Harbinger

Kitty's Outlaw ATC

Chapter 3

by Lilyjack

Author's Note: Thank you all for the wonderful reviews. They absolutely make my day.

Chester, irritably: "Y'know, that's beginnin' to gall me a little, him talkin' t' Miss Kitty like that all the time."

Matt, staring sullenly across the street at Kitty and Cole Yankton: "Chester, why shouldn't he talk to 'er?"

Chester: "Well, no reason, only…"

Doc, in exasperation: "Oh, you're not foolin' me a bit, Matt. You're bothered by it just as much as Chester and me and ever'body else."

"Kitty's Outlaw" 1957

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Abruptly I'm roused to consciousness when two big hands seize my shoulders. Gasping aloud, I hear a familiar deep voice, raspy with urgency. "Kitty!"

I squint against the bright sunlight, shielding my eyes with a hand so I can catch a glimpse of the shadowed face etched with concern above me. The sun must've shifted after I fell asleep near the riverbank, and I'm no longer in the sheltering shade of the tree. My voice is hoarse. "Matt?" Groggy with sleep, I feel startled and disoriented.

"Kitty, honey, are you alright?" His warm hands slide down my bare arms, his eyes rake over me, apparently lookin' to see if I'm hurt. In dismay, I remember my state of undress. Here I am, tryin' to prove to Matt that I'm a decent woman now, and he catches me in my unmentionables. I hope to goodness they're dry enough so he can't see plumb through 'em, although I'm pretty sure he wouldn't mind too awful much if he could. Why, I haven't been swimmin' in the river since…well, since I was a girl, still livin' back in New Orleans. I foolishly jump in the river here one time, and Matt goes and catches me.

"I'm fine, Matt," I sheepishly reassure him. My hands reach to cover my breasts self-consciously, realizing I'm scarcely hidden beneath the thin, damp cotton chemise. His eyes are drawn downward again despite the worry on his features. Matt has always looked upon me with unmistakable fervor, but has never treated me as anything other than a friend. Therein lies the crux of the matter.

"What happened?" His voice is insistent, a little panicked. It pleases me that he's so concerned, but it also makes me feel foolish to have caused his worry for no reason whatsoever.

"Nothin' happened, Matt. I just…" I feel silly now explaining. "I just went swimmin' is all. And I was so tired afterward I fell asleep." I fail to mention that I cried myself to sleep, but I imagine he's noticed my swollen, tear-streaked face. I know I must look a sight.

"Dammit, Kitty." He sounds a little put out. He pushes his hat back with one finger and I can see perspiration beading on his forehead. Then I notice Buck a short distance down the riverbank, lathered from a hard ride and peacefully munching on wild chamomile blossoms. Matt declares, "Kathleen Russell, you scared the life outta me."

"I'm real sorry, Matt. I didn't mean to." My forehead wrinkles as I frown and look down again at my rumpled underthings, my scandalously bare feet. Most folks would think it funny, a workin' girl worryin' about such things, but I wasn't always bad. I lived most of my life as a good girl. Up until Mother died and I was left on my own. Now I'm tryin' hard to turn back the tide, but I don't know if that's even possible. I wonder if Matt thinks it is.

He sighs and sits back on his haunches. "It's okay…I just saw you tearin' down Front Street on a hired horse, so I headed over to Moss's to see where you were headed. He said you seemed mighty upset, but you wouldn't tell him where you were goin'."

"Well, it seems like you managed to find me alright." I lift my brows at him. He's so handsome, sometimes he takes my breath away. His striking pale blue eyes are creased at the corners as he squints in the bright light, and a muscle in his jaw pulses. He's handsome even when he's perturbed at me.

Lookin' at him makes my chest ache, and I wanna touch him. I long to smooth my fingertips over that jaw muscle, to soothe him. I wanna fondle the heavy hank of hair that's danglin' low on his forehead. I swallow hard but keep my hands to myself. How on earth could he be so upset if he doesn't really care about me? I'm mystified, frankly, and becoming frustrated as hell at the same time.

I'm startled from my reverie when he speaks up. "Yeah, well it took me long enough. And then you were laid out here on the ground like…" He swipes at his damp forehead with the back of his hand as he crouches beside me. "It just scared me is all."

Although Matt's concern for my well-being is encouraging, I feel my patience wearin' thin. I am lying half-naked on the ground right in front of him. I can tell he is tryin' not to stare at me in my state of dishabille, but I can also see it's a losin' battle. I know he wants me. The heat between us is always palpable. What's holdin' him back? He hasn't uttered another word, and the silence stretches between us.

What have I got to lose? I slowly slip my hands off my bosom and push myself half upright onto my elbows. Matt's eyes are inexorably drawn to stare at my body again. I see his tongue wet his lips before he swallows hard, and I can't stop the impassioned thoughts that come unbidden to my mind at that sight. I try to tame my imagination, calm myself. Then I encourage him, my voice soft and gentle, "I wanna thank you for comin' after me, Matt. Nobody else woulda' done that."

"Aw, Kitty, that's not true." He shakes his head and looks to the sky, but only for a moment before his gaze is drawn right back to me.

"Sure it is." I sit up, lean closer to him. His eyes search my face. I always feel like he can look right down inside a' me, like he knows what I'm thinkin' even before I say it out loud. Can he read my mind right now? If he can, he knows I want him to kiss me so bad it hurts. I can see he wants to kiss me, too. Why won't he?

I demurely duck my head a little while I dare to touch my fingertips to the back of his hand. His skin is tan from long rides under the prairie sun. I can feel that sun beatin' down hotly on my bare head, on my shoulders and bare arms. I know I'll regret it later when I get back to the Long Branch and I'm freckled all over, but right now I don't care one whit. I flatly state, "You're the only one who gives a damn whether I go out and break my neck ridin' or not." I look up at him from beneath my lashes.

He reminds me, "What about Doc and Chester?" I can see his Adam's apple bobbing. Is he nervous, too? My own chest feels tight and anxious, like I'm standin' right on the edge of a precipice, ready to jump off. I wonder if I can get Matt to take my hand and jump with me.

"They're not the same as you, Matt." I tilt my head back and gaze at him earnestly. "And I don't think they'd ever go chasin' across the prairie after me anyway."

His gaze flits across my features and lands on my mouth. My lips part of their own accord. I lean closer to Matt, and I can see his breath quickening. I can feel that he wants to kiss me but he's holdin' back. Does he need encouragement? Butterflies in my belly, I whisper to him, "Don't you wanna kiss me, Matt?" I'm so anxious, my voice is so quiet, I'm not sure he even heard me.

I watch as his eyes become hooded, his tongue wetting his lower lip again uneasily. "Oh, honey…"

That's twice he's called me "honey" in a matter of minutes, and I can feel the big hand he's had wrapped around my heart for two long years now squeezin' tighter until I think I'll cry. How can Matt speak such sweet words to me if he doesn't care for me at least a little?

I lean towards him and glance down. My breath is coming quickly as well, my bosom soft and unbound. That fact is not lost on the man that I love. His eyes trail over my body, unhindered by the yards of dress fabric I always wear. I know Matt likes the way I look. I just don't understand why he won't act on that desire.

Maybe he needs a little more convincing. Takin' a small ribbon securing the bodice of my chemise between two delicate fingers, I unhurriedly loosen it. Matt watches, tongue-tied, as I slide the cap sleeve off my shoulder and slip it halfway down my arm, real slow. His eyes are hungry, but then I watch as he stubbornly bites his lower lip in gritty determination.

I wordlessly entreat him, extending hesitant fingers to touch his cheek, searching his eyes. My heart leaps in my chest when I hear his groan of surrender. His brows swoop together above his nose and he tilts his head toward mine. I gasp silently, and it's as if time then slows to a crawl. The primal sound he makes in the instant when his lips first touch mine makes my bare toes curl. My eyes drift shut, and Matt kisses me, his mouth tentative, unsure. I feel the sun on my cheeks and the prairie wind ruffling my tousled hair before Matt cups a hand on the back of my head, his fingers working gently in the strands. I breathe in the heady masculine scent that clings to him, coffee and horses, sweat and shaving soap. I trace my hand over his jaw, the stubble of his beard ticklin' my palm, and I sink into the kiss, drowning in its tenderness. I'm astonished to feel him shaking. I know he feels deeply as do I. His lips are so soft, so gentle, he takes my breath clean away.

But then he pulls back and says gruffly, "I can't do this."

I feel like the wind has been knocked right outta me. I'm dumbfounded. Confused. Embarrassed. I can feel my face flushing rapidly. "Whatta you mean?" My voice is brittle, like fragile glass about to shatter.

"I'm sorry, Kitty." His face is torn, apologetic. He shakes his head adamantly. "I never shoulda started this." He sits back, removes his hat and throws it on the ground.

"Why?" I demand incredulously.

"I know better…" He shakes his head and releases a shuddering sigh. "I'm sorry, Kitty," he repeats, and my heart plummets while my ire ignites.

"Dammit, Matt, is it…?" I feel the flush in my face travel down my neck to my chest. "…is it because you're ashamed of me? Of what I am? What I've done?" I feel indignant tears spring to my eyes, but I swallow them back and refuse to let them fall.

"Kitty, what if…" he begins, his brow furrowing as he roughly rakes his fingers through his hair. "What if someone rode up and saw us? What would they think? It would end up all over town..." He reaches to grab my abandoned dress from the ground and hastily pushes it toward me.

The utter frustration of Matt toying with my feelings by first kissing me and then stinging me with outright rejection is too much to bear. My emotions well up inside my belly, they surge into my chest and explode. I can feel my face crumpling, and before I realize what I'm doin', my fist unfurls and I'm swingin' my open palm to strike Matt Dillon's face.

He's too fast for me though, and his lightnin' quick reflexes allow him to easily ward off my blow. His big hand clamps around my wrist, gripping my arm tight while I struggle in vain against him. "Let me go!" I heatedly demand, and his dark brows knit together fiercely.

"Stop it, Kitty!" He captures both my wrists, glancing around furtively, and I realize that, yes, he is afraid of bein' seen with me. My humiliation is complete.

"Lemme go, Matt Dillon, you big bully! I hate you!"

He carefully shakes me, one brow rising sharply. "Don't make this any harder than it already is, Kitty! Don't you know that I…?"

I feel my anger, my bravado bleedin' away, and the tears in my eyes spill hotly onto my cheeks. I try to twist my arms out of Matt's grasp, but he holds tight. His tortured eyes search my face when a sob escapes my chest.

Then I hear him utter a strangled sound. His head dips low, and he captures my lips in a fierce kiss, as hard and desperate as the earlier kiss was tender and sweet. At first, I fight like hell to push him away. My palms flatten against his broad chest and I shove, but I'm no match for his strength. He pulls away for just a second as we both gasp for breath. Then he murmurs my name and devours me once again. I feel myself meltin' into him. He releases his bruising grasp on my wrists at last, and my arms twine up and around his neck while I press my body against his. His fingers thread through my hair as he kisses me hungrily, clutching my tumbled locks in his fists. Then one big hand slides down to capture my breast, the heat of his palm scorching me through the thin cotton. I whimper and arch my back, pressing myself closer, closer.

Suddenly he pulls away again, muttering hoarsely, "Kitty, we can't…"

"Dammit, Matt!" I bite out, the hope I had felt blossoming in my chest now shrivelin' inside me. I hate myself when tears of frustration begin rolling down my cheeks anew.

He firmly grasps my upper arms, pleadin' with me. "Please don't cry, Kitty."

I angrily swipe at my eyes with the back of my hand. "Why the hell not?" I demand. "I think I got a right, don't you?" I can feel my expression turning thunderous.

Matt visibly wilts, his gaze dropping. "Yeah, as a matter a' fact, you do. This is all my fault, Kitty."

"You can do somethin' to fix it, ya' know…"

"I'm sorry, Kitty. You deserve better. You deserve…" He sighs and casts his eyes toward the empty plains surrounding us.

"I deserve what, Matt?" I angrily pull my sleeve back up on my shoulder.

"You deserve someone who'll take care of you, who'll treat you like a lady and always be there for you."

"But…" I'm completely astonished by his assertion, my lip curling as I speak. "But you already do that, Matt! Nobody's ever treated me like you do. You've always treated me like a lady. You've always been there for me!"

"I do think you're a lady, Kitty. You're either born a lady or you're not." One corner of his mouth turns up for an instant. "That kinda thing comes from inside."

His statement makes my own insides flutter happily, but I know I haven't near won the battle yet. "What's holdin' you back, Cowboy?" I use the name I've been calling him in private when nobody else is around to hear our conversation.

"There's somebody out there who'll take care of you right, Kitty," he says, scratchin' his head, looking like he's tryin' to convince himself as well. "Somebody who'll…"

"Somebody?" Frustration and disappointment well up inside a' me, but I stubbornly choke back the tears. Instead, I fuss, "You're blind, Matt Dillon. Just plain blind!"

"Whatta you mean?" he asks distractedly, his eyes darting from the horizon to me, my arms crossed tightly over my chest.

"Oh, stop lookin' out there, Matt. Not a soul's around for miles. Don't worry, nobody's gonna catch you with me."

"Dammit, Kitty, quit sayin' that. You don't understand what I'm worried about, honey. You don't…"

I roll my eyes and interrupt him, "Oh, Matt, what I mean is that you're the only man I want. I don't want anybody else. Can't you see that? Can't you see we belong together?"

"Kitty, I can't lie. I can't deny how I feel about you, honey. But it just wouldn't be fair to you."

"Why are you fightin' this?"

"It's just too dangerous."

"Dangerous? Whatta you mean?"

"You know the kind of desperate characters I hafta deal with. I can't subject you to that. I have no right to."

"Why would you think I'm worried about that?"

"Kitty, you're not thinkin' clear. Just think about all the shootin' and killin' that follows me everywhere."

"Matt, I'm well aware of all that. I see it firsthand."

He ignores my comment, keeps goin' with his argument, with the dark thoughts swirlin' around in his head. "…like the day Joe Stanger shot that little saloon gal. She was brand new. What was her name? Laura?"

"Linda," I reply, and I know where he's goin' with this.

"That coulda been you, Kitty. I can't get her outta my mind, honey, the blood soakin' her pretty dress, the empty look in her eyes. She was so young. And…it coulda been you!"

I grab his arm, shake him a little to get poor Linda's lifeless face outta his head, to make him look at me, alive and breathin' right in front of him. "Matt, if I hadn't been away on a picnic that day with you, if I'd been the one workin' back at the Long Branch that day, who's to say Stanger wouldn't've shot me instead? Dodge is a rough town sometimes, and bad things can happen to anybody."

"Kitty, if you're with a U.S. Marshal, your chances of havin' somethin' bad happen increase dramatically."

"Who says?" I wonder if he's sat up nights, thinkin' of excuses why he can't be with me. Why?

"Kitty, I got a lotta good advice from a man I worked with as a deputy. Adam Kimbro was his name. He was an experienced lawman, a good lawman, and he taught me a lot. Including that marriage, family, and the law don't mix."

I am incredulous. "Marriage? Hold your horses, Cowboy! Matt, nobody said anything about marriage."

"But one of these days…don't you think you might wanna be with somebody who'll give you all the things a woman wants? A real home? A family?"

"We've got our whole lives ahead of us, Matt. Right now, I just wanna be with you. Can't you see that?"

"Kitty, my life might not be too awful long. I could be shot down in the street tomorrow. And if you're beside me, you could be killed, too."

"Matt, don't you know that whatever might happen to me, it's better than the alternative?" My brows are knit together in a frown.

"The alternative?"

"A life without you!"

I can see the turmoil in his handsome face. I hope what he wants in his heart will win over what he thinks is right, what someone from his past has told him is right. I'd like to throttle that lawman named Kimbro right about now for the seed he's planted in Matt's mind. And who knows? One of these days Matt might just change his mind and figure out he'd be the best husband…hell, the best father, anyone ever could ever be. And I'll be right here waitin' for him if and when that happens. I got all the time in the world.

"Kitty…" He bites his lower lip thoughtfully, not meetin' my eyes. "You'd just be so much better off with someone else."

"I don't want…" I begin, but he cuts me off insistently.

"Someone who can be there for you all the time. Even Doc said it was too bad that Cole Yankton hadn't stayed with you. He said Yankton was a fool. I know you cared for him, Kitty, and you might've kept him from headin' down the wrong path in the end. I'm sorry…" He glances back up at me quickly, "I'm real sorry things turned out the way they did, Kitty. I hate it that I had t'…" He stops and presses his lips together as if struggling for what to say to me. "I know he was special to you."

"Matt…" I touch his arm gently. He looks pained, and I want to reassure him. "It's not your fault. You were just doin' your job."

"I know, but it doesn't make me feel any better."

I pull my knees up against my chest and hug my legs, admitting quietly, "Matt, any real feelin' I had for Cole, it's been long gone for several years."

He looks to me in surprise. "But I saw you in the street, talkin' to him. I thought…"

So he did take notice. I feel guilty now, the way I tried to make him jealous. "Matt, honest, I don't love him anymore. I couldn't love him after the way he…" I squeeze my legs tighter and stare down at my bare feet.

"You okay, Kitty?" I can see the concern on his face. "He didn't hurt you, did he?"

A wry smile reluctantly finds its way to my lips. "Not on the outside, I don't suppose." When Matt looks at me strangely, I offer, "He just hurt my feelings, Matt. Disappointed me and dashed my hopes is all."

He says to me sadly, "I'm real sorry, Kitty. You deserve better."

"It was my fault. I shoulda known better. But I was awful young and thought he loved me, thought he just wanted to get me away from Pan's place before she sold me to the highest bidder." I hazard a glance at Matt and see the shock on his face.

"Who's Pan?"

I've piqued his curiosity. "Just another person from my past, right after my mother died. But Cole claimed he wanted to get me away from that life. We ran away together. He was a gambler, Matt, just like my father. I shoulda known better, huh?" I release a small sigh, wonderin' what the hell I'd been thinkin'. Whenever I look back on those days, I still can't believe I made the exact same mistake as my mother did before me. But at least she got my gambling father to marry her. I've got nothin' to show for it.

Matt's expression hardens. "You were just a kid, weren't ya'? How would you know what he was like? The world is full of people who take advantage of others, Kitty. I'm just sorry you've met so many of 'em."

"Me, too." I can't help but raise a sardonic eyebrow at him. "Things were okay, I guess, until we ran outta money. Then Cole sweet-talked me into earnin' us some cash t' pay his way into a high stakes poker game, earnin' it the way the other girls back at Pan's place used to." I roll my eyes.

Once again, his face becomes a storm cloud of emotion. He insists, "You told him 'no'?"

"I didn't feel like I had a choice." My voice is quiet. I'm not proud of what I did or that I let Cole manipulate me like that. "Cole helped me when I needed it. But after it was over, after I did what he asked me, I realized I just didn't love 'im anymore. I figured anybody who really loved me, they wouldn't've asked me to do that."

"You're absolutely right, Kitty." I can see the hate brewing in Matt. A lot of the time, he wears his heart on his sleeve. I can see on his face, in his eyes, what he feels inside.

I elaborate, my index finger tracing a path in a bare patch of sandy soil at my feet. "I took off in the middle of the night so he wouldn't follow me. Left him a note explainin' I needed to strike out on my own, no hard feelings. Hadn't heard from him again 'til he showed up here in Dodge the other day, apparently lookin' to use me again." I shake my head but keep my eyes cast down. "Same ol' Cole." I stare up at Matt suddenly, saying, "I wanna make sure you understand, Cole never did ask me to help him. I'm not sure why. And even if he had asked, I wouldn't've. I hope you know that much about me."

Matt's eyes soften as he says, "I know that, Kitty. And maybe he didn't ask you because he saw how successful you were here in Dodge. He didn't wanna cause any trouble for you in your new life. Maybe it's because he respected you and what you've become."

"Yeah…" I nod a little, my eyes far away. "…maybe you're right, Matt."

I glance back at him, and it seems like he's finally lookin' at me differently. I'm not sure what's changed, but I can see it in his eyes. "Why are you lookin' at me like that?" I feel a blush steal across my cheeks. "You pretty much know all my secrets already. This revelation can't be all that shocking to you."

"Kitty, you know I've got a checkered past." He sits back a ways, leans a careless arm on his bent knee. His legs are so long, his hands so big, his long fingers slender and sensitive. I can't ever get enough a' lookin' at him. I'm once again startled from my reverie when he sighs, "I could've gone down the wrong road, too, if there hadn't been people in my life who influenced me to do what's right. So I try not to judge people too much. We all do what we hafta do to get by."

"I'm glad you feel that way, Cowboy." I gaze at him earnestly. "I'm real glad. I know I complain a lot about men in general, usually to you…" I give him a small, whimsical smile. "But you're not like the other men I've met over the years. Not by a long shot. I know I said Cole was special, but, Matt, you're the one who's truly special to me." I feel anxious revealing so much to him.

But he looks right back at me, those crystal blue eyes of his searching mine, finding and listenin' to my heart, it seems. His intent gaze is always my undoing. He makes me weak with admiration, with love and longing. I hear him admit, "You're not like the other girls, Kitty. You're different."

"How am I different, Matt? I always thought I was different, but my life has turned out the same as a lotta women out here, it seems, no matter how hard I try."

"That's where you're wrong, Kitty Russell. You are different. You're the first test of my resolve. The resolve I set when Kimbro gave me his solemn advice all those years ago." He gives me his charming, crooked smile, and I can see his own uncertainty, his own reluctance to reveal his deepest self. He finishes, "Nobody else has ever come close to testin' my resolve. You're it."

"I'm it?" That hope begins to bubble up inside me again, and I feel almost faint.

"Yeah. You're the one." He suddenly looks shy, staring down and scrubbing at a stain on his pants with his index finger.

"Maybe I am different," I acknowledge. "Since I can make Matt Dillon look my way. But don't you wanna do more than look, Cowboy?" I slip my hand into his, feelin' the warmth of those long, sensitive fingers, reveling in the return squeeze he gives my hand. "Don't you at least wanna kiss me? A kiss won't hurt anything, will it?"

He smiles self-deprecatingly, but he won't look at me. I hafta lean a little closer to hear his hushed answer. "Imagining what your kisses would be like is what keeps me up nights, Kitty."

I lace my fingers through his. "So you do think about me…"

"I think about you all the time." His bold admission flushes his cheeks and ears pink.

"Don't you think it's high time to stop thinkin'? And start doin'?"

Matt blows out a breath, and I slide a little bit closer.

"Did I pass, Matt?" I murmur up at him.

"Pass?" Our faces are inches away from one another. His eyes are piercing, hypnotic.

"You said I tested your resolve. Did I pass the test?" I can feel those blue eyes raking over me. I can feel his raw need. I'm ready to fill that need, to make him full and happy and loved. I hold his hand tighter, pull it close and hug it against my chest so just maybe he can feel my heart pound.

"Honey, you've single-handedly destroyed my resolve, and that's the honest truth. I don't know what I'm gonna do with ya'."

"I can think of a few things." I quietly raise a brow at him, and he laughs silently.

His eyes search my face, and my breath catches in my throat when he finally says, "Well, like you said, what'll one kiss hurt?" His index finger curls and lifts my chin to meet his gaze. "But then again, this is gonna be the third, isn't it?"

I whisper, "Who's countin'?"

He bends his head low and I can feel his breath brush my lips as he answers, "Not me, that's for sure. The numbers could get pretty high, honey. Now come 'ere."

I shiver in anticipation. Matt Dillon is gonna kiss me at long last, and this time he won't pull away. I'll make damn sure a' that.

end

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This is the end of young Matt & Kitty's story unless you prefer your happily-ever-afters a bit more steamy, in which case you may feel free to proceed to Chapter 4, the "optional" chapter. I will tell you though that if you forego Chapter 4, you will be missing out on crucial character development and the dramatic and emotional plumbing of the depths of our heroes' hearts.