Trigger Warning: Character Death, Mention of Self-harm
What makes a person themselves? Is it their name, memories? How much of this can be stripped away, and still leave the same person? If you erase part of their memory, will they remain the same? If the world forgets their existence, are they still the same person? At which point does a person cease to exist and is instead, replaced by someone else?
Subaru's mind drifted through these questions across an endless dark with no clear goal. The intermission between both the real world and the [Book of the Dead] couldn't have been more than a few seconds, yet time was relative. Every time Subaru acquired a new soul, he fell into this familiar place. Nothing mattered in this time, it offered a small moment of peace. Maybe he would be lucky and get a glimpse of a peaceful life again. Although he knew that those memories were worthless, they always reminded him of his family and how long he had not seen them. It was far more likely that this book would once more end in chaos and violence.
With a loud crack, the darkness shattered, ejecting the youth into blinding green. Enormous white trees obstructed his sight. The snow-coated a layer of mud. His boots cemented in the ground and caused him to almost fall over. In a reflection, he saw himself, or rather her. A blonde elf covered in thick green garb and brown military boots. A quiver constructed from the same wood was slung around her shoulder, a great green warbow in her left hand. One of the arrows, masterfully crafted and equipped with modest feathers, rest in her right hand. Subaru noted the duality between himself and her. She moved on her own accord and sprinted across the lush forest. The boy noticed the charcoal smell in the air and the sound of burning flames reached her. Blood dripped from her pointed ears and warmed the sides of her face while sending waves of agonizing pain throughout her body. In the distance figures dashed across the treelines. An unnatural force closed in, it's blue flames consumed the wood. The snow attempted to quell the incoming fire but its efforts remained in vain.
?: "Ul Goa!"
A barrage of black flames set the nearby trees ablaze. Most sustained too much damage to sustain themselves, their majestic structure crashed upon the charred ground. The once so proud wood was being devoured by the blaze.
Florette: "No! Why?! Why?! Why?!"
A name. Subaru was stunned for a moment before he regained his composure. He did his best to avoid reading the names of the dead, yet her name entered his mind.
Florette's hands began to shiver as she stared in disbelief at the destruction around her. Her hometown's defense wall ignited, the screams of the villagers mixing with the clashes of the home guard and raiders. Desperately Florette begged the universe, the gods, anyone to stop the senseless destruction. To no avail. Tears streamed down her face, her throat dried with each of her pleas. However, no matter how much she tried, Florette couldn't change fate.
Out of the burning inferno, three men rushed towards her. Makeshift armour, crudely pieced together from different metals and riddled with holes, covered two of the men. The last of the three was dressed in dark blue robes.
?: "The Witch has given up, let's kill her before she causes more trouble."
The slender man in the cape spoke, his tongue slithered gruesomely around his mouth.
Through her tears, Florette picked up a single arrow and placed it between her muscular fingers and the bow. Focusing on her inner self, she accumulated yellow mana at the tip of it. The bolt left her fingers with a low sound and glided towards the man.
Still, with its current trajectory, it would miss the mercenaries. Subaru's calculations proved correct as the projectile landed in front of them and drilled into the earth.
The shock on the face of the mercenaries disappeared as mocking laughter filled them. One of the men, who wielded a great battle-ax spoke up.
?: "Looks like the Witch lost her power. I'm gonna make you cry!"
The merc stepped forwards as the crude comment left his greasy lips.
The earth began to shake. Huge chunks of yellow stone particles flew towards the three men, piercing through their armour and tearing their flesh. The only thing the attack left were the shredded remains of armour, filled with crimson gore and crushed bones.
Twelve, eleven, ten.
Three bolts found their way from her bow into the body of the ground troops.
Nine, eight, seven.
The next three arrows sank into the incoming cavalry.
Six, five, four, three, two.
With most of her remaining arrows, Florette shot down a winged dragon, on which a mage scorched the town.
One.
With her last bolt, she fired onto the incoming crowd on mercenaries using her earth magic once more.
Florette drew her knife, but it was too late. A giant assailant cut off her right arm with a heavy slash. Blood oozed out of her severed limb. She attempted to fight back, but her body lost all of its strength. The knife drove into her neck, cutting off her air supply. It wasn't a slow death, her body unwilling to give up, her brain desperately screaming for air. Pain pulsed through her body, and after much struggle, she was finally granted the sweet release of death.
Inside the soul of Natsuki Subaru voices slumbered. The voices filled his head. The voices were always with him, always watching. Voices Natsuki Subaru had accumulated over the last months.
The lowest whispers stemmed from the weakest voices. Lesser spirits, farmers, merchants, parents, children. All of them drowned in the orchestras of cries, forever sealed in the soul of Natsuki Subaru, forever trapped in the shadow garden.
Small hissing arose from the stronger voices. Quasi spirits, politicians, city guards, noblemen. They were aware of their prison, of their shackles, but resistance was futile.
Low muttering gently reached his ears. Full spirits, generals, knights, rulers. They attempted to escape their prison, to control the body, to stop being mere puppets, yet she invalidated all of their attempts, making them pointless.
?: "Natsuki Subaru, a very bold move, indeed. Consuming another name."
A female voice echoed through his skull. The strict voice, filled with coldness. Strategic, lacking any empathy. One of the former great nations generals analyzed the situation in her usual stern voice.
?: " , another one? Maybe you should start a better housekeeping plan, this is becoming painful."
A deep masculine voice cut into his brain. Sharp, precise, yet elegant at the same time. It belonged to the former diplomat of a grand duchy.
?: "Though it would appear that yet another lost soul shall join us."
The voice sounded alien, unlike anything a human could produce. It was more like the croak of a raven. Thus the long-forgotten great spirit of yin spoke.
Subaru: "Stop! Stop! Stop!"
His head and soul reached a state of dualism, Subaru screaming for the chaos to end. Voices, too strong to be subdued in time, flooded his mind and tore at his self. Their relentless assault was directed straight to his sanity, fighting over who should control the body. But none of them won. However, the worst was yet to come.
?: "Do you like flowers, Natsuki Subaru?"
Her voice pierced his heart, wounding him deeper than any of the others could. There was no mental pain, no attempt to seize his soul. Only the burden, the guilt, of making her do his bidding, to abuse her abilities and skills even if he knew she hated to fight. But she never tried to resist. Therisa Astrea, the flower of the House van Astrea, was not allowed to rest even after her death. Why didn't she oppose him? Why didn't she hate him? Subaru Natsuki didn't know.
?: "Look at yer pathetic self, you. Can't even fight against ya own disgust' inner self. Ya're pathetic, ya small fry!"
The last voice belonged to the master of the sword, who never missed an opportunity to taunt Subaru. Both of them knew that Reid could easily take over Subaru, yet he refused to become something so pathetic. Was he that pathetic? Disgusting? Horrible? Subaru Natsuki didn't know.
Subaru screeched as his body stirred from artificial slumber. Subaru tried to force air into his lungs, but his cut throat wouldn't allow it. His left arm, which had not been cut off, fought against the mercenaries in the forest. It didn't matter that he would die alone on the forest ground, but he would not go without a fight. When would they stop? When would they have enough of his battered body? Suddenly, the dualism between his body and mind stopped. Subaru was not in the forest, but rather in the mansion of Roswaal. Warmblood drizzled onto his face as he turned around.
Shaula: "Master, why do you attack me? I didn't do anything wrong, did I? You can punish me however you see fit, Master."
Subaru examined the havoc he caused. Countless small cuts and wounds littered the woman in question. Blood leaked onto her frame.
Subaru: "Shaula, I am so sorry. You did nothing wrong! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
The woman merely cocked her head sideways, blood collected around a small bruise on her lips. No longer able to deal with the stress, Subaru wrapped his arms around her before starting to cry. The pent-up stress from the last weeks, all of the misery, all of the pain finally broke him. And now, he had harmed his apprentice. It shattered him. Repeating sorry over and over again, fully knowing that it won't change anything, Subaru Natsuki allowed himself to cry after so many months. Salty water flooded from his eyes, his noble knight garb was stained with Shaula's blood.
Shaula didn't understand, being rather confused that her master embraced her so tightly. This confusion was soon replaced by happiness, the small cuts on her skin were forgotten by then. She would endure anything for her master after all.
Out of nowhere, the unguarded door opened. A small girl in an extravagant dress appeared, tears flowing from her eyes at the scene before her. Her hopeless contractor hopelessly clung to his apprentice, blood leaked from both of them. The scene was too much for Beatrice to handle as sobs started to escape her throat.
Beatrice: "Why is Betty's Subaru hurt? Why?! Why?!"
At the mention of his name, her contractor's cries ceased immediately. Subaru turned around to face Beako, trying his best to suppress his cries and rebuild the farce of Natsuki Subaru, the happy knight, and hero of the half-elf. However, Beatrice bore witness to his pathetic attempts at hiding it yet again, his puffy red eyes unmasked him. Beatrice knew she was powerless. Subaru tried to speak about his fears, his insecurities but every time an unknown force stopped him from sharing his pain.
Beatrice: "Betty's Subaru is too helpless to fake his emotion. That he doesn't speak with Betty is infuriating, in fact."
Subaru: "Beako, I …"
But Beatrice simply shook her head, not allowing the young man to spin the truth in his favor once more. With a side glance, she noticed the remains of a book burning in the fireplace. However, it was too late to decipher the mystery by now. The small spirit healed the woman's wound before wordlessly taking her Subaru's hand, not wanting to lose track of him again.
Shaula: "Master, do you want me to get more of them? I can make the trip alone if you want."
Subaru answered while trying to hide reddened eyes and shaking speech. Ciphering through his option, Subaru answered.
Subaru: "Let's wait for after dinner, it seems we have work to do."
Shaula: "Oka~ay, Master."
Discounted with himself, Subaru examined his figure in the mirror. Tears fell down his cheeks onto the marble sink, leaving small puddles. Using the sleeve of his fresh knight uniform, Subaru stared into his soul, behind the puffy eyes. He scrubbed his face with a black towel, cleaning the remaining blood from his face. His bloodied hand wandered around his arms, finding the uneven terrain left behind by his own nails. Subaru faced his reflection yet again, clutching his hands into the sink. The boy slowly but gradually forced a smile on his face and suppressed his tears. At first, it appeared completely artificial and fake, but the longer he tried the better it got.
After a few minutes, the facade of a happy Natsuki Subaru was rebuilt. He never lost his ability to smile, rather as Emilia's knight he was expected to be happy, noble, perfect. He was a hero, the greatest hero of the nation, the world. Only the [Sword Saint] could overshadow him. However, Subaru Natsuki knew that he was no hero, no legend, no mysterious being. Subaru Natsuki was human, a human that laughed, a human that screamed, a human that cried. His status as a hero robbed him of that right, the right to be human. So Subaru Natsuki would continue to uphold the illusion of being a hero, even if it was just for Emilia's sake.
Subaru finished washing his hands, putting away the amber soap before checking the mirror one last time. Subaru Natsuki the human departed, letting Natsuki Subaru, the [Sage Knight], the [Great Hero] replace him.
Subaru darted across his room, intending to visit both Otto and Garfield but before leaving his room, he stopped. He pinpointed the items in his room. His glance crossed an enormous shelf in the apartment. Countless items of varying value overflowed from it.
A silver ring was settled in a green box, the crest of the Karsten household proudly displayed on it.
Parts of a chessboard, made from glass, quartz, and obsidian messily stood inside the shelf. It was a gift from Otto, which often was used in one of the camp's game evenings.
Next to it dangled a blade, which almost destroyed his facade once more. The exquisite sword, decorated by a sole red gem gleamed, at him, the [Holy Sword Astrea]. A mere glance onto the blade caused him tremendous guilt. How could Reinhard think he was worthy of wielding it? Why did he think that Subaru could wield the sword that belonged to Therisa?
Unable to bear the sight of the weapon any longer, Subaru looked southward, his sight locating an arrangement of golden coins. Engraved on them each were different symbols, from an eagle over an oddly shaped landmass, a harpe, a few buildings, and even the anatomy of a human being. For a normal person from Luganica, this would only cause confision, but for Subaru, they had a special purpose. It was a gift from Julius, who bought them in a secluded stall on the marketplace. Although not Japanese, these coins reminded him of home. Would his parents be proud? What were they doing now? Were they okay? The emotional burden proved too much to handle. Subaru hastily left his room, continuing his regular day.
Subaru intended to head to the main office of the camp, located on the fourth story. The fourth story was by far the least opulent of the mansion, except for the basement and Elsa's wing. With few visitors ever reaching this destination, most of the abundant gold and marble was missing. This didn't mean the hallways lacked anything in particular, quite the contrary. If Subaru had to describe it, transitioning floors felt akin to moving from a noble house to that of a rich merchant. With a few quick jumps, Subaru conquered the indigo stairwell, with its tasteful wooden carvings and arrived at his destination.
A quick peek inside the bureau revealed an unusual sight. Two of the three desks were vacant, leaving only the centermost tables occupied. The tall case clock saturated the room with rhythmic ticking. In general, the room appeared to be clogged by countless books, arranged into a two-story library.
The desk next to Subaru was neatly organized, a silver-red feather and a few papers occupied some of the space of it. Two boxes filled with finished paperwork, stood behind his desk, waiting for someone to arrange them into the countless bookshelves. On a regular occasion, a pink-haired man would work here, but for the week Phillipe, Otto's Secretary, was absent.
In front of Subaru, the middle desk overflowed with papers, folders, and other office utensils. A green hat laid next to the mess of office work, belonging to the camp's head of internal affairs, Otto. Next to his abandoned workload, a small cup of tea brewed, still steaming hot air into the room. The rest of the cramped space was occupied by a starlike brown flower, which gave off a faint scent of sweet chocolate. It was a gift from his secretary, who was a big fan of plants. However, the desk was deserted as well.
The last table belonged to the bodyguard of the camp, Garfield. It was neatly arranged, only some books stacking themselves on it. A quick peek revealed the various topics of them, ranging from water magic, over fighting styles up until chemistry.
Stepping forward, Subaru peeked outside the door upon the balcony. Both of his friends sat there, chatting away in the afternoon sun. Garfield currently ranted about something, taking a quick sip of milk between each of his extravagant gestures. Otto meanwhile, hastily drank some kind of alcoholic beverage, patiently listening to his younger friend's troubles.
No one had noticed Subaru's arrival yet, so the knight was content with merely observing the scene before him. Simultaneously, Subaru enjoyed the rare moments of peace and calm he desired as he leaned against the table. The low sounds of the clock and the sweet chocolate scent relaxing him, offering a rare break for the young man.
Garfield: "Eh, Captain. Fancy seein'ya up here. Finally done with ya workload, eh?"
The bodyguard of the camp, Garfield Tinsel stood before Subaru, having snuck up on his friend unnoticed.
Otto: "Ehh! Natsuki-kun, please tell me there isn't any more work."
The face of his friend peeked from behind the chair as Subaru caught a glimpse of the overworked head of internal affairs, who looked pleading.
Garfield: "So, Captain. Are we going on another mission again and you need the help of my amazing self?"
Slowly, he traced a wide scar on his right jar. The wound itself was inflicted by no other than Reid van Astera himself, in the [Conquest of the Pleiades Watchtower]. Since then he didn't waste one-second training with different members of the camp, finally coming to terms with his pride, accepting that he wasn't the strongest and needed to improve.
Otto: "Natsuki-kun, please don't tell me I have to come again. It sounds dangerous."
Garfield: "What're yer a chicken?"
Otto: "I don't want to be involved in fighting heroes from 400 years ago."
Subaru: "You rather do the paperwork, with your secretary?"
Otto: "Why are all of these choices so bad?"
Laughter filled the room, at Otto being the butt of the joke once more. Moments like these made Subaru temporarily forget the horrors of life. Just peaceful moments with his friends, moments that became more sparse.
Subaru: "Yes we are going on another mission."
Garfield: "Who's comin' with my amazing self, Cap?"
Subaru: "Only Elsa as far as I know. But I only got the gist of it, we will discuss it in greater detail later in HQ."
Garfield: "Quit worrin' 'bout that bitch. My amazing self will keep her in check!"
Nodding, the topic of the group changed to more light-hearted themes, the small round happily drinking along. Before Subaru had to leave once again, still occupied with his tasks.
A big thanks to my Betareaders: Senku and Langston
If you wondering why this moves at such a snail pace: The series is planned to be an anthology series