A/N: Takes place after Ava leaves in 4x14. The title is from the song Butter Flutter (Jupiter Calling, the Corrs)
How dare he say that to her?
Ava reflects on Connor's words as she walks to the bus stop. It hurt her to the core. So far, those are the most hurtful words that he has told her. He had accused her of sleeping with his father because the man told his son that she seduced him and was the instigator and it didn't matter to her. She could cope with that. Only when he said he doesn't believe her did the pain hit her. And now, he says she needs help. How dare he say she needs help? He had taken her words against her yet again.
Earlier in the day, he found her in the Emergency Department's Doctors' Lounge, having her morning coffee. She didn't have scheduled surgeries anyway because of the ART she's taking. He apologised again for the knife incident and she assured him again that it wasn't his fault, that it was actually hers. Lanik was there and was most likely listening so he took her aside to apologise that he hadn't checked-in on her for the past few days. That's when Gwen Garrett decided to show and tell them about Sean Corcoran, the shooting patient Jay Halstead interviewed with his abdomen open. He died a few hours later, with Ava trying to revive him. The COO told them somebody filed an anonymous complaint when she asked. They would be questioned by an oversight committee because of that incident and if proven wrong, Connor would face the peer review board. She worried that he might lose his licence.
When they went up the executive floor, she was called in first. In front of the committee, she explained everything that had happened: Jay taking Connor aside in his Hybrid OR to tell him that he needed to interview Corcoran, that he needed to do this because Will was in trouble, the moment Corcoran was in the ICU, them lightening the sedation, and Jay interviewing him. She told the committee everything she remembers on that day. She told them that Connor was of sound mind to do it, for the safety of Will Halstead. She told them everything they needed to know; she doesn't want Connor to lose his medical licence. But when Connor's turn was over he got mad at her because of it. She told him she did it for him; she would do anything for him.
After shift was over, she found Connor at one of the hospital's entrances, near the foyer. She came over to check on him but he accused her of being the one who filed the complaint since she was the only one in the Hybrid OR who might do so, like a pyromaniac that sets a fire just to put it out. Those were his exact words. Everything that happened to her, she did on purpose. Even risking getting infected with a disease that would lead to a more serious one that is incurable. To keep him tied to her, he said. She got mad because she defended him to the committee. That was when he used her words against her again – that she would do anything for him - and told her that she needed help. She was mortified and hurt so she told him that he was the one who needed help instead. Then she walked away from him.
She tries not to cry in this chilly Chicago night. People may ask her if she's alright if she does. She's still in public, damn it. When the bus arrives, she gets in quickly so as not to make people notice her and sits all the way at the back. She desperately needs to calm her nerves right now, to feel the satisfactory pain. She alights quickly, too, when the bus reaches her stop and practically runs to her apartment building. Her hands are shaking so she fumbles with her keys when she reaches her door. And the moment she enters her apartment, she just throws her backpack on the sofa and goes to the bathroom. She undresses and gets in the shower, leaving her clothes on the floor.
Ava will do anything for him. Her mind flashes back again to the restaurant. It was just supposed to be dinner to discuss the ED Hybrid OR. She was supposed to go to Connor's going away party. She didn't even know why she was doing this although Ms Goodwin said that it would be a shame if they lose this project. The kind woman was the only one who knew where she was. But what was supposed to be just a business dinner turned out to be a nightmare, a flint that ignited the wick of previous scars, the flames which fizzled when Connor was with her.
She doesn't realise that she's crying. She reaches for the razor blade and draws on her thighs again, reopening wounds that she realises Connor never even noticed.
What do you think the title means? And reviews are welcome.