Chapter 3- I'm Not Hungry
Ok, so I'm sorry I haven't update in a while, there's been a lot going on in my life and its been tough so I hope you'll still read this story
The next day, I was woken up abruptly by my alarm, which I had set for 4:30 in the morning. I quickly shut it off, hoping my mom hadn't heard it and dragged myself out of bed unwillingly, heading for the shower.
I stumbled a bit on the way, rubbing my eyes, exhausted. from lack of sleep.
'Still, I need to do this' I think determinedly. I tie my curly brown hair back into a messy high bun and splash cold water on my face to try and make myself look more awake and not like the half-dead zombie I felt like.
I creep past my mom's room, careful not to wake her up and I get dressed into my sporty vest top and leggings. I have a quick glance at myself in the mirror, checking to see if I look okay, and I am disgusted by how fat my legs look in the tight yoga pants that I'm wearing, the elastic band just about managing to stretch over my chubby thighs.
The sight only makes me more determined to get the exercise I need to do in order to become skinny. I grab the keys off the sideboard and shut the door silently, having successfully made it out the house without waking anybody up.
I start jogging down the road, feeling the cold morning air blowing against my cheeks, I feel good for doing some exercise, for burning some calories, even though I've still got a very far way to go until I get as skinny as all the other girls.
Not half an hour later, I begin to get out of breath and I feel my chest tightening painfully whenever I try to breathe through my mouth but I force myself to keep on jogging, ignoring the need to take a rest, wanting to lose as much weight as possible and the only way I'd be able to do that is to exercise more.
After about an hour and a half, I head back home, feeling satisfied with how far I managed to run. I sneak back into the house unnoticed, and get dressed for school, not wanting to be late after I'd woken up so early in the morning.
I'm in a rush so I don't grab anything to eat for breakfast, telling myself I can wait until lunchtime, my stomach growling hungrily as I walk to school, having not had anything to eat in over 24 hours.
By the time I get there, everyone's already gone to form so I go there by myself, ignoring the dizziness I feel from not eating. When I get there, Josh and Sam are looking at me questioningly, wondering why I'm late.
I head over to their table, joining in with their conversation without actually listening, being distracted by thinking about my new diet plan and how many calories I could lose in a week.
Josh notices the far off look in my eyes and asks me if I'm okay.
"Yeah, I'm fine" I say, making more of an effort to join in with the conversation so they don't notice just how distracted I really am.
The rest of the day goes by like normal with Josh, Sam and me messing around in the particularly boring lessons, getting told off by the teachers repeatedly throughout the day. When it comes to lunchtime, I line up in the queue with the others, but when I get to the front and look at what's on offer, I don't really fancy eating anything so I apologize to the dinner lady for wasting her time and go sit at a table with Sam and Josh, ignoring my stomach's protesting.
We have English after lunch with Mr Clarkson so we enter his classroom, sitting down at our desks next to each other. Mr Clarkson (or Tom) hadn't wanted us all sitting together at first, worrying that we'd distract the class and disrupt everyone's learning but he gave us a chance and we proved him wrong, only choosing to talk when we were allowed, not wanting to be separated.
I listen to Mr Clarkson's talk about spelling and grammar, becoming more and more bored as it went on. As soon as it was finished and the worksheets were being handed around, I stuck my hand in the air, waiting for the teacher to notice me.
"Yes, Lauren?" he sighs.
"Can I go to the loo please, Sir?"
"But you've only just had lunch.." Mr Clarkson asks, annoyed that I didn't go when I was supposed to.
I look up at him with a desperate expression on my face, knowing he'll let me go eventually.
"Hurry up then" says, giving in.
"Thankyou, Sir" I reply, tucking my chair in hurriedly and walking to the girls' toilets.
I admit that I only really said I needed the toilet to get out of class, but I go anyway, the toilets being empty because lunchtime has only just finished and everyone is in class.
I look in the mirror, paranoid about what I look like to Josh. It's only useful for seeing my face in and not my whole body like what I want to see, but it works for all the other girls who fight over it whilst doing their hair and makeup. I poke my fat cheeks, unhappy with the way they bounce back and my double chin catches my eye, chubbier than ever and looking ugly. I can't even see the actual structure of my face and cheekbones, because of all the annoying fat that gets in the way, and I wonder for the second time that day why I can't look like all the skinny fashion models like Bella and Gigi Hadid.
I locked myself in a cubicle, glad that there was no one in here, my tears threaten to slide down my cheeks and I let them, not caring anymore. I silently sob, wondering how I'd ever let myself get so fat and out of control. Surely Josh had noticed? Of course he has, I think bitterly, he's probably repulsed at the sight of me and would never like me now I look like this.
After I've cried for a good 15 minutes, I realise that crying isn't going to make me any skinner so I get off my fat arse and wipe my tears away, embarrassed at having cried over my appearance, when I should have been doing something about it.
I sniff and reluctantly open the cubicle door, to a herd of Year 11 girls staring at me and laughing. I look them up and down enviously, wishing I looked like they did. I notice their skinny legs that look amazing in tight black jeans and the way their stomach is flat underneath their school shirt and tie.
They notice me looking, and frown confused, before walking out the toilets, still laughing and giggling. I wonder what they're laughing at when I look in the mirror and realise they were laughing at me. I look a mess, my eyes are all red and puffy, my supposedly 'waterproof' mascara has leaked all over my eyes and my nose is running. I splash my face with cold water, making sure there's no mascara left on there, not sure what to do about my puffy eyes and grab some toilet roll from by the sink, rubbing my eyes gently. When I decide I look ok, I leave the toilets, making my way back to Mr Clarkson's classroom, stifling my miserable tears on the way. When I walk in, everyone stops what they're doing and look up at me. I notice Mr Clarkson glaring at me angrily, and I gulp nervously.
"Where have you been, Lauren? I was about to get someone to go looking for you because you were gone so long" he demands, angrily.
I look down at the floor, trying to hide my still puffy eyes from everyone.
"Well? I'm still wating for an answer" he says, becoming more and more angry with me.
"The toilet, Sir" I say quietly.
A few boys snigger and one particularly rude boy mumbles under his breath if I'd started my period while I was in there, which makes the whole class laugh out loud.
My cheeks blaze bright red, humiliated.
"That's enough" Mr Clarkson booms, and the laughter dies down instantly.
"Come on, Lauren. You've been gone for over twenty minutes, you can't honestly expect me to believe you've been on the toilet for that length of time".
I look up, not knowing what else to say, confused as to how that much time had passed while I was in the toilets.
Mr Clarkson must have seen my tear-stained face though, as he stops asking me questions, and asks me quietly to sit back down again and get on with the worksheet that had been handed out.
"You can copy off Josh's work if you get stuck" he says, already moving on with the lesson.
"What's wrong?" Sam whispers, squeezing my hand under the table and giving me a warm smile.
"Nothing," I say, giving her a weak smile and reaching for my pen, wanting the lesson to be over and done with so I can get home and start my diet plan.
Lauren reaches out for my pen too and snatches it off me, causing me to look up at her confused.
"What did you do that for?" I ask, annoyed.
"I know you're lying, Lauren" she says.
"Lying about what?" I say, pretending to not know what she was talking about.
"That you're ok, I can see you've been crying, your mascara's a mess. We're best friends, me and you, Lauren, you can tell me anything."
"Oh, that, my mascara's just been bugging me" I say casually.
Sam gives up and lets me have my pen back and I complete the worksheet with time still left before the end of the lesson. Josh taps me on the shoulder, and I turn to look at him, wondering what je wants from me.
He passes me a note silently and I open it up secretly underneath the table and read it.
"U ok? Is it about what me and Finn said yesterday? If it is, I'm really really sorry, I never meant for it to hurt you, it was only meant to be a joke" it says, with a smiley face and an x on the end.
I take a deep breath and glance over at Josh, who is looking back at me, with a worried expression on his face. I give him a reassuring smile, and begin to write out a reply.
"No, it's not what you and Finn said, I don't care about that, I know it was only meant to be a joke. I'm fine x" I reply, passing him the note.
He spends a minute reading it, and then looks up at me to say 'are you sure?' and I nod back at him. He smiles and crumples up the note before Mr Clarkson can see it, carrying on with his work.
I will never admit it but what Josh and Finn said did hurt me, I get that I was meant to hear it and all, but that doesn't change the fact that it still hurt and I feel worse about my appearance than I ever have dome before.
Hi, hope you liked this chapter, it's a lot longer than the others, I know but I kinda enjoyed writing this chapter so I wasn't really paying attention to how many words it was. Please review x