It had been three full days since the incident with Levi. You hadn't seen him at all since then, either. Every now and then, Isabel and Furlan would come into the library. Their first expedition was in less than a week, so Shadis had them training their asses off. Because of this, they usually didn't have much time on their hands, but it was just enough to say hi briefly. When you inquired about Levi, they responded saying that he was strangely adamant on not coming with them. Figures .You didn't do anything wrong...at least, that's what you kept repeating to yourself in your head. Perhaps you could've been more tactful in your approach...but was this strong of a reaction really necessary? You couldn't drive away the gnawing feeling of guilt in your stomach these past few days. You wanted to apologize, but at the same time, you didn't want him to think you pitied him. Something told you that that would only damage his pride further. So how did you make this right without apologizing? You let out a sigh. People sure are difficult to deal with sometimes.
"Hey !" Hange called.
You snapped back into your surroundings. You were sitting in the dining hall across from Hange and Moblit. It was a little late, so there were only a few other groups still in the long wooden hall. The smell of broth filled the air. You turned back to Hange.
"Sorry, I suppose I got lost in thought." You said, as you turned your focus back to their lips.
"Oh? What about?" They asked, keenly.
"I'm afraid I can't say." You responded.
"Are you oka-" Moblit began, but Hange quickly interrupted.
"Oh come on now! When you say that it makes me even more curious!" They said, leaning in closer to you, with excited eyes.
"Come on Hange, if she doesnt wanna say..."
"Please!"
You groaned. You knew Hange wouldn't let up, and you didn't feel like lying, so you settled on telling them a very vague interpretation of the events a few days ago. You shifted in your seat uncomfortably.
"W-well, say that you accidently learned something about someone that they didn't want anyone else to know…" You started, slowly. "And their pride was hurt, and now they're avoiding you, so you can't apologize… but even if you did, you think that would only bruise their ego further."
"Who is this about?" They pressed.
"That's all I'll say and that's final." You replied, and Hange let out a moan of disappointment.
"Then it's hard to help you out here!" You cocked an eyebrow.
"I don't recall asking for help."
"You might as well have!"
"You sure are persistent."
"It's why so many people find me charming."
You and Moblit erupted into a fit of laughter. You two knew that you were the only ones who could handle them. Hange gave you both confused looks at your sudden outbursts. After you settled down, Moblit turned to look at you.
"I know you said you weren't asking for advice, but would you like to hear what I think?" You chewed your lip, thinking about it for a moment. You let out a small exhale. Moblit was a sensible enough person, probably the most sensible amongst the three of you
"Sure, why not?"
"Well, I don't think you really need to apologize, because their pride isn't your fault..." he stopped, choosing his next words carefully, "...but if you really still feel guilty, maybe you could address the problem at its root, instead of apologizing."
"Elaborate?"
"I don't know what you found out about this person, but is it something you can help them with?" he inquired, with a small shrug.
You went quiet, staring into your bowl of broth. Light steam trailed up from it, fogging your glasses slightly. Teach him how to read? Would he even let me? You chewed your lip again. For some reason, you found yourself wanting to help him, despite the fact that he was a total prick. You looked up to smile at Moblit.
"I'll think about it. Thank you Moblit, that was actually quite insightful."
He smiled back and nodded. You shot up from your seat on the dining hall bench.
"A-actually...I think I'm going to go deal with this right now, before I lose my train of thought and end up chickening out." You said, steadily, your words surprising even you.
"Oh? What's with this sudden boldness?" Hange asked eagerly, reentering the conversation.
"This shit has been annoying me these last few days, I need to get it off my chest. So...why not do it now while the thought is still fresh in my brain?"
Hange grinned up at you.
"Promise to tell me all about it later?" They said in a sickeningly sweet voice. You rolled your eyes.
"I'll see you two later." You said as you began to briskly walk away from them, giving them a small wave.
You had acted like tough shit in front of Hange in Moblit, but now that you were standing outside of Levi's cabin, you felt like you could hurl. The walk to the barracks had been shorter than you anticipated. All of the sudden, here you were, standing in front of the flimsy wooden door. You rubbed your temples. There were three things that could happen upon you entering the room. Firstly, he could simply refuse to speak to you. That wouldn't be too bad. Secondly, he could curse at you, and demand that you get the fuck out of his room immediately. Lastly, he could happily hear you out, and love everything about your offer, because he thought you were a lovely and respectable young woman. Or, alternatively, he might not even be in there. You stared at the doorknob. You're already here, there's no point in backing out of it now. You took a deep breath while you quickly went through your pitch in your head, muttering to yourself quietly. You gave your cheeks a hard pinch before you firmly grabbed the door handle and pushed it open.
You pushed the door open to see Levi and Furlan sitting on one of the beds together, you had heard them talking while you were preparing yourself outside their door, but now the conversation had died out and their eyes turned back to you. The already small room felt even smaller with their eyes on you. You swallowed quietly, before offering them each an awkward smile and beginning.
"Good morning you two, I was wondering if I could speak to Levi for a moment." Furlan cocked his head in surprise.
"Oh? What abou-" Before Furlan could even begin to get his question out, Levi had quickly gotten up from his position on the bed and was swiftly headed towards the door. Right before he passed you he said something quietly.
"Outside, now."
You flinched as he shut the door behind you. You shot an apologetic smile at a very confused looking Furlan and hurriedly turned around to follow him out the door. Levi was waiting outside, arms crossed. You opened your mouth to speak, but before you could, he began talking.
"If you're here to apologize, I don't need to hear it. The best thing you could do for me is to just drop it right now. That's all I came out here to say." He said, with finality. With that, he began to head back to his room. Everything happened quickly. But you hadn't said your piece. The asshole hadn't even begun to let you. He was really starting to piss you off. Just as his hand was about to turn the handle on the door, you quickly grabbed his arm. He turned his head to you, surprised at your sudden movement. You cleared your throat, and did your best to muster up a stern voice.
"W-wait. I didn't come here to a-apologize. I wanted to talk." Ugh, so much for a stern voice. "Please hear me out before you go back to your room." You persisted.
You stared at each other in silence. You were trying to read his face. As usual, you couldn't tell what he was thinking. Was he considering it? Well, the fact that he hadn't already left and returned to his room meant something, right? He scoffed before turning his head to the side. You couldn't see what he said.
"Sorry, did you say something?" You asked. He gave you an annoyed look and he turned back to face you.
"Make it quick, and do you wanna let go of my arm now?" He asked, in an irritated tone.
Immediately you dropped his arm as if it were infected with a bizarre disease. You cleared your throat.
"Sorry. Well, I-I was thinking that, your problem… i-it's probably something that's gonna come up again in your time here." You paused to think about what you should say next. You were looking down at your hands, grasped tightly together in front of you, you knew that if you looked at him straight on that you would fumble with your words. "...S-so, if it's something that you would like to do something about, I can help you." You still didn't look up after you finished your piece. It went quiet.
Suddenly, you'd had enough of your own behavior. Even if he intimidated you, since when were you this fucking spineless? As of now, you'd known him for a week. That was more than enough time to get used to his presence. You had never been this timid before, and you were tired of casting your eyes down when you were in the same room as him. You were better than that, and you knew it. You shot your face up to meet his with fierce eyes. "So? What do you say?" You asked, bluntly. You guys maintained eye contact for a moment before he averted his gaze and spoke.
"You want to teach me how to read?"
"Well? What do you think? We could have meetings whenever it's convenient for you, no one else needs to know. People hardly ever come into the library, and even if they did, we could always say that we are going over the expedition formation or something." You paused for a moment to allow him to speak. When he didn't, you continued on.
"This is definitely something that's gonna come up again later, so if you don't want the same thing that happened in the library that day to happen again... you should do this." Still he said nothing. Your eyes remained on him, unwavering. Was he really just going to completely ignore you? It seemed like that was the case. You sighed. You'd offered your help already, and that was the most you could do. No use in lingering on it. Now it was up to him whether he wanted to take you up on your offer or not. You gave him a small smile.
"It was nice talking again, Levi, I hope you'll at least think about it." You gave him a small bow before turning around and beginning to walk away from him. Almost immediately you felt a firm hand on your shoulder.
You turned to see him standing behind you. Right away you focused on his lips, anxious to see what he had to say.
"Can we begin tonight?" You blinked in surprise. You didn't expect him to be this eager.
"Of course, what time would be the most convenient for you?"
"Eleven thirty." You frowned.
"Aren't scouts supposed to be in their barracks by ten?"
"Doesn't matter." He replied, nonchalantly. You arched your eyebrow slightly, crossing your arms. Should you be enabling his insubordination? Well, whatever. You exhaled before continuing.
"Well as long as you're okay with the possibility of you receiving punishment if you're caught, that works for me as well." You said. He nodded and began to walk back into his room. You observed him as he disappeared through the door.
What a total weirdo.
The conversation with Levi was so draining that instead of returning back to the library as you had intended, you instead went into your room, kicked the crap on the floor out of your way, and plopped yourself onto your bed. Even though it had worn you out, you were glad you made the decision to hold your head up when you spoke to him. Your meek behavior before had been out of character. You threw your glasses off onto the bed and rubbed your eyes. You hadn't been getting much sleep recently. Usually you functioned well on a few hours of rest, but your carelessness was catching up to you now. I'm going to have to stay up late today for my lesson with Levi. You rolled over onto your stomach. You decided to take a small nap before you returned to the library, just to revitalize yourself for the long day ahead of you. You reached your arm down to the floor from your bed and felt around for your alarm clock. When you felt the cool metal on your fingertips, you wrapped your hand around it and pulled it back up on the bed, and set it to go off in two hours. It was twelve right now, and at two thirty, Isabel wanted to talk about your experiences outside the walls, and also show you her progress with her signature. So two hours was perfect. With that you gingerly placed the old alarm clock on your windowsill, and let sleep take you over.
You woke up, but the alarm clock wasn't going off. Fuck. What time is it? You reached your arm back and grabbed the clock. You squinted at it, the numbers were blurry without your glasses. Three o'clock on the dot. FUCK. You shot out of your bed and started making yourself presentable, wiping the slight drool from your face, straightening your dress, and combing your hair down with your fingers. After you were done, you picked up your glasses, which had fallen on the floor, and made a mad sprint to the library, earning you a few odd stares from various military members as you passed them in the halls. You knew Isabel had been looking forward to this for a while, you'd feel bad if you ruined it for her because you failed to remember that your alarm clock was a janky old piece of shit. You made it to the tall wooden doors that lead to the hallway into the library, and you swung them open, taking heaving breaths. As you did, you saw Isabel, Furlan, and Levi just about to exit the opposite door. You took a big breath.
"ISABEL." You called out. Her head abruptly turned back to face you. She said something, but the distance was too wide for you to catch it. You walked up to her, and started to explain yourself.
"I am so sorry-" You stopped to catch your breath, "I fell asleep and-" Once again you stopped to catch your breath, How embarrassing. But you persevered, "Before I knew it I-"
"Hey there, it's fine!" said Furlan, stepping forward to place his hand on your shoulder comfortingly. "Why don't you give yourself a moment to breathe and then you can explain yourself?" You smiled up at him and nodded. After you had caught your breath, you continued.
"I think you caught the gist of it earlier, but I fell asleep and the time got ahead of me, I'm very sorry Isabel. But if you'd still like to, we could still talk now."
"Yeah of course I'd wanna! Is it okay if these two stick around? They'd come lookin' for me." she asked, pointing both of her thumbs at the two men standing beside her.
"Yeah of course, lets go sit down, if you guys would like, could I make up for lost time for offering you some tea? The kitchen isn't too far from here." From the corner of your eye, you noticed Levi perk up very slightly at your offer.
"Sure!"
"What kinds do you have?" Levi inquired.
"As of now we have green and black tea… do you have a preference?"
"Black, please." He answered.
After that, Isabel and Furlan both agreed on black as well, and made your way down the long hallway to the kitchen.
After you had returned to the library, you carefully walked to the long wooden table where the three had placed themselves, and delicately placed the silver tray down in the center, which held four porcelain teacups with brightly colored wildflowers painted on the side. You sat yourself down next to Isabel, Levi and Furlan sat across from the two of you.
"Well, what do you say we get the boring stuff dealt with first, hm?" You said to Isabel, and she nodded quickly, leaning over and pulling a wrinkled piece of loose paper from her pocket. Gingerly, she unfolded it to reveal that it was covered from top to bottom with copies of her signature. Some of them could be better, but others looked very neat. You looked back up to her and saw that she seemed pensive, quietly awaiting your critique. You gave her a soft smile.
"Could you point out your most recent attempt?"
"Y-yeah! For sure. Here ya go." She placed the tip of her index finger on the bottom left corner of the page.
? ﾝﾓﾼ? ﾝﾓﾜ? ﾝﾓﾰ? ﾝﾓﾸ?
It looked almost identical to the reference signature you had given her.
"Isabel, this looks very neat! You must've practiced a lot!" You gushed. She beamed at your compliment.
"Thank ya! Should I keep practicing?"
"Most people know their own signature like the back of their hand, so until you can do it with your eyes closed, you should continue to perfect it." She nodded eagerly and folded the paper back up and into her pocket. She looked back to you questioningly.
"Can I ask you all the questions I've been meanin' to ask ya?"
"Go ahead."
"Can you tell me about your last expedition?" You hummed at this.
"Sure." You took a deep breath. It wasn't really a day you liked to look back on, but you'd known that this was what Isabel had wanted to talk about. And besides, you could handle going over it one more time.
"At that point, I'd been serving in the Survey Corp for about five years. I joined the military when I was fifteen, graduated and joined the Survey Corp at eighteen. I'm twenty three now." You began.
"This expedition wasn't any different from the others, we ventured out in an attempt to find out anything new about the titans. After a full day out, we had come up with nothing. It was on our way back that my accident happened." You stopped to think. You looked back up to them, until now, you had been staring into your tea cup.
"Have they told you about abnormal titans yet?" Furlan quickly shook his head.
"Well...most titans follow a distinct set of patterns. They'll walk upright on their two legs. The only thing on their mind will be eating people, and they'll do anything to achieve that goal, even if their limbs are getting hacked off as they're doing it...we still don't even know if they feel pain." You stayed quiet for a moment to allow any questions.
"But abnormals are different, some have been known to completely ignore us as we ride past them, although that's very uncommon. They might focus in on one person specifically, instead going for whatever they can get their hands on. In short, any titan that displays behaviors other than a blood hungry monster, would be considered abnormal. In terms of movement, they also might move differently. Most titans either walk or run, but I've seen abnormals crawling on all four limbs like dogs... I've seen another that got around by jumping great distances." You darkened at the unpleasant memory. "That ugly fucker was especially difficult to deal with because even once we entered the forest, he could climb onto the trees." You said in a low voice. Suddenly you became hyper aware of your demeanor. You gave them an apologetic smile, twiddling your thumb around the curve of your teacup.
"P-pardon my language."
"Please continue." Furlan said, he looked at you with intense attention. You nodded.
"Well anyways, they're uncommon, so I wouldn't stress over it too much, in my five years I've only ever come across ten, and only four out of those ten posed more threat than any other titan. That day I encountered one of those four on our way back. Upon first observation, we thought it was harmless. It slowly trailed behind our formation, but it didn't attack. My captain sent me and another scout to fall back and take it down." Her face flashed through your mind. You felt a lump in your throat, but you continued.
"But she- the other scout I mean, was a very curious person. Instead of going for the kill like we were supposed to, she placed herself on its shoulder. She was trying to capture its attention, I suppose. She was a very capable scout, I think if it were a normal titan she could have escaped very easily. B-but then the titan did something I'd never seen before… it screamed. It let out the most blood curdling scream I'd ever heard. Even from my place on the ground, it was piercing. I had to cover my ears. But Marl- the other scout, was right at the center of it. I saw her double over, and she fell off its shoulder. Once she did, it stopped screaming, and it immediately shot its hand out and caught her. I aimed my hooks at the nape to try to go for a kill. I came in from the right side, and as I did, it turned to face me, and it screeched again. I didn't cover my ears this time, I was determined to get the kill, although the scream did stall me. A-and then I killed it...after I did, I couldn't hear anything. My hearing returned somewhat during my hospitalization." You took a sip of your now lukewarm tea. Your eyes had glassed over.
"And that's all."
"And the other girl? What happened to her?" Isabel asked.
"Ah...I was too slow. She didn't make it."
"O-oh… I'm sorry for askin'.'"
"Dont worry about it, it was a while ago anyways, and besides, if it was something I was adamant on not discussing, I wouldn't have answered your question at all." You gave her hand a small squeeze.
"So please don't worry."
She nodded. And an awkward silence filled the room.
"Your first expedition is this week, right?"
"Right."
The small feeling of sorrow that had been residing in your chest had grown. You could feel it swelling inside of you. Before you knew it, you were speaking again.
"Please be careful out there. It's a very real possibility that you may die out there...this is your first expedition, so please don't take any unnecessary risk. There are factors you can't consider into your training. Your emotions, the actions of your comrades, your fears." Now your eyes were really soaked, but you didn't allow the tears to fall, and you kept your voice steady. "Marla and I were two very capable soldiers. We both graduated in the top ten...and our titan kill count was more than impressive, but you never know what you might encounter out there." You were still holding Isabel's hand. You strained your throat to get these last words out without your voice cracking."So please just tread carefully." You finished, staring at Isabel's pale hand in yours. You looked up. They all wore somber expressions on their faces. Shit. The three of them were only days away from their first expedition, and here you were, pouring out all your trauma on them. It couldn't be very reassuring. You wiped your eyes and plastered a small smile on your face.
"S-sorry, I don't mean to scare you. Honestly since it's your first expedition, more people are gonna be watching out for you, so as long as you stay in the formation you should be fine. It's very unlikely that something would happen… O-oh! And apparently Erwin's going to be trying a new formation, and the goal is going to avoid as many titans as possible, which is different fro- "
"N-no it's fine! It's not like we've never heard the risks before. Shadis always tells us worse stuff during training." Furlan reassured you. You relaxed a bit, you knew that was true, but you still wanted to apologize for the state you were in.
"Still, there was-" Suddenly you were interrupted by a pair of long arms wrapping themselves around your shoulders. You jerked your head up to see Hange smiling down at you.
"H-Hange?" You blurted out, still surprised. "What are you doing here?"
"Just came over to check in on my friend." They said, giving you a wink, and you couldn't help but chuckle at the sight. They leaned down and gave you a small kiss on the cheek, and you scrunched your nose at the contact. You glanced back at Furlan and Levi, feeling embarrassed at Hange's sudden display of affection. Furlan looked a little annoyed, but Levi was a completely different story. Oh dear. Levi must really hate Hange. If looks could kill, Hange would be dead where they stood. He stared at them with cold eyes, mouth in a hard set frown. Did their presence really annoy him that much? Thankfully, Hange didn't seem to notice, and if they did, they made no note of it. Suddenly they shifted their laser focus to the three other people sitting at the table.
"Which one of you brutes made this lovely lady cry?" Your face flushed.
"Hange! I didn't cry, I only teared up a little, and it's no one's fault but my own." Hange frowned.
"But you've never been very emotional."
"I know. As cool as I am, it happens to the best of us." You responded jokingly. Hange let out a harsh laugh, and you quietly joined in.
"Well, I don't have much time, I only came to ask if you wanted to go get some drinks with me and Moblit soon. "
"I would love to. Just let me know okay?"
They nodded happily at this and sauntered back to the door. Abruptly they stopped in their tracks and turned.
"Bye bye, Levi!" They called back.
Ah, so they had noticed, they just wanted to be annoying about it. You surpressed a small smile as you eyed Levi, who wore an expression of disgust on his face. A small chuckle escaped your lips, and his head shot over to your direction. You feigned ignorance, pretending to look at your nails.
You watched the heavy wooden door close behind them, and turned back to your guests. Silently, you thanked them for livening up the mood, even if it was a slight difference.
"Sorry about them, I can assure you that you guys are completely fine, so please don't feel bad...I didn't mention it, but I was quite close to the soldier that died that day."
"I'm sorry for your loss." Furlan said quietly.
"Don't be...she wouldn't want me to mope around about it." You said, laughing a bit. Furlan grabbed your hand into his, earning him a weird look from Levi. They were warm.
"Please don't worry about us. We're smart, and we're very capable of taking care of ourselves. We won't die out there." Furlan said, resolutely.
Every bone in your body wanted to reject that statement. How could you promise that to someone? You couldn't. Promising someone something so earnestly puts heavy burden onto them. But you were tired...very tired. You decided to believe him. You smiled at him.
"Okay."
You slammed the large dusty binder shut with a groan. After they had left, you decided to get back to updating the catalog, a task that you had been putting off for far too long. You looked at the clock. Your conversation with Isabel, Furlan, and Levi had ended around four, and now it was... eleven...eleven? You gaped at the clock. That meant that you had been working for seven hours. Granted you had taken some breaks here and there, but it certainly hadn't taken up most of your time. Hell, it was almost time for your meeting with Levi. Quickly, you began navigating your way around your desk, which had somehow gotten even more cluttered since the last time you cleaned it, picking out the things that you thought you would need for the lesson, two pens, loose sheets of paper, and a small sheet that had the alphabet printed onto it. You had also picked out an old leather notebook to give to Levi, so he could practice on his own if he chose to.
After you collected all of your items, you organized them onto the long wooden table, and pulled up two small chairs, so that you and Levi would be sitting across from each other. Satisfied, you glanced back at the clock...eleven seventeen. Good thing I checked the time earlier so I could prepare. And you still had thirteen minutes to spare. You decided to get back to reading. You ran over to the romance section and pulled out one of your favorites. 'The Gentleman's Nursery'. It was about two lovers who only knew each other by letters, for they were separated by a 100 year old war. You had been in love with this book since you were a teenager. You slowly walked back to the couch seat as you flipped through the pages, scanning the chapter names and page numbers, looking for your favorite part. Ah, there it is. When they first meet each other. They meet by chance in the town's shop, but neither of them know who the other is, and they absolutely despise each other. The man thinks that the woman is far too crude for his taste, and the woman thinks the man is far too uptight. All the while, they've been writing letters professing their love to each other for the last ten months. You liked this chapter because it shows how far the couple comes in the end. The letters were reflections of the best parts of themselves, they were only showing what they wanted the other person to see, it wasn't authentic. And seeing them fall in love with the real versions of each other while slowly letting go of the ideals they held in the letters...it's satisfying.
"You need to watch your language, that's no way for a lady to speak." Maxwell said with distaste.
"Excuse me? This isn't your conversation to stick your nose in! If you ask me, that's far more rude than anything I've ever done." Catrina retorted.
"You're in a public space, you need to be respectful of those around you!" he insisted.
"No one else seemed to mind except for you!"
God, Catrina was your role model. She was everything you aspired to be. You looked down to adjust your skirt from it's uncomfortable position, and saw two unusually clean boots in front of you. Oh, it's Levi.
"Sorry, give me a moment." you mumbled, still looking down at the page number. One hundered and two. I'll have to remember th-
Suddenly Levi reached his cold hand out and grabbed your chin, and jerked it up to face him. You blinked, not quite processing what was happening. He leaned down slightly so that your faces were only inches away from each other. The sound of your heartbeat became very apparent in your ears. He looked down on you with an irked expression.
"Hey, look at me when you're speaking to me." He said in a low voice.
Oh dear.