This is Hailey POV in Jay and Hailey story.
The sun was starting to pick to the blinders of her room when she woke up. It must have been around 6 am and Jay was sound asleep by her side. She had a feeling that he did not fall asleep right away like she did last night. He was too wired up by his meeting with Mouse.
Hailey smiled as she remembered Mouse's words, he was right, Jay was happier than she had ever seen him. She didn't know him before she arrived at the unit but since she joined them, he was usually more closed, less smiley.
She could perfectly remember her first impression of him. His facial expressions were priceless that day she told Voight that, that was her crime scene. She thought he looked funny and kind but liked to play the cooky and smart game, where he did not allow people to get too close.
She found him interesting and appealing, but she thought he looked a bit too full of himself for her taste. They all were actually, maybe because they were an elite unit, they all transpired a self-confidence that she was not use to. But she was welcomed, apparently, Erin was the one who called the shots in terms of the younger team members and with her approval, she was well-received by everyone. She noticed some tension between Jay and Erin but nothing that could be problematic. It was easy to feet in tough. They were tight, like a family and she didn't see an opening right away, but after a couple of days Erin left and she noticed a lighter mood on them and as soon as she was partnered up with Jay, she knew they will be good together.
She didn't saw at first, but Jay was a mix between a strong driven faithful soldier and a boy with a huge heart. He was loyal and committed, but he was driven by his big heart and she knew right away that, that gig heart will put them in trouble, but the way they managed to work together since day one, without almost any bumps in the road, amazed her.
After a few weeks, they worked like they were partners for years. He understood her so well that they started to follow each other with their eyes, not needing words to decide on the next move. She never felt so comfortable with a partner before, like she did with him. Not even Garret and they dated.
Jay was calm and focused and always ready to run after a troublemaker. She could rely on him and trust him in a way that she was not used to. But like her, he also had his demons, and his guards high, maybe that was why they connect right away. She eventually found out that Erin and he were not just partners as she suspected and the way she left him behind had brooked him, more than anyone knew. He put on a brave face and smiled at his team, but he lived his life in a dark place. He struggled with his insecurities every day and he had a hard time accepting her help, accepting that he need it help. She slowly understood that Erin leaving only bring to the surface other issues that he managed to keep closed inside him. He had PTSD, he was still not in peace with his mother's death, with his father and their shattered relationship and with his brother leaving when he was needed the most. The war had opened a wound on him, and his family drama had helped to deeper that wound and he fought it as well as he was capable of, but Erin leaving him like he was not worthy enough for her to even say goodbye had brought all that back and he was really struggling for a while. She saw it. She could see his reactions to some cases, she could see what trigger him, could see how reckless he was most of the times. He was a great detective, and amazing at his job, but the way he did not had any self-preservation was scary for her. So, she pushed him to go to therapy. She called him out on his bullshit and when he didn't react, she just got him the ultimatum.
Back then, she tried to underestimate the fact that she was so worried about him, so uncomfortable with his inner fight. He did his job right, most of the times and his behaviour was mostly bad for him, but apparently, she cared for him enough to be worried about him. As far as she knew Jay, although Adam and Kevin were his friends, Kim was probably the only one that managed to make him talk at least a little. So, when Kim found out that he was in therapy she asked her how she did it. Truth be told she did not know. She just gave him two options and he took the one he wanted.
After that she felt a change in their relationship, they were still working pretty good as partners, but they started to get closer after work. They seek for each other company more and spent time together, away from the team, when things got too hard to handle alone and they were not in the mood to be on the crowded Molly's. Their silent talks were gold and were able to heal their wounds. As partners, they were something else, in Al's words. Voight second hand liked to tell her that he was not use to a partnership with such a deep connection. But as friends they were amazing. He was for sure her best friend and they did not know each other for so long. As she could remember she never had been so close to anyone except for her brothers while growing up.
Then he got shot, and that day, she was sure that was one of the worse days of her life. The moment she turned the corner and saw him laying down on the pavement lifeless she felt like she couldn't breathe. She felt her heart stop and her brain getting foggy. She doesn't really remember what she told Adam or even if she told him anything, the only thing she wanted to know was if he was really dead like she suspected. And the moment she felt his heartbeat under her bloody hands and realized that the bullet didn't go through her heart tightened so hard that she thought she was going to pass out. She helped him and listened to him apologize but mostly her brain was still struggling to believe that he was not dead. For a moment she had the urge to hug him right there and never let him go, but there were so many people around them that she just walked away. She walked away because she knew that if she had stayed, she would end up crying and pull him to her and she was not ready for that. Her head was not ready to accept what her heart was telling her. She was in love with her partner, and she was not ready to assume that to herself.
That night Adam helped her take her mind off things, helped her relaxed, they drunk the scared that Jay gave them and end up in bed together. In the morning Hailey felt guilty but the damage was done. And Adam was a good guy. He was fun and available without major issues surrounding their relationship. After much longer than she expected they started to but heads and they end up finishing what was not even supposed to had started. Their relationship was simple, with no major feelings involved. She cared for him, but she never stopped being with Jay every time she felt it was necessary. Adam didn't question their partnership, but she noticed his unapproved looks when she leaved because Jay was calling her. Not telling Jay was so hard. But she was not capable of being totally honest with him. In a way, that she couldn't really explain, she felt like she was betraying him. Like she was not supposed to date another man other than him. But they were partners, just that. She knew he didn't saw her as more than that. Although on the day he found out about them she noticed something in his eyes, like he was sad. She didn't know if she was seeing things, but he looked like disappointed with her, like betrayed maybe. Even after he reassured her that they always will be good, she felt he was slightly different with her, and the smile he usually used around her was somedays less natural. But she preferred to don't go through that road and live her life. When she and Adam broke up, she just moved on with her life, she didn't talk with Jay about it, but she noticed he felt the difference, and his smile started to be more natural again. She didn't know how analyzed that change in his behavior, but truth be told, their job was so demanding, and life was so hectic that she didn't have any time to think about it. She just enjoyed his presence and the way they got closer again. Life moved on like Adam never happened, and Jay was strong and still by her side. Giving her that calm she needed in the storm that was her life.
Eventually, as time went by, she ended up giving him insides of her life, of her traumas, of her scars. Not full disclosure, but bits of her abusive father, complacent mother or not so friendly workplace before she joined Intelligence.
He didn't know all her ghosts, but he knew enough to understand which cases will trigger her or affected her more. And the need he had to protect was sometimes overwhelming to her. But the same need was the thing that made them so close together and also so strong together. They were there for each other through every struggle, even when the other was not totally ok with it, she called it "their thing". One of them would be around after a hard day even if the other was not in the mood for it. They drink up their sorrows and the next morning they both were ready to face the world. It was almost like therapy, for both of them.
But then her CI got shot to death right in front of her and something inside her just broke. All the walls that Jay had help bringing down, all the demons she had fought, all the pain that she had put behind her, all of that hit her like a wave, and she felt mad, rage and bitter. She could fill the taste of a needing revenge inside her. She closed herself again and let Jay outside, not allowing him to be there for her, to help her get through her pain and her disbelief in the system. She tried to fight it, the need to do something, but things were blurred, and she was not seeing black and white anymore. And as much as Jay tried, and bring her to the bright side, she stayed in the dark, fighting but still in the dark and that end up pushing Jay away, she didn't know how but they drifted a bit and without her notice, he was kidnapped and shot again. And she was not ready to lose him, she could not lose him.
During the hours while they had no idea where he was, the only thing she could do was blamed herself. She was the one who pushed him away, she was the one that let him go, she knew something was off. Jay was being Jay, blaming himself for something that he couldn't do anything about it. She knew they were struggling but she did nothing because she was still struggling herself to get through her own guilt and in the end when she found him, bleeding and beaten in that basement, she was relieved although the guilt almost ate her from inside. But she had found him, and he was alive. As soon as she heard the shot, that wave of pain that she had felt last year when she ran that street corner and saw him on the ground, came back again. And her heart tightened, and she felt like she couldn't breathe, and her mind started to get foggy again and the adrenaline kicked in. She couldn't remember what she said or who was right beside her or even how they got out of there. She could only remember his shallow breathing and how his blood passed through her fingers while she made pressure in the wound. At the hospital, after half an hour of scrubbing his blood out of her while her tears drop quietly in her bloody shirt, Vanessa told her that her messed up state was because she loved him. And she smiled, dodging her boldness, but she knew it was true. It was so easy to fall for him, this kind and strong man, great cop, medaled soldier, straight forward detective with the sweetest smile and the cockiest grin, but the truth was that loving Jay Halstead was hard work. She knew that from the beginning, that his big heart will get them in trouble, and she was right. Because he also was the reckless person she knew and the lack of self-preservation that man had will drive her nuts forever. That day in the hospital she decided that she was not afraid to tell him that she loved him. She needed to verbalize it to him. But he, once again, put the others in front of him and she read it like a sign that maybe he was not ready to face that truth.
Although after his release from the hospital, she hovered around him for a while, she wanted to make sure he was really alive and thanking care of himself. That period they just enter a new dynamic in their relationship. Jay gladly accepted her help, on the opposite of what she expected. She spent some time in his house, helping him with the basics, like taking off his clothes before the shower, cooking some food to change a bit from his takeout habits, helping with the recovery basically. She went to work but always come back at the end of the day. They got closer, intimate actually. Vanessa teased her about it, but she tried to ignore the fact that she was almost living with the man that she was in love with.
After that, they were even more connected, more aware of each other presence, weaknesses and struggles and even if they never address that fact, Hailey realized that maybe this feeling that she had growing inside her, was reciprocated.
But then Gael case happened, and she lost herself again. She felt disconnected from this system that kept protecting the bad guys and screwing people that need help and struggle just to be alive. She hid her actions from Jay because she knew he will call her on it, he will push her to do the right thing and at that moment, witnessing Vanessa despair, she was incapable of doing nothing or look to the side of it.
When Voight called her on her actions, she knew he was right, she knew she had lost it and like him, she also was afraid of herself and where she would go if she kept this path. But she was not ready to be sent to New York, she felt that same anger that made her took action on Gael, boiling inside of her when she heard his orders. But when she left the district to drive home, as she sat in her car trying to understand what had just happened, the anger was gone and the only feeling that was almost eating her alive was regret. She drove away fighting not to cry and surprised when she found herself parked at Jay's door. She didn't remember how she got there or why she wasn't in her own parking lot, but she got out of the car and seek his comfort because she realized that was all that she needed it. He welcomed her with concern and surprise on his face because he could read her as no one and he saw that something was not ok, just by looking at her. She told him what happened without major details. He got the main reason Voight made the decision to send her away for a while, but he didn't judge her or looked disappointed, he just looked helpless, and she cried. Looking at him, the sadness and unknowing in his eyes finally allowed her to shed the tears that she was holding. She cried because she didn't want to go away, she cried because she didn't recognize herself anymore, she cried because she saw how helpless and hurt Jay looked, she just cried because of everything. And he hugged her. For the first time since they meet, he hugged her and she melted in his embrace, she listened to his heartbeat trying to memorize it and breathe him in to have something to remember while gone. She was so overwhelmed that she just sunk in his embrace and breathe him for as long as he allowed her.
That night she went home and then straight to the airport. He offered to drive her, but she was not ready for that, she needed to do that alone. As soon as she landed, she had a text from him and since that moment they never stopped. They text during the day and when they had a moment at the same time, at the end of the day, they facetime. Hailey was surprisingly happy when he picked up the first time. She knew Jay was not a big fan of this kind of stuff but apparently it was ok because it was her, or that was what he said to her. With this, they talked almost every day, she missed him every day, that she was sure, but without noticing the time passed by quicker than expected for her and the day she landed in Chicago again, he was there waiting for her making her smile wide when she saw him. They hugged again and this time she shivered when he lightly spoke on her hear, telling her that he had missed her. She felt his heartbeat again and breathe him in and yes, it was like she remembered all those days away from him. That moment at the airport she felt home, something that she hadn't been feeling for a long while, even before she had left for New York.
After that, they tighter their relationship, they spent even more time together and Jay was almost totally open with her. She still had her walls a little high and she fought her demons but was slowly showing Jay who she really was, and that was for sure, the proof of what Jay was now, for her, more than just her partner and more than just her friend but she still had to get the strength to tell him that, because now she was also almost sure that she was not alone on these feelings and the way Jay had shown his soft smile or his sweet tone, that she has only seen him using on her, she knew that Vanessa was right, she knew that he also felt something more for her.
The thing was, Hailey was not use to life being easy on her, but sometimes, life liked to show the way and when the job offer from the FBI came she saw it as a point of no return, this was it. If she wanted to be with Jay, this was the way through it. So, she got a little disappointed when he told her that he was happy for her. She understood what he meant but she was expecting more, but as he said, he was defending himself. He was used to people leave, so he was not expecting to be different with her, and he would let her go if that were what she wanted to do. But that was not what she wanted to do; she didn't want to leave him. She didn't want to have another partner, live in a place where he was not present or live a life without him. He was more than that and she needed to tell him that. And when she thought "fuck it" and spill it all out she was not expected for him to kiss her, or to kiss her like that. Like she was the only girl in the world, like he too thought of her as more than his partner as if he was waiting for her permission for years to come. His kiss and his embrace made tears of happiness fall and the shiver that she felt as his hands close around her waist made her smile in between their kiss. This was the best answer that he could give her, and she couldn't be happier!
From that night on, except for some but heads here and there, because they were Hailey Upton and Jay Halstead, the two more stubborn people she actually knew, it was like she was living a completely different life. Being in love with Jay was hard work, because of everything he was, his driven big heart, his reckless way of living, his stubbornness, and so on, but being loved by Jay in full disclosure was something else. The way he never left her, he dealt with all her baggage made her love him even more. Waking up under his touch and with his neck kisses was her favourite part of the day. Falling asleep cuddling with him was her therapy. Their connection was so deep that she felt that most of the times he knew what she was about to say before she said it. Their silent talks transported to the bed made her feel like she was the luckiest girl in the world because almost without trying he knew exactly what she needed and what was a turn on to her and the opposite work too and she knew sex is just that, sex, but their sex life was for sure one of the fuels of their relationship.
One day, on one of their pillow talks, which usually happened when the day was too hectic for them to fall asleep right away, he shared with her that his mother once told him that falling in love with your best friend is like winning the lottery and that was how he felt sometimes when he woke up by her side. She smiled into his words reaching for a light kiss and wished she had known his mother, he always talked about her with so much love. Jay had shown her so much. Until she met him, she didn't have best friends, she was not close enough to anybody to call them that, she had dated and fall in love but never committed to anyone. She really didn't know how to rely on someone. She learned to be by herself. That was what growing up with an abusive father and a complacent mother had thought her. She knew how to be strong and bold because that was what surviving her childhood had thought her, but she didn't know how to allow someone to help her, to allow someone to love her. Jay showed her that she could share the weight of the world with him and showed her that she was allowed to cry and to be weak at some point but most important, Jay showed her that she could be loved and that changed her life forever. Jay changed her life forever, by loving her fearlessly, ignoring the labels that she had put on herself, as broken or damaged or unable to do relationships and showed her every day that she was worth being loved. And that scared her, that scared her so much. But his honesty, sweet smile and comfort hugs prevented her from run from him, from her feelings, many times.
He was scratching his nose, but his eyes were still closed, he was probably waking up, so she closed her eyes because there was nothing she loved more than wake up to his light kisses between her shoulder and neck and his good mornings with his voice thick of sleep.
He respected her, was faithful through her, stand by her and give her the safe feeling that he would never leave her, that he wanted to be with her through all of the crazy live troughs their way, he showed her that she deserved to be happy and that smiling was her best feature. That was what being loved by Jay Halstead looked like.
Thank you, so, so much justHeellen for all your support!
Really hope you like it!
Enjoy and let me know what you think!