Maybe Zephyr should wear a seaweed green sweater tomorrow morning to go with the salmon pink. No, he was sure it was more of bubblegum pink, but that would clash with the seaweed green. But what if it was a flamingo pink? In that case, he'd just have to ditch clothing altogether. There's nothing that could cure the disaster that his fur and flamingo pink will give birth to.
Zephyr was honestly surprised he had to ponder this much about which shade his pink slip was going to be when he should be more than accustomed to seeing it. Once Celestia finds out Zephyr lost his one responsibility, he is sure to be out the door.
He and Zecora just got done looking throughout the Everfree forest for the past hour with the only results being Zephyr falling into various swamps. Now they were running into Ponyville. For a seven-foot-tall spirit of chaos, you'd think finding him would be easier.
The wind blew throughout Zephyr's fur. His eyes frantically surveillance the town, seeing happy pony folk frolicking in their own little worlds. "Hey doc, how about you take the east side and I take the west," Zephyr suggested. However, he was met with silence. He stopped in his tracks and turned back to see Zecora a good ten meters behind, panting to catch her breath. He ran back to her with guilt written all over his face.
"You ok there doc?"
"I am alright, however, running long distances has given me much plight," she whipped the sweat off her brow.
Zephyr sighed and hung his head. "Ya know you don't have to help me, this is my fault. You can go home if ya want. Besides, what's the point in looking for him? I already know I'm gonna be fired when Celestia finds out I lost the guy."
After graduating from mane therapy Zephyr felt like nothing could stop him and that he'd finally lose the title as Fluttershy's lazy and worthless little brother. So much for trying. How can he have messed up this badly? He had one job and that was to keep his eyes on someone at all times and he couldn't even do that. He couldn't stand to look at Zecora. An intelligent and bright witch doctor like her probably thought of him a failure, as she should.
He looked up in surprise when he felt a hoof on his shoulder.
Zecora gave him a reassuring smile. "Hope is something you should not dismiss. Discord disappearing wasn't something we were expecting, but we'll get through this. Plus, you're too much of a good bodyguard to wallow in despair. I know we'll find him soon, I swear."
Zephyr was shocked by Zecora's second to last sentence. "You...you think I'm a good bodyguard?"
"Of course I do, I have never met a bodyguard more protective, vigilant, and obnoxious than you," Zecora chuckled.
Zephyr honestly didn't know how to react. He's never been told by someone outside of his family that he was good at something, especially not some intellectual like Zecora. The sincere smile the zebra shined at him produced a warmth within his chest like it wasn't the end of the world and all would be ok. It was...nice
Zephyr smirked at Zecora. "You're a pretty great zebra, anyone ever told you that, doc."
Zecora couldn't help but give a bashful smile. "I appreciate your praising, but I don't consider myself as very amazing."
"Well, I guess I'm just gonna have to keep reminding you until you do," he offered his hoof to help her up.
Zecora blushed as she accepted the hoof. All she said was a fact, which was that he was good at his job. She didn't understand why he was being so...nice. She swiftly turned her back to hide her reddening face. "Splitting up seems like a good course of action I guess. How about you take the east and I take the west."
"Couldn't agree more myself-"
An ensemble of loud screams caught the two's attention. Ponies were running left and right out of a flower shop and following them was an army of rabid pineapples hungry for pony flesh.
Zephyr and Zecora shared a knowing look between each other. Looks like they wouldn't have to be searching for much longer.
"You idiot," Discord laughed as Fluttershy spilled the diced onions everywhere on the floor after trying to slide them over to Rainshine like a badass. Discord watched from the top of an air vent as Fluttershy awkwardly maneuvered around other ponies to fetch a broom and dustpan. While she was distracted, Discord snapped another batch of diced onions for her.
However, Discord was this close to turning Rainshine into an onion herself when she laughed at the meek pegasus. Unlike Discord who laughed- quietly to himself mind you- out of mutual familiarity with his best friend, Rainshine boastfully laughed with intentions to humiliate. I knew I shouldn't have made it look like that Kirin was the one who saved the day by slicing those onions, now Fluttershy will think she might be decent and never grow the balls to leave her ass.
Discord's ears twitched as the air vent turned on and immediately made a fly for it. He refused to get backhanded by the hot wind for the fifth time. He staggered through the air, the steam from various stoves slamming into his minuscule insect body until he finally crashed face-first on a ceiling lamp. He didn't stop upon contact as his sweat slid him to the other side of the lamp.
Discord's body vibrated against his deep frustrated growl. "This is complete bull," Discord got up in a huff. "I've passed by at least ten bloody ponies and not one change," he gestured at his still sweat lubricated fur. "And what's with all the homicidal hoof swatting?! I'm a three-centimeter insect, the most I can do is buzz in your ears. Insect lives matter, you four-legged supremacist!" he shook his stick leg at the crowd below him. His time as a fly felt less like an investigation and more like a game of survival with the prize being his life. Since he was a literal dark magic detector he thought that by playing a game of Hot & Cold all he'd have to do is fly up to a pony and the increase or decrease in sweat would speak for itself. Zecora's paste was good for alerting dark magic, but not from who.
He needed a new plan.
Pacing while in deep thought, he slipped on his puddle of bodily fluids once again.
He sighed. "First thing's first, the waterworks gotta get staunched." With a clap of his legs (to compensate for his lack of fingers at the moment), he was wrapped antennae to the abdomen in thick mini paper towels.
Fluttershy always wondered what it was like to be sizzled on a frying pan. Did the boiling oil feel like a relaxing jacuzzi for the tofu or did it feel like it was being burnt to the stake for witchcraft? She learned for herself five minutes ago that hot grease for ponies was no pleasant picnic. Of course, she'd be the one to toss dripping wet tofu in a pan filled with hot grease and have the burning oil fly everywhere, including on her skin. Thankfully it didn't leave any burn marks, which now that she thought about it was pretty strange considering how hot it was. Maybe Rainshine had also used her magic to protect her from the chemical reaction.
Fluttershy grinned and rolled her eyes at the silly unlikely notion. Turning up the heat on the still raw tofu, she trained her eyes over to the kirin in question and furrowed her brows.
Fluttershy didn't remember ordering mystery on her date, but that was what Rainshine was serving. Insultingly calls Fluttershy a pussy for her dislike of onions, but still chops them for her. Laughs at Fluttershy for spilling said onions, but after humiliating the pegasus, cleaned up the mess for her. She was also eighty percent sure Rainshine was the one who smashed that pineapple on Red Velvet's muzzle after the black mare scrutinized her. It was like Rainshine didn't want her to know she cared. What was even more mind-boggling was why Fluttershy's mean girl demeanor didn't seem to reach Rainshine. Sure Rainshine thought it was hot, but besides the horny commentary, there was no romantic or platonic connection between them. Fluttershy thought for sure a badass mare was what Rainshine seemed to want. What was the missing variable between the two?
Rainshine passed by the pegasus to check on the dumplings in the steamer.
"Are they done yet?" Fluttershy tried to create conversation. The silence between the two was killing her. She raised a brow in wonderment when Rainshine stuck the tongs in Fluttershy's face. "You...want me to take them?"
Rainshine rolled her eyes. "No, I'm trying to catch the evil spirits that taint your aura. Yes, I want you to take them."
After wordlessly giving the utensil over to the yellow mare, Rainshine lifted the top of the steamer for her. "Poke the dumplings with your tongs."
Fluttershy rolled the dumplings in the tongs, testing out the food's firmness.
"How do they feel?"
"Kinda hard."
"That's what she said," Rainshine chuckled to herself.
"What?"
"Nothing. Were you able to puncture the vegetables inside?"
"No."
"There's your answer. Until the vegetables feel tender like you can easily stab a fork in them, the dumplings aren't done," Rainshine took the tongs out of Fluttershy's mouth.
Fluttershy looked down in embarrassment. Of course, she should have known they weren't done cooking. "Oh. How do you know so much about cooking?"
Rainshine slightly chuckled at her question as she busied herself turning the dumplings over. "I wouldn't say I know a lot, but I have some experience in the field."
"Really? Did you teach yourself?"
"Naw, I literally would rather explain to my eight-year-old nephew why his fish only floats sideways than teach myself how to cook. My grandpa showed me."
"What was his specialty?"
"Pony placenta meatloaf. After a long day of being a nurse's aid, he'd always serve it to my nanna whenever she 'borrowed sugar' from the bachelor who lived upstairs."
"Oh," Fluttershy cringed.
"However, on days when it was sunny and the landlord wasn't on his ass about rent, he'd cook lasagna."
"Oh," Fluttershy this time nodded.
"Yep," Rainshine breezily sighed. "Dinner was an important meal to him, because similar to dark humor, some ponies just don't get it."
Fluttershy smiled at the joke. "My family mostly ate raw vegetables, grains and nuts, and fruit smoothies when I was younger, so I never found the need to learn how to cook."
Rainshine snorted. "You sure you didn't grow up in a hippie commune?"
Fluttershy gasped, "Oh my goodness how did you know?"
"...What?"
"My family didn't move to Cloudsdale until I was twelve when the elders got detained for three to five years. Apparently lacing wine with lead is a major violation against equestrian law, and for some reason, the cops were making a huge fuss over some pony named 'Mary-Anna', or something like that. I thought I could at least save one of the elders by telling ATF that we were engaged, but for some reason, it only raised his sentence," she continued.
After Rainshine gaped at her for a good while, Fluttershy finally giggled. "I'm kidding...about the engagement at least."
The corners of Rainshine's mouth were pursed tightly together before finally exploding in a boisterous laugh. However, this one was different from the others she'd usually belt. It wasn't a jaggedly sharp chuckle dripping in sarcasm and harsh grit like the others. Instead, hardy giggles filled the air with a smile that read sincerity and pure joy. The sound tickled Fluttershy's ears leaving a pleasant blush on the mare's face. Who knew Rainshine's laugh could sound so...nice.
"FLUTTERSHY THE FUCKING STOVE IS ON FIRE!"
To say the scene before Zecora was odd would be an understatement. It was hilarious. Apparently, the frantic crowd she and Zephyr saw leaving the flower shop weren't screaming in fear but rather joy. Young fillies and colts yipped in glee as they rode on the backs of five-foot-tall rabid pineapples with the only concern their parents voiced was to not get whiplash. Vendors scattered to slap price tags on armies of minnie pineapples. One family even asked her to take their photo in front of a fruit-infested, ruined restaurant. The town folk was so used to this kind of mayhem they just treated it like it was the circus.
"Ma'am, I'm really gonna have to ask you and your child to go home and take cover, this is not a safe environment," Zephyr helplessly attempted to direct a line of parents and children. When Zephyr saw ponies were running to the mutated fruits instead of away, it was almost as if anxiety became his new best friend. Zecora really didn't blame him. It was one thing to lose your responsibility, but to lose your responsibility and then let it wreak havoc on an entire town was another level of what the fuck.
"Not until I get my bits back! I paid good money to have my little Sunbeam ride one of those damn pineapple things! I am not about to be scammed out of my coin and look like a fool in front of my baby!" one red mare yelled. The crowd yelled and shook their hooves in agreement.
"Well, you all should have thought about that before throwing your money to the first scammer with a stanchion divider and laminated name tag, you mouth breathing idiots!" Zephyr fumed. "So unless you want your necks to be stepped on by the personified fever dreams of a draconequus with undiagnosed mental illness, I suggest you leave!"
"I want to speak to your manager!" one stallion screamed.
Zecora giggled at Zephyr's exasperation. It was cute how he pleaded for the unfazed town folk to leave for safety like a chicken with his head cut off at first. Unsurprisingly and Begging died the minute some pony confused his armor as part of the attraction and threw rotten vegetables which got into his hair when he refused to fight one of the large sentient fruits. Now Frantic and Pissed off lived as Zephyr screamed red in the face at the crowd to go home. Of course she never in a million years would admit this out loud and she may have only known him for all of three hours, but angry Zephyr was kind of hot.
"Oh my goodness, Melody Swing!" a mare gasped and pointed to a small filly slipping from off a pineapple's back. The child was bucked high into the air after her ride ran into a large tree and splattered upon impact.
With zero hesitation Zephyr dashed into the sky and soon reached the filly. Her momentum punched Zephyr in the gut as he caught her. Fighting the urge to vomit, he flew the girl down and handed her to a sobbing mother.
"My baby!" she cried. "What kind of establishment is this!? My child nearly died, this isn't safe at all!"
Just when it seemed Zephyr was about to blow his top, Zecora stepped in.
"I am so sorry to hear you all aren't having fun. If you go to the blue mare with the brown sacks, she'll give you a refund. Later you can go to Sugarcube Corner and get a free cupcake. They're so sweet and good they're sure to make your tummy ache," she playfully ruffled a colt's mane.
With that, the crowd immediately hightailed it to get their money back. Zephyr sighed and wearily smiled at Zecora in thanks. "How'd you know she was the one who set up the scam?"
"I don't," she shrugged. "I said her 'cause she shoved me and her remorse was not at all remote."
Despite the dire situation Zephyr couldn't help but tease the zebra. "Petty revenge?" he gasped. "Have you no shame doctor?"
Zecora scoffed and rolled her eyes with a sly smirk. "I'm not a mare who's to be provoked. Always remember karma is no joke." Zephyr found himself once again smiling at Zecora.
In light of his teasing, Zephyr was honestly surprised. Even though he never met Zecora in real life until today, he remembered Fluttershy mentioning the zebra as one of her friends. So similar to the rest of Fluttershy's companions, he expected Zecora to be a stuffy saint with a stick up her ass like his sister. But contrary to his angelic assumptions, she was just as petty as any other normal pony. It was refreshing to Ponyville's usually sappy sentiments and unhealthily sweet dispositions.
As Zecora walked off her hoof stepped into something wet and mushy. She lifted her hoof and saw she accidentally stomped on a small pineapple, her hoof print marking the remains. Zecora narrowed her eyes as a thought crossed her mind.
"Hey, those things are not toys!" Zephyr interrupted Zecora from her thoughts. She followed him as he ran over to a mare who stood behind a game stand, giving the pineapples off as prizes.
Zephyr snatched the rabid thing out of the teenager's hooves. "In case you haven't noticed these creatures have so much chaotic magic they're wrecking the town! Why the hell would you take it home as the family pet!?"
"You're right," the teen gasped with realization dancing in his eyes. Zephyr cringed as hints of plotting grew in the colt's eyes as well.
"You're gonna twist my words around, aren't you?" Zephyr muttered.
"Why keep this pineapple as my magical pet when I can turn it into dinner and absorb its power!" the teen laughed in delight.
"NO! You can not absorb its magic!"
"How do you know, have you tried eating it? Besides, you are what you eat." said the mare behind the game stand.
Zephyr shoved his head in the mare's face, annoyance swirling in his eyes. "Oh really, so you woke up this morning and had a bowl of Dumb-Assery flakes!?" he stomped his hoof down, splattering a pineapple unfortunate enough to be under his hoof.
Zecora saw this and similar to the power-hungry teen, realization, and plotting grew in her eyes.
The mare growled at Zephyr. "I can ingest whatever I so wish to, you prick! My body, my choice!"
"Will you stop misusing popular phrases to your advantage!" Zephyr fell over as Zecora barged her way in front of the mare.
"Would you please excuse me and my colleague for just a few moments? I'm sorry for his antics and opinionated comments," Zecora gave a smile that wreaked doctor-like professionalism.
Zephyr gave the game stand mare the stink eye before being dragged to the side by Zecora. He sat down and crossed his arms with a huff, mentally done with the day. "What's up doc?"
"While you and that mare were in dispute I figured out how to stop the cursed fruit."
Zephyr raised a brow in interest. "I'm listening."
"Much like regular food, their bodies are quite fragile. Crashing and splattering upon impact as they aren't very agile. Smashing them would make this disaster not last here."
Zephyr nodded in contemplation. "Great observation, but there are so many of those rascals the two of us alone can't smash them all."
The teal guard could just hear the gears working in the mare's head as she said excitedly, "I hoped you'd say that. Tell me, are you any good with a bat?"
Author's note:
*Awkwardly shuffles into the room*
Hey family, how are yall-
Some guy in the crowd: WHERE TF HAVE YOU BEEN!?
Me: *nervously hands guy a glass of orange juice to calm down* I know I'm sorry, university has been hectic AF but we persevered bitches!
Originally this chapter was going to be 8k words, hence why I took so long to update, but I decided to divide it into two chapters at the last minute. So expect another chapter update either today or tomorrow. Love yall!
Shows Over!