CHAPTER 3: A BLEEDING HEART

"I dragged all these shadows behind me

Until they grew into a part of me, but I never wanted it to happen

All the steps I took, I took them for the happiness of others

But they all burned me down, burnt like an empty book."

Swallow the Sun – From Happiness to Dust

The shadow of a black moth covered Natsu's eyes as he stared into the horizon. Wings as wide as a little bird's, the frequent flaps sent shivers down his spine. It stayed on the window as if it tiny legs were frozen on the glass. Even when Natsu knocked his knuckles against it, it refused to leave, still darkening his vision. The moth closed its wings and opened them again, the shadow flashing on and off.

Had it really come to this world from his dream?

"You're freaking me out", he mumbled and knocked harder, making the glass tremble, finally scaring the creature away. The moth spread its wings for the last time and parted wistfully like it had hoped to stay a little longer. Something about it reminded him of the stranger called Haru, maybe because she freaked him out, too.

Not death. It symbolizes transition, renewal and second chances, but not death.

The stranger's words echoed in his head. Something about his nightmare had changed everything. Maybe it was the realization that death wasn't an exit. Not anymore. For the past months, death had been the only thing in his future. But now, the future was blank in a different way. It was not a dead-end, but an empty canvas; white instead of black, even though she had said white was the color of death.

Maybe a part of him had truly jumped off a cliff, leaving behind the rest which wanted to live.

Natsu's gaze followed the moth as it disappeared into the forest. Pines contrasted against the pale blue, cloudless sky, and the sun touched the treetops. It wouldn't climb any higher today – it had to be October already, maybe 7th or 8th day. Soon the first snow would fall and cover the earth under a white veil, and blizzards would shatter the black moth's wings.

His thoughts circled back to the stranger. Now that she was gone, he realized he hadn't sensed her presence at all. It just could not be felt. Maybe that's why she had appeared so stealthily, completely unnoticed at the cliff. She barely existed, yet her lifeless eyes saw right into his darkened soul.

You are just sad, not angry.

Natsu had stared to the horizon for long enough and decided he needed some fresh air. To be cautious, he took a knife from the cabinet and shoved it into his pocket. He still didn't trust the stranger, and maybe never would. Then he grabbed the black, tattered coat from the wall rack and threw it on his shoulders.

The dragonslayer found the girl behind the cabin, crouched by a stream which ran down from the mountains. She formed a cup from her hands, collected a handful of water and washed the blood from her face. She glanced over a shoulder quickly when Natsu appeared, then continued cleaning her wounds. Dried, frozen flowers scrunched under his steps. Natsu halted at a hearing distance to view at her.

She looked different in daylight. The black dress hung loosely on her body, and a silver necklace glimmered in the sun. The darkness had softened her limbs, blending her outlines to the background, but the sunlight emphasized her sharp edges. It turned visible the shadows of each bone sticking from her pale skin, and the dark circles under her eyes. She looked like she hadn't eaten at all on her journey here.

Had she forgotten to take care of herself while committing to her duty? An infiltrator wouldn't put herself into a condition like that.

"Hey you, a girl-with-a-boys-name", Natsu said, loud enough to catch her attention. "Are you… hungry? There's a good fishing place nearby. I could –"

"I don't like fish", Haru answered and took a wooden comb from her bag. Using the stream as a mirror she started to untangle her hair. What he had sensed earlier had stayed true. There was no magical aura around her like she was a ghost, but even ghosts had a presence. She lacked it completely.

Natsu frowned in frustration and walked to the stream a few feet away from her. Though she looked like she was starving, it wasn't his business to force herself to eat. He kneeled down to drink from the running water. She cursed at herself silently while combing her tangled hair.

"So, if we go straight to Magnolia, we should be there in two months", Natsu told and wiped his mouth to the sleeve of his coat. He sat down on frozen grass and wrapped the black coat around his body. The air was crisp and chilly, and as a fire dragon's son, Natsu didn't enjoy cold weather too much. How did she manage to wear nothing but a dress? Didn't she feel cold at all?

"Two months? If we go to the next town and travel by train, we will be there in few weeks", she wondered.

"No trains", Natsu replied strictly and shook his head. "I have extreme motion sickness. Even the thought of a vehicle makes me want to throw up. I'd rather die than travel by train."

"Oh, I forgot you are a dragonslayer, and your senses are different. I know a spell that -"

"No trains", he repeated, raising his voice a bit. "And no other vehicles either. We walk. Understand?"

She stated nothing to that and Natsu took that as an agreement. It had been almost a month since Natsu had talked to anyone, and he had almost forgotten how to. Haru wasn't too chatty either: she only spoke when she had something to say, and considered each word carefully. Yet still, the silence made him uncomfortable – or the uncertainty which came with it.

"Do you know when Zeref's going to attack?" Natsu asked. "Seems like you're in a haste to get to Fairy Tail."

"Depends", she said and put the comb back to the bag. "Zeref is obsessed about 'the right time'. I guess it will be soon: a month, two months, half a year? Right now, Fairy Heart is defenseless. It would be smartest to attack right now, but apparently to Zeref the time isn't right yet."

Haru rose up, picked up the leather bag and turned away from him. Natsu frowned again. The conversation was nothing but done, but she clearly had had enough.

"That makes you sound like you are on his side, did you know that?" he pointed out.

"Well, I'm not", the girl answered shortly. "He needs to die."

"But he was your teacher, right?"

She stopped for a moment and glanced over her shoulder at the dragonslayer, whose pink hair swayed in the wind.

"He is corrupted by the dark", Haru said and looked away from him again. "The same darkness that…"

She grew quiet suddenly. A light wind messed her freshly combed hair as she stared into the horizon. What had she intended to say about the darkness, and why had she withdrawn from it? Natsu assumed that she would speak when the time was right for her. Erza had been like that by the time she joined the guild. People like her would eventually open up if given enough space and time. Maybe.

"Anyway", Natsu started and turned his head towards the blue sky. "You'll get some rest and I'll find some food. Okay?"

Though his appetite was almost gone, he knew he needed energy for the travel. Walking miles and miles in a day was exhausting. The last months had already taken a toll on his body as well as his mind. With the upcoming war, he couldn't let that continue, or he wouldn't be able to defend what he had once held so dear. And still held, even though a part of him had forgotten it.

"You are not going back to the cliff, aren't you?" Haru asked suddenly. "It would, kind of, ruin our plan of saving the world if you died."

Natsu hadn't expected her to bring that up. Not at all.

"I'm not… I'm not..." he stuttered, trying to find a response, but no words could describe what he felt. "I've got to save my friends. I've got to keep on going, no matter what I…"

"Is that your reason to keep on going?"

Natsu nodded, staring at her in confusion. "For now."

"It won't last long enough. You know, the dark, it doesn't care about your friends", Haru said, her eyes locked with his. "Whatever reason you find, it will nullify it over time. It consumes you to the core until there's nothing left of you, as long as the things feeding it are still there. The dark is like a fire. As long as there is something to burn, it will burn."

"What are you talking about? Of course I care about my friends, I would never -"

"You had already forgotten about them, remember? You were already driven to the point where the only thing that mattered was ending the pain. That there was nothing in the world to make you stay. This is just a sad time-out. It will happen again, and in your weakest moment, you'll give in to it. Just like he did…"

She noticed Natsu's eyes marveling at her and stopped speaking. Right before she had spoken in a formal, reticent manner, but now the words were flooding out from her mouth. She whirled away trying to hide her embarrassment and skittered back to the cabin. The girl slammed the door shut, leaving Natsu alone with his confusion.

"Who are you?" Natsu whispered after her. "What happened to you, a girl-with-a-boys-name?"

The black moth flew from the forest and startled Natsu. It came to hover above his head, fighting fiercely against the wind. Persistent little thing. It looked at him with its red, moth's eyes, like it was asking for something, but lacked a common tongue.

"And what do you want?" the dragonslayer asked, a frown on his face deepening. The moth flew to the edge of the forest, where a path began. It waited there as if it wanted him to follow.

Natsu knew where the path would lead.

Shrubs growing on the forest floor itched and scratched his feet as he walked through the pine forest. He followed the butterfly on a path he had treaded too many times. The threes stood strong and tall, their ancient roots carpeting the path, and Natsu almost tackled his feet into the roots.

The pines had grown here for decades at least and seen many miserable travelers dive headfirst into their graves. Maybe there was a pile of bones underneath the cliff: a graveyard for lost souls buried unceremoniously upon each other. Maybe the original owner of the shack ended his days following the same path.

He had found a hunter's journal from the cabinet, behind the tableware. Especially the last entries had been grim, and he mentioned the precipice more than once. Maybe the void had its charm. If you stayed here too long, you could no longer resist it. Natsu had certainly felt that in his core last night.

The butterfly flew right in front of him. The girl had warned him not to go to the cliff, but Natsu wanted to see it one last time before leaving. In daylight, there wouldn't be the same mitigation the night offered. He wanted to look straight into the bottom and face the death, not as a coward, but as a man. And for some reason, the butterfly wanted him to face it, too.

Little birds chirped on the lower branches, but Natsu was so deep in his thoughts that he couldn't hear them. The peculiar girl, the nightmare and the black moth occupied his mind. The only clarity in the midst of chaos was that death was no longer an option. Now he feared it. The thought of death had offered him twisted consolation: it was easier to push through the shit if you knew it would be over soon. But now, fear had torn away from his only solace, leaving him with an empty, closed heart.

His thoughts circled back to the stranger. Now he understood what Haru had meant with the dark she had been speaking about – she meant the hopelessness where souls got lost into. It was a descriptive name for it, after all. But it wasn't the opposite of the light – it was the absence of it.

On his way to the cliff, Natsu came up with theories about her. The absence of her aura, her hatred for Zeref… maybe she was a demon from the books of Zeref?

During the battle with the dark guild Tartaros, Zeref killed Mard Geer, one of his demons. He clicked his fingers and sent him back to the book from which he was summoned. Then he burned it into ashes. When questioned, Zeref shook his head and said that he no longer needed that demon. He treated his creations like they were nothing to him.

The theory made more sense the more he thought about it. It would have been only a matter of time before one of Zeref's creations would turn against him. And now she was here, as a traitor, having betrayed her creator. It was still possible that she was an infiltrator sent to murder him, though.

Natsu lifted his face to let the lights and shadows filtering through the trees dance across his skin. The wind whistled around the trunks releasing the scent of pine resin into the air. He tried to open his heart to the feeling of being alive, but his heart stayed shut.

It was like a return to the murder scene when the path came to an end. The view that opened in front of his eyes astonished him, and the butterfly hovered right next to him. The vale went on as far as he could see, and the trees down there were dressed in the colors of the autumn.

And somewhere down there was the firepit someone had ignited a second before it would have been too late. Carefully and slowly, he moved closer to the edge, but his legs went weak. He had to stop before the steep fall as his feet refused to carry him any further.

Natsu closed his eyes and let the stream of his thoughts run on its own for a while. It had been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing could ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world. The fire igniting in the distance had been a pure coincidence, but it had sent forward a chain of events that could not be stopped. A very small change in initial conditions had created a significantly different outcome.

What else could he do now but embrace its flow, and see what would happen?

The black moth landed on his shoulder. It flattered its wings, and then flew over the edge. It hovered in the air until a strong gust caught it and tore it apart right in front of Natsu's eyes, and the pieces of the withered butterfly fell to the canyon, vanishing forever.

Strange sorrow struck his empty heart. If the butterfly had been Igneel, it was no more. Igneel had truly died, leaving him all alone in the world, forever, and all he could do was to move forward to the future. But there would be no future as long as the part of him which had wanted to die existed.

The future would remain black and hopeless, like the dead of winter, until he would wither in the wind the same way the black butterfly did. The man who concealed his emotions and acted through anger, would no longer survive. Not anymore. It had been proven too many times, but only now his eyes opened to see the truth.

The man who kept it all inside and didn't trust his friends enough to let them in had no future. The old Natsu had to die so the new could eventually, someday, maybe, thrive again.

Upon that conclusion, under the setting sun, Natsu took off the coat and placed it to the ground. He stripped his vest and trousers too. Natsu shoved a hand into the pocket and picked up the knife. Goosebumps rose to his skin when the cold wind blew right through his bones as he stood on the precipice wearing nothing but Igneel's scarf. Natsu tossed his clothes over the edge and watched them fall to the bottom far, far below.

He extended the hand in front of him and slashed his arm with the silver knife, letting the blood follow his clothes. He flinched in pain and bit his lip, but endured it. He forced his shadows into the light, ripping through his chest and burning like a fire.

That being done, he killed his previous self, alone and unceremoniously. He left it unburied to the base of the precipice, among many others before him, and his new self would be reinvented somewhere else.

As the blood flowed from his arm he knew that new life began right here, where the old path had come to an end.

A bleeding heart would be an open one.

A/N: Hi guys! I'm slowly but surely working with the edited version of this story. I've been busy with my other fic, but I'm determinated to get this fic finished too 3