Chapter 3: Negotiations

Kazuma and Megumin both awoke to a knocking sound on the door. The door opened and revealed Tsuyoshi.

"Rise and shine lovebirds!"

Aforementioned lovebirds groaned in response, and Tsuyoshi spotted something lying on the bed next to Megumin. He snatched it before she could hide it.

"Well what do we have here?"

Kazuma looked at it and instantly knew what it was. Oh no. Megumin was as red as a tomato.

"It's no surprise that my son has a collection of lewd magazines, but seeing his girlfriend give one a read too? Most intriguing. Y'know son, when a girlfriend finds your lewd magazines, she tends to get a bit upset. But I don't see any signs of that…"

Kazuma hated to admit it, but his father was right. Megumin didn't really look like she was upset at Kazuma at all. Maybe a bit disappointed that they hadn't done anything last night, but not mad. If his magazines made her angry, she had her ways to show it. Tsuyoshi continued his sleuthing.

"...which means that your precious Megumin must have been reading it for her own sake…"

A grin creeped onto Megumin's face. Kazuma shuddered. This is bad, he thought. This is very bad.

"...which must mean that my son, God bless him, is unable to satisfy his woman."

Tsuyoshi looked towards Megumin, who had apparently lost any sense of shame.

"Finally! Someone gets it!"

This is it, Kazuma thought. His own father has conspired with Megumin to take his virginity. It's over. All he'd wanted was for her to be a bit older so they could "do it" without him ending up on the sex offender registry. He could hear the chants at his trial: 'Lolima, lolima, lolima…' His mother was a lost cause. He had to go at it alone, against the world. He had to take a final stand. He breathed in deeply, in preparation for his final attack.

"I have had it up to here with you two! And mom is no better! Megumin, you are not entitled to my dick, you hopeless pervert! Did I really leave Darkness behind?! Are we sure?!"

Tsuyoshi smirked, but he knew not what was to come.

"And you, dad, were calling Megumin a loli just yesterday! Are you saying you want me to fuck a loli?! If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were the lolicon!"

Kumiko came in and sighed.

"Well I guess we aren't getting grandkids any time soon…"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?! We're way too young for children! She's only 14! And I was here thinking that teen pregnancy was supposed to be a bad thing!"

Tsuyoshi turned towards his wife.

"Well I guess we'll just have to wait until Yamato grows up…"

"What are you on about, you good for nothing terrible excuse for a father?!"

Kumiko replied to her husband, ignoring her son's outburst.

"Our poor Kazuma is going to die a virgin. I had hoped that having a girlfriend would change that, but…"

"There is no way I'll let that happen!"

Kazuma was horrified. Megumin, the most sane of the three girls in his party, had absolutely lost it. What was she even saying? That she'd take his virginity by force if she had to? He shuddered at the thought. She was far stronger than him, though she didn't look the part. It wouldn't be very hard for her to do. He trusted her to not rape him at the very least, but the fact he even considered it told him all he needed to know about his situation.

This was bad. Very bad. Megumin and both his parents were in total agreement that he needed to satisfy her, and soon. Think, Kazuma, think! How many times have his plans gotten his party out of trouble? He could come up with just one more; he knew he could do it. Wait a minute… if the issue is Megumin's age… then why not just make her older? And Megumin dared call herself a genius? His plan was brilliant!

When Megumin gets her birth certificate, they'll just tell the office that she's 16. The only people who'll know her real age are standing right here, and none of them care! Kazuma prepared to unleash his master plan.

"Megumin, mom, dad. I think I have something that will work out for all four of us."

All three turned to face him. He continued.

"The real issue here is Megumin's age, her legal age. You see, I'm not worried at all about being a lolicon. I got over that a long time ago. I'm afraid of getting caught…"

"You truly are shameless, my son."

"Lolicon is just a word, Kazuma. There's nothing to be ashamed of."

"You really are the worst, Kazuma. But I'm curious where this leads..."

After all three of them interrupted him, Kazuma glared at them, and then continued.

"I'm afraid of getting caught, so the solution is for there to be nothing to catch! Megumin doesn't have a birth certificate yet, so the adoption office will be taking our word for her date of birth. If we say that Megumin is 16 rather than 14, the office will be none the wiser and this problem will disappear!"

Megumin, clearly the smartest of the three, was the first to grasp the full genius of his plan.

"I don't really like having to lie about my age, but… if my age doesn't bother you and you're just scared of the police, then this plan is perfect! Such a cunning plan is truly fitting to bed the foremost genius of the Crimson Demon Clan while evading the authorities!"

Unbelievable, Kazuma thought. Megumin has truly embraced her role as jailbait. He never thought he'd see the day, yet here they were. He turned to his parents.

"Who's the shameless one again?"

His parents were still puzzling over the plan, trying to find flaws in his immaculate logic. Finally, they opined on his groundbreaking work.

"My son, I've always known you were a smart cookie. You've done well."

"Your father is absolutely right. I can't wait to meet my grandchildren."

Kazuma still didn't appreciate his mother insisting he have children, but he let it go for now. He had succeeded in his objective: making sure he didn't get locked up for sex crimes.