III
You think the world should see things your way But on those days when nobody wants to know you You never chase your dreams, they find you But on those days when nobody wants to know you
Love, I know you, you think good fortune's here to stay
Love, I know you shined in everything you tried before
Your smile can open any door
And all your smiles keep falling on stony ground
Don't stop believin', don't stop believin'
Don't stop believin', you'll get by
Bad days, bad days will hurry by
Love, I know you, if you need love, it finds you too
Love, although you sail alone and free
I'll follow in your wake
And pray one day my heart you'll take
And all your smiles keep falling on stony ground
Don't stop believin', don't stop believin'
Don't stop believin', you'll get by
Bad days, bad days will hurry by
Don't Stop Believin', Olivia Newton-John
Four Months Later
"C'mon, Blair", Jo Polniaczek said, as Blair went through another grueling day of rehab on her left leg, "tough it out, three more reps and you're good."
Blair was still only using light weights to exercise her leg, the pain still almost beyond endurance sometime, but her normally cream colored face was beet red as she bore down to get three more reps in.
"That's it, girl, two more...good. Now that last one, Princess."
Looking at Blair, Jo felt so much pride in her lover. Not that they had been "lovers" in the true sense since the accident, Blair's amnesia about most her life still holding her back. But she looked more and more like the Blair she loved every day. Her hair was now almost shoulder length, the golden shine having returned. Blair had more than few scars on her body, but fortunately, most the scars on her head were now covered by hair, one nasty dent over her left eye was visible, and probably would be for the rest of her life.
Her left arm and leg were another story, as was a portion of her back, where her kidney had been removed. Those scars would probably always be there. But to Jo, Blair Warner never looked more beautiful. Yet that wall between them still was in place.
"Good work, Blair", Jo said with a smile, the blond looking at her with daggers in her eyes, which only made Jo laugh. "You're one tough biker chick, ya know?"
"Oh, tweet tweet, Polniaczek", Blair said as Jo tossed her a water bottle. Blair's physical therapists considered Jo almost another one of them, as she pushed their patient harder than anyone on the staff. They had commented between them about the devotion the brunette had toward the blonde woman. "I hope I get to ride a bike again. I wish I..."
"Don't say it, Princess", Jo warned. "No feeling sorry for yourself. One day, one step at a time. That's our motto, right?"
"Right as usual", Blair said with a smile. "You'd make a great Drill Sargent, you know that?"
The therapists burst out in raucous laughter, Jo turning red herself.
"You're such a comedian, Warner, a veritable Sarah Silverman." But Jo was laughing as loud as the others. "That certainly didn't leave you all this time."
Blair stuck out her tongue. She still wasn't cleared to walk without assistance, so Jo brought over another of her devices to help her get around-a walker, replete with tennis balls on each back leg to keep it from catching on carpets or making an unholy racket. Jo brought it to her. "Ready to go see David and your parents, Jo?"
"Yeah, I'm sure they're ready to surrender by now", Jo said with an easy laugh. Yes, Jo missed the intimacy with Blair, and would continue to miss it, but there was now an easiness between them that hadn't existed right after the accident. Both the women took that as a good sign that they were simply good for each other, no matter what. Blair was in no physical shape yet for sex anyway, so at the moment, neither worried too much about it.
As they walked to the SUV, their conversation was light.
"Are you saying DC is a holy terror?"
Jo snorted. "Except on days that don't end in a Y, Blair." That tickled Blair's funny bone.
"And that makes it seven days a week, by my count?"
"Don't get blonde on me, blondie."
"Oh, turn blue, Jo."
Jo stopped dead in her tracks. "What did you just say?"
"What?" Blair obviously hadn't realized what she had said.
Jo shook her head. "You just said 'oh, turn blue, Jo'."
"Why would I say turn bl..."
Blair's eyes went wide.
"Turn blue..." She looked over at Jo. "Turn blue...that's something I used to say a lot, isn't it?"
Jo smiled excitedly. "It sure is, Princess! It's your signature saying."
"But I don't remember anything beyond that. Why would I suddenly remember that phrase?"
"Because your brain is still healin'?"
Blair's own smile was luminescent now. "Oh, my God, Jo, I remembered something!" Gingerly, she moved her walker to hug Jo.
"One day at a time, Princess", Jo began, Blair answering her.
"One step at a time, Jo."
They went home as happy as they had been in a long time, anxious to tell Rose and Charlie about this minor but significant breakthrough.
For months afterward, Blair went through rehab on her leg, making sure it was strong enough to eventually walk on. She had come to terms with the fact that there would probably always been pain in the leg-it had suffered far too much damage, as had her hip and pelvis, and she would probably walk with a limp, but as she always reminded herself, it beat the alternative.
Her sessions with the Dr. Matthews, the psychologist were frustrating, but not because of the doctor, whom she held in high regard. She had gone through man session of simply feeling that she'd never remember her life. More than once she had broken down and simply sobbed at feeling the loss of an entire lifetime.
Blair had made some small progress, remembering small bits and pieces of her past, mostly when she was a child, but after she had said "turn blue" to Jo, nothing more had been shaken loose from her still-damaged and still-recovering brain. The "one day, one step", approach that had become the motto for she and Jo simply was making her more angry at her lack of progress.
One day, it boiled over.
It had been a exasperating week for Blair Warner. She wasn't making much progress with her amnesia, although her psychologist, Dr. Matthews had helped her immensely in dealing with the emotional trauma of the car accident that had nearly killed her, taken her memory from her, and caused so much physical pain in her body.
On top of that, she had gone to physical therapy today, and the pain had been so severe that the therapists had to stop the session, fearing that she had re-injured her leg or pelvis. Jo took her to the hospital where X-Rays and CT scans were taken. Dr. Washington called her the next day to inform her that no new damage had been detected, and that she would have-and had before-bad days like this.
After ending the call with the doctor, she slammed her cell phone down on the table in the kitchen, simply boiling over with frustration. Jo was changing David, and could hear the smack of the phone all the way in the little boy's bedroom. Jo reappeared with David, who was getting closer to being able to walk, as he pushed along in one of his toddler walkers.
"Something wrong, Blair? I heard that in his bedroom."
"What could possibly be wrong", Blair said with a rare, sharp sarcasm. "My mind is still broken; my leg is still held together only by titanium and metal; I still can't remember who the hell I am. I'm having trouble getting through my physical therapy. Everything's just peachy, Jo."
Jo hadn't heard Blair talk in such a manner since the night Jo had ended up being assaulted and drugged by Jesse. It brought her up short.
"I know it's frustratin' Blair", Jo said, warily sitting across the table from the woman. "I had so many days when I felt like just heading back out west after I came back, when I didn't feel I'd ever be right again. I've kinda been there."
"Even when you were gone, did you forget me? Or your parents? Or Dorothy and Natalie?" Her voice was challenging and unyielding.
"No, but that was different than what you're dealing with."
"Then don't tell me that you know how I'm feeling, goddammit, because you don't!" She slapped her palm hard on the table, making Jo jump, and causing David to cry as it had startled him. Jo went to pick up there son and comfort him.
"Blair, maybe it's different in some ways, but the pain and the frustration are the same. And you can't scare DC like that. It ain't good for him."
"In case you forgot", Blair said, feeling the loss of all control, "I'm his mother! I gave birth to him, and as his mother, I can do what I want."
That alarmed Jo. "Princess, no you can't. He's our son, not an experiment. He gets affected by things like this."
"Our son?" Her voice was like ice. "He came from my uterus, and his father was a fucking sperm donor! I don't recall you having anything to do with his conception? Then again, I don't recall much of anything for the past almost thirty years of my life."
Jo blanched at the attack on Blair's claim that David was not Jo's son. "Princess..."
Blair exploded. "Don't Princess me, goddammit! I'm not a Princess, for Christ's sake! I'm a fucked-up, broken person who is tired over everyone feeling sorry for her! And who asked for you to be my chaperon everywhere, huh? Who made you my constant shadow? I didn't request your presence going through this, Jo Polniaczek! Why are you still here!"
When Blair finished, she looked at Jo, who was shaking and in tears, as it seemed that finally Blair had made her choice, outright rejecting Jo's companionship, and any chance that they could ever be lovers again. Jo couldn't move, stuck there with David in her arms, seeing her whole life shatter. Blair had said to be patient with her, and that she would never keep David from her. Yet her was the very threat that Blair had lost patience with Jo, and that she would keep David out of her life.
"Blair..." Jo's voice was a rasp, barely a whisper. "Blair, do...do you want me...are you throwing me out?"
The impact of her words suddenly hit Blair Warner, her own demeanor turning instantly from blinding anger to horror at what she had just said. She was afraid at that moment of the same thing Jo was-that she had damaged their relationship beyond repair. Grabbing her walker, she stood up and moved toward Jo.
"Jo", she said, her own voice shaky, "sit down before you pass out, please." Blair couldn't help her, but Jo didn't resist. She sat, still clutching David to her chest, afraid that if she let go she would never hold him again. The terror in her eyes broke Blair into pieces.
When Jo was on the couch, Blair sat next to her, a long silence between them. Blair kept glancing at Jo, who dare not look at the blonde, afraid if she did that she would break apart.
After what seemed an eternity, Blair sighed, then spoke. "We are quite a pair, aren't we Jo Polniaczek", she lamented, not looking at the other woman. "We've both been through our own hell, yet we're here, together. Jo? Please look at me?"
Jo hesitated, still in shock over the verbal assault that had been unleashed on her by the person whom she loved more than her very life.
"Please, Jo?"
Jo put David back in his walker, then haltingly looked over at Blair, her face swollen and red with tears, still shaking from what had transpired.
Blair turned a little toward Jo. "I had no right to do that to you, Jo", Blair said, her voice breaking. "No right at all. You've been nothing but kind, patient and...loving through this whole ordeal. No", she added, "I'm not throwing you out. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I did that, even knowing that I'm still not sure of our future together."
That hurt Jo, but at least it was honest, and she could respect that.
"That's good", Jo said, still trying to regain her composure, "because you'd have to get Richie and Dwight to physically throw me out on the street if you want to get rid of me. I will never give up on you, Blair, even if you throw me out and give up on me. Never."
Blair grabbed Jo's left hand with her right hand. "I know that. I have no doubt of that, Jo", she said softly, pain on her own face. "I've been feeling sorry for myself, and I took it out on you, the one person who has been a rock for me since I came out of the coma. I don't deserve your forgiveness", she admitted, looking away from Jo for a moment, "but I'm asking for it anyway."
"I forgive you, Blair", Jo said almost before Blair had finished. "I gave you hell more than once after I came back. Yeah, hearing what you said hurts like hell, and will for quite a while, but I ain't giving up. Please, don't ask me to give up."
Blair touched Jo's cheek. "I won't, Joanna Marie Polniaczek." Blair then surprised Jo by leaning into, resting her head on Jo's shoulder. "Just put your arm around me for a bit? I think I need it."
Without another word, Jo complied, still troubled by Blair's outburst, but closing her eyes in having her arm around her Princess.