Chapter 3

Tony couldn't take it. He was so worried about what Tim might decide to do that he didn't sleep well that night. He was up late, just pacing, and even when he got back to sleep, his mind was such that he still woke up early. He didn't know why he was freaking out, but talking to Tim had genuinely made him afraid. For himself.

At six-thirty, he gave up on sleeping and got out of bed. Why keep trying to calm himself down when it wasn't going to happen? At least the sun would be coming up soon.

"Tony?"

He turned around and saw that Jo was awake.

"Sorry for waking you up," he said.

Jo sat up in bed and smiled a little bit.

"You woke me up a long time ago, Tony. You shake the whole bed when you're tossing and turning. Maybe we need to invest in a new mattress."

Tony managed to laugh at that, but his heart wasn't in it, and Jo could see it.

"If you're so worried, Tony... just go and talk to him."

Tony paused. He had been about to head for the bathroom.

"What?"

"If you're so worried about what might happen with Tim, go and talk to him. I know you like to save serious conversations for the road trip, even if I think that's a little silly, but if the road trip doesn't happen at all, how will you have the talk you need? It's Sunday. You're not working. We have no plans for today, and I know it'll be a long drive, but if it's bothering you like this, then, do it."

Tony walked back and sat down on the bed.

"I can deal with it. I don't..."

Jo reached out and took his hand. "Of course, you can deal with it, but that doesn't mean that you should. Tony, I don't know if I've ever seen you so upset about something before. Just do it. In fact, get yourself ready and go now. Then, I'll still see you tonight."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm very sure. You just have to grovel at my feet next weekend since I'll be wrangling all the kids today," Jo said, grinning. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "I don't know if you need to be this worried, but if you are, then, you should do something about it, instead of just stewing."

Tony wanted to say no, but he couldn't deny that he really did want to go and talk to Tim before it was too late...even if that was melodramatic.

"Have I said that I love you recently?" he asked.

"Not recently enough if you have to ask," Jo said.

He kissed Jo quickly on the lips.

"I love you."

"Good. I love you, too. Now, get out of here and maybe without an earthquake on the bed, I'll be able to sleep a little longer this morning."

Tony smiled and hurried off to get dressed. He could grab some coffee and donuts on the way. He wouldn't tell Tim until he was almost there, even if that could backfire if Tim was doing something with his family today. Oh, well. He could wait.

He needed to have something to hold onto that would keep him from worrying so much.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

It was a beautiful late spring morning, and Tim was taking advantage of that. The house was blissfully quiet for a while. Delilah and the girls were inside making necklaces with a bead set that his parents had given them for Christmas. It took a lot of concentration and it was, amazingly enough, something that the twins were willing to concentrate on. Tim anticipated that Sarah and Maren would be getting new necklaces soon. One of Tommy's friends had invited him to a church activity which Tommy had mostly wanted to attend because of the promised refreshments afterward. He had a few friends who were religious and he'd gone to a mosque once in addition to a couple of different Christian services. The whole family had gone to the Eid al-Fitr, celebrating the end of Ramadan, as well as a Christmas party. One of Tommy's friends was Jewish and Tim figured that, if the friendship lasted, Tommy would probably ask to go to the bar mitzvah. Tommy was the kind of kid that people liked and because he was so curious about everything, he loved going to these events and learning all about them (by asking questions, of course). So Tommy was gone which made the house a lot quieter.

And Tim was out in the yard, enjoying this all-too-brief period where it was warm but not sweltering. He'd been sitting on the patio reading but now, he was simply lying out on the grass and watching the clouds. It was something he had loved doing as a kid and it was far too rare now that he had the time to do it. So he lay on his back and tried not to think about anything but the shapes of the fluffy cumulus clouds above his head.

Talking with Ducky had given him a little bit of stability and had helped him feel better about what he'd been trying with Gibbs. If Delilah had noticed anything when he'd come back, she hadn't said anything about it. He hadn't decided if Ducky was right about telling Dr. Bourning about what he'd been doing, although he could admit that having some guidance might be nice. It was like telling one person about how he felt had suddenly made things better; even his failure wasn't as serious.

Suddenly, his phone started ringing and he sighed, hoping that this wouldn't be a call to come into work. He treasured his Sundays off. It was a day when he was able to regain any lost equilibrium from the week (which was depressingly normal), and with this being another unsuccessful visit with Gibbs, he needed that. In fact, he was tempted not to answer at all, even though he knew he couldn't really do that.

Finally, he sighed again and pulled out his phone. He answered without looking at the display.

"Agent McGee," he said.

"Tim, how's it going?"

Tim sat up. "Hey, Tony. What's going on?"

"Why do you think something is going on?"

"Because you're calling me on Sunday and I just talked to you yesterday and you said you'd be calling on Monday. What's going on?"

"Are you doing anything at the moment?"

"No. Just enjoying the weather. Why?"

"No plans for the day?"

Tim felt his brow furrowing. "No... why?"

"Good."

There was a knock at the door.

"Um... Tony? You're not..."

He heard the front door open.

"Tony... what in the world are you doing here on a Sunday morning?" Delilah asked. "How early did you get up to get here?"

The twins squealed excitedly...and Tim could hear them in his ear and inside the house.

"Tony... you're at my house?" Tim asked over the phone.

"Yep."

Then, the call disconnected. Tim got to his feet and started to walk across the yard.

"I felt like a drive. Tim's here?" he heard Tony say with a fake nonchalance.

"That's a long drive. He's in the backyard."

Tim stepped inside and saw Tony. He was smiling at the girls' antics, but it was somewhat forced and Tim could see it. Tony really didn't feel like smiling.

"Hey, Tim. Want to go for a drive?" he asked.

"Tony, what... why are you here?" Tim asked, really not sure what to make of this.

"To go for a drive. Come with me," Tony said. "Please?"

And then, Tim knew that this was going to be something serious. Tony didn't beg. Tim glanced at Delilah and he could see she was surprised by Tony, too. Whatever was going on was serious and he shouldn't put it off, even if he really wasn't sure he was ready for another conversation with Tony right now.

"Uh... okay. Just let me get my shoes."

Tim went into the bedroom and he heard Delilah coming behind him while the girls were still excited about Tony being there.

"Tim, what's going on?" Delilah asked.

Tim turned around.

"I have no idea. I didn't know this was coming. I promise. Tony called me yesterday about Banff, but I don't know what he's here for. I guess I'll find out."

Delilah smiled a little bit. "Well, no road trips right now, okay?"

"Not my plan. If I have to, I'll jump out of the car and run back home," Tim said, smiling.

"Okay, okay. Whatever it is, I hope it's not too serious."

"So do I. I'll let you know."

"Okay. Have fun, then... if that's possible."

Tim shrugged and took a breath. "I don't know if it is this time."

"Let me know."

"I will."

Tim grabbed his shoes and put them on and then went back out. They both were attempting to climb up onto Tony's back, giggling all the time.

"Okay, girls. I've got to go with Tony. We'll be back in a while. Finish making your necklaces, okay?" Tim said.

Esther and Evelyn both whined a little, but then Esther went back to the beads. Evelyn whined a little more and then followed suit. Tim laughed and then looked at Tony.

"We'd better get out of here before they decide to be upset again," he said.

"Okay. Let's go."

They left the house and Tim got into Tony's car. Tony got in and started to drive. It was silent for a while. Awkwardly silent. Tim was trying to figure out what was going on and how to broach the subject. Tony just seemed to be focused on the drive.

After ten minutes, Tim couldn't stand it any longer.

"Okay, Tony. What is going on here?"

"Why does anything have to be going on?"

"You drove four hours to come here."

"It was less than that. Traffic wasn't too bad."

"Tony."

"Just be patient. We need to talk but I'm not doing it while I'm driving."

"About what?" Tim asked, although he guessed it was the road trip.

"Be patient."

"Tony."

"I'm not talking about it while I'm driving, Tim. Just be patient. I'll get to it."

"Okay, but I don't understand why you had to drive all the way up here instead of just calling," Tim said. He paused and then looked over at Tony. "Are you sick or something?"

Tony let out a short chuckle. "Or something," he said.

Tim was relieved at that. He had suddenly worried that this was Tony telling him he had some kind of terminal disease. With that not being the problem, he sat there silently as Tony drove them out of the city to Great Falls Park. They got out of the car and walked to one of the overlooks.

And it was still awkwardly silent. Tony was just standing there, looking at the river.

"Okay, Tony. What is going on?" Tim asked. "Why did you drive all the way up here to bring me to Great Falls Park?"

Tony took a deep breath. "Tim, we need to talk."

"About what?"

Tony looked away from the falls and raised an eyebrow.

"You know about what. The road trip."

"We already talked about it. We don't need to get into it again."

"Tim..." Tony stopped for a second. "Tim, the reason I'm here is because I'm... I'm terrified."

"Of what?" Tim asked.

"When my dad died... that was... Even though he was a dud, he was still my dad and we were related by blood. You can't change that. So I always had a family even if it sucked. Now, the only family I have isn't like that." Tony looked very earnest. "Tim, you can take it back. We're not really related. You can take back being my family and that scares me."

"Why would you think that I would?" Tim asked, in surprise. While Ducky had said Tony might be thinking about this, Tim hadn't really believed that Tony could be hanging so much on something like this.

"You're trying to get out of the road trip... and you never have before."

"Yeah, I have," Tim said. "The very first one if no other time. I was trying to get out of it until Gibbs threatened to fire me if I didn't go...or at least that was what I thought."

"No, Tim. When you were in your right mind, you never resisted going. Even when Delilah was pregnant with the twins, you didn't resist going. You just weren't sure about the timing. Now, you're resisting it, and if you start out resisting... I'm afraid of how far it will end up going."

"Tony, it's just a road trip," Tim said. "It's not as important as you seem to think it is."

"No, Tim. It isn't just a road trip. They never are. They never have been and they never will be." Tony faced him fully. "And I ruined the last one. I know you think you did, but I'm the one who ruined it because of what I said and you've never got over it. Not completely, and that's my fault. And I don't want to lose my family. Not any of it. I don't have enough family to deal with losing anyone. You said that there's no too far with family but you don't want to find out whether or not that's true. I'm scared that there is a too far and I reached it with you last year."

"Tony... no. It was one moment. You were stressed out and you were frustrated. It happens," Tim said.

"Yeah, but it shouldn't. We both know that you never got over it."

Now, it was Tim's turn to look away. He shrugged and turned to the river.

"And I really think you would have if I hadn't said the same things that you tell yourself way too often. I think that we would have got back to normal on the trip if I hadn't accused you of the worst thing that I could have, the thing you're always afraid of happening. I did that... and not because you even deserved it in any way. I can still hear you saying that all you'd done was stop to look at an interesting tree. After that, all through the trip, you were afraid to do anything for yourself. I kept trying to make up for it, but I couldn't. And now... Tim, whether this makes me the biggest weakling in the world or a major sap, I'm scared. I hate to admit it, but I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm going to lose my family. Not Jo and our kids. I'm scared I'm going to lose my brother... because of what I did, what I said."

Tim didn't know how to respond to this. He could tell that Tony was being honest. He really was that afraid, and the thing was that Tim had never even considered that as a possible outcome. He had never even thought about the idea that he'd drop Tony or rescind his offer to be Tony's family. Families didn't always get along. They even hurt each other sometimes. That didn't mean they were no longer family.

"Tim, please. I'm on the verge of getting on my knees and begging you. Going on this road trip is important. It's not just about fun. It never is, but it's about family and I need you to keep being my family. I don't have anyone to put in your place. You still have family without me. I can't say the same about myself."

Tim looked at Tony. "Tony... families can disagree without falling apart."

"That's not what this is, and we both know it. It's not about disagreeing. Tim, I couldn't sleep. I was tossing and turning and it was because I kept thinking about what I'd do if you decided to throw in the towel. I would deserve it if you did."

"Tony, stop," Tim said. "You're turning this trip into the be all and end all of everything in our lives. Yes, what you said hurt me. No, I'm not strong enough to throw it off even though I know I should, especially after a year. None of that means that I'm going to take back being your family. Why would you think I'd be that petty?"

"It's not about being petty. You're not," Tony said. "It's that I want to give you an easy road trip, something that can get us back on track and you're acting like we don't need that. Do you really want to go another year with this strain? I don't. I hate it. Every time we get together, I hate it, and I don't think you like it, either. Can't you see that this would help?"

Tim sighed and walked over to where he could sit down.

"What if it doesn't?" he asked. "What if it doesn't make anything easier?"

Tony walked over and sat down beside him.

"It would. It will. I know it will because with the exception of last year, every road trip we've taken has made things better. Every single one. And the only reason last year didn't was because of me."

"No, Tony. You can't take all the blame. I'm the one who had a meltdown," Tim said.

"You wouldn't have been stuck in it for as long if I hadn't said those things to you. You were getting out of it when we went to the Everglades."

"I already forgave you."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean you're not still hurt," Tony said. "Please, Tim. Go on this road trip. Let's go and have fun and not worry about whether or not we're supposed to just have fun or have serious talks. We'll go on hikes, look at glaciers, look at lakes, and we'll be better for doing it. This is the real trip. Last year was a detour."

Tim looked down and took a breath. Tony had revealed his fear. Tim knew he should reciprocate. He didn't want to, but he knew he should.

"What if I fall apart again?" he asked. "Tony, when it happens I can't stop it. I try, but when I'm in the midst of it, I do everything wrong. It happens every time, and when I'm fine, I think that there's no way I'll get into that same mind set again. But I always do, and I don't know what will cause it. The likelihood of Gibbs showing up there is astronomically low. Ducky said he'd tackle Gibbs to keep him from going if he had to."

Tony laughed at that.

"But all it would take is a bad nightmare and I might fall back into it again. And you hate it. I hate it, and I always mess up dealing with it. I don't want to do that to you again. And I'm afraid I would, that my worry would turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy and it would happen just because I'm afraid of it happening." Tim stared at his hands for a few seconds. "I hate that I can't get rid of this mess in my head."

Tony scooted closer and put an arm around his shoulders.

"Then, a road trip like this is just what we both need. And if you have a nightmare, we'll make a deal that you'll ask for help and I'll help you and we won't even talk about it the next morning if you do. We'll just get through that and then go on. Without the boys there, you won't have to worry about scaring them. You know I won't be scared...not of that."

"You don't have to be scared about losing family, either," Tim said, sitting up. "It doesn't work like that. Sure, we're not related by blood, but I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it. That doesn't go away."

"Tim... will you go?"

Tim smiled ruefully and looked at Tony.

"I have to ask, you know," Tim said. "Are you sure you really want to?"

Tony smiled back.

"I'm sure," he said.

"Okay. Then, let's go," Tim said.