All Characters belong to RoosterTeeth etc.
It had been a long time since Willow had any thrills in her life. Let alone two affairs in less than twelve hours. But morning sex with the new maid was always fun, the only problem is Willow was pretty sure she broke it. The formerly black haired girl and newly pink and brown haired girl was attempting to cuddle. Neo just laid on Willow's chest like some child, "Pathetic."
Neo shot up looking Willow in the eyes, the look on the little girls face grew sad as her eyes teared up, "If that didn't work for my children it won't work for you either."
NOM!
Neo, attempting to gain ground, bit Willow. Willow took it in stride... as she moaned. Neo was quick to stop the kinky, she was however not going to move unless moved. Willow just remained motionless on her bed... What was she supposed to do? Get rid of the little girl herself? That was what servants were for. But that was all ruined when an alarm went off. Willow tried to ignore it, but she only set alarms on important days. Like Oktoberfest... or ST Patrick's Day... or Mistral New Year. She hoped it was booze day. Well it always was for her.
She finally worked her way over to the nightstand where she found her scroll buzzing. She lifted it to her face to see the alarm and with a lot of excitement she sat up. In the process it launched Neo across the room, "TODAY IS THE DAY!"
Neo sat up as their nudity became apparent, Neo noticed because she was on the cold ground Willow noticed because everything was jiggling. Why was every floor in this mansion made out of ice? Willow ignored it as she quickly threw on her clothes from the prior day still piled up in the corner before leaving Neo. Neo let out a benign sigh as she noticed her breath was visible. She needed warmth, but more importantly she needed to get dressed. Neo rushed over to her clothing pile where she found something was missing. Had Willow taken her underwear? That was ridiculous... they would never fit Willow's cow udders or on her hips which, she knew from experience, were the size of Neo's shoulders. But then again they were still missing from the pile...
Willow was having a hard time running. Not only did she feel like nauseated death it was like the underwear she was wearing was 5 sizes too small. The bra had snapped when she rounded the first corner while her panties felt like it was being locked in tight leather fetish gear... She probably shouldn't have let Weiss's probable real father take them after dinner. Wait then where did she get these? Either way she still made her way to Jacques office. She practically kicked in the door when she did, however she is refined.
She had a Boarbatusk do it. Jacques didn't react.
"JAQ! It's official we are divorced!"
"I'll call you back." Jacques ever composed hung up the phone before making his way over to the cabinet, the one that used to be full of liquor, "What are you talking about you drunken sow?"
"The contract! You remember the one."
"No, I hardly ever remember talking to you, far to unintelligent for my tastes. And I don't particularly remember signing any divorce papers." Jacques was calm as he was struggling to find a bottle not completely empty.
"Not our divorce. The marriage contract."
"Oh that, I remember I get made CEO and you marry me. Old Nicolas always hated me, saddling me with his drunken whore of a daughter." Hurtful yet not entirely untrue.
"You didn't fulfill the contract so now all terms are void-"
"I believe the contract said I had to marry you to be made CEO. I did that."
"No, the contract said you had to marry me and bear me a child. And if you didn't I am, after a grace period of 30 years, able to renegotiate the contract." Willow was proud of herself for this one.
"Ah yes, you act like all three of those children aren't really mine. No matter how much you pretend I know they are." Jacques was also sure of his security in his position. He had run DNA tests on all of them.
"Oh yes those DNA tests... Of the hair off their bald baby heads. Do you not find it odd that they all had a few short black hairs the first day and then never again after~" Then the dawning realization that he needed to go test Whitley.
"Hey, James did you get a summons too?" Qrow noted as he sat next to the larger general in what had to be the fanciest courthouse he had ever been in. Just this morning they had celebrated Weiss and him being related before getting a summons to court.
"Yep. You think we're about to be witnesses to old Jacq's divorce?"
"Oh gods I would have brought the kids if that's what I thought it was."
"Qrow... either free me or I will kill you." Weiss and Winter were unlucky enough to have to wear a child harnesses as they refused to to submit to each other in the staring contest. It seemed the Schnee siblings were also summoned as even Whitley was there. Klein was the last to arrive as his suit wasn't the typical butler affair... Probably because Jacques fired him.
"Ah a good old fashioned Schnee sister staring contest. I haven't seen these for years. Probably because last time Weiss's left eye popped and I banned them." Klein said as he would stop it... if it was his job... he'd stop it if they started to bulge. But when the three men's eyes met they realized something... But there was a silence as they all knew that they knew. Willow leaned out of the courtroom as she saw them get there.
"Oh good the fathers are here." Willow said as she called motioned them in.
"Oh gods they are getting divorced..." Qrow said as he tugged Weiss along. When they entered the courtroom Jacques's and his army of lawyers were at one stand while Willow was completely alone at the other... Oh gods how much was he going to have to pay, Qrow had to throw one last hail Mary to Ironwood, "You can get us out of this right?"
"Sure... maybe... I'm going to be honest Qrow- chances are you're screwed."
"Fuck." They took their seats next to Willow as Klein sat behind them. Weiss and Winter took seats on apposing sides of the bench.
"Willow, I know you wouldn't be doing this because of last night. Right?" Ironwood was terrified. He knew this divorce was coming since he realized Winter was his, he just never thought he would actually be apart of the divorce proceedings.
"Oh no I marked this date on my calendar 30 years ago." Good that meant the 25 year old Winter wasn't-
"Oh okay... wait what!" Willow didn't respond as she leaned over to the trashcan at the end of the table. She began to fill it with the contents of yesterday's dinner... this hangover was killing her.
"I haven't had a hangover like this since... When did we make Whitley again?" Willow asked Klein as he blushed trying to hide his face which matched his pink eyes.
"It was a while ago..."
"ORDER IN THE COURT!" The judge entered who Ironwood immediately recognized as councilwoman Camilla. She was the judge yet she still came out in the stupidest looking dress ever.
"Oh gods-" Ironwood rubbed his head as her hate for him would likely affect the divorce.
"Now I assume you want to keep this quick and quite so what is it this time? Another affair? A domestic dispute? If it's the last thing-Willow I feel I need to remind you, you are strong enough to break his jaw with a light tap." She looked tired of seeing Willow and Jacques. This was only their... eighth court appointment in the last... week.
"She claims the marriage license I signed was a contract and I failed to follow through." Camilla looked dead inside as Jacques proclaimed the case.
"Willow. A marriage license is only a contract if you got a prenup with it-"
"I would like to present evidence!" Willow was either drunk or stupid... no one knew. But as she tore open the buttons on her blouse giving everyone a show of cleavage. Then she began to fish for something in between them... Qrow was awestruck as she usually has to pay to see something like this in person.
"Sure." Camilla rolled her eyes as Willow produced a small sealed envelope. She was about to hand it to Qrow when she paused and handed it to Ironwood, she wanted it to get there intact. He took it and walked up. Ironwood however snoopy as ever opened it and inspected the document inside of it.
"Flowery handwriting of a teenager... with Nicolas, Jacques and Willow's signatures... and it's notarized." Ironwood read as he walked. Then before when he got afew feet from the judge he stopped in place. He turned back to Willow, "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!"
"I don't remember I was like 17 when I wrote it, give me a break. I've been drunk a lot since then."
"General if you don't calm down then I'll be-" He shoved it in her face, she read it, "Willow you bitch."
"I still don't know what's on that contract!" Jacques interjected.
"Oh Jacq... It wasn't nice to know you-" Ironwood told him like he was witnessing the death of person.
"Preposterous-"
"Willow and Jacques agree to be married for 30 years in that time Jacques will be placed in charge of the Schnee Dust Company. During this period he is required to bear an heir to the Schnee family. Failure to do so will result in him being removed from CEO and the Schnee name. And the next CEO of the Schnee Dust Company shall be the one that bears Willow Schnee a child." The judge read out in disgust.
"I refuse." Three voices shouted out as Ironwood, Qrow and Klein tried to get out of their new job.
"There is no way I am not the father! We ran a considerable amount of tests since their births-"
"Why don't we just prove it now? Everyone is here and I am more than willing to submit my blood to prove he's not our father." Winter declared thumbing over her shoulder at Jacques yet she still did not break eye contact with her sister.
"Sure. Why not." Camilla had seen enough of them not to care, "Go get the testing kit."
Of the 4 men being tested Qrow was the only one with anything to gain. The problem with that was if his luck was a prick he'd be forced to be the CEO of the SDC. Which meant he'd have to do things! Like paperwork... or business... or pleasing a wife on a constant basis. He needed to shove the work on someone else, "So just to be clear if I'm the one she picks- you know you're doing it right."
"Qrow if she picks you to be the head of the largest corporations on Remnant, which is vital to the survival of millions, I will kill you personally." Ironwood was less than happy as the blood he donated was going through the centrifuge.
"You're a good friend."
"I hope she doesn't pick me- I couldn't deal with that responsibility." Klein was more than worried as he was a butler... and only a butler. He wasn't father material he couldn't handle being the one to read to the children at night or make them hot cocoa when their sad... Oh he was already their father...
"Then you should all leave. And let me remain-"
"No." They all said in unison as Jacques was the one that was about to lose it all.
"Well at least we'll know for certain who's what. I'm only worry that Weiss here will be stuck looking like a toddler forever, after she took after Qrow's side of the gene pool." Winter insulted as her eyes had a growing redness.
"I doubt it- I met Raven and perhaps you've even met her daughter- Yang! So there is little chance I will remain this size. But I worry that my sister got Ironwood's iron rod shoved up her ASS!" Weiss said as her right eye was completely bloodshot. Her left was fine... Whitley looked passed his sisters petty contests as he sucked his soon-to-be-ex-father off.
"I could be worse I'm sure father-"
"BALD!" The sisters shouted. Whitley recoiled as he tired to protect the hair on his head... like that would help.
"Oh they're quite dreadful. You shouldn't listen to them- I went bald due to stress." Klein commented trying to alleviate the young heir.
"Really, what could be so stressful for a butler?" Jacques commented as he was the least popular in the group.
"The summer that I was fucking you wife comes to mind! She just wouldn't relent! Tearing out all the hair on my head, it was the only place she could grip after getting slathered in all the oil!" The now red eyed Klein proclaimed. Everyone of them sat in shock for a few seconds... Sort of like when a flash bang goes off and you're left sitting there deaf and blind.
Willow was the only one not present as she didn't have to prove she was the mother... She much preferred the toilet. Where she was still sick... Why did this feel so familiar... Did she accidentally another child? Well it would be nice to have a boy for once... Hopefully. When she returned she proclaimed, "I have a late entry to the test!"
"Please dear gods tell me it's mine!" Jacques said as he sat there nervous he's losing his empire.
"Unless you did something while I was asleep we haven't had sex since... How long Weiss-"
"9 years, he told you he married you for our name. Then you went and ugly cried as Klein and Winter tried to salvage my birthday." Willow shrugged as she ignored how bad of a mother she was.
"When can you test a baby inside of me's DNA?" Qrow realized he was the last one to bang her...
"At 9 weeks ma'am." The doctor was less than convinced, "How far along are you?" Willow raised a single finger as she tried to count in her head... then she produced said finger to the doctor in a confident manner.
"Less than a day."
"You are not pregnant you're hungover." Ironwood interjected preventing the doctor from saying the same thing.
"Oh thank the gods!" Qrow muttered.
"I can prove it!"
"Ma'am any test will be inconclusive for the next few weeks... let alone the chances it even shows on a pregnancy test." The doctor was at his wits end. First performing 7 simultaneous DNA tests and then suffering through the incessant insanity they were under.
"Not like that, like this!" She took a fork and marched over to an electrical outlet... Qrow was the only one to react as the others wanted to see what would happen. Yet he couldn't be moved while they were stealing his blood. Willow walked just out of sight.
"If she's pregnant she won't be for long..." Whitley muttered as he ate popcorn watching. Then the lights flickered...
"At least I don't have to worry about a second kid..." Qrow muttered solemnly he may not have wanted it but he would have done right by it. Ironwood put his mechanical hand on his coworkers shoulder.
"She's in a worse place."
"No, she's not. Qrow's here we aren't going to be lucky today." His attempt to comfort Winter in this trying time was faulty...
"How long along do I have to be?" Willow called from out of sight. She sounded fine. She had just been electrocuted how had she been fine?
"9 weeks... what did you do?" There was panic in the doctor's voice as he wasn't sure what was happening.
"Ughh! Give me a minute." The lights flickered again this time continuously.
"What the fuck was that! Shouldn't she be I don't know- DEAD!" Qrow called out.
"Time dilation Glyphs- she speeding up her body's development with the electricity." Weiss confirmed as her eye began bleeding. Ironwood however was skeptical that was possible.
"That can't possibly-"
"You do realize I was born less than a month after you two had sex right?" Winter commented through bloodshot eyes. Ironwood looked down as he counted to himself.
"Then why didn't she do that for Weiss?" Qrow asked not wanting to risk it.
"She did."
"But she said nine-"
"That was the first time she held me after my birth, not my actual birth. She preferred to party afterwards ruining the 3 and a half weeks sober." That's sad and Weiss should feel sad.
"I mean-"
"Qrow when was the mission?" Winter was tired of all the chatter.
"Uh- April-"
"Weiss when is your birthday?"
"May-"
"Figure the math out on that one!" With that the lights stopped flickering. Willow came back with a significant bump that looked like she was at least 3 months along. Her outfit however was ruined with the blouse being scorched and the vest being removed to make room for the baby. She looked more worried about the clothes than the baby.
"How bout now?"
"I can't lie. That is kind of amazing-"
"Just do the test!" The doctor didn't get to finish as he shot up under command of the woman.
"Alright- After all those tests are you sure you want to ruin your fam-"
"JUST TELL ME YOU OVERFED SHREW!" Jacques was at the end of his sanity as he was about to lose his company. Willow was just smug as she cradled her belly, she had called the bang maid to bring her a new set of more fitting clothes. Neo was less than happy about being summoned but she was enjoying the spectacle of rich people getting divorced. She always wanted to divorce some rich guy and take all his money... and property... and kids... and then murder him.
"One more outburst like that and it's a week in-"
"CAMILLA I WILL END YOU! JUST READ THE TEST OR SO HELP ME GODS I WILL LET THE GRIMM EAT YOUR HOUSE NEXT TIME!" Ironwood was also at the end of something. His patience... and a loaded gun. Winter had taken it when he told her to end the staring contest even though both the sisters are bleeding from their eyes.
"Tsk- Fine. When it comes to the paternity of Winter Schnee- Jacques Schnee you are not the father!" No one clapped, "The real father is James Ironwood..."
"Shocker. NEXT!" Winter pointed out.
"Really nothing? Y'all need therapy-"
"WE KNOW!" The Schnee family said in unison. Camilla shook her head at the display. It was damn near a ritual for them to take each other to court... like that time Weiss borrowed Winter's brush and she sued for grand larceny... This family was damaged goods, and not the good kind that's on sale. They were fruit that sat in the bottom of the basket for far too long.
"Jacques Schnee when it comes to Weiss Schnee you are- not the father! Qrow Branwen you in fact are."
"SHIT!" Jacques and Qrow shouted in unison, but while Qrow stopped Jacques was beyond panicking at this point, "Two more tries!"
"You people need to calm down!"
"FUCK YOU! YOU DON'T TELL A PREGNANT WOMAN TO CALM DOWN! I WILL CUT YOU BITCH!" Willow shot up like a rocket. Then she immediately sat back down and began crying, "TH-the hormo-m-mones hit li-i-i-ge a buuussss!"
"Are you sure this isn't your default state of crazy?" Whitley commented as he scowled at the woman.
"And there is no blood shared between Whitley Schnee and Jacques Gele. That honor belongs to Klein Sebien," Camilla was rushing through it now.
"That's not my name anymore!" Jacques was finished.
"Well it's going to be again soon." The lawyers began scattering as their case was dissolving by the second. Jacques had one last shot.
"What about the unborn child that has to count for something!"
"In the case of 'unnamed-baby-number-4' Schnee. Really Willow?" Willow shrugged, she had a whole 3 days to figure out a name, "You are not the father."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"I don't want to know, but who is the father?" Qrow muttered, he could handle Weiss. She was already grown but another and a baby for that matter- that was out of the question.
"Uh... he is... none of you- Really Willow?" Camilla glared at the matriarch and current head of the Schnee family.
"Don't look at me, I've only done tall dark and whiskey flavored in the last month." Willow raised her shoulders as the child is unknown. Neo couldn't help but silently laugh- What kind of idiot doesn't know who the father is? The woman who got pregnant at the orgy?
"Well they ran it through the database and we got a hit. The father of, I'm not saying this name again, is Neopolitan? A small time crook from Vale with a rap sheet a mile long..." Everyone turned to the Schnee matriarch with several looks. Even Winter and Weiss broke off their staring contest to glare at the older woman with demonic blood eyes.
"How'd you manage that!" Qrow shouted.
"Do you just sleep with anything that moves?" Winter insulted.
"How did you two even meet?" Ironwood inquired.
"Neo's not a man, how are you pregnant?" Weiss was confused. Willow pondered to herself before she turned around and asked.
"I'm lost... I didn't know you had a name." Everyone turned to Neo as her disguise shattered. Neo sat there stunned... for a number of reasons. She had thought when she eventually became a mother it would be because she kill a child's parents and abducted it. Or a condom broke in her but...
HOW THE HELL DID SHE GET ANOTHER WOMAN PREGNANT? SHE THOUGHT ROMAN WAS KIDDING WHEN HE SAID ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM WHEN FUCKING WOMAN!
"Welp that puts her in the running." Willow sang it out followed by dead silence. This was a silence no one wanted to break by asking questions. But after several seconds it came to a head when Weiss began drying off her bleeding eye.
"Dare I ask?"
"You may." Willow tried to be magnanimous.
"Running for what?"
"Your new daddy of course." Weiss wanted to throw up but unlike her mother she was a lady and it was below her to make a fool of herself in public, "I mean I've got 4 above average candidates here what's a little competition?"
"Unnecessary- I don't want-" Ironwood was trying to be reasonable too bad Willow was never reasonable.
"Are you sure? The winner gets to be the CEO of the SDC AND to decide what happens to the children! And I mean all of them." Willow fluttered her eyes to the two men she used. Ironwood thought about it for a second as he was tempted... She may be older, but she was also very hot and the addition of more power in the form of the Schnee dust Company was a perk. But he would have to take the last name and there was no way he was going to have the name James Schnee. Neo ran up with a sign.
'I'm included right? I can change Weiss's name to FrostyCunt?' Weiss could barely read it through all the blood in her eye but even the idea Neo could be her new father made her furious.
"Sure. Though FrostyCunt fits Winter better." Winter and Weiss turned to their respective fathers.
"YOU WILL EITHER WIN OR DIE!"
On the other side of the city of Atlas, Cinder was sitting in a bare bones apartment. She was clicking her fingers clearly bored as hell, "WHERE THE FUCK IS NEO!"
So this was a thing. Like I said I'm trying to be funny not tell a good story.
Also the next chapter will be never. Or like a week or two I am not sure.