Author's Note: Third chapter! This time, Orion will be telling his side of the story as he watches his father and brother struggle to resist the darkness.
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I remember the first time I felt fear. I've gone without feeling it for most of my life, and I like to think I'm a brave male. After what I've been through, I didn't think anything could faze me. But I guess there's a first time for everything.
The snow, the Ohu Army, Masamune, my fathers teeth on my fur as he slammed me into the ground over and over; it's so vivid, even after all this time. I can still recall the pain I was in, the anger I was feeling. Most of all, I remember the emotion that was hidden behind my anger: fear.
To have your own father hurt you like that is not something you can put into words. No matter what you say, there is still a difference between a description and the actual experience. I didn't want to show it, especially with the Ohu Army standing there as an audience. But I was so scared of him, my own father.
No matter how angry I was at him for keeping me from going after Masamune, I couldn't keep those thoughts out of my head. Why was he doing this to me? Did he hate me? What did I do to deserve this?
I guess time slows down when something like this happens. It only lasted a moment, but it felt like an eternity. I was still afraid and drowning in my thoughts when I heard him speak to me.
Of all the things he could've said, it had to be "Go back to base, and get some rest." In that instant, I forgot about my fear and glared up at him, not even noticing the remorseful look he had in his eyes. I don't know what why I hadn't shouted out him, but it was probably for the best that I didn't.
Sirius finally moved from his spot and walked up to me. I snapped at him when he offered to carry me back. I wasn't just angry at Dad, I was also angry at Sirius. He was my brother, yet he just stood there as Dad beat me into the snow over and over again. If he wanted to help me, why didn't he do anything when I was yelping in pain, when I needed him?
He started begging me to let him help, and I refused so many times. But I couldn't do it forever, so I eventually gave up and got onto his back so that he could carry me the rest of the way. And honestly, I felt much better, like I was safe.
After the incident, things between Dad and I have been... rough to say the least. I'd be lying if I said that the experience didn't affect me. Whenever he was near me, I always tensed up and my fur would stand on end. If he moved close to me, I'd instinctively flinch away. Each and every time he got close.
I was afraid of him. I didn't want to admit it, but I was still afraid of him for weeks after the incident. I always kept my head down to avoid looking him in the eyes. I just couldn't.
The others didn't notice, and I don't know if I feel grateful for that or not. I didn't want anyone to worry, and even though I was scared of Dad, he hadn't done anything since then. He spoke to me less and less, until he was hardly around me. Then I stopped seeing him all together.
About two months after the first incident, I was wandering through Gajou's tunnels when I stumbled upon my Dad. He didn't notice me, because he was too busy crying his eyes out. I kept quiet and watched him from a good distance as he sat there, head down as tears fell onto the ground.
At first, he didn't say anything or do anything. Then he started talking, and I was worried that he had finally noticed me. But he didn't. He was actually talking to himself, or more like muttering to himself. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but I could tell that he was getting angry.
I almost thought he was angry at me, but as his voice grew louder, I realized his anger wasn't directed at me. To my surprise, it sounded like he was angry at himself.
Suddenly, Dad started shouting.
"Why did you do that?!" He punched the cave wall of the tunnel. "How could you do that?!" Another punch. "Your own son!"
The third punch startled me as it left a hole in the wall. I could see cracks forming all around it, and I think I could feel the tunnel shake slightly, but I can't be sure.
It didn't stop there, though. He kept punching the cave wall, over and over again. Blood began staining the wall, and I could hear several cracks that weren't coming from the rock. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Dad was breaking his paws and bleeding from gashes caused by the jagged edges forming in the hole he was making, but I don't think he noticed. He just punching and punching, breaking off more rock and leaving more blood stains. It was like watching a dog possessed by a demon.
This was the second time I felt fear. Not like how I've been scared of my father these past weeks, but when I had been beaten by him. The first incident. Except, I don't think he was angry back then, especially not at me. Then it hit me... He was doing this on purpose.
He wasn't just venting about the guilt he was feeling, he was trying to hurt himself. Back then, I didn't even know about self-harm. I couldn't imagine someone hurting themselves, never mind this badly.
I don't know what made me act, but I ran up to him and pulled him away from the wall. I forgot all about the fear I had of him hurting me, I just wanted him to stop doing that to himself. It was just too much.
When he looked at me he finally snapped out of it. And his eyes were once again filled with that same remorseful look, only there was fear in them as well. At first, I couldn't imagine what he'd be afraid of. But I didn't need to figure it out for myself as he backed away from me, telling me to not get close or he might hurt me.
I didn't believe that he would, despite how I had felt since the first incident. Seeing him like that, I think I was right to believe that he wouldn't. He was as scared as I was.
He broke down then and there, continued crying as he did before. He started telling me how sorry he was, for hurting me like that. For scaring me for so long.
I probably should've been angry at him for it all, but I just couldn't bring myself to be angry at him. I don't know why, but I couldn't. I just embraced him, not knowing what else to do. I felt his tears drip onto my fur, but I hardly noticed as I held him tight.
I'm not sure how long it lasted, but I heard him speak again. And he promised that he would never hurt me ever again. That he would protect me no matter what. And despite everything that happened between us, I believed him. I still remember the pain from the first incident, it still hurts to think about it, but I forgive him. I still loved him, despite everything.
Things started turning around. I started getting comfortable being around Dad, and he started speaking to me more and more. We were finally moving past what had happened. We started bonding, really bonding for the first time. Whether it was just me and him, or if it was the whole family, things were getting better. I hoped that it would last, I thought it would. But some things just don't last forever.
The third incident happened when Sirius and I were hunting together. We caught ourselves a deer and had been dragging it back to Gajou. Then this group of males appeared, and I immediately knew that they weren't friendly. I could tell from the way they looked at us.
Their leader spoke so mockingly to us, asking us to hand over our prey and to tell him the location of Gajou. He must've known that we were the Supreme Commander's sons, must've seen the resemblance.
There weren't that many of them, maybe a dozen or so dogs, but they must've had more if they thought they could just take Gajou from us. Or they were stupid enough to think they could take from us. I don't know which one it was, never got to find out.
I didn't pay any attention to Sirius, but I know that he hadn't said anything during the confrontation. God, I wish I had noticed sooner, but I was too busy trying to get the group to back off. If I had just looked at him, I would've realized that something was wrong. I didn't, and the next thing that happened became the second most terrifying experience of my life.
The males threatened us, then one of them lunged at me after I said something to him. I don't even remember what I said. All I know is that Sirius immediately charged and started tearing them apart. I've seen death before, seen dogs kill other dogs. But what I witnessed that day? The carnage... It was more horrible than words.
The things Sirius did to them shouldn't have even been possible for a dog. I know he wasn't that strong, no dog is that strong. To do that kind of damage so quickly and easily. And even when it was over, Sirius didn't stop. He just kept slamming one of the dead male's head into the ground.
I couldn't take it anymore, so I grabbed onto him and started pulling. He didn't budge at first, nor did he lose focus on his victim. I started screaming into his ear, trying to get his attention. And I noticed that look in his eyes.
God, his eyes. They were black. No pupils, no whites, just black. It was the most unnatural thing I had ever seen. If the eyes are a window to the soul like people say they are, where was Sirius's soul? I couldn't see a trace of my brother anywhere. It was like looking into the eyes of a demon.
I don't know how many times I screamed his name, but I eventually saw the black in his eyes begin to fade until I could see their natural blue pupils again. He was still out of it when I finally managed to yank him off what remained of the dead dog. Then he looked at me and his senses returned to him. I could tell because it looked like everything hit him at once. He started panting heavily, whether in shock or exhaustion I don't know.
He looked at me, and I knew he could see how afraid I was. Of him. I didn't want to admit it, especially not to him, but I was afraid. I didn't know what happened to him. I didn't know why he was so aggressive, so out of it. And I don't know what happened to his eyes. It still scares me to think about that image, of his black eyes revealing nothing inside.
Then he followed my gaze to the dead male, and he looked horrified by what he had done. I think that's when he finally noticed the blood that was all over his fur. It looked like he would throw up at any moment.
We told everyone that it was a bear that killed those dogs. I was worried about what would happen if they knew what Sirius had done. Would they banish him? Execute him? I could only be grateful that they believed us. All except one. Our father.
He had that same remorseful look in his eyes. The one he had when he beat me into the snow and when I confronted him in that tunnel. This look was different, though. I think I could see fear in his eyes.
He knew it was Sirius. He didn't say anything, but I could tell that he knew. And I think Sirius could, too. And then I remembered. The cave wall in the tunnel, the one he had been punching a hole into. He broke his paws, couldn't move them well for days, but he had also made a hole. I don't think a dog could've done that. Just like I don't think a dog could've done what Sirius did to those males.
Dad knew what was going on with Sirius. I didn't know then what I know now, but I pieced together what I could. It was easy to figure out that whatever happened to Dad and Sirius, it was something they shared. Dad got so angry that he managed to make a hole in a cave wall with just his paws, and Sirius managed to rip apart dogs in ways that I think only a bear could manage.
I don't think Dad's eyes turned black like Sirius's did, but I think that's because it was two different situations. Those dogs threatening us must've triggered something in Sirius. And Dad, he was angry at himself for hurting me.
I didn't know what to do with what I knew. Who do I talk to? I didn't want to endanger Dad or Sirius. I love them, I don't want to lose them. Sirius obviously didn't know what was happening, and I didn't think Dad was willingly to say anything. I didn't know why he hadn't say anything, he could've prevented the incident from happening if he told us. Told Sirius, at least.
Sirius confronted Dad not long after. I didn't know what they had talked about, but Sirius kept his distance from me. I told him he had done what he had to do, that he had no other choice. I lied, yes, but I didn't want to tell him that I was afraid of him. He was so horrified when he realized what he had done, I didn't think he could handle it if he knew how I felt.
It took me longer to confront them both about the issue, and I really wish I had done it sooner. I wish I had confronted Dad after the first incident. It would've made things simpler, but he seemed to think that staying away was the better option. Keeping it a secret so that we wouldn't be afraid, but it was already too late for that. I was scared, Sirius was scared, Dad was definitely scared.
When they told me what was happening to them, I denied it. It explained everything, but I kept denying it. I didn't want to believe that my father and my brother had something wrong with them. Especially not some addiction or curse or whatever it is.
It stuck with me, though. No matter how much I tried to deny it, I could never get the fear out of my head. It lingered in the back of my head, no matter how much I tried to ignore it. I felt anxious, like I was counting the days as they passed, praying that none of it was true. Praying that Dad and Sirius weren't going to turn into monsters.
It wasn't long before the nightmares began. I'd be running, not knowing where I was going. I would be calling out to Dad or Sirius as I looked everywhere I could. My surroundings were dark and twisted, but I didn't pay attention to that. Partly because I didn't want to look at this dark world I was in.
Each time I found my father or my brother, they'd be in this feral frenzy, killing everything in sight. Their eyes were black, they looked bigger than they did in real life, and they were much stronger. I tried to stop them, to snap them out of it, but they would say, in this demonic voice, that they were doing it for me. For our family. Protecting us and making sure that no one would ever lay a paw on our family or anyone in Ohu ever again.
But I know they were using that as an excuse. No matter how many times they said they loved me, no matter how they times they insisted that they were doing what they had to do, I knew they were using it as an excuse. They loved me, but I could never ignore the blood dripping from their muzzles, or those black eyes that stared into my soul. I could never ignore all the mutilated bodies that surrounded them.
And the more I had this nightmare, the worse it got. The dark world around me would get darker and more twisted. The scenes would become bloodier and more gruesome. But the worst part was always my father and my brother, because their new forms would become more demonic and unnatural than the last.
No matter how much I begged them, no matter how much my tears seemed to affect them, they just wouldn't stop. They'd just keep killing. And when it was over, they'd hold me, try to comfort me and assure me that they would never hurt me. But they already did. At that point, their love became twisted. So twisted.
I can't deny it anymore. My father and my brother have this addiction. This darkness in them. And now, I'm begging them to not give up. I'm begging them to keep resisting. I tell them that it would hurt me and everyone else if they give in. They always assure me that they won't give up, that they're going to fight as long as they can. That they won't start killing people just to sate their bloodlust.
I want to believe them. I really do. And I want to help them fight it, but I don't know how. I want to tell someone, hoping that someone can help us, but I don't know who we can trust. I don't know who would trust them, knowing what they have inside them.
I don't know if I believe in God, but I am praying that I won't lose either of them to this addiction. I want to be hopeful. Even though I catch glimpses of their eyes. Their black, demonic eyes.