Harry Potter, Backwards with a Vengeance

Chapter 3

Hermione started to lead her friends towards the barrier between PLatform 9 ¾ and the rest of King's Cross station when she was stopped by her boyfriend putting his hand on her arm. "Wait a minute, Hermione. I think I probably need to go back to the Dursleys' house this evening. From what I remember of my last go around of June 1994, Vernon will be waiting on the other side of the barrier for me. If I don't go back to the Dursleys' house, one of Dumbledore's spies either here or in their neighborhood will let old Fumbleduck know. As soon as he does, the old bastard will pull some hippogriff shite to force me back," Harry said dejectedly.

"Spies, Harry? I'm sure Professor Dummbledore wouldn't do that. He's a great…" Hermione started to say before she halted in mid sentence, slapping her forehead with her hand. In her best overly dramatic voice Hermione snarled, "Damn you, operant conditioning! Damn you to hell!"

Luna tilted her head and looked at Hermione. "Wow! I've never seen a wrackspurt arrive and then leave so quickly. It's almost like someone lit its little, itty bitty testicles on fire," Luna murmured. Louder she asked, "Feeling better, Hermione?"

"Much, thank you," Hermione replied, giving Luna a smile. She became more serious as she looked back at their boyfriend. "You're probably right, Harry. From what I know (and have seen in your memories), the Headmaster does seem to have a really unhealthy fixation on you," she admitted.

"Don't worry, Hermione. As soon as I get to Durzkaban, I'll make up some excuse about needing to make extra money. Then I'll tell the amazing Walrus-man and his wife, Ostrich-woman, that I'm going to ask the neighbors if they need any work done around their houses. The first place I'll head to will be Mrs. Figg's house. At this point in the timeline, she should be the only spy in the neighborhood. I'll just sneak out of the house the next morning or afternoon," Harry said.

"No, Harry! I'll have my parents bring Luna and I to the Dursley's first thing in the morning to pick you up. You ARE NOT going to spend more than one minute longer there than you have to," Hermione told Harry, leaving no room for discussion. For her part, Luna nodded her head, agreeing with her co-girlfriend.

Harry ran his hands through his messy, black hair nervously. "I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Hermione. I don't want Vernon or Dudley to hurt either of you or your parents," Harry stated. He wasn't expecting Hermione's smug look.

"Don't worry about it, Harry. I'm sure my mum can handle anything the Dursley males can throw at her," Hermione reassured him.

"Just your mum? What about your dad?" Luna asked.

Hermione just shrugged her shoulders, still smirking. "My father is very non-confrontational. Mum, not so much so. She plays right wing for the Streatham Storm Women's Hockey team. She's also their unofficial enforcer," she explained.

Harry's jaw dropped in surprise. "Your mum's a hockey enforcer?! Aren't your parents dentists? Isn't that some sort of conflict of interest?" Harry babbled.

Deciding to take a page out of Harry's playbook, Hermione replied, "Yes, yes, and not really. They look at it as simply a sound business practice."

"Okay then, that totally explains how you put Malfoy on his arse this year. I almost feel bad for the Dursleys now… nah, nevermind. They deserve whatever happens to them if they try to mess with your mum," Harry said. Before he could lose his nerve, Harry gave a quick kiss to first Hermione and then Luna before making his way through the barrier to face his Uncle Vernon.

As Harry passed into the muggle area of the station, he heard Luna asking Hermione, "What's hockey, and why do they need things enforced? Also, what's a dentist?"

*HPBV*

The next morning, the Dursleys sat down to a meager breakfast of grapefruits instead of their typical English breakfast. The school nurse at Smeltings had noticed how morbidly obese Dudley was becoming, and had sent home a letter. It spelled out plainly that either Dudley lost weight, or he wouldn't be allowed back due to health concerns. Not wanting her precious Duddykins to feel like he was missing out on anything, Petunia Dursley had decreed that they would all be going on a diet along with him. She had already berated her nephew for wasting food when he had made their normal breakfast since she hadn't bothered to inform him of the new menu changes. Vernon was about to try and slap Harry for the waste when the doorbell rang, distracting him.

"Who the bloody hell could that be at this time of the morning?!" Vernon Dursley swore. "Don't just stand there, boy, go answer the door!" he ordered his slave… er, nephew. Harry hurried to comply, unable to hide his smile. "Wait! Why are you smiling, boy? It's one of your freak friends, isn't it?!" the walrus like man bellowed.

Dudley snorted at what his father had said. "Friends?! How could the freak have any friends?" he asked before sneaking a bite of the chocolate biscuit he had stashed in the pocket of his trousers.

Petunia pretended that she hadn't seen Dudley break his diet within the first 15 minutes of being on it. Instead, she first scowled at Harry and then gave Vernon a pleading look. "Make them go away, Vernon. That hag, Mrs. May, will be starting her gossip rounds soon, and I don't want her to see any freakishness at our door," she requested.

Vernon pushed himself away from the table with a huge grunt and waddled into the hallway. As he walked by, he grabbed the youth cricket bat that he always kept near the cupboard under the stairs. "Not to worry, pet. I'll just go and see if the Freak-be-good stick is any better at beating the freakyness out of the freak's freaky freak friends," Vernon assured his wife with a sick grin.

[Wow, someone really needs to get their freak on,] Harry chuckled silently to himself. He then nearly gagged when he realized he had just suggested Vernon and Petunia have sex. [On second thought, nevermind.]

Vernon somehow managed to hurry towards the front door without giving himself a heart attack. He raised his miniature cricket bat with one hand and yanked open the door with the other. Vernon quickly hid the bat behind his leg when he registered the presence of a rather nice Jaguar in their driveway. Eventually, he stopped drooling over the luxury car, and looked at the man wearing a very respectable tweed jacket standing in front of him.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Matt Granger. Is this #4 Privet Drive?" Hermione's father asked politely, despite how rudely the obese man had opened the door or the horrible things Matt had heard after ringing the doorbell.

"Um… yes, this is #4 Privet Drive. How can we help you, er… doctor was it?" Vernon replied slowly as his piggy little mind tried to come up with a reason for an obviously well to-do doctor visiting them this early in the morning. Petunia couldn't wait to have something to gossip about, and made her way to stand behind her husband.

"Oh, good. I'm glad to see my map reading skills are still up to snuff," Matt said pleasantly. He leaned slightly to the side to look beyond the walrus like man and ostrich like woman to see a young man he remembered meeting a few years ago. "Hello, Mr. Potter. Ready to leave for the summer?" he inquired.

Vernon's face purpled in jealousy and rage when he realized the wealthy doctor was not only here to see his worthless freak of a nephew, but was also suggesting that he was going to take away the Dursleys' summer time slave. "I knew it! You're another one of those freaks! I'll be damned if I'm going to let that worthless boy go with you anywhere! He's going to be spending every waking moment doing chores around here to make up for us having to take his freaky hide in!" he yelled while raising the small cricket bat up over his head.

Matt sighed loudly, and shook his head. "Just remember, I tried to do things my way to start with. Now we'll just have to do it the way my wife wanted to from the start," he said almost apologetically. Matt stepped to the left of the door and looked back at his beautiful, bushy haired wife, Dr. Alex Granger. "Game on, dear," Matt announced.

"Game on," Alex acknowledged.

Vernon sneered at the woman who was pulling something out of the Jaguar's boot. His brows creased in confusion as he watched her toss a handful of hockey pucks onto their driveway. His sneer turned into a look of worry when the woman pulled out a large hockey stick from the boot before shutting the lid. Vernon glanced at the hockey stick and then up at his tiny cricket bat before looking back to the hockey stick. His self preservation instincts kicked in and he tried to shut the door. He only managed to put his free hand on the door handle before a very solid disk of vulcanized rubber slammed into his groin at around 145 kph.

Matt managed to only wince a little before motion from down the street drew his attention. "Car… game off," he yelled out.

"Game off," Alex acknowledged loudly. Both Matt and Alex waved cheerfully to the adorable little girl sitting in the rear seat of the passing car.

"Mummy, why does that nice lady have a bigger stick than the funny looking man on the ground?" the little girl asked innocently.

Her mother slowed down to look at what her daughter was talking about. She recognized the fat man from when she had gone on one miserable date with him back during school. "That's just Vernon Dursley, dear. I'm fairly certain that just about everyone has a bigger stick than him," she replied with a smirk.

Once the car had driven off, Matt yelled, "Game on!"

"Game on!" Alex replied.

The second puck sailed over Vernon's crumpled body to strike Petunia straight in the bridge of her nose. She dropped like a wet noodle to drape herself over her husband.

Dudley, who was just finishing his third smuggled chocolate biscuit, decided to stand up from the table and avenge his parents. The fact that both of them had been dropped from over 10 meters away showed that Dudley had near Crabbe and Goyle level intelligence. He didn't manage to get more than an inch off the kitchen chair before Dudley found the tip of a wand stuck up his right nostril.

"Dudley, just so you know, this isn't the first time I've had this wand stuck up a troll's nose. With just a mere thought, I can put you out of my (as well as the rest of the neighborhood's) misery. In fact, the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures might even give me a bounty for blasting what little brains you have out through the back of your head," Harry warned.

Harry paused for a moment to let that information sink in. "It would probably be in your best interest to head up to your room and stay there until well after I leave. Tap your hand on the table if you understand," he ordered.

Dudley tapped his hand on the table, and sighed a little in relief when Harry withdrew his wand. Harry stood up and took a few steps back before motioning with his head towards the stairs. Harry went back to the table to wipe the tip of his wand with the tablecloth.

While Harry was terrorizing his cousin, Matt Granger was trying to figure out how to move Vernon and Petunia out of the way so he could come inside. "Let's see… If I put my foot here and my hand there… no, that won't work," he muttered aloud. Once Dudley had thundered up the stairs, Matt called out, "Harry, perhaps you should just grab your things and head out the back. I'll meet you around the side."

Once he heard the backdoor shut, Matt knelt down to get his face close to Vernon's. The fat man's behavior mixed with the dried blood that Matt could see on the tiny bat pushed the usually mild mannered man past his tipping point. "If you breathe a word of any of this to anyone, my wife and I will be back. I'll make sure we have plenty of time to play. You see, both my wife and I have governmental licenses to torture people. Why, on an average day, I might torture up to 20 or more people," the dentist threatened. Vernon's eyes rolled into the back of his head as he fainted.

Matt stood back up when he saw his daughter and her new friend get out of the Jaguar to give Harry a hand placing his trunk in the boot. Alex shifted her hockey bag to make room and then hurried to get into the driver's seat. While there were many, many things she loved about her husband, his driving skills didn't make that list. It always drove her spare how he never remembered to release the parking brake before he drove anywhere.

Once they were safely on the motorway, Matt turned in his seat to look at his daughter and her two friends. "Just to let you lot know, you three will be alone for most of the afternoon. I've got an extraction scheduled at 1 and at 5 I'm meeting up with the blokes for practice. Alex plans on hitting the grocers to stock up. We're certain that with three teenagers in the house, we'll be going through food much faster than we normally would," he said with a kind smile.

"What kind of practice, Dr. Granger?" Harry asked.

"Please, Harry, call me Matt. Calling me Dr. Granger would get rather confusing since Alex is a doctor as well," Matt suggested. "I play lead guitar in a band made up of blokes I met at a dentist convention. We got to talking and found out we all had a love of classic rock and punk. One thing led to another and Chris, David, Peter and I ended up forming a band. Originally we were going to call ourselves 'The Doctors' but that seemed a touch self serving. In the end, we settled on naming the band 'Floss'," he explained.

"Wow, that's brilliant. I'd love to hear you play sometime," Harry stated while Luna nodded her head enthusiastically. Harry turned to look at Hermione.

Hermione sighed wistfully. "Before you ask, I didn't inherit my father's skills. I can hardly play the radio, let alone a musical instrument," she joked.

When they finally reached the Granger home, Matt hopped out and got into an old, boxy, blue Saab 900 with a license plate that read "Sexy". Everyone else grimaced as the Saab made a grinding noise as Matt backed out of the driveway. Eventually the noise stopped when Matt remembered to release the parking brake.

Hermione led Harry to the guest room he would be using while Luna tagged along. Harry grinned when he looked around the room since it was obvious Alex and Hermione had allowed Matt to decorate the room. Instead of paintings of gentle landscapes, the walls were decked out with album covers and movie posters. A mid-seventies stereo system complete with turntable stood atop the dresser. A collection of Matt's favorite albums sat in a rack next to stereo. "It's brilliant!" Harry exclaimed.

After one more look around the room, Harry let his expression grow more somber. "Hermione, I know this is going to suck, but I need you to look at my memories of Dobby, especially the ones when he saved us from Malfoy Manor," Harry requested.

Hermione did as she was asked and then broke into tears. "He… he died saving you," she sobbed.

Harry nodded his head. "He did, and the last thing he said was my name. Looking back, I think the crazy little guy had been wanting to work for me ever since I freed him from the Malfoys. That's why I want to ask him if he would be willing to come work for the three of us. It would also keep the white whiskered wanker from being able to use Dobby against us," he stated.

"You'll still pay him, right?" Hermione asked.

"Of course I will. Even though the other elves thought he was nuttier than squirrel poop, Dobby was very proud of being a free elf. I would never take that away from him," Harry replied.

"Just don't offer to pay him with wizard money," Luna suggested.

Hermione frowned and asked, "Why not? It's not like he'll be able to use muggle money."

"Hermione, you're trying to force your own ideas of what would be an acceptable form of payment onto a non-human," Luna stated. Before Hermione could get truly offended, Luna explained, "If you tried to pay a centaur for something with gold, they would just laugh at you. They have no need for money. House elves are the same way. I'm all for paying Dobby, but we should ask him what he wants."

Hermione sat down heavily on Harry's bed. "I can't believe I didn't think of that," she complained.

Luna sat down next to Hermione and gave her a hug. "It's okay, Hermione. We can't all be Ravenclaws," she teased. Hermione responded by grabbing a pillow and hitting Luna with it.

Even though watching his two girlfriends have a pillow fight definitely checked off a line item on his bucket list, Harry called out, "Dobby!"

With a soft pop, a small person with huge eyes and bat-like ears wearing a Hogwarts dish towel appeared at the foot of the bed. "The great Harry Potter, sir be calling for Dobby?" Dobby asked with obvious happiness.

Harry knelt down next to Dobby and wrapped him in a tight hug. "Hello, old friend," he said to the elf. Dobby was beside himself at being hugged by Harry, and just barely managed to hug the teen back. When the hug ended, Harry stood up and asked, "Dobby, we were wondering if you would like to come work for us instead of the old goat fucker?"

"Dobby be thinking the great Harry Potter being confused. Dobby be working at Hogwarts, not the Hog's Head," Dobby told him.

Harry held up one finger, looked over at his girlfriends, and then pointed at Dobby. "Did… did he just imply that Aberforth… ?" he tried to ask, too shocked to get the whole sentence out.

Luna nodded her head. "Yep, he did. It's pretty much common knowledge in the wizarding world how Aberforth spends a romantic evening," she replied.

"Girls, I need you to promise me you'll never let me eat at the Hog's Head again," Harry implored.

Hermione looked a little ill and responded, "Only if you promise to do the same thing."

"Sorry, Dobby. When I said 'goat fucker' I meant Prof. Dumbledore," Harry explained.

Dobby tilted his head in confusion. "Dobby never be hearing the greasy haired professor called a goat before," he said, and then shrugged his shoulders. The three teens just stood there blinking in shock for a moment at that bit of information.

Ever the inquisitive Ravenclaw, Luna asked, "I wonder which brother would be considered the bigger deviant?"

Hermione frowned as she weighed that question in her mind. "I'm not really sure. There's good arguments on both sides," she replied.

Harry had a definite green cast to his skin and wanted desperately to talk about something else. "Dobby, would you like to work for us?" he asked again.

Dobby looked up at Harry worshipfully. "Do yous really mean it, Harry Potter, sir?" he asked, afraid he might wake up at any moment from this wonderful dream. When Harry just nodded, Dobby launched himself at Harry to wrap his arms around the teen's legs.

"Um… is that a yes?" Harry asked for clarification.

"Yes… yes! Dobby would love to be working for the great Harry Potter! But Dobby not wanting to be paid," Dobby replied.

Hermione shook her head. "Of course we're going to pay you, Dobby! You're a free elf," she insisted.

"We'll just pay you in something other than money if you would like," Harry added quickly. "Is there anything that you need?" he asked his little friend.

"No, Harry Potter, sir, Dobby not being needing anything," Dobby assured him.

Luna sat down on her legs in front of Dobby. "Instead of need, what would you like? What do you do for fun?" she asked.

Dobby tilted his head from side to side as he thought. "Dobby likes to knit, Missy Luna. Dobby could always be using more yarn," he replied.

Hermione laughed out loud at that, causing Dobby to frown. She hurriedly dropped down to kneel next to Luna and put her hand on Dobby's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Dobby. I wasn't laughing at you. I just thought it was funny since my mother knits as well. She says something pretty similar any time we're at a hobby store," she assured him. "In fact, Dobby, let's go down to the basement and we can get you a down payment on working for us," Hermione offered.

Harry offered Luna and Hermione both a hand up. The bushy haired young woman led the others down to the basement. She pointed towards a large, white plastic tub. "Mum put a lot of the extra skeins she ended up not needing down here in the tub. You can have the whole tub, and then we can come up with how many skeins per week you want later," Hermione told the hyper house elf. Dobby was almost a blur as he dashed to the tub. He popped open the lid, looked inside, and then shut it quickly. When he got his breathing under control, Dobby pulled the lid off and looked again. When the sight of all the different, brightly colored skeins of yarn remained the same, he squealed in happiness. Without a second thought, Dobby dove completely into the plastic tub. Different colors of yarn launched out of the tub to fall back in accompanied by high pitched giggles.

Harry smiled at how content Dobby seemed. "Well, I think he likes it," he said needlessly, chuckling slightly. The girls laughed along with him.

"Well, I think it's safe to say that is the weirdest thing we'll see all afternoon," Hermione joked.

Luna shook her head sadly. "Hermione, you should know better than to tempt my boss like that," she chided.

"Yes, she should have. My wife never could resist temptation," the deep voice of Death said from behind them.