Despair … or how to disappear completely. Chapter 3.
A/N
Arrrggghhh can't get the writing monkey off my back.
For clarification, this story is about dissociation. Bell is in a Fugue state, he does not remember who he is.
Opening song for this chapter: Pink Floyd Wearing the inside out.
Some instinct made Bell stand and begin to walk. There was no rationality behind the behaviour, just a desperate desire to get away. To not be … here.
He stumbled a few times as he stood. His vision a blur, his ears full of white noise.
There was no thought. Just one phrase repeating itself over and over again.
"What the hell is wrong with you, you monster loving freak?"
Bell's face twitched every he heard those words.
'From morning to night, I stayed out of sight.'
People looked like vague shadows, he kept walking.
'Didn't recognize I'd become.'
Some women tried talking to him. He saw her lips move but heard nothing.
'No more than alive. I'd barely survive.'
'In a word, overrun.'
"What the hell is wrong with you, you monster loving freak?"
'Won't hear a sound.'
'From my mouth.'
Bell stared through her for a second, before continuing forwards, ignoring everything around him.
'I've spent too long'
'On the inside out.'
Someone shouted at him after he had accidentally walked into them.
'My skin is cold'
'To the human touch.'
'This bleeding hearts'
'Not beating much.'
But Bell didn't react, just bounced off the person and kept walking.
'I murmured a vow of silence and now'
'I don't even hear when I think aloud'
'Extinguished by light I turn on the night'
'Wear it's darkness with an empty smile.'
The streets got poorer and poorer as Bell walked. Having no rational thought, he didn't notice, he just needed to keep walking. Clean streets turned to dirty garbage filled ones. Flagstones changed to cobbles, cobbles to simple dirt streets with no paving.
'I'm creeping back to life'
'My nervous system all awry'
'I'm wearing the inside out'
Eventually, his legs grew tired. His body demanded rest. In a dark back alley deep in the pleasure quarter, he sat and leaned back against a wall, staring at nothing.
"What the hell is wrong with you, you monster loving freak?"
Julie was a prostitute. She didn't want to be, it was just how life had played out for her. It seemed to her that she had drawn the short straw at every moment of her life.
She hardly remembered her childhood any more. She was an elf, born in the Wishe forest. She couldn't remember what her parents looked like.
Pretty, with long braided blonde hair. She had been abducted by bandits when she was twelve years old. They had taken her to Orario and she had been sold in the underground slave market.
She'd been optimistic to start with. The bandits had told her she would probably end up being someone's maid. Her luck couldn't have been worse. The man who had purchased her was a sadist. He wanted someone to take out his anger and frustration on.
He hated her beauty, so he had clipped her ears, deforming her for life.
She had tried to run away several times. He had broken her leg, then forcefully healed it with a potion. Her left leg was twisted as a result, she couldn't run any more and walked with a noticeable limp.
One day, she had finally had enough of the daily beatings and rape. She had snapped and slit his throat while he slept.
But that had left her with nothing. No one wanted to hire a deformed elf and there was certainly no way she could become an adventurer.
So, she had little choice, but to enter the world of prostitution. Even that had been a struggle, with her clipped ears and her twisted leg. The worst part of it was that there were clients who liked that sort of thing. She ended up working in a brothel with other girls like her. Some had missing limbs; others were terribly scarred.
She had, of course fallen into the world of addiction as a result. Opium was her drug of choice, as it was with many of the girls in the brothel.
It was perfect. Nothing seemed to matter when she was high. Everything was fine. Not only did in numb her emotional pain, it made real pain… insignificant. When your high, you do feel pain, but it's like… It's not important. Your aware you feel pain, but the pain is… over there… almost disconnected from you.
It made things much easier to cope with after a more aggressive client.
She was walking back to the brothel from her dealer, having just picked up her fix for the night, she took a short cut and stepped into the alley where Bell currently sat, staring at the wall.
She gave him a glance over. Her years working the streets had taught her how to assess a client.
He looked like he'd been in one hell of a fight. His face was bruised and bloody. Blood and filth stained his hair so much she couldn't tell its natural colour. The armour he wore was scratched and dented in places, though she noted it was very well made, custom fit too. He didn't look poor. What was he doing in this part of town, this beaten up?
There was a red knife strapped to his belt.
"Hey."
She squatted down in front of him.
"That's not a good look." She thought to herself as she looked at his face.
"Are you OK?" She tilted her head to one side.
But the young man hadn't even noticed she was there. It was like he was staring through her.
She waved her hand up and down in front of his eyes. He didn't even blink.
She frowned for a moment. What had happened to him?
Oh well. He wasn't her problem.
She reached down to his side and started searching through the pouches strapped to his belt. He made no move to stop her.
A couple of potions, a penknife, whetstone… Ahhh his money pouch. Perfect.
She opened the money pouch and gave it a quick glance over. Jackpot!
There was enough that she could take a month off and not have to work!
She slipped the money into her pocket, then looked at him again with a smile.
"Thank you, young man. This will keep me fed for a month."
Still no reaction at all. Was he really just going to sit there and let her rob him?
'Look at him now'
'He's paler somehow'
She didn't know quite why she did what she did next. Perhaps it was guilt. Perhaps it was her mothering instinct.
Perhaps, it was because she saw those same dead eyes as she saw in the mirror.
She grabbed his hand and pulled him upright. He didn't resist in the slightest. He was like a doll whose strings had been cut.
"You're coming with me."
'But he's coming round'
'He's starting to choke'
'It's been so long since he spoke'
'Well he can have the words right from my mouth'
Julie led him through the streets and back alleys of the pleasure district. It was a cold evening and the rain was coming down hard. As a result, most of the brothels had closed early. There would be very few customers on a night like this.
"Welcome back Julie!" Rose said with a smile as Julie stepped through the door with Bell. "Lucky to find a customer on a night like this!"
Julie smiled and shook her head. She never understood how the amazon girl was so cheerful all the time. She had lost both legs in the dungeon and was confined to a wheelchair. Very few men were interested in her as a result, so she acted like a manager or mother hen for the dingy little brothel.
"He's not a customer." Julie replied. "I found him sitting in a back alley. I think he's broken; I couldn't just leave him there. He just sat there and let me steal from him!"
"And well… when I saw the look in his eyes."
She looked at Bell, who was just standing there, staring off into the distance, not seeing anything around him.
Rose took a good look at him.
"Gods… It's like he doesn't have a soul."
"What are you going to do with him?"
"Well, clean him up to start with, he stinks. Then… Well, looking at him, it's like something traumatic happened. So… A little narcotic therapy I think is in order."
She led Bell to the shared bathroom on the second floor, sat him on a bath stool and started to strip his clothes and armour.
He just sat passively, still not responding if she tried to get his attention. He seemed to listen though; she wasn't sure if she was getting through to him at all, but he didn't resist when she lifted his arms to pull his shirt over his head.
He didn't even blink as she pulled down his underwear.
"Wow." She said quietly as he stood their fully naked. His body was young, but very well developed. His muscles prominent, hard like iron. His shoulders broad, pecs and ab's chiselled to perfection.
Downstairs was certainly something to write home about, she thought to herself as well as noticing his natural white hair colour.
She lost count of the number of scars she saw as she wiped down his body with a sponge. He was an adventurer for sure and looking at his body, quite an experienced one.
She began to wonder even more. What had happened to this young man? He was obviously experienced. Had faced death and danger many times before. What could possibly have happened to put him in such a broken state?
"There… doesn't that feel better?" She asked as she rinsed his hair for the final time and dried him off.
She put his clothes in the laundry basket before fetching a spare dressing gown from the closet. It was pink, with mugs of tea embroidered on the pocket.
"Come on. Let's go join the others."
Bell just sat on the bath stool in his pink dressing gown, staring at nothing.
She grasped his hand and led him back down the stairs to the back of the brothel. Here were a series of sofa's set around tables. It was somewhere where customers could sit and relax before choosing a girl and retiring to her room.
As it was a quiet night, most of the girls had gone to sleep. Only Rose and Sakura were still up. Sakura had been a beauty once; she was a ginger Renard from the middle east. Slim and pale with subtle freckles, she had a perfect body. However, a jealous love rival had hated her so much, she had thrown caustic acid in her face. Sakura had hideous burns down one half of her face and upper body. She wore an eyepatch to cover the pale white blind eye she had. Much like Hephaestus, her eyepatch covered most of her face to hide her scars.
"Who's this?" She asked as Julie and Bell entered the room.
"I don't think even he knows who he is." Julie answered as she sat Bell down on one of the sofas.
A/N Song: Pink Floyd – Comfortably Numb
Sakura waved her hand in front of his face, but Bell didn't respond.
'Hello'
'Is there anybody in there?'
'Just nod if you can hear me.'
'Is there anyone home?'
"What should we call him?" Rose asked.
"He's cute… like a rabbit." Sakura replied. "Perhaps Usagi?"
"Well, we have to call him something. Usagi it is."
'Come on now.'
'I hear your feeling down.'
'Well, I can ease your pain'
'And get you on your feet again.'
Rose sniffed. "He smells much better now he's clean."
"He's actually quite adorable. Look at that lovely white hair." Sakura started stroking his head.
"Keep an eye on him, I'm going to get him something to eat."
'Relax'
'I need some information first.'
'Just the basic facts.'
'Can you show me where it hurts?'
"Hey. Usagi. Anyone in there?" Sakura caressed his cheek, but Bell just sat as passive as ever, as if he didn't even see her.
'There is no pain, you are receding'
'A distant ship's smoke on the horizon'
'You are only coming through in waves'
'Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying'
Julie quickly returned with a tray holding four mugs of beer and a plate of sandwich's for Bell.
She passed out the drinks while asking "Has he said anything?"
"Nothing." Rose replied.
'When I was a child, I had a fever'
'My hands felt just like two balloons'
'Now I have the feeling once again'
'I can't explain, you would not understand'
'This is not how I am'
'I have become comfortably numb'
Julie took a mug and raised it to Bell's lips, encouraging him to drink. But still, he didn't react.
"Hmmmph."
"Usagi, you will die if you don't eat or drink. Do you want to die?"
Nothing.
She picked up the opium pipe that was sitting on the table, quickly getting her stash from her pocket, she packed the pipe and lit it.
Drawing the smoke into her lungs, she relaxed back with a deep content sigh, a happy smile on her face, breathing the smoke out through her nose.
"Oh yeah…. That's the good shit."
"Come here Usagi." She called waving her hand to come to her.
Again, passive Bell didn't respond.
"Let's wake you up Usagi."
She sucked on the pipe for a second, before pinching Bell's nose shut.
He opened his mouth by reflex to keep breathing. She leant forward and kissed him, pushing the smoke into his mouth. He took the smoke into his lungs without meaning too, then coughed a few times.
"Now give it about fifteen seconds…" Rose said watching him closely.
The three girls watched him intently.
His bloodstream was quickly flooded with the variety of chemicals that make up opium.
A few moments later, his mind started to relax as the powerful drug rushed through his brain.
"FuFufu." He gave a little giggle.
Then a deep shuddering sigh as his mind finally relaxed.
He shut his eyes contentedly.
"This feels nice…"
"Back with us now Usagi?" Julie asked.
"Hmmm?" Bell turned his head with a slightly dreamy smile and looked at her.
"Are you OK?"
Bell tried to focus, but the opium was making him feel warm and content. Like he was wrapped up in a pink fluffy blanket of love.
He'd never felt so good in his life.
He nodded at the girl.
"Yes. I feel good."
"Do you remember what happened to you?" Julie asked with a tilt of her head.
"Did… did something happen? I don't remember."
Bell furrowed his brow. He was very confused, nothing seemed to make much sense.
The girl took another puff on the pipe, then offered it to him.
"What is it?" He asked. Tilting his head, feeling in a dreamy state.
"It's what's making you feel good. You feel all warm and content, don't you?"
Bell nodded.
"So… Take another hit."
She sucked on the pipe, opened her mouth to show the smoke swirling around, then breathed it in. Bell watched as he saw her suck the smoke into her throat.
"Like that." She said, blowing out the smoke, offering him the pipe again.
He took it and wiped the end piece off with his sleeve, before placing the tip in his mouth and taking a hit.
"Ha ha ha!" Sakura laughed at him. "You cleaned it! You actually cleaned it!
Bell look at her, confused.
"It wouldn't be right to take a second-hand kiss from a girl I just met."
"Oh, my days! Aren't you ADORABLE!"
"You should see him naked." Julie responded with a grin.
"Here." Julie passed him a mug of beer. "Have a drink and something to eat. You look like you need it."
Bell suddenly realised she was right. He couldn't remember when he had last ate and drank. Well, he couldn't remember anything much, but that didn't seem important right now.
"So, you're an adventurer, right? What's your name? What Familia are you with?" Rose asked in her cheerful manner.
"I…"
Bell furrowed his brow. Thinking was hard.
He shook his head, confused.
"I … I don't know."
"Then just relax. Have a drink. Have something to eat. Smoke some more. Just relax Usagi. Whatever you have been through… it's exhausted you. Let's get a good night's sleep and see if you feel better in the morning? OK?"
Bell nodded.
"Thank you."
He picked up the beer and took a sip, only for his thirst to overwhelm him. He had walked for a day solid before Julie found him. He quickly finished the entire pint, placing the mug back down with a happy sigh.
"Someone was thirsty! Want another?" Rose asked cheerfully.
"Yes please." Bell smiled at her, which took her breath away.
"Wow a smile that can make a whore blush!" Sakura laughed and clapped, as she saw Rose blush and look away from Bell.
Bell frowned.
"That's not a nice thing to say."
Julie laughed at him.
"But it's true Usagi. We are all prostitutes."
"OH! I'm sorry!" Bell apologised. No one knew why.
"Here." Rose passed him another pint of beer.
"Thank you." He said politely and started drinking, though sipping his pint this time.
"Um…" He said after a second.
"So who are all of you?"
"Well.." Julie started speaking. "This is Rose's brothel. It's a place for…" She sighed for a moment. "Alternative girls." She said discretely.
Bell nodded.
"I'm Julie!" She smiled, then before Bell could react, kissed him on the lips.
"I'm your beloved saviour!"
Bell, scarlet faced stammered "S-s-s-saviour?"
"Yes! Usagi! You were sitting in an alley waiting to die!"
"Ah ha ha ha!" Bell laughed. He was wasted out of his mind. Wow he felt so good. He actually shivered in pleasure for a moment… nothing felt this good. It was like his brain was being hugged by this warm fluffy pink embrace of love.
Nothing ever had felt this good.
"And you?" Bell turned to Rose, the second person he had met.
"I'm Rose honey."
She rolled her wheelchair forwards and leant towards him, kissing him on either cheek.
"And any time you wanna share my bed, just hollar." She gave him a wink.
Bell instantly blushed and turned away.
"I… I…"
It didn't do to turn a lady down like that. He knew he had to be polite.
He bowed awkwardly.
"ThankYouVeryMuch!" Bell spouted, his face scarlet.
"Oh.. My… Gods…" Sakura brought her hand up to her mouth.
"Usagi… are you a virgin perhaps?"
"I…" Bell didn't know how to respond. He couldn't remember anything and he was confused about everything!
"Usagi?" Julie asked gently.
She ran her hand up his thigh, Bell was only wearing the pink dressing gown, he was vulnerable.
"EEEP!"
Bell yelped like a little girl and leapt back.
"OH!"
Julie gasped in pleasure.
"He's mine! I found him!" She shouted and glanced violently at the rest of the girls.
Rose rolled her eyes and pouted.
"Oh no…" Sakura replied.
"So Usagi…"
She reached out and stroked his cheek.
"Who do you think is prettier? Me or Julie?"
Bell blushed again.
"I think your both very pretty.. In different ways.." Bell stuttered out.
"Oh, who's a slippery weasel now?" Sakura smiled at him.
She leant in close.
"I know about boys like you." She whispered in his ear.
"Clever boys…" She sucked on his earlobe for a moment.
Bell leapt back with a squeak. Oh gods, that felt so good!
"Fu Fu Fu". Sakura giggled at him.
"Oh you are so much fun Usagi!"
"SAKURA!" Julie shouted.
Sakura pretended to pout for a moment.
"Alright, alright, you found him, fair enough."
"But still, you can share him later right?"
"Of course." Julie winked at the girls. "He's a strong boy. I bet he's got a lot of stamina."
Rose smirked at her, while Sakura just rolled her eyes. Rose sat back and relaxed for a second as Julie passed her the opium pipe. She took a puff, then passed it to Sakura, before sitting back and relaxing for a second.
"You don't need to be scared of us Usagi." Julie said. "Sit back down." She patted the spot next to her, encouraging Bell, who was currently standing in the corner of the room and slightly shivering.
Rose picked up a tray from the table and started rolling a joint.
"I'm sorry." Bell said quietly as he sat back down and looked at the floor.
"Usagi…" Julie said gently as she took one of his hands in hers.
"Are you innocent?"
"I…" Bell didn't know how to answer, he couldn't remember anything.
He shut his eyes for a second and tried to think.
Nothing made sense in his head. Everything was just this vague blur.
"I think so?" He asked, more of a confused question than an answer.
Sakura was watching him intently.
"Perhaps a little coke to sharpen him up?"
Julie smiled. "Yeah… Good idea! We might be up for a few hours yet. Perfect."
"Well the guild said the rain and cold would carry on for the next few days. It's not like we need to be up tomorrow. There won't be any johns about." Rose said as she finished the joint she was rolling and sparked it. She took a deep drag and blew out. A new smell filled the room, one Bell hadn't smelled before.
"That smells nice." He said without thinking.
Rose smiled at him and raised an eyebrow.
"Wanna try?" She asked, taking a puff, then blowing smoke rings out of her mouth.
Bell watched in fascination. There was no breeze in the room, so the smoke rings just drifted gently out of her mouth.
Bell's first thought was just how damn incredibly sexy this was. Rose was turning him on.
She took another puff and blew smoke again, right in his face.
"Here."
She held up the joint, offering it too him.
He took it between his fingers and looked at it, blue smoke twirled from the glowing orange tip.
"Like the pipe, exactly the same." Julie smiled at him.
Bell placed the joint at his lips and sucked in, feeling the smoke enter his mouth.
He pulled the joint away and breathed in.
Instantly he coughed. He coughed hard over and over again.
After a moment, he took a second to recover his breath, before he noticed all the girls were laughing at him.
"Sorry…. Fu fu…" Rose giggled. "I should have warned you. Joints make you cough until your used to them. Even then, if the weed is good, it makes you cough."
She looked him in the eyes, then glanced at Sakura, glancing back at him again. Bell understood the subtle message. Pass the joint.
"Thank you." Sakura said as she took the joint from his fingers. She took a puff, then placed it down in an ashtray.
Then, Bell was confused what she was doing for a second. She had been doing something on a little mirror on the table. Bell was far too out of it to be paying attention. His mind wandered all over the place. He felt like he was in a fluffy blanket of warm pink love due to the opium. The weed had relaxed him on another level. Paying attention was rather difficult right now, but god damn, did he feel good.
He smiled contentedly for a moment and closed his eyes, relaxing into the warm bubble bath of the mind that is getting high.
"Huh?" He asked as he suddenly heard a weird noise and opened his eyes.
Sakura was offering the little mirror and a straw to Rose.
Rose took them with a smile and a thanks.
She put the mirror down on the table, put the straw in her nose, and to Bell's surprise, leant down and snorted a line of white powder from the mirror.
Bell had never seen anything like it.
"YEAH!" Rose shouted. "TOP OF THE WORLD MA!"
Bell blinked and shook his head.
Everyone had been so relaxed…
What was going on?
"Your turn Usagi." Julie said, taking the mirror that had two white lines of cocaine left on it and passing him the straw.
Bell looked at her for a second. She was smiling at him with confidence.
"Okay."
Bell put the mirror down on the table in front of him and put the straw in his nose.
Sealing the other nostril with his finger, he made sure the straw was tightly sealed in his other, just like the girls had done.
Leaning down, he chased he line of coke, drawing it deep into his lungs.
He sat back for a second. Once again the girls watched him intently.
…
Bell twitched.
"WOW!" He exclaimed as the coke rush hit his brain.
"Haaa…" he let out a passionate breath.
It was almost like an orgasm. He blushed slightly at the thought. Bell was fourteen after all, masturbation was a daily thing.
Julie smiled at him, before picking up the mirror and snorting her own line.
"Wow!" Bell muttered, stoned out of his god damn mind. Opium, weed, coke, booze. Bell had a bunch of different drugs running through his mind right now.
The opium felt so good… nothing felt like this, this warm fluffy blanket of love wrapped around him.
The weed made him feel chilled. There was some paranoia, but the opium quickly countered it. The booze made him feel loose and wanting to talk. The coke amplified that! The coke made Bell want to shout his achievements from the rooftop… but right now, he couldn't remember what they were.
Still. Giving cocaine to Bell Cranel… Well… He was a pussy slayer already, without even trying. Coke the guy up and give him confidence…
Mothers… Lock up your daughters.
He took another sip of his beer.
Looking up at Julie, he suddenly said "Your very pretty." as he cupped her cheek.
"Oh" Julie said, utterly embarrassed, flinching away from Bell's hand. Her ears had been clipped, her leg broken and twisted. Bell had meant well, and he had spoken from the heart, but it hurt her. She didn't feel she was pretty. She saw it every day. Her ugliness. Her snipped short ears, cursing her. Her twisted leg… Her dead eyes in the mirror.
Julie didn't think she could ever be pretty.
"Please don't say that." She said quietly, looking away from Bell.
"Why?" Bell couldn't understand. What kind of girl didn't want to be told she was pretty?
Julie shuddered as she tried to hold in a sob.
Bell embraced her.
"Julie." He said quietly into her ear.
"You are a beautiful person. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
"Ahhh…." Julie sobbed. "Ahhhh…." … "U..U..Usagi!"…
"But it's true Julie." Bell didn't understand why she was crying into his shoulder right now.
"Julie…" He tried not to sob as he spoke back to her, stroking her hair gently. "You saved me."
"You're..." He sucked in is breath. Something about what he was about to say meant something deep within him. He didn't know what it was, but he felt it.
"You're my hero…"
"Julie… An ugly person doesn' t save somone."
"Only beautiful people do."
"Beautiful people like you."
He gently stroked her cheek.
"To me…" He looked away and blushed. "To me…"
"Your the most beautiful girl in the world." Bell gave her an honest smile.
Julie could only look away and cry.