Three

Four years ago

"So I have news," the doctor smiles at me from his desk, "probably not the kind you are expecting."

Anxiously I shoot Edward a look beside me, turning back to the doctor. Edward had been supportive since I told him about the pregnancy. He'd offered to come today and I appreciated it. I think he could see through the mask and see just how scared I really am.

"It's twins," he says.

"What?" Edward's mouth drops.

"Two babies?" I rest my hand on my stomach.

"They're growing beautifully and I'm happy. But twins are always a risk. Take it easy," the doctor says, "we'll see you in a few weeks for another check up. We'll likely be able to tell the gender then too."

One baby was enough to make me want to send Edward to save himself. Two only furthered my point.

I expect to see anger, hurt or devastation on his face. But instead there's wonder. He looks to me smiling as we exit the doctors office.

"I can't believe this," he smiles moving close to me, pressing his hand to my stomach.

"Yeah," I nod awkwardly, "double the pain. I'm definitely having an epidural."

He laughs looking up into my eyes, hurt that I put there still visible. We'd broken up weeks ago and he hadn't stopped trying to change my mind. He'd almost been successful. But I knew I had to sacrifice this. He would hold back from his future for me and I couldn't let that happen. Not when he had worked so hard. An abortion wasn't an option or adoption either. I already loved them too much.

"You could come with me," he says suddenly, "work trips. You could have holidays and memories with them. When I'm done with the suits and ties I can come and bury my feet in sand or snow too."

"Edward," I push his hand off me sighing, "no. You know I can't lug two babies around the world after you. You'd also never focus. I'm doing this for you."

"I'm not asking you to," he grabs my arm pulling me to him, "I want to be with you. I can make this work. You're not even letting me try."

I'm terrified. I know that is why I'm likely pushing him away. But to have him resent me in 10 years time for holding him back isn't something I could risk. Having him as a friend who still got to spread his wings would be enough. It would have to be.

Besides I can always love him from afar.

Now.

"Mummy," Bree squeals with laughter pointing at the TV.

I had thrown on Finding Nemo while I responded to a bride's request for flowers. Lately I was taking on the store's weddings. It was enjoyable. I loved bringing joy through flowers.It was something I was good at besides being a mother. Perhaps someday I'd find the courage to start my own business.

"It's funny isn't it," I look down at her content by her laughter.

My phone buzzes from the coffee table and I lean forward to pick it up.

"You're suppose to be sick so don't squeal while I'm speaking to your daddy," I poke her chubby thigh before answering.

"Hey," I say, "you're all there safely?"

"We are," his voice still smooths out every crease in me, "your son may have… Tanya might have ignored the apple juice warning."

"What? Edward I was so clear," I sigh.

"I know. He is upset and won't settle until he speaks to you," he sounds exhausted.

"Put him on," I demand.

"Gage," Edward says into the background.

I hear the phone transfer and my son sniffle.

"Mummy can you come get me?" He asks.

"Buddy," Edward sighs, "don't be like that."

"What happened, Gage?" I ignore Edward.

"Dad's friend is a bum face," Gage spits out.

I hold down my laughter and boy is it a struggle to not burst into a fit.

"Oh baby. That's not nice to say at all," I say, "I can't come get you. You're so far away. It's an hour and a half drive to the lake."

I'll never forget Edward's pride in purchasing it. He'd come in one day as I was balancing both of our babies on my hips, hair a mess, both of my babies teething. His grin was adorable as he held up a photo of a large cabin.

He'd told me he wanted to teach them to fish, to go boating and swimming, to play monopoly around a camp fire. He wanted to be that kind of Dad where he could. Not just the dad they never see because of his job.

Granted how busy Edward's work was he never failed to make time for them. They saw him enough to never yearn after him. They loved him to bits.

"But you have a car," Gage whines, beginning to get upset again, "please mummy."

My heart breaks.

"I won't be able to get there for a little bit," I say.

"Please," he begs again.

"Fine," I sigh looking down at Brielle, "we'll be there soon."

Edward's voice comes through the phone.

"I can make it work," he sounds upset, "You don't need to come all the way here. We can come home to you. I just don't… Bells I just… I'm failing and I…"

"No fucking way," a woman's voice cries through the background, "Edward he's spilt juice all over my Gucci dress."

"Tell your freak whore to not swear around my son. I'll be there in an hour," I say, hanging up.

Wait till I get my hands on her.

By the time I get to the cabin Bree is asleep in the back seat clutching her iPad, the second Finding Nemo still playing quietly.

Edward walks out to the driveway, hand rubbing the back of his neck. He's stressed. I'd know this posture from anywhere.

"Hey," he says as I step out of the car, closing my door quietly, "he managed to go down about fifteen minutes ago."

"He'll be a little asshole tomorrow," I cross my arms, wrapping my jacket tighter around me, "you okay?"

His face looks torn. He's sullen, quiet. He can't quite meet my eyes.

"Edward this isn't your fault," I place my hand on his arm, "giving him apple juice isn't the end of the world. It's all part of parenting."

"I just feel like I'm failing them," he runs a hand through his hair.

What I'd give to do that again.

"I feel like I'm failing daily. But they're happy, they're fed and they're healthy. They go to bed each night loved and that's a win," I say, "he just missed me and not having his sister would have made him feel out of his depth."

"I know," he looks down at me, "I just wish it came as naturally to me as it does you."

"Hey. You're dad. You're meant to be the fun one who has no idea how it works. I'm mum, the one with the rules," I smile, "they love you to pieces. They're proud of their daddy. You're their hero."

Edward nods. While I know he has listened to me, I know he believes virtually none of what I've said.

"You want to stay?" Edward motions inside.

"With you and Tanya? I'll pass," I turn back to the car to check on Bree.

Still sleeping.

"She left. Well I made her leave," he shrugs,"she said she'd call me but I think I'll ignore that. I can't have my kids around someone that hates kids."

"Maybe next time we do it together. That way they'll feel like they're not backstabbing one of us," I turn to him, "she told Brielle she was replacing me as her mother. Which is why your four year old faked being sick this morning."

He chuckles shaking his head.

"She's smarter than both of us combined. You know that's not true right? No one could ever replace you," Edward leans in toward me, "you're irreplaceable. You hold us all up without even trying. You sacrifice daily for us. You leave me in awe. I'm sorry I didn't check with you first. I just... I need to try and move on from you."

I watch him shocked for a second. Move on from me?

"You're within every right to find the right woman," I pull on my passenger door to get Bree out.

"I'm lonely," he admits suddenly, "I go to work and come home to an empty house. When I have the kids I sit alone watching tv once they're in bed."

Me too.

"What's the big fancy career without someone to share life with," he smiles at me sadly, "that's why I bought this place. I'm missing that last thing. Maybe that's why I saw Tanya… but she was never the opportunity I needed."

How I wish I was good enough to be the one he could share it all with.

"Let's put her to bed. I'll pour us some tea," Edward says, "you can stay tonight."

"Thanks," I nod, letting him take our daughter into his arms.

I follow him into the house praying I can make it through the night with close proximity for such a long period of time.

Thanks for reading.