You Came, You Really Came for Me

by RIgg632

Re-uploading this to hopefully fix the insane issues that I hadn't realized existed. **PLEASE BE AWARE THIS STORY WILL TRIGGER/DEAL WITH DIFFICULT ISSUES!** Rape, phys.&sex. child abuse Post-15x01 I've been reading a lot of E/O fanfic and I just wanted a story like this, Elliot comes for Olivia after Lewis and he doesn't leave her side again. Bensidy fans should avoid this one.

3. Chapter 3

Ch. 11:

Pictures with Olivia's cast turns into coloring together and when Eli begins talking about his drawing of a "super-sized building with a flying elevator," that quickly turns into building a supersized Lego city. Elliot grins as she gets pulled to his room again for some Lego building, while Eli informs her of everything he wants to build.

Elliot's in the kitchen washing the dishes in the sink when his phone rings and it's an area code from Queens but he doesn't recognize the number, "Stabler."

"You still answer the phone like you're a cop," A voice laughs and it sounds familiar but not enough to place it, "It's Nick I forgot I never gave you my number yesterday."

"You need something or you just calling to make fun, Amaro?" His voice is amused while he throws most of Olivia's breakfast into the trashcan.

"Wanted to ask how you and Liv were doin'?"

Elliot wipes the bacon grease off the microwave turntable, holding the phone against his shoulder, "Good Kathy brought Eli today so he basically has her wrapped up in whatever activity seems to catch his attention at the moment," Nick laughs says something about that being good for her. "Yeah, it's been nice seeing her laugh more, you wanna talk to her?"

"Only if her and Eli don't mind."

Elliot knocks on his door and then opens it a couple seconds later, the two are sitting cross-legged on the floor playing with his Lego, "Nick is on the phone, you wanna talk?"

Olivia nods and tells Eli she'll be back and then takes the phone from him, walking out of the room while he takes Olivia's spot on the floor, "What are you two building in here?"

"Buildings we're gonna make a gigantic city!" Eli talks about his plans for their city while Elliot finishes Olivia's multi-colored building.

Olivia's voice is a whisper and her knuckles are white as she grips the door frame, "El?"

Elliot stands placing his hand on her cast as directs her away from the room so he can close the door and then down the hallway a bit, he rubs the back of his neck nervously leaning against the wall as she stands in front of him less than a foot away, "What's up?"

"Nick…they want me go down to the station house tomorrow they have questions with…with my statement," Olivia's eyes stare at the floor.

"What's wrong with your statement? If they think you lied, I'll-"

"No!" Her voice is louder than he's heard since this happened and he realizes this is the loudest he's heard her voice since before he left, "No…they don't think I lied they think…they think…"

Elliot sighs and stares at the floor too rubbing his neck again as her soft voice trails off again, "They think you left out information." Olivia nods slowly not meeting his eyes and she hears the question surround them before he asks it, "Did you?"

She sucks in a breath and her eyes nervous flit up to his before she walks back to his son's room and Elliot leans his head back against the wall thinking of the information that she could've possibly left out, no doubt to protect herself. He didn't stop her just let her go, as always.

When Elliot reappears in his son's room he's brought an elephant with him and Olivia can't help but glance at him as he sits across from her on the rug. Eli is busy searching his Lego box for a specific block and Elliot locks eyes with her for just long enough to whisper, "You thought you were protecting yourself and that isn't something I can ever judge you for, whatever it is I won't leave you," shock and then relief color her face.

Eli stands over their creation and he deems that his father's creation is the post office and Olivia is currently building the police station, and he wants to help. She taps the small space left open between her legs and he leans against her as he helps build the police station, and Olivia spends more time watching him than she does building.

There's a loud pounding on the front door and then, "OLIVIAAAAA!"

The noise makes her jump and Eli looks up confused by the strange disturbance and he stands, she right behind him, "Close and lock the door."

"OLIVIAAAAA! OPEN UP I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!"

Olivia shakes her head, "He wants me I'll just go with him and you and Eli can—"

"Olivia," His voice is stern like when a case used to get to him and he couldn't help but push until he closed it. She straightens a little she knows this voice, knows it's her job as his partner to have his back and he watches as Olivia Benson transforms into Detective Benson before his eyes. "You're my partner and you swore to me you would protect my son, your God Son, and now I'm asking you to do just that, will you?"

Elliot hears the door lock behind him as he makes his way to the front door where the man is still pounding. The door flies open and the other man stumbles inside and Elliot realizes that he hadn't expected the door to open, "Where's she? 'LIVIA! O-LIVIAAAAA!"

Elliot pushes the man against the closed door, "What the hell is wrong with you? She's been through hell and back and you come in here screaming and—" they're standing less than a foot away from each other and Elliot slams him into the door again, "Fuck! You're fucking drunk aren't you?"

"What the hells 'atter to you? I had a 'uge drug bust so I celebrated with my friendsss," Cassidy pushes the other man back a lazy grin on his lips.

"Meanwhile your girlfriend is living in hell but good to know that you can go out and drink like normal, celebrate your big wi—"

"—Not like you let me see her you control how long I stay bringing that kid of yours in and cutting my time fucking short!"

"It doesn't fucking give you the right to go out drinking and then come here wasted screaming for her, how do you fucking think that's gonna make her feel?!" Elliot grabs him by the shirt and pulls him away from the door opens it and then shoves him out, "Fucking sober up before you come here again and don't you fucking dare start screaming for her like she's a fucking dog!" Elliot slams the door, the sound reverberates throughout the condo as he locks the door behind him. He leans his forehead against it breathing in and out slowly in a desperate attempt to calm down before he frightens her.

He knocks on the door gently and it's quiet and he knocks again and says softly, "It's just me, Liv."

He hears an excited, "Daddy!" The door flies open and his son is standing there with the tablet, that he's only allowed to use on long drives and his Mickey Mouse headphones cover his ears, "Aunt Livie brought me Harry Potter from the online store, can I keep watching it?"

Elliot lifts him swinging him around as Eli laughs, "You can watch it on the TV," he slips off the headphones and takes the tablet before he sets him on the floor, "Let's go put it on."

"Aunt Livie you're gonna watch it too right?"

She cowers further against the wall, "Just need a minute…" her voice strained.

He bends down to look his son in the eye smiling, "Go put the TV on and I'll be right out." He stands watching as Eli sprints from the room yelling excitedly about finally getting to watch Harry Potter.

He stands walking to where she's curled into the corner her forehead against her knees and her right arm covers her head, her fingers wrapped around the back of her neck, and he crouches down reaching out to touch her but she must be watching him because she only recoils further, "Livie it's just me."

She trembles curling her into herself, "Just give me a minute…please?"

"You wanna go into your room?"

"No…just…please, Elliot?" Her voice is the closest to thing to broken that he's ever heard and it terrifies him but he stands watching her for a moment from the doorway before he closes the door and follows his son down the hall.

They're halfway through the movie when he hears her soft footsteps just before they appear in the entryway of the hall and he breathes a sigh of relief, even though her face is covered in wet and dry tear tracks. She keeps her head down as she walks towards the kitchen and he follows quietly behind her watching as she stands awkwardly in his kitchen staring at his cabinets.

"Where's your glasses?" Her voice is raspy and he knows she'd been sobbing in his son's room; they hadn't heard her over the TV but her voice confirms his suspicions.

"Upper cabinet to the right of the sink."

She drinks one full glass of water and then refills it, "I don't wanna talk."

"'Kay then come watch Harry Potter with us? You ever see these movies before, cause I gotta tell you Hermione reminds me of a younger you?" She glances at him and then shakes her head, a small smirk on her lips.

His son pats the space beside him on the couch for her and he can't help but grin as he watches Eli lean against her and her arm wraps around him. Elliot makes two grilled cheese sandwiches and cuts one in half, giving one half to her and keeping the other half for himself. Eli moves to eat at the coffee table, and at the loss of Eli's warmth she moves centimeters across the small gap between them until she's finally curled into his side. He drops his arm around her shoulders as he kisses her head and the thought of denying her doesn't cross his mind.

Thirty minutes later while the credits roll to the theme song Eli falls asleep on the floor and Elliot lifts him onto the couch before Olivia takes the throw from the back of the couch to cover him.

"I guess we better do the bandages," she ducks her head as she walks past him and down the hallway. She sits on her bed her feet swinging off the sides when he enters closing the door behind him, and he goes into the bathroom to grab the bag from the hospital and the stuff that Kathy had brought earlier.

"I asked Kathy to get some Neosporin for your burns I read that it's supposed to help."

"You tell her?"

"No."

She nods slightly her eyes still boring a hole into the floor, "Will you…" she shifts uncomfortably as her voice trails off before a sob can break through, "Will you do the ones on my back first?"

He bends in front of her but is careful not to touch her, "You never—" her eyes skirt to meet his and then they're gone again but he saw the shame, "What's on your back, Liv?"

He helps her remove her sweatshirt first and then he turns around before she pulls off his large t-shirt, "You can turn around."

Her back is littered with scarred over cigarette burns but the raised blotchy red skin takes his breath away, "He…how the hell did he…what did he use for the…Dear God…"

"My keys he heated them in a pan over the stove before he—" a harsh sob releases from deep within her, "He branded me right? His initials and the…the words?"

"Yeah and the tally marks," she presses her face into the mattress as she let's out a guttural sob as he coats them in the ointment. "You could've told me yesterday I would've done something you must've been in excruciating pain and I wouldn't have—"

She sucks in a breath, "It felt good."

"How does this feel—"

"Pain comforts me makes me realize I'm not some ice-cold bitch and for a while I'm not numb."

"I'll tell you that, you don't need to cause yourself pain to feel—"

She turns over onto her back and he reaches for the towel he'd grabbed from the bathroom but she doesn't take it, "Just do my upper body first?" He nods but neither says anything as he takes off the old bandages as carefully as possible to not pull at her skin.

"I don't believe people's words. When I was eight I got a horrible case of pneumonia, must've been horrible enough cause my mom was terrified. One night, she was sitting by my bedside and I heard her promise God that if He gave me a miracle she'd change, she sobbed for me…for a miracle, and she didn't leave my bedside the entire week and a half that I was bedridden," she stares a spot on the wall.

"What happened after you got better?"

She scoffs but it turns into a sob and she covers her mouth with the back of her hand, "She backhanded me into a wall that weekend said I was rude to her and her newest boyfriend, and then I got beat again after he broke up with her, my fault apparently." She shrugs a little and her eyes glances at him for a moment, "You can't just tell me nice things…my brain isn't normal, El. My mom promised God that if He saved me she wouldn't hurt me anymore…she wouldn't let me be hurt and she lied. I was eight the first time I fell asleep wishing I would die."

He nods a little as he helps her pull back on a clean Marines t-shirt of his and a sweatshirt before he lowers her sweatpants and she lays back down, staring off again, "Actions have always meant more to you and I'll do better, Liv. I promise you."

"Already have," he barely realizes she's speaking until it's too late but her quick glance to meet his eyes is enough to confirm that she said it, and he heard it.

They're both in the family room, Elliot's showing her pictures of the most recent family vacation they took when Eli wakes up he asks if they can watch the second Harry Potter. The clouds from earlier have opened and slow drizzle of rain falls over the city and Elliot's hard-pressed to find a reason to say no, he fails.

Olivia hates the snakes in the second movie and Eli takes it upon himself to cover her eyes every time one appears and Elliot laughs joking with her about this previously unknown fear of the slithering creatures. She swats his chest causing him to laugh harder, but she curls into his warm body and Eli's curled into hers under the warm blanket, and she wonders if this is how a family is supposed to feel.

They pause the movie when Eli says he wants to help make the pasta for dinner and Olivia follows awkwardly standing in the doorway watching the father and son fall into what seems to be a routine. She's has the harsh realization that even if this is what a family is supposed to feel like she's still an outsider she hadn't even known where his glasses were. How could she possibly think she had a place in this family?

Elliot smiles back at her from where he stands by the counter, Eli sits cross-legged on the countertop seasoning the sauce, "You gonna join us?"

Eli's head pops up from where he was staring into the bowl of sauce, "Yeah! Aunt Livie come and help us!"

She approaches slowly like the floor may give out below her if she walks too fast he holds out his arm he goes to place his hand on the small of her back. His hand comes within millimeters of her before he stops and it lands on the middle of her back where he knows the only marks have been long scarred over.

She stares at her hands she's made it about her again, ruined a perfectly relaxing Sunday by allowing him to enter the forefront of their minds, and it feels like he's standing in the kitchen with them now. She looks up at him nervously wringing her hand hand around the drawstring of his sweatpants, "I'm sorr—"

"Everything's fine," he slips his arm around her waist and hands her a spoon and smiles softly at her confused expression, "Time to taste test the sauce."

"Why are we doing this?"

Eli grins at her as he dips his spoon into the sauce and sticking it in his mouth, "Cause we gotta make sure it tastes good before we cook it! And I did a good job it's the best sauce EVER!"

Elliot laughs and he takes her spoon from her hands and dips both of their spoons into the bowl and then hands it back to her, and Eli watches excitedly as they both taste it. "Is it good, Liv?" Nods.

Eli claps from his spot on the counter and then he leaps off and Olivia gasps watching him in slow motion in the air, but Elliot catches him easily, placing him safely on the floor. A second later he's off running to his room for his Harry Potter coloring book and crayons and Elliot grins at her, "Do you need help with dinner?"

"Aunt Livie come color with me!"

Elliot grins at her, "I'm good and I think you have plans to color." Olivia smiles a little guarded but a smile nonetheless as Eli runs back into the family room and they sit at the coffee table until dinner is ready, finishing the Chamber of Secrets while they eat.

Ch. 12:

Eli insists that Olivia read him a story and put him to bed and Elliot laughs as Olivia is pulled from the couch to his son's room for the third time that day, "Have fun you two," the pair smiles back at him.

Thirty minutes later, Elliot stands against the doorway staring into the dark room, the only glow is from his Mickey Mouse nightlight. He watches as his partner sit on the edge of his son's bed gently running her fingers through the boy's hair as he sleeps. His steps are quiet against the rug and he squeezes her shoulder softly, "Come on Liv."

She glances back once more at the doorway before he closes the door leaving it slightly ajar and then he leads her back down the hallway to the family room, "It's quiet in here without him, even when he was napping it wasn't this quiet." She sits in the corner of the couch and draws her knees to her chest, "…I knew he'd get up and I wouldn't—"

Her mouth slams shut and he watches her shut down in front of him again, "Wouldn't have to talk?" Nods. "Wouldn't have to think about tomorrow?"

"Don't." Her voice is hardened but swimming in her eyes are fear and shame, "I don't wanna talk about that."

He sits on the other end of the couch and both of them are silent for a while before he finally whispers, "It won't change anything you know that right?"

Her forehead falls to her knees, "Gonna change everything." She lets herself fall onto her left side and her head rests on the center cushion of the couch, curling into the fetal position as her right hand grips her cast and silent tears roll down her face and onto the couch cushions, "I'm gonna be just like her."

"Like who?"

"My mom, who else Elliot?" Her words are spat out like the words themselves abused and tormented her for years, "Should grab a fucking bottle and just go all the way."

"You're strong and you'll get through this, you're nothing like he—"

"He raped me, Elliot!" She trembles as sobs rack her body, "Like mother, like daughter."

Tears flood his eyes and his second reaction is to grab his keys and torture the scumbag himself he knows he still has—

A loud sob breaks through her lips, and his thoughts, and her voice is broken into a million little pieces, "Don't leave me."

He drops onto his knees on the floor in front of her and his hands settle flat in front of her so she can see them, so she knows his anger is not a reflection of her. He knows nothing he's feeling comes close to the anguish and pain she's experiencing, has been experiencing and he has the realization that she'd never planned on telling anyone. "Can I touch you…can I hold you?"

His voice is raspy already and she looks up at him through tear-filled eyes and she's just about to let herself be comforted by him when she recoils and her body shakes with a sob, "Don't hurt me."

"Never again."

She untangles her arms wrapping them around his neck and burying her face into his neck and sobs. He keeps his right arm in the center of her back and slips his left under her legs as he stands, cradling her body to his chest as she sobs. He sits on the couch as her shoulders shake and he feels his own shoulders tremble wet, hot tears trailing slowly down his cheeks.

She sobs into his neck and it takes awhile before her sobs finally stop racking her body and silent tears roll down her face. Her voice is broken and plagued with fear, "I can't lose you…I'm not gonna survive if you leave me again."

He wraps his arms around her careful of her burn marks, "I'm not leaving you ever again I promise, Liv."

Olivia nods into his neck but he knows she doesn't believe him and he holds her tighter, "I feel worthless and empty like he took what was left of me and left the shell behind." He slips his hand into her hair scratching her scalp lightly, careful of the areas where he pulled out clumps of hair.

He shakes head and then turns his head to kiss her head right above her ear and whispers thickly, "You're not a shell."

"Come on, Liv let's go lay down it's been a long day and tomorrow is gonna be even longer," Olivia grips the back of his shirt with her good hand as he stands and sets her feet on the ground, there's a momentary flash of panic and something else he can't quite place. "You alright?" Head nods. "You want me to sleep in your bed again?" Head shake.

When they reach her door she flips the lights on glancing around the room her eyes frantic for only a moment and then she turns and tries for a smile but it looks more like a grimace than a smile. She goes for bravery even if it's not what she actually wants, and Elliot has to wonder how often she's given up pieces of herself for others.

She's about to close the door when he catches her eye, "I'll be next door if you need anything," Olivia nods in understanding and whispers 'thank you.'

It's not until he wakes to the hardwood floors creaking that he realizes he fell asleep and it's now the middle of the night. He's about to chalk it up to random noises when he hears it again and realizes it isn't the random creaks, but of someone pacing. He opens the door just in time to see her reach her room, debate with herself and he thinks she must be weighing whether she can finally give herself what she so desperately needs or stick with what's expected. She turns and take a step closer to his room and he finally steps into the hallway from his doorway. It's dark in the hallway despite the light being on in her room, but he can still see the shock and fear filter across her face when her head lifts a few steps from him.

She takes a few steps back her feet tripping over themselves as she tries to get back to her room she'll be safe there, she knows there's a lock on the door if she can just make it to her room. She bumps into the wall, tripping over her own feet and he watches helpless as she falls onto her right side and hot tears roll down her face as she curls into herself.

He kneels beside her and she trembles, "Liv I'm gonna slip my hands under your armpits so you can sit up, alright?" She nods a little and sucks in a breathe when his hands slip underneath her and he sits her up against the wall gently, "Can I check your arm?"

"It's fine."

"You fell on it pretty hard," he watches her glance at her arm and then back at him before she nods. He goes through the same check he does for Eli, and did for his other kids, when they'd fall a bit too hard playing outside or roughhousing. "It seems fine, may get a bad bruise on her upper arm though."

She scoffs, "Nothing new about that."

"Why were you out here in the middle of the night?"

She recoils further her legs pressed up against her chest and he thinks of the stitches and the burns and knows she must be in unimaginable pain in this current contortion. "Thought you said I could leave my room whenever I want," her voice is defeated. The realization that his comments from yesterday are a lie that this is only a temporary home, and one where she'll remain a guest no matter how long she stays.

"You can make a ten-course meal in the middle of the night, for all I care, but I thought maybe…" he meets her eyes and she glances away quickly staring at her knees, "Thought maybe you wanted me?"

"You're gonna be angry with me," her voice is so small and he wonders how it's possible that a woman who arrests and interrogates the scum of the earth can suddenly sound abused child.

"I promise I won't be angry with you, I just want to help."

"That's what they always said before they'd…hurt me…" her head falls against her knees.

"Who's they, Liv?" Elliot asks softly and he slides down the opposite fall facing her.

She looks up as though she'd forgotten that he was there and her mouth opens and closes a few times, "Him."

"Who else?"

"Elliot."

"You said—"

He watches anger cross her face and he knows he stepped too far into the no-mans land zone, but then she drops her head to her knees again and her right hand grips the back of her neck. "Do I really have to spell it out for you? I know you know who I'm talking about, Elliot."

"Your mom."

"I don't wanna talk about him, but I really don't wanna talk about her," she wraps her arms around her legs as best she can and if it's possible she pulls her knees even closer to her chest. "Please?" Her voice is a strangled mess and he promises quietly that he'll drop her name from his vocabulary until she says otherwise.

"What would he do when you made a mess?"

Her body trembles a little and he thinks she's having a panic attack or flashback when she speaks, "He would say he was there to help me and then he'd—" a sob slips out and she bites her knuckles tears are streaming down her face, "I tried to cl…clean it up! I swear Elliot, I tried but I—"

"I don't care about messes I have five kids and two grandkids, if I wasn't used to messes, I'd be doing something wrong." Olivia shakes her head again and he scoots into the middle of the hall, so close he could touch her if he wanted, "Liv…did…I mean were…" He sighs at his inability to formulate words that doesn't sound accusatory, she pulls her knees up to her chest, "Liv is there a mess?"

Olivia lifts her head the tiniest bit and extends her right hand the tiniest bit to point into her room, "In there."

He nods slowly as he stands up and walks towards the room, the only sound is her muffled cries as he stands in the doorway the room looks normal. The bed is disheveled and there's a glass of water sitting on the nightstand but otherwise nothing is out-of-place. He takes a couple more steps into the room figuring it must be in the bathroom when he realizes that the sheets are soaked, and he hears Olivia's whispered apologies over and over as she cries. He kneels in front of her careful to not touch her, "Liv it's alright let's get you cleaned up," he opens his palm to her and she sobs a little harder turning away from it.

He sighs again and she muffles a sob ducking her head, waiting for the blow, "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry I won't…it won't happen again just don't-"

"Liv," she recoils again her body trembling, "Liv…Liv can you look at me?" Head shake. "Just give me some indication that you're listening to me cause it's important, please?"

Olivia drops her forehead against her knees and nods her head, "'Kay."

"I'm not angry with you Liv and I definitely don't care about sheets on a bed, but I do care about you and I know that you must be really uncomfortable and I'm sure you'd like a nice warm shower, am I right?" Olivia nods a little and Elliot holds out his hand again his palm up, "Come on Liv."

She eyes his hand and then her eyes dart to his face, "You gonna beat me?"

"Never."

"Promise?"

"On my life."

She takes his hand, letting him help her up and she lets him take her back to her room, he's leading her to the bathroom when she glances up at him, "I can do the bed if you can just give me the sheets—"

"I'll do it but let's take care of you first, come on," He softly encourages her squeezing her hand lightly as they continue walking towards the bathroom. Olivia stands on the fuzzy navy rug in front of the sink while Elliot starts the warm shower, he runs his hand up and down her good arm, "You okay?" Olivia shrugs staring at the floor, "You want me to help you undress?"

A tear rolls down her cheek and she nods, and he's struck by how small she looks playing with the hem of his oversized sweatshirt. Elliot is taking off the sweatshirt he gave her when she softly asks, "How am I gonna do the bandages when you fall asleep?"

If he hadn't been standing right in front of her, he wouldn't have heard her, "Who said I'm goin' back to bed?" Elliot takes off her top and slowly begins removing the medical tape from the gauze bandages, Olivia lets out a small whimper as it pulls at her skin, "Sorry Liv, do you wanna do it? Maybe it'll hurt les—"

"Can't."

His fingers move gently down to her abdomen, he hands her a towel once he's done and then bends to begin peeling off her wet sweatpants and underwear. He listens to Olivia's broken and whispered apologies but he knows whatever he says will fall on deaf ears. He's promised to prove to her how much she means to him by his actions and he can only pray this is a step in the right direction.

He removes her pants first, then the bandages on her thighs and then he looks up to her and meets her eyes for the first time since they entered the bathroom. "I'm gonna hook my thumb right here 'kay?" His fingers gently graze her hips so she is aware of what to expect, "I won't look, I'm gonna shut my eyes and I'm gonna pull them straight down okay?" Olivia nods her head tilted back so she won't have to watch or look him in the eyes while he strips away the last of her dignity.

Olivia's body tenses and grips the towel that's already covering her underwear area, his hands are gentle when he begins and she barely feels them against her body. When he's done, she breathes a sigh of relief and a breathy, "El…thank you."

Elliot stands and smiles at her and then grabs a long plastic slip from the cabinet under the sink, "I had Kathy get this when she brought everything else it covers your cast so you can have it in the shower and not get it wet." He removes her sling and then slips the plastic covering over her casted arm, "You got it from here, Liv?"

Her head moves just barely up and down, "Thank you."

"Call when you're done or if you need help, I'm just going to get the sheets and your clothes into the wash, 'kay?"

"Yeah," her voice is quiet and mostly drowned out by the shower but he hears her. She waits for him to leave and he closes the door until it's only open a sliver, and then she steps into the shower letting the warm water and steam engulf her.

"El?" He hears her call and her voice is soft and riddled with anxiety, the shower has just turned off and he glances at the alarm clock to see that it's two thirty in the morning.

"I'm here, Liv."

She opens the door slowly her hair is soaked but her eyes are red-rimmed and he doesn't have any doubt how she had spent the better part of an hour. He had heard her quiet sobs through the cracked door, the water wasn't loud enough to drown out those noises but her appearance now leaves no doubt.

Ch. 13:

It's almost an hour later before they're laying back in bed and she's curled against him finally taking some comfort for herself, and he holds her tightly as she drifts off to sleep. The room suddenly lights up from a flash of lightning and then a clap of thunder follows a few seconds later, her body trembles as she fists his top in her hand, "I don't like thunder or lightning."

Elliot tightens his arm around her pulling her closer against his side and she rests her head on his chest, "Since when?"

"Always. I don't like loud noises," she glances up at him and shrugs a little, "Childhood is always fun and games, right?"

Her question is met with silence, what could he say that wouldn't sound condescending? He knows she's had enough condescension and indifference and she doesn't need it from him, never from him.

Another flash of lightning followed only seconds later a louder clap of thunder and her body quakes against his strong chest, "You ever wonder how you turned out the way you did?"

She pulls away her voice is low and irate but even in the darkness he can tell that she's wounded, "What's that supposed to mean?"

He reaches for her but he doesn't touch her, "Both your parents failed you. Yet, here you are strong, intelligent, and gorgeous."

She drops her head and her hair falls over her face, and when he pushes it back he can feel the heat on her cheeks and then she whispers, "I usually wonder…why I'm not better?" Another flash followed by a clap loud enough that they feel the vibration and a sob releases from her throat and his arms wrap around her without her having to voice her need.

"There's a part of me that actually likes the scars," her voice is rough like sandpaper and he knows how this sounds, how someone could…would argue that she wanted this, that she wanted him. His hands still for a moment in her hair and he feels her tense, "I don't—I didn't mean—"

"I know—"

"I just…I just mean they have finally made me as ugly on the outside as I always felt on the inside, now I don't feel like I'm a liar or—"

"I understood what you meant. I know you never…feeling that way doesn't mean you wanted him or that you were asking for it, and I'll personally punch anyone who ever says that about you. You're not a liar, Liv."

"I stare at them before I take a shower…I force myself to touch them. It only makes me feel like trash on the sidewalk, but I can't stop I stare at myself in the mirror and I make my fingers trace the words. I'm terrified I'll never be seen as anything more than trash that has to be taken out…"

Elliot doesn't say anything for awhile and Olivia is halfway to sleep, tears silently trailing down her cheeks as she buries herself further in her mind. Her right hand is curled against her chest and he watches the shadow of her index finger trace lines over her sweatshirt. He grips her hand softly intertwining their fingers after a moment, stopping her from torturing herself any furth.

"I wish you could see yourself through my eyes cause from where I'm standing, you're the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen," he plants a kiss on the top of her head, "Inside and outside."

A quiet sob slips through her lips, "Thought you weren't…I thought you agreed—"

"I'll never agree with your negative self-talk, I just don't have as expansive as a vocabulary as you. It takes a little while for me to come up with the words to accurately tell you how incredible you are, Liv," his voice is light and she swats his stomach in response.

"You're gonna make me conceited if you keep this up," her voice is light.

"Good. You deserve someone who is gonna tell you how perfect you are for a change," he tightens his hold on her and she snuggles deeper under the blankets, deeper into him. "Sleep Liv."

They pull up to Eli's school with fifteen minutes to spare and after a hug and a kiss from both Elliot and Olivia, they watch him run to join some friends as they head into the school. Elliot squeezes her hand as they pull out from the school parking lot and back into the traffic that is Friday morning in New York City.

Olivia's anxiety slowly mounts block by miserable block until they finally pull into the parking lot of the precinct, a place that normally feels more like home than her actual home. He puts the truck in park but neither moves, "I'm scared," she laughs humorlessly staring down at her lap, "Should've told the truth from the beginning huh?"

He reaches over to massage the back of her neck, "You were protecting yourself." He stares straight ahead out the front windshield and she glances at him anxiously when he sighs, "I know." He whispers it softly and she stares at her hands waiting for him to continue, she knows what he's going to say, "I know you never planned on telling anyone but I have your back if you…I'll back up anything you say."

"Why? You of all people know that when vic—when people don't tell the truth about their rape it—"

He shrugs a little and his voice is thick, thicker than she's can ever remember, "You deserve to know that someone has your back no matter what you say or don't say."

"I refused the rape kit and the pictures and by the time I got transferred to St. James the evidentiary chain was broken and I…I was happy about it, El. When you… when you walked through that door I was so happy…and so terrified…" she looks up at him and as her chin trembles and she can't stop the flood of tears and sobs. "I…I'm not a liar."

"I know—"

She draws circles with her index finger on her sweatpants, "Its…its important to me that you don't think I'm liar," she glances up at him tears shine bright in her eyes.

"Never."

"Promise?"

"On my life," he leans over the center console and kisses her head and her eyes flutter close at the contact. He wipes the tears from her eyes gently and he smiles softly at her before he kisses her forehead, "Wanna get breakfast?"

Olivia bites her lip glancing at the building of the precinct and then she nods and the smallest of smiles grace their lips as they look at each other, "Our usual spot is still open. We could walk?"

They walk the block and a half to their usual spot and if he realizes she walks a bit closer than she used to he doesn't comment. They sit at a booth near the back of the diner and Olivia's anxiety is heightened by the loud, unfamiliar noises of the packed diner. She's drinking her coffee when someone drops a pan in the back and she jumps for a third time. The hot liquid sloshes over the side onto her wrist and she hisses, he wets his napkin in his water glass and placing it on the burn spot.

"Apparently I can't drink coffee in public anymore," her voice is bitter her eyes boring a hole into the table.

He stands up on his side of the booth and reaches over the small table undoing the Velcro of her sling, her body tenses but she doesn't stop him and her eyes watch his hands until he slips it off. He pats the top of the table, "Put your cast here."

"El—"

"You can have the sling off for 20 minutes to eat breakfast," he pats the table again, "Come on, Liv."

She places her casted arm on the table cautiously glancing between his eyes and the cast and he has the dark realization that she thinks he's going to hurt her. He slides his left hand across the small space wrapping his hand around her casted ones and she stares at their hands.

"Does it help?" His voice is cautious and low, well aware that this is likely the most public display of affection they've ever engaged in together.

"Yeah." She stares continues to stare at their hands, his wrapped awkward around her casted one, "Is this wrong? Brian isn't going to be happy if he hears I was holding your hand in the middle of a cop hangout…" her voice is thick and timid in the noisy diner but he hears her.

"It helps, yeah?"

"Yeah."

He shrugs a little and reaches for his coffee as the waitress approaches with their meals, "Then its self-care."

They're walking back to the precinct when she mentions how nice it is for early October and they end up taking the long way back. She grows quiet as they approach the building, he didn't think the breakfast or the long walk back would be magic but he had still hoped for her sake.

She runs her hand through her hair repeatedly eyes casted down at the precinct steps, "I'll see you when I'm done." She turns away from him so she doesn't have to watch him walk away from her but she's barely turned around before she's spinning back around, "You'll be here right? You'll…wait for me, right?"

He nods slowly, "Yeah," and she sucks in a breath barely lifting her head to nod once. Elliot watches her turn to face the door again her hand is on the handle, but she doesn't move to open the door, and he whispers, "I thought you may want me to come up with you?"

Her body straightens and it feels as though she's transformed into Detective Benson before his eyes, she doesn't turn around when she asks, "You'll come up?"

"Yeah, unless you don't want me to?"

She nods a little still facing away from him, "I do."

He climbs the three steps to the precinct entrance and his hand settles on the middle of her back and he catches her eye, "Ready?"

She nods a little and he holds the door open for her, there are only a few officers in the lobby and they feel their eyes follow them as they make their way through security and to the desk sergeant for a visitor badge. They bypass the elevators without discussion and head for the stairs, and as they climb her heart beats faster and faster. They climb the stairs silently but his hand never leaves the middle of her back.

Elliot pulls the heavy metal door open for her before she can step into the hallway that leads to the Manhattan SVU squad room he grabs her hand and his voice is low but sincere, "I've got your six." A small smile graces her lips.

The squad room quiets on their approach and Olivia's right-hand twitches towards Elliot's but she doesn't reach for his hand. Cragen stands as they enter the squad room and he smiles at her, "Hey Liv."

"Hi."

"Give us about 20 minutes to get Alex and George down here alright?"

She grips the cast with her right hand and nods, glancing awkwardly around the squad room careful not to meet anyone's eyes and she feels her breath hitch.

Elliot's hand settles on the middle of her back and she looks up at him apprehensively, "I'm gonna go to the vending machine—" he sees the panic in her eyes at the thought of him leaving her even for a moment, "Wanna come?"

Once they're away from the watchful eyes of her co-workers she grips his hand and he finds them a bench tucked away at the end of a forgotten hallway. "Thanks," her voice is quiet but sincere.

"Figured you could use a break without everyone's eyes on you," he leans back against the wall beside her staring at the wall in front of them, "Gonna have enough of that."

She rests her head on his shoulder closing her eyes, "I don't want you to come in with me—"

"—'kay whatever you want is fine with me—"

"—I just don't want them to see me as anything but—" she cuts herself off glancing up at him realizing what he'd said, "Okay?"

"Yeah, okay. Your choice always, Liv."

She dozes off against his shoulder until a blonde detective he's never spoken to comes looking for them, he's gathered that she must be Fin's new partner but everything else is still a mystery, "They here?"

She glances at the brunette laying against him, "Yeah, she alright?"

He nods a little but he doesn't move to wake her, "We'll be right there." He waits until she's turns the corner at the end of the hall before he gently wakes her whispering in her ear, and he hand rubs up and down the middle of her back.

Olivia startles awake and her hand grips his knee, "Where—"

"Precinct," his voice is soft in her ear, "Fin's partner—"

"—Amanda Rollins," she supplies softly.

"Yeah, she came to get us—" her body tenses at the thought of somebody else being near her while she was unaware, "I waited until she left before I woke you, Alex and George are here."

Olivia mumbles a hello to Alex and George but otherwise makes no effort engage with either before she turns her attention back to Cragen, "Who's taking my statement?"

"Nick, if that's alright with you?" Nods. "You want somebody else in the room with you?" Head shake.

George steps forward then, "Liv you're offered the same privileges as anyone else, Elliot can go in—"

"I said no." Her eyes shift to Nick, "Can we get this over with?"

Elliot sits in the chair on the side of Olivia's desk staring off into space. Fin and Rollins are called to the lab some newly discovered evidence on a case they've been working for the past month. The squad room is eerily silent after they leave and for another thirty minutes he waits before she reappears and walks cautiously towards him as though she's afraid he's going to disappear on her. Nick heads into Cragen's office and it's just them alone in the squad room, "Alright?"

She shakes her head slowly, "They're gonna make go to the hospital for pictures. Alex isn't happy with me…" her voice is low as she stares at her feet, "Nick let it slip."

He steps closer to her and she breathes a sigh of relief she won't reach for him or let him hold her…not within these walls, but she doesn't decline herself when he moves closer to her. "Alex doesn't have a right to judge you," his voice is low, "You did it to protect yourself."

"I don't think anyone else sees it that way," her voice is defeated.

Cragen's office door opens and all four file out of the office Cragen leans against Fin's desk and tells her softly, "You have to go to the hospital and get pictures taken. The evidence from the rape is long gone but Alex can at least try and get the pictures admitted, but Liv—"

"She was protecting herself, you can't tell me that—"

"And she put her case in jeopardy on two potential counts, the chain of evidence has been broken with regards to whatever he carved into your body, Olivia." Alex's voice is unapologetic and Olivia tenses beside him and Elliot can't help but step forward blocking her from the blonde's view, "The rape will be he said, she said."

Elliot bristles at Alex and Olivia cowers behind him, "Well that sounds like your problem doesn't it, Counselor?"

"It's about to be your problem when Lewis argues that you," she takes a step forward pointing at Elliot, "Carved and burned words into her skin in an attempt to pin it on Lewis." Her voice drops an octave and when she opens her mouth again it's seeped in dramatics, "I can see the headline now: 'Former Rogue SVU Detective Accused of Mutilating Partner to Railroad Cop Killer.'"

"Then you put me on the fucking stand—"

"Lewis would be chomping at the bit for piece out of you, Detective Benson's former rage-filled partner who she had already threatened would 'break every bone in his body'? Wonderful," her voice is dripping with sarcasm as she goes toe-to-toe with him.

"I never wanted anyone to know," her voice is small as she stares at the linoleum floor and Elliot spins to look at her feeling the anger from the argument disintegrate at the sound of her voice. "I never wanted anyone to know, Elliot."

"I kno—"

She shakes her head viciously, "NO! No, you don't get it!"

His hand rubs her upper right arm his voice calm, "Then explain it to me, what am I not getting, Liv? I wanna know."

"I never wanted anyone to know," he nods as she looks up into his eyes and he isn't surprised to see the tears filling her eyes but he never expected to see the regret, "Now you're gonna pay the price. I just wanted to protect—"

"I know, Liv," his voice is soft and he stares into her chocolate brown eyes, "I don't care what anyone says about me as long as you and I know the truth."

"I ruin everything I touch," her voice is shattered like crystal on concrete, "I never wanted this. Elliot if I had known…" a tear slips out of her left eye and down her cheek, "You have to believe me I wouldn't have lied if I knew this was gonna happen."

He wipes another tear away and kisses her forehead pulling her close to him and she buries her face in his chest and leans down to whisper in her ear, "You didn't lie you protected yourself and everything is gonna be fine."

"I wanna go home," her voice is garbled with tears and from being pressed against his body. Olivia seeks the comfort he readily offers her without restriction, no longer concerned with appearing strong and impenetrable.

He glances at Cragen and then Alex and the two share a knowing glance before Alex finally nods, "The evidentiary chain is already broken I don't see a huge difference with waiting until tomorrow."

"Go home, Liv," Cragen watches her pull away from Elliot and he immediately wraps his hand around hers.

"Thanks," her voice is soft and her eyes are trained on the floor as they begin walking towards the doors of the squad room doors.

"Oh and Liv?"

Cragen's voice makes her stop dead in her tracks and she turns around slowly lifting her head an inch after a moment, "Yeah?"

"Here's your new department issued phone," he pulls the new phone in the black case from his pocket and takes a couple steps forward until he hands it to her, "They already set it up."

A smile graces her lips, despite her slightly puffy eyes, "Thanks Captain."

Ch. 14:

She disappears once they arrive home and he hears the shower run for an hour before it finally turns off but she doesn't re-appear until the late afternoon and her eyes bloodshot and puffy. He looks up in relief at the sight of her standing in the family room, "Hey you want something to eat?"

She shakes her head staring down at her feet, "Can I have some water?" Her voice is timid, her back against the wall, "Please?"

"Yeah, you never have to ask," he stands walking into the kitchen and she follows about five paces behind him.

"I have no idea where anything is here."

He hands her the glass of water and she mumbles a thanks and he watches as she takes a small sip, "I can show you?"

"What would it matter? You're gonna get sick of me soon," she leans her head against the wall staring at out the window on the far end of his kitchen, "People get sick of me fast. I'm annoying especially when I'm in one of these moods, and I've been like this longer with you than anyone else..."

"Olivia," she looks up at the use of her full name, her eyes apprehensive, "You aren't annoying. This isn't like when I kept forgetting your tea order, when you swore off coffee for that first month you were back." There's a small smirk on his lips and she rolls her eyes, but the smirk falls from his lips a moment later, "You had an extremely traumatic event I would be concerned if you weren't struggling."

"Usually when I get like this it's cause something…a case hit hard, ya know?" Nods. "And if it reminds me of…my…her or how I grew up I have to—"

"—Pay your self-imposed debt?"

Her eyes flit over to his and then away, "You knew…know…what I…"

"Figured it out."

A tear trails down her cheek, "How? I know I never told you, never told anyone."

"After that case with the little girl whose mom was the singer yet neglected her?"

"Yeah, I remember."

He shrugs and takes a small step closer to her, "We caught a case about a month after and you had me pick you up at a Bodega down the street and I realized what you were doing." His hand massages the back of her neck and her body tenses at the unexpected contact, "You paid a heavy price sometimes."

"After Sonya? Yeah, I did."

"Yeah, but I meant…" his voice trails off for a moment and he stares at her profile, she drops her head and her curtain of hair falls over her face, "After Sealview. The only reason," a single tear rolls down her face at the mention of that place. His voice is gruff and tight and her shoulders relax at the knowledge that this is difficult for him too, "The only reason I was happy that you finally learned about my mom was that you stopped going to the cemetery. You stopped repenting for sins that weren't yours to repent, I wanted that for you more than I'd wanted anything else that year."

A sob breaks free from her lips, silent but her entire body shakes with such force that he can barely stop her from collapsing, "He raped me, Elliot. He raped me! How am I supposed to…I can still feel him…his smell…he pawed at my—" her hand grips the back of his t-shirt and he feels her nails dig into his shoulder blade. "How do I…I can't…I feel him everywhere, how do I get rid of him?"

Her voice is pleadingly, begging him for an answer that he can't provide, "I don't know—" a loud sob against his neck cuts him off. He waits rubbing her back for a moment before he presses his lips against her ear, "But I'm gonna be here though to help you figure it out though."

Her good hand claws at his back and he lifts her into his arms, cradling her as her body shakes and he carries her back into the family room, sitting down with her in his lap. She rests her head on his shoulder fisting his t-shirt in her hand, "How do I visit her after this …how am I gonna apologize to her?"

He presses his lips to the side of her head, "You have nothing to apologize for but…I'll go with you if you want?"

She pulls her head away from his shoulder to look into his eyes and she's surprised to see his own eyes are slightly red despite the lack of tears, "You hated…hate her though—"

He isn't surprised at her honesty he'd told her as much and he kisses her head before he let's himself slip into his mind and into the memories of meeting Serena Benson. "As much hate as I have for her, and trust me I do, I love you more. I'll go with you whenever you want and wait in the car no matter how long it takes—"

"What's in it for you?"

His hand slips in her hair as she watches him through suspicious eyes, "The chance to tell her how incredible her daughter is despite her, not because of her." A sob breaks through her lips and she buries her face into his chest. His arms wrap around her trembling rubbing the middle of her back through her sweatshirt and covers them with the fuzzy blanket that was still on the couch from their time with Eli.

Olivia stirs an hour later sprawled out on the couch wrapped in the fuzzy blanket her and Eli had been wrapped up in yesterday, and disoriented in the quickly darkening condo. Her eyes search for Elliot, but the room is empty and quiet and she feels the tears spring to her eyes, her heart racing at the thought of him leaving her without a word.

"Oh good you're up, I made—" she jumps and her eyes fly to where he's standing in the doorway of the kitchen holding two mugs, "Liv? What's wrong?"

"I woke up and it was dark and I couldn't find you…I thought you…"

He sets the mugs on the coffee table so he can sit beside her wrapping his arms around her and kissing her head as she tries to quell the panic racing through every part of her body, "I'd never leave—"

"—You did though," she bows her head her voice low and broken as her hair provides a curtain of protection from his eyes, "You left before without saying a word."

"I was stupid—"

Olivia bristles and her voice earnest, "You aren't stupid, El."

His eyes regard her carefully but he doesn't comment, "I thought you'd be better off without me, I thought I was going to ruin you and I couldn't let that happen to you." He leans forward handing her a mug of chicken noodle soup and then grabs his own, "I had to protect you from me until I got better."

She stirs her soup with her spoon but doesn't move to eat it just stares down into the mug as though it has the answer she's been searching for, "I could destroy you now. According to Alex I am going to destroy you, what if you—"

"I'm not leaving you again I was self-destructing and I had to get…I got some help, a lot of it actually," his voice is low as he sits beside her their bodies touching from their shoulders down to their knees.

"Therapy?" Her eyes glance at his profile and he nods slowly as he takes a spoonful of his soup careful not to look at her, "You went to therapy?" Nods. "Willingly?"

"Yeah, my idea too. I found somebody I liked finally…she—"

"She?" Her voice is rough, her eyes accusing, "Hend—"

"God, no there's some mistakes I definitely don't have to repeat to know they were a bad idea. She's on the upper east side she actually reminded me of you, not her appearance, but her personality. She's good at what she does like you, doesn't take my shit like you, and I was able to trust her…like I do with you."

"You ever fuck her like Hendrix?"

She moves away from him so she can sit side-ways on the couch watching him, he rolls his eyes at her accusation but stares back into her eyes, "One I never fucked Hendrix, we only kissed. Two no she's younger than Maureen I did do a background search for her on her then-boyfriend, now husband."

Her lips upturn into a genuine, albeit small, smile, "You haven't changed, El."

He squeezes her knee gently, "Neither have you," he watches her mouth open, to argue, and he holds up a hand swallowing his last bit of soup before he says, "Not at your core."

"What if I self-destruct?"

"You won't."

Brown eyes meet blue and her voice is desperate, "How do you know? Lew…he…he did a lot of damage what if I—how do you know I won't, Elliot?"

"I can already see parts of you that are healing themselves, it wasn't like that for me. You're not going to self-destruct…" he sets his mug down on the coffee table and then does the same with hers and she watches him carefully, "You ever hear about that Japanese art form with the gold?" Nods. "You personify that…your cracks aren't going to lead you to self-destruction, they're gonna lead to you turning into gold, Liv."

She eats a bit more of her soup and they split a chocolate chip cookie from the box he'd gotten from the bakery down the street, and then she slips away to her room and he hears the door lock behind her. It's an hour later before he hears her door open, and he closes his laptop waiting for her to appear, "El?"

"Yeah, Liv?"

"Can you redo my bandages?" He appears at the end of the hallway and he watches her in the doorway of her room fiddling with an old Marines sweatshirt he's given her, her forehead resting against the door frame. Her voice is broken, "I tried earlier but I…they don't feel comfortable and my…" her voice trails off for a moment before she admits quietly, "My back hurts…"

He kneels by the bed as she lays on her stomach and her burns look irritated as he coats them in Neosporin, "Feel better?"

"Yeah." Her voice is strained and her head is turned away from him and he presumes her eyes are staring at an unseen spot on the wall, "I thought you were sick of me and just took off."

"I know I can be a stubborn and a hard-headed son of a bitch sometimes, I never did learn how to not piss off Tucker or keep my anger in check, but I'll never leave you again. What I did to you is my biggest regret in this life and I will never do that to you again." He intertwines his fingers with hers and his voice is thick he gently speaks before she turns over, "Let the Neosporin soak into your skin for a couple minutes, it'll help."

She lifts her head to face him and a single tear rolls down her cheek before landing on the mattress, "Will you tell me when I become too much for you to handle? I don't like being left. My mom used to do it all the time after she thought I was old enough to use a microwave and fend for myself…I have bad memories of going to sleep with her home only to wake up and find her gone…"

"How old were you? 12?"

Tears fill her eyes and her voice breaks, "Seven...I know it's stupid—"

"It isn't stupid she failed you as a parent in every sense of the word and…" he squeezes her hand and she looks up surprised to find a tear rolling down his cheek, "…I hate her for what she did to you."

Olivia turns over onto her back and lets him fix the mess she'd made with the bandages, but she doesn't respond just stares off as silent tears roll down her sticky cheeks. When they had returned home from the precinct, she had been determined to prove to herself that she was independent, but only one good arm and her own fears had left the bandages awkward and uncomfortable.

"You never promised…" her voice pleads with him and he catches her eye before she squeezes them shut like she's in physical pain, "Can…can you promise that you'll tell me when I become too much? I won't…I swear I won't try to change your mind if that's what you're worried ab—"

"I'll tell you if it becomes too much, but you have to trust me enough when I never utter those words. You're my best friend and there is nothing that could ever change that or make me view you differently, you are always worth the effort it."

Her chocolate brown eyes stare into his blue eyes so intensely that he's pretty sure she may see the deepest depths of his soul, "You'll tell me when?"

"I'll tell you if it ever happens."

She rolls her eyes, "Promise?"

"Promise." She nods and turns away to head into the family room, "Will you trust me when I never say those words that you're waiting for?"

She stops her movements but doesn't turn around, "I'll try."

"Liv…"

Her head hangs the tiniest bit and her shoulders curl forward, "El…if you never utter those words…everyone I've ever trusted has told me I was too much or too hard to handle. You'll be the first person to not tell me that, so I'll try is the best answer I can give you right now."

Ch. 15:

They lay down early between the intense emotional day and the late night it takes a toll on both of them, they leave the lights on but it doesn't seem to help quell the anxiety still pummeling through her body. The bed dips for the third time as she lays back down facing the wall, and curling into the fetal position for a minute before she's standing again heading for the bathroom and locking the door behind her.

It's ten minutes later before he hears the sink turn off and he sits up, shock colors face when she opens the door to him sitting against the headboard, "What's wrong? Did I…am I keeping you up?"

"I'm just worried about you. You seem anxious tonight?" They both know that's putting it mildly she's been to the bathroom four times in a hour and each trip lasts longer than the last, "You alright?"

"I can sleep on the couch, I know you're tired from today and last night when I…when I kept you up," she shuffles her feet staring down at them, "Your couch is comfortable I can—"

"This is your room if anyone is leaving it'll be me, I just want you to feel comfortable. Would you like me to go?"

"No," her voice is murmur low and thick.

"Will you come to bed?"

"I just don't want there to be…I don't want to make another mess," she stares down at her feet rubbing the back of her neck with her right hand, "I felt like an invalid last night. I woke up just as he was…climbing on top of me to the realization that I had…it was mortifying. I don't want it to happen again, and if I don't sleep it won't," her voice is strained.

He pushes the covers back and approaches her like he used to approach abused and neglected children, "You're exhausted, Liv," his voice is low and comforting.

She nods a little glancing up at him before her eyes fall again to the floor, "But I'm too scared to sleep…I don't wanna dream about him."

"Can I help?"

"How? You can't stop him from climbing on top of me…" her voice is broken but there's no tears just defeat, "He lives in my mind now…you can't stop him…"

"I'll hold you, that helped last night didn't it?"

"We didn't fall asleep until after four and we got up at like six thirty for Eli. He had less time to come get me, less time to torture me," she glances at the clock on his side of the bed, "It's only eleven thirty he'll have plenty of time to torture me."

Elliot lifts her chin so he's looking into her eyes, "I'll be here though and I'll wake you up the second I hear you in distress."

"What if you're still sleeping or by the time you hear me, I've already…" she waves her hand in the air and he reaches for it staring at their intertwined fingers before he looks up into her eyes, "Just…what if this doesn't help?"

He leans forward kissing her forehead and her eyes flutter closed at the touch, "I'll hear you. I heard you…I felt when you were having a nightmare in the hospital and I woke up, it's no different here. Let's just try, alright? If it doesn't work we'll try something el—"

"I don't want to take those sleeping pills again, I don't like feeling like that."

He leads her over to the bed pulling back the blankets for her, "Those are a last resort I promise."

She goes to him like a magnet once he's lying beside her, his arms wrapped around her and her cast rests on his hip, "Can you talk? Tell me stories…or something?" Her voice is quiet her face pressed against his chest as she grips his shirt with her right hand.

He tells her stories of his kids, stories of him and her from a decade ago and she laughs remembering some of their lighter moments from their thirteen years as partners. He feels her body relax as she drifts off, and he talks for another twenty minutes before drifting off himself.

They arrive at the hospital before Nick sitting in a corner of the waiting room that's empty Elliot has gotten them coffee while they wait for him to arrive. She nervously shifts beside him every few seconds until he finally reaches out massaging the back of her neck, "Gonna be fine."

"Yeah."

They both know she doesn't believe it but neither verbalizes, he looks at her brightly marker-colored cast and smiles, "Maybe they'll remove the cast and the stitches."

She brightens at that, hope swimming in her eyes, "That'd make this day slightly less horrific."

Nick pushes through the doors with a nurse and his eyes are kind but she can see the anxiety of the unknown and how bad it actually is, "Liv they're ready for you."

Elliot stands with her and she turns to face him staring at the old linoleum flooring of the hospital, "I want…I have to do this on my own. He's my partner I want him to know I can do this…" her voice cracks and she sucks in a breath looking up at him and her eyes are panicked, "I have to prove—"

"—You don't," his voice is soft when he cuts her off and she opens her mouth to argue when he continues, "But I understand why you think you do. I'll be here when you're done, however long it takes."

"Thank you, El."

The time ticks by slowly and he spends most of his staring off into the distance wondering how the hell they got to this point, his mind whirrs with the information he's learned in the past week. He lifts his eyes to stare up at the tiled ceiling and the harsh fluorescent lights attempting to stop the rush of emotion when he realizes it's barely been a week. The trauma is more than he'd ever predicted when he first walked these halls of St. John's, hell he'd been expecting her to kick him out of her room and her life. He never anticipated that they'd be at this point.

In the darkest of nights, he had prayed she'd forgive him and he'd be able to return to her inner circle, he'd never anticipated that this is how it would happen. Despite everything, despite the exhaustion that's settled deep in his bones, despite the continuous ride on this rollercoaster of emotion he's never been more confident of where he's meant to be than at this point in his life.

He's still staring at the ceiling when someone sits down beside him sighing and he straightens his body to face her partner, "How is she?"

"They're taking off the cast, she has to wear a splint for a couple of weeks and PT, they removed the stitches," the other man sounds worn out despite his previous put-together experience.

"Good, at least she doesn't have to come back for that. How is she?"

The other man shakes his head and his voice is low and troubled, "How did you…I mean you had to change the bandages, right? With her arm she couldn't have…how the hell did you do it without putting your fist through a window? I wanna go and beat up the fucking scumbag right now for this and you've done it for—"

"She doesn't deserve it," his voice is low and Nick watches him rub a hand over his face, "She wouldn't…she isn't in a place right now to understand that the anger isn't directed towards her. I try not to let her see it…I try to be better for her, at the very least she deserves that."

The other man's mouth opens to respond when the woman in question steps through the doors and Elliot stands smiling at her, "The blue looks good on you."

A smile slips onto her lips as she looks down at the blue splint resting in the sling, "Guess I can't whack you with it anymore when you piss me off."

"The memories will live on though," they laugh and Nick watches them interact and a small smile settles on his face at the natural camaraderie that exists between them. Elliot glances down at the bag in her hand, "More bandages?"

The smile falls from her lips and she nods a little her voice low as she glances nervously at Nick, and Elliot steps forward blocking her view of him and giving the impression of privacy. "They took out the stitches but the burns aren't completely healed yet, so the doctor thought I should keep using these. I couldn't remember if we…I still had more at hom…your place so they gave me these."

"Good thinking because I don't think we do, do you wanna head home?" Nods.

Nick walks out with them and he stands awkwardly by Elliot's truck holding the evidence bag containing the SD card in his hand, "I know this wasn't easy today, Liv, but thank you."

She bristles shifting uncomfortably as her eyes skirt away from his, "Just…" her voice trails off for a moment, "Don't make me regret it." Her voice is gravelly and Nick can barely nod before she turns on her heel for the safety of Elliot's truck.

The two men watch as she climbs inside slamming the door behind her more forcibly than needed, "She gonna be alright?"

"She always is," he turns away beginning to walk to the driver side but he stops just before he turns the corner of the back of his vehicle, "Don't break her trust, Amaro."

They're halfway home when she whispers, "What were you and Nick talking about?" He glances at her unsure of which conversation she's asking about, "In the waiting room…I saw you…he looked angry and you looked…"

"How'd I look?"

"Like you were upset about something?" Her eyes glance at his checking to see if she can still read him and he nods, "…At me?"

"No, not at you. He asked me how I was able to do the bandages without putting my fist through a window…without wanting to kill him."

He glances at her and she staring out her window and her voice is so low that he turns off the radio to hear her, "How did you?"

"You deserve better and right now," he pauses as he pulls up to a red light and he rubs a hand over his face hoping she doesn't ask him to finish his statement, knows her well enough to know she will.

"Right now, what?"

His eyes shift to hers as he finishes, "I don't want you to think that it's anger directed at you or to think that you can't come to me with something."

"You're lying to me?"

"I'm not lying to you."

Her face turns stony and her voice is unforgiving, "You're acting like none of this bothers you when that apparently isn't true, so how isn't that lying?"

"You know that I would break every bone in his body if I could. Hell when you told me what he did to you I was gonna go then but you needed me and you're my first concern, always. I just…I think you deserve to know that when you tell me something about him…or Ser—"

"Don't please?" Her voice is pleading and he can't help but glance at her again, wondering how her mother's name could have such an effect on her.

"I don't want you to feel that you have to wall off sections of your life cause you're afraid of how I'm going to react," he shrugs a little as he pulls into the parking garage. "You deserve better."

He pulls into a parking space and turns off the truck but neither of them makes any move to leave the vehicle and she stares at the concrete wall in front of them, "You're protecting me?"

"The best I can," he sighs looking down at his hands and his voice is thicker than it was a couple seconds ago, "I know we'll both get angry with each other." He looks at her out of the corner of his eye, a smirk on his lips. "It is us…but I worked on controlling my anger better and if there's a time for that it's now. I just don't want to be the guy who punches a wall because somebody hurt you and I can't deal with it. I never did like that guy…he reminded me of my dad, hell he was my dad or a version of him anyways and I don't wanna be that guy with you."

"Who are you and what have you done with Elliot Stabler?" A wet laugh escapes from her lips and she glances into his eyes, "People don't usually protect me—"

He scoffs and his eyes are filled with hurt, "I did for thirteen ye—"

"You were my partner, it doesn't count," she leans her head against and her fingers play with door handle. "This time you're choosing to do it, means more to me."

He reaches out squeezing her hand before he finally opens his door and she follows and he wraps his hand around hers as they walk up the stairs. "I thought not being your partner anymore would cause you more division between us, I never thought that it would mean more to you."

"Be thankful for that, means your brain isn't as screwed up and damaged as mine."

"Liv—"

"It's fine, El. It's been this way for longer than I can remember, and it'll be this way until the day I—"

"Don't finish that statement," his voice is soft as he unlocks his door holding it open for her, "Besides it doesn't have to stay that way."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Ava could—"

Her eyebrows shoot her hairline and her voice accusing, "Ava?"

"Dr. Cross could help," he opens the first drawer in his kitchen and pulls out a card handing it to her, "I think you'll like her."

Olivia stares at the card running her fingers over the slightly lifted words in black ink, "Nick mentioned that Cragen was talking about moving up when I could come back, if I wanted and I wanna go back. I don't know who I am without work standing in the way," her voice is quiet and Elliot is about to say something when she says even softer, "I still gotta talk to someone though or George."

"Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone you don't know, feels more like you can tell a secret without them watching you're every move like—"

"Like George?" She curls up on the couch and Elliot sits in front of her on the coffee table, "You think she could actually help make my brain less…" she waves a hand and says lowly, "There's a lot of scar tissue up there."

"I think it'll help and that's the first step, right?"

She picks at a coffee stain on his sweatshirt and she looks so small curled in front him, so unsure of everything, "I still can't say his name…sometimes I can't call my mom, my mom."

They have both recognized her apparent inability to call her kidnapper and rapist by anything other than him, and she's realized he follows her lead. A show of unity and she's more grateful for it than she can express this feeling of protection, that he does have her back.

"I know, maybe she can help you," he moves from the coffee table to the couch beside her, "Can I hold you?"

"Please," the sound is guttural and her body curls into his side and he holds her tightly against his chest, "Will you come?"

"Yeah, I'll come Liv."

Her head rests on his chest as she stares at the card in her left hand, "Will you call for me?"

"Now?"

"Please? Don't wanna lose my nerve," she buries her nose into his chest and he shifts grab his phone from the holster on his jeans.

Elliot orders pizza for them and Olivia stares at her piece as though it's personally offended her, "Each day feels like it gets worse. Being in that hospital room with Nick and the nurse, I've never felt more alone."

"I'm sorry, Liv."

Olivia laughs humorlessly, "Not your fault I was the one who has something to prove, guess that's why so many people think I'm a bitch huh?"

"You aren't a bitch and you're allowed to need help sometimes," Elliot watches her for a moment as she picks at her pizza, "You're allowed to need someone. It doesn't make you less than or weak than anyone else, you've spent most of your life alone you shouldn't feel ashamed for wanting more."

"That doctor of yours is gonna make millions off me. I was already screwed up alcoholic mom, my rapist father…how can I get anymore fucked up?" She drops her paper plate onto the coffee table staring away, "I must deserve it to some extent?"

"Olivia you don't deserve any of—"

"—My mom would say I did," her voice is low and she glances up at him, "You know she would…she told you as much."

"Doesn't mean she'd be right," he moves closer to her massaging the back of her neck gently and her shoulders relax under his hand. "You deserve better, you deserve to be happy."

"Hard to believe that when my own mother had told me that nobody could ever love me, and would tell me that again today if she was still alive. Cause how do you love someone who—" her shoulder's shake and she buries her face into her knees wrapping her arms around her legs as tight as she rocks.

It's hours later when they're laying in bed, her wrapped in his arms, and she's breathing in his scent when she remembers something he'd said earlier, "El?"

"Hm?"

"You aren't your dad."

"You never met him, Liv. Be thankful for that but there's more similarities than differences and my anger has always been a similarity," his voice is gruff and she feels his nose bury into her hair, knows he's breathing in her scent.

She pulls away from him just a bit and his eyes are a bit teary, "Yeah but I know you and I've never felt like you were going to hurt me, even when we were fighting. Besides from what little," she side-eyes him and he shifts a bit uncomfortably but doesn't deny it, "You've told me he wouldn't have gone to therapy, much less attempted to get his anger under control. You did and I didn't even ask you to, your kids and Kathy didn't ask you to, you went of your own accord and it was your idea. You're a better man that he was, El."

She reaches up to wipe away the lone tear that slips from his eye and he grabs her hand with his intertwining their fingers, "Thank you."

"Will you tell me more about him…and Bernie?"

He releases her hand to wrap his arms back around her pulling her close to him, "Yeah…yeah I will. I promise."

"Soon?"

"Soon." He presses his lips to his forehead and whispers, "Let's sleep now though, Liv."

Her smaller body sighs, relaxing against his, "You'll wake me?"

"Promise."

Ch. 16:

When she wakes up she recoils from him refuses to move from her bed other than to take an hour-long shower and changes into a clean pair of sweats before she's crawling back into bed. He knocks on her door asking if she wants him to help her with her back he's met with silence, he knocks again thirty minutes later with breakfast and a cup of coffee. He leaves the plate and the mug outside her door and twenty minutes later on his way to the hall bathroom he realizes that both have disappeared.

It's three hours later, just before noon before he hears the door open from his spot on the couch and he looks up as she carries her still full plate of French Toast and still full cup of coffee. She eyes him warily as she walks through the family room heading for the kitchen, she dumps the food in the trash and then she washes the plate and fork and then the mug.

He stands in the archway of the kitchen watching her dry the plate and mug and he can almost imagine the apprehension in eyes as she glances up at the numerous upper cabinets. "The plate and mug goes in the cabinet to your left and the fork goes in the drawer to the left of the sink, you didn't have to clean those Liv," his voice is soft but she still jumps into the air gasping in pain.

"Made myself useful for three minutes," she turns around when everything is put away but her body is tense and she stands awkwardly on the floor mat in front of his sink.

"Does your back hurt? We don't have to leave just yet—"

"I'm fine. Can we go…I just wanna get this over with?"

"Yeah, if you're ready we can go."

On the way down to his car, she stays five paces behind him and whenever he slows down to wait for her, she stops her eyes trained on the floor, until he finally begins walking again. Olivia sits carefully in the passenger seat, her back angled to prevent certain parts of her back from touching the seat as much as possible and whimpers when he unexpectedly brakes for a taxi.

"I'm sorry," his voice is low but sincere.

"Fine, I'm fine."

A Friday afternoon appointment has it's perks she has to admit, the office is empty and the secretary gone for the day she stands near the wall until Elliot takes a seat. She makes herself a cup of coffee from the little table before she sits in the chair next to the door, and across the room from him. The coffee is lukewarm at best and may be worst than the sludge Munch used to make in the precinct, and it makes her wish that she'd drank the one at his apartment. The thought that it would've been worth the risk of being drugged at Elliot's hand crosses her mind and she bows her head.

Inside her head one voice is screaming at her for her utter stupidity and a smaller voice fights back, argues that Elliot would never hurt her like that. The smaller voice loses and she shrinks her chair as the young version of her, who lives in her brain curls into a ball, and they both listen to how fucking stupid she is to trust him, hasn't she learned yet that men never like her for her?

"Liv," she jumps a bit in her seat at the unexpected noise and she can't help but let out a small gasp at the pain that radiates from her back and down her body, her eyes avoid his, "Did I do something?"

"No," her voice is hoarse from lack of use.

"Did I do something last night…in my sleep?"

"No."

He sighs watching as she stares at her lap, "Well I must've done something that hurt you or made you…did I scare you?"

"You didn't do anything to me, Elliot."

"Detective Olivia Benson?"

Her body jumps and the cup of coffee spills onto her left pant leg and the floor in front of her, panic settles over her face and her eyes are filled fear followed quickly by tears. Her eyes lift from the puddle of coffee on the floor into the bright green eyes of a woman with ginger hair and a kind smile, her chocolate brown eyes jump to Elliot searching for help, "I'm...I'm sorry I'll clean it up…"

The woman just smiles and walks over slowly, bending in front of her but not touching her, "It's alright I spilled my coffee on this floor a couple weeks ago the benefit of having hardwood? It's easy to clean up. You must be Detective Olivia Benson?" Olivia nods and the woman smiles, "I'm Dr. Ava Crossbut you can call me Ava, do you prefer Detective?"

"No," her eyes downcast and her voice barely a whisper, "Don't feel much like a detective right now. Olivia or Liv, Liv preferably it's safer than…people who like me call me Liv."

"It's nice to meet you, Liv. I've heard a lot about you," Olivia's eyes jump from her to Elliot and her eyes are a mixture of anger and tears, anxiety and sadness, "It's alright Elliot only told me good things I do have some questions for you though."

"Like what?" Olivia mumbles as she stares down at the wet spot on her sweatpants, can feel the lukewarm liquid against her knee.

"Elliot said he was a joy to work with for thirteen years but I'm not buying that so can we go gossip about him, please?" Olivia let's out a breathy laugh and nods slowly, the doctor grabs some paper towel and then leads her into her office.

Olivia sits on the comfortable couch staring at her wet pant leg and Avaplaces the roll of paper towel on the coffee table in front of her, "I'm sorry about the mess."

"That's alright I'll clean it up when we're done, how are you today?" Ava reaches for the tape recorder sitting on the coffee table and catches Olivia's eye, "I'm gonna tape record this is that alright?" Nods. "How's your day going?"

Olivia watches as she places the tape recorder on the coffee table and grabs the legal pad and pen before she sits back in her chair across from the couch, "Anxious."

"From being here or something else?"

She shifts uncomfortably, "Both I feel like I'm gonna fail at this."

"You won't if that was possible then I'd be out of a job, why would people even try something if they were already at their lowest?" Shrugs. "Have you tried therapy before?"

"Yeah, helps for a bit 'til it doesn't anymore," her voice is small as she admits, "I hit a…I don't know a plateau, I guess? I talk about what happened that led me to therapy but then they don't…nobody ever helps with all the other stuff so then I stop." Her eyes meet Ava's for a moment and then flits away, "I feel like my brain…like my memories, my trauma is covered in impenetrable scar tissue and it just keeps getting worse and worse. Nobody ever tries to get rid of the scar tissue, no matter how long I go the scar tissue just gets worse and it never ends up helping, so I stop going and I just…deal with it on my own."

Ava nods as she writes something down on the pad of paper, "Why did you choose to come to me then?"

"Elliot said he trusted you, I trust him. He said that sometimes talking to someone you don't know is easier than talking to someone you do, like telling a secret without the judgment." She runs a hand through her hair and her eyes stare at the tape recorder in front of her, "I thought maybe…he said you helped him and I want somebody to help me like that."

"Does Elliot help you?"

She brings her knees up to her chest leaning back awkwardly on the couch, "Don't know where I'd be without him…it causes me to, I get afraid and I push him away. I try to hurt him before he can hurt me so when he's finally had enough and he leaves," her voice cracks over the last word and her chin quivers, "I won't hurt as much."

"But it does hurt you, doesn't it?" Nods. "Why do you do it, if you know you hurt yourself?"

Olivia's brown eyes meet her kind green eyes, "I think I deserve it my mom would tell me I did. Elliot was there once it…it hurt to watch my mom tell my partner and best friend that I deserved pain because I was a bastard." Olivia sucks in a breath and her hair provides a curtain for her face, hiding her, "He's being so kind to me and I don't think I deserve him. He's willing to…it scares me how much he knows," a tear runs down her cheek as she shifts again and Ava writes something again. "He could hurt me it's…terrifying being so vulnerable with someone that can shatter you in a moment."

Ava nods watching her as she intertwines her fingers crisscrossing them over one another again and again, "Do you think he would?"

"When he's around me, I believe him when he says he isn't leaving me again. When I'm alone or…or just…not with him, there's a voice in my head and it gets louder when he's gone, tells me things that hurt me."

"What are you thinking right now?"

"He's gonna leave me, that I'll be too much and he can't handle me it's…I've been thinking about it all morning."

"What does the voice sound like? Is it Lew—"

"Sometimes," her voice is low and her eyes stare at the tape record still recording, "Sometimes it's him other times it isn't…" she let's out a shaky breath and her voice drops again, "Usually it isn't him. I wish it was him, it'd make it…it'd make it easier for me."

"Why would it be easier if it was Lewis?"

Olivia pulls on the fingers of her right hand with those of her left, "People would judge me if they knew how…how fucked up I really am. I'm still not over her, so how can I possibly get over him?"

"Would Elliot?"

A tear trails down her cheek, "I don't want him to think that I deserved it…"

"Elliot wouldn't—"

"You don't know the things I've done," her voice is filled with regret, "I don't…I don't want him to think horribly of me I couldn't bear to see him look at me differently." Her forehead falls into her right hand, her elbow resting on the armrest of the couch, "My mom's voice is trapped in my head," her words are strained. "Did you have a good childhood?"

The other woman looks up in surprise, "Yeah, I—"

"Sorry that was inappropriate," her voice is low as eyes close for a moment before they pop back open, "Just wanted to know if they existed."

"You didn't have a good childhood?"

The brunette scoffs and looks up at her, "El didn't mention it?"

"Never."

"No, I didn't I was the uh…child of rape and my mom was an alcoholic who liked booze and men more than her bastard of a daughter," her voice is sharp, but her body trembles as she readjusts herself again. "Elliot was my first true friend, everyone else before him was an acquaintance once I graduated school, switched precincts, or partners people forgot about me. They stopped calling, stopped asking me to hang out, except for El he was there and he was all I needed."

"What does her voice tell you?"

The tears begin to trail down her cheeks but she doesn't make a motion to wipe them away just lets them fall onto the arm rest, "Says mean things, calls me names…"

"What else?"

Her bottom lip quivers again and the tears flow down her cheeks, "That El's gonna leave me again and this time it is gonna be all my fault."

"What's the one thing that keeps you up at night, your biggest fear?"

"Being forgotten. I'm horrified that I won't have anyone left to…I don't wanna be forgotten…I don't want Elliot to forget about me…" a sob from deep in her throat pushes through her lips and harsh. Her body propels itself forward so her forehead rests on her knees and her right hand reaches to grip the back of her neck, "I can't lose him again."

"When do you feel safest?"

"When El's with me, touching me…holding me," her voice is raspy, "I feel safest when he's holding me."

"Do you ever ask him to?" Head shake. "He just touches you freely, holds you whenever he wants?"

Olivia lifts her head and her face is red, eyes bloodshot and tear-filled but that doesn't stop her from glaring at the doctor for a moment before she brings her knees up to her chest. Her forehead falls to her knees as if it's too heavy for her neck to support, "It isn't like he manhandles me or acts like…I'm his property or something. He just knows, somehow, he knows when I need something from him…some comfort and he just gives it to me freely."

"How does that make you feel? That he just wants to give you comfort and hold you, be near you even?"

"Unworthy. He's the first person to ever do that for me, nobody ever gives me anything for free." Her chocolate brown eyes fill with tears as she stares at the organized but filled bookcase behind Ava, "I like who I am when he's around. I talk a lot to him about things, it's easier now than when we were partners."

"Why?"

A barely-there smile appears across her lips, "There's no line anymore. For thirteen years we toed a line but we never crossed it, I needed him as my partner more than anything else and I needed him to see me as this person who had armor and wouldn't break. If we stayed partners he couldn't leave me like everyone else, he would stay my friend as long as we stayed partners that's what I thought cause…that was all I knew."

"But then he did leave you for two years and a week ago he came back, not as your partner but as your friend, as your best friend right?"

"When he showed up at the hospital, he saw me at my worst and he didn't care I thought I was broken beyond repair. The other day he," she looks up at Ava for a minute and her eyes glimmer, "He said he could see parts of me healing…meant everything to me, to hear him tell me those words."

"That must've meant a lot to you to hear those words," The doctor's voice is soft and she looks down at the pad of paper before she continues, "Can I tell you what I've gathered?"

"Already? It's only been," she glances at the clock on the wall over Ava's desk, "Fuck it's only been forty minutes and you already have thoughts?"

"Have you ever heard of touch starvation?"

Olivia's head buries in her knees and her arms wrap around her knees, holding them tight to her chest, "No," her voice is rough and filled with pain, "Sounds painful."

"Emotionally it can be it's usually linked with depression—" a harsh sob from across the room cuts stops her and she watches the other woman rock back and forth a little. After a moment she stands and crosses the three feet between them before and kneels in front of her, "Do you want Elliot in here?"

Olivia's head lifts to look into her eyes, "He can come in?"

"Yeah, he can come in if you'd like him too. You feeling comfortable here is the utmost importance and if Elliot will help you feel comfortable with me then that's fine with me. Do you want me to have him join us?"

A sob releases from her lips but she doesn't look up, "I can't...I don't think I can do this without him, can...can you see if he'll come in for me? I don't think he will not after…I said…my brain just keeps playing tricks on me and I get scared and then I'm stupid…made him think hurt me—"

"I'm not angry, I'm worried about you and worried I hurt you while I was sleeping—"

"You didn't, I swear you didn't do anything," her words are mumbled her head still pressed against her legs, "Will you stay?"

"Yeah, Liv if you want me here I'll stay. Can I sit next to you?"

"Don't touch my back though."

Ava is watching from her chair and her voice is quiet but Olivia still jumps as though she completely forgot where she was, "Why can't he touch your back?"

The brunette shrugs and shifts uncomfortably closer to Elliot, "I was stubborn and I didn't want help…it was my own stupid fault though cause now my back is on fire."

"Don't talk about yourself like that you're not stupid, Liv. I wouldn't've worked with you for thirteen years if I thought you were stupid," Elliot reaches over to grip her hand.

"Do you sleep in the same bed?"

"It isn't wrong," her eyes lift to Elliot's and he stares into her bloodshot eyes, filled with a mixture of anxiety and fear, "It isn't wrong. You aren't—"

He squeezes her hand gently, "No it isn't wrong you're right," Elliot meets Ava's eyes and nods, "We usually sleep in the same bed."

Elliot watches while she writes something on the pad of paper while Olivia leans her body against his side and green eyes finally lift to meet Olivia's brown ones, "Are you sure nothing happened?" Head shake. "You don't have to say it in front of Elliot, we can have him step out and you can tell me, nobody is going to get into trouble if it was an acc—"

"Nothing. Happened." The brunette's head lifts to glare at her and her voice is low but firm, "He didn't do anything I did this to myself. I just wanted a break for one day cause every damn day it's somebody new to tell, another appointment, something that requires me to give up more of my sanity because of him. I just wanted a break and I tried this morning, I tried to be independent like…tried to be like who I used to be and I ended up torturing myself with memories of him and her."

"Trauma isn't linear, Liv. It's going to take you time, you're not held to a different standard even if you think you should be and the people you surround yourself with need to be able to understand that and put your interests first." Ava watches her head fall against Elliot's chest and he slips a hand into her hair gently and she sighs in relief, "Can I tell you what I think now?"

"Yeah."

"It's called touch deprivation or touch starvation simply put you crave touch. It's mainly been studied in children and the elderly but it develops in people who have little to no meaningful touch with other people. It's commonly seen in kids and adults who have suffered from a lack of positive touch whether by trauma, abuse, or neglect. In some kids who were victims of child abuse or neglect it's been found to change how their brain works and leads to damaged intimacy and social skills—"

"Fantastic," Olivia mutters sarcastically, "I was right when I told you my brain was messed up."

"It's usually tied to anxiety, depression—"

"I don't want meds."

Ava watches as she curls closer to Elliot and her shoulders tremble, "No meds Liv, not yet anyways. I'd rather unravel your trauma more before we go down the road of depression or anxiety that okay?" Nods. "I do have a bit of homework for you though?"

"Great something else I have to do."

"You can do it at your own pace, it can be an ongoing assignment if you'd rather that way we can track your progress weekly and it won't create as much anxiety. Researchers in the literature talk about a touch wish which is just when people with touch deprivation want to be touched more often by loved ones, and usually people don't communicate their desire."

"I don't…I'm not weak…this is gonna make me vulnerable if people know that I'm so desperate for touch they can use it against me," she pulls away from Elliot wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt.

Elliot kneels in front of her and his voice is soft and gentle, "Look at me Livia," her bloodshot eyes meet his and he can see them fill with fresh tears immediately, "It isn't being weak or vulnerable. You're just going to put yourself first express your wants and needs with the people who love you and care for you the most, nobody is going to judge you."

The alarm sounds softly beside Ava a soft jingle playing until she turns it off and Olivia glances at her, "May I leave now?"

Ava nods and smiles a little sadly, "Yeah Liv you can leave I'll see you next week okay?"

Elliot stands so he's no longer blocking her and she stands and the only indication that she's heard is her soft, "Yeah," before she walks out of the office.

"Liv—" Elliot cuts himself off when Ava raises her hand and Olivia walks out of the room he watches her retreat as the door slowly closes behind her and then he meets the other woman's eyes, "Doc?"

"She's hurt Elliot she's been hurt her entire life by people who should've loved her and been kind to her, she's going to need a lot of consistency, understanding, and love to make it through this."

A small smile graces his lips as he enters the waiting area, his partner is curled up in a chair in the corner of the room, "You ready, Liv?"

The drive home is quiet, he turned off the radio the second the car turned on and she's thankful that he knew she didn't want the noise, "The mess was gone when I…I looked for it and I couldn't…"

"I cleaned it up, you can change out of those sweatpants when we get home and I'll put them in the wash, did you like Dr. Cross?" He rests his right elbow on the center console his palm up so she can grab it if she wants, she doesn't reach for it but he leaves it there in case she changes her mind.

Olivia nods leaning forward a bit so her back doesn't rest on the back of the seat, while she stares out the window, "She was nice to me, she didn't get angry about the mess." She loosens the Velcro on the sling and her elbow settles on the center console beside his, and he sees her hand twitch out of the corner of his eye and he gently intertwines their fingers together.

"Do you want to stop anywhere?"

"Just wanna go ho…back to your place, please?"

He nods and keeps driving for a few more minutes in silence before his voice breaks the tense silence again, "It's your home too, Livia."

"No, it isn't I don't have a home anymore, my home was destroyed by Le…him."

"It's your home too, until you decide it isn't," Olivia chances a quick glance at him, and his voice is so soft that she realizes that she doesn't want to fight.

She leans her weight against the center console and breathes a sigh of relief, "You didn't tell her about my childhood, my uh…she came up and I asked if you had ever mentioned it, she said you didn't bring her up."

"Wasn't my thing to tell," he squeezes her hand.

"Thank you."

Ch. 17:

They take the stairs slowly up to his apartment her body is rigid and her back must be on fire if the sudden gasps that escape her mouth are any indication, she sighs in relief when they finally reach his door. He bends to untie her shoes so she doesn't have to and he looks up at her as she looks anywhere but into his eyes, "Can I help you with your back?"

"I'll be fine." Her voice drops as she walks away from the door further into the condo, "Always am, I'm going into my room."

Elliot nods from his spot on the other end of the couch, "Call me if you—"

"Yeah."

He hears the door to her bedroom close but the sound of the lock is covered by guttural sobs that he imagines hurt her back even more. For the next thirty minutes, he listens to her sob from his spot in the family room and a few tears roll down his own cheeks while he listens to her. He hears the shower turn on after that and for the next hour he only hears the cascade of the shower, he's in the kitchen finishing her tea when he hears the door of her room open.

He smiles as he approaches her in the family room from the kitchen, "Hey, I made you some of that tea you like so much and I have pain pills—"

"Don't want them."

"At least have some tea maybe it'll help," he holds the mug out to her and she sits on the edge of the couch holding the hot mug but she doesn't move to drink the liquid. He sets the pills down on the bar before he sits down on the end of the couch watching her hold the mug but she hasn't moved to drink it yet, "Did I make it wrong or is it the wrong flavor?"

A smirk skims across her face, "Pretty hard to screw up tea, El."

"So, it is the wrong flavor. I'm sorry Liv I asked Katie to get the—"

"She got the right one."

"You haven't tasted it yet how do you kno—"

He watches her lean forward and place the mug on the coffee table pushing it away from her, "Smells the same, she got the right one."

"Do you not want it?"

"I do."

"Okay then why won't you—"

Her right-hand tugs at the fingers of her left and he watches her face for the registration pain and finds none, "I didn't see you make it," her voice is low as she stares at her hands. "I don't know what you put in there you could be…I've been drugged before with pills and alcohol, I can't protect myself if I'm drugged."

"I wouldn't though, I'd never do that to you."

Her shoulders curl inward as she sits on the edge of the couch, "You could've though. I saw the alcohol…the vodka in the cabinet when I helped you and Eli make dinner, and I don't take my sleeping pills so you could've—" her mouth slams shut and she shrugs a little.

Elliot kneels in front of her, "I wouldn't drug you," he pushes her hair behind her ear gently, "Why would I ever do that to you?"

She looks down at her hands and he sees her cheeks heat and her face is cloaked in shame, "I shouldn't have said anything." A guarded smile appears across her face, but doesn't reach her eyes, "Thank you for the tea," she reaches around him and attempts to lift the mug when his hand covers hers and she looks up at him, "El it's fine—"

"I'll make you a fresh one."

"No, it's fine besides this stuff is expensive for how little you get in each box and I'm already running a high price tab staying here."

He uncurls her fingers from around the handle of the mug and places it back on the coffee table so he can stand, "No, you aren't. Come on let's go make some tea."

Olivia follows him into the kitchen watching as he dumps the mug of tea down the drain, "I'm being irrational, you're not supposed to feed the irrational thoughts it just leads to the person thinking it's acceptable behavior."

"It's just a fresh cup of tea and this is the first time, give yourself some grace," he places the mug into the dishwasher and begins filling the pot that had been drying with water again.

"You had this same opportunity everyday for thirteen years and you never did it," he looks up at her in surprise but she continues before he can ask any questions. "I'm being irrational about everything and it isn't fair to you and I keep telling myself to stop, but then that only makes everything worse and then I create another hoop for you."

"It's just your brain trying to protect you. You're at an extreme right now but you'll center again, your mind is just hyperaware of what happened and it's trying to protect you," he puts the pot of water on the stove again and turns it on.

"You don't even get angry with me though. I don't act this way with Brian or Nick, Brian would…he'd get annoyed with me if I questioned everything he did, and you just take it like it's normal. I let Nick get me a coffee at the first hospital after they rescued me, and the precinct when I was giving my statement, but you I question and I can't stop it."

"Trauma can distort things for awhile—"

"I wasn't like this after Sealview, I went back to work immediately and…I was normal..."

Elliot grabs a clean mug from the cabinet as the water begins to boil, "You struggled, Liv. I know you probably feel like you didn't, or it wasn't as bad as this but you did struggle." Olivia's mouth opens to argue her eyes black, and he has to admit he almost wants to let her just so he can see something other than tears in her eyes, "You just tried to hide it. You kept it locked inside you, and didn't let me see it…until your walls finally couldn't handle it anymore during the—"

"Lutz case…I remember," and she does remember, remembers showing up at his home in Queens on one particularly hard night when Kathy had gone to her sister's home for a girl's night. "It was only once though; nobody knew how many nights I slept crying into my pillow or huddled in a corner of the shower. You know even more about me than you did know, and you already knew more about me than anyone ever has in my life. I just wanna tell you every horrible and hear you say it doesn't matter and I don't know why."

"You told me you think your brain is screwed up so maybe the more we talk, the more it helps?" He turns off the stove lifting the pot over the sink to pour it into the mug before handing it over. "It's not uncommon to swing to an extreme after a trauma," he knows she knows it but he also knows the high standard she holds herself, the unattainable standards she has for herself.

"I don't usually need anybody; I've always stood on my own two feet, even if I stood alone, I always stood on my own two feet without a crutch."

"Well, I hope I'm not a crutch," he side-eyes her and she smirks, rolling her eyes and then he shrugs leaning against the counter in front of the sink. "Maybe you don't wanna stand-alone anymore? Ava told me that you need consistency, understanding, and love—"

"Yeah, I told her she could talk to you about general stuff…stuff that would help me get better," she shrugs as her eyes drift from his to the steaming mug. "I mean you know basically everything I talk to her about anyways so it doesn't really matter but—"

"You being able to trust her is important and it matters."

She shrugs and takes a sip of her tea, "Still you know me better than anyone, and I wanted someone who knew me…and who wouldn't hurt me to be aware of what she said, 'case I forgot or something ya know?" She looks down and he watches her as her mind races, "It's weird right? That I trust you with one part of my life but then I don't with others, it's irrational right?"

"Trauma can make you contradictory at times—"

"But I'm being so irrational about it, I trust you enough that I'll let Ava talk to you but I don't trust you enough to make me tea."

"Maybe it has something to do with being alone with me, you feel a fight or flight response when it's just us," his face is open and understanding, "Not everything has to make sense right now, Liv."

"You don't scare me, I don't think you're going…I don't like feeling like I'm a walking hypocrite," she takes another sip of her tea staring in to the mug. "I keep comparing myself to who I was after Sealview, I was better after Sealview it made sense to me I only had myself to depend on and I did."

He nods gripping the counter behind him, "You're sleeping better than you did after Sealview," his words are low but she can hear the hope that's intertwined with them.

"Only if you're there, that's hardly anything to celebrate, you have to be holding me for me to sleep," she rolls her eyes taking another sip of her tea.

"Small victories, Liv."

She shrugs and he watches her face fall a little before she finally admits, "My back feels like it's on fire, I can't take off my sweatshirt cause of the burns."

He wraps his hand around hers, "Can I help you?" Nods.

Olivia lays on her stomach with a couple damp hand towels over her bareback and Elliot has pulled the chair from the corner to the side of her bed, "How'd you know a cool towel helps with the burns?"

"It works with fevers, so I figured it would probably help to cool down your back before we bandage it again," he says it with a shrug like it's common knowledge.

Her eyebrows knit together, "How'd you know it works with fevers then?"

"I have kids? My mom used to make me lay in bed or on the couch with a washcloth on my head whenever I had a fever, she used to think it was the washcloth that made me better and not the medication." He watches her face drop a little and he isn't sure if it's from the information he's revealed or if it's from something else, her eyes fall away from his and he knows, "Your mom never—"

"No. Bernie didn't believe in meds then, like Tylenol or Advil?"

"No, not after my dad had her committed and they shoved those meds shoved down her throat, it made her hate all medicine," his eyes stare into hers and she's a bit overcome with how open he is with her. "I know it must've been terrifying for her especially back then and I try to be more understanding, I mean having Katie go through it…and then everything you did for both of them, and me?"

"I know what it's like to have no family and your family has always meant everything to you, I couldn't let another illness destroy another family…and at least this was a real illness—"

"Alcoholism is a disease, Liv."

"It's hard to believe that after everything I experienced and she never got help and that was a choice she made," her voice is cold and detached and he knows she still struggles with her beliefs. "I couldn't let it destroy your family, your family means everything to me and I didn't want to see it collapse around you. When you used to invite me to the kid's parties, even though you knew I struggled, you still invited me and it meant everything. I had to protect that for you, family is sacred."

He slips his hand into her hair, "You mean a lot to me too, you did back then and you do now."

"I wasn't family though and family is different, family is genetics and blood, I was just a co-worker at the end of the day."

"You were never just a co-worker, you're my best friend, and you were my partner. You saved my family and myself more times than I can count, it took you finding out about my mom to help me understand her." He pushes the hair away from her face to stare into her eyes, "We choose our family, and you are part of mine."

"I don't have family, even with Simon I don't fit. I'm the human version of that kid's toy with the spaces for all the different shapes and I'm like trying to fit a square into the space for a circle, it doesn't work. I'm all rough edges and hard corners and your family is smooth and connected, and perfect. I'll never fit I'm used to it though, it doesn't really hurt that much…maybe that's why I'm a bitch."

Her index finger draws lines and designs on his sheets and he watches her for a moment before he finally says, "If you don't fit with us then why do my kids and Kathy want you to come to the park with us tomorrow?"

"Being nice or you asked them to let me come because you don't want me here alone—"

Elliot's fingers lift her chin slightly until he finally meets her eyes, "They want you there because they want to see you, I think they want to see you more than me, trust me. Will you come?"

"I don't wanna intrude when it's meant to be your family time, I can go to a coffee shop or have Brian come take me somewhere and you can have some alone time with your family—"

"They want you to come, Liv."

She sighs and her eyes flutter closed for a moment before she opens them again and he can see the emotion in them even if she doesn't look at him. "I love your family, El," she glances up at him to make sure he understands and he nods, he knows that without a doubt, "Please don't make me regret this."

"You won't I swear this isn't a set-up to embarrass you or something, it's just gonna be a fun day at Central Park and if you wanna leave we'll leave no questions asked. They all miss you and Maur is excited for you to meet her kids, pretty sure I only got the invite cause we're a packaged deal, according to Lizzie."

Olivia smiles laughing softly and her eyes are bright and tired, "As long as you're sure I won't be intruding I'll go."

"You won't, I promise."

Her eyes are half-lidded but she still blinks at him slowly taking him in before she asks softly, "You talk to Bernie?"

"I try it's hard sometimes but yeah I try to call her more, see her more often. I'm working on being more understanding with her it's just how she is and I know that, but I thank God everyday that Katie takes the meds. I didn't wanna have to set boundaries with my own little girl like I did…do with my mom. I allow more leeway now but still no child, and no parent should ever have to set boundaries for their parent or child."

Olivia nods as she burrows her nose into the pillow and sighs, "Did this towel thing used to make you tired too?"

He laughs softly and assures, "You're just relaxed, Liv. Take a nap, I'll be here when you wake up," her head barely lifts before her breathing evens out and he knows she's fallen asleep.

The next morning they're standing in the kitchen drinking coffee while he makes them eggs and bacon, "Can we stop at my apartment before we go? I don't want them to judge the sweats, I want them to think I still have it together," she bites her lower lip as she glances up at him from her coffee mug, "Please?"

"They won't care but if you wanna go, Nick gave me your key at the hospital we can go whenever you're ready."

They're pulling away from his building and heading towards hers and her voice is annoyed and defiant, "You should've told me Nick gave you my keys back. I can live on my own El and I gotta leave at some point your place isn't my home even if I feel comfortable there, it isn't my home and it never will be."

"I like you being there and besides you're not going back your place—"

"You don't control me, Elliot," she bites and he knows that they're teetering on a fight.

"I know," his voice is a whisper as he pulls up to a red light and he glances at her, "But I know you and you would move back in there just to prove to everyone, to prove to him that he didn't get to you. I wouldn't be able to…I can't deal with you being there knowing what he did to you in those four walls and…" he glances at her chewing nervously on his lower lip, "And—"

"What?" Her voice is raspy with anticipation and fear.

"I know you've only told me about the parts that you've felt comfortable talking about and I know there was a lot more—"

"Nobody slipped you the police report?"

"No, I wouldn't read it anyways," he hears her scoff beside him and her raspy sarcastic, 'yeah right,' and he glances at her his eyes pleading and sincere, "I wouldn't, Liv."

"You forget that I know you…at least I used to—"

"Still do," his voice is low as he turns down the side street that will lead them to her place.

She side-eyes him, "It must be killing you to not know all the facts, every disgusting thing he did, everything he said."

"And if I know you, and I do, I know you left stuff out," she glances at her hands and he watches her curl into herself, "I won't say anything and you don't have to tell me but—"

"I'm fine, El."

"You don't have to move back in there to prove that though," he reaches out and squeezes her left hand gently.

"El—"

His voice is soft and she finds that she's thankful for the interruption because she really didn't know what to say but she can't let him win, "I know he's in your brain and I know this won't help with that. I won't let him hurt you in your home anymore and I know that isn't much but it's the best I can do without killing him or creating time-travel," she smirks a little at the joke. "We'll look for a new place or you can figure things out with Cassidy, whatever you want but not that apartment okay? Please?"

Olivia glances at her hands in her lap and then reaches out to intertwine her fingers with his, "Okay not that place."

Her place is utter destruction and he keeps a hand on her back as they wade through the broken glass and broken objects, the bookcase behind the couch has been overturned. He glances into her kitchen where's there's broken plates and pans without handles when she stops unexpectedly almost causing him to run into her, "Liv?"

She's staring at the ground and he looks over her shoulder to see what has made her go quiet and he realizes there's a photo of them in her hands, "Sorry I just…I always loved this photo of us."

"Our first police gala and our first year as partners," he stares at her dark brown chin length hair and he smiles, "I always liked that haircut on you."

"Thinking about cutting it again," she glances back at him nervously, "Maybe it won't make me so self-conscious about people grabbing at it."

"It'd look good on you."

"You going to just agree with everything I say today?"

He shrugs wrapping his hand around hers, "It's kinda hard to argue with ya when I agree with ya, Liv," she laughs letting him guide him through the destruction to her room. "Do you think your purse is around here somewhere?"

"Probably but it's worthless without my wallet," she stares at what used to be her living room and turns away heading for her bedroom and he follows silently.

The mattress has been stripped and the room is more destruction, drawers pulled out and over turned, clothes everywhere. He stops when he sees a picture frame that had gone missing after an undercover assignment almost a decade ago and he walks towards it slowly, "You keep a picture of us by your bed?"

She looks up to the frame he's holding, a picture of them with her on his lap and her nose pressed against his cheek, and she steps over a drawer to take the frame from him, "No, not usually."

"Then why is it—"

"Mistake, must've been a lazy CSU tech," she holds it to her chest as walks back towards her closet.

He watches her carefully, "Isn't that the picture and frame that Cragen was still bitchin' about two years ago, cause it was never recovered from that UC job for the child sex trafficking ring? The job that was like a decade ago, right?"

Her brown eyes sparkle and she smiles nodding, "He still bitches about it."

"Not surprised he was worried our covers got blown or there'd be a hit out on us, and you swore that it just got lost in evidence?"

She laughs and he thinks it's the most glorious sound he's ever heard, "Yeah well I liked going under with you, didn't want him to do some weird rotation with Munch and I." She jokes and they laugh, she puts the frame and the photograph from earlier on top of some clothes she's packed for herself in the small NYPD duffle. She glances at him as she zippers the bag and then hands it to him, "I wanna take those pictures, they're mine don't touch them please?" Nods. She grabs the long-sleeved blue top and he realizes it's the one he'd always liked on her, and the jeans before she meets his eye again, "I'm gonna leave the bathroom door open cause I…"

She glances at her feet as she tries to find the words to explain why she can't close the bathroom door in her apartment anymore, but he just nods understandingly, "I'll face the wall with my eyes shut—"

"No!" She runs a hand through her hair in frustration with herself, "No, please?"

"Whatever you want, Liv."

"Just stand so you can't see into the bathroom, alright?" He steps over destroyed drawers and items of her life to stand in the corner of her room by the closet, so he can't see into the bathroom and she nods in approval, "Keep your eyes open."

She reappears fifteen minutes later dressed in the blue top he's always liked and a pair of jeans that are a little too loose on her hips, her hair has been pulled back, and her make-up is done. "You look great, Liv."

"I hope this is alright for the—"

"It is, you look great. You ready to go?"

Olivia nods and he sighs thankfully, "What about all my other stuff? I know I don't have much…or much worth keeping but—"

"I'll text Nick and Fin see if they'll help me," Elliot's hand settles on the middle of her back and she smiles at him in thanks as they leave the destruction behind.

They are walking out of her building toward his truck when she asks softly, "I know it's nice out and Central park isn't far but can we drive, I'd rather not have to come back here today please?"

He unlocks the doors and puts her bag in the backseat, "Me neither," he gives her a smile that doesn't reach his eyes and they get in. He pulls away from the building driving further than necessary for Central Park, but they'd still be early and after being there he thinks they both need some needless distraction.

They're four blocks from her apartment when her voice emerges and she tries for confident and put-together but she lands on insecure, "Thank you for taking me there. I know you must've hated that but I…I couldn't have handled being in that apartment without you, so thank you."

He watches their feet as they match step-for-step and he wonders what year of their partnership that began, and why it doesn't seem to have changed despite the time apart. "Liv?"

"Hm?"

"That thing that you said about your apartment," he glances at her and her eyes meet his, nodding before they dart away to stare down at her hands, "That was all you. I may have been there for support, but you did that not me."

Olivia tugs at her top glancing down at herself as they pass some people rollerblading on the sidewalk, "Do I look okay? You can't see anything, right?"

He looks her body a once over so there can be no argument and then he places his hand on the middle of her back, "No, you're good Liv."

"Dad!" Lizzie is running towards them, her long blonde hair in a ponytail flying in the wind behind her as her legs carry her towards them.

Elliot pulls her into a side arm and after a moment wraps his other arm around her body kissing the top of her head, "Hey sweetheart." Lizzie pulls away a bit but Elliot's arm stays wrapped around her shoulders and his other reaches for the brunette's hand beside him. His hand searches for hers but he finds himself only grabbing air and he pulls away a little more to look for her, and he feels a creeping anxiety that she's left while he was hugging Lizzie.

He sighs thankful when he realizes she's standing about a foot behind him staring down at where her gym shoes are scuffing the pavement and her body language tells him she's about to bolt. Lizzie abruptly steps forward before he can say anything but her footsteps are slow and purposeful until she stands in front of her, "Hey Liv."

Olivia smiles and he watches her force herself to make eye-contact, "Hey Liz," her voice is uncertain but he doesn't think his daughter can hear it, she's too focused on staring at the woman before.

The twins were only seven when she became his partner and they hadn't formed the same opinions of her that Maureen and Katie had drawn. Lizzie had never formed the same opinions of her as her older siblings, even when she did get older, and he always noticed that when sarcastic comments were made about his partner, Lizzie would be unusually quiet.

"Can I…may I hug you?"

"Yeah," Olivia steps forward first, the appearance that she knows what she's doing, her face is battle between determination and struggle. Olivia's arms are awkward and she keeps pulling away just before she touches his daughter, and he hears her sigh as she begins to take a step back, and it's the first time he sees her as touch starved. Lizzie's arms fly around her waist wrapping gently around her back, like she knows, and her chin rests on Olivia's shoulder as the brunette's arms finally wraps around Lizzie's waist. "Thank you for letting me come, Lizzie."

"Your family, Livie," there's a bubble of laughter a bit wet from both of them at the nick name and Elliot finds himself grinning. They pull away but Lizzie wraps Olivia's right arm around her shoulders gripping hand and Elliot stays a few paces behind them and he can hear Lizzie telling her about school.

Maureen has a reserved smile as they approach and she points to the two little boys by her legs who are grinning up at the brunette, "This is William Jr. and Christian."

They sit at a picnic table eating lunch meat and the lunch is filled laughter and stories that bring tears of happiness to her eyes. She sits in-between Lizzie and Eli and she finds herself in the midst of constant conversation between the two of them, until Eli finally has had enough lunchmeat and begs to go play. The twins are jumping from the picnic table, determined to copy everything Eli does and then they're running off to the playground while Maureen laughs following after the three newly-energized boys. Elliot follows his oldest daughter a few minutes later and as he walks away, he hears the table erupt into laughter at a funny story Dickie had been telling.

He sits beside her on the bench while the kids pretend that the play structure is a pirate ship, "You were quiet at lunch."

"It isn't hard when you have those three rascals plus Lizzie at the table, by those standards you were quiet too, dad," he laughs and he wraps an arm around her shoulders.

"Alright, that's a fair argument but you were quiet," her head falls to his shoulder and he kisses the top of her head, "Did you not want Liv to come?" His voice low and thick with fear that comments made in anger and jealousy decades ago, about his relationship with the brunette, may still be opinions that she still believed.

"No, of course I did. I'm happy she came," her eyes lower to her where her hands rest on her small bump and the motion reminds him of Olivia. "I'm not like Kit Kat or Lizzie, I look at her and I don't know how to…I'm emotionally-stunted, dad," she says it as a joke but her tone is self-deprecating and he knows it isn't a joke to her.

Maureen was similar to him in a lot of ways she held her emotions close to her chest, had always dealt in the black and white, she had become an account and then a CPA to deal strictly in numbers. Looking back Maureen had always been a bit different from her sisters, Kathleen had always felt things harder than most, and Lizzie has always been an empathic person. He knows that Maureen had struggled the most to understand Kathleen of his older children, her logical brain couldn't understand the irrational behavior.

Lizzie had taken the bipolar diagnosis in stride and was easily able to put herself in Kathleen's shoes, and Dickie was personable and a sense of humor to match. Elliot recalls the numerous times when he'd return home to hearing her bright laughter from something he was saying or of them in the family room laughing at the same shows. Maureen though hadn't been able to understand it though for her and he knows it had separated them for a while, and he watched her set the same boundaries that he had with his mom. Ultimately, it was Maureen that convinced her to finish college and was the first one who mentioned the idea of Kathleen becoming a social worker, and he'd always be thankful to Maureen.

"You're not emotionally-stunted you just have different skills, honey," he kisses her head again, "She wants to talk to you, you know Liv isn't actually great at talking about her emotions either—"

She pulls away to look at him as she argues, "But you always said that she was so great with the vic—" his nod cuts her off and she waits for him to finish.

"She is, but she's never afforded herself that same grace she isn't used to having people around her who actually care enough to listen to her feelings," he glances at her and smiles a little sad. "If you explained it to her, she would understand but if you stay quiet or closed off, she's going to believe it's a reflection of her—"

"But you—"

Elliot shakes his head and he looks back to where the brunette is talking with Kathy, "Nothing that I say is going to help Maur, she already thinks she's intruding, it would help to hear it from you."

"Hey El," the woman in question is walking towards them with a smile that falls away when she realizes they were having a deep conversation. "Sorry to interrupt," her voice is insecure now and her eyes glance at Maureen apprehensively.

"You didn't," he smiles reassuringly but the smile doesn't return to her face.

"Kathy has a question about whether we brought plates and bowls for the dessert and I didn't—"

Elliot stands squeezing Maureen's hand once before he nods, "I left them in the back of the truck I'll go get them now."

Olivia stands there awkwardly staring at the ground and she's just about to move back to the safety of the pavilion when Maureen's soft voice appears, "Liv?"

She jumps a little but looks up at her nervously, "Yes?"

"You wanna sit?"

Olivia sits at the far end of the bench and Maureen thinks that Olivia must feel more comfortable with her siblings than her and it hurts like someone's stabbed her even if it was her fault. They watch the three little boys play together yelling something about pirates coming and Olivia asks so soft that Maureen almost doesn't hear her, "Do you not want me here?" Maureen laughs softly and Olivia looks up in panic and her voice is detached, "I'm gonna go your dad promised me that this—"

"No!" Her heightened voice makes the other woman jump and Maureen sighs running her fingers through her blonde, wavy hair, "No Liv and I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you and I do want you here."

"You barely talked to me other than introducing your beautiful twins, I figured you weren't happy that I came with your dad," she glances at the other woman anxiously and Maureen shakes her head.

Maureen moves closer to her but she doesn't touch the other woman, "I'm not good with emotions, Liv. I'm a CPA for a reason, numbers make sense, I'm not like Kit Kat," Olivia laughs a little at the nickname that she hasn't heard Maureen say in decades and the other woman smiles. "Her and Lizzie do emotions, I don't but I know a lot of horrible stuff happened to you and I don't wanna say the wrong thing or do something that hurts you unintentionally."

"Figured you were angry at me for…I know the rumors about your dad and I, I used to have to listen to them in the precinct so I can only imagine what you must've thought."

Maureen nods a little but she glances back where her parents are talking and laughing as they pull-out dessert, "I know you'd never do that even if I used to hear those comments or the fights. My mom apologized to us after they finally divorced for dragging us into that and for venting to me when things were bad, you didn't deserve that though."

"Nothing ever happened, Maureen you have to know I would never…and your dad would definitely never—"

"I know Liv," Maureen's hand twitches and it takes her a couple minutes before she finally reaches out to grab Olivia's, "I'm happy you're here, your family. I'm sorry I made you think that, I'm just not good with…and then when I saw how badly you were hurt and I knew you were coming today and I didn't want to—"

"I'm not good at it either," Olivia intertwines their fingers squeezing softly before she asks, "Your dad tell you?"

"Said you're great with victims but you never afforded yourself the same grace," Olivia is lost in thought wondering why it's so easy to talk with Elliot's kids, when Maureen's soft voice asks, "Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Is dad really helping you? Eli told me about your legs and he said that you cry sometimes but then dad makes you laugh and you stop, I know it's…I mean he's just a kid so he doesn't understand it completely, but does dad help?"

Olivia stares down at her lap, she's removed her split and left it on the table they've been using and she rubs her hand against her pants, "Yeah, Maur. Being here with all of you helps actually, family isn't something I'm used to but you guys including me like this it helps."

Kathy calls for dessert and the three rugrats go running back to the pavilion and the two women laugh watching them, "I'm sorry not as good with talking—"

"You're better than you think, Maur," Olivia smiles as they stand.

Maureen smiles and her voice is timid when she asks, "May I hug you?" Nods.

"Anywhere else you wanna go?" They're walking back to his truck and they've spent the early afternoon at the park, "We had an early lunch and you only had a small sandwich—"

"Can I go see my mom?" Her eyes stare at her fingernails, trying not to draw attention to the weight of this simple question, "I can take a cab if you want I just…I need some money but I can pay you back for it—"

"You don't have to take a cab, Liv. I told you I'd go with you whenever you wanted, if you wanna go today we can," he unlocks his truck as they approach it and then he opens the passenger door for her, "I just need directions."

They arrive forty minutes later in Brooklyn and he sees the all-to-common flower shop that sits directly across from the cemetery grounds and he pulls in to the empty parking lot. "What was her favorite flower?"

She watches in disbelief as he opens his door, "Red roses. El you don't have—"

"She's your mom I may hate her, but she brought you into this world and for that I'm forever grateful to her," he reaches over and squeezes her hand once. "Besides, I know part of you still loves her and I never want you to think that it's wrong for you to love her, so let me buy her some red roses alright?" Nods.

They arrive at the cemetery minutes later and she directs him down the never-ending curving paths of the cemetery to the base of a hill in the back of the cemetery. He parks the car but leaves it running and he watches her gently touch the petals of the rose, "Will you wait here? I won't be long I promise."

"However, long you want I'll be here. Take your time," he rubs the middle of her back as her head bows, "I'll be right here if you want me there to support you, you just gotta ask."

Elliot watches her stand in front of the grave and a moment later she drops to her knees and he stares at the inscription on the stone, Serena Benson – Beloved Mother. He's confronted with the memory of the first time he'd ever met the woman who brought Olivia Margaret Benson into this world.

Fifteen and a half years ago:

They've been partners for six months and he already likes her, she's good with the victims, can hold her own against the perps, and her sense of humor fits perfectly with his own. He feels comfortable with her and he can already feel himself wanting this partnership to last, to develop a level of trust with her.

He's standing in the precinct by his desk just about to leave when an older woman with long blonde hair and wearing a business suit staggers in barely staying upright in her heels. He approaches her a bit carefully, "Ma'am are you alright?"

"Where's she?"

"Who ma'am?"

She points to Olivia's desk as she walks towards it, "This my Livie's desk?"

"You know Detective Benson?"

The blonde woman scoffs, "That what you call 'er huh?" She plops unceremoniously into Olivia's chair and grabbing the one and only picture frame on her desk holding it up for him to see, "Well I'm 'er mother! She's my Livie! Where she? I wanted to congratulate her on the new job!"

Elliot glances around at the empty squad room wishing that Cragen was still here, or better yet that he'd walked out with his partner rather than staying to finish a month of old paperwork, "Olivia left about an hour ago, Ms. Benson."

"I called her and told her I'd stop by," she scoffs and tosses the picture frame back on her daughter's desk, "She's flaky always has been."

"Well, when did you tell her you'd stop by? I'm sure she would've waited had she known," he walks towards the coffee area, "Would you like a cup of coffee or tea?"

"Since when can the NYPD afford tea?" She laughs humorlessly and staggers towards him and he barely catches her by her right arm before she topples over and her left arm lands on his chest, "Are you my flaky daughter's partner?"

"I'm Olivia's partner. When did you tell her, you were coming to stop by?"

"Whenever she started this Godforsaken job—"

"—That was six months ago ma'am—"

"—Oh, dear you clearly don't know her as well as I do, she knows that this little crusade she's on isn't one that I support." She smiles at him running her hand through her blonde hair and the movement reminds him of Olivia, "I'd like to know you better though," her hand rubs his chest, "I can see why she likes you. She try and fuck you yet? My daughter loves to fuck men, little whore she is…always has been. I had to put her on that damn pill when she was barely thirteen years old cause she was such a little slut."

"Ma'am how about I drive you home?"

The blonde woman runs her hand through her hair her voice sultry, "Maybe you can come in for a drink."

"I don't think my wife would like that too much."

Serena's arm loops through his as he walks her towards the elevators, "Mmm she won't like my whore of a daughter then, she loves to fuck gives it up as long as they buy her dinner the little whore."

He listens to her berate her daughter, his partner for the entire drive to her apartment and then he rides the elevator to her apartment to make sure she at least gets inside safely. The apartment has a doorman and he can tell it's a building for people who can afford a high price tag and he can't help but ask, "Is this where Olivia was raised?"

The woman scoffs laughing as though he'd just told her the most amusing joke, "No. She set my dreams back for a while wasn't until she finally went to college that I was able to spend some money on myself, greedy little bitch."

When she's finally inside and he's extracted himself from her grasp, he walks quickly down the stairs thankful that the blonde woman isn't attempting to follow him. He hasn't even turned the key in his Jeep before he's made a decision, he's never going to speak a word of this to anyone. That night after Kathy falls asleep, he lays awake thinking of the brunette and he wonders what the hell he did that made God think he ever deserved her. He came in early the next day, putting the picture frame back in the spot she'd placed it six months ago and when she strides in with two coffees thirty minutes later, he just smiles at her in thanks.

He rubs his eyes ridding himself of the memories and he watches as she kneels in front of the grave, he can't tell much from her looking at her back but he thinks she's talking. He doesn't worry until he sees her body begin to shake with such ferocity that it causes her to topple over onto her right side, and the sight is enough to propel him from his truck.

He kneels beside where she's curled on the grass sobbing and his hand settles on the middle of her back and he feels her tense under him, "It's alright it's ju—"

"No! No don't…don't hurt me!" She rolls onto her back her fists swinging colliding with his chest but there's no power, he barely feels her hand against his body.

"Liv! Liv look at me," he catches her eyes before they jump away from his again and he stares into her bloodshot and teary eyes, "Just me. It's just me."

Olivia moves to sit up slowly and he leans back a little to give her some much-needed space, "I thought you were waiting in the car?" Her voice is low and coated in betrayal, "You said you wouldn't come out here unless I wanted you."

"I got worried when you fell over and I wanted to check on you, but I didn't mean to interrupt you I just got worried," he pushes her hair away from her face and he can't help but kiss her head.

She runs her hand over her hot and sticky face and shakes her head slowly, "You're still an over-protective son-of-a-bitch sometimes you know that?"

He grins massaging the back of her neck, "Only for my family. You want me to leave you alone?"

A smile appears across her lips for a moment before it runs off, "No stay, please?" He nods and it seems to settle her,"I keep thinking about that time you met her…well the second time you met, but I thought it was the first?"

"Great minds think alike because I was in there," he thumbs over his shoulder to where his vehicle is still running, "Thinking about the first time I met her."

"You were always kind to her. You always treated her with respect even when she was drunk, I think I can count the number of people on one hand who treated her with respect and you were one."

He moves to sit down on the grass in front of Serena's grave, stretching out his legs as he picks at the blades of grass in front of him and the action reminds him of being a child. "It was hard even then to show her respect, especially when I heard how she talked about you, but she was your mom. I didn't like her but I did like you even back then, and I wouldn't disrespect you by treating your mom rudely," his voice is soft as he tears apart the blade of grass in his hand.

Olivia crawls in between his legs curling against his chest and he wraps his arms around her, "I'm glad she isn't alive now to see me like this. I'm glad that I don't have to face her or admit this to her face, I was trying to tell her when I…" she presses her face into his neck and he feels the hot tears.

"I'm glad she isn't either—"

She pulls away from him abruptly her bloodshot eyes searching his face, "Why?"

His hands cup her red and blotchy face as he stares into her eyes, "I'd have some choice words for her the dangerous situations she put you in. The things she did to you," he uses his left thumb to push the hair away and he gently runs his right index finger over the jagged scar on her forehead, "How old were you when she did this?"

"Ten."

"Why'd she do it?"

Olivia pushes his hands away from her face and presses her face back into his chest as her shoulders shake, "Don't ask me that."

His hand slips into her hair and her shoulders shake harder at the comfort he so easily extends to her, "You wanna go?"

"I haven't been able to get it out yet," she sucks in a breath, "I try and I can't get the words…I just cry," she pulls away a little to wipe her face with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. "I keep trying and I can't…I can't say the words to her I feel like I'm repeating the cycle, she'd be disappointed and angry with me if she was here."

"You're an amazing woman, Liv and if she wouldn't be able to see how amazing you are then that's on her not you," she presses herself against him and he wraps his arms around her again. A cold wind comes through the sun has disappeared behind the clouds and she shivers against him, "Come on let's go home."

"I haven't…I have to…"

"We'll come back."

"We?"

"If you want me here, I'll be here." He kisses her head before he stands and then helps her up, handing her the two sets of red roses each tied to together with a little string that he'd purchased from the flower shop.

She sets them on top of the headstone before she turns around gripping his hand as they walk back to his truck, "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me, Liv."