A/N: I can't tell you how happy your reviews make me. I know we're all anxious to see what's gonna happen between Liv and Elliot now that he's back in her life, but I'm very excited to find that I'm not the only Rolivia shipper around.
I love them both and if you ever feel like something is OOC, please let me know so I can fix my mistakes and improve my writing.
Now, this IS a Rolivia fic, but he is back and just like in the show, it'll be impossible for Liv to ignore it/him. Now that I've had some time to think about what I want for this fic I think it's safe to say that there will be a few bumps in the road. Some minor and some major, for both our girls. I've changed the rating to M, cause I would have to do it eventually anyway. But don't worry, I'm not planning on turning this into a smut fest (just when the smut helps the plot).
Ok, back to the story. And remember: Trust the process!
Time was a funny thing. Sometimes a couple of hours could fly by so fast it felt like a few seconds, and sometimes, like now, a few seconds could feel like a lifetime.
Amanda sat frozen in her corner of the couch as she watched Olivia's reaction.
Ask me to kiss you again.
It might've been risky and a little presumptuous, but Amanda had been tiptoeing around this, around Olivia, for too long now. And god knows Amanda did not usually tiptoe around anything.
No, Amanda Rollins jumped into everything, usually head first and eyes closed. Always better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. Right?
When the brunette finally started to move, Amanda held her breath in anticipation. There was a tingling sensation on her hands and face and when Olivia straddled her she wondered if it was a hallucination or if this was actually happening.
"Kiss me again."
Oh, it was definitely happening.
This time the kiss wasn't slow or gentle. It was needy, open mouthed and just the perfect amount of frantic.
Amanda moaned as she wrapped her arms around the other woman's waist, pulling her in, and as close as possible.
Her hands moved from her neck and down her back, she hesitated but only for a second before she placed them on her hips.
Olivia's fingers ran through blonde strands of hair and the sensation caused goosebumps to appear all the way from Amanda's wrists and up to her shoulders. "Fuck..."
It wasn't that she was against the occasional one night stand, but over the years, she had fallen into bed with too many people that she didn't really love, Jesse and Billie being evidence one and two. The thought of committing to just one thing, one person, scared her more than any serial killer ever would. She would rather be stuck in a prison cell with someone like Gregory Yates than to explore the possibilities of actually being in love. But now that Olivia's hands were on her neck, and her tongue was in her mouth, Amanda found that maybe it wasn't so terrifying after all.
"Touch me." Olivia mumbled against Amanda's lips, interrupting her chain of thoughts and short analysis of her own commitment issues.
Amanda happily obliged and slowly moved one hand up the brunette's side as she felt her breaths getting heavier and shorter for every inch closed between her hand and Olivia's breast.
Just as Olivia's hips started to rock against her lap and she was about to let her fingers ghost over a hard nipple covered only by a bra and a thin T-shirt, the sound of footsteps appeared somewhere behind them.
"Mama?" A tiny and husky voice said.
"Shit." Olivia whispered right as she jumped back and off Amanda, causing her to land in a somewhat awkward position with her big, brown eyes looking at Amanda and then at the five year old now standing between them and the kitchen.
"What is it, baby?" Amanda said a little too fast while she raked her fingers through her now messy hair.
"I need to pee."
"Ok, let's go." Amanda got up and casually tried to straighten her shirt while ignoring how bad her legs were trembling.
"Were you tickling aunty Livia?"
Amanda could hear Olivia stifle a laugh behind her and turned around to glare at the woman still seated on the couch.
"Yes, honey, that's exactly what we were doing."
"Why didn't she laugh?"
Christ.
"Come on, let's go pee."
When Jesse was finally back on the spare mattress that Olivia had pulled out for the occasion, Amanda closed the door and leaned against it for a short moment before she walked back into the living room and rejoined Olivia.
"I swear, that kid... She's like me and my sister wrapped into one very tiny person."
"She's adorable. You do make cute kids, Rollins."
"Yeah." Amanda couldn't stop the grin from spreading across her face.
"So... Do you think she saw something?"
"Nah, she told me I shouldn't tickle you unless you wanted me to."
"Oh my god." Olivia laughed. "Well, she's definitely raised by an SVU detective."
Amanda nodded slowly while reaching for her beer. "Sorry we got... interrupted."
"Me too." Olivia gave her a short smile before clearing her throat.
"It's getting late."
"Yeah, about that." The blonde placed her beer back on the table. "I'll take the couch tonight. I mean, not that I thought you wanted anything else, or expected anything else. But just, in case the kids wake up and,"
"Amanda, I get it." Olivia interrupted and chuckled a little at the word salad that came flying out of Amanda's mouth. "It's probably best. It's not that I don't want to, but you know, taking our time and all."
Amanda nodded, suddenly feeling like she was taking part in a formal business conversation, like they should shake on it. We are not sleeping with each other tonight. Deal? Deal.
When she was finally situated on the couch with an unreasonable amount of blankets that Olivia had insisted on because "it get's freaking cold in here", sleep didn't come until two hours later when she was maxed out on overthinking, imagining worst case scenarios, and then candy crush lives.
In the bedroom not far from her, a certain brunette was having similar problems but for different reasons.
"It's late." She said with a low voice.
"I know, I just... I wanted to apologize."
"You've been doing that a lot lately."
"I know. I keep screwing up."
"You're allowed." She sighed into the phone.
"Why are you practically whispering? Is someone there?"
She didn't appreciate the hint of jealousy in his voice. "Uh, yes, actually. Amanda brought her girls over for a sleepover with Noah, she's asleep in the living room."
Olivia had no idea why she had added that last part. It wasn't like he suddenly had an open invitation into her life after all this time.
"Oh, ok. Well, can we meet one day to talk, really talk? Tomorrow?"
Olivia closed her eyes and pinched the top of her nose. "Can I text you in the morning?"
"Sure." Even after ten years, she could still recognize his smile through the phone.
"Ok. Good night, Elliot."
"Night, Liv."
As soon as she hung up, she threw her phone to the foot of the bed.
She had a sudden urge to scream and break things, to throw her plates and wine glasses against the wall while crying out words that were in no way becoming of an SVU captain. And for a few seconds she desperately wished to be all alone in her apartment. No kids, no Amanda.
It was just too much. When she closed her eyes she could still feel Amanda's hands on her body, and those soft lips against her own. But she heard his voice, that voice she had once loved, now sounding so broken and lost.
Too much. Too much. Too fucking much.
She curled up on her side and cried silently until sleep eventually took over and gave her tired mind a few hours of much needed peace and quiet.
When she woke up the next morning, the familiar smell of coffee filled her bedroom. She could hear low voices coming from the living room and for a few seconds her heart pounded in her chest until her brained reminded her that it was only Noah and their guests.
Welcome home, detective.
Ever since Lewis, her senses were always heightened, especially late at night and early in the morning. The nightmares were few and far apart now, but she had long since accepted that unfamiliar sounds in her own home would probably always cause some kind of reaction.
Willing herself to calm down, she turned on her back and breathed slowly in and out a few times before she got up and padded towards the door.
"Good morning." Amanda smiled as she looked up from where she was seated with Billie on her lap who was deeply concentrated on getting the pieces of banana from the plate and up to her mouth.
Olivia returned the smile and leaned against the doorframe. She glanced over to the couch where Noah and Jesse were sharing a blanket, watching morning cartoons, completely oblivious to the world around them.
Suddenly she remembered the intrusive thoughts that had plagued her brain the night before. That desperate need to be alone. She felt a pang of guilt, and then an irrational need to apologize to everyone in the room. I didn't mean it! Right now, she didn't know if she had ever been so grateful to wake up and find that she most definitely was not alone.
"Did you sleep?" Amanda asked before steeling a piece of banana from her daughter who eyed her a little suspiciously.
"Eventually." Olivia did a little stretch before she walked over to the kitchen counter where she found a cup with fresh coffee in it. "This for me?" She asked before giving Amanda a grateful smile.
"Mhm."
"You should've woken me, didn't mean for you to deal with the Brady bunch here all on your own."
"They didn't make me second grade detective for nothing, Benson." Amanda winked at her playfully and Olivia was sure she could feel her heart literally skip a beat.
"No, they certainly did not." She eventually managed to respond.
After a few battles with children having an acute case of separation anxiety, Amanda and her entourage was finally packed up and ready to go.
"Ok, say thank you to aunty Livia for letting us stay."
"Thank you aunty Livia." Jesse said with a little puff at the end.
Just as Amanda was about to turn around and walk out the door, Olivia grabbed her elbow and pulled her in for a hug. Amanda couldn't really return it with her hands full, but she leaned into it and let herself savor the short moment.
"I'll text you later." Olivia whispered against her ear before placing a kiss on her cheek that lasted just long enough to make Amanda a little wobbly in her knees.
She was still blushing when she and the girls exited the building a couple of minutes later.
"So, did you have fun with Jesse and Billie?" Olivia asked Noah who had been quick to grab her iPad to play with once the guests had left.
"Yeah, I like Jesse. And Billie too, but she doesn't talk much."
"No, but knowing her mama she'll be talking nonstop very soon."
"I like aunty Amanda, too." Noah said without moving his eyes from the screen. "You smile more when she's here."
Olivia stopped cleaning Billie's leftover bananas off the table and looked up.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know, you laugh more."
"Huh."
"Can they come here and have sleepovers every weekend, mom?"
"Oh, I don't know about every weekend but I'm sure they would love to do it again sometime." I know I would.
She stared at her son and wondered what else he had picked up on. Deciding not to push it any further she simply walked over to him, ruffled his curls and sighed. "You're growing up too fast, sweet boy."
After battling an internal war for a while she finally called Lucy and asked if she was free to babysit a couple of hours in the afternoon. She felt bad for calling her on short notice on a Sunday, but she needed to get this conversation over with, and bringing Noah along to meet Elliot was definitely not an option.
She had seen it in his eyes that day when they met in the park, that Elliot was dying to meet her son, but it was too soon. At some point he might've been the most important person in her life, but a lot had changed in the ten years that he'd been gone.
When she walked into his hotel she was annoyingly nervous and she spent the entire elevator ride trying to calm herself down with her eyes closed.
"Where's Eli?" She asked when she entered his hotel suite.
"Staying with some friends this weekend, I think he's going crazy hanging out here all the time." Elliot threw his arms out before walking over to the kitchen area.
"Drink?"
Olivia considered going for the safe option of staying sober, but something told her this conversation would require a little more courage than her sober self had to offer.
"Sure."
As he handed her the glass of scotch, she looked around to assess the most comfortable places to sit and eventually opted for the chairs next to the big window. Her therapist had called her on it once, her need to be in control in every room and every situation. But like so many other times, she had shut it down. "It's a habit that comes with being a detective for more than two decades." She had said, knowing full well that it had much more to do with her trauma than anything else.
It wasn't lost on her how awkward this felt and how much of a contrast it was compared to their effortless partnership all those years ago. She thought back to when she returned from her undercover stint in Oregon and how weird things had been between them. Still, it wasn't anywhere near the detachment she felt between them now. And after Oregon she instinctively knew it was fixable, this time she wasn't so sure.
"Look," He started as he sat down in the other chair. "I'm really sorry for what I said about Tucker. I had no right."
"No, you didn't." She simply stated before taking a sip of the brown liquor that burned her throat.
Elliot leaned back in the chair and eyed her for a few seconds. "Tell me about Noah." His voice was softer now and there was a small and familiar smile on his face that made it so incredibly hard to hate him.
She took a deep breath as she felt herself give in to his request for glimpses into her life.
"It's a long story, but I was working when I found him in 2014. He was just an infant then and ended up in the system when we couldn't locate his biological parents. We stumbled upon his biological mother during another case, but it... It didn't end well. She was killed when she agreed to testify."
She took another sip then, as a disguise to swallow the lump that had formed in her throat while thinking about Ellie and her terrible fate.
"Noah was still in the system, and in and out of foster homes when the judge overseeing his case asked if I wanted to foster him. And many months and lots of paperwork later, I adopted him."
"That's great, Liv."
"Langan was actually Noah's legal representation through it all."
Elliot's eyes widened. "Langan? The defense attorney? You hate him."
"People change, Elliot. A lot of things change in ten years."
She hadn't meant for it to sound so harsh, but she didn't sweat it either. Might as well let him know how I feel.
"I know." He looked down at the glass in his hands. He opened his mouth to speak again but stopped himself.
"So, that's the story of Noah." She said before emptying her glass. She was drinking too fast, but her nerves were still not under control and so without really thinking she held it out, implying without words that she wanted a refill.
Elliot eyed her for a second before getting up to get the bottle. Olivia had always enjoyed the occasional beer and glass of wine, but she had never been a heavy drinker. He knew better than most what her childhood had been like, and how her mother's death had affected her. It worried him that she now drank with a certain distant look in her eyes.
He wanted to keep his mouth shut, he really did, but while he was pouring her second glass it still slipped out. "Maybe stop after this."
She glared up at him then. "Seriously, Elliot? You're lecturing me now?"
He sat down the bottle and held up his hands. "No, you're right. I'm sorry."
"No, go ahead. If you have something you want to say, say it."
He dragged a hand over his face, too many emotions running through his veins at the same time to gain control of his words.
"You just... You look miserable, Liv. You probably work too much, and you're a single mom, and I'm... I guess I'm just worried about you that's all."
Olivia couldn't believe what she was hearing. She stared him down before emptying the glass in one big swig and placing it so hard on the table between them the sound made him flinch.
She closed her eyes for a short moment before she locked eyes with him again. Blue eyes carefully studying her, waiting for something, anything to happen.
When nothing did, he reached his hand out and closed it around the fingers that clung to the empty glass. "Liv…"
She let his hand rest there for just a few seconds before she pulled her hand away and got up from the chair. She took a few steps and with her back turned she asked with a trembling, husky voice.
"May 2013, where were you?"