Twenty-three years. Elliot masked his feelings for Olivia for two decades, only for it to be blurted out during a moment of weakness. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he wanted to do. All he could utter was "I love you." And then he ran. He drove with no direction in mind; he needed to go far. Far from her, far from his kids, far from himself.

The intervention meant losing Eli, even if it was temporary. He understood - at least some part of him did. I've changed. He reminded himself. I'm tired of being compared to who I was 12 years ago. The old Elliot would have allowed the anger to consume him, but not anymore. He couldn't relapse; this was the chance to show everyone the change he spoke of.

—

Boxing. His outlet, one of few things that kept him sane. A vigorous workout controlled the urge to explode, to put a hole in the wall as he had done in the past. His body and mind were in autopilot. It was as if he were back in isolation again - everything was taken from him, with little to connection to anyone.

After downing a bottle of water, he panted with his hands on his knees. Enough time had gone by; he could handle this. His thumbs typed in the number he had memorized for over two decades. Her.

Ring…

Ring...

Ring..

"Liv."

His heart sped up, not knowing where to start or what to say but he knew that he needed to talk.

"You've reached Olivia Benson. Leave a message."

His eyes narrowed, waiting for the prerecorded message to play out. "Liv, it's me. I just wanted to—"

She was calling him. Suddenly he was a teenager again; tongue tied over a girl, palms sweaty and his heart pounding. All he could muster was a simple "Hey."

"Elliot. Is everything alright?" Her voice was laced with concern - he hadn't called her much since they reconnected, but he felt like he needed to tonight. He had to explain why.

Times have changed, he reminded himself. He foolishly forgot that she was no longer a single woman at home with time to spare; Olivia was a mother, a captain nonetheless. Her hands were full.

"I'm okay. I, uh, wanted to talk about earlier. I didn't realize it was…" He peered down at the time on his laptop, squinting to see the text. "Fuck, I'm sorry Liv." He found himself rambling, fumbling over words to formulate a coherent sentence. "I'm sorry about earlier. I just couldn't…."

"...breathe?"

"Yeah." He exhaled, adjusting the phone against his head to prop it up while he opened the fridge - it was as empty as hers years ago when he inspected it. So much had changed, yet so much had stayed the same.

"How can I help?" She was tired, he could tell. Her words were strung out, but she was alert.

The sound of her voice brought comfort. The years he spent building up his walls were diminishing because of her. He spoke in a hushed tone, "It's like.. It's a weight that's dragging me down. I'm drowning, Liv. My mind starts spinning an-an-and…" His palm went to his forehead; this had become his go to for comfort. "Everything hits me at once."

Olivia knew the depth of his words. He wasn't one to make himself vulnerable, let alone express all that encompassed his mind. She shifted in bed, emitting a soft yawn. "El, why don't you come over tomorrow? I can introduce you to Noah." It was a leap of faith - an olive branch.

"I'd like that." His voice sounded small. So much had been taken, he was afraid to have one more thing to lose.

"I'll see you at 9."

"Okay."

"And Stabler?"

"Yeah, Benson?"

"Make sure you sleep tonight."

"I'll try."

"He has a lot of energy."

He let out a dry chuckle. "Alright, Liv. I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"Goodnight, Elliot."

—

He slept. Albeit four consecutives hours, but it was a start. He straightened his back and stretched before making his way to the bathroom. They hadn't set a time, but knowing Olivia - if he still knew her - they'd be awake by now. Seeing her as a mother was something he longed for. Not just because of the emotions he'd held under the surface for so long, but because it was something she'd always wanted.

Less than an hour later, he stopped by one of their old coffee spots and made his way to the address she texted him. A new address. He wasn't surprised - she needed a place to accommodate her son. Knowing Olivia, he likely scoped out the area beforehand; she wanted to give her son the best she could.

Ding.

Her floor. His feet led him to her front door - he was nervous, but ready. A firm knock on the door announced his arrival, to which he was greeted by the pitter patter of small feet. He let out a chuckle while overhearing Olivia's words "Noah! What have I told you about answering the door?"

He couldn't quite make out the boy's words, but it ended with "Sorry, mommy."

"Elliot." She looked effortlessly beautiful - a loose bun, a beige colored cardigan, and leggings. Her attire mirrored his - he opted to wear jeans, and a long sleeved t-shirt.

"Liv." His face softened upon seeing her. He extended his hand to Noah, "You must be the man of the house. It's nice to meet you, Mr. Benson."

Noah beamed. He looked up at his mom, with an excitement she hadn't seen in him. They shook hands, a bit too eagerly on his part, but he liked it. Something about childhood innocence and joy helped him. He knew that, more importantly she knew that. Both moved aside so he could enter their home, his shoes were promptly removed.

He watched the two of them make their way back to the kitchen, where they were making cookies. When Noah thought they were out of hearing distance, he whispered - a tad too loudly - "I already like him more than Tucker!"

Blue met brown, confusion met shock.

—

Dun dun.

This chapter was somewhat of a filler to set up for what could be. The big question: Should I include the Lewis arc within Antidote? I know it's a touchy subject for many, however it's crucial to her development as a character. With the way it's set up, it can be ignored or addressed.

In addition, I recently wrote out an analysis for 1x4 (on Reddit). Feel free to check that out as well!

Twitter: dunduneo

Reddit: r/dunduneo