Indiana Jones-style music was playing as Mr. Krabs's sword cut off branches and he barreled his way through a dense coral tree forest, looking disheveled and battered but also wearing a brand-new, snowy-white fur coat.
"Almost there…." He grinned eagerly despite the tired features on his face.
As he pushed some more branches out of the way, he was confronted by a maw of sharp teeth and a pair of piercing red eyes with slit pupils.
"Oh, c'mon…" Krabs rolled his eyes exasperatedly.
"Grrrrrr….." a huge lion fish emerged from the thicket and roared loudly, nearly blowing Krabs away in the process and covering him in spit.
But the old sailor was unfazed and he returned the favor. "RAAAAAARRR!" he bellowed at the beast.
The lion fish dropped his ears and swam away while meowing like newborn kitten, revealing a bright light just barely concealed behind another grove of coral trees.
"At last!" Krabs beamed. "I'm here!"
He pulled out a glass bottle from his backpack. "Another lifetime of makin' money, here I come!"
But first, he pulled out his phone and called the Krusty Krab. "Hello? Yes, Mr. Squidward, it be me." He said proudly, but then grew a sour frown.
"Of course I'm still alive, ye ninny! The jungle….eh…the concrete jungle ain't no match for me!" he barked. "Anyway, I have almost finished me errands in New Kelp City, so expect me back mannin' the Krusty Krab by tomorrow, seven o'clock sharp. See ya!"
He tucked his phone back into his backpack but after pondering for a moment, he pulled out two additional bottles.
"No point in wastin' a loyal and cheap two-man crew like 'em!" he figured before eagerly running towards his final destination. "Come t' pappa!"
Cue bubble transition...
The Krusty Krab, meanwhile, only saw a handful of customers even though it was already noon. Squidward figured that, considering what he saw on the local news last night, plenty of citizens didn't get the chance to say their goodbye to Squilliam yet. He doubted anyone who frequented the Krusty Krabs had known him personally, they were probably just fans of one of his albums or something.
It was such a slow day in fact, that Squidward had temporarily "promoted" Spongebob to double-duty and gave him his Krusty Krab hat, placing it right next to Spongebob's own. After calling an ambulance and having two paramedics revive the sponge from his bliss coma, Spongebob wasted no time getting to work, even though there wasn't much work to be done today. He had done all the chores yesterday.
Squidward just sat by a table with a newspaper, resting his head in his tentacle and contemplating. After a goodnight's rest, he was feeling just a tad better, his mind was a bit clearer but he still felt like there was something off. A world without Squilliam? That sounded like a dream come true, but something inside of Squidward kept nagging him, like he had some unfished business.
"Hey! Hey! Mr. Tentacles!" Spongebob waved from the counter like a child showing off his macaroni art.
Once Squidward finally glanced at him, Spongebob took the money from a customer, placed it in the register and then pulled a tray with a Krabby Patty and a coke out of thin air and handed it to the fish, who just walked away confused, and more than a little unnerved.
"Come back soon, Norm!" Spongebob waved at him happily, and the light-olive fish with a purple dorsal fin and lips grinned and waved back awkwardly.
Norm remembered Spongebob the Fry Cook from when his father Nat used to bring him here. He remembered him as this cool and exuberant figure who served up amazing Krabby Patties and was a friend to all the children, like an underwater Ronald McDonald. Now though, Mr. Squarepants just felt odd, and more than a little creepy. Norm made a mental note to take his wife and children someplace else to eat from now on.
"Did I do good! Did I do good!" Spongebob turned to his boss, shaking with anticipation.
Squidward just gave him an unenthusiastic thumbs-up, making the sponge tremble with giddiness and giggle.
The door opened and a familiar mammal in a domed spacesuit walked in.
"Howdy, Spongebob!" the Texan squirrel waved.
"Hey, Sandy!" Spongebob greeted her. "What brings you here? Do you have a hankering for a Krabby Patty today!" he swung his fist exuberantly.
"Sure, why not. I 'aven't had any grub today." Sandy shrugged as she walked up to the counter. "But ah wanted t' see how you're doin'? What's the deal with thu double hat?"
"Oh, I'm on double duty today." Spongebob said like it was the most prestigious thing in the world. "Mr. Tentacles thinks I'm ready for it!"
Sandy sent the octopus a suspicious glare. "Ya mean he's makin' you do all the grunt work?"
Squidward rolled his eyes. "Sandy, get real? Customers ain't exactly flocking in today?" he deadpanned and gestured at the many empty tables, as only three were preoccupied by lone customers. Norm was munching on his patty and seemed eager to leave as quickly as possible. He needed to find a new dinner for lunch break.
"Oh, it's no big deal, Sandy. I relish doing this." Spongebob assured her. "It's the perfect opportunity to hone in my skills."
"You've worked here for two stinking decades. How much more time do you need to "hone in" your skills as a burger fool?" Squidward thought exasperatedly but said nothing.
"Well, alraaght then. How's Maddi….eh.." Sandy grew nervous "…ah mean Gary, how's Gary doin'?"
"Gary? He's doing great!" Spongebob told her exuberantly but his smile faltered a bit. "Well, now that you mention it, he has been acting a little funny? Once I came back home, he spent most of his time standing in a corner and looking at me weirdly, almost like he was scared."
Spongebob chuckled. "Why, if I didn't know any better, I'd say he was a stranger in his own home? But that's silly." He waved his hand dismissively.
Sandy was sweating and her dome was getting clouded by fog. She pulled one arm up and wiped the dome with a hanky from the inside.
"Yeah, that is weird?" she said sheepishly. "Doncha worry. He has probably just grown accustomed to roamin' thu open meadows at Blue's farm. He just needs to get reacquainted with his ol' surroundings?"
"I'm sure you're right, Sandy. You always know best." Spongebob bought it instantly. "Well, I'll have your patty done in no time! See ya in five minutes!" he jumped back and slid through the kitchen window.
Now alone, Sandy shifted awkwardly before Squidward broke the silence.
"Do you feel guilty, Sandy? Lying to your so-called best friend?" the octopus deadpanned while fiddling with his tentacle on the table.
"Ah thought I told ya this ain't yar bussines!" Sandy walked up to him and slammed her palms into the table. Squidward was unfazed.
"I kept my promise, I didn't say squat." He said lamely. "I just noticed how you seemed very uncomfortable lying to him."
The squirrel winced and took a step back. "Ah..ah ain't enjoyin' it, wise guy." She narrowed her eyes. "Ah know it's a crummy thing to do, but if he finds out, he'll be crushed. Ah don't want to see 'im crushed."
"Sure." Squidward droned.
"What's that supposed thu mean?" Sandy said accusingly.
"Nothing, I just said "sure"." Squidward replied, his eyes still focused on the newspaper.
Sandy was agitated, but the octopus gave her no opening to take the moral high ground. She almost wished that he made fun of her age again or something, so she would have an excuse to clock him. Taking a gander at the newspaper, she read the headline. She recalled reading that story two days ago.
"That Fancyson fellar bit the dust, huh?" she pointed at the article, specifically the picture showing the tombstone.
"Yes. Funny thing how so many people adore him and yet nobody bothered to put his real name on there? Probably don't know it." Squidward idly pointed at the tombstone.
"Wut?" Sandy made a face. "Squilliam Fancyson ain't his real name?"
"Nope." Squidward said impassively. "I oughta know, we were classmates in high school. His real name was actually Otto Mantelmeyer. And he ain't no "third" either, his dad's name was Thaddeus and he was a music teacher at community college."
"Community….? So that snob wasn't born rich?" Sandy asked.
"No siree, why else would he have been attending public school?" Squidward stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Sandy made no comment. It did make sense now that she thought about it, as most celebrities used pseudonyms. Most of the rodeo cowboys she used to idolize as a little kit turned out to have much lamer names than what they used in the ring.
Squidward let out a humorless snort as an old memory came flooding back. "Y'know? I still remember when that talent agent spotted him playing the clarinet during our sophomore year talent show, that's what got his career rolling. That sleazeball was all like…"
He adopted a lisp and talked at a brisker pace. "You got talent, kid. But that name's gotta go. If you want to make it big you'll need a name with more….pizzaz!"
His small smile melted into a bitter frown. "He also told me to check out the Krusty Krab after I get my diploma."
"Ya don't say? But then, why are ya in such a dour mood anyhoo? Ah thought you and that yuppie hated each other like a coyote and bobcat?" she inquired, less accusingly and more out of morbid curiosity.
"We sure did, I still loathe him with a burning passion." Squidward droned.
"Well, why aren't ya ecstatic then?" Sandy shrugged and sat next to him. "Ah'd shaw be happy if maah worst enemy kicked thu bucket?
"I know, I've been asking myself the same thing." Squidward said, more to himself than to the squirrel. "But ever since I first read that article last night, I just felt….nothing."
"Nothin'?"
"Yes, nothing." Getting an idea, he finally looked at Sandy. "You're a scientist, right? Do you think something is wrong with me? Like physically?"
Sandy blinked, not sure what to say. "I dunno? Are ya hurtin'?"
"No, I don't feel any pain. I'm not sad, but I don't feel happy either. And I don't know why?" he raised his voice a little, his frustration growing. "As you said, I should be ecstatic that he croaked, but I'm not. I just feel nothing?"
That got the wheels in Sandy's head moving. She did have a keen interest in psychology, much like any other branch of science. Squidward's strange plight sure piqued her interest. But she was just as baffled as he was.
Musing, she once more pulled her arm up to her chin inside the suit, to rub it in contemplation.
"Maybe ya'll disappointed that ya never got thu last laugh?" she suggested.
"What now?"
"Weren't ya two rivals for a long time? Ya were always tryin' to stick it to 'im, without much success?"
"Don't remind me." Squidward rubbed his temple.
"Maybe that's why?" Sandy shrugged. "Ya feel cheated that ya never got yur revenge?"
"No, that's not it." Squidward replied with strong conviction. "I told you, I'm not feeling sad or disappointed, I just feel numb. Besides…"
He paused for a moment and reluctantly continued. "I've realized that Squilliam had pretty much won this feud a long time ago, if you could even call it a feud. I think I first realized it a few years back, the last time I spoke with Squilliam in person."
"What 'appened?"
"He rubbed his success in my face, as usual." Squidward sighed. "But something was different that time. He gave me a severe dressing down and yet…..I hate to admit it, but I feel like he gave me a reality check. I've been trying to upstage him for years, and it almost never worked. The few times I did, it didn't last. And he made sure to let me know. You might remember the Bubble Bowl thing, you were part of my band after all?"
Sandy grimaced. She remembered that event quite vividly, even if it had been nearly 20 years ago. She had still been a newcomer back then. She had no idea how Spongebob managed to get all those dunderheads to pull together and be a proper band for one night, but things went back to normal the next day. If you thought things were chaotic during the practice week before the big event, you'd seen nothing yet.
"Ah do, actually. We put on quite the show, huh?" she thought fondly, though the aftermath was anything but fond to her. "Ah didn't know back then just how….chaotic the folk of Bikini Bottom could git."
Now that she thought about it, while the citizens of this town never were all sunshine and rainbows, it felt like the new generation of Bikini Bottomites had gotten quite a bit nastier, onerier and more judgmental, as well as more scatterbrained. Sandy had never quite integrated herself into this society, given how her only real friends who always had her back was Spongebob, but in the past, she didn't have to clean graffiti that hoodlums left on the glass of her treedome saying stuff like "Go back to the surface, air-breather!"
"You just couldn't beat that guy. He was too rich, too powerful, too influenceable, too sneaky, too….. lucky." Squidward lamented. "And yet for all those years, I was too stubborn to admit it. I refused to believe that he was better than me."
Squidward paused as a realization hit him. He thought back to their conversation from three years ago? Yes, he had been a huge fool, that wasn't news to him. But it also made him think of his feud with Squilliam in a different light. It was easy to blame Squilliam for all of it, not like he was blameless in any way. But just how blameless was Squidward in this?
"Yeesh, that sounds pretty rough when ya put it like thaaht?" Sandy replied attentively. "Look, Squidward? Just because someone's more successful than ya, doesn't mean they're "better". Money doesn't buy ya character or-"
"How is he not better than me in any conceivable way?" Squidward sighed tiredly and rested his forehead in his tentacle. "I have spent 40 years trying to make something out of my life and what do I have to show for it? Zilch, I'm still stuck working in this same dump?"
Sandy grimaced. She was starting to pity the old octopus. No, not pity, she was feeling sorry for him. She had known that he was miserable and unlucky, but she never pondered much about it. She and him didn't talk much. They weren't friends after all, they just knew each other by proxy, since Spongebob touched both of their lives so much.
"Ah…ah'm sorry to hear that. Ah really am."
"Don't pity me."
Sandy scowled. "Ah ain't pityin' ya." She insisted curtly. "It's called compassion."
"I know." Squidward replied, much to her surprise. "But don't feel sorry for me, really. I don't have anyone to blame for this but myself. I knew Lady Luck had dealt me a bad hand but I still could have avoided some of my grief, especially with Squilliam, if I had just eaten some humble pie."
"Don't be such a cynic for Pete's sake!" Sandy scolded him. "Ah know you 'ave quite the inflated ego but nobody deserves thu 'ave all their hopes and dreams crushed and 'ave some rich snob mock 'em for it."
Squidward didn't argue there. "Maybe, but what's the point now? Not like I can backpaddle and turn my life around. I made my bed and now I have to sleep in it. I already squandered my life."
Sandy didn't know what to say to that. She wanted to make him feel better somehow, but he was right. He was nearly 60 and he had accomplished none of his ambitions, he was just a cashier at a fast-food joint. It wasn't exactly a prestigious position. Spongebob was in no better position, but Sandy would have been hard-pressed to say he wasn't living his dream. The little yellow dude loved his job, flipping patties was his passion. Most people wouldn't call it a great job, but he did. He was a roaring success as far as he himself was concerned.
Mr. Krabs wasn't a big success either, but Sandy understood that as long as he had money to hoard, bathe in and take out to dinner, the old crustation was a happy camper. Patrick….Patrick just had no ambitions, he just wanted to lie around, stuff his face and play with Spongebob. He never once asked to practice karate like Spongebob did. When your expectations were that low, failure and misery were statistically impossible.
"Well…..it can't be all bad? You're…..you're still alive, ain't ya?" Yikes, that line sounded way better in her head.
"And you call that a good thing?" Squidward snarked, eliciting an unnerved look from the squirrel.
"Relax, I'm being hyperbolic when I say stuff like that, always have been."
"Ah don't appreciate such gallow humor, Squidward." Sandy scolded him once more.
"And they call me the humorless one." The octopus rolled his eyes.
Sandy's features softened a bit. "Hey, at least ya admitted to yur shortcomings? Doin' thaaht is harder that ya might think. Ah'd say that's an accomplishment. It takes a big man to admit the error of his ways. Ah'm pretty sure Squilliam could never 'ave done thaaht. Humble pie is one dish he never would have touched, even with a ten-foot poll."
"Yay me…" Squidward droned while lifting his tentacle up, now morphing to sport an index finger.
"Don't take this lightly, Squidward. Character matters a lot more than material possessions. At least ah think so."
"You do?" Squidward asked idly. Him actually being better at something at Squilliam? Now that was a crazy thought.
"Sure do, ah say that because ah know it ain't no pickin' daisies, swallowin' your own pride." Sandy continued and sighed. "Ah 'aven't always been the humblest landlubber, especially with all maah success."
"Your success?" Squidward asked, and upon receiving a cocked eyebrow from Sandy, he quickly added. "No, I'm not trying to make fun of you, it's just….you feel like succeeded at your dreams?"
"Ah guess ah do." Sandy also leaned on the table. "It's been a bumpy ride for sure. Ah remember when ah was just a kid? I excelled at all maah classes, both PE as well as all the academic ones. It sure didn't earn me a lot of friends though. A lot of kids were jealous, most of all the boys. Especially when ah kicked their keisters at the dojo."
"Ouch. Yeah, nobody likes being outclassed. I should know." Squidward replied, actually finding himself paying attention to her tale.
"Well, ah guess ah didn't help maah case by bein' a haughty little braggart." Sandy admitted, a little bashfully. "Tell me somethin'? Did ya 'ave to deal with naysayers?"
"Pfffttttt…..you need to ask? Too many to count. Including mother."
"Yur ma didn't believe in ya?" Sandy was surprised. Now she really did feel sorry for the old octopus.
"Nope, not even once." Squidward sighed. "She used to constantly tell me "Oh, Squiddums? Why can't you be more like that nice Otto boy?". And now she still has a shrine dedicated to Squilliam at her nursing home. In her old age, she keeps forgetting to call me on my birthday, but she can still recite all of Squilliam's greatest hits by heart."
Sandy whistled. "Jumpin' jackrabbits, and ah thought maah folks were bad."
"They weren't supportive of you?"
"As if." Sandy chuckled a bit. "Ma and Pa Cheeks are very old-fashioned rodents. They found all maah academic and athletic achievements at school quaint at best. They thought it was silly for a gal to spend her spare time runnin' through the Badlands and wranglin' rattlesnakes, and coyotes, and whole sounders of angry javelinas."
"Oh, no." Sandy shook her head. "Ah wasn't sure if ah wanted to pursue a career as a scientist or an athlete. Ultimately, ah decided not to squander maah big noggin and continued doin' karate and other sports as a hobby. But ma and pa didn't approve of that. They just wanted me to marry some useless, musclebound farm boy and raise hordes of grandchildren fer them."
Squidward couldn't help but smirk as he envisioned Sandy as a housewife, decked out in a classic flower dress and apron, ironing out clothes in some little hillbilly cottage, with a burly male squirrel wearing a cowboy hat, a stained undershirt and ripped jeans with a huge belt buckle passed out in front of the tv, while dozens of little kits in diapers crawled all around them and were crying. Sandy's expression of pure misery made any Squidward himself had sported look quaint by comparison.
"But ah said "Nuts to that!" and grabbed thu first train out of Acornville the moment ah got accepted into maah dream college. And yes, that is the actual name of my hometown. 'aven't looked back since."
"You're bold and you don't compromise, I respect that." Squidward shrugged, but his sentiment was sincere.
"And look at me now?" Sandy spread her arms out for emphasis. "Ah'm a senior scientist at Tree Dome Enterprises Limited, still sittin' perdy from the 20-year extension of my contract with benefits that Lord Reginald offered me in 2006, may he rest in peace. And I'm a pioneer at pushing underwater treedomes as a means to study marine life in the field."
After getting no immediate response, Sandy shrank a bit. "Eh…sorry, didn't mean to brag."
"Nah, it's fine." Squidward waved his tentacle. "At least you're not being a total jerkwad about it, like a certain somebody that has left us."
He sighed. "At least some people can look back at their life and not have any regrets."
"Who said ah 'ave no regrets?" Sandy countered. "You think ah made no mistakes that ah regret now?"
Okay, now he really was curious. "Okay, color me intrigued. Just what could you be regretting?"
"Ah know how ya had to quit interpretive dancin'."
Squidward blinked. "How do you know that?"
"Spongebob." Sandy said simply. "You know the little square dude can be quite the blabbermouth. He still thinks you're just in a rut and will get back to dancin' in no time, but ah know better. Ah've been there."
"What? Square dancing?"
"No, ink-for-brains! Ah'm talkin' about karate, and pretty much anythin' else that requires stamina and physical strength." The Texan squirrel took on a more sullen tone.
Squidward wasn't following. "I was under the impression you had plenty of that?"
"Ah did, probably would still do, if ah didn't push maahself to the limit fer all these years. Ah always felt the need to go the distance, no matter what ah achieved, no matter how many records ah broke, I wasn't satisfied and ah kept pushin' myself to the limit. Folks told me that if ah didn't take breaks once in a while maah body would quit on me and…well…." Sandy's voice trailed off, her ears folded and she glanced down.
Squidward slowly put it together. "You're saying you can't do sports anymore?" he asked her, actually sounding sympathetic to her plight.
"Not quite but, yeah. Maah daredevil days are pretty much behind me. There's a lot of stuff ah had to kiss goodbye these last few years." Sandy rested her dome against her palm. "Ah know I'm not the youngest gal around these here parts, but ah'm 46, I ain't an old crone just yet. Ah probably could still be doin' a lot of those stunts in moderation if ah hadn't strained maah body while ah was in my prime. Now ah'm really feelin' the burnout."
Now it was her turn to let out a humorless chuckle. "Ah probably wouldn't be 'avin' gray hairs right now either if it hadn't been for maah intense lifestyle for the last 20 years."
"Oh…eh, I'm sorry." Was all Squidward could say. He wasn't good at this sensitivity stuff, but even he understood the tragic irony of your own passion turning into a poison that wound up corrupting you. That was pretty much his life story. It also occurred to him that Sandy's shame about her grey hairs wasn't due to her age.
"Don't be. That's what ah git fer bein' as stubborn as an ox." Sandy leaned back, her mood perking up a bit. "Guess you and ah have more in common that we thought, huh?"
"I guess, except you're good at what you do or used to do." Squidward shrugged, in a rare moment of self-deprecation. "At least you can look back to the old days knowing you were king….or…eh queen of the hills while you were in peak form."
"Yeah, ah have quite the scrapbook chroniclin' all my crazy exploits from the 2000s and 2010s. Spongebob helped out a lot in makin' that, mainly cuz he was there with me. Now, whenever we spar, he thinks his karate is improvin'.." Sandy chuckled "…when it's actually the other way around."
"And I have amassed a whole basement filled with art project that nobody cared to look at." Squidward snarked.
"At least nobody can deny that ya were committed to your lifestyle as an artist." Sandy smiled. Then something hit her, she thought of a way to cheer the cynical cephalopod up. And it wasn't an empty moral platitude, but a real fact.
"Who knows? Maybe someday someone will find 'em and see a new value in 'em? People's tastes change all the thaahm. If ah know maah history, many famous artists were overlooked in life and only found fame after departin' from this here world."
"That's reassuring….I guess." Squidward shrugged. He wasn't sure if he cared about what people might think of his work long after he had passed away. What was the point if the artist himself wasn't there to enjoy the admiration?
But he didn't doubt that what Sandy said was true, given how he was familiar with the concept. Very familiar in fact. It wasn't that long ago that Mr. Krabs actually tried to bump him off so he could sell his art at a higher price. "Art's always more valuable once the artist is out of the picture" they say.
"Here ya go, Ms. Cheeks! One Krabby Patty Delux!" Spongebob finally arrived. He was tangled up in cobwebs and rope and had mustard stains and dust bunnies all over him. Both Squidward and Sandy's eyes widened, but neither felt compelled to ask what happened in the kitchen.
"I apologize for the delay." He bowed respectfully after placing her plate on the table. "The Krabby Patty is on the house." He added as a compensation, before realizing something and looking over at Squidward for approval.
"I mean…if that's okay with you, Mr. Tentacles."
Looking back at Sandy, Squidward shrugged. "Sure, it's on the house."
He gave the squirrel a small smirk. "What Ol' Eugene doesn't know won't hurt us, am I right?"
He felt gracious towards Sandy, but he couldn't lie. He also found perverse pleasure in sticking it to his boss's miserly ways behind his back, and this was the second time he had done it in less than 24 hours, after giving himself a shortened shift last day.
Sandy smiled back. She hadn't expected to have a pleasant conversation with misanthropist supreme, Squidward Q. Tentacles, but what do you know?
But then, all three heard the pitter-patter of tiny feet. They glanced at the floor and saw the bottle containing the Krabby Patty formula moving by itself past them.
"Oh, give me a break." Squidward rolled his eyes once more and picked up the bottle, revealing a familiar copepod beneath it.
"Hey! Give it back! I stole it fair and square!" Plankton cried in utter desperation.
The only one who seemed surprised was, big shock, Spongebob, who gasped overdramatically.
"Plankton! You're up to your old tricks I see!" he waggled his finger at the disgruntled thief. Squidward and Sandy exchanged tired glances.
"No! It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair!" Plankton fell to the floor and pounded it with his fists.
"Plankton, can't ya try to take your loss with…a little dignity?" Sandy asked him sarcastically, after watching the one-eyed felon who was, as far as they knew, as old as Mr. Krabs himself acting like a spoiled toddler.
"Really now? You thought you could escape through the front door?" Squidward asked him pitifully. "And don't you have anything better to do?"
The sight in front of them was so pathetic, Squidward seriously considered just telling the little shrimp that this bottle was a dud and that there was no real formula to Krabs's fabled Krabby Patty, just a bunch of hearsays perpetuated by Krabs himself as free marketing meant to ensnare the gullible citizens. But he knew Krabs would have his hide if he did that, not to mention the fallout of having to deal with Spongebob crying his heart out for weeks after learning that his idol was a fraud.
"Better things to do? You're a riot, Squidward!" Plankton spat out bitterly as he got up. "What else do I have left but achieving my life's goal? My flipping marriage has been in shambles for years, Spot flew the coop and I'm even losing my integrity."
Sandy snorted. He was practically begging her to say it. "Ah didn't know ya had any to begin with, ya microscopic miscreant?"
"Fool! I'm talking about my biological integrity!" Plankton shot back. "I still haven't perfected my synthetic body!"
"Synthetic what now?" Sandy raised an eyebrow and right then, she, Squidward and Spongebob all saw a wet blotch appear on Plankton's side.
"What?!" he asked in a surly tone.
"Plankton? I think you're leaking?" an unnerved Squidward told him.
His pupil shrinking, Plankton looked at his side and saw it was indeed leaking and a patch of his dark-green skin fell off, making the others recoil in disgust.
Plankton cried and clutched his head. "Oh, no! I have to get back to my laboratory!"
"You-haven't-seen-the-last-of-me! Bla-bla-bla! You know the drill!" the copepod yelled quickly as he pushed the door open and ran back to the Chum Bucket.
But as he tried to open the door, it wouldn't budge. "What?!" Plankton panicked and used all his strength (which wasn't much) to try and open it.
He felt more blotches appear all over his body and shrieked in horror and felt himself. "The keys?! Where did I put the keys?!"
He proceeded to bang on the door. "Karen! Karen! Where are you! Open the door!" But he got no response.
Trembling with fear, Plankton felt his body sizzling now and that's when he knew his time had finally run out.
"Well, poop…" he droned tiredly as his eyelid dropped halfway. "I regret everything."
Squidward, Spongebob and Sandy could only watch in horror as Plankton's eye caved in, leaving behind a vacant black hole, his teeth fell out, his skin turned ashy grey and his antennas coiled up before his body shriveled up and crumbled into a pile of dust, which was soon swept away by a light current.
At the Krusty Krab, the trio was stupefied, or more accurately, utterly mortified.
"What just happened?" a slack-jawed Squidward asked.
Blinking in shock, Sandy gave her answer, "Ah guess that no-good varmint transferred his conscience into a new, artificial body to prolong his lifespan but he hasn't worked out all the kinks?" she deduced, earning odd looks from Spongebob and Squidward.
"Just an educated guess?" she shrugged.
R.I.P Sheldon J. Plankton. Let's be real. We all knew that guy would not go out on a bang, but on a whimper. And this is where I change the rating.
I finally got around giving my explanation for how Plankton is still alive (or used to be), despite being childhood friends with Mr. Krabs (yes, "Friend or Foe" is one of the episodes I factored into this saga). For him, some freaky mad science experiment felt the most appropriate. This was meant to be shown in "Some Things Never Change", but wound up not being used in order to keep the one-shot simple. While other characters are metaphorically "decaying", Plankton is doing both that while also literally decaying. The concept of the Krabby Patty formula being a fraud is something that I also used in "A Dash of Logic" and it felt fitting to include it in this version as well, given the overall cynical tone.
Squidward and Sandy do indeed have more in common than you might think at first glance. The biggest commonality is that both of them are generally rational character stuck in a town full of crazy people, and both have egos, Squidward far more blatantly, but Sandy is no stranger to getting blinded by her pride either. Sandy felt like the only character that could logically have this kind of conversation with Squidward.
Looks like we're going for a fourth chapter. This was meant to be the final one, but the whole Krusty Krabs segment with Sandy went on for longer than I thought. Chapter four will definitely be the final one, as I only have one more scene planned, and it will go back to the Squidward/Squilliam feud.
About the idea of Squilliam Fancyson going by a fake name, that idea came naturally, given how common it is with real celebrities, who always adopt a more "flashy" stage name that most of their fans don't realize is a stage name. "Mantel" of course refers to the body part in octopuses and squids called a "mantel", with "Otto" being an obvious punny and also "unimpressive" name, and since it is German, I added the cliché "meyer" suffix, at which point I also chose to name Squilliam's father "Thaddeus", as a nod to Squidward's German dub name.
And just to be clear, Mr. Krabs will not succeed at slipping a youth serum into Squidward and Spongebob's drinks, just in case I write a sequel to this. Something will happen to foil his plan. They are destined to die from old age, or some other premature but still natural factor XD