there is time for gentleness in the cold storm

A Kimetsu no Yaiba Fan fiction

Original Characters

Disclaimer: I do not own Kimetsu no Yaiba

Warnings: grammatical errors, typos

This story contain Canon Character x Original Character pairing

CHAPTER 3

The green of summer turns to shades of yellow and red. Autumn is here. Winter is coming next. It will be a hard one this year. Sansa can feel it in her bones. For she is a winter child and the winds are no stranger to her.

Kotaro and Ui often exchange troubled looks these days. Whenever Sansa sees them together and without other children, those two are in the middle of an intense discussion. It doesn't take a lot of imagination to figure out what troubles them. Kaigaku has noticed too. There are a number of times when Sansa looks away from Kotaro and Ui only to see Kaigaku standing there, eyes trained upon the eldest of their brood and then towards her. Sansa and Kaigaku never say anything about it, but she knows that Kaigaku is aware as well. Perhaps.

The two of them have gotten closer since Kaigaku witnessed Sansa cry. Or so she thinks. Sansa begins to pay more attention to the black haired boy since then. And he towards her. The number of times their gazes meet these days almost rivals Kotaro and Ui. It is unconsciously done on her part. Sansa will look toward Sensei first, then Kotaro or Ui, and finally Kaigaku. In that order. She looked toward everybody else after that. Sometimes Sansa will look at Kaigaku first.

He doesn't immediately turn away.

Sansa doesn't know why, but it brings her a measure of relief.

She begins to compare Kaigaku with the other boys.

He is not as easily distracted like Hideki or hesitant like Soroku. He is more patient in dealing with Toten and Sayo in comparison to Kotaro who is easily more temperamental. He has more initiative than Hajime. Kaigaku doesn't cling to Sensei unlike the younger children.

Sansa notices that he makes a point of being useful. Not unlike her in the beginning. He is most likely to tackle difficult tasks after Kotaro. He never complains, unlike Hideki. Almost as if he is trying to prove himself to the rest of them. He basks in compliments like a cat seeking sunlight. He had the biggest smile Sansa ever saw him doing the one time Sensei patted his head. Sansa makes a point to praise him every time he finishes a chore after that. Kaigaku would look at her each time, blue-green eyes flashing with joy, and Sansa thinks: lovely.

The next time Kotaro and Ui accompany Sensei to his visit to town, Kaigaku stares at their backs before turning at her, deep in thought. Perhaps, like her, Kaigaku has realized that they are meant to be a pair like Kotaro-and-Ui.

Sansa wonders if Kyouka has something similar going on with either Hajime or Hideki. Who will she turn to? The daring Hideki or the calm Hajime? Sansa hopes it will be Hajime. He never calls Kyouka a ninny. He won't start now. Hideki more likely will leave Kyouka behind rather than to stay and listen to her concern.

They never have a proper conversation, her and Kaigaku. Just the two of them. There are always chores to finish, little ones to watch over, moments where they get swept by and pulled to all directions. It's funny actually, how they never tell each other their thoughts despite living under one roof. There are too many lies between them. Truth is not welcomed in this family. Kotaro and Ui are determined to keep the illusion intact for Sensei's sake. Mother told Father the sweet words he wanted to hear. Instructed Sansa to do the same. Where did it get them in the end? Being a good girl didn't stop Father or Mother from dying.

To pull Kaigaku aside and tell him her concerns is the same as acknowledging that the lies aren't working anymore. It feels like disobedience. They used to go behind Sensei's back, but Kotaro-and-Ui? Even Hideki at his most difficult defer to both of them. If Kotaro and Ui learn of the rebellious thoughts Sansa harbors in her mind, she will be punished for daring to suggest that they should change the routine they are comfortable with. They will find that Sansa is not a good girl. And Kaigaku will get blamed as well. She will ruin all their hard work in one stroke.

Sansa can't do that to Kaigaku. He might resent her. She doesn't think she can stomach that. But Sansa can't do this alone either. Sansa needs someone she can trust and that someone is Kaigaku.

Kaigaku, who was the first to suggest that they should do something about their situation, only to get brushed off.

Kaigaku, who dared to glare at Kotaro, the oldest of their brood.

Kaigaku, who had seen the Not Good Girl Sansa and stayed anyway.

It has to be him.

The entire household is thrown into chaos when they find Sayo running a high fever one morning.

Sensei and Kotaro immediately set out to get a doctor. Ui ordered everyone to move out of the room to prevent the illness from spreading while she stayed with Sayo. The sight of Sayo limp in Ui's embrace is enough to upset Soroku and Toten both.

"Sayo-chan is going to die," Soroku pipes up when they walk down the hallway. Tears already welling up in his eyes. He must be remembering the time his father was ill.

"D-Die?" Toten repeat the word nervously. He was too young to remember the time Sensei's mentor passed away. They found a dead cicada on the ground on one hot summer afternoon and that's it. Death is not a stranger to some of them. Ui's family met their end in a sea of fire. Hajime watched his father waste away in sadness. Soroku's entire life has been coloured by death. Toten never struggled with mortality before. Sansa pities him. Sansa envies him.

"She's not going to die, stupid," Hideki snapped at the younger boys, though he doesn't sound convinced either. Sansa remembers that Hideki lost his guardian to an illness.

"It's just a common cold," Kyouka says in a placating tone. "The doctor is on his way. In the meantime, we should prepare something nutritious for Sayo-chan. How does chestnut rice sound?"

Soroku doesn't seem to hear her. "I saw a spider last night. Now Sayo-chan is dying. We should have killed it."

Hideki crosses his arms, "We don't have time for your stupid superstitions, Soroku."

Soroku glares at Hideki, which Sansa never seen him doing. "They're not stupid!"

Toten burst into tears. "Sayo-chan's gonna die!"

"Oi! No one is dying!" Hideki snaps at the two once more.

"Everyone, please," Hajime put himself between Hideki and Soroku. "Let's not argue right now. Sayo-chan wouldn't be able to rest if she heard us yelling."

Sansa put her arm around Toten's shoulder. The younger boy wraps his arms around her and buries his face in her kimono. "How about we go pray to Buddha after this?"

Toten looks up to her with teary eyes, "Okay."

The upside about Soroku's superstition is that he likewise has great faith in Buddha. He mumbles his agreement, still looking worried, but at least he stopped saying that Sayo will die. Hideki huffs and turns his back on them, walking away to who knows where. Probably to brood. Kyouka gazed upon his retreating back with a resigned look on her face before she announced that she will go cook now. Hajime trail behind her.

The remaining children head to the main hall in silence, save for Toten's sniffling. Kaigaku lights up the incense while everyone else sits down on the tatami floor.

Sansa remembers praying to Buddha day and night when Mother fell ill. It had been pure torture to see her get weaker each passing day. Sansa was her sole caretaker. She fed her, changed her clothes, combed her hair, everything. A neighbor with too many children, finally took pity on them and started showing up everyday to check up on Sansa and Usuzumi. Not for the first time, quite resentfully at that, Sansa wonders if Mother could have survived if they received help from the start.

It wasn't like that with Father. The last time Sansa saw him, he was venting to Mother as usual, when he began to cough. Father acted as if it was nothing serious. He patted her on the head like one would with a kitten on his way out and Sansa never saw him again. Father's sickness was swift. He was already so old. With Shinano money, they can get him the best doctors and most expensive medicine. They could admit him to the best hospital in the country. He passed away before they could bring him anywhere. It was over in a matter of days. Meanwhile Mother suffered for months.

Mother was a lovely person, in and out. Father was filthy rich and loved by many. Neither of them made it.

Sayo is three. Her favourite animal is rabbits. She likes it when her hand is being held. She only started learning how to use chopsticks. Sayo is too young to realize all the lies around her, the resentment boiling underneath, the harsh future that awaits all of them ahead. Most importantly, she is too young to die.

The gods are cruel, no matter how much Sensei preached of their fairness and grace. Gods who took Mother away from her are not kind. Maybe they are, but not always. Will the gods decide to be kind this time? Will they let Sayo live?

Sansa gazes up at the Buddha statue. Are the gods here or they just waste their time on a pale copy of them? Good girls fear the gods. Sansa fears them, yes, but right now she fears for Sayo more.

Sansa steals a glance at her companions. Soroku has his eyes closed, his lips never stop moving. Toten too has his eyes shut. Judging from the way he furrowed his brows, Toten must be praying hard in his head. Kaigaku keeps his eyes open. His gaze fixed upon the Buddha statue. He usually has his eyes closed if Sensei is present. Maybe he thinks that if he follows all rites correctly it will make Sensei like him. Or Kotaro to lay off his case. Maybe he doesn't really believe in Buddha or gods and only played along all these time for acceptance. He turns his head and their eyes meet.

If it were Soroku or Toten, Sansa would have smiled. If it were Sensei or Kotaro or Ui, Sansa would lower her head in compliance. Instead Sansa holds his gaze and doesn't smile.

I don't like this. I don't want Sayo to die. I'm worried for us. I'm scared.

Sansa doesn't say any of this, but then Kaigaku's stoic expression seemingly melted, replaced by a look of helplessness.

I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I want this to stop.

Sansa can hear him in her head. How she wishes she can smile and tell Kaigaku, tell everyone, that Sayo will live. But her mouth remains closed. If she tries to talk now, her voice will betray her now.

So she says nothing and just keeps looking at Kaigaku who has yet to turn away.

The gods remain silent.

Luckily, it is nothing serious. Sensei and Kotaro managed to get the doctor to the temple on time. The doctor diagnosed Sayo to suffer an illness called influenza. He prescribed her medicine and gave them strict instructions as to how to take care of her. It took some time, but under Ui's watchful eye, Sayo recovered from her illness and now is right as rain.

The same cannot be said to the rest of them, however.

To pay for Sayo's medicine, and the doctor, they used up their savings. That means no money to buy supplies. No supplies mean they will be unprepared for the upcoming winter. If they are unprepared then their lives will be at risk.

Kotaro and Ui sprung to action. The boys and Sansa go to the mountains almost everyday to forage and gather wood. Soroku adamantly refused to come, for he lost a sibling in the mountains, so Sansa volunteered in his place. Kotaro showed her, Kaigaku and Toten which plants are edible and which ones to avoid. Ui turned the temple upside down to find any scrap of clothes that could still be used. Kotaro and Hideki would spend the afternoons chopping wood while the girls preserved as much food as they could.

They are faced with an impossible choice. They could use the money they have left to buy what they need now but that leaves them with nothing afterward. The other alternative is to spend as little as possible so by the time winter arrives they will have enough funds.

Whatever choice they take, there is only hunger in the future. They have to decide how hungry they want to be.

Kotaro and Ui made the decision for them.

The smile is knocked off Sansa's face when she sees that their bowls are half filled with gruel on the first day. Not even a full bowl. Half. The only ones who have a bowl full of rice and side dish are Sensei and Sayo. The lack of garnish makes their meal look even more pitiful. The same thing happened during lunch and dinner that day. They have rice gruel again the next day, the day after that and so forth. They watched Sensei and Sayo enjoy a full meal every single time and must hold it in. Both hunger and vexation.

Sansa can understand Sayo. She just recovered from an illness on top of being the youngest. What she couldn't understand is why Kotaro and Ui insist on keeping up the ruse. They should have told Sensei about their predicament. Sensei is the oldest, the head of the family, the most educated in their group. He would understand. Sansa knows that he too will cut down his meal if they tell him that they need to save as much as they could. Yet Kotaro and Ui insisted on babying Sensei, and they are forced to follow their lead.

The first and last time they complained about this situation, someone ended up getting injured.

Hideki was the one who brought up the unfairness of it all. Kotaro snapped at that, followed by Ui. She will always take Kotaro's side. In a rare show of rapport, Hajime told the older kids that he agreed with Hideki. Kyouka wrung her hands nervously, too timid to take anyone's side. Her pleading for everyone to get along is ignored. Sansa and Kaigaku watch from the sideline with the little ones. The argument grew increasingly heated by the minute that Kaigaku looked ready to jump in in case someone threw a punch.

It was Kotaro.

He punched Hideki so hard that he knocked over the younger boy. Kyouya screamed and Hajime got between the two boys. Both Ui and Kaigaku hold Kotaro back before he can land another blow at Hideki or Hajime.

"If you don't like it here, then leave!" Kotaro screamed over Hideki's fallen form.

At that moment, Kotaro reminds Sansa a great deal of Shinano Taichiro.

Worst of all, Sensei completely believes that everything is alright.

No, nothing is alright. They are starving and miserable while Sensei gets to cry about baby birds and Buddha's blessings.

Sensei should have noticed that Hajime is uncomfortable around crying people.

Sensei should have realized Soroku needed explanations instead of spouting random quotes from the scripture because otherwise his paranoia will get the better of him.

Sensei should have been the one to put his foot down when Hideki acted out and not place the responsibility on Kotaro.

Sensei should have taken them seriously, they could have avoided this scenario had he listened to Kaigaku's suggestion.

Sensei should have known better than to take things for granted. Ui and Kyouka can't say no to him and now their eldest sister made sure that the rest of them can't say no either.

Sensei should have set up a better example because Toten's first response to everything is to cry.

Sansa is forever grateful for everything Sensei has done for her and Usuzumi. That doesn't mean all his faults will be forgiven. Obliviousness can only be excused for so long until someone gets hurt.

Someone always gets hurt in the end.

It was an accident.

Sensei and Kotaro left the temple to visit the town that day. Ui and Kyouka are outside putting up the laundry to dry off. Soroku spilled ink on the tatami floor earlier so he is in the middle of cleaning it. Hajime is helping him. Last Sansa saw him, Hideki was climbing up a tree with Toten and Sayo as spectators.

Sansa is planning to look for the temari ball Sayo had misplaced so they can play. When she slides open the screen door, she is greeted by the sight of Kaigaku with his arm inside the ceramic pot.

The same pot where they put all their money.

He froze when he spotted her standing there. They stared at each other for a long moment… Before Sansa closes the screen door behind her.

"Sansa," Kaigaku stood up. She can see his hand clutching onto something. The money. "Don't-"

"Tell?" Sansa finished it for him. "I never have any intention of doing so."

Kaigaku stares at her, disbelieving.

"I… I get it," Sansa speaks again after a few heartbeats. "We can't keep this up any longer. You must have noticed. There is something wrong with this place." Wrong doesn't even begin to describe it. Sansa doesn't know how else to put it. Maybe if she is a little older she can find the words. Still, she said it. She admitted out loud for someone to hear that the happy family Sensei believe them to be is nothing more than a lie.

The thing is, she is not all that surprised at this turn of events. It's hard to think about others when you feel empty. Didn't Sansa go to see her old house? She missed the life made possible by Shinano Ichiro when he was alive. What kind of unfilial daughter missed money more than her own father? Yet that's exactly what Sansa is. She can hardly blame Kaigaku for wanting to eat.

"Sensei is never going to get it," Kaigaku frowns. "I tried to be good but he… He just doesn't. It's all happening in front of him and Sensei never noticed. And Kotaro…" He trailed off.

"I know. I watched you," Sansa admits. She sees the way Kaigaku tense up. His eyes follow her every move like a hawk. He looks like he is ready to pounce. "You work so hard. You did all your chores. You never complained. You told Sensei that we should save money. You're good."

"Not as good as you," Kaigaku says bitterly. "I've been her longer but they like you more. It took me this long to get the others to accept me while all you have to do is smile and bat your eyelashes at them. You're not so different from me. But they love you more."

Her beauty definitely has everything to do with it. Sansa is lovely, and she makes herself so easy to love. "I'm sure that they care about you too, Kaigaku-kun…" She tries to appease him.

"No, they don't," Kaigaku replied curtly. "You weren't there. Kotaro would threaten to throw me out if I misbehaved everyday. Ui never let me out of her sight. Hideki called me a rat because I was dirty when I first arrived. They look down on me because I used to live on the streets. They are all convinced that I'm a troublemaker." He paused. His expression turned sour. "I just proved them right. If they find out, they are going to throw me out. So I'm leaving first."

"If you are as bad as they believed then I'm bad too," Sansa says. "I'm not always a good girl. I am as scared as you are. We are all liars here. That's what it takes to survive this place."

"Yeah, well. What good will it do if we are all going to just starve to death?" As if on cue, Kaigaku's stomach growled. Sansa winced in sympathy. The hunger must have hurt.

"Where will you go?" Sansa asks again when she realizes that Kaigaku is still willing to talk.

"I'll manage," Kaigaku replied. His next words are full of bitterness. "I always do."

"No one is going to starve," Sansa says. An idea began to form in her head. "No one is going to starve," She says again with conviction. "If I get us money, will you stay?"

Kaigaku leaving will hurt her more than hunger ever could. He is family. Sansa has claimed him along with everyone here as her family. Good girls look after their family. Sansa is a good girl.

Kaigaku narrowed his eyes. "Why?"

Sansa took a deep breath. "Because we are family. Sometimes families hurt each other, disappoint each other, or even hate one another. That is what happened to my old family. But there is a chance for things to get better, if we choose to take it. This family still has a chance. This is me taking that chance." She crossed the distance between them. Kaigaku is shorter than her despite them being the same age. Sansa takes his free hand. Kaigaku didn't pull away. "I'm choosing you. I feel braver when you're here with me. I do believe that this family can be happy… But only if you are part of it. I don't want to lose you, like I lose my mother."

Father chose her and Usuzumi. Mostly Mother. Mother chose her. Himejima-sensei chose all of them. Sansa chose Kaigaku. Now it is up to Kaigaku what, or more precisely who, to choose. If he still chooses to leave, Sansa promised to herself that she won't resent him for it.

Kaigaku looks at her as if she has sprouted two heads. "Aren't you angry at me? For stealing? For wanting to leave?" Then his volume dropped to a whisper. "Don't you hate me?"

"I won't lie. I'm upset." Sansa sees no reason to lie to Kaigaku. She doesn't want to lie to him, the only person who dared to share the truth with her. "Do I hate you? No, I don't hate you." Sansa willed herself to look into those blue-green eyes. "No matter what you choose, I will always think of you as my family. So, please. Trust me."

(Choose me.)

Kaigaku looks at her in a way she never saw him doing before. It's nothing like when Sensei or Sansa praise him. Yet his eyes lit up all the same. It's closer to wonder. It's more like relief. This is the face of someone who has been given something. Food is not the only thing Kaigaku hungers for, Sansa realized. He is hungry for love too, like her. He just doesn't know what love is supposed to look like. Good thing Sansa has plenty of love to give.

"...alright."

Sansa released the breath she didn't realize she had been holding. "Thank you." She pressed a kiss against his cheek. Kaigaku blushes furiously from his cheeks to the tips of his ears.

"I have a plan but it must wait until tomorrow," Sansa told him. "In the meantime, how about we go see if there are still any kaki fruits left in the woods?"

Kaigaku silently nods.

Sansa wait for him to put the money back inside the pot before she takes his hand again.

They only let go when the sky turn red and Sensei and Kotaro get back to the temple.

Sansa left the temple before everyone, Sensei included, woke up. She has no idea what hour it is right now, but since Sensei is yet to ring the bonsho, it must be very early. Sansa steps out of the room, careful not to make a sound. The success of her plan hinges on her not getting caught. When she gets outside, the sky is pitch black.

To descend the mountains in this darkness would be dangerous. Older, stronger people than her died. An eight year old girl like Sansa would not survive the trip. All she brought with her is a lantern, a shawl to cover her head with and a water gourd. This is madness. This is stupidity. This is about survival. Sansa risked catching the same disease that killed Usuzumi to stay with her. She will try her luck again.

What Sansa is doing is a gamble. She is putting her life at stake. Kaigaku's too. Sensei said that gambling is a form of debauchery. Sansa knows what that word means. Mother sold her body in the past and men like Father indulge in that sort of thing. Mother did what she had to do to survive.

What Sansa is about to do is not so different.

Hers is much easier compared to Usuzumi's whole life.

The sun is high up in the sky by the time Sansa returns to the temple. She is tired, famished and sweaty, yet she couldn't stop smiling. The victory tasted bittersweet in her mouth. But it is hard won and all hers. Sansa finds there is a certain enjoyment in it. That she defied the odds and emerged the victor.

"SANSA!"

Sansa looks up to see Kaigaku running towards her. He reaches for her and Sansa eagerly falls into his embrace. He buried his face in her shoulders. Up ahead, she can see the other children crossing the temple gates.

"Sansa!" "Sansa-chan!" "Sansa-nee!"

Their faces are a mixture of relief and surprise. Kotaro and Ui however… Their expressions are near identical in their anger.

Kotaro pushed Kaigaku away and grabbed her arm. "Where have you been?! We've been looking for you all morning!"

"I went to town," Sansa answered, careful not to wince. She won't falter at the feet of Shinano Taichiro. She won't falter here for Kotaro.

Ui's nostril flares. The sight reminded Sansa of the ogre statues at the temple. "Inside. Now."

Kotaro let go of Sansa. The moment he did so, Kaigaku rushed to her side. He holds her hand and turns to give Kotaro his most hateful glare yet. Kotaro already had his back turned though.

Sansa is not surprised with Kotaro's action. Had it been one of the boys, Kotaro would have hit them right on the spot. Sansa is spared from that because she is a girl and an obedient one at that. Until today that is.

"Where is Sensei?" Sansa whispers to Kaigaku as they get inside.

"Praying."

Of course.

Sansa doesn't need to ask if Sensei is aware that she left. He doesn't know. Kotaro and Ui will just come up with a lie if he ask them.

Kotaro don't waste any time as soon as they sit down on the tatami floor. "Explain yourself."

Kyouka, Soroku and Toten shrink from his gaze even though it is not directed at them. Kaigaku, who took the spot next to Sansa, glared at Kotaro on her behalf. The older boy definitely saw it this time.

Under the weight of Kotaro's and Ui's glares, Sansa smiles.

"I earned us money," She fish out an envelope from inside her kimono and place it in front of her. "Please use it for the next shopping trip."

"What?" Kotaro whispered in disbelief. Meanwhile Ui already moved to snatch the envelope. They watch as their eldest peek inside the envelope. "Sansa-" Kotaro looked at her, then at the envelope, and back to her again. "How did you-?"

Without saying a word, Sansa takes off her shawl.

Several gasps broke out in the room.

"Sansa…," Kaigaku whispers, unable to take his eyes off her shaved head. "What did you do?"

"The shop owner is more than happy to buy my hair. He gave me extra when I agreed to sheared off all of it." Sansa fights down the urge to touch her scalp. She is not completely bald, but the lack of weight on her head is not something she is used to. Yet. "This amount should be enough to see us through winter, I think."

The fury in Kotaro's eyes is completely gone now. "Why?"

Sansa doesn't look away, "Because we might starve to death and you refused to do anything about it."

Kotaro and Ui double back as if they just been slapped. Sansa might as well have. They have filled this place with so many lies that truth is starting to get foreign to them. To think that a holy ground would turn to a nest of deceit.

Ui blanched. "It's not as bad as you think."

Sansa levelled Ui a stare. "Do you actually believe that?"

The older girl opens her mouth, then closes it. Suddenly Ui find the floor much more interesting than Sansa.

The anger is back in Kotaro's eyes. They can hear it in his voice as well. "We're doing everything we can."

"I know you do," Sansa sweetly replied. "But it's not enough. You don't actually expect us to survive with just rice until spring, do you? What if the rice runs out? What then? You want us to live off snow? I don't think Sensei can handle that."

Sensei wouldn't allow it. By the time he realized that they run out of food, he will ask what else did they hide from him. The other children all obey Kotaro and Ui, yes, but they love Sensei more. The moment he asks, they will spill everything in a heartbeat. They all will be branded as liars, that is true, but at least they will still be alive.

"You don't have to go this far," Ui says, still not lifting her head.

"And yet here we are," Sansa says flatly. "It will take time for my hair to grow. We should do something before winter sets in. Then when spring comes we can think about earning more money." She can still feel the shop owner's hands on her scalp. His greedy eyes inspecting her body. It is not an experience she wants to repeat.

"You mean like finding work?" Hajime speaks up for the first time.

They all know that Sansa has a point. Kotaro is old enough to find an apprenticeship. Hajime's skillful hands will persuade craftsmen to consider taking him under their care. Even Sensei could go down the mountain everyday instead of just limiting himself to weekly trips.

There is a catch, however. In exchange for finding work, they must leave the temple indefinitely.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Kotaro shakes his head. "Who would watch over Sensei then? Or the younger kids?"

Is that the excuse he is going to use? He is using Sensei to dodge his responsibility? When Sansa sold part of herself, part of Mother, to feed the people living in this temple. He saw her lack of hair and thought to let the situation be? To do nothing?

"Then, next time I will let them fuck me and charge them." Sansa says with the sweetest, prettiest smile, knowing how sharp it'll land.

Kotaro sputters while Ui hissed "Sansa!" Kyouka covered her mouth in shock. Hideki and Hajime gaped at her. Sansa doesn't see Kaigaku's face but she feels his hand squeezing her tight.

Sansa continues. "Imagine that. A monk sells a child under his care because he can't afford to feed himself. What would the world think? What will you tell Sensei?" If Kotaro dares to use Sensei in an argument, then it's only fair for Sansa to do the same. "Sensei, Sansa is no longer with us because we had to sell her. Look at the bright side. We don't have to worry about putting food on the table." She says in mock cheerfulness. "Do you want that kind of ending?"

She got them now. Any hint of fighting spirit is gone from Kotaro's and Ui's faces. The other kids too hung their heads. Because of shame or discomfort, Sansa has no idea. Toten and Sayo look on in confusion. They are too young to know the meaning of the word fuck.

Sansa went this far to keep them alive. They have no choice but to listen. They owe her that. She could have taunted them more. Hit it where it hurts. Make them bleed for everything they've done. She won't do that.

Good girls don't hurt the people they love.

Their dinner that evening is properly cooked rice paired with a side dish. No one gets left out. The atmosphere becomes more cheerful as a result. Kotaro and Ui refuse to meet Sansa in the eye throughout mealtime. Sensei is oblivious, as usual. Sansa wonders if there's no limit to what he won't notice.

Sansa should have gone straight to sleep after dinner. She had a long day after all. Oddly enough she doesn't feel fatigued.

Staying inside means to be in the same room with the other kids. They wouldn't stop looking at her hair. She could join Sensei in his meditation. But Sansa is too angry at him at the moment. It might lead her to say things she can't take back. So the only choice left for her is to go outside. The moon is out tonight. It's a full moon at that.

Her nose caught a whiff of wisteria flower. Sensei must have put some outside. Sansa follows the scent. It eventually led her to the back corner of the temple. The censer is laid on the wooden platform. It has wisteria flowers engraved to it. Sansa wondered how much it cost. Sensei said the wisteria incense will drive evil away. Mother told her the same thing too. No matter how much they struggled, Mother never stopped using them. Even when she was sick Mother kept reminding Sansa to light the incense.

"Sansa?" She turned at the mention of her name. Kaigaku's head peek out from behind the wall. "What are you doing here?"

"I couldn't sleep," Sansa answers truthfully. "What about you?"

"I didn't see you inside, so I looked for you."

Sansa smiles. Kaigaku was the first to greet her when Sansa returned to the temple. "Were you waiting for me?"

"You gave us a fright this morning," Kaigaku plop down next to her. "We didn't- We never expected it from you, you know?" His eyes lingered on her head.

She touched the back of her head. It felt coarse under her fingertips. Her hair was never coarse before. "It'll grow back," Sansa reassures him.

"Why?"

She blinks. "Why what?"

Kaigaku's eyes lowered from the top of her head to her eyes, "You love your hair." Sansa always brushes her hair before she goes to sleep. The first and last time Sansa mentioned Usuzumi to all of them was when she told them that she inherited her hair from her mother. She never put them up like Ui and Kyouka, preferring to let it fall on her back like a curtain. "Why did you cut it?"

"Because it's the only thing I have," Sansa tells him. "The only thing my mother left me. Other than her beauty."

Usuzumi would understand. Her mother would commend on her bravery. For doing the right thing. For being a good girl.

"You were willing to cut your hair," Kaigaku whispers. "For someone like me?"

Sansa looks at him then. Kaigaku never tells them his past in detail. Sansa can only imagine what it's like; to be all alone. No parents, no siblings and no friends. He was abandoned by the closest thing he has as guardian. Sansa tries to picture Mother abandoning her. She couldn't. Kaigaku had been carrying that sort of wound all these time all while being starved for love. He is much stronger than Sansa.

"For you? I'll do it again," Sansa told him honestly. It's only hair. It'll grow back. People cannot be replaced.

Kaigaku swallowed thickly, "I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"For driving you to do this. For making you feel like you have to do this. For us." Kaigaku paused. "I feel like someone must apologize."

"If you want to blame someone, it's all Sensei's fault," Sansa says. Kaigaku blinks at her admission. "We shouldn't have suffered like this. We shouldn't have to be afraid to tell an adult. And yet." Himejima Gyomei is a good person, but he's not perfect. Far from it. Sensei once told them that evil could be born out of kindness. That is what's happening here, she thinks. Sensei's good intentions ended up causing them all sorts of trouble. And he is unaware of it all. "Failed. He failed." Sansa says after a pause. "Sensei should have done a better job."

Kaigaku doesn't say anything. There is no need for that. His expression says it all.

They sit there in silence, admiring the moon and enjoying the moment. If she was inside, she would be telling Sayo stories or singing to her. Cajole Toten to behave. Give Soroku sweet words to calm him down. She did something similar with Mother when she was alive. With Kaigaku she doesn't have to entertain him. Sansa decides that she likes this.

"Are you okay?" Kaigaku speaks again after a long while. "You had to go all on your own… You had to sell your hair. That's a lot. No one tried to hurt you when you went to town, did they?" His expression hardened at that.

Kaigaku's question brought memories from earlier today to the front of her mind. How her stomach pang with hunger because she didn't eat breakfast. Sansa ducking out of sight whenever she sees someone coming from the other direction. The shop owner had tugged her hair a little too hard. The feel of the razor being so close to her scalp almost makes her wet herself. Sansa forced herself to keep her composure the entire time. She had her precious hair taken away. Those people won't get her tears or smiles. Was it all worth it? Yes. Will she do it again? Yes. Is she happy about it? No.

"They wanted my mother. I always knew," Sansa says instead. "Her hair. Her smile. She's gone and I'm the next best thing. They want me. I know," The way the shop owner looked at her made her skin crawl. "I made a promise that I would never let them have it. No more silver hair and smiles. It's what I have left from her. It's my birthright." She ran a hand over her scalp. A sob threatened to escape from her lips. Sansa forced herself to swallow it. "I broke my promise. I'm-I'm not sorry. It was for survival. Mother would've understood. So why do I feel so wretched?"

Kaigaku pulls her to a hug. Sansa leaned her weight against him and he didn't budge. She can reveal everything when it's Kaigaku in front of her. Holding her close like this.

"It's not your fault," Kaigaku says as her sobs increased. "You did what you have to do, Sansa."

"I no longer look like her," Sansa sniffs. "I look ugly now."

"Ugly?" Kaigaku sounds genuinely taken aback there. He pulls back so he can take a good look at her. "Ugly? You? Sansa, you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Silver hair or not." Then he leans forward and places a kiss right where her forehead and hairline meet. "There."

Sansa stares at him for a moment, before a giggle bubble up in her chest. "You're pretty too, Kaigaku-kun."

His cheeks turned pink. "I'm a boy. We don't do pretty." He coughs. "When I grow up," Kaigaku starts. "I'm going to get a job. I'll buy everyone sushi and eel. I'll buy you new kimonos and hairpins. I'm going to make so much money that we don't know what to do with it. We're going to be happy."

Sansa wipes her tears with the back of her hand. "But I'm already happy right now."

Kaigaku blinks. "You do?"

"Yes," Sansa offered him a watery smile. "It's not- perfect- but it's mine. Ours. It meant something." She watches his face scrunched up. "Are you happy, Kaigaku-kun?"

Kaigaku looked at her long and hard. Like he did yesterday when Sansa caught him stealing money. What does happiness look like to Kaigaku? A full stomach? The warmth of a blanket? The praise upon his person while Sensei pat his head at the same time?

Then the crease between his eyebrows smoothened. Moonlight shines upon them and Kaigaku's eyes glitter like precious stones. He smiled at her, a true smile, not the fake ones he uses when they pretend around Sensei. It's lovely.

"You know what? I think I am."

Yes, they are going to be alright.

I am not bashing Himejima here. We are looking through the POV of a child after all.

Thank you for reading

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Himejima means well but he ended up unknowingly putting the older kids through parentification. Sooner or later the strain poverty put upon their family will be too much. Or maybe they will be able to handle it. I guess we will never know.

Thank you for reading

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