A/N: I own nothing, and never will. Touhou Project's characters, concepts and locations belong to ZUN and Team Shanghai Alice.

"So, I do not recommend you try going out of the Underworld, if you value any sense of normality and relaxation in this life."

I was in shock. The information overflow broke me little by little, starting with the entirety of the spell card system, and ending with how the local humans were able to defeat legendary youkai thanks to it.

"The thing is, I need food..."

"That's okay, you can go now."

"Really?"

"I trust the feeling that you're barely responsible enough to do that without getting into trouble. Not to insult you, Shizumu-chan."

'That pricked my ego just a bit, but it means she gave me her blessing to do so. I'm new at these non-lethal kinda battles, so I suppose I'll run with whatever I can.'

"Thanks, Hoshiguma-sama, for the lesson. Being in the student's spot for once makes a great experience."

Shizumu let his horn sink in, and two more grew on his forehead.

"I'll be seeing myself out. See you later, Yuugi."

He sprinted for his life, and shook off Hoshiguma in a big crowd. Shuten slowed down, and walked through the streets, looking for the wide bridge Yuugi mentioned.

A blonde haired, green-eyed youkai popped into the Oni's sight.

"Good day to you, mister. My name is Mizuhashi Parsee. Are you looking to cross the bridge?" as the blonde girl spoke, you saw the aforementioned bridge was in front of you the whole time.

"Yes, thank you. Are you the Hashihime which guards the bridge between Gensokyo and the Underground? I am going to cross the bridge, and I would rather not get myself dirty getting in and out."

Poison filled the Hashihime's tongue, and flew out of her mouth as she spoke.

"Well, who the fuck else would ask, you damned Oni? Also, why do YOU get to go all willy-nilly through the bridge, while I have to hand in a dozen pounds of paperwork JUST to buy some booze in the surface!? I'm the bridgekeeper, dammit! Your ass I'm letting you privileged scum go just because you were born better! I challenge you to a spell card duel!"

The bridgekeeper jumped through so many hoops Shizumu thought she was not actually a youkai, but a circus animal instead.

'As Hoshikuma said, people really do start duels over the smallest stuff.'

"I am not familiar with Spell Card Duels. I also do not have any Spell Cards, as I have arrived not long ago, and have not had the time to develop any. Please teach me about these Spell Card Duels."

"Now the sheltered prince acts like he doesn't know about the biggest thing in Gensokyo just after Youkai! Preposterous! Ugh, let me explain it to you..."

While she explained the process to making and using Spell Cards in duels, albeit with a lot of cursing, she used her own as an example.

She handed the little oni a small, bronze-colored tablet, which glowed faintly.

-Jealousy Sign: 「Green-Eyed Monster」- was written in the bottom of the front side.

"These spell cards are just like signature moves you can pull off to a) Declare your identity, and b) Beat your opponent senseless without risk of imminent death. They should be limited to a radius of about 1 chō (~100m/chō) at maximum, also. They must have a certain time limit, and need to be able to be dodged by the opponent. That is why they were made, after all; to give anyone a chance at beating anyone, as long as it was a spell card duel."

As Shuten listened to Parsee, he remembered he had a mental erosion reversal blessing prepared, made from that fairy's faith. He considered not doing the emotional exorcism, in fear he might mess her up even more. The talisman was already on her forehead, though, because he tripped on a rock, and it fell from his hands.

"AAAHHHH!" screamed the youkai.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!"

"I considered getting rid of some overflowing emotion being a better option to living as an envious dick."

'I could have totally said that in a better way.'

As green smoke came out of her, covered the area and faded, the twitching youkai was revealed, laying down on the floor.

"Ahhh... head... hurts..." she mumbled quite pathetically.

The culprit to her current status helped her get up.

"Thank you..." her voice was weak, but much sweeter in comparison to her previous words a couple minutes before.

"Do you have any water...?" she asked.

Shuten gave her a small flask he carried around.

"Thanks. You know, I'm a bit pissed that you went and did that without asking, but there probably wouldn't have been any other way to. So, thank you, again."

"Well, that's why I became a god in the first place. People who don't have the head to even enjoy life are quite sad, after all."

"Wow, you're a god! ...Wait, did you just call me dumb?"

"Whatever must have you heard in order to reach that conclusion?"

"Forget it."

'Another job well done.'

"I shall be crossing the bridge now."

"Hey, we're not done."

She grabbed Shizumu by the shoulder, wrapping her arm around his head and gripping hard.

The small god felt the fury of a pure white maiden slink around him and bind him in place like a boa.

"We were in the middle of a spell card lesson, right?"

He tasted blood in his mouth, as she sat him down to continue for hours, teaching him about the regulations, and she helped in making the oni boy's first spell card, along with a Focus Shot and a Spread Shot.

- Drunken Sign: 「Divine Sake Elixir」-

A crude sake spark which engulfs any bullets in front and erases them. After Parsee wrecked herself trying to find a way to show him how to shape magic, this is the first thing Shuten made.

-Focus Shot: Exploding Talisman-

Blessing talismans overloaded with faith which explode on contact.

-Spread Shot: Air Waves-

Shizumu punches the air with excessive force, making it rush in whatever direction he punches and hit whatever it crashes into.

At the sight of the pale yellow-coloured spell card, the disappointment Parsee felt would have turned her into a Youkai once more if it weren't for the talismans Shuten held. Who knew her student was such a drunkard? Well, she should've expected it, as he was, quite obviously, an oni. The Shot options were not exactly her idea of refined, but they were more than enough.

"Thank you, Mizuhashi-sensei. Let us start the fight, as my lack of Spell Cards no longer impedes it."

"Let us proceed, then."