Chapter Two - "A Growing Girl"

"25 November, HG 75.

It's been a week or two since my moment with Dawn. I honestly miss her so much...Ahem...A-hem! Sorry, I have sniffles.

Mother isn't letting me see her whatsoever and I haven't seen her at all since then, what, with school being via teleconference and her camera always being off, I fear I'll never see her again even though we live right across the street! Her blinds are closed, sometimes I lie awake at night to see if she'll poke out, but she doesn't anymore.

Father gave me a stern talking to on the phone the other day. He says what I did "isn't natural" and that its "Wrong"...I'm so confused. What did I do wrong? How...How is it wrong if I feel good about it?

I'm really, really annoyed at Mother. Nothing really feels the same anymore. She always watches me with a weird look, as if I'm crazy or something. "I'm concerned about you." She said to me...I'm drawing a blank. I just hope that I can see Dawn again."

...

"So you like Dawn? As in wanting to hold hands and kiss her...?"

I sigh. I lie on an uncomfortable brown leather recliner in a sage green room adorned with fancy Panempedias and the like. My eyes drift from the intricate chandelier hanging overhead to the bookish man sitting across from me in a love seat. He's nice enough, but he's constantly trying to pry into my mind. It's like a game of checkers, he'd ask a question and I had to sit down and truly think about an answer before giving him one, unless I slip up and tell him how I truly feel about something.

When I don't answer him, he shrugs while smiling. "It's a tricky subject, really. It's normal at this age to have urges-"

"Yeah yeah yeah," I stammer, waving my hands in an attempt to cut him off. I'm not comfortable in having anymore 'talks' with people. Mother and school have already made me squeamish about it all. I'd rather just let things like that hit me when they come.

Dr. Silverman chuckles softly. "You're a growing girl, Emery! Puberty is rapping at the door, if it isn't already in," he replies. "You'll feel and do things now that you might laugh at - and regret - once you're older."

That's the problem. I don't 'regret' anything. I don't make my feelings known, though. Instead I just listen and nod along like the dumb little girl he and all the other adults think I am.

"Your mother says the incident with Dawn isn't the only thing that concerns her," Dr. Silverman continues, scrolling through his holopad. A grin appears on his lips as I frown. "I think you know what I'm talking about."

"I don't trust you," I say. The constant mentioning of Mother makes me think he's an informer and not a friend. Grownups constantly talk about each other behind their backs, if Mother's parading around the house with her cordless phone while chatting loudly is enough to go on.

"I'm a friend, Emery." he says softly while looking me squarely in the eyes. "Everything, like I said, is strictly between you and me."

"My Avox died...In the summer time. It-" I shake my head, removing my glasses as I set them onto the nearby table, pluck some tissues and dab my eyes. Mamie was a good Avox, so she deserves respect. "-She was sick so they had to put it - her - down."

Dr. Silverman jots down the information. Though he hides it good, like most grownups he has a certain look on his face - as if what I'm saying is silly. "Emery, it's just an Avox," he says with a slight shake of the head. "You could always get a replace-"

"Don't call her an 'it', please," I snap back, rising from off of the recliner halfway. The Doctor quirks a brow, observing me and jotting down on his datapad while I return myself back down onto the recliner. "I've had her ever since I was a baby...With Mother and Father always gone Mamie was the only one there for me. She would read to me, even though she had to do it though a machine thingy, as well as always listening to what I had to say..."

Dr. Silverman shrugs while he does his note-taking. "I guess some Avoxes are the exception to the rule."

"I think that's true," I reply, my anger slowly going away. No matter what anyone says, she was a good person even if she did do something bad in her past.

Dr. Silverman turns on his holovision and my eyes immediately glue onto the images projected on screen. An episode of District Heroes is on, showcasing loyalist families throughout Panem...Well, what's left of them at least. Triti Lancaster of District 9 and her family are in the spotlight for continuing to process food to ship to the Capitol via armored trains with cannons on them and hovercrafts. I imagine this was filmed a little bit back, as the Rebels are everywhere.

"I hear you're the top of your grade when it comes to social studies."

I nod. Every year we get merit badges for things such as high attendance and class honors. I would always claim the geography award and history too. "I love social studies."

"So I imagine you have quite a lot to say about this war going on, don't you?"

"I'd like it to end very soon, so we can continue on living," I reply.

My mind immediately flashes back to Victoria DeWynter's brother, Richard. Everyone called him Dick. I remember Mrs. DeWynter's lost expression throughout the entire thing as she clutched a portrait of her fallen son. Father is aiding in the defense of the northeast. What happens if he dies? As annoying as she can be sometimes, I couldn't bear to see how Mother would react to such news.

"I miss my father very much...I'm...I'm terrified for him. The Rebels fight like dogs. Who's to say they won't blow up the mountain he's based in like they did the dam in District 5?"

"I could only imagine how anxious this all makes you feel." Dr. Silverman replies while nodding. "The Capitol has been through this before, Emery. You needn't worry."

After a few more minutes of chatting about my grades and how my membership in the Young Nationalist Organization is going, I find myself pumping Dr. Silverman's hand and returning to the clinic lobby so he could speak to Mother. Upon seeing us she fixes me with a strained grin that's been seen ever since that night with Dawn. I hate it so much.

"Who picked who's brain in there, I wonder?" Mother asks with a quirked brow.

Dr. Silverman chuckles while clapping me gently on the back. "Surprisingly, we each walked away with something I think," he replies. "Mrs. Smithson, if you could follow me?"

When mother rises to follow, I pretend to occupy my time by staring at the ornate fish tank in the center of the room. I debate staying to hear about PBC's Marceline Devereaux's report on the defense of District 1, but instead I find myself slinking back into the hallway where Dr. Silverman's office is. Like a weary tribute, I skulk towards his door and lay an ear against the cool surface.

"...Concerned for her is all," I hear Mother say.

"It's natural at this age," the Doctor replies. "...At thirteen will be a different person...Night and day difference by eighteen."

"...Understand that there's a lot going on..."

"...An emotional time for all...A growing girl...Amplifies everything exponentially..."

Hearing a door open nearby, I rush from the corridor and take the nearest seat in the lobby, ignoring the woman beside me who seems to be staring into my soul with a knowing smile on her lips. I fidget with my communicuff and try to hone in on the words of Marceline, but I can't. "Concerned", "Natural at this age" so basically, I let my feelings be known for nothing? To them I'm just a little girl, acting out because I'm 'growing up'. What if I'm completely normal? And that my feelings are not out of the blue but true.

When Dr. Silverman and Mother emerge from the office, chatting as if they were old friends from school, I remain distant until they say their goodbyes and Mother takes me by my shoulder and we leave the clinic proper.

...

"Emery?"

We're in the car now, on our way home. As I gaze out the window, I'm quite surprised that people are still carrying on business even though the Rebels were coming ever so closer to us. I know this because Peacekeepers were everywhere, even out here in Bountiful - a little ways away from the City Circle. It's a stark difference from the skyscrapers of Downtown. It's greener for one. Out here the roads are wide and spacious. The houses are nearly identical - painted white with black trimming. And instead of gargantuan malls, we had neat little plazas with the stores side-by-side of one another. I sorta like it. Though I would very much prefer to live in the City Circle where all the celebrities lived. I will, when I get older. I'd live in a penthouse and stroll the old Corso - the Training Center now - interviewing the Capitol's best and brightest. Then when I have the chance, I'd step from out of the confines of the Capitol and into the districts. There are probably plenty of people to speak to out there.

"Emmy?" Mother calls me again, her brown eyes locking onto mine from the rear view mirror. My focus on the other hand is squarely on the open field that is known as Ravinstill Park. A squad of Peacekeepers were assembling a cannon right there in the middle. It's T-shaped with two guns on either side of it. It swivels so fast on its pedestal I move from the back window to the rear window just to see it in action one more time.

I quickly turn back and sit properly on the seat, meeting Mother's flickering eyes once more,"Yes Mother...?"

"I sent you to see Dr. Silverman not because I...not because I'm trying to punish you..."

"I know," I reply. "You're 'concerned' about me."

"Hey, you make it seem like that's a bad thing. It's not," Mother replies sternly. "You're a smart girl, Emmy. Just the other day you were a baby in my arms and now look? You're growing so fast, too fast if you ask me. I don't want you getting hurt because you're on one level and the other kids are elsewhere."

"I understand," I lie. Well, I wouldn't call it a 'lie'. Dawn is just as smart as I am. I think I'm smart, I know I'm smart. Dawn likes me. We didn't trick each other into kissing.

"Good." Mother replies, grinning as she returns her attention back to the road. "I know I haven't been around for the past couple of weeks but with this war going on, court work is in short supply. With a certain special day coming up, you and I will have ample time to...Oh, what's this?" Mother applies pressure to the breaks, causing me to lurch slightly forward. I peer from over the bench seats up front to see that we're in line before a Peacekeeper station set up on the road.

"It looks like the war is making its way to Bountiful..." she muses.

I say nothing, watching the Peacekeepers saunter on the big concrete blocks they erected until it was our turn to be inspected. Mother puts her window down as a Peacekeeper lowers his 'face' into view. He's wearing the new armor, so his face is encased in a helmet shrouded by a black visor.

"Good morning, officer," Mother beams.

"Roll all your windows down and pop open your trunk." The Peacekeeper replies in a mechanical tone. Come to think of it, they did look like robots. I think it must be the helmet that makes him speak that way.

"Sure thing..." Mother replies wearily, complying with the order as each window whirs down. It's then that I notice that another Peacekeeper is circling our car, waving a stick underneath it while a dog sniffs around as well. "What's all the hubbub?"

"Just some precautions ma'am, one can never be too sure," the Peacekeeper replies. "Show me your identification passes. Do you have any electronics on board? I'll need those too."

"Of course," Mother replies, fishing through her purse to get the items asked for. "Emery, show the man your communicuff please."

"Okay," I chime back, unlatching the gauntlet from my hand as I shimmy over to Mother's side of the car. I notice that in the middle of his helmet, there are three white hooks pointing upward with the National Emblem below it. "Good morning, Sergeant," I greet. Plenty of cartoon characters have the same rank he has, so I must be right. "What are you going to do with my communicuff?"

"I'm making sure you don't have anything that you shouldn't." he replies, turning to Mother. "Mom, open your glove compartment."

"Do we have anything to worry about?" I ask him.

"Are you talking about the war or right now?" he asks, his tone strained yet playful. "In both cases, no. You have nothing to worry about. Me on the other hand...I have plenty." he hands me back my communicuff. "You're free to go, Mrs. Smithson. Enjoy the rest of your morning and day."

...

"29th November, HG 75

Everything is changing so quickly...Father hasn't called ever since Dawn happened. He is fighting a war, after all. It's only been a few days since the visit to Dr. Silverman and the boundary between the Capitol and the Loyalists against the Rebels grew ten times larger in the Rebels' favor! Apparently we - the Capitol - have an ace in the hole in the form of a place the Rebels call "The Nut". It's where we keep a vast majority of our military power...I'm not sure how long they'd last or how the Rebels will beat us.

...I still haven't seen Dawn and it's driving me crazy! Since Mother tried to explain nicely the other day, I thought I'd ask if I could speak to the Fong family and try and say sorry. She didn't allow it, though.

I can't get her out of my brain. Is she thinking about the situation as much as I am? She must be."

...

Since being let out from the doctor's office, and having no scheduled classes, it was only past noon and there have been no updates on the news about the war besides more District Heroes. Tired of being in my house all day long, I decide to head over to the park to clear my head. I beat back Mother's concerns every step of the way from me putting on my boots, petting our cat goodbye and heading out the door. I make sure to avert my gaze from Dawn's house as I take to the sidewalk and head down to the park. It's not far away. My house is basically a window into a beautiful valley system, which means I'm never detached from nature.

A lot of people are here, judging by the cars and the couples pushing strollers along. With most of the casual stores closed and some jobs having no work, it makes sense. It only makes sense that Mrs. Fong is here as well. I spot her under the famous giant oak tree just before the field proper. As soon as we find each other's eyes, I feel compelled to go over to her. I notice that Dawn and I's friends' mothers were here as well. Mrs. Fong says something to them as two of them turn and grin at me. I don't like the way they eye me. Did Mother say something to them, or did Mrs. Fong say something?

"Hello Emery," Mrs. Fong greets with that same grin, crossing her hands over her chest. "What are you doing here all on your lonesome?"

"Hi Mrs. Fong," I greet, opting to smile out of politeness and politeness alone. "I thought I would come down and clear my head." I hold my grin as the three of them laugh at me in the typical grown up way, their heads lifting backward as they chuckle lightly as if they were skipping across a field of lilies.

One of the women shakes their head. "You're a child, what's there to clear?"

"If you think your head is clouded now, wait until you get older," Mrs. Fong replies. "How is mom doing? I ought to pay her a little visit - catch up a little."

"My mother is doing okay." I reply, my eyes focused on the ground below me before I muster the courage to look up to the elder woman. "...I'm sorry about Dawn's birthday, Mrs. Fong."

The smile she wears is welcoming, but there's something in her eyes that don't exactly sit well with me. Even her friends share the same expression, giggling among themselves. I wonder if she blabbed to them about the whole thing as well and conclude that she obviously did. Grownups were good at gossiping, if watching my Mother hasn't shown me.

"You're a smart girl, Emery. A little too smart if you ask me." she chimes, though nothing was jovial in her tone. "A word of advice, from one girl to another?" I nod. "Childhood is a lovely experience. If you grow up too fast, nothing will be new to you anymore. And that makes for a bitter woman."

"You should learn anything about everything to be the best that you can be." I recite, remaining calm as they chuckle lightly once more.

"And who told you that?" Mrs. Fong asks with a quirked brow.

"My father," I beam in reply, ignoring their grins. The five second silence feels like too much so I ask "Is Dawn here, may I hang out with her?"

"But of course," she replies, nodding off toward the field, "She's with your other friends, further in the field."

I adjust my eyeglasses. Other friends...? I waste no time staying with those harpies. Instead I make my way towards the middle of the field where just below the cluster of trees, Dawn sits down with Victoria, Persephone, Nevaeh alongside a dozen more boys and girls from our school. I'm flush with heat as I continue to make my way towards the picnic table. Why wasn't I invited? It's Evan Morrissey who notices me first, yelling "Hey, it's Emery!" as everyone turns my way and cheers my name. The cheers and smiles bring little comfort as to why I didn't know everyone was here. I think it's quite rude. Aren't I a friend too? It isn't just that either - it's Dawn. I'm elated when she holds my gaze and grins at me.

"Hey guys!" I greet, taking a seat right at the edge next to her.

"What happened to you, Emery?" Victoria asks, rising from her seat as all eyes remain trained on me. Dawn on the other hand has the back of her head toward me as she draws lazy circles into the wood of the table. I feel heat rise to my cheeks all while I try my hardest not to explode on her. Must she always be such a loudmouth?

"Nothing, everything is okay," I reply.

"Are you sure...?" she replies, tilting her hips to the side. "'Cause it didn't seem like everything was okay and Dawn is avox quiet about the whole thing even now..."

Adrian Coulter pokes his head from the opposite side of the long table, flashing us a gap-toothed grin.

"What happened!?" he calls out like the dullard he is. "What happened?!" He has ears like radar dishes.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah who cares about your stupid girl stuff. You guys can talk about that crap later!" Evan is talking now, saving me from the building embarrassment Victoria was putting me under. "I knocked on your door, but your brother said that you were away..."

I sigh. Clancy you clot. "My brother didn't tell me, I came here by myself," I reply.

Evan grins. "Well, I'm glad you joined us, 'cause we're about to play manhunt!"

"Woo, heck yeah!" I cheer, pumping my fist.

Freeze tag, octopus tag, any tag was a good game. Manhunt was the mutt's roar. If you were a hider, that is. I hate being 'it'. Once we all debate where the boundaries are set, Victoria gathers us around into a gargantuan circle as we each take one foot and bunch them together.

Evan glances over at Victoria and says, "Alright Vicky, take it away!"

"Ookay..." she replies with a shrug. I take my eyes off of Dawn to focus on the DeWynter child. She always has the best jingles.

There's a Rebel in the grass
With a bullet up his ass
Take it out, take it out
Like a good girl scout!

Victoria's red-tipped finger lands on a blue canvas tennis shoe. "Adrian, you're it!"

That permanent grin on his lips falters when everyone begins to jeer and giggle. "Damn."

"Everyone has their communicuffs, right?" Evan asks, smiling when everyone flashes their wrists showcasing their own wrist gauntlets. "Okay, get on the app and prepare to connect in three...two...one...There we go!" he turns to Adrian now, who wears a tired frown. "You ready to go, Adrian?"

Hands in his pockets, Adrian kicks at the grass. "Yeah...I guess..."

"Good, now lie down and count to a hundred. If you peek, I'll bop you one!"

"Yeah yeah yeah..." Adrian mumbles, flopping to the ground. "ONE...TWO...THREE...FOUR...!"

That's our cue. As my fellow schoolmates scatter like tributes after raiding the cornucopia, I immediately look for Dawn only to find her running off hand-in-hand with Evan. I feel myself flushing with heat again. Dawn was always my partner when it came to manhunt. Now she's off with him? She barely even looked at me the whole time I was here. Keeping them in my sight all the while, I trail after them, dipping into the woods a few feet behind them. If I did have the misfortune to be 'it', catching the other guys could be as easy as pie because they were so loud. With their clumsy feet and loud breaths, they don't use their eyes, ears and size like I do. It's no problem to inch my way towards the two of them, using the trees and the shrubs to hide my approach. I pause, watching with envy as the two of them - still holding hands - giggle with each other while keeping a lookout for Adrian. I don't like it one bit. Didn't she miss me, after days of not seeing one another? And of all the boys to be hanging around with, why Evan Morrissey? Sure he's cute, but he's so cliché.

I make my presence known, rushing toward them with the intent of scaring them out of their socks. It works, Evan and Dawn squeal and jump upwards only to sigh when they notice it's me.

"Hi Dawn," I say, offering her a leveled look.

"Hey Emery..." she replies, smiling in a way that her eyes don't exactly meet the smile.

"Emery, I'm glad you're not it or else we'd be done for sure!" Evan hisses.

I look at Evan and grin. At least he's humble enough to know that I'm the best at this stuff. "I'm staying here, with you guys," I say.

"Sure, be my guest, but we need to go deeper in..." Evan says, glancing down to check his communicuff. "Oh look, Mordecai's it too."

"Adrian and he are as thick as thieves, he probably made himself get caught," I say, rolling my eyes. "And sure, let's go deeper."

"Okay, let's go," Evan gives Dawn's hand a squeeze. "Let's go, Dawn."

She grins. And this time, her eyes flicker when she does it. "Ok Evan."

Not entirely focused on the game, I instead find myself eyeing their hands the entire time we move though the cluster of trees. My journal and I are going to have a serious talk when I get back home, I know this for sure. Still, I can't take the weirdness anymore. So when the three of us hunker down next to a riverbank, I give Dawn's shoulder a gentle tap.

"Hey Dawn," I begin. "I'm sorry if I got you in trouble the other day..."

"It's okay Emmy, it was my fault," she replies, shrugging. "It was very inappropriate of me to make you do that, but it'll never happen again."

Confused by the word "inappropriate" I blink, taking off my eyeglasses to adjust them. "Uh...Ok," I say. "Are we still friends?"

"The best of friends," She replies. That alone makes me happy enough to forget about the twinge in my stomach and the fact that she still has Evan's hand in her own. We're distracted by Evan's jostling of our shoulders.

"Guys," Evan hisses, pointing downstream. "Look!"

I follow his finger toward a patch of scraggy river where there seems to be a bunch of activity. With Evan's yearning, we make our way closer towards the cluster of equipment and sounds of mechanical whirring. It's then that I see the distinct armor of a couple of Peacekeepers standing guard in interesting-looking smocks that camouflage them with the environment. As I watch the Peacekeepers go about their business, I can't help but be reminded about the open field and the guns they were making. This is like that, but instead of an anti-air gun, a crane was lowering something into a hole in the side of a hill. It wasn't something hard, like a box, but it was something soft in a net - but the net itself wasn't see-through.

"What are they doing?"

"I don't know," I reply, eyeing a pair of what I think are scientists as they watch the net get placed into the hole.

"What have we got here then?" an odd, distorted voice says aloud. "A bunch a rebel spies?"

We turn around to see a Peacekeeper bashing through the shrubbery, her helmet depolarized so that her sneer is as visible as day. My eyes can't help but trail down toward the odd-looking gun she carries, a deep gray thing with a part that glows violet. Her partner rustles through the shrubs to join us too.

"We're not 'spies'," Dawn retorts.

"You coulda fooled me kid," the female Peacekeeper replies. I figure that she's from District 2. Most of them always speak gruff and clip their words by never saying them in their entirety. "The way you three are sneakin' around all sleuth-like."

"We're playing manhunt," Evan chimes, reaching out to caress the female Peacekeeper's smock. "None of my action figures have this uniform...Is it new?" a gentle smack to the hand from the older woman is enough to get Evan to keep his hands to himself. "I'm just wondering..." he mutters.

"They should've closed the park," the male says. "Sure, it's a buncha kids t'day but you know it'll be a reb t'morrow."

"What's going on here?" I ask, swiveling my head between the two of them. "Is it about the war?"

"You don't worry your pretty lil' head 'bout this. Just be glad you're the middleman." the female replies, gesturing her gun towards the park, "Show's over kiddies, let's get you spies back to the park proper before you end up as mutt food..."

They bring us to the edge of the forest and the field and almost immediately the rest of our friends swarm us as we make our way back toward the tables. Its then that I notice that there were only us three - Dawn, Evan and I - that weren't 'it'. The time limit expired. We won. I wasn't feeling this game, however, for a multitude of reasons. I look back towards the forest edge to see that the Peacekeepers disappeared.

"Where were you guys?" Victoria asks. "And why were you with Peacekeepers?"

"We saw things, cool things," Evan gushes as Dawn giggles.

"Cool things like what? Tell us, tell us!" Adrian asks, pushing through everyone else so that he's front and center.

"We're not allowed to say what we saw, Adrian." I explain, my voice irritable. He asks too much questions like he's a five-year-old instead of an eleven-year-old. "It involves Peacekeepers, use your imagination."

...

"29 November, HG 75.

Today was an okay day, I guess. Mother wants to try and understand me some more and I still have my best friend. I even managed to get a drive home with her and Mrs. Fong...although Mrs. Fong watched me from the mirror the entire ride up.

That Peacekeeper patrol and the terrible map I saw on the news at dinner tells me that the war is literally going to be in my backyard, though I'm hoping that won't be the case. Wouldn't we just bomb the rebels off the mountains like we did years prior? I'm not sure. I'm not going to listen to Mrs. Fong or that Peacekeeper or Mother for that matter when they tell me to act like a kid and 'not to worry' I'm allowed to be concerned, I'm allowed think beyond the way they want me to.

The rest of the day is spent lounging at the bench, chatting about how we wish school was still in person and that portions the city were open to travel again. I guess I enjoyed myself, though I wish everyone else were gone and it was just me and Dawn catching up again.

...I have my best friend, but it doesn't feel like a best friend friendship."

Coming up next...

"Everything will be okay." Father assures me, this time more pressingly. "Everything will be fine and you'll be able to grow up, become an amazing writer and travel throughout Panem freely without a worry in the world."