AN – THANK YOU for all the reviews! To the guest reviewer – thank you. I'm going to be focusing on this story for now but I'm still writing to other one when I get an idea for it. Sorry for the slow update.

This took me a while to be able to write this. I'm not 100% happy with this chapter as I feel there are some flow issues and couldn't get some emotions across to the audience the way I wanted to. I wanted to get this up last weekend. I wanted the first part to be quick and get into the chat real quickly but it didn't turn out that way. I struggled so much getting this started that I just kept writing until I felt like it was time for the chat. So I apologise for the lengthy chapter.

There is an author note in the middle with a trigger warning so please don't read that section (DPOV), it wont disrupt the story if you miss it. Its only so you can get to see Dimitris feelings as well and understand them. I don't want to upset anyone.

DISCLAIMER – VA and its characters and plot belong to Richelle Mead. I'm just changing some things.

Chapter 3 – The Talk

RPOV

I woke to bright fluorescent lights shinning above me. Squinting around the room I realised I was in the infirmary. Again. This is getting beyond a joke, how many more times will I be in here? I turned my head slightly and saw Dimitri sitting next to my bed.

I groaned and tried to sit up but was quickly pushed back down once Dimitri noticed I was awake. ''No, you need to relax. You lost a lot of blood and need fluids and rest.''. As he said this he looked above my head. I followed his eye line and groaned noticing the bag of fluids hanging above my head and then looking down to see a cannula in my arm.

''Ugh, I hate needles.'' I muttered.

''Actually it's not a needle, just the plastic tube is left in, the needle is removed.'' I rolled my eyes at that. What a Dimitri thing to say.

''Alright, no need to be a smart ass.'' He shook his head in disapproval. I laughed at his reaction while rolling my eyes.

I eyed him carefully to gauge his reaction. He still had that same guilt in his eyes but I could also see concern, worry and a little bit of anger. ''Comrade, I'm ok.'' I said as I gave him a tentative smile. I knew he would be mad at me. I disobeyed him, but I was also happy that I saw concern and worry in those beautiful brown eye. Did that mean he felt the same as me? I hoped so. He replied with a small sad smile while staring at my shoulder which was wrapped in bandages. I reached for his hand but he quickly pulled away, sitting back on his chair out of my reach. I grimaced in response feeling my hope die down a little.

Dimitri learned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs. ''Rose, We need to talk.'' He said, voice hard. No shit we needed to talk. I rolled my eyes but let him continue. ''What was you thinking back there? I told you to STAY. IN. THE. CAR…'' His voice started to raise with each word. ''..You disobeyed that direct order. Which ended with you putting not one but two Moroi in danger and fighting psi-hounds. ALONE.'' He took a deep breath, while closing his eyes. I might have been wrong before, he was very anger at me. When he opened them he was staring at me with a fire in his eye. Waiting for my response.

I stared right back. Shocked. I was not expecting this conversation. I thought the more pressing conversation would be about what happened earlier in the night. We'd had sex for crying out loud, surely that's more important than me disobeying a direct order. Was he just going to ignore that? Maybe I was just a quick fix for him? I decided to say as much. ''Not what I was expecting, thought we had a different conversation to have but ok.'' I muttered, I saw Dimitri tense, so I continued. ''I knew Lissa had gotten out. I'd told you as much. Then once you had left I saw the psi-hounds. I knew how to get to her quicker than anyone. I thought I'd at least run into Matthews on the way and be able to warn her too. I never thought I'd get there first. She was so scared. I had to help her. It's my job.''

At this Dimitri stood up, towering over me but still out of my reach. ''No Rose, like I said in the car. Your job was done. It was up to us. The psi-hounds wouldn't of attacked her. She was in no danger.'' He ran his fingers through his hair, exasperated. ''and taking a Moroi into that situation with you was idiotic. If you'd left Christian where he was none of this would of happened.''

''Comrade, you try telling a man to stay behind when the women he loves is in danger. That would never of worked. Would you off done that? If someone you loved was in danger. Would you just stand back and watch from the side lines and do nothing?'' I stared at him, challenging him to fight me on this. I knew he wouldn't. I knew the type of man he was. I knew he would fight for someone he loved, and for a split second I let myself hope he would do that for me. That he loved me, while staring into his beautiful brown eyes I noticed a shift, the anger morphed back into guilt, and another emotion I couldn't quite read. I quickly added ''If it was a member of your family say?''

''Your right I wouldn't. But I am trained to fight. Christian isn't.''

''He did a pretty good job at lighting one of them fuckers up''

He sighed. ''Which ended with him getting jumped on and mauled nearly to death. If he wasn't there you wouldn't of needed to let the princess feed on you.'' He stepped forward at this, towering even more over me. He was getting angry, again, even more so than before, as he continued.''What you did was reckless, you'd lost a lot of blood from the wound on your shoulder and yet you still let her feed on you when we were so far away from anywhere that could help us. You put yourself and the princess in danger.'' If I didn't know any better, he appeared more frustrated than angry right now.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't think of it like that. His last sentence struck me the most. I didn't think at the time but now he said it, it all made sense. I'd already lost blood from the wound and I lost more. I could have been killed, Lissa could of killed me which would have been very bad for her. ''I didn't think about that, I was just thinking about Lissa. She's lost so much. Her parents. Andre. I couldn't let her lose him too. No matter the cost.'' I replied sheepishly. ''I was stupid and I'm sorry.''

He looked down at me with a softer expression now the realization of what could of happened had hit me. When he next spoke his voice was void of his earlier anger. ''Yes it was stupid. You put your life at risk not once but twice. Seeing you like that, in Matthews arms, a bite mark on your neck and claw marks and blood all over your body..'' He shook his head, holding back whatever he was about to say. ''..it doesn't matter.'' He sighed, looking away momentarily and running his hands over his face. When he looked back, his guardian mask was firmly in place. ''I understand why you did it. I've already spoken with Christian and he told me he didn't give you a choice. That he would of just followed you anyway.'' That surprised me really. We didn't even fight about it. I knew he was coming no matter what so I didn't see the point in fighting him, it would have been wasting time. Time Lissa didn't have. ''It's done now, there's nothing to be done. But just think in the future about your actions. You need to learn to be more responsible. You're going to make an amazing guardian.'' His voice was softer now with the hint of sorrow mixed in.

He leaned back, taking his seat again next to me. He still had his guardian mask on but I was good at reading his emotions in his eyes. The earlier guilt was still evident and I was sick of seeing it. This time my own anger started to flare. ''Damn it, would you get rid of that guilty look. I can't take it anymore. We should talk about what happened. Before I mean..'' I said apprehensively. I knew we needed to, but while we didn't. While we ignored this I could delude myself into thinking he cared for me. That he felt the same way for me as I did for him.

''I'm Sorry.'' He said, looking down towards his feet. Hiding his face from me.

''What for?'' I kept my voice soft, trying to rein in the anger I suddenly felt. Just at that moment the doors to my room swung open and Lissa walked in. I signed in annoyance. Shaking my head. My best friend had the worst possible timing in the world.

Dimitri seemed relieved at the interruption. Standing up as he said ''I should go get Dr. Olendzki. Let her know your awake'' As he reached the door he turned back to me ''Training is cancelled until you are cleared by Dr. Olendzki. I'll notify you when it resumes.'' His voice and expression was hard once again.

''HEY! We still need to talk!'' I shouted after him, but it was no use. He'd gone. Why was he avoiding this? I turned my attention to Lissa who was watching me curiously with a confused look on her face. I searched her mind briefly, she was trying to figure out what had just happened. Luckily she didn't suspect anything. She just thought we had to talk about rescuing her. Focusing back into the room I noticed that Christian had followed her in as well.

''Rose! I was so worried. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!'' Lissa shrieked as she came bounding up to me throwing her slim arms around me. ''How can I ever make it up to you? You saved Christian!''

''Ow, Liss.'' I winced. She quickly pulled away as the pain in my shoulder shot through my body from where she was hugging me tightly. She gave me an apologetic smile and raised her hand to cover her mouth in shock at what she'd just done.

''Yeah, thank you Rose. You didn't have to do that for me.'' Christian said earnestly, coming closer and patting my arm.

''Oh shut up, of course I did. I wasn't just going to let you die. What would that of done to Lissa, for some crazy reason she likes you.'' I said in response. ''And Lissa, you did the saving, I just gave you what you needed to build your strength back up. It's no big deal honestly, you don't owe me anything. Just let's not make this a reoccurring event, I don't need the blood whore rumours starting up again'' I was trying to add a bit of humour into the situation, but I didn't think it was helping. I looked at Lissa and smiled. Suddenly something dawned on me. I hoped Dimitri didn't believe them rumours, maybe that's why he was acting so strange about what happened? He seemed more angry over letting Lissa feed on me than anything else. Maybe he thought I was a blood whore? Maybe he thought I regretted it because I didn't get my own fix which resulted in me letting Lissa bite me. I shuddered at the thought. No, surely he wouldn't believe them. He couldn't, we train together every day and I've never had marks on my neck. Unless he thought I was letting myself get bit elsewhere. That would explain it I suppose. Well that and he's my mentor..

Lissa interrupted my spiralling, ''At least let me heal you? I'll have my strength back tomorrow, I can pop in before classes?'' Dr. Olendzki walked in at this point, smiling at me.

''Good, Rose, your awake. I don't know how many more times Guardian Belikov is going to come running in here with you in his arms, but I have a feeling it's going to be a lot. How are you feeling?'' And I'd missed it. Again. Least this time around I knew what it was like to actually be in his strong arms, and so much more. I shook my head and frowned at the memories, it was all so confusing. I just wanted to talk to him. I needed to know what was going on.

''Thanks doc, I can't seem to stay away from you for long'' I joked. ''I feel fine, a little sore on my shoulder but I'm guessing that's normal after getting mauled?''

Finally, everyone let out a little laugh at my joke. ''Only you, Rose, could joke about this.'' She turned to Lissa. ''I can't tell you what to do princess, but Rose will heal fine on her own. She is in no danger, she just needs to keep the wounds dry and hold training for a week while the wounds heal.'' A week? A week away from training. I didn't want to miss out on a week of training but I also didn't want Lissa to use her magic unnecessarily.

Lissa shrugged ''I don't mind, I know she doesn't need me to heal her. But after what she did. Helping me save Christian by letting me feed it's the least I could do. She wouldn't off been out so long or at all if I didn't take her blood, she also wouldn't need that IV line either. It's the least I could do.'' She said politely.

''Lissa we still don't know much about Spirit.'' I said reaching to grasp her hand in my own. ''I'll be fine. As much as I don't want to miss anytime training we shouldn't risk it.''

''No! Rose, you helped me. I should help you. End off. I'll see you tomorrow and I will heal you. No scars for you.'' She replied bluntly. She turned, looked at Christian and they both left the room, saying nothing further. Christian gave me an apprehensive look as he walked out.

''Okay. Looks like I don't have a choice. No point arguing when she's in that mood.'' I muttered as I stared at the now closed door. ''When can I get outta here doc?''

Dr. Olendzki seemed surprised by Lissa outburst, it was rare for her. She shook her head. ''You can leave in a few hours, I just want you to finish this bag of fluids, then I'll remove the line and you can leave. As long as you promise not to do anything strenuous until Lissa heals you and you both come here first thing for the healing, so I can check the wound and remove the bandages. But for tonight just make sure you keep them clean and dry.'' I nodded in response.

''I think I can handle that. I just want this damn thing out my arm.'' I said, pointing to the cannula poking out my arm. She smiled sympathetically, she knew how much I hated them.

''I'll leave you now. I'll come and check on you in a few hours. Be careful.'' She said as she left the room.

Just like that I was on my own. Left with my thoughts. I kept replaying being with Dimitri over and over in my head. Trying to figure out what it all meant. Eventually I fell asleep, dreaming of brown eye and a Russian accent.

DPOV -

AN – Sexual assault is mentioned in this section. Skip ahead to RPOV if this may be triggering. I do not want to cause any upset.

This section is not that important to the story I just wanted to show what I thought Dimitri would be feeling in this situation.

I reflected on the day's events as I walked back to my dorm. I finally got to hold Rose in my arms, to kiss her. At the time it was the best feeling in the world. I thought everything would be ok and that nothing could come between us. I thought she wanted me as much as I wanted her. I couldn't believe it when she jumped at me, I went to push her away then she kissed me. And everything I was fighting melted away, there was nothing but her and the way I felt about her. Then that necklace fell of and I saw the shock in her eyes. The confusion and I'm pretty sure some fear, I was hoping I'd imagined that last one. I didn't want her to fear me. I was shocked too. I couldn't believe what I'd done. I'd realised pretty quickly it was a charm, a lust charm to be exact. I needed to tell her, but how, without her hating me? She didn't look angry to me, or scared of me in the infirmary. She even reached for my head when she woke up. I couldn't let her touch me though. How could I? After what I'd done.

After leaving the infirmary I headed to Alberta's office going over the final reports. I explained all the events. Saying that it took me longer to take Rose down with the attack charm thanks to all the training she has been having since returning. I should of told her the truth. Had her send me away, where I couldn't hurt anyone else, but I couldn't. I couldn't leave Rose.

What I had done was unforgivable. It was disgusting. She's a child in my care. I'm meant to look out for her. To protect her. To mentor her, to make her stronger. Not rape her, because that's what I felt like I'd done. I'd done something against her wishes. I didn't have her consent. She wasn't in her right mind when it happened. She was under the influence off magic. Something she couldn't control and now I had to live with that. Live with knowing I'd hurt the one person who made me feel alive since Ivan. The one person who I looked forward to seeing every day. Now I couldn't even look at her without feeling guilt and shame. She was right in the infirmary. I do feel guilty. Extremely guilty. It was already eating at me.

I needed to talk to someone. Usually I'd talk to mama, but how could I tell her what I'd done? She'd raised me as a good person, a good man who respected women and I've gone and done one of the worst things a man could do to a women. I'd spoken to her in the past about Rose. I'd spoken to her about the feeling I was having. How I couldn't act on them because of the age difference, our professional relationships, both current and in the future, and she understood. She was happy I'd found someone, but said it was complicated. If only she knew it just got even more complicated.

I'd reached my door now. As I opened the door I was hit by her scent. It had lingered in my room. It was intoxicating, almost like she was actually there. I looked around and checked, just encase she come here from the infirmary. I knew she wanted to talk and knew we needed to. No, just her scent lingered. Disappointment washed over me when I realised I was alone, a part of me wanted her here. No, you can't think like that. What you have done, it's horrible. You don't deserve her. I reminded myself. As I stepped further into the room and closed the door. I headed straight for the bed. I wanted to submerge myself in the pillow she hand laid on. Submerge myself in her scent for as long as it lasted. Be as close to her as I could get without any possibility of hurting her again. As I approached, I noticed a horror. In the middle of the white cotton sheets was a small patch off blood. For a second I was shocked, I didn't understand where it had come from. Then a realisation dawned on me. I felt it. I felt her barrier break as I thrusted hard into her. She was innocent. A virgin.

Argh! That makes this so much worst. Not only was she being controlled by a higher source, not in complete control of her actions. I'd taken away her innocence. I'd heard the rumours around the school about her but I didn't believe any of them. I knew she would never just sleep with anyone or do anything else, I knew she wasn't that kind of girl, but the fact that she'd never been with anyone made it so much worse. How could I ever forgive myself? How could she ever forgive me.

I decided in that moment I would give her a choice. Let her ask for a new mentor if she wished. Either way I would honour her wishes. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. Hell, if she wanted she could report this to Alberta and get me sent away. I didn't care. I deserved anything and everything I got.

Suddenly my cheek felt wet, I raised my fingers and brushed them against my cheek and noticed I was crying. For the first time since I lost Ivan, I was crying. I sank to the floor, resting against my bed and grabbed that pillow, burying my head into it. Crying for the girl I had ruined. Crying for the girl I loved. In that thought I realised I did love her. I loved her with everything I had. I knew it was wrong. Dhampirs aren't meant to love, we put moroi first, but I did and I could never have her. Maybe once, after she graduated we could have been something if she wanted to. Or if we were born into a different lifestyle. But not now. Not after this. I was sobbing now, clinging to that pillow with everything I had, not even wanted to let it go. Imagining it was her. Imagining I was holding her petite body in my arms again.

Just then I heard my phone ringing. Checking the caller ID and answering it trying to control the sobs coming from my chest. ''Mama? I've done something terrible'' I said in Russian. I couldn't hold it in. I couldn't lie to her. She always knew. Even if she was nowhere near me. She knew when something was wrong. So, I told her everything. I let all the guilt out. Let it consume me. She understood, she knew where my guilt was coming from. She knew the fear that was in me. Of becoming like him. Of being anything like the man who was half of my DNA.

Surprisingly she wasn't mad at me, well until I told her I hadn't even spoken to Rose yet. Then she was mad. ''Dimka, you need to talk to her. Tell her everything. Tell her how you feel. She may very well feel the same. You've been torturing yourself since you met her. It needs to stop. I know it's complicated. I know she's your student but I've never known you to have such strong feelings for another person before. The way you talk about her, I've heard you talk about her more than anything or anyone ever. This is bigger than you realise.'' She said softly. Oh how I missed her and my whole family.

''I can't Mama. Not after what I've done. What I di…'' I didn't get to finish what I was saying as Mama interrupted me.

''NO DIMKA! You need to understand. It was the charm. You wouldn't off done that if the charm didn't remove your inhibitions. You know how they work. You had no control just as much as her. It wasn't you. I know you're a good man, I raised you to be a good man. You would not off done this if it wasn't for that charm.'' She started raising her voice slightly, trying to get her point across but I couldn't believe her. Couldn't allow myself to believe that it was just the charm. I couldn't take the easy way out. I saw where she was coming from but I couldn't let myself believe, it would give me hope and I couldn't have hope.

We rang off once I promised her I'd speak to Rose the next time I saw her. Even if Rose wasn't mad, I wasn't letting myself off the hook for this. I couldn't. I deserved to suffer I thought.

RPOV

It had been days since I'd seen Dimitri. The last time was when he walked out of my room at the infirmary. I tried everything. Going to the gym at the usual times to see if he was there. He wasn't guarding any of my classes. I hadn't even seen him in the cafeteria. It was like he had gone completely off grid. Like he was avoiding me. I'd asked around with the other guardians and none of them had seen him either, they just said he was on ward duty these past few days, as he'd requested it.

I got discharged from the infirmary later on that day just as Dr. Olendzki had said. The following morning I had met Lissa there. Just like she had promised she had healed me. I was glad because I didn't want to have the scars. As vain as that made me sound. Dr. Olendzki had cleared me to go back to classes the same day, but I still had to sit out of training and the combat classes for another day. So here we was. The end of the second day. Sitting in Stans class. I wasn't entirely playing attention to what he was saying but not many people was by the looks of things. I saw the door open and I got my first glimpse of my Russian god in what felt like weeks. He handed something to Stan and walked back out. Not even looking in my direction. He couldn't still be mad? Or whatever the hell he was. This had to stop. It was getting beyond a joke. If it was in fact a charm like he said, which caused us to 'attack' each other. Neither of us could of done anything to stop it. Although the whole charm thing was kind of far-fetched. I'd looked up attack charms since then, and none had that kind of effect on people.

Stan called me to the front bringing me out of my thoughts and passed me a piece of paper. As I sat down I opened it.

Training resumes tomorrow morning. Don't be late.

Dimitri.

Well that was blunt. Argh. Why couldn't I just read minds so I knew what was going on in his head. I just wanted to know what he was thinking. I knew what happened was bad. He was my mentor and I was his student. But I couldn't help but think it was the right thing. It felt so right.

The next morning I woke up before my alarm. Anxious to get the conversation over with and get back into training. I bounded down the stairs and out of the dorms earlier than usual and raced over the gym. I was determined to talk. Nothing would stop me today. As I entered the gym I spotted him, sitting on a side bench, reading a western looking delicious in his duster. Oh I just wanted to eat him, and kiss him.

He didn't make a move when I walked in so I wasn't sure if he'd noticed me. I thought I'd just cut to the chase before he started barking orders at me for training. ''Ok Commode. I'm not doing anything until we talk.'' I said sternly. I wasn't letting him get out of it this time. I wasn't giving him a choice. It was enough. I didn't want to have this conversation as much as he appeared to not want to but we had to if we had any hope of moving on. He looked up at me and sighed, setting his book down and standing, removing his duster to give me a view of his beautiful arms.

''your early.'' He seemed shocked. I just stared at him, not in the mood. ''I know we do, but first we should train.''

''Oh no comrade. We are talking first. You're not getting out of this. You've been avoiding me for days. Avoiding this conversation. Wouldn't even look at me during the rescue and that damn guilty expression is still plastered on your face. Would you knock it off. Or I will.'' I threaten, walking over so I was stood in front of him. I was getting mad now. How could he still be trying to avoid this.

''Can you blame me? After what I did? What I did to you? Of course I'm going to feel guilty. But I'm not avoiding you Rose. I know we need to talk. We needed to talk that night, straight after but we couldn't. Then in the infirmary I couldn't. I had to go to Alberta. Then I just needed time. Time to come to terms with what I did. I'm so sorry.'' He'd sat back down during his little speech.

''You weren't avoiding me? Yet you requested ward duty?'' I replied. His head now rested in his hands in what appeared to be shame. I approached him. Sitting beside him and pulling his hands away from his face, causing him to flinch and attempt to pull away, I just tightened my grip. As I touched him that familiar shock of electricity ran through me. I could see his beautiful eyes from here, I could see the pain and the same guilt etched in them, but he wasn't looking at me. He looked truly broken.

''Oh Comrade, none of this is your fault.'' I continued, not giving him chance to reply to my earlier comment. I rubbed my hand soothingly up his arm. ''I don't blame you. You didn't do nothing to me. I just don't understand what happened. You said in the car, on the way to Lissa. You said to Alberta is was a charm? I've looked attack charms up. None of them do that. So it couldn't off been a charm. So what happened?'' He'd raised his head further, still looking away from me. Staring at what must be a really interesting part of the gym floor.

''It was a charm Rose. It just wasn't an attack charm like I said. It was a lust charm.'' He whispered.

''A lust charm? I didn't see them in the books.''

''They aren't very well known. They aren't even used in modern times. From what I know of them, they make two people feel things they wouldn't usually feel.'' I felt a small flinch under my head as he said this. ''To distract them. Exactly like victor wanted. He wanted you distracted. He knew about your bond with Lissa and knew you'd come after her and stop him. He knew you'd come to me for help in the first instance so used that to his advantage. From what I know, the second you touched me that night, the charm transferred onto me and we were both controlled by it.'' He explained.

So it was a charm, just not an attack charm like he said. I understood why he lied. He couldn't tell Alberta it was a lust charm without getting into trouble and them finding out what happened. But what about the way it worked? He'd just said it makes people feel things they don't usually. Did that mean he didn't feel the same? He continued before I could ask. ''You should tell someone what happened. I haven't but you should. What I did..'' He seemed to be struggling with what to say. ''what I did to you..'' his voice seemed to be getting more hoarse ''..its unforgivable. I hurt you when I was meant to protect you. You wasn't in control and it was against your wishes and for that I am deeply sorry.'' He finally turned to face me. Staring right in my eyes and I could see the hurt, the pain, the sorrow he had. ''I wish I could take it all back but I cant. I'm so sorry. I don't deserve your forgiveness so I won't beg for it. I just need you to know I'm sorry, that I never meant to hurt you and that if you tell I completely understand. Or if you want a new mentor I completely understand. We can go right now and tell Alberta or request you a new mentor. Whatever you want.''

I saw a small tear fall from his eye but he quickly brushed it away. For a split second he looked like a broken man. A man consumed by guilt at what he thought he had done, I got a tiny glimpse of that deeper level of hurt he appeared to be feeling before he slammed his guardian mask in place. ''Comrade, I said earlier it wasn't your fault. You just said yourself we both were under the control of the charm. You couldn't help it as much as I could.'' I wanted to hug him, to give him comfort. I just didn't know if he wanted that. So I just continued, clarifying what he'd said ''So what you're saying is it was a charm was used to distract us and nothing more? That's all it was? A distraction? It made you feel things you don't usually feel?'' Yeah I knew I was beating around the bush a little, but I couldn't come right out and ask him if he had feelings for me. I just couldn't.

He sighed and looked to the floor again, hiding his eyes from me. ''Yes.'' That one tiny word hurt. A lot. He didn't have feeling for me, it was made up by the charm. Of course he didn't. Why would someone like him have feelings for me? I looked away, afraid my heart breaking would show on my face. I didn't want him to see the hurt he had caused if he looked up again.

''And you want me to go to Alberta, tell her what happened and request a new mentor?''

''If that's what you want to do I won't stop you. We can go right now if you want.'' He went to stand up, actually thinking that's what I wanted.

''Dimitri, I'm not going to tell anyone. I'm not going to request a new mentor. I like having you as my mentor. You did nothing wrong.'' I said. Keeping my hand resting on him arm.

He was shaking his head in disbelief. ''How can you say that?... I know.''

''Know what?

''Rose'' I saw him turn to look at me. His hand reached forward, cupping my chin and turning my head to face him. I kept my eyes down. ''I know you were a virgin.''

''How? I never told you'' I muttered embarrassed.

''I..I could tell. I felt it.'' He stuttered. I studied him in confusion. How could he tell? Felt what? Suddenly it dawned on me. My Hymen. He must of broke it. Many novices break theirs, because of the training we do. I just presumed mine would of broken already. That would explain the tearing pain I felt initially.

''Oh'' was all I could say, shocked. After about a minute I finally spoke again. ''That doesn't change anything. I still don't blame you. I wouldn't be sitting here so calmly if I did. You think if I blamed you I wouldn't of gone to Alberta and told her already? Comrade, it wasn't your fault. None of this was. If anyone is at fault, it's Victor. He put the damn charm in the necklace.''

''How can you think that? It was horrific. I took your innocence, I took advantage of you'' Ouch. I stared at him like he'd just slapped me. Was being with me really that bad? Was I really that bad for him?

It was silent for a second. Suddenly I recalled he had referred to it as horrific and my emotions got the better of me. ''Horrific? It was horrific for you?'' I repeated in shock. ''You didn't take my innocence. I gave it willingly. Even without the charm, I would of given it to you willingly. I wanted you even before the damn charm. I wanted to. With you.'' I was nearly shouting again. This time not in anger. I was upset, my heart was breaking and I was trying to keep the tears away. Dimitri flinched at my voice.

''Rose, calm down.''

''No. Dimitri. I won't. Just answer the damn question. Was it really that horrific for you?''

He ignored the question again. ''You wasn't willingly though Rose. Why can't you see that? You was under the influence of magic. You wasn't in control of your actions.''

''Yes, and neither were you!'' this time I did shout, he just wasn't listening. ''Was it really that bad for you? Was I just some women to get your fix from? A quick fix? You felt nothing before? It was all made up? Because of that damn necklace?!'' My voice got louder with each question I asked. It was a good job it was so early, someone might of heard my outrage.

He gasped at my exclamation. I looked up at him to see wonder in his eyes. When he noticed me staring he removed all emotion from his face, hiding what he was feeling from me ''Yes. It was because of the necklace.'' He muttered in a voice so low if I wasn't focused on hearing him I would of missed it. That stung. Even more than him calling it horrific. He really didn't feel the same way as me. He didn't have the same feelings as me. He just saw me as a kid. I was just another notch on his bed post and that hurt. I wanted him. More than any other person and he didn't want me. He had never wanted me. ''It was a mistake, it won't happen again.''

''I heard you call me Roza, I know that's my name in Russian. What about that?'' I was grasping and I knew it, I sounded desperate, even to my own ears. ''What about in the SUV? I heard you, you know? When you said we both do I know you think I didn't. But I did. Did you mean that? That it wasn't just Lissa who needed me safe. You wanted me safe as well.''

''Rose. That was because I'm your mentor. You're going to be my guarding partner. Of course I'm going to want you safe.'' He looked up at me and saw I was about to respond. ''I'm not interested in you in that way. I called you Roza because I was caught up in the moment. That's all it was. A moment, that I regret deeply. It only happened because of the spell. Do you understand that?'' And there goes the last of my shred of hope and my heart.

''Right. Got it. Just another notch. Completely understood. You got your fix so your golden. I thought I saw something that night, in your eyes. But I guess that was just the charm as well, creating something that wasn't really there.'' I said as I stood. My emotions were starting to break out now, my voice was shaking. I couldn't let him see me cry. Couldn't let him see just how much he words had affected me. So I ran out of the gym, forgetting completely about the training we still had to do and at that moment I didn't care. Didn't care I was meant to be training. I didn't know where I was going. I just needed to get away from him. Away from the person who just ripped my still beating heart from my chest.

AN – So the bit about the needles and plastic tubing is something I hear a lot. So I just had to include it in and I always give the sarcastic answer. I thought it might break the tension some between the two, which it didn't but I still thought it was funny.

I feel like I should apologise. I know people were probably hoping they'd just admit there feelings but I couldn't do that. I have a plan. I always felt like Dimitri would blame himself for what happened and not be able to see past it in the short term. Partly because he was a good man and didn't want to think of himself as anything like his father so he would always take the blame and torture himself.

So I've got about 3 more chapters for this story but I keep thinking of other things to include so keep adding to the plan so it could be longer. I wanted to include the Victor cell scene in this chapter as well as Strigoi Natalie (it has a twist) but it got a little too long. So it will be next chapter, it is already written and just needs editing so will be updated pretty quickly, probably Sunday as I'm working the next 2 days. Took me longer than I thought to get to the chat, sorry about that.

After the next chapter it will mostly all change except for the Qualifier. I'm still including that but again with a twist.

I'll try and stop with the long Author notes now!