Llewellyn had rejected him. Somehow, Jack couldn't believe their roles had been reversed. His head still spun from their conversation by the streetlamp. Every dream he had was dismissed, every plea ignored. The worst of it was knowing he was the one to blame for turning that sweet man so into someone so hurt and cynical. He fled to the one refuge he had left, the one most grown men would never consider taking. He went home to his mother.

Mother took him into the parlor. Father didn't come down to see him, which was the way it had always been ever since his parents realized he was a homosexual. It seemed there were some things even an impending marriage couldn't change. Mother, on the other hand, never turned him away no matter what the circumstances.

"Clara isn't with you?" His mother asked. She seemed surprised, and with good reason. Jack had started involving Clara in his weekly visits home in order to assure Mother that neither of them had fallen to harm.

"Clara likes to spend her time volunteering at the church. I'm not sure if she's trying to get into their good books, or if she's just avoiding me." Jack told her.

Mother raised her eyebrows. "Awfully late for church, don't you think?"

Jack only shrugged. He didn't care if that's where Clara really went or not. "The later we stay out, the less time we have to stay in together."

His mother sat quietly and waited for him to continue.

"We're struggling." Jack confessed, and then amended, "I'm struggling. I didn't think it would be easy, but I never realized it would be even harder than being alone."

He went on, "I can't even go out for a drink with some friends, because all my friends are homosexuals. I didn't just lose a boyfriend, I lost an entire community. I'm scared to make any new friends, because I can't be sure who's going to turn out to be a bigot. It would mean trying to figure who's watching, and judging, all over again. I just want out of this, I want to call off the wedding and go back to the life I had before."

"Darling, I love you no matter what you choose. I just want you to be happy, but I worry so. What's going to happen to you if you don't go through with this? I couldn't bear it if you were arrested again." His mother looked so frail. A lifetime of worrying over him had worn her out.

Jack felt a twinge of guilt over what he next had to say. "I've asked him to see me again." He didn't need to clarify who he meant. He'd told her about Llewellyn a long time ago.

"You look sad, Dear," His mother clasped his hand gently between hers.

"He refused. He wouldn't even have a drink with me. I made a terrible mistake pushing him away." He cleared his throat, trying not to choke on pent up emotions.

"I'm sorry it turned out that way, but perhaps it's for the best. Shouldn't we leave well enough alone?" Even now, Mother was anxious over what he might do.

What in his life was well enough? He'd made all the wrong choices to lead himself to this point. Jack knew his mother loved him, but sometimes he would prefer if she simply understood him.

XXXXXXXXXX

On his wedding day he woke to a mix of joy and despair. Joy filled him because Llewellyn had come around and showed he still loved him. The night they spent together was the one bright spark in this whole debacle. Jack was even glad Clara had walked in on them, if only for it saving him the trouble of trying to keep secrets from her.

He despaired because he was really getting married, despite his trying to wriggle out. She couldn't force him. He could refuse to come to the church, or reject her at the altar. He could get on a train right now, and never look back. Deep down, he knew that he wouldn't. He couldn't bring himself to leave, not without Llewellyn at his side. This man had rebuked him for even considering breaking Clara's heart, but it wasn't her heart, nor even her disgrace, that compelled him to go ahead with it now. Simply knowing that Llewellyn would be disappointed in him if he turned tail was all that motivated him.

He worried for all their futures. Clara's child would soon come into to the world. He didn't resent it life, but he had begun to dread its presence. All too soon it would become another person to lie to, another set of eyes to avoid. How would they keep pretending to be a happy couple once they had someone in their home watching them? What kind of upbringing would the child have, with a liar for a mother and an adulterer for a father?

"I'm not the father. I wasn't the one who put her in this situation." He railed in his mind. It did no good. He may not have gotten her into trouble, but he'd agreed to get her out, just as she'd agreed to get him out of his. If he was to stay in Toronto, then he would continue to need her help. Staying here gave him one reason to hope for the days ahead. He was confident Llewellyn still longed for him in return; surely he'd find a way to get close to him again. Jack would let himself feel happy for the possibility of seeing him, and not guilty for running around on his family. First, he had to get through his wedding day. All his other problems would come soon enough.

XXXXXXXXXX

It was the perfect weather for them. Rain pelted down, driving decent people indoors and drowning the voices of those who didn't want to be over-heard. Jack huddled shivering as he waited. He'd learned years ago to endure to sort of places and weather other people avoided in order to find privacy. A shape loomed around the corner. The hunched posture and hesitant steps made his heart ache with their familiarity. It had been agony waiting days for this moment when they could finally meet alone. Jack stepped out eagerly, hauling the other man down the street with him, heedless of the rain dripping off the brim of his hat.

"I'm glad you came." Jack told him. He tried to pull Llewellyn close, but the other man tensed and took a step back.

"How was the wedding?" Llewellyn asked, his normally sweet expression hardened by a frown.

"It was... beautiful, and awful. A part of me kept hoping to see you there." Jack forced himself to leave his hands hanging at his sides, rather than reaching out to stroke the frown lines from that beautiful face.

"I thought it best if I wasn't around." Llewellyn wouldn't even meet his gaze.

"Agreeing to marry Clara was a mistake. I did it out of fear, and cowardice, and now I wish I could take it all back. I just want everything to be the way it was a year ago." Jack told him.

Llewellyn shook his head. "It isn't a year ago, and wishing will not make it so."

"I wish I was married to you instead," Jack pressed a gentle kiss against his lips, and this time Llewellyn didn't resist him. He leaned in, gripping the back of Llewellyn's head, pulling him closer for a deeper kiss.

"No," Llewellyn pulled away abruptly. "No, you're with someone else now."

"I only want to be with you. I was wrong to try to end things between us. You mean more to me than I was ready to admit. Isn't there a way we could be with each other again?" Jack clung to that hope the way he longed to cling to his lover.

"You still want to be with me? Even after making your vows? You mean, have an affair?" Llewellyn looked at him from under furrowed brows.

Jack almost denied the accusation, but in truth he didn't really care if he betrayed Clara. They had only ever wanted each other as a means to an end.

"We haven't consummated our vows. We couldn't go through with it, neither of us could." Jack smiled, strangely elated by his and Clara's failing. It was one less act they had to fake, one more sign of his devotion to the man before him.

Llewellyn sighed. "I really believed I could stop making myself vulnerable. I thought I'd found a solution to my problems, yet here I am again. I loathe myself for even thinking this, and even more for asking, but would you be willing to cheat on your wife? With me, that is."

"Yes, oh God, yes." Jack grabbed Llewellyn's jacket front and hauled him close for a kiss.

At last, Llewellyn started to kiss him back. Jack clung to him tightly, wrapping both arms around him and slowly running his hands down his back to grip his bottom.

Llewellyn stopped nervously. "We can't go to my place,"

"My place, then," Jack wouldn't let this opportunity slip.

"But, Clara..." Llewellyn looked at him uncertainly.

"She goes out this evening, but we'll have to be quick," Jack promised.

"In that case, what are we waiting for?" Llewellyn grinned and darted off ahead of him, glancing over his shoulder to see if he was coming.

Jack followed readily. This was the wedding night he really wanted.

XXXXXXXXXX

Jack hardly shut the door before he dragged Llewellyn close again. He clutched at him, silently pleading for forgiveness with hands and lips. This time Llewellyn relaxed into his tight grasp and gentle kisses. Jack stroked up his arms, slowly letting himself believe this wouldn't all come crashing down around them.

Holding another man was the only time he felt truly at peace. This alone uncoiled the tension in his spine and the constriction in his heart. With Llewellyn it was more than just a comfort, it was like finding the person he was meant to be, unburdened of the fears he always carried. Together they formed a circuit of mutual acceptance and understanding. He hoped to never break that circuit again.

Part of him wanted to stay like this for the rest of his life, but his body hungered as much as his heart. Jack leaned back just enough to say "I want to go all the way this time."

Llewellyn looked at him a long time, dark eyes shining a mix of yearning and trepidation, before he finally nodded.

Letting go to remove their clothes was sweet agony. Llewellyn was one of the rare people he could disrobe in front of without feeling exposed. Every time he did so he remembered how uncomfortable Llewellyn had become when he discovered Owen's private pictures. When Jack had asked about it, he'd answered "For me, it's who I see, not what I see." Those words made being with him something special. With Llewellyn, getting naked was as much about trust as it was about sex.

They both undressed fully, leaving nothing between them as they lay on the bed. Despite the need to hurry, Jack moved over him slowly. He wanted to kiss every bit of Llewellyn's skin. This was the man he'd almost lost. He'd hurt him, and driven him away, and now was the time to make up for all that pain. Soon Llewellyn rolled over on his belly, and Jack lay beside him. He laced his fingers through Llewellyn's, his palm pressed against the other man's knuckles. With his free hand he massaged his lover's anus until he'd loosened enough for fingers to glide in. Gradually he coaxed low moans forth. Drawing out his fingers, Jack positioned himself and gently rocked his hips, letting that tight space welcome him inside.

This was right. No book, or cruel pastor, or scornful father could convince him otherwise. This should have been their wedding bed, not the bed of two strangers forced together by the judgement of society. He thrust a little deeper, chasing the sense of belonging only a man could offer. Even now it stung knowing the people in his life would deny him love, and still have the nerve to call themselves the decent ones. Llewellyn accepted his pace readily, letting their bodies meld to share pleasure with one another. It built into ecstasy, until they were both sighing in release. Though his mind begged to let his guard down, he still had to keep one ear turned toward the door. It was just one of many costs that came with the life he led. Jack pulled free and lay down, cradling Llewellyn in his arms.

Llewellyn's contented smile turned sad. "I should go. I don't think I'd enjoy a repeat of what happened last time."

His lover snuck out, and he couldn't follow. That quickly fear wormed back into his heart, trying to stamp out love once again. Why couldn't he let himself spend one night without that demon on his back? He'd already capitulated enough to marry a woman, surely that was enough self-defeat for anyone.

XXXXXXXXXX

Clara walked in the apartment minutes after Llewellyn left.

"I suppose you'll want me to change the bedding for you," She said tartly.

"I know how this looks," Jack started, but Clara interrupted.

"How it looks? How do you think it looks when I have to stand outside in the hall waiting for my husband's playmate to sneak out?"

"I didn't know you were out there," Jack didn't get a chance to finish this time either.

Clara plowed over his protests. "It was easy enough to know you were both in here. What were you thinking, bringing your filth back here again for everyone to see? Are you even trying to be discrete?"

"I know you're angry, but I had to bring him here. His landlord watches even more closely than ours, we had nowhere else to go." Jack broke in before she could insult him even more. He may well have not spoken for all the good it did.

"So instead of keeping your pants on you thought it best to bring him into our bed? Or do you not think at all? You're just too absorbed in your lust and perversion to consider the consequences." Clara kept on.

Jack recoiled a little. "I am in love with him. I realize that's hard for you to understand, but I ask that you at least not diminish my feelings."

"Of course. What would I know about love?" Clara said. That quickly the anger went out of her, leaving her defeated.

"I'm so sorry Clara, I never meant to hurt you," Jack spoke carefully, wary of setting her off again.

"Hurt me? You didn't even wait for us to marry before you started cheating on me," Clara complained bitterly. "Now, only days later you're doing it again, and you're not even trying to hide it from me."

Jack raised his hands pleadingly. "You deserve to be loved, and I wish I could give that to you, but I was already in love with him long before we met."

Clara scoffed. "That's the whole reason why you married, if you haven't forgotten. All you have to do is put on an act when there are people watching. Why is that so hard for you?"

"I'm sorry that lying doesn't come as naturally to me as it does for you," Jack let his tone go cold. It seemed no matter what either of them said they still managed to offend each other. He didn't feel like trying to get along at this point.

"Your whole life you've been lying about what you are. Why are you making things hard now? I am trying to protect you, I really am, but you have to do your part to me as well. I don't know what's going to happen if you go to prison." Clara sat down trembling, first clutching her stomach, and then putting her head in her hands.

Jack almost wanted to argue more, but it always came back to that same point. He'd willingly put himself in this position, and he'd only done it to help himself. He hadn't thought about Llewellyn, or even Clara. Now he was hurting them by loving as much as he had hurt himself by hiding, and it was no one's fault but his own.