Author's Note: I'm finally back! So sorry for the long delay, this last month has been chaotic and I haven't had as much time to write as I would like to. Nonetheless, I'm definetely not giving up on this story, and I promise to stick with it until the end.
Hope you enjoy this chapter and always read and review!
Chapter III
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Everything's alright.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
You're not allowed to break down.
Donna nervously fidgets her fingers as she stares at the multiple boxes that surround her office, her gaze distant yet pensive; the effects of the panic attack still lingering on her body and mind. It had taken her some good amount of time before she had been able to gather up the strength to make it out of the ladies' restroom, and when she had finally made it to her office, she found that Faye had left her about twelve or thirteen boxes full of case files, with a note on top of her desk asking her to report her a brief on every single paper and, naturally, have them filed by the end of the day.
Of course! She should have seen this one coming: this was Faye trying to mess up with her position again by assigning her a task that should instead be done by any first-year associate or even a paralegal.
Her first instinct is to go remind the woman – once more – that it has been some solid two years since she stopped being a legal secretary, and that she's way more valuable to the firm as a COO. But the background check Faye has hanging like a knife over her neck reminds her she shouldn't – not unless she wants more trouble than she already is in – and figures out that it's probably wiser to let this one slide; at least until she's done being under investigation.
So, she surrenders and begins the tedious task with a heavy sigh, and a defeated and burned-out mindset. The panic attack had left her worn-out and even though she's not feeling like she's drowning anymore, her arms and legs are slightly shaking as if shivering from the cold, somehow unable to get her own body to warm up. Her head feels heavy, the pounding headache that has been bothering since the early morning still present; but she forces the pain and discomfort away with some Ibuprofen and dives into work with whatever little energy she has left.
She tries really hard to keep up the optimistic, confident façade she's always been known for at the office. And when Katrina shows up in the middle of the morning to ask for advice regarding the management of an associate, followed by an unexpected visit from Louis to talk about his decoration plans for his future baby's nursery; they don't seem to notice the slight trembling of the hands she keeps well tucked under her desk, her nails digging deep on her skin in a hopeless attempt to stop the quiver, or the way she starts chewing on the inside of her cheeks to control her racing thoughts, or the clear vacant gaze she keeps while they talk.
Instead, she doesn't let them see how she's falling apart on the inside, maintaining a fake smile on the outside for the sake of everyone else. No one can know about her disastrous meeting with Faye, and if they see her cracking, it's only a matter of time before that goddamned woman dismantles the firm just as she promised to. Luckily, her acting skills help her conceal the turmoil she's living inside and so far, no one has noticed there's something wrong, or if they have, it has gone uncommented.
The morning melts away faster than expected, and between the briefs Faye has asked her to do, Katrina and Louis's visits and a thousand emails that all read to be of utter importance; Donna finds herself so caught up with everything, that she barely notices her phone buzzing next to her laptop, Harvey's name popping on the screen.
It's not until the third time that he calls, that Donna does notice the device, and she pauses for a moment before deciding whether to take his call or not, a new wave of panic taking a hold of her. She had managed to keep her cool earlier with Louis and Katrina; neither of them being able to detect any sign of her crumbling underneath the cheerful exterior she puts up with. But with Harvey it's a completely different story and she hates the idea of lying to him, especially now that she had promised she would come to him if there was something wrong in her life, and there is something wrong this time!
But she reminds herself once more the fact that she can't; he and the firm are at risk if she does; and the last thing she wants after all these years is to see him pay yet again for another one of her mistakes.
She feels the phone buzzing on the palm of her hand once more and reasons he might find it strange if she keeps missing his calls, so she decides to answer.
"Harvey," she spits in a rush, and she can't help but flinch at the small waver she can hear on her own voice. Get your act together Paulsen!
"Donna," he greets, and she can hear the slightest flicker of concern that colors his tone, "Is everything alright? You weren't picking up my calls-"
"Yeah, everything's fine," she cuts him abruptly, "I was just caught up with some things at the office and didn't notice my phone…" it's a lame excuse she knows, particularly because she rarely misses his calls and when he doesn't reply back – somehow conveying to elaborate further – she decides to ask instead, "where you calling for a reason?"
"No, not really," he admits, "I just came out of a deposition and wanted to know how your meeting with Faye went?"
It's sweet on his behalf remembering to ask about it, but she really doesn't feel like commenting on the fiasco that encounter had been, or the fact that Faye's going to conduct a background check on her, or about the consequent panic attack she suffered and much less about the unfair workload she has just been assigned. However, as much as she wishes to keep him in the dark about any of this, for some reason she finds it hard to spill the lie as simply as she should.
"Donna?" she hears him ask again, the persistence on his voice making the weight of the lie heavier on her lips.
"It was fine," she blurts out. It doesn't sound like it and despite the fact that she had tried to sound as calm and collected and as Donna as possible; she can tell her performance it's not being really convincing. She's not sure if he bought it entirely and feels the burning question forming on his lips at the other side of the line, "She seemed satisfied with the report, didn't comment much about it," she adds in an absentminded tone.
"Okay," she finally hears him settle after a short pause, and she's glad he seems to have bought on it as he suddenly changes topics. "Look, I have a meeting scheduled for the afternoon, so I guess I won't be at the firm until the evening, and I was wondering if you'd like to go out tonight, maybe check out that new Italian restaurant we passed by the other night", he offers.
Her chest burns at the tenderness of the proposition, but instead of the usual excitement that comes whenever he proposes a night out, she finds a new wave of panic taking hold of her. One look at the number of files that surround her desk is enough to send her in a spiral once again. There's no actual way she'll have everything Faye has asked her to do finished by tonight. Besides, But then, the thought of disappointing Harvey, fills her with guilt and remorse. She knows how hard he has been trying recently to make their relationship work, and it's not at all his fault the fact that she isn't in the mood for a date.
Nonetheless, she lets a "Yeah sure," slip out of her mouth, even though she knows very well she'll have to work a miracle to get rid off Faye's work by the evening. "But I'd rather do something at home instead, if you don't mind," she clarifies, figuring out that maybe she can sneak some files home if she really doesn't find the time to finish them all before tonight.
"Sure! We can order from that shitty Thai place you like if you want."
"Sounds good Harvey, I'll see you tonight," she replies, but there's a definitive monotonous quality on her voice, and she pauses for a second, clearing her throat, before she adds a "Love you," in a softer and warmer tone.
"See you tonight. Love you too." He answers back, a small smile crossing his face, and with that he hangs up the call.
Once she hangs up the phone, she looks back at the hour her iPhone displays and realizes the fact that despite it's almost two p.m., she hasn't had a single meal throughout the day. However, the mere thought of food makes her stomach churn, and her mind can't help but go back to the two times she's thrown up today. Still, she reasons that she really should eat something – especially, given the fact that she hasn't been able to keep anything down – and so she forces herself to take a little break and remembers she told Harvey she would grab a bagel once at the office.
Her stomach is not in the mood for a heavy meal though, the amount of stress she had found herself in during the last few days, somehow silencing her appetite. Nevertheless, she makes the effort to buy a simple salad and a bottle of water, guessing that it should be enough food to sustain her throughout the rest of the day.
The moment she comes back from her little trip though, the last thing she expects is to see Faye at her office again.
"F-Faye," she exclaims, the nervousness evident on her voice, her body instinctively tensing up at the sight of the woman, "what brings you here?"
"Donna, I see that you've already begun with the files I dropped by earlier," Faye states, and Donna feels her stomach recoil in anger just by hearing her voice. She has brought with herself about five other boxes of files and she lays them on her desk as she rests her hand on top of them, "I was just leaving these others that I forgot; they should also be ready for tomorrow. But I'm sure you won't mind working extra hours to finish these too, am I right?"
The passive-aggressiveness of the comment makes her furious and she decides she can't take her anymore, that woman doesn't have any right to make her work extra-hours in a task that it's completely unrelated to her position, and it's time she defends herself.
"Yes, Faye about that," she begins, and manages a certain air of assertiveness on her tone, "I don't think I'll be able to have this ready for tomorrow. It's just too much work, and I have a lot of things pending that just happen to be more important than these briefs. Besides, I was planning on leaving around 7:30 p.m. so-"
"Excuse me, but I thought you took your work very seriously," Faye interrupts her as usual, "I can't conceive how you can waltz around the city giving yourself the title of COO if you're not willing to put in the extra hours that are required for the job."
"I am an excellent COO," Donna bites back, "but the work you're giving me is just excessive and it's not even related to my position here. Honestly it should be done by an associate or even a paralegal who has an actual understanding of the legal basis of the cases-"
"Well, it is certainly not my problem that you don't have the formation required to be the COO of a law firm. I didn't put you in the position that you are, you did, so now you will do the work I'm demanding you to, whether you like it or not." Faye states, and she sees the redhead take a resigned breath, as she makes her way back to the desk.
Faye observes the way she's obviously distressed and irritated by the task she assigned her and so she adds, "You know, for someone who has an opened investigation whose job depends on, you can be quite insubordinate…it's almost like you're begging me to send to the Bar that little report we talked about, remember?"
Donna pales at the mention of her investigation and the report Faye had threaten her with earlier, and she purses her lips, as she slowly nods, somehow keeping her indignation and wrath at bay. "You're going to threaten me with that damned document every chance you have, aren't you?" she defies in an almost whisper, a helpless undertone palpable in her voice.
"It's not a threat at all, Donna," Faye states in a thin voice that almost wants to be reassuring but isn't, "just a small reminder you of your position at this firm," she clarifies as she gives her a knowing look; and with that she turns around and leaves her office.
Donna flops back to her seat as she contemplates the files. If she didn't feel exhausted before, now she surely does, and the feeling of helplessness she's been carrying around all day long just increases on her chest. That woman has her against the wall, and it's not a position she enjoys being put on.
She has always felt confident in her own work, and although she always made it look like it was a walk in the park – graciously achieving anything she put her mind onto – what most people failed to see was the fact that she actually put on a lot of effort on everything she did. However, the way Faye manages to devalue her position with those belittling comments and nonsensical tasks makes her anxious and doubtful in her own abilities, and it's a feeling she's never battled against before. The fact that she seems to hold so much power over her position as a COO and the standing of the firm before the Bar, doesn't help to calm her nerves at all.
She obliges herself to take a few bites of the salad and finishes the bottle of water in one large gulp, before continuing with the files again. She tries to focus on the documents she's reading, but she's struggling with the briefings as there are a lot of technical terms and issues she doesn't fully grasp despite her ten plus years of experience on the law field. Faye's comment about not having the formation required for a COO pops up on her head and she's feels the pressure increase on her shoulders. She must get this right if she wants to prove the woman wrong.
She can't let herself fail. Because if she does, God only knows how much damage is that woman capable of causing, not only to her but to the firm.
It has always been ingrained behavior for her to put others needs above hers, and this is no different. She's trying her best to keep the everything from falling apart, as she always does, no matter what it takes this time.
And so, the rest of the afternoon goes on like this, and Donna puts on a marathon to try to have it all finished on time. She scans over the documents and types with the speed of a racing horse the important details she notices, but the amount of work is overbearing and except a miracle is happening there's not an actual chance she will be able to wrap this up by tomorrow morning, even if she stays working the extra hours.
It's already dark when Harvey walks back into the firm. He had been stuck all afternoon with a client Faye had specifically assigned him, some sort of old acquaintance of hers that needed help with an upcoming trial against his company. The meeting had taken longer than expected and frankly it had been exhausting; so when the meeting ultimately comes to an end; he's glad he's finally able to go home and spend some time with Donna.
As he approaches her office though, he can't help but notice how consumed she seems on the task she's doing, her brow furrowed in a focused expression, her teeth nervously biting on her lower lip. She hasn't noticed him, and he takes the opportunity to contemplate her from afar. Donna focusing on a task had always been a favorite of his, and he remembers how even when she was just his secretary, he would occasionally find himself stealing looks at her direction.
"Ready to go home?"
Donna hears Harvey's voice interrupt the deep focus she had managed to keep all afternoon, and she's forced to look back at him. He's leaning against the door frame with an ear-to-ear smile and a smug look on his eyes.
"H-Harvey!" she exclaims almost as if caught, and it's only then that she realizes it's already dark outside. She takes a quick glance at the hour that her laptop displays. It's exactly 7:48 p.m. and damn it, did the afternoon really go away just like that? She looks back to the documents that surround her desk, and even though she's already starting on the twelfth box of files she still has about five left to go through.
She's about to ask what brings him here so early – momentarily forgetting the fact that they had agreed to leave early to have some time for their date at his place – but she doesn't have the time for it as she feels him approach and press his lips against her in a sudden, passionate kiss. She welcomes the gesture kissing him back, but almost immediately pulls away, still not feeling completely comfortable with such public displays of affection at the office.
"Hey," she murmurs back cautiously, "I thought we agreed on no romantic gestures at work," she reminds him.
"I know," he replies, as he places himself on top of her desk and takes her hand on his, "but I haven't seen you since this morning," he continues, a boyish and mischievous attitude laced to his tone, "and I've missed you."
She can see the smirk growing on his lips and the smug look on his eyes as he perches forward to kiss her again. Her heart melts to see how smitten he's with her, and for the split of a second, she manages to forget all about Faye and the constant anxiety she's been battling throughout the day. Nonetheless, when he relents back, her eyes fall again on the stacks of files resting on her desk, and as the reality of things sink in once again, she involuntarily stiffens under his touch.
"Hey," she hears Harvey mumble, a worried tone laced to his voice at the sudden tension of her posture, "if what you were worried about is Faye, I made sure she had already left," he comments.
Even though the fact calms her nerves a little bit –relieving the pressure of being caught by her – her mind starts dwelling over the fact that she's still not finished with the workload Faye has assigned her, and even though she had promised Harvey they wouldn't let work get in the way of their relationship; the truth is that tonight she needs to get this done takes what it takes.
He notices her distraction, as her eyes keep fixated on the multiple folders that lay on her desk, and it's until then that he repairs on the enormous number of documents that seem to be all over her office, "Donna, what's all of this?" he asks, curious eyes scanning all over the room.
"It's not a big deal," she dismisses immediately, "Faye just wanted me to go over these documents and give her a report on every casefile by tomorrow." She can see he's about to ask further about it, but before he can formulate any question she blurts out, "I'm sorry Harvey, but I don't think I'll be able to go home early with you tonight."
His eyes widen back at her with a confused and pained expression. "What!? Donna, come on! We agreed we'd spend the night together," he whines.
"Harvey, it's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't." she emphasizes signaling to the enormous stacks of folders that remain on her desk, as she takes her hand away from his, "Look at the amount of work I have!"
"And?" he asks in a reckless mood.
"And? What do you mean by and?" she retorts exasperatedly, "Faye wants this done by tomorrow's morning!"
"So? Just tell the woman to go fuck herself! It's no big deal if those briefings aren't ready for tomorrow."
"Well, some of us don't have that option anymore!" She snaps back at him, standing up defensively from her seated position.
The comment catches him off guard, and he gets the sudden feeling that there's something else going on. "What do you mean by that?" he asks in a stern tone, but she remains silent as she casts her gaze away from him, "Donna? Is there something you're not telling me?"
"No, it's not that, it's just-" she begins pacing around her office, combing her hair with her hands in an anxious manner, as she struggles to find the right words to explain everything she's gone through the day.
"Just what?" he urges.
She winces at the inquisitive tone of his voice. She is well aware of the fact that she's hiding things to him – and she hates herself for it – but she can't afford to tell him the truth.
"It's just been a long day, okay?" she hisses, "and I really need to get this done tonight, alright? So, I'm sorry if we can't spend the night together as we said we would, but tonight it's just not the time for it."
Donna reasons that she's not completely lying to him. It has, indeed, been a really long day for her. But she knows she's not exactly telling him the full story; and is instead lashing out at him for something she's well aware he has nothing to do with.
Harvey recoils back at the tone she uses, frowning at her sudden outburst. He can tell she's upset, a distressed expression adorning her pale face, her usual neatly combed hair looks disheveled, and he catches the slight tremble of her limbs. He winces at the sight; he's rarely seen her lose her cool like this and he has no idea of why this is happening. It is not like Donna to get this frustrated with work – and even though he guesses this might have to do with the pressure Faye has been exerting over her – he really can't conceive why is it that Donna can't let this seemingly meaningless task go for tonight.
Unless there's something elseshe's hiding from him.
"Donna… is everything alright?" he dares to ask in a cautious voice as worried eyes study her stance.
"Can't you just understand that I can't go home early because I have work to do?"
He flinches at her choosing of words. It's not that. It's definitely not that he can't understand or respect the fact that she has to work the extra hours tonight. It's just that he can sense that there's something else going on, and the way she's been acting today tells him that there must be something wrong.
However, knowing her, and how hard she sometimes finds it to open up about her own issues and struggles – ironic, coming from the one person who's always pushing others, mostly him, to do so – he soon realizes that pressing her further on the topic won't bring them anywhere. It's a stupid fight, and he convinces himself that it's probably better to back down than start pushing and end up saying things he knows they'll both regret, so instead, he goes for another approach.
"Okay, I get it. You're busy tonight," he finally concedes and he's glad when he notices her relax at his words on the instant. He dares to take a careful step towards her and intertwines his hands with hers.
"I just don't want something that happens here get in the way of what we have," he admits in a lower voice, and there's an honest vulnerability to his confession that makes Donna's expression automatically soften.
"I know," she says back, a certain air of guilt marking her words as she softly squeezes his hands on hers. "I know, and I'm sorry if I lead you to believe that was the case. It's just that I have a lot on my plate right now, and…it's just for today, alright?" she pleads with him.
"It's alright. I understand," he reassures her back, flashing her a caring smile. "Do what you have to do, and I'll wait for you at home, alright?" and when she nods back, he kisses her goodbye.
As Donna watches him leave though her heart aches at the sight of him walking towards the elevator alone. For so long all she has wanted is to be the person he walks home with at night; and now that they're finally together, she can't and the god-damned folders that surround her remind her of the reasons why.
It's not until 1:13 a.m. that she manages to finish the last file and finally allows herself to head home. Exhausted falls short to describe how tired and drained she feels. As she drags her feet inside the elevator she thinks she has never felt this burned out by work. Sure, she had pulled her fair amount of long hours with Harvey while being his secretary, but never like this. Never under this amount of anxiety and stress. That combined with the fact that she had suffered from a panic attack, and had barely eaten anything throughout the day, only makes matters worse.
Thankfully, when she exists the firm, she can spot Ray's car and her chest burns knowing that Harvey probably asked him to wait for her and get her home.
When she finally steps into his condo, she's surprised to find the lights of the living room area on, a faint burnt smell lingering on the air, and a couple of half-melted candles decorating the table. It's obvious that he wanted to make a gesture and wait for her to have dinner together; but it's so late that he must have probably gotten tired of waiting, and instead, she finds him deep asleep on the couch.
"Hey," she murmurs to his sleeping form.
"Hey," he whispers on a groggy voice, his vision focusing on her weary demeanor. "For the record, I did try to wait for you," he comments as he raises from his laying position.
"I know you did," she smiles back as she bents down to kiss him. "I'm sorry for not spending the night with you, and for snapping at you earlier…it was just a really long day."
"I get it," he remarks as he takes her hand in his, "do you want to talk about it?" he asks genuinely.
"Not really," she confesses, "right now, all I want to do is get some sleep."
"There's some lasagna in the oven, if you want some before going to bed."
"You cooked?" she asks as her eyebrows raise in a bemused expression.
"Well, if by cooked you mean more like ordering from Del Posto, then definitely."
She scoffs softly at his sarcasm, but despite the little food she has swallowed throughout the day, the truth is that right now food is the last thing on her mind, the exhaustion outweighing her need for it. "Thanks Harvey, but it's really late to eat anything. We can heat it up for tomorrow," she proposes.
"Then let's get you to bed, you look like you need it." He comments as he stirs from the couch and joins her side, leading them both to their bedroom.
Donna feels a new wave of anxiety as they enter the room and she begins changing on her pajamas. Today has been a long day as it is, and having Harvey constantly questioning her is definitely the last thing she needs.
As they lay down on the mattress, Harvey quickly finds his way back to sleep. However, it doesn't matter how much Donna tries to get some herself, every time she closes her eyes, her mind is plagued with images of Faye accusing her.
Of her losing her job.
Of the firm being dissolved.
Of her colleagues' disapproving looks, muttering how this is all her fault.
Of Harvey telling her she has failed him.
And so the insomnia comes back, and just like last night, she finds it impossible to rock herself back to sleep.