Chapter 3 - The Revelation

It had been ten months since Matthew died, and April had spent nearly all of that time living with Jackson. To April's surprise, the living arrangement was practically perfect. She half expected Jackson to get tired of her being in his space, all while being an emotional mess. April was never good with grief; the added layer of betrayal by someone she thought she knew made it all the more difficult to cope with her feelings of anger and guilt. April had to process so much more than Matthew's death; she had to figure out how to get closure on all the things left unsaid. The one thing April was most grateful for through all the mess her life had become was the way Jackson stepped up to take care of her and Harriet. Every morning and every night, she prayed for Jackson; he had become the blessing she never knew she needed and made sure God heard it.

Over the last month, April was beginning to feel like herself again. It wasn't easy, but with therapy, prayer, and meditation, she was finding her way back. April felt ready to have fun again, to smile again, to live again. Her therapist encouraged her to begin by saying "yes" to the things that scared her. So, never one to back down from a challenge, she said yes - to a date. It was 7 P.M. on a Friday night, and April was putting the final touches on her outfit. She was wearing a sexy black bodycon midi dress with a knee-length split up her left leg. She wore black strappy stilettos, and her wavy red hair was worn down and swept to the side. April applied red lipstick as a final touch, and after one last glance in the mirror, she felt more confident than she had in a long time.

As April walked through the living room to grab her coat, Jackson, who was watching a basketball game on the couch, did a double-take and uttered, "Wow, you look -"

"Don't say I look cute," April interjected.

"Sexy."

April blushed, "Thank you."

Jackson gazed at April for longer than he intended; catching himself, he cleared his throat, "Where exactly are you going?"

"Believe it or not, I barely can; I have a date."

Jackson's face fell, and his voice took on a serious tone, "A date?" he questioned, "Like a date, date?"

April chuckled, "Yeah, a real date. And I'm going to be late if I don't leave now."

Jackson stood up and walked towards April with a look of concern on his face. He remarked, "Don't you think you're maybe moving a little too fast? Are you certain you're ready to start dating?"

April looked up at Jackson and sighed, "Maybe. I don't know. I mean, it's been ten months, and maybe that's not long enough, but I feel like I'm ready. I know I want to be. I want to feel happy again. I'm finally putting the pieces of my life back together, and you're a big part of that, Jackson. I just don't want to feel stuck in this place of limbo anymore where I cherry-pick what emotion I'm going to feel each day, and it's always a variation of sadness, emptiness, or anger. Tonight, I choose joy."

At that moment, despite her best efforts, April's eyes began to well up with tears. This was the most honest she had been about her true feelings outside of her therapy sessions. April had been carrying such a heavy burden and didn't want to give any of it to Jackson. He was already doing so much for her. But it hurt not to share her deepest feelings with the one person she trusted more than anyone in the world. It was an added weight that affected her more deeply than she realized.

"Oh God, my face is going to look like a mess! You're right; this is too soon," she decided. Feeling defeated, April walked over to the couch, took off her shoes, and flopped down, "Ugh, I'm just going to cancel."

Jackson felt guilt wash over him. He walked over to the couch, sat next to April, and looked over at her, "I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean to judge, and it's probably not my place, but I just want to look out for you; I can't see you get hurt again."

April sighed, "No, it's okay. If I'm honest, I was already having doubts; it's just that I promised myself not to live my life in fear. I feel like I've been doing that a lot lately, and I wanted to break that pattern." She looked down at her hands and noticed she was playing with the bare finger she used to wear her wedding ring. "Everything I've gone through with Matthew made me realize that life is short, and I have to soak up all the joy that I can, while I still can. Choosing fear is what got me here in the first place, so I know there's nothing that can offer me but pain."

Jackson was surprised by April's transparency. She didn't often talk about what she felt when it came to Matthew. He knew April was going to therapy and trusted that she would talk about it when she was ready, or maybe it would be something they never needed to discuss. But now that she had opened the door, he felt compelled to hear more; he wanted to draw her closer.

"What choice did you make out of fear that you feel got you here?" he asked.

April looked into Jackson's eyes deeply. She was searching for something in them, and she didn't know what until she felt a sense of safety wash over her. Jackson was and had always been her haven, her rock, her person. At that moment, she knew, without a doubt, that would never change.

"It's a lot, Jackson...maybe too much."

"You can tell me anything, April. You do know that don't you?" he responded.

April nodded, "I do."

She turned her body towards Jackson, preparing to tell him everything she had held inside all these months. The only person she's shared these details with was her therapist, and she was prepared to keep it that way until now. For whatever reason, something shifted tonight; she wasn't sure what, but she intended to follow where her intuition was taking her. April quickly took out her phone and texted the man she was meant to meet for dinner. She knew she wouldn't make it to her date tonight, not after this conversation with Jackson.

Taking a deep breath, April began an explanation that would change everything, "Okay, the truth is, Matthew and I were having problems, BIG problems before he died. That's part of what's made it so hard for me to move forward. We didn't leave things in the best place when the accident happened, and I've felt a great deal of guilt and grief over that. We were in a bad place, and it was partially my fault. Honestly, I think it goes back to the day we got married." April could see confusion all over Jackson's face as his eyebrows furrowed; she felt a knot in her stomach but continued, "That day, deep down, I knew it wasn't right, but I was afraid. I was afraid of being alone; I was afraid of saying 'no' again. I mean, here was someone willing to forgive me for everything I'd done, at a time when all I was searching for was forgiveness. I had been in such a dark place for so long, and you were happy; everyone seemed happy. But I wasn't. I had never felt so alone. So when Matthew came back into my life and then asked me to marry him, I thought, maybe it was my second chance at happiness, maybe it was my chance to do it right."

April felt like she was reliving those moments all over again. She couldn't say it to Jackson, but she knew she was still hopelessly in love with him when she agreed to marry Matthew. The thing is, she was also certain that Jackson didn't love her anymore. They had both hurt each other in unimaginable ways, and she didn't believe they could ever recover. This was a truth she couldn't reveal to Jackson. What good would it do? What purpose would it serve to say when she woke up from her coma she knew it was his face she'd see? That it was his face she wanted to see? What would be the point of saying she wished he stood up once again and told her she was making a mistake? It didn't matter then, and it certainly didn't matter now. They were no longer those people anymore. Thank God for that. But even knowing this, April felt something missing deep within her soul. It was so subtle one might not even notice it. But in remembering these past moments, she could finally put a name to it. It was the loss of a dream, the feeling when your wildest, grandest, most beautiful dream is taken from you. You can live without it, you can be happy in its absence, but it never truly leaves you. You're changed. Forever.

Holding back tears, April looked up to the ceiling and continued, "A part of me had always believed everything that went wrong between us was some type of karma for the pain that I caused. So no, I wasn't going to turn down Matthew's marriage proposal. I couldn't embarrass him in front of everyone again. It felt like the right thing to do at the time, and I did love Matthew, truly I did. Maybe our relationship wasn't perfect, but it was good - sometimes all we get out of life is good." April looked at Jackson with a fond smile, "And I remember thinking I've had perfect already. You and I. It felt perfect to me, but we couldn't make it work in the end. So I chose differently. I chose good, believing that good can be happy too."

April paused, noticing Jackson was looking back at her in disbelief.

"This is too much; I knew it. Too much April!" she exclaimed.

Jackson was shocked by what he was hearing, but he didn't want April to stop. He wanted to hear it all; he needed to. So he replied, "No, it's not too much. It is a lot to take in, though. I had no idea you were holding all of this inside. Please, keep going. I promise it's not too much."

"OK, well, if I'm going to continue, I need a drink. You look like you could use one too."

Jackson nodded, "Yeah."

April walked over to the kitchen and grabbed one of the bottles of wine in the wine fridge. Placing two glasses on the counter, she poured each to the brim.

Jackson followed April to the kitchen and sat at the counter directly across from her. He picked up the wine glass she set down in front of him and took a big gulp, "Is this my 2014 Verite Cabernet La Joie?!" he exclaimed.

April looked at the bottle and grinned, "It totally is! Wow, you've got some taste buds on you."

Jackson exclaimed, "That's a $700 bottle of wine, April! I was saving that for a special occasion."

April's mouth dropped, "$700?! Did it come with the fireplace?!"

"Ha...Ha, very cute."

April sat down and took another sip of wine before picking up where she left off, "This part isn't pretty. I'm ready to tell it, but I don't want you to think of me differently; promise me you won't?"

Jackson looked into April's eyes intensely, "There's nothing that you could ever say that would change the way that I feel about you."

April smiled, "I know. Well, once Matthew and I settled into marriage, I started to feel like I was losing myself. Some days I'd wake up and feel completely empty. I loved volunteering at the homeless shelter, but I felt like something was missing, and it started to become clear why that was. I'd drive past a car accident and would get the urge to run out and help people, but I wouldn't get out, and I wouldn't help, and it felt wrong." April paused and thought back on what was one of the worst experiences of her life, "Matthew didn't understand any of it; he felt like we had the perfect life. It hurt to express my unhappiness and to be met with denial of what I was feeling. He'd say that it would pass, but it didn't. Then when I expressed my desire to go back to Grey Sloan Memorial, he didn't support my decision. Things went downhill from there."

Jackson interjected, "Wait, you wanted to come back to the hospital?! April. I begged you to come back so many times, and you told me you were happy where you were and couldn't see yourself returning to Grey Sloan. I could've made it happen. Why didn't you say anything?"

April replied, "I knew Matthew would never come around to the idea. He hated Grey Sloan and everything it represented; the pain, the drama, you. In his mind, I just needed more distractions, more work, just more to do. He actually thought a baby would help to fill the void."

Jackson couldn't hide the disbelief he was feeling at hearing all of these revelations. He could barely wrap his head around the fact that April omitted her desire to return to Grey Sloan. She actually lied to him. It hurt him to know that April didn't feel she could trust him enough with the truth. They had so many conversations, and she never expressed her unhappiness. Jackson hated he was not able to be there for her in the way that she truly needed. Then the baby? He didn't know what to do with that. All of it was too much to process at once, but he wanted to know everything.

April could see that Jackson was struggling to make sense of it all. It was as if she could tell exactly what he was thinking at that moment. She grabbed his hands and said, "I need you to know it was never my intention to lie to you, and I hated every second of it. You just had so much of your own stuff you were dealing with, and I know you, Jackson. I know at the first sign of trouble you would've come running to save me. But I couldn't put that burden on you; I needed to save myself."

"How do you do that?" Jackson replied.

"What?"

"How do you know exactly what I'm thinking or feeling before I can even put words to it?"

April smiled, "I know you in the very same way you know me. Not to mention you and I have had a lot of practice."

"That we have." Jackson noticed April was shifting uncomfortably in the chair, "How about we head back to the living room? Don't want you to fall out of the chair like last time" he chuckled.

They headed back to the living room and sat side by side on the couch. April took a moment to slowly breathe in and out, utilizing a technique she learned in therapy when faced with difficult emotions. Although she had gone through this storytelling process many times, it didn't make it any easier to say aloud, most especially to Jackson.

"Oh gosh, where did I leave off?" April asked.

Jackson gulped nervously, "You...you said Matthew wanted another baby?"

"That's right, Matthew wanted to have another child. Even now, it's hard remembering that. I don't think he understood how hard it was for me to even consider it after Samuel and the trauma of bringing Harriet into the world. Then with Ruby, we already had two small children in the house; I couldn't imagine how another child would make things better. But Matthew insisted another baby from the both of us would change things. I'd have another person to pour love into, and it would fix everything. He wanted to fix me. As if I was broken somehow." April looked up as tears started to well up in her eyes, "I wasn't broken. I've been broken before; I know what that feels like. I resented him for treating me like I was, and he resented me for not giving him what he wanted or being what he needed. Unforgivable things were said and done. He grew cold and distant. I thought he hated me and that maybe I deserved it. We barely even saw each other towards the end."

It took everything for Jackson to keep his face neutral, but everything April said made his blood boil. He knew Matthew was gone, but he couldn't help but feel that he would want to meet him face-to-face if he weren't. Seeing April hurt cut Jackson deeply, and hearing her blame herself cut even more. But the anger he felt towards Matthew didn't compare to the deep guilt and regret he felt. Jackson knew he had practically pushed April into Matthew's arms. It would take him some time to forgive himself for that, and he wondered if he ever truly would. He figured asking God for forgiveness might be a good place to start. Knowing that April needed physical touch at that moment, Jackson instinctively reached out and cupped her hands in his. He lifted her hands to his mouth and kissed them tenderly.

April let out a sigh of relief, "I wanted so badly to fix things Jackson, and I tried. I even agreed to give him what he wanted and try for a baby. But it was too late. We were so far gone by that point. And that's where we were when the accident happened. I felt sick every single day, knowing that's how we left things. I replayed our lives over and over again, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Sometimes I think Matthew fell in love with the woman I was when we first met, except I hadn't been her in a very long time, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't go back; I'd outgrown that small space I used to occupy. Then, there are days I blame myself for being too stubborn, too selfish, too ambitious, too much."

"Why'd you do it, April?"

"Do what?"

Jackson caught himself before he asked the question that had been on his mind since April married Matthew. He had often wondered, why did she have to do it? If she had only waited for him just a little longer. It wasn't fair to expect that from her, and he had no right to be hurt by her choice; after all, he was the one that pushed for the divorce in the first place. But Jackson couldn't help how he felt. As irrational as it was, he wished it had never come to this. Deep down, Jackson thought they would find their way back to each other. He never intended to marry anyone else because when he thought of marriage, it was only April's face he could envision walking down the aisle towards him. It was an unspoken certainty that he foolishly thought April felt too. This was yet another example of how Jackson's inaction and inability to speak his truth caused others pain, including himself.

"I'm sorry, I meant to ask why would you think that you are to blame, April?"

"What else am I supposed to think? Matthew wouldn't have done what he did if he didn't blame me too."

April thought back to Matthew's betrayal. It was one of the first things she shared with Jackson when she moved in. He had asked why Ruby wasn't with her as he thought she was part of the deal. Old feelings of hurt came up as April recollected that conversation. It was a feeling she knew all too well - the loss of a child. April loved Matthew's daughter as if she were her own. Matthew knew this and even changed his will so that if something ever happened to him, April would be Ruby's legal guardian. So it came as a heartbreaking surprise when she learned from Matthew's mother he had changed his will without her knowledge. It felt like one last cut to her heart. He did it to hurt her, and she struggled with this knowledge.

Was she such a terrible person? Did she deserve this? We always think we are better people than we are until someone holds a mirror up to us and exposes the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves we wish weren't there. What did Matthew's actions reveal about her, she thought. Matthew's parents were very kind when it came to giving April updates on Ruby, but it wasn't the same; she was miles away in another state now. April would never tuck her into bed again or pray with her at night. She'd never watch Harriet and Ruby play together in the park or see them grow into beautiful young women.

Jackson could see the pain on April's face, "Don't do that. Don't even for a second blame yourself. We all have things that make us happy outside of other people, and that's okay. We're all in search of our purpose, that thing that fulfills us. I know I am. No one should ever make you feel ashamed of that. You didn't do anything wrong."

It was difficult for Jackson not to take on April's problems as his own. The very thing she tried to shield him from is what he wanted to know so that he could protect her. Jackson continued, "You can't take on the burden of everyone's actions, Matthew made choices that were all his own, and you have to live with the consequences of his decisions. Don't add guilt to that. And because you'll never hear it from him, I'm sorry, April. I'm sorry for everything you've been through, the unimaginable pain and the weight of carrying it. I'm sorry that you even have to question if you deserve any of it. I just wish you had told me all of this earlier so I could've said that sooner."

At that instant, Jackson understood his apology for Matthew was just as much his own apology to April. He realized questioning why April married Matthew in the first place was a selfish notion ever to have. It's easier to blame someone else for a situation that went wrong, so you don't have to consider how you've fallen short. He realized by reading into April's decisions; he never had to examine his own motives and actions. Focusing on her kept him from holding himself accountable and admitting he had made mistakes. He looked over at April with admiration; it always amazed him how one conversation with her could change his perspective on so many things.

April felt a huge weight lift from her shoulders. Jackson always had a way of making her feel grounded and supported, "I need you to know that not telling you this sooner had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I didn't want to bleed all over you. I was trying to bury it and move forward somehow," she said.

Jackson replied, "I understand, maybe more than you know. But one thing I've learned is you can't move forward unless you confront it, and sometimes confronting it means saying it out loud."

April looked over at Jackson with admiration and chuckled, " When did you get so wise?"

Jackson shrugged, "You missed quite a lot, kid."

Realizing how late it was getting, Jackson and April stood up in synchronicity to call it a night. They grabbed hold of each other and hugged for what seemed like forever; April's face snuggled into Jackson's chest and his face buried in her hair. Time seemed to stand still. April's small frame fit so perfectly against Jackson's body. He could hold her forever if she'd let him. There was nothing between them anymore - space, lies, things left unsaid.

Things left unsaid, Jackson thought.

At that moment, Jackson knew that wasn't entirely true. There was something that had not yet been said. Something he's always known, what everyone around him had been hinting at this whole time - he was hopelessly, unequivocally in love with April.

"Shit."