Chapter 3

'Good. And one other thing. I love you,' Bones pale, huge eyes were crystal clear and serious. Booth felt that he was about to faint. He probably didn't hear it right, he knew she cared for him and wanted to give them a real shot, but no way she would just say something like that.

'What?' he whispered.

'I love you. I just wanted you to know,' she sounded almost clinical and then reached to kiss him, but he couldn't respond, he felt numb. Any other woman would expect for him to say it back or to say anything really, but it was Bones. She just wanted to inform him, because it was a fact and she wanted to share it with him, Bones never lied, if she said something, she meant it for real.

'What's wrong Booth?' she asked him, bringing him back from the numbness, of course she would notice zero action from his side.

'You love me?' he needed to make sure he heard it right.

'Yes, of course I do,' she said it as simply as if they were discussing the weather. He felt his lips break into a huge grin.

'I love you too, Bones. You know that, right?'

'Yes,' she looked at him and he saw sadness in her eyes. 'I never wanted to break your heart.'

He swallowed sickly, here it was an elephant in the room. Yes, they both loved each other, yes, they wanted to be together, but before they both got to this point, mistakes were made. Booth wasn't sure how to respond to it, he didn't blame her, not really, but yes, she did break his heart and to be fair, he hurt her too.

'Bones, don't…' he knew that they needed to talk about this, but he didn't want to talk about it tonight. He saw the same stubbornness in Bones' eyes she usually had when she was working on something unpleasant, but inevitable. This was the scientist in her, sometimes the solution was hard. Maybe it was for the best to talk through those things before they go any further.

'I am aware that I am far from being an expert when it comes to emotions, Booth, but given our history and newfound intimacy, I truly believe we need to discuss it, otherwise this unresolved issue will fester and infect us, just like any physical wound, I learned it from you. I do not wish for us to make the same mistakes; I don't want for us to end up on the opposite sides of the world again.'

He looked at Bones and was really impressed by how far she had come from the day they met. She might not be the expert, but she was definitely taking lessons. It was one of the things he always admired about her, her desire to improve and learn, her ability to accept that growth and change is necessary, even though it is not easy for her.

'You are right,' he nodded, he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead and guided them to his couch. Bones' assessment of the situation was surprisingly accurate. As happy as he was, the things that happened between in the past year cracked a once unbreakable bond they shared. It was both of their faults, really, Bones made the first dent, but he didn't help the situation either. 'I am not going to deny it…It was difficult for me, but I always tried my best to be a good partner to you and a good friend, because that what you wanted to me at that time. But I was also mad.'

'Yes, I remember, you told me.'

'Yeah…It's just, even after our conversation near Hoover, I was still hoping you might change your mind, even when you said you are leaving, damn it, even at the airport, I was hoping that you will ask me to stay once you saw me there. I was doing all these big romantic gestures and you still rejected me, again and again. And I gave up, it's not my nature, but I respected your decision, so when you didn't try to contact me in any way, that's when my anger finally overpowered my sadness over what I thought was lost and I had to move on from that, I had to, I couldn't let rage to dictate my life.'

'I understand, Booth, but we agreed to meet, a year later, I was never going to miss that! I am sorry, Booth, but I needed that break, even now, even when I almost lost you, I am still happy I took it, because I wasn't myself, I…'

Bones got up from the couch and turned away from him facing the dark window outside. He didn't push her; he knew that Bones needed her time sometimes to express what she was feeling. He waited patiently, his eyes never leaving her back.

'I loved our work together,' she finally broke the silence, Booth saw her reflection in his window and he could swear her eyes were wet, he wanted to comfort her, to help her, but he wouldn't dare to break whatever it was that Bones needed to tell him. 'I loved spending time with you and I knew there was nothing I wouldn't do to help you, to protect you, but I couldn't love you back then, not the way you wanted me too.'

She finally turned to face him, her expression was serious, almost detached, her nostrils were a little paler than usual and her eyes were now fixed on Booth's face and he knew he wouldn't be able to break the contact even if he tried. She was letting him in and he welcomed it.

'People always assume that my work has no effect on me, but they are wrong, just because I can be a professional, I can compartmentalize, doesn't mean that I don't feel anything.'

'Hey, I know that, we all know that,' he repeated himself from not so long ago, when they were working on that poor, deaf kid's case. Sweets' words were particularly hurtful that day, he knew that.

'All the years of murders, all the time I almost died, all that happened…My father coming back, my mother's remains, us being in danger all the time, serial killers threatening our friends, my new relationships, all that caught up with me and…I know this is irrational and can't be really proven, but…The best I can describe it, I felt like a person who was drowning. I was afraid all the time, Booth, and that is not me, I don't get scared easily, you know that. But at that time, especially with the Gravedigger case, the fear consumed everything else, it was the only constant. It left no place for anything. I felt no satisfaction in my work and you know how much it means to me, my relationships felt like a burden, like something that was clouding my judgement…'

'Yeah, I remember, you told me that it made you weaker, that you afraid you would lose to Taffet because of all the relationships you formed.'

'That is correct, so when you asked us to give us a chance, I just couldn't add love to the list. I didn't fully comprehend what was going on, what you were trying to give me, but I knew I had no strength for what you were asking in return.'

Booth couldn't help but approached her, he still didn't dare to touch her, but he just wanted to make his presence known.

'Why didn't you tell me, Bones?'

'I,' she smiled sadly and swallowed her tears. 'I didn't know how, Booth, I didn't know what was happening with me and by the time I put it all together, you…'

'I met somebody else.'

'Yes.'

'I am sorry, Bones, I should have known better, I…' she pressed her fingers to his lips.

'It's not your fault, Booth, none of it is. You did the rational thing, you were entitled to happiness, I never wanted to cause you pain and despite my own feelings, I was truly happy for you and I never resented you or Hannah, this was just how things were at the time. And when I told you that I missed my chance I never expected you to break your new relationship, I just needed you to know the truth.'

'Bones…' he wanted to explain things to her too, but she wouldn't let him.

'Please, let me finish, Booth, I don't think I can do better than now. I would never intentionally hurt you. Angela once told me that I had the power to make Hannah disappear, I am not sure how accurate she was, but I wanted you to know that I would never do anything like that. I am sure Angela was just trying to tell me something that I still don't fully understand, but I didn't like her assumption that I could be cruel to you.'

'I am pretty sure she didn't mean it like that, Bones,' he finally took her hand in his and since she didn't attempt to interrupt him, he knew it was his turn now. 'But she wasn't wrong. I…' he debated with himself for a moment whether to tell her the whole truth or not, but given her own confessions, he owed her to be at least as sincere as she was. 'I wasn't lying to you when I told you she wasn't a consolation prize, I really tried to move on, but I couldn't and the moment you told me that you regretted not giving me a chance I knew it was over.'

'But you asked her to marry you!'

'Yes, I did, but it was all for the wrong reasons, it was the last desperate attempt to kill that voice in my head that was telling me that I screwed up, that I made a mistake. I was trying so hard to prove to myself and everyone else that I moved on that I completely forgot that Hannah had her own agenda, her own feelings and thoughts about our relationship. Not once I took into account, what she wanted. I wasn't trying to be a douche, but I was, I pushed her to move in with me, I pushed her to meet Parker, I pushed her and pushed her until she ran away. And the only reason I was doing that because I knew she could never replace you, nobody can. She was supposed to be my overseas fling, an adventure, my real life was here. And I am sorry too.'

'Poor Hannah,' she sighed heavily. And hugged his waist. 'And poor Sully.'

'Sully? What does he have to do with anything?'

'He was my Hannah, Booth. I didn't leave with him because of you,' she said simply.

'So, you knew, or at least suspected, from the start too?'

'Yes, but these feelings I have for you, they shifted my world view upside down and it took me awhile to adapt to the idea.'

'Yeah, I know the drill,' he pressed his forehead to hers. 'So, this is that? You and me and nobody else in the middle? I am not sure my conscience would survive if somebody else got hurt because of our issues.'

'I want that, but…Do you really believe it? That we can actually have 30, 40, 50 years together?'

'Yes, Bones, I believe it. I believe in us. Don't you?'

'I am not sure. I still need more evidence on the matter. But I do believe in you Booth and for now this is enough.'