Here is the next update :) Hope you are all still interested! This installment has a lot less dialogue and a lot more build up.
Two weeks later, Elliot was getting increasingly concerned about Olivia. She had thrown herself into work since her Mother's funeral. Most days he knew she was working overnight, refused to let him drive her home and pulled away from him. She was still there for the kids when they needed it, but she wouldn't let him very close.
The conversation in his kitchen after the funeral had been ringing in his head. Her talking about how she didn't want Maureen to be afraid to trust people because Kathy had left her. That she wanted her to be able to let her best friend in even if she was scared. There was so much unsaid in that conversation and it was driving him crazy not being able to talk to her about it.
Currently, she was typing away at her desk determined to get her paperwork done for the night. He was interrupted from his thoughts and the way he was staring at her when he heard his kids calling him. Turning, he saw his Mom walking in with the four children and he remembered he had agreed to go to dinner with them tonight. He had meant to ask Olivia to join them but their day had been so busy it hadn't happened.
"Hi Daddy!" Richie said running at his Dad, "Are you ready to go?"
Olivia looked up and he immediately saw her relax a bit, "Hey buddy. Yeah...I'm just finishing up here."
Kathleen walked over to Olivia and leaned into her, "Are you coming with us too Livie?"
"Oh…" Olivia said closing her laptop, "I-"
"I didn't get a chance to ask her yet." Elliot said as he stood up, "But we'd love you to join us Liv."
She looked at him quickly and then back at the kids, "Thank you for inviting me! But I actually have plans tonight. I'm sorry...maybe next time."
Maureen's heart flip flopped in her chest, "Plans? What kind of plans?"
Elliot shot his daughter a look but couldn't help but feel anxiety in his own heart, did she hate a date, "Maureen, that's not our business. Oliva has her own life…"
Olivia stood up and reached for her bag before turning to the kids and smiling, "Dinner sounds much more fun. Especially if I could hang out with you. But I will take a rain check, okay? I know you'll have fun with your Dad and Grandma."
Kathleen wrapped her arms around Olivia's middle, "Will you come by this weekend?"
Olivia smiled and squeezed her, "I'll try, okay?"
Elliot watched as she hugged all the kids, said hi to Bernie and then started to walk towards the elevator. He noticed that she didn't say anything to him and he quickly started to walk after her, calling out to his Mom that he would be right back. He barely caught up to her before she slipped into the elevator, but his hand wrapped around her elbow and tugged her back.
"Liv wait." His voice sounded strange to him, he was pleading and he knew it.
He heard her sight before she turned back to him, "El I need to-"
He tugged her a little harder and she followed him down the hallway into the little alcove, "Where are you going? I know you haven't eaten and -"
"I just have plans." Slowly, she extracted her arm from his grasp, "You said yourself, I have my own life. I'm sorry if the kids are disappointed but I really need to-"
Elliot put his hands on his hips and frowned, "Did I do something wrong?"
Instantly, her face softened and she stepped closer to him, "No. No Elliot you didn't do anything wrong. I just have stuff I need to do and-" She frowned and looked back at the kids, "If I have time this weekend I'll swing by and have dinner with you and the kids, okay?"
"Olivia...where are you going?" He asked again, and he saw her face flush, "Liv…"
She sighed again and shook her head, "I just...I need to start cleaning out my Mom's place. Her landlord wants to get a new tenant. I'm going over today to start sorting through stuff. It will take most of the weekend so-"
"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked in a concerned voice, "That's a lot of work...plus it's going to be difficult."
He could practically see the wall being built up again and wasn't surprised when she stepped away, "Elliot she was my Mother."
"I know that." Eliot said with a frown, "But packing up any apartment is a lot of work. You're going to need help. Can you just let me-"
"No." She said sternly as she stepped away, "No. I can't. Okay? I can't. I'm sorry and I appreciate you asking but I...I gotta go."
He felt his heart aching as she stepped away, pulling that much more away from him. He hated it. He didn't understand why she was so afraid of him. When he watched her climb into the elevator, he thought he saw her wipe away a tear from her eye and it took all his strength not to run after her. But deep down he knew it would only frustrate her more.
Bernie stepped up behind him and put a hand on his arm, "Everything okay?"
Elliot sighed and turned to his Mom, "Uh yeah...yeah everything is fine."
Bernie watched her son carefully. In the last year, she had seen Elliot become more and more attached to Olivia. She adored the girl. She had been a life saver since Kathy had left and was always so good with the kids and Elliot too. She was everything she could have wanted for her son. But she also knew...that for whatever reason, Olivia always kept him at an arm's length away.
"The kids are getting anxious…" She whispered softly to him.
"Right." He said turning, he gave her a small smile and pressed a quick kiss to her cheek, "Let me just grab my stuff."
Two hours later, Olivia was knee deep in boxes, clothes, furniture and half empty bottles of vodka. Her mind was reeling. Some of the bottles looked old and she wondered if they were leftovers from her childhood. She was no stranger to finding bottles. She never kept them in regular cabinets like most people. They were always hidden in dark corners, under the sink, under the mattress, the hamper, anywhere she thought Olivia wouldn't look. But she always found them…
She stood stone still in the middle of the kitchen and her head was spinning. It felt like she was being swallowed whole. Since she had moved out, she had spent very little time in this apartment. It brought up to many bad memories. She could tell a story about every room. Most of them traumatic. Leaning against the counter, she bumped into a bottle on the counter and it tipped over, rolling off the counter and smashed against the floor. She jumped and then the tears came hard and fast.
It was all too familiar…
After dinner, the kids convinced Elliot to take them to the arcade down the street. Bernie was playing a game with the twins and Kathleen and Elliot was sitting with Maureen up at one of the counters. She was sipping a milkshake with a forlorn look on her face.
Elliot leaned against the counter and nudged her with his shoulder, "Penny for your thoughts kid."
Maureen looked at her Dad and then shook her head, "I don't feel like talking."
Elliot sighed and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, "Come on Mo...you could always talk to me. What's changed?"
Maureen bit her lip and started to play with the straw in her cup, "I don't know."
Watching his oldest daughter, he thought about what Olivia had said that night in the kitchen. About how Maureen needed to talk about Kathy. He hadn't broached the subject yet but he had a feeling it was time. He hated to talk about his ex-wife. It only made him angry. But he knew he couldn't avoid it forever...Maureen was getting older and she clearly needed to talk about her Mother whether he wanted to or not.
"Maureen…" Slowly, she lifted her face and looked at home with tear filled eyes, "Is this about your Mom?"
He watched her shoulders slump and she pushed her cup away, "She's never coming back."
Elliot's heart ached and he shook his head, "I...I don't think she is. No."
Maureen nodded and looked at her siblings, "Kathleen still thinks she will. She wants her too."
Elliot followed her gaze and nodded, "She was only three when she left…"
"And I was only six." She said, shooting him a look, "But I hope I never see her again."
"Hey…" He reached for her and put a hand on her arm, "Maureen-"
"I don't." She said quickly, "Maybe I used too. In the beginning but she left us. She never even called. Never said goodbye. What did I do wrong?"
Elliot stood up quickly and turned her stool so she was facing him, "You did NOTHING wrong Maureen. Do you hear me? Nothing. Your Mom leaving wasn't about you. It...was my-"
Maureen shook her head, "Dad...it wasn't your fault either. She just didn't want us."
Standing up a little straighter, he wiped a tired hand over his face, "I will never understand why she left. I wish I could give you an answer. I really do...I want to fix this for you. For your siblings. I wish I could make it all go away but I can't. I'm trying to be the best Dad I can be but I know that I don't always get it right. That I'm not around enough and-"
"You have to work." Maureen said softly, "We know that. And you're always there when we need you the most."
Elliot swallowed hard and leaned into her, "I want you to know that...just because your Mom left. That's not me. I'm not going anywhere. Ever. Do you understand?"
Tears welled up in her eyes again and she didn't try to hide them, "Do you promise?"
Without hesitating, he pulled her close and kissed the top of her head, "You're stuck with me Mo. You couldn't get rid of me if you tried. I will always be here for you."
Maureen swallowed the lump in her throat and squeezed him, "I just...don't want us to be all alone."
"You won't be." He said squeezing her again, "I know sometimes when someone hurts you like your Mom did...that it's hard to trust people. But you, your sisters and Richie are everything to me. I love you all so much. More than you realize. There is nothing you could do to make me walk away."
Maureen pulled away and looked at him softly, "Dad...can I ask you something?"
He lifted one hand off her back and pushed her blonde hair out of her face, "Of course."
Her cheeks flushed and she sniffled, "Do you...do you like Olivia?"
Elliot stepped back slightly and didn't know how to answer, "Maureen...Olivia is my best friend. Sure...I like her."
She rolled her eyes and pulled away, "No I mean...ya know...like her like her…"
He couldn't help but smile at the innocence in her words, "Maureen…"
She smiled and pulled away, wiping at her tear stained face, "Because I think that maybe you do." He didn't respond so she pushed on, "And we like having her around...and I think maybe she likes spending time with us too."
Elliot sighed and sat down on the stool beside her again, "Of course she likes spending time with you guys. You're great kids."
"But we're not her kids." Maureen pointed out as she pulled at her straw again, "She doesn't have to show up for us. But she always does. Always."
"Well Olivia is...a very special person." He cringed when he heard his words and he saw Maureen laughing at him, "Mo…"
"A very special person…" She said with another giggle, "Yep. You must be in love."
His face instantly flushed and he leaned back in his stool, "How old are you again?"
"Old enough." She said with a shrug, "So why haven't you told her yet? I already told her that I wished she was my Mom."
Elliot's heart jumped in his chest, "What? When?"
Suddenly she felt like she had overstepped a boundary, her cheeks blushed and she looked down, "The night after her Mom's funeral. When she brought me up to bed."
Elliot was quiet as he thought through his words carefully, "Mo I know you care about Olivia. I know that she has been so great to all of us. I know she cares about you...but you can't say things like that."
She moved her hands away from the cup and laid them in her lap, "Why not? It's the truth...I do wish she was my Mom. She acts like it."
Reaching across the counter, he took her hand from her lap, "I know Olivia very well. And I know she would do anything for you. For your sisters and Richie too. But you just...you can't force something like that on someone. Make her feel…"
His words got stuck in his throat and Maureen frowned, "But she loves you too Dad."
Elliot frowned, "Maureen you don't know that. You can't just-"
"But Grandma said it too. She said it's in the way she looks at you. Like the way you look at her. Like she's…" She smiled softly, "The most amazing person. Like you want...to kiss her or whatever."
Elliot frowned, "I don't look at her…" He paused again and then laughed knowing she was probably right, "Do I look at her like that?"
"Yep. Just like all the Princes in the movies...when they see the Princess." She smiled and shrugged, "So why don't you just tell her?"
"Olivia is my best friend. We work together. She means a great deal to me. But...sometimes things are complicated I know that doesn't make sense to you right now but someday it will. But I need you to...understand that you just have to be careful of what you say. Okay? It can be...hard for people." He said softly, "Okay?"
Maureen looked down at the table, "Did I scare her away? Is that why she didn't come to dinner with us?"
"No…" He said reaching out to her, "No it wasn't you. Olivia's just...having a hard time right now."
"Because of her Mom?" Maureen asked, she saw her Dad nod, "She doesn't know her Dad…and she doesn't have any brothers or sisters?"
Elliot shook his head slowly, "No. She didn't know her Dad. And as far as I know she has no brothers or sisters."
Maureen looked at her siblings and sighed, "As much as they drive me crazy...I'm glad I have them. Especially now that Mom is gone. Makes it less lonely." She turned back to him and whispered, "Do you think Olivia is lonely?"
"I think...that Olivia has taken care of herself for a long time. And sometimes...that makes it hard to let people take care of you." He said softly.
"Where's her Dad?" She asked softly, "Did she ever even meet him?"
Elliot shook his head, knowing he wasn't about to explain Olivia's family history to his daughter for many reasons, "No. She didn't. And I doubt she ever will. Which is probably for the best."
Maureen frowned softly, "He didn't want her? Like mom didn't want us?"
"It's not...not the same kind of situation. It's complicated and it's not really my business to tell Mo. I'm sorry." He hoped that she understood.
Maureen nodded slowly, "Okay…" She paused again and then whispered, "Dad...I'm sorry if I-"
"It's okay." He said reaching out to squeeze her hand, "I want you to talk to me about anything. I know sometimes it's hard to talk to your parents...I remember. But if we're going to make this work...you need to come to me when you're upset. You don't need to be afraid to upset me. If you have questions...or need to talk about your Mom, it's okay."
Maureen smiled and nodded, "Okay…"
Elliot gave her a wink and squeezed her hand again, "I meant it kid...you're stuck with me."
Maureen smiled and went back to her milkshake, feeling grateful she had at least one parent who cared enough to stick around.
Another two hours passed, and Olivia was past the point of no return. She was alternating between hysteria and anger. She had told herself to make piles of things to keep and things to toss based on good and bad memories. So far they were all bad memories. She wanted to scream, she wanted to throw things. She wanted her Mom to be there so she could yell at her and yet hug her as tight as possible.
Glancing at the clock, she saw that it was close to 8:30 at night. She hadn't eaten a thing but she didn't think she could if she tried. Walking back to the kitchen, she reached for one of the half empty bottles and slid down onto the floor. She lifted the bottle to her lips, unscrewed the cap and was about to take a sip when her phone pinged.
She almost ignored it, but something told her to check it. So she put the bottle down on the floor and reached for her phone. Flipping it open, she saw Elliot's number and a picture of the four kids at the arcade popped up with the caption 'Kids wanted to say goodnight'The tears came back and she hung her head. She knew she was pushing Elliot away. It was what she always did. When she needed someone the most...she shoved them as far away as possible. She couldn't need someone. She couldn't rely on someone. If she did...they'd abandon her like everyone always did.
Sitting her among the bottles, surrounded by the terrible memories of her childhood she felt like she was being eaten alive by all the trauma she had tried to bury. Without thinking twice, she opened the phone and pressed it to her ear and waited, hoping she hadn't pushed him too far this time. When he answered, her body began to relax and she whispered, "I know I was a jerk earlier...and I know it's late. But I...I really can't do this right now. Can you just...can you come here? Please?"
Forty minutes later, Elliot pulled up in front of the apartment building that Olivia had sent the address too. It was an old building that had no buzz-in system. He climbed the stairs when he saw that the elevator was out of order and he found himself outside apartment 12C as instructed. He knocked on the door but there was no answer, so he reached out to try and turn the door knob and was surprised to see that it was unlocked.
Pushing it open, he walked into the dimly lit room and looked around the cluttered mess. It occurred to him for the first time that this was where Olivia had grown up. She had told him that her Mother still lived in the same apartment. He tried to imagine Olivia as a child living here. But he couldn't picture it...he'd never seen a picture of her younger than college. And from what he did know about her childhood...he didn't imagine she had much to feel happy about.
He heard a clanking sound from the kitchen and he followed it, "Liv?"
She looked up from her spot on the floor and sighed, "Hi."
Slowly, he lowered himself down to the floor beside her and mentally counted the bottles surrounding them. There had to be well over 30. None of them were full and he wondered if she had had anything to drink. As usual...she read his mind.
"I haven't had a drop." She said with a sigh, "Promise." She paused and then whispered, "I was going to but…"
Turning towards her he nudged her gently, "But what?"
"I saw the picture of your kids and I just…" Sowly, she pulled her legs up against her chest and rested her chin on her knees, "I don't want to be my Mother. No matter how easy it would be."
Leaning forward, he grabbed a bottle and lifted it up, "Drowning your sorrows is always easy at the moment. It's the next day that's the problem…"
"I'm sure there are more." She said softly, "I can't remember all her hiding spots. Why she bothered to hide them after I left...I don't know. Must have just been a habit."
Taking a chance, he glanced at her and saw the tears pooling in her eyes, "Liv…"
She laughed sadly and wiped her tears away, "I tried to sort things into piles."
Elliot looked back at the room and was confused, "You did?"
"Yeah...the good memories pile and the bad memories pile." She laughed again and reached up behind herself to grab the counter and pull up, "So far it's all the bad memory pile."
Elliot looked up at her as she started to reach for bottles and pour them down the sink, "Liv…"
"Every freaking day I spent here was like torture. It was either dead quiet while she was passed out. Or it was filled with her screaming at me for something. Anything. I never knew what it was going to be on any given day. And when I left...I avoided this place at all costs. And now I have to pack it up." A bottle slipped from her hand and as it shattered it cut her palm, "Damn it."
Elliot quickly stood up and looked around for a rag, "Come here…"
"I'm fine." She ran her hand under the water and saw that her hand was shaking, "I'm fine Elliot."
He reached out, took the towel and wrapped her hand up, "Doesn't look too deep…"
She sighed, turned the water off and leaned against the sink, "Thanks...I got it-"
"Liv." His voice sounded rough and she flinched, "Olivia look at me…"
She closed her eyes tight and shook her head, "I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like I'm drowning…I thought I was over all this bullshit. That I had let it go. That it didn't matter but it does. It always does."
Leaning forward, he put his hand on her shoulder, "Of course it does. What you went through as a kid Liv...no one would be okay. You can't keep it all bottled up inside. You need to let someone in. Let me in."
She shook her head and pushed him away again, "I can't."
"Yes. You can." He said as he walked her start to pace the room, "Liv you can trust me. You know you can."
She continued to pace and she held her bleeding hand to her chest, "No. I can't."
His heart ached for her, "Liv have I ever done anything that would make you think that you feel like you can't trust me? If I have...I'm sorry. But you can. You can. I want to help you but I can't if you keep pushing me away."
She stopped pacing and stared at him sadly, "People always leave. Always. Someday you will too."
"No I won't." He said softly as he stepped closer to her, he watched her step back, "Liv I'm not going anywhere."
She swallowed hard and looked down at her hand, she pulled it away and saw the bleeding that started to slow, "Did your...did your parents ever hit you?"
Elliot was surprised by her words, but not surprised that she had steered away from the conversation about trust, "My Dad was known to slap us around a bit...when he was angry. My Mom...tried to be more gentle. She had her moments...you know she's bipolar. But she was never usually violent. Not intentionally."
Olivia looked over to the side and squinted, "Somewhere behind that shelf...there's probably traces of my…" Her voice cracked and she shivered, "Blood. Hell if you had CSU they might find a lot of things that time hasn't been able to erase."
His heart started pounding in his chest, "Liv…"
"I don't even remember what that night was about...what set her off. I just remember she was screaming. And I was trying to get to my room. It was that one…" She pointed to the closed door, "But I kept stumbling and she grabbed me. I think I was nine….maybe ten. And she just started shaking me. And I didn't know what to do. And then she just shoved me as hard as she could and I fell...I hit my head on the coffee table and I fell back against the wall. And she just left me there. Everything went fuzzy...and I couldn't move. She watched me for a few minutes...and then she just got a bottle and went to her room. Sometimes I think she just hoped I'd die there…"
Elliot took two quick long strides across the room and pulled her into his arms. "Shhh…" He felt her trembling, felt the sobs wracking her body and he squeezed her tight, "I'm right here. It's all over. You aren't that girl anymore Olivia...you're not stuck here."
She shook her head and clung to him, "Part of me will always be stuck right here Elliot. No matter what I do...it's always going to be there. I just want it to stop hurting."
Gently, he pressed a kiss to the top of her head and rubbed her back, "I know. I know you do and I wish I could make it go away. But it's okay to just...let it out."
"I'm a cop." She mumbled into his chest, "I'm supposed to be the one who fixes the problems. Not the victim. How can I do my job if I can't fix myself?"
"Your experiences make you a good cop. Especially with what we deal with. You understand the victims on a level the rest of us never will. If you didn't care...that's when I would worry. But you are so much stronger than you realize Olivia. I wish I could make you see that." He whispered.
She pulled away and tried to laugh a little, "Really? If I was so strong...then why did I just completely break down in front of you for the second time in the last few weeks?"
Elliot reached out and brushed away her tears, "You never have to be embarrassed about breaking down in front of me Olivia. We're partners. We see so much shit...and sometimes it's all too much. You can't be put together all the time. Neither can I."
Licking her lips, she glanced up at him and she sighed, "I'm sorry for earlier. And I'm sorry that I've been...so standoffish. It's just hard. And I...I'm really sorry if I disappointed the kids. Maybe I'll bring them something tomorrow and-"
"You don't have to bring them anything." He said shaking his head, "They just love spending time with you Liv. They love you so much. We all want to be here for you. In any way you'll let us…" When she didn't respond he leaned down to try and meet her eyes and he whispered, "Tell me what to do…I'll do anything. Just name it. It's just me…"
The tears burned her eyes and she shook her head, "Can you just take me home? I can't do this...not tonight. Maybe not ever."
Looking around the cluttered apartment, he nodded and squeezed her arm, "Do you want to come to my house?" He saw her flinch but he pushed on, "You can sleep in my room. I'll crash on the couch."
"No." She shook her head adamantly and she saw him sigh, "El I appreciate it. But...no. I just...I want to go home."
"Well will you let me stay with you then?" He asked hopefully, "My Mom is with the kids anyway. I was on call tonight so she was going to stay."
She bit her lip and tried to find a reason to say no despite the fact she desperately wanted him to be with her, "Elliot…"
"I just really don't think you should be alone right now." He whispered to her, "Please just...for tonight will you let me take care of you? We'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow."
Reluctantly, she nodded slowly, "Yeah...yeah okay."
He let out a little relieved sigh and pulled her in for another hug, "Come on. Let's get out of here."
Back at her apartment, he had managed to get her to take a few bites of some leftovers in her fridge. He wanted to push her to eat more because it was obvious in the last few weeks she had dropped almost 10 pounds. She was never one to take care of herself but he could see the weight of her pain was slowly but surely crushing her soul and it broke his heart. He wanted to protect her, wanted to save her, wanted to love her.
But when he saw her curled up on the couch looking so broken, he knew she wasn't ready to let her guard down. Not even for him. He saw her shiver and he jumped into action.
Grabbing the blanket off the back of the couch, he placed it over her. The movement pulled her attention from whatever rerun they were watching. She offered a small smile and tugged the blanket up to her chin.
She looked so small, like his daughters after a tough day. Olivia had always been such a force. She still was. He never questioned her ability as a cop. She was fierce, brave, determined and strong as hell. She believed in finding justice and was always determined to do whatever it took to find it for the victims. He just wished she believed in finding justice and peace for herself
He saw her yawn and pull her legs up closer to her chest, "You know El...I'll be fine if you want to go home. The kids need you."
Reaching out, he gently touched her knee and whispered, "They are with my Mom. You need me more."
He saw the way her cheeks flushed and before he knew it, she was sitting up and the blanket slid from her shoulders, "Um...I've just...I've never…"
She was rambling and speaking so softly but he was trying to keep up, "You've never what Liv?"
The blush in her cheeks intensified and she looked over at her bedroom, "I think maybe I'll just try and sleep."
He wanted to scream in frustration, everytime she for close to opening up just a little she shut down completely. He wanted give Serena Benson a piece of his mind...but yelling at a dead woman wasn't going to help him fix Olivia now. He had to be patient...he had to get her to trust him somehow.
When she went to push herself off the bed he whispered to her and repeated, "You never what Liv…"
She froze in her spot and he saw her withdraw slightly, to the opposite end of the couch, "No one has ever slept in this apartment other than me."
He was confused at first, he knew she dated (though he hated to think about it). He also hated thinking of her taking another man to bed. Those were the thoughts that plaugued him at night though he pretended they didn't. The image of her giving herself to someone, letting them touch her so intimately sent waves of jealousy and pain straight to his soul.
In all his life, he had never wanted someone as bad as he wanted Olivia. He was dying to know what she looked like under her clothes, all that smoothe bronze skin. The curve of her hips, her breasts. He wanted to taste her, every inch of her. Thinking about any lucky son of a bitch who was able to see her so intimately made his skin crawl. She wasn't his. He knew that rationally. But it didn't stop him from feeling possessive. Thinking that any many would be dumb enough to leave a naked Olivia Benson in bed all alone was another matter in itself...
"I'm not sure I understand…" He knew he sounded stupid and that he had no right to ask about her sex life.
She cringed, stood up and shook her head to step away from him, "I've never let anyone stay here. With me. Ever."
Elliot watched her and saw she was looking anywhere but at him, "Not even-"
"No one. Not a friend. Not a boyfriend...or a casual date. No one." Her face flushed and she looked away again, "Maybe you should just-"
"Liv…" He stood up and walked towards her apprehensively, "If you don't feel comfortable, if it's too weird I'll go." She didn't answer, but she also didn't look at him, "But if you want me here...then I'm here. I'll sleep right on the couch. You'll still have your own personal space but I'll still be out here if you need me."
She bit her lip, tugged at the arms of her sweatshirt and sighed, "I just don't want you to feel like you-"
"I don't feel like anything. I just...I want to be here for you. That's all this is. Okay? No pressure. No expectations. Sometimes it's just hard to be alone. To much time to think. Too much quiet. Sometimes just knowing there is someone around...even in the other room is comforting." He saw her shoulders relax, "What do you think?"
He watched her reach up and run a hand through her brown locks, "I-I think that I would actually really like that. But...only if you're sure."
He smiled and let out a relieved breath, glad she wasn't going to kick him out. "I'm sure Liv. I'm totally sure."
Her eyes lifted to his and then looked down again, "It's not the most comfortable couch. You can take my bed if you want and I'll-"
"I've slept in worst places. The cribs. The squad car. The ground when I was in the marines. I'm good. I'll be fine." He assured her.
Nodding slowly, she turned to her room, "I'll get you another pillow and a better blanket. Do you...need anything else?"
Elliot shook his head, "I'll run down to my car. I always keep an overnight bag in there in case we need to crash at the precinct. I'll be right back."
She swallowed hard and nodded, "Here. Take my key."
He followed her to the foyer and when their hands brushed against each other, he heard her inhale sharply and he knew she felt it too. That warmth, the spark, the connection they had been trying to deny for so long. He saw her step back and he ached to pull her close again, but he had to take this one step at a time. Just letting him stay at her apartment was a good sign, he couldn't expect too much too soon.
"Be back in a minute." He said offering her a smile, he saw her falter for a moment and he wondered if she was trying to think of a new reason he shouldn't stay. Thankfully, she just gave him a little nod and walked towards her bedroom so he could go to his car.
Once she heard the apartment door close, she ran to her room and tried to calm herself down. This was uncharted territory. Not just for them as partners but for her in general. This was her personal space. She never let anyone stay because it felt too intimate, like they would see the cracks in her usually tough exterior. It had ruined more than a few relationships in the past, even friendships.
Frantically, she pulled out a pair of leggings and a plain gray sweatshirt. She froze when she realized that though it was her favorite, she couldn't wear it. It was Elliot's. She couldn't even remember when she had taken it. It wasn't unusual for him to lend her something comfortable after a long night at work but this one, she never returned. He could never know that on her loneliest nights she wrapped herself in it and pretended he was with her. She would die of embarrassment if he saw her in it. So she shoved it to the back of a tall shelf and grabbed an old NYPD sweatshirt of her own.
Then she ran to the bathroom, brushed her teeth and splashed some cold water on her face. When she looked up, she saw how tired she looked and she laughed. "Get it together Bebson. He's here as a friend. You look like shit anyway...he wouldn't ever want you."
The words trailed away on her tongue and she felt the familiar sting of tears in the back of her eyes. God she wanted him. More than she had ever wanted anyone. More than she should ever want someone. It was unnatural. The pull he had on her was so confusing. One look of those blue eyes and she melted. She'd walk through hell for him, for his children. She'd hurt anyone that hurt them. She'd give anything to crawl into bed with him at night and let him comfort her in every way possible.
But they were partners. They were best friends. He didn't want her. He couldn't possibly want her. She was a mess. A total and complete mess and he deserved so much more and so did his kids. After everything Kathy had put them through, they needed someone stable to support them. She didn't trust herself enough to be that person. Not completely anyway.
Besides, even if he was interested (and he couldn't be), they would lose their partnership. The thought alone sent a pang of grief straight to her soul. Their partnership was the only solid relationship in her life, the only thing she trusted and believed in. They made such a good team.
They were so in sync. She knew who they were then. Benson and Stabler. She never questioned his motives or choices and he had her back. There was no guessing, no uncertainty. It was all so easy and comfortable and God she needed that stability in her life. Without it, she didn't think she could survive.
No. There were too many reasons to keep him an arm's length away. It was safer. At least this way, she had her best friend. Anything else would put that in jeopardy and then...then she truly would be alone.
She was snapped out of her thoughts when she heard the apartment door open again. Quickly, she exited the bathroom and went to her room to grab a blanket and pillow. Walking back out to the living room, she saw him locking the door behind him. He offered her a small smile when he turned back to her and she tried to smile in return hoping he couldn't see just how nervous she was.
She heard him clear his throat and point towards the bathroom, "Can I?"
She nodded slowly, "Oh sure. There are towels under the sink and there is an extra toothbrush if you need one. I'll just...set up the couch for you."
He smiled and carried his duffel bag towards the bathroom, once again leaving her alone with her thoughts. When he returned, she was standing up, he saw her cheeks flush and he wished he had more than a wife beater and loose fitting sweatpants on. She had seen him shirtless before in the locker room, but she clearly was feeling out of her element.
"Um...is this enough blankets? I can turn the heat up too. Do you need some water? Or-" she was rambling again and as much as he wished she was comfortable, he also found it to be absolutely adorable.
"I'm good. I can get a drink later if I need one. I'll probably just watch some TV until I fall asleep. I usually do. Is that okay? I don't want to disturb you." He said honestly.
"No. Of course it's fine." She smiled sincerely, "Okay so...I will-"
He could feel the nervous energy radiating off of her and he knew she wasn't going to fall asleep anytime soon. "If you're not tired yet...you can hang out until you're ready."
He wondered if he had pushed too far again but then he saw her shoulders relax and she smiled, "Yeah...okay."
"Okay." He nodded once and they stepped awkwardly around each other to sit back in the spots they were sitting in before.
This time, he noticed she was sitting closer to him than before and his heart rate sped up. The pillow she left for him was under his hand and he rubbed the soft fabric with his fingers. He couldn't help but think of the fact that she lay her head on this pillow every night. And God, was he jealous of a pillow? He stifled a laugh and she gave him a curious look but he played it off as a cough.
Turning his attention back to the TV, he lifted an arm and draped it over the back of the couch. He wasn't touching her, but he saw her inhale sharply and he had to ask, "Is this okay?
She didn't say anything, but he saw her nod gently and settle back into the cushions. Their bodies weren't touching, but if either of them moved even an inch, they would be. He could feel the heat radiating off her body and it sent that familiar jolt of want through his body.
Not tonight Stabler. That's the last thing she needs. Another man just using her for her body when she is vulnerable.
So he stayed put, just hoping she understood he was here in whatever capacity she needed. And maybe...just maybe that would be enough. He let himself get wrapped up in the movie playing, he was sure he had seen it before but couldn't remember the title. He wasn't sure how much time had passed but suddenly, he felt a weight on his shoulder.
When he looked down, his breath caught in his throat. Olivia had fallen asleep, she had calmed down enough to succumb to the rest she so clearly needed. He wanted to believe it was his presence that had done the trick and maybe it was.
The feel of her against him felt so natural. The sweet smell of her shampoo that drove him crazy surrounded him fully. He wanted every night to be like this. He wanted to hold her on her bad days and the good ones too. God what he would give to make her see how important she was, how loved she was by him.
When she snuggled into his side, and her hand rested against his abdomen he knew he was a goner . Even if she never returned his feelings, his heart and soul belonged to Olivia Benson and there was no way that was ever going to change. He just hoped that she wouldn't bolt when she woke up...sadly he had a feeling she would.
But for now, he wrapped his arm tighter around her. Lifted his other hand and placed it over her arm on his stomach and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I love you Olivia." He whispered
And for now...this was enough.
Olivia woke slowly, she hadn't slept so soundly in as long as she could remember. It took her a moment to get her bearings. And when she did, she felt the solid form of muscle under her, the warmth against her skin, and the smell she knew so well. Freezing in her spot, she tried to remember what had happened.
She never let anyone spend the night. The last time she had slept in a bed with a man was college. Since then, she had pushed any and all potential romantic interests away. Romantic interests?
This was Elliot. Elliot Stabler. Her partner. Oh God...why had she fallen asleep? She knew it was because he made her feel safe. He always did. Being in his arms was everything she had imagined it would be and more. It felt like coming home and she didn't want to move away.
But old habits die hard, and carefully oh so carefully she extracted herself from his embrace though it killed her. They had ended up lying down, she was tucked into his side. He mumbled something, then turned his head and continued to sleep. She felt the sob threatening to erupt from her mouth from deep in her lungs. So she turned and walked into her bedroom and quietly shut the door behind her.
She stumbled towards her bed and collapsed on it, curling herself up into a ball. Her usual protective position and then the tears came. Hard and fast. She had to reach for a pillow to stifle the sound because she knew he would wake up if he heard her. And then he'd be beside her, pulling her to him again into that safety net but she couldn't handle it. Not when she knew it could never be permanent.
When she was calm enough to move again, she dragged herself to the top of the bed and climbed under the covers. Glancing at the clock through her watery eyes, she saw it was 4:47 am. She might as well try and sleep...though she knew she wouldn't be able too.
At least this way she could avoid Elliot seeing her fall apart.
When he woke up, the first thing he noticed was the lack of warmth and weight against him. He didn't need to open his eyes to know she had retreated back to her room. He would be lying if he said he didn't want to wake up holding her. He hoped in some ways it would keep her grounded. When he had felt sleep begin to overtake him, he had shifted them to a lying position and she snuggled further into him. He had instinctively wrapped both arms around her and held on tight not knowing if he would ever get this chance again.
But now he was alone again and she clearly had either been embarrassed or uncomfortable. Maybe both. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and picked up his phone. It was 8:03. He couldn't remember the last time he had slept that late.
Pulling himself off the couch, he stretched and glanced towards her bedroom. He heard no sign of movement. After puttering around her apartment for awhile and searching for something to eat, he decided he would pick them up coffee and bagels from her favorite spot down the street. So slipping on his shoes and grabbing his coat, he pocketed her keys and walked down the hall hoping to be back before she woke up.
Olivia rolled over and glanced at the clock again. She felt groggy, not rested like she had when she woke up in Elliot's arms. She groaned wondering if she would ever sleep well again.
Lying there quietly, she tried to listen for any sound of movement from the living room. But it sounded totally silent. She knew he had left the TV on and not hearing it now sent a wave of panic straight to her core. As worried as she was to cross those boundaries with him, the thought of him being gone hurt more. Scrambling off the bed, she tiptoed to her bedroom door and opened it.
The emptiness hit her like a brick wall.
He had left.
People always leave.
Just as the tears threatened to come again, she heard the jingling of keys in the lock. Her head snapped up and suddenly he was there.
He looked up and smiled that smile that made her knees tremble, "Morning."
She didn't seem able to find the words so she just stood there staring at him with wide eyes. He had a grocery bag in one hand and he balanced a tray in the other. Clearly her silence and her appearance worried him, and suddenly he was in front of her.
"Liv?" She just continued to stare at him, dumbfounded, as if he was an illusion.
And then he understood.
She thought he had left because in her world...people always did.
Leaning forward, he put the bag and coffees down. Then he walked all the way up to her and put one hand on her shoulder, then used the other to lift her chin. He saw her swallow hard, trying to hide the truth from him.
But he knew her better than that…
"I'm not going anywhere Benson. Not until you ask me too." The softness of her voice made her relax and he saw her nod once. But he knew that he had to take baby steps here, "Hungry?"
She nodded again and tugged at the sleeves of her sweatshirt. Seamlessly, they walked to the counter each carrying an item he had bought. They fell into a comfortable rhythm as they set to work getting prepped for breakfast.
When they began to eat, he chanced a glance at her. He knew she was still overwhelmed but she looked somewhat more relaxed.
"I promised the kids we would do a homemade pizza and movie night. I know they'd love you to join." He paused a moment then added, "So would I."
She looked up at him and smiled, "Sounds fun." She licked her finger that was covered in cream cheese and signed, "Although I can't avoid my Mom's place forever. It's my responsibility now."
Elliot swallowed his sip of coffee and nodded, "I know. But we don't have to do it today." He saw the hesitation in her face and he leaned closer to her, "How about today we just have some fun. Then tomorrow...we go back. We can see if there is anything you actually want to keep. Then we hire a company to get rid of the rest. They can donate it, toss it. Doesn't matter. But you don't have to do it yourself."
She fidgeted but nodded in agreement, "O-okay."
He smiled, reached out and squeezed her arm affectionately, "Okay. One day at a time Liv."
She blushed and reached for her coffee and once again wished that everyday could be like this. Little did she know, he was thinking the exact same thing.
I'm on break this week so hopefully I find some quiet time to write! I hope you're enjoying it! Like I said...this one will be a slow burn. But there will be a sequel. So stick with me :) Bensler forever!