July 29th continued
Things escalated pretty quickly as me and Nate were wrapped around each other.
The strap of my dress fell down to reveal my bra, but I pulled it back up.
Nate pulls away.
"Jenny we don't have to", Nate says breathless.
"No, no", I pulled Nate back to me. "I want to, I just, I don't know how this stuff works, I'm sorry".
"Don't be sorry", Nate smiles softly.
"It's just the first time I've even made out with someone was with you a couple months ago", I giggle looking down.
"Really?", Nate seemed surprised. "Was it okay?".
"Yeah, it was... it was more than okay", I say. "And I want this to be with you, I just wanted you to know I'm a virgin".
"I kind of figured", Nate says. "And I don't want to pressure you, that's not what tonight was about, that's not what any of this was about. And I know you're only 16-".
"I know, but I want to be with you", I cut off Nate's babbling and slowly pull his shirt up over his head. "If you want to".
"I do", Nate says and presses his lips against mine again while trying to undo my dress.
"It's hard to take off, I know", I giggle.
Nate laughs while struggling.
"I've got it", Nate laughs triumphantly and suddenly I'm in my bra and underwear. If I'd have known I would've worn a cuter set. I'm wearing a fairly plain white bra and panties.
Nate sits on the edge of the bed, now in just his boxers, and I hover above him.
"You're so beautiful Jenny", Nate says.
I cover my body with my arms.
"I'm tall and gangly, and I'm way too skinny", I scoff looking down at my feet.
Nate gently pulls my arms from my body.
"No you're not", Nate says and starts to kiss my neck.
"I think you're perfect", he whispers in my ear.
I begin to blush as Nate kisses down my neck. I even squeal at one point which earns a chuckle from Nate.
Things progress further until we're in the bed, I slip my undergarments off and Nate grabs a condom from the beside drawer.
"I'm really happy to be here with you right now", Nate whispers and then kisses me again. "Like this".
"Me too", I say softly and let out a breathy nervous sigh which rustles his hair as he hovers above me.
"We can just go slow, and tell me if anything doesn't feel right", Nate says and I nod.
I don't remember much after that because I was so nervous and felt so much. So much for Nate, so much for the moment, so much for losing my virginity, for being this vulnerable with someone.
I remember it hurt a bit, and I remember Nate asking if I was okay every 30 seconds or so, to which I kept replying I was and he didn't have to ask.
I hoped he didn't think I was too much of a child, I wanted him to see me as older and more mature.
But mostly I remember the warm feeling, the moments I lost my breath, and Nate brushed the hair out of my eyes watching as I lost control.
And I definitely don't remember much about falling asleep with Nate's arm over my body, pressed together under his sheets.
But I clearly remember the morning after like it happened yesterday. Because as sweet as it was waking up next to him, the panic set in a minute later.
"Nate, oh my god!", I jumped out of bed pulling the sheet around me, as a groggy Nate laid there still waking up.
"What?", Nate croaked in a morning voice before he opened his eyes and it set in. "Oh my god, your dad!".
Nate shot up out of bed in only boxers.
He hands me my bra as I fumble around embarrassingly looking for my dress.
Nate looks as me holding my bra and dress as the sheet covers me, and I stare back at him.
"Um, a little privacy please?", I ask.
"Oh sorry", Nate laughs and turns around.
"Not funny!", I say. "I'm gonna be so dead".
"No I'm gonna be dead, Jenny", Nate says pulling a pair of shorts on behind me. "I'm pretty sure your dad will never let me see you again".
"No he likes you", I object and shrug. "I mean he'll be mad, but we're friends y'know. I'll just say I crashed watching TV".
"Friends?", Nate asks and I turn around, dressed now.
"Yeah, right? I mean you're about the only friend I have besides Eric", I laugh.
Nate laughs quietly but I wonder if he was hurt by it.
"Nate...", I start. I don't want to hurt him. I want to be with him. In some realm of my brain I'm sure I love him, but then I tell myself that it's stupid to think that.
"No it's okay, we gotta get you back", Nate says. "It's still only 6:30, maybe your dad isn't even up yet".
"Yeah you're right", I say and we walk down the stairs and to Nate's car.
Nate opens the door for me but I feel awkward. Everything feels different.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the car mirror and it finally sunk in that I wasn't a virgin anymore.
Me and Nate drive in virtual silence.
When we arrive at Cece's Hampton's house I get out and Nate walks me up to the door.
"You don't have to walk me," I laugh awkwardly.
"Yeah I do", Nate insists and we go inside.
We walk in slowly and I don't see anyone.
"Looks like the coast might be clear", I whisper, but then hear a quiet "Jenny!" and swing around like a jump scare in a movie.
Eric's sipping on a coffee in the breakfast bar area.
"Hey Jenny... and Nate", Eric says quietly giving me a wink.
"Hey man. Just bringing Jen home", Nate says and touches the small of my back so lightly I almost jump. It made me think of the many different times his hands grazed over me.
"Cool", Eric said and paused for a moment. "Rufus is still asleep, he was up late trying to get a hold of my mom, I'm pretty sure he didn't realize you weren't home, but Dan knows".
"Okay", I say. "Note to self, talk to Dan".
"Yeah, you guys want some breakfast?", Eric asks.
"No I'm good, I should probably get going", Nate says. "But I'll call you later Jenny?".
"Yeah sounds good. Thanks for having me over", I stupidly say like I'm a preschooler, but I can't say thanks for having me over and taking my virginity.
Nate smiles and waves goodbye to us.
When Nate is fully gone, Eric forms a smile.
"Did events... transpire?", Eric asked excitedly but still quietly as the not wake up my dad and brother.
"Maybeeee", I tease grabbing a mug to fill with coffee.
"Details Jen!", Eric says pulling the coffee pot away from me until I answer.
"Okay yeah it happened", I say but then I put my head in my hands on the countertop. "But I kind of think I might've ruined it".
"What, was the sex bad?", Eric asks.
"No", I say. "I mean I don't think so. Maybe it was for him since I didn't really know what I was doing".
Now I had a whole new worry.
"Then what?", Eric asks.
"I called him my friend this morning", I sigh.
"Oh...", Eric sighs, thinking. "Well that doesn't mean anything, you guys are friends".
"Yeah but I want to be more than friends", I say.
Suddenly I hear a noise upstairs. Me and Eric exchange panicked glances and sit up straight.
Dan walks into the living room in plaid pajama pants and a beat up grey t shirt.
"That dress looks familiar Jen", Dan mocks. "Oh yeah that's because you wore it last night before I almost put out an amber alert for you".
Dan's sarcasm never goes unappreciated.
"Ha ha Dan", I roll my eyes. "I just watched a movie at Nate's and fell asleep, it was no big deal".
"Okay", Dan seems to accept this answer. "So I won't have to give Nate a talking to then?".
"Nope, not that it's any of your business anyway", I sing, dancing around the kitchen to grab a croissant.
Dan, me, and Eric sit and eat breakfast.
"Is dad okay?", I ask.
"Pretty sure he's just overwhelmed with Serena drama and Lily being MIA", Dan says.
"Yep, we love the women in my family", Eric laughs.
"We might be going back to the city next week to welcome Serena back and try and sort out this whole tabloid thing", Dan explains.
I nod, but deep down I don't want to go back to the city. Of course I love New York, but my life here has been so serene, so free of drama.
Until now I guess.
After breakfast, I go up and shower, change, say hi to my dad, who doesn't seem to be aware that I am now lacking a certain virginity.
I open my phone up to text Nate.
I write out so many messages, but keep deleting them.
Eventually I settle for:
J: "Miss you. My family is crazy over here. Probably even gonna have to go back to the city soon".
He shoots back:
N: Miss you too. My family is asking me to go meet them in Rome for the last week of summer. A week with my mom, grandfather and Tripp, sounds crazy fun, and not at all like a death sentence, right?
J: Lol, yeah sounds like a ball.
N: Yeah, I'd rather stay here.
J: I want to stay here too. When are you leaving?
N: Tonight. Last minute flight my mom booked.
I sigh and put my phone down. I guess all good things really do have to come to an end.
I typed about a billion messages all along the lines of "I'll miss you", "Don't go", "Spend the last hours of our vacation here with me", and even "I love you".
But I end up with:
J: Well have fun! Or as much fun as you can lol. We'll both be back in the city soon.
N: Yeah we will.
Then we sat in a pause of no messages before Nate texts back a few moments later.
N: Can I come say goodbye to you?
A warmth fills my body and butterflies swim in my stomach.
J: Yeah of course you can. Come over anytime.
N: Okay. I'll be over later. Talk to you then.
I lay down on my bed.
I feel like I'm about the lose the only guy I've ever felt this way about.
We'll go back to school. And he'll forget about me.
I just want it to be like last night every day of my life. Walking on the beach, joking around, feeling the wind in my hair, kissing until my lips turn blue.
But that isn't how life works.
And little did I know I'd be paying for it a whole month later.
Nate came by just before dinner time.
Dan was grilling some burgers on the back deck and me and Eric were making a salad.
Me and Eric went outside to check on Dan so when the doorbell rang, my dad answered the door.
"Hey guys, Nate stopped by!", my dad brought Nate into the backyard.
We all greeted Nate, but I could feel his eyes on me.
"Nate, stay for dinner man!", Dan offered.
"Nah, I gotta go, I just came to say goodbye", Nate says.
"Too bad, we're gonna miss you around here son", dad pats him on the back.
"I'm gonna miss everyone too", Nate says smiling.
"Seriously. Thank you for everything". His eyes are on me.
"I mean we didn't do that much, but okay dude", Dan scoffs giving Nate a hug, not understanding.
"Gonna miss you around here", Eric says, and him and Nate exchange a hug.
Nate suddenly reaches me.
"Hey Jenny", he says softly.
"Hey Archibald", I smile.
"Thanks for being my partner in crime this summer", he says.
"No problem", I shrug, but a stinging feeling gives way in my insides. I feel tears come to my eyes.
Don't cry Jenny. God this is so dumb. Don't cry.
He comes closer to me and pulls me in for a hug. I feel his breath on my back. His hair brush my cheeks.
It was only just last night I had him like this. This close to me.
Now he's an eternity away.
"You okay Jen?", Dan laughs as the hug goes on too long.
"Yeah", I pull away quickly. "I'm just gonna miss this summer. It was my best one yet".
"Me too", Nate says.
We all smile at each other for a while until Nate finally speaks.
"Well my driver for the airport is waiting out front so I better go".
Me, Dad, Dan, and Eric wave Nate goodbye as he gets into the car.
I watch Nate wave from the backseat window. Everyone's watching him, but I can tell he's staring directly into my eyes.
The car starts to become smaller and smaller as it goes off into the distance.
I'm feeling like I lost everything. The stinging feeling is getting stronger.
Suddenly this boy, this summer, is gone like a rug pulled out from under me.
Is this what is feels to have your heart break?
I try to push these feelings away, it's stupid isn't it?
Especially when Nate probably doesn't even feel the same way.
Does he?