Hey, guys! I'm currently going pretty strong with my updates, so I want to give you as much content as I can while I have the inspiration for. Also, thank you for the favorite and the two follows! It's really nice to know I'm not just talking to the void out here. Or... writing... to the void. I guess.

Anyway, here it is. The chapter all five of my readers have been waiting for. Adrian Monk has arrived! I'm going to shut up before I can overhype something I'm probably going to butcher, so here's the chapter. Hope you guys like it ^^

Underlined text like this = speaking Amestrian

- MR. MONK AND THE ALCHEMIST -

Leland pulled the car to a stop in front of the station with a mental sigh of relief. Thanks to a certain man whose name began with "Mo" and ended in "nk", he was well-acquainted with awkwardness, but that car ride had to have reached his top ten.

"We're here," he called over his shoulder, breaking Hawkeye and Mustang out of their conversation. For a moment, the way the two looked at each other gave Leland pause. It reminded him almost of the way Monk and Trudy had looked, except... more. Not necessarily a stronger bond of love - just more in some way that he couldn't quite name, but his gut told him it had to do with the military uniforms they both wore. He wasn't sure he liked the picture that was forming in his mind.

Hawkeye gently shook Elric awake. Coming slowly to awareness, the boy rubbed his eyes - fuck, didn't that make him look so much younger than he already was - and sat up with a jaw-cracking yawn. Mustang said something in Amestrian that sounded vaguely condescending. Elric rolled his eyes, snapping something back, and the group entered the station even as the the two foreigners bickered.

As soon as they had cleared the door, Randy had already run up to the Amestrians, and it took everything Leland had not to groan at the sight of his subordinate performing a sloppy military salute. "It's nice to meet you! I'm Lieutenant Randy Disher, sir! Er, sirs. Er, sirs and ma'am-"

"Just call him Randy. Everybody does," Leland interrupted. Randy sent him a betrayed look.

Mustang, ever the diplomat, only shook his head with a charming grin. "Thank you, but I am a military man. I find it second nature to address others by their rank." He extended his hand to Randy, and Leland could swear he saw the Brigadier General wink. "It's a pleasure, Lieutenant Disher."

Face lighting up, a starry-eyed Randy shook the offered hand eagerly enough to be uncomfortable, though Mustang still wore the same serene expression. However distrustful Leland was of him, it did speak a lot to the man's character that he so graciously put up with Randy's... well... Randy-ness. Mustang couldn't be all bad. (Still. If he was getting sixteen year-olds involved with murder cases, he couldn't be all good either.)

And of course, just when everything was going well, a familiar voice warbled from Leland's office.

"Natalie, did I turn off my stove?"

Oh, no.

"Yes, Mr. Monk, you did. You checked ten times."

Oh, no.

"Well, I don't know, maybe I should check again, just to be sure-"

And only seconds later, Adrian Monk himself was walking into view, wringing his hands with that perpetually worried expression of his, Natalie only a step behind him. As if on cue, Monk took one look at the Amestrians and immediately yelped in distress. Leland decided he hated his job.

"Sorry about him," Leland said, mostly on instinct at that point. Preparing himself for something stupid, he hesitantly asked, "What now, Monk?"

"I'm sorry, I just - the blond boy, his right hand -" Monk winced, hiding his face in his hands - "it's a little paler than his other hand. Thinner, too. It's distracting."

"What? Monk, that's-" Leland whipped around to face Elric, only to see that his right hand and wrist, uncovered by the long sleeves of his jacket, did seem slightly paler and thinner than his left. "Huh. You're right, actually. What is that, some sort of medical condition?"

Hawkeye and Mustang exchanged glances, unspoken volumes passing between them. Elric himself just nodded, but his expression had become significantly more guarded. Definitely a story behind that... though not one that Elric seemed willing to tell.

Monk shifted nervously. "Well, could you just... I don't know... hide it? It's just, it's not symmetrical, and I mean -" a nervous laugh - "how could you possibly expect me to work like that?"

Leland resisted the urge to slam his friend's head into a nearby wall.

Elric just stared at the defective detective incredulously. "He is joking," the blond said, half-disbelieving and half-desperate.

"No," said Leland, "unfortunately, he is not."

Elric gaped for another moment - a reaction Monk seemed to have a way of bringing out in people - before the shock seemed to wear off, and he scowled fiercely. "There is nothing wrong with my arm."

His arm? Whatever this condition was, it wasn't just affecting his hand, but his entire arm? Before Leland could think to ask, Mustang cleared his throat, and everyone in the room instinctually snapped to attention at the sound.

"Before anything else," the man began elegantly, "I do believe a round of introductions are in order?"

"Ah. Yeah. You're right." Grateful for the opportunity to retake control of the situation, Leland gestured to the former cop. "This is Adrian Monk, a private consultant for the SFPD. Despite appearances, he is actually a very good detective. And this is his assistant, Natalie Teeger." Natalie gave an excited wave.

"It's an honor to meet both of you. I was not made aware that such a beautiful woman would be waiting for me." Mustang smiled at Natalie, who responded by ducking her head embarrassedly, but any response she could have made was cut off by the loud clearing of a severely unimpressed Hawkeye's throat. The man straightened again. "My name is Brigadier General Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist. I am here as part of the Amestrian envoy. I look forward to working with you all in the future."

"Oh my gosh!" Natalie burst out, eyes lighting up. "You're the Flame Alchemist! I've read about you in the papers! You were involved in that recent coup, right? Is - I forgot the other one's name... Fullmetal! Is he here, too?"

Elric snorted loudly. Even Hawkeye's stoic expression looked suspiciously amused. Leland frowned slightly at the mixed reactions, making a note to look into whoever this Fullmetal was. Something about all this reeked suspicion.

Mustang narrowed his eyes at his companions before smirking again, replying, "I am afraid the Fullmetal Alchemist was unable to accompany us on this mission. But please rest assured; we three will be more than enough assistance."

At Mustang's promptings, Elric and Hawkeye both introduced themselves - the former with squared shoulders and a challenging stare, the latter with a sharp salute that put Randy's to shame.

Then Monk coughed slightly, and Leland prepared for an oncoming headache.

"I think you might have forgotten about me." The defective detective raised his hand, a shy smile on his face. "It's okay, it happens a lot, actually. It's just - the hand..."

Elric's reaction was instantaneous this time; his gaze turned steely, all fire and molten-gold determination. "I will not hide it. I am not ashamed of it."

Mustang turned to him and said something in Amestrian, gentle but firm. The two conversed for a while longer until Elric fell silent. Scowling, he let out a loud sigh.

"Fine," Elric spat. "Do you have gloves?"

"Actually, I think this would be an excellent time for a first demonstration of alchemy," Mustang cut in, which caught the attention of everyone in the station. At the sound of murmurs filling the room, Mustang smirked a little wider. "Hawkeye, if you would?"

Hawkeye immediately removed a pair of gloves from her jacket, embroidered with the same symbol as the one on the pair Mustang was wearing. Accepting the gloves, the black-haired alchemist took out a piece of chalk and, in one swooping line, drew out a circle on the surface of an empty desk-

"That's a perfect circle!" Monk interrupted. "That - it's completely geometrically perfect! 360 degrees, every point equidistant from its center! And he drew it, just like that!" He looked from the circle drawn on the table to Natalie, a gleeful smile stretching ear-to-ear across his face. "Natalie! Are you seeing this? A perfect circle!"

"Yes, Mr. Monk, I see it," Natalie reassured him. She sent an apologetic glance towards the Amestrians, trying and failing to hide her long-suffering expression. "I'm really sorry about this. He's a good man, he just gets a bit... excitable sometimes. You get used to it."

Monk repeated, as if in a daze, "A perfect circle..."

"It's quite alright," Mustang said smoothly, while Elric muttered something that sounded like "Armstrong" under his breath.

Ignoring Monk's continued raving with the bravado of a professional, Mustang began to draw a complex-looking series of lines and symbols within the circle. Everyone watched, eyes wide with curiosity, as the transmutation array was completed in no more than twenty seconds. Then Mustang brought his hands to the circle. Suddenly, the array crackled with bright blue electricity, eliciting excited gasps from the crowd of police officers - Leland had a hard time not gasping himself - and when it cleared, the pair of gloves sat in the middle, now totally white and missing the red symbols on their backs.

Mustang lifted the pair of gloves so that everyone could get a better look, and everyone in the police precinct began to clap. Even as Natalie gasped in delight, Elric muttered something under his breath again; Leland didn't have to speak Amestrian to know that he'd said "showoff". Not that Leland disagreed, but it was still a damn impressive display. And here he'd thought he'd seen everything after meeting Adrian Monk... he let out a disbelieving laugh, running a hand over his face.

Elric snatched the pair of gloves away from Mustang and pulled them on, then turned to Monk with a raised eyebrow. "Happy?"

"Very much so, actually," Monk said, still smiling. "So, this alchemy - it can be used to remove things? Stains, perhaps?"

Leland did not like where this was going. "Okay, Monk," he interjected, "let's not focus on that right now. We do still have the small matter of a homicide investigation." He gestured towards the Amestrians. "You guys are the experts here, so... any thoughts?"

Then Elric gave him the widest shit-eating grin he'd ever seen, and for the fiftieth time that day, Leland wondered what in the world he'd gotten himself into.

- MR. MONK AND THE ALCHEMIST -

Ed leaned back in his uncomfortable chair with a sigh, waiting for Mustang to be done with whatever diplomatic bullshit he was doing in Bradley-Stache's office (what? It was easier to remember than Stottlemeyer). He'd known what he was signing himself up for when he'd agreed to come on this mission, but the office atmosphere was just as mind-numbingly boring as he remembered. He missed Resembool already.

Suddenly there was another presence next to him and Edward shot up from his seat, ready to fight - only to see Mustang, holding two steaming coffee cups in his hands.

"Bastard," he said by way of thanks as he accepted one of the coffees, "don't sneak up on me like that."

"It's not my fault you let your guard down," Mustang replied, smirking at Ed's responding snarl. "Now that the adults have finished hashing out all the unimportant details, our work is done for the day. Ms. Teeger has very kindly offered her home to us, so I expect you on your best behavior."

"When am I not on my best behavior?"

The smirk widened. "Shall I read some examples from the list?"

"Okay, okay, I get it." Knowing Mustang, the asshole really was keeping a list, and Edward should seriously rethink his friendship with the man. Now, though, Ed only scowled. "Let's get going before that Monk guy tells me to put on another pair of gloves."

"Fullmetal," Roy chided, unusually gentle, "I understand where you're coming from. But we need to be able to work with him."

Edward remained silent, flexing his fingers from within the white gloves he'd been forced to wear. Now that he thought about it, he didn't think he'd worn gloves since before the Promised Day... it felt strange, hiding the arm that Al had sacrificed himself for. Like the second he took the gloves off, he'd end up seeing nothing but cold, unfeeling automail again. And Al would be gone.

The thought made his heart twist slightly, and he focused on the feel of cotton fibers against skin. Real skin. Not a metal substitute.

"I know," Edward finally replied, and he meant it. Monk was annoying as hell, sure, but the guy was smart and knew the area better than Ed could ever hope to. Yet there was something about Monk that put him on edge. Something beyond the countless tics and compulsions. He couldn't quite explain what, but it unsettled him deeply.

It was only as they left the station, Hawkeye already waiting by the Teeger woman's car, that Edward finally realized what had been bothering him: the look in Monk's eyes. It was the same kind of bottomless, soul-crushing grief that had once driven the Elric brothers to the ultimate taboo.

Edward suddenly found himself glad that alchemy had never existed here. If it had, he knew Adrian Monk would have committed human transmutation in a heartbeat.

- MR. MONK AND THE ALCHEMIST -

So I've been trying to make Ed's English dialogue sound a bit stilted, since he's only been speaking it for a few days. Just stuff like simple sentences, fairly limited vocab/syntax, not using contractions, all that. Mustang can speak perfect English because he's had longer to learn it, and because having Mustang speak anything less than perfect English would just feel weird to me. Ed, meanwhile, can get whatever he wants to say across even with limited English abilities, since he's naturally pretty blunt.

Also, the obvious, major thing of this chapter: the Monk characters! I really hope I've done them justice so far. Randy is weird, Natalie is bubbly, and Stottlemeyer is generally exasperated... but Adrian himself? He's actually rather tricky. He's got this weird mix of self-centeredness and self-loathing going on, which results in the strange, neurotic, slightly annoying man we all know and love - and would hate to have to deal with in real life. He's probably the one I want to get right the most out of the Monk cast.

Anyway, I'm pretty happy with this update, so I really hope you guys liked it as well! I'm just having way too much fun with this insanely niche crossover. Of course, reviews, favorites, and follows are all more than welcome and would make me super happy! ;)

So until next time, take care of yourselves and have an awesome day~