The planet hadn't been much more than craters and rocks before the fight, but now it wasn't much more than craters and smoking craters. Centered in this, Lord Hater stood, his head rising and falling as he panted slowly, arms bowed to either side. We hold on this for a while to create suspense.
Then a close-up of his face, and into the frame slowly rises his right index finger and thumb, holding between them a green, rectangular gemstone. Simultaneously, Hater's expression turns to one of cruel satisfaction.
Directly to one side of where Hater stood, the shapeless dirt started to shift, and pushing out from underneath this rubble, Commander Peepers sat up. Holding one hand against the side of his eyeball head, he asked groggily, "What happened?"
Sounding uncharacteristically cool and composed, Hater answered in a gravelly tone, "I won."
Peepers' eyelids closed, his head drooped, his hand rose higher and formed a thumbs-up, and he groaned, "Goojob sir." The thumb folded, and with tiny fist pumps, he appended, "Hate's great . . . best villain . . ."
Then he shook his head to clear it and sprung to his feet. Squinting up at the gem in Hater's hand, he asked, "What's that?"
Grinning now with much more typical impishness, Hater held the gem diagonally in front of his right eye.
Peepers recoiled in horror. "Her eye?"
Hater spun his hands in a shrug and explained, "She sorta went—poof—and this was all that was left. I think she couldn't handle my awesomeness or something." He looked very convinced of this theory. With a flip of his thumb, he passed the gem to Peepers, who flailed his arms to catch it. "Go and, I dunno, put it on a cool crown for me to wear or something."
"Yes sir . . ." Peepers examined the gem closely, his enormous eye reflected within its depths.
Back aboard the ship, random Watchdogs clung to random sections of wall and hammered them with random tools as Hater strode down the halls, basking in his victory. All too soon, his strutting was interrupted by Peepers' return, bounding up behind him.
"Sir! Sir! I've analyzed this gemstone more closely, and it's incredible!"
"Incredible like me?" Hater injected smugly, touching his chest with one palm. Peepers rolled his eye.
"Yes, sir. It's basically an infinite power source. Like a battery that never runs out!"
"Hmm." Hater rubbed his chin. "I think the flashlight in my bedroom drawer needs a new battery."
"No, sir, you don't understand. This could power something really big! The whole ship, even!"
Hater suddenly snatched the gem from Peepers. "Something big, huh?" He hunched down and smirked maliciously, rubbing the stone. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Uh . . ." Peepers scratched his hat. "The—whole ship?"
"Nooooo . . ."
Peepers shrugged. "A weapon?"
"Yeeeeesss . . ." Hater's eyebrows hopped in place.
Giving up, Peepers asked flatly, "Which weapon did you have in mind, sir?"
"You knooowww . . ." Hater glanced dodgily from side to side. "The one we're not allowed to talk about?"
"Oh, right," said Peepers. "Because—" Their voices both took on mocking tones, and they did jazz hands together as they simultaneously said, "That name's already copyrighted!"
"Buuut," Hater went on, "if we can get it to wooork . . ."
Looking down and touching his chin pensively, Peepers attempted to continue, "We can . . . ?" Then, as he caught on, they spoke in unison again, this time enthusiastically: "Blow up all the copyright lawyers!" Peepers added a, "Brilliant, sir!" and Hater followed up by throwing out his arms and screaming, "I'm a legal genius!"
When he bent back over, Peepers took the gem from his hand and said, "I'll get to work on it right away!"
Hater merely stood, folded his arms behind his back, and smiled malevolently, walking into another close-up.
Once again, the Orbble was popped by a pointy rock.
"Uh," appraised Sylvia, surveying the newer, still-smoldering craters. Turning to Wander as he dismounted, she said, "You know that Emerald. Who d'ya think won between her and Hater?"
Before he could answer, there came a very familiar, very sarcastic, "Hmmmmmm, I wonder?"
Hater stepped out from behind a boulder near his crashed ship and leaned casually against it. Sylvia snorted and rolled her eyes.
Wander sported an expression of grim determination, pulled his hat down to emphasize his furrowed brow, took in a deep breath, and then smiled and waved enthusiastically at Hater, saying, "Hey best bud!"
Strangely, this produced no outburst on Hater's part. Instead, he maintained his slimy tone and responded, "Yeeees, best bud. You know, we've been best buds for so long, I thought I'd get you a little gift."
He stood up and walked backwards away from the rock, holding his arms back toward it presentationally. Slowly, an object emerged from behind the rock, scraping against the dirt ground as it moved.
It was basically just a huge, boxy, purple cannon with some of Hater's typical stylization, but along the side, sliding into view as it came, was written the moniker 'MEGADOOMER!' As the gun fully emerged, it was revealed that it was simply being pushed into place by the diminutive, struggling form of Commander Peepers. When done, he wiped his eyeball's forehead and exhaled.
Hater then grabbed the two handles on the rear of the weapon and easily lifted the whole thing, repositioning it to aim at Wander and Sylvia. As he pulled the triggers on both handles, a green jewel on top of the machine started to glow, catching Wander's attention and making him gasp.
"It's Emerlad!" he explained. "They've got her gem! We've gotta help 'er—they don't know what they're doing!"
The inside of the cannon barrel had also begun to glow, and Sylvia replied, "Let's help ourselves not be dead first!" She tugged Wander's arm to pull him back onto her saddle and stood on her toes, watching the Megadoomer for her cue to bolt.
From Hater's end, the targeting screen formed digital triangles around Sylvia, which circled her, pointing inward, and flashed red. The words 'LOCKED ON' blinked above them.
Logic notwithstanding, the plainly round gun barrel produced a beam of light whose tip was shaped like a skull, therefore resembling Hater's face. Sylvia flipped to the side and the pure white blast tore past her, searing the air but leaving her and Wander unscathed.
"Ha!" she barked. "So much for your new toy, Hater boy!"
Hater, however, smirked and pointed behind her with one gloved finger.
She turned to look backwards.
The white-hot streak of light curved in midair, its skull front facing toward her again, and let off steam from its nostrils, producing the sound of a train whistle.
"Oh grob," she swore, and took off at a sprint.
Hater held his chest through fits of maniacal laughter as the light beam chased Sylvia this way and that. It slowly gained on her whenever she just went straight, so she tried to throw it off with multiple sharp turns, but it seemed to learn the trick and started making them more swiftly.
Hater eventually collapsed onto his back and kicked his legs in the air, guffawing. Sitting up from this, he wiped a tear from below one eye—just in time to see Sylvia charging right at him.
He managed only to stand up before she sped through, causing him to spin on his heel, which left him dizzy. He shook his head to clear it and saw the skull laser approaching.
And grinned wickedly.
Just before striking him, the beam, of its own accord, shot straight upward and arced over his head, straightening back out before it could hit the ground and resuming its pursuit of Sylvia.
She had stopped, assuming she'd won, and had to scamper off again, but this had cost her most of her lead, and she had to lift her tail up high to prevent it from being burnt by the beam's skull.
Another boulder was rushing toward her as she ran, and with no time to swerve around, she hopped into the air and kicked off of it instead, bouncing over the beam. The skull head-butted the rock, shattering it, and did a quick loop-de-loop, bearing down on her once more.
Sylvia made to keep fleeing—but one tiny piece of the broken rock landed beneath her foot, and she found herself and Wander tumbling backwards, until both of their backs slammed into a crevice in yet another rock formation.
"Grob!" she repeated. "We're cornered! Oh, this might be the end, pal!"
The Megadoomer blast rushing down upon them, Wander jumped up and threw his arms apart, the motion parting his fur to show his gem, which glowed lightly, and a green, translucent, heart-shaped bubble formed out of nowhere around him and Sylvia. The beam struck the bubble, and immediately it began to crack at the impact point, the damage spreading fast.
Wander's arms wobbled as beads of sweat rolled down his face. Locking his eyes with Sylvia's, he said with vocal strain, "Haven't done this in a while . . ." The light in his gem was intermittently dimming. "I don't—think I can hold it . . ."
The harsh lights and noises surrounding them seemed to dull as the two friends looked at each other for what could be the last time.
"Sorry for gettin' ya into this mess, Syl . . ." said Wander. "Y'know, I try to help everyone, but . . ." He smirked guiltily. "Maybe I shoulda helped you stay outta trouble more."
Sylvia gave him a soft smile. "Hey, buddy, you taught me how ta get inta the good kinda trouble. And right now—" She navigated his T-pose to give him one final hug. "Ain't no place I'd rather be."
From the middle of the hug, a new light started shining—and the bubble popped.
Anyone in orbit at that point would have seen a skull-shaped mushroom cloud nearly as large as the planet itself.
On the planet's surface, Peepers walked up next to Hater, and stood slack, staring at the explosion. Dully, he said, "I . . . don't believe it." He blinked, and then cried, "You finally destroyed them!" His tone was equal parts confused and impressed; elated and mournful.
Hater's face was scrunched up, his mouth an emotionless line, as he squinted into the smoke, not willing to believe it himself until he saw it.
The first thing that became visible was a brightly gleaming set of teeth, smiling joyously, if with a slight edge of cockiness. The next impression that Hater got was of a flag billowing in the wind, but as the smoke started to clear and the silhouette sharpened, it became apparent that this was not a sheet of cloth, but a long mane of orange hair flowing from along the figure's Zbornak-like neck. Atop the neck, above the grinning snout (which featured Wander's three tiny chin hairs), Wander's hat hid the figure's eyes, being held down by one of their hands. The other hand strummed at Wander's banjo, which was being supported by what looked like one of Sylvia's feet. The other three feet, the rear two clad in Wander's socks and sneakers, were planted firmly on the ground, making the figure look even more equine than Sylvia, as did the stream of orange hair at the end of their Sylvian tail. As the banjo shifted, Wander's green Spinel gem became visible on their chest; Sylvia's reins were present, but now instead of being wrapped around the nose appeared to be sprouting out of the gem, in turn creating the impression that the heart-shaped stone hung on a necklace. Lastly, the pink blanket on which Sylvia's saddle normally rested now had the color and texture of Wander's fur.
In a voice that was recognizably halfway between Wander's and Sylvia's, the figure said coolly, "Heigh-ho Sylver . . ." Then they swept off Wander's hat, revealing not two but four eyes on their face—and while the hat waved, two tongues flailed from their mouth as they made the silliest expression possible and whinnied, "AWAAAAAY!"
Back by the Megadoomer, Peepers' one eye stared blankly at this development, and he intoned, "Oh—my—grob." Then Hater picked him up and held him next to his face, his other arm trembling as it pointed and he protested, "It's everything I ever hated in one!" He then dropped Peepers again and they both screamed as they saw the new figure galloping toward them on four feet.
The fusion raised their banjo overhead while running and, upon arrival, swung it down at Peepers like a mallet, and he yelped and flinched.
But the banjo had stopped short an inch before striking him, leaving him completely unharmed. Just as he was able to process this and look up, the fusion fell backwards into a riotous laugh, and one of their four flailing feet incidentally kicked Peepers so hard that he flew over the Megadoomer, the ship, and the horizon, shrieking all the way.
Hater watched him sail off with shock, then turned back only to find the fusion gone—and then to have his shoulder tapped, revealing them to be standing right next to him on the other side.
"That's a good one," they said, gesturing toward where Peepers had been flung. "But seriously, I'm gonna need that Emerald back."
They pointed at where the gem sat atop the Megadoomer, causing Hater to scramble over to the cannon and attempt to take aim with it again. But once more, the fusion had vanished from their previous position, and their four-eyed face briskly slid down into view directly in front of the targeting screen. Hater glared at them and growled, pulling the triggers to charge up despite them being behind the barrel, but they plucked the green jewel from its slot and the machine powered down, its metal nose slumping like an elephant's trunk.
Standing atop the now-useless weapon, the fusion spun off their hat, dropped the gem inside, and fitted it back on their head. Glancing sideways down at Hater, they gave him a finger pistol with the accompanying "click-click" noise.
Hater threw his own hand forward and blasted green lightning through the Megadoomer's targeting screen. When he lowered his arm again, nothing could be seen through the jagged hole in the glass.
"You really need to work on that aim of yours, big guy," came the combined voice from behind him. He spun around and fired again, but somehow they ducked under it and slipped over to his left. "Here," they continued, "let's try a little target practice!"
They held their hands in front of the heart-shaped gem on their chest, which started glowing. As they spread their arms out, the gem projected a series of translucent, green circles, which created a target symbol in front of them. Hater wasted no time trying to zap it, but no matter what he did, they always somehow moved out of the way, even when it made no sense.
And they started laughing at him.
His rage built to a boiling point, and with a cry of pure frustration, Hater thrust both arms into the air and blasted his lightning together to create his green forcefield, which he then expanded in all directions.
"Dodge this!" he challenged.
"Ooh, ooh!" they replied excitedly. "Shield fight!" And they mimicked his pose, causing their target construct to fully encircle them and then grow rapidly.
The two green bubbles met and pushed against each other like sumo wrestlers' bellies, only producing a fireworks show of green sparks with each rippling hit.
Hater poured all his energy into his contender, and it seemed to be winning. But then he felt a pressure on his side, and he looked down and there they were, inside his shield and leaning casually against him. What's more, they raised a hand and tickled his armpit, causing him to splutter out a laugh when he really wasn't feeling it, and his shield to sputter out around them.
They laughed along with him, which incensed him even further. Before he could retaliate, they gave him what looked like a chummy slug on the arm, but it struck so hard that the entire center of his body stretched out away from the impact before snapping back, which hurt even more.
The fusion put two hands and a foot over their mouth and said genuinely, "Oh, I am so sorry! Here, lemme help you with that!" They then pushed one hand inside of their glowing gem, fished around a bit, and pulled from it a length of white bandaging, which they proceeded to wrap around Hater. Around and around, until he could hardly move. They pulled the wrapping tight, squeezing the breath out of him and causing his eyes to bulge, before prancing away with more laughter.
Hater's face turned red, his cocoon shook, and he exploded out of it, firing green lightning every which way indiscriminately, and shouting, "WANDER! SYLVIA!" His brow furrowed as he continued, "WYLVIA?! SAUNDER!?"
They were leaning against his side again when they corrected, "The name's Sylver, bucko."
Hater wagged his finger at them as he opined furiously, "That's stupid; you're not even silver!"
Ducking out of the frame and popping up on the other side, they responded with a poke to his back, "Well, you're not even a hater!"
"YES I AM!"
"Huh . . ." they scratched their chin. "You're right. I am stupid!" With that, they lifted up their hat and pulled it back down over their head, and it took on the conical shape of a dunce cap. Pointing their four eyes each in different directions, they stood up straight on their hind two legs and ran their finger up and down over their lips, producing a blubbering sound.
Inexplicably, as this ramped up in speed, smoke began leaking from underneath their shoes, and the roar of a rocket engine accompanied it. Propelled by two jets of flame, they took off straight up into the air—and as Hater watched in bewilderment, their tail whipped out and encircled him, dragging him up along behind them.
The two of them spiraled high into the sky at immense speed, and then suddenly stopped dead, Hater rising to Sylver's eye level as their tail whipped up with the recoil. Sylver's feet made puttering noises and coughed out their last puffs of smog, and there was silence, but for the flapping of a tiny, strange, bird-like creature that passed by in the background, looking thoroughly unimpressed with their presence. Sylver smiled at Hater, who looked nervously down at the ground, miles and miles below.
Then Sylver's many limbs flailed out as they executed a twirl, and when all was said and done, they had pulled from their gem what appeared to be a parachute and strapped it to Hater's back, while simultaneously drawing the Orbble Juice from their hat and blowing one around themselves. Having seen the show, gravity went back to work, and Hater plummeted while the Orbble kept Sylver aloft.
With nothing else to do, Hater fumbled for the parachute cord and yanked it. Out of the backpack popped an object that was definitely not a parachute, which somehow defied all physics to land directly in his hands.
It looked like a bundle of red tubes connected via curly wires to an analog clock, which despite the rushing wind was ticking audibly.
Hater screamed and tossed the bomb away, but its chunky, not-at-all-aerodynamic shape didn't prevent it from spinning like a boomerang and returning neatly into his grasp. The alarm on the clock rang, and he averted his face.
Instead of exploding, though, the would-be dynamite pile opened up two little doors on top of it, revealing a hollow interior out of which sprouted two metal sticks holding up little plushies, one of Hater and the other Sylver. Just when Hater opened one eye to see this, the sticks leaned together, causing the plushies to hug.
Hater's face fell into an expression unamused resignation.
The bomb then rumbled, and did in fact explode, but not into flames—rather, it expelled downward a truly oceanic quantity of what could only have been clippings of Wander's fur. Hater plopped into this fluffy nightmare unharmed from the fall, but immediately started making spitting noises and whining things like "Eww!" and "Gross!"
From the distance into which the sea of hair stretched, the voice of Commander Peepers objected, "It's in my eye!"
Laughing yet again from within their Orbble, Sylver took off their hat to perform a bow, called down, "Later, Hater!" and sauntered off into space.