The look of shock still falls across my face and I can feel my heart beating in my ears. The weight of what Sarah just said hangs in the air, consuming the entire atmosphere of our living room. "Do you need to sit down?" Sarah's voice snaps me back, she just stands there awkwardly as she waits for me to say something.
"I-I think I'll sit down" I stammer, when I opened my mouth to talk it feels like I have been in the desert without water for weeks. I don't remember another time my mouth has felt this dry in my entire life. I fall back onto the couch and can almost feel the room spinning around me, I lay my head in my hands to try and try to keep the room still.
"Tell me what you are thinking Chuck" Her voice is soft, she knows I am taking everything in and she is trying to soften the blow. It makes a knot form in the pit of my stomach. Everything about this situation is wrong. I remember us talking about this moment for so long and how excited we would be, and here I am spiraling out of control and to her I am merely a stranger. As that thought crosses my mind it somehow manages to make me feel worse, she knows only a handful of things about me and here she is carrying my baby. A baby she doesn't even remember making. That is the thought that just makes me feel dirty almost, everything that was supposed to be so right now feels so wrong.
"I honestly don't know what to feel" I'm not lying when I say that, buried under all those conflicted emotions are still the excitement I feel about becoming a father. Knowing that our love is not completely gone like I thought.
"Me either" Sarah tells me as she sits down next to me on the couch. I have spent this time only thinking about how this is effecting me but I am not the one who is pregnant and with no memory of how it happened. Her whole world has changed more times than she can count and a majority of that was just the last month. Of course she doesn't know what to think, but like always she is handling it a lot better than me and keeping her composure.
"Did you go to the doctor today?" I couldn't keep that to myself, I am dying to know if she went and had an ultrasound yet. I would be devastated if I missed anything about our baby, especially hearing their little heartbeat for the very first time.
"No, I just took a few pregnancy tests. Three at some coffee shop and another one just a few minutes ago. I wanted to be absolutely sure before I told you" Her voice never waivers but something is different, I am sure she is scared.
"Okay, so then we should probably want to schedule a doctor's appointment as soon as possible" I spent the last few days worried the intersect was causing damage to more than Sarah's memories and now I don't even know what possibly could have happened to a developing fetus. My joy is yet again covered by fear of the unknown.
"I'll let you know when I want to do that" Her response is low and short, I can tell she is keeping something from me.
"I can schedule it if you want, we are still on the same insurance so it will be quick and easy. I'll even ask Ellie to recommend the place she went when she was pregnant with Clara" I remember her hesitance to go to the doctor when we thought she was just sick so hopefully me mentioning somewhere Ellie trusted with her own baby will make her feel safer.
"I told you I would have to think about it" She is angry now, I could never forget the annoyed tone my wife seems to save exclusively for me. She gets up off the couch and walks over to the kitchen. I follow quick behind her worried she is about to storm away.
"Sarah, I don't mean to freak you out but this past week when you were so sick I thought it was side effects of what happened with the intersect and it was causing more than just memory problems, with a baby to think about this is even more unknown and I just want to make sure you are both safe" She still isn't facing me and instead grabs a glass out of the cabinet and runs it under the tap. It seems like it takes forever for that glass to fill up as I wait for her to say something next.
"I just don't want to schedule an appointment until I know what I want to do" She raises the glass to her lips and just lets that sentence hang in air as I yet again feel the shock course through my body. She finishes the glass quickly and returns it back to under the faucet, the sound of the water echoes through the kitchen and my heart.
"What do you mean?" I don't think I just speak. My tone is accusatory, baiting her to say what we both know is already unsaid.
"I'm not sure what I want to do" She says it again with another slice to my heart. The thought of her not wanting to keep this baby is almost too much to bear. This is something that we both wanted for so long and yet she might want to throw it all away? The look on her face is a mix of annoyance for me but underneath that all is fear and that makes me start to think more rationally. I can feel panic and remorse set in after what I just said to her. The panic is the fact that she still doesn't know much about me and now she has the wrong impression of what I think. It is her body and absolutely her choice to make, I want her to know that. She didn't ask to be in this situation and this Sarah who stands before me had absolutely no plans to have a baby in general, especially not with a stranger.
"Sarah I'm sorry" I walk up to her and gently place my hand on her shoulder. I can feel the tenseness that courses through her body and I feel as it relaxes beneath my touch. That is something her mind might not recall but her body still does. "I want you to do anything that you are comfortable with, that is my main priority" I hope she believes me, but I could understand why she wouldn't after my initial reaction. I know this absolutely has not helped her become more comfortable with me or even get to know me and who I am as a person. She sets the glass down on the counter in front of us and stares blankly ahead. I watch the gears turning in her head, she hasn't even said anything else and yet I know it is going to be yet another revelation to me.
"I just didn't want it to be true" She tells me as she pulls away from my touch but I think its her words that stings the most, I knew Sarah isn't the same person she was but the fact that having my baby makes her this upset makes me feel horrible, this was supposed to be the next happiest day of our lives. I can't help but think of that day on the bullet train, the last time we actively tried to have a baby and looks like it worked. I wish my Sarah from that day was here with me now. I stare at my wife as I think of some way to respond to that and can't help but feel like I am looking at a ghost. I yearn for someone that is no longer here.
"You wouldn't have known, you didn't have any memory of us ever having sex, let alone actively trying for a baby before everything happened" Saying it out loud makes it feel dirtier.
"I mean I suspected for a little bit when I was late" She walks a little further away from me again and still talks low, she is being honest but still knows I am not going to like what I am going to say in response.
"How long did you think you were pregnant for?" I try not to sound angry but I can't believe she would keep this from me. All those days I worried sick about her and she had some sort of inclination about why she was getting so sick.
"I guess when I didn't get my period Chuck, I really don't know what you want me to say" She has now completely walked out of the kitchen and is walking down the hall. Here comes the storm out I was expecting from her.
"I just don't know why you wouldn't tell me" I follow close behind her as I talk, I am not letting her end this conversation this way.
"Because I knew you would act like this" She turns to look me in the eyes when she says this. The blows just keep on coming today, I knew I am not handling this great but I forgot how mean Sarah could be when she still has her guard up.
"Sarah, I am sorry" I can't make anything else come out of my mouth, I just hope she can look between this plead to see everything I am trying to say.
"I just need to be left alone right now Chuck. I know this isn't what you want to hear right now but if I'm being honest I don't really know what to do right now. Just give me some space please" She doesn't even wait to hear what I have to say next as she backs away and goes into her room and closes the door behind her. I can't imagine leaving the apartment right now so I just wander into my own room and close my door. I fall onto the bed and find myself yet again just looking up at the ceiling with my mind filled with Sarah. I turn to lay on my side and look over at the wall and knowing Sarah's makeshift bedroom is just behind those walls. This is the closest I can be to both my wife and unborn child right now and it is the last situation I ever thought I would be in just a few months ago when we got serious about trying to have a baby. I close my eyes and just let the darkness overtake me, knowing it will drown out the thoughts swirling around in my head.
When my eyes open again the room is completely dark, the only light is coming from my alarm clock that tells me it well after seven. I managed to sleep the whole day away, that night on the couch really must not have done me any good that I easily slept for that long, that and how much mental exhaustion we faced today. I wish I could go check on Sarah, I'm sure she is exhausted too and maybe now that we have had some time apart she is ready to talk again. I sit up in bed and contemplate walking to her room right now, I feel so scared that she didn't even miss me today and she was just happy to have to some time away. The sound of my phone ringing makes the decision for me, I pick it up from the night stand and see a new call is coming in from Ellie. "Hello" hearing my groggy voice startled me a bit, I'm sure Ellie is going to wonder why I sound like hell.
"Hey Chuck, is everything okay?" The big sister concern is right on que.
"Yeah, I'm okay. I just woke up, sorry" I know she called to ask about Sarah but I am trying to stall as long as I can. I didn't want today to be the way I found out about becoming a father and this is not the way I imagined telling one of the people I love most in this world that she is going to be an aunt.
"That's fine, I was calling back because I was home from work and I wanted to talk more about Sarah's symptoms and see when we can get you guys a flight here. Was she exhibiting the symptoms again today? You hung up so quickly earlier I didn't get to talk as much as I wanted, these are definitely real concerns to have" Ellie cares so much, keeping the news of the pregnancy will only make her worry more. I also gave up lying to my sister a long time ago and I was not going to revert back to my old spy ways.
"Actually I probably would have called you back anyway. It was a false alarm sort of-" I pause and have to almost mentally prepare myself to get the words out next. "Sarah is pregnant, she told me today when we were on the phone so that's why I hung up so quickly" I hold my breath waiting to hear her response.
"Oh my god Chuck, that's amazing news" Her voice is filled with pure joy, it brings me back to the memory of when Ellie told me she was pregnant with Clara and how happy it made me to know our family tree was growing instead of shrinking like we had been so used to for so long.
"I hope it is" I am so somber when I talk about this with my sister, I know next I am going to not only have to voice my concerns about how there still could be heath risks the intersect left behind and of course the possibility of her not going through with the pregnancy at all.
"Chuck, even from the other side of the country I can tell when you are keeping something from me. I know you are still concerned about Sarah's health so I can branch out my research to incorporate pregnancy. But the good news is that all those symptoms are completely normal signs of pregnancy so I'm sure Sarah is just fine and just has some morning sickness. Actually morning sickness means that the fetus is developing correctly and everything is already right on track" Everything she tells me reassures me that our baby is most likely not currently or hopefully never will be effected by the damage the intersect caused on our Sarah. The bad thing is that won't even matter if Sarah ends the pregnancy.
"She isn't sure if she is going to have the baby" The words float out of my mouth and I desperately want to take them back. I imagine myself chasing them through the air the way a child does with a bubble, we are always unable to catch what she sent off into the world. Trying to chase after them doesn't make it any less true, this is the situation I am in and if I can't talk to Sarah about it I have to talk to someone.
"Oh, I'm sorry Chuck" I ruined her mood and joy just as quickly as mine was ruined earlier today. I can't even tell myself if I was intentionally doing that, if I can't be happy why should she be. I seem to be unconsciously selfish when I am groggy, my filter isn't in operation and I can't seem to help myself. I can tell Ellie doesn't know what to say and she knows neither do I so she continues talking. "Have you told Sarah you support her decision no matter what? I know this all must be scary for her" Of course Ellie knows the right thing to say immediately, if only Sarah could have just let Ellie break the news to me that she might want to have this baby. This harsh truth brought Ellie back to knowing Sarah is not the same person she was before and Ellie knows that it is a question about what Sarah will do, I just assumed it would have been the same thing as before. Each and everyday makes me feel like I didn't really know my wife at all. Either that or all the growth we have done together made me forget about all the walls we had to tear down to get here.
"I said all the wrong things Ellie" I can feel myself breaking down as each word falls out, I can't help it. I love Sarah and I already love this baby, I am so scared if I lose one I will lose both. That is a thought I haven't even been able to consider but now that it crossed my mind I know it won't go away. There is a strong possibility Sarah choses to end this pregnancy, and I know it is her decision but I really don't know if I could stay with her wondering what if about something we already had. I never gave much thought about this topic before but when it comes to my Sarah and our baby we wanted for so long it makes it impossible for me to imagine a world without him or her now that I know they are already here, already made.
"I don't really think there was any right or wrong way you could have reacted. You are my brother Chuck and I know you want to have a baby with Sarah, but I promise you if this just isn't the time you guys will be okay" Her words are meant to comfort but I know even my sister who has all the answers doesn't have the answers for me this time.
"I'm just scared of what will happen if we don't, I don't know how we could move on" I can't keep this inside any longer.
"That will then be your decision to make, just like this pregnancy is her decision to make. Everything about her life has been taken from her Chuck, she deserves to have some control back, especially over her own body" The way Ellie puts that actually makes more sense than anything I could have cooked up in my head, but it still can't stop the tears from flowing. I hear a knock on my bedroom door and the sound of the nob turning, Sarah opens the door and I didn't realize I was still sitting in utter darkness until the hallway light shines in. Sarah's face is yet again like a halo of illumination. The amount of times she looks like a literal angel is just too many times to count.
"Is now a bad time?" Even the sound of her voice sounds like an angel. I motion for her to come in with my one hand that isn't holding my phone up to my ear and then point towards the phone so she knows it will just be a second.
"Ellie I actually have to let you go now, Sarah and I were going to get some dinner but I promise I will call you tomorrow" I perk my voice up a bit when I speak to my sister, I don't want Sarah to know I was crying. I also can feel my mood brighten just from having Sarah in my presence again, it's like she carries a glow with her.
"I'll talk to you soon little brother, I love you and let Sarah know I love her too. Remember everything will be okay, just be honest and open with each other" It wouldn't be a conversation with Ellie without her packing in as much wisdom as she possibly can.
"I love you too El" I quickly hang up the phone so I can wipe my eyes before Sarah notices I was crying, I don't want to try and make her feel like my emotions are going to effect her decision at all.
"I know you have been sleeping for a while and I didn't want to wake you, I heard you on the phone and hoped it was a good time to talk" She sits down next to me on the bed, I suddenly realize this is the first time she has laid in our bed with me in over a month now.
"Yeah it is. I just want to start by saying how sorry I am Sarah, I wasn't thinking about things from your perspective. Of course you aren't sure about wanting to have a baby right now, without your memories you are Sarah five years ago that the idea of having a baby was scarier than any bad guy you could be taking on. So I want you to take all the time you need to decide and I will be there with you every step of the way" Saying all of this out loud makes me know I truly mean this. I know everything will be okay.
"And you are absolutely right about that, I am terrified of any type of commitment and a baby is the biggest type of commitment you can have-" she takes a pause like she is bracing me for a big impact, this time I know I can handle it. "But Sarah two months ago was ready for this and I spent the day finding out how much" This is a complete surprise, so it was herself she was bracing for what she was going to say next.
"What do you mean?" I see she is starting to cry silently and I put my arm around her and pull her close.
"I wanted to look up anything and everything on pregnancy and I found my laptop and as soon as I opened it up there was a whole list of baby names in some word document, I wanted this and I prepared for it" The tears keep falling and I hold on tighter. I rub her hair and wish I could take away her pain. She clearly is having a hard time dealing with all this.
"Sarah you are crying so much, you don't have to pretend you are okay with this just for me, I want you to do whatever you are comfortable with" I whisper into her ear in a soothing voice in an attempt to calm her down. She pulls away from me, I somehow managed to clearly make her feel worse.
"I don't think you are understanding. I am just crying so much because of stupid pregnancy hormones, I can't seem to turn these off" She lets out a small laugh and wipes her face. "I don't know the person I became after all this time, but I do know that this baby was something I wanted and if I just gave it up and someday got my memories back I know I would never forgive myself. This isn't about just you and me, it's about the person you fell in love with and clearly loved you enough to make this baby with" I can feel myself begin to cry listening to the sound of her voice, I can feel all the happiness of finding out the person I love most in this world is having my baby. I can't help myself when I take my hands and wrap them around the nape of her neck and pull her in for a kiss. She kisses me back and it makes this moment even more perfect than I ever imagined.
"Our baby doesn't seem to like pizza" I just blurt out and it makes both of us burst into laughter. This is something I had been thinking in the back of my mind since she told me she was pregnant and her sudden throwing up to the smell of pizza made sense.
"I guess not" She laughs again and I plant small kisses over every inch of her face, I love her more than anything and wish I could tell her, but for now I will just have to show her with these small gestures. Sarah lays down on the bed and I lay next to her and just stare at my beautiful pregnant wife. A month ago I didn't think I would get back the woman I fell in love with, now as I lay here staring at her finally I am able to revel in this joy and I know that I already have so much more than I thought was possible.