She didn't see Nick again for a week.

The refugee center moved him to another location and no one would tell her where it was. She tried to explain that he was family. She threatened legal action. Nothing worked. It didn't help that her nightmares somehow got worse. Now instead of him hanging on the wall she saw him behind bars, starving and too still. She saw him being beaten and tortured for information about his time in Gilead. She saw him bleeding, dying in front of her.

Luke didn't say much about it, but she knew he was glad Nick wasn't so close. He still treated Holly the same. And she was grateful for that. But it annoyed her, the way he would watch the baby now. As if she was something foreign. So June spent more time out of the apartment. She took Hannah and Holly to the park more. They had sleepovers with Moira. It was exhausting.

So June was more than a little anxious and excited when she got a call to come to the refugee center. She left Holly and Hannah with Moira and drove a respectable speed (she couldn't afford a ticket) to the center. The receptionist, Will, greeted her. They had gotten to know each other a little bit over the past week. Especially since he was always the one telling her he couldn't give her any information about Nick.

Will led her into a small conference room at the end of the hall. She had seen it briefly once or twice, but never paid much attention to it. Her mind was always occupied with more important things. Not today, though. Will stepped aside so that June could go in. Nick was seated on the right side of the long table, two guards standing behind him. Two men in suits sat across the table from him, bored expressions on their faces. And in the corner were two women in almost identical matching power suits talking about something- their eyes darting over to Nick every few seconds.

"Mrs. Bankole, please come in."

June turned in the direction of the person speaking. One of the men at the table was watching her, a friendly smile on his face. She had stopped trusting 'friendly' a long time ago. Her eyes went to Nick, trying to figure out what was happening, but he kept his eyes on the table. Stepping inside, June edged along the table until she was a few seats away from Nick. One of the guards stepped forward and blocked her from getting closer.

"Its fine, Jameson. I don't think he'll try anything."

June bit her lip to keep from saying something stupid. She didn't know what this was about, but she wasn't going to risk getting Nick in trouble. Jameson stepped aside to let her pass and June might have sent a smug smirk his way as she sat in the seat next to Nick's. His hands were resting on his lap, and he looked so relaxed that June almost didn't notice the handcuffs. She slid her chair closer and let her left hand rest over his.

"Mrs. Bankole, we have asked you to be here because there was no one else we could call as a character witness for Mr. Blaine." It was the same man who had been talking so far. June wondered if the other people in the room were just to make this look more intimidating. "Before we get started here, I'd like to introduce everyone. My name if Carl Evans, I'm the legal counsel for Mr. Blaine." Then he gestured to the man next to him. "This is John Rowe, he's opposing counsel. Then we have Rachel Allen and Emma Grant, who are judges for Canada and the United States, respectively." The women each nodded when their names were called.

It didn't make any sense. Was this a trial? An arraignment? Were they going to decide Nick's fate here, today? Something must have given away her inner thoughts, because Nick gave a reassuring squeeze to her hand. It reminded her to breathe properly.

"Mrs. Bankole, can you describe your relationship to Mr. Blaine?"

That was a loaded question. She had no clue how to describe her and Nick- what they were to each other. Everything about them was messy and hard and dangerous. It was silence so loud your ears rang. It was warmth so intense it made you cold. It was crying and laughing and falling apart and mending each other. It was everything and nothing all at once.

How do you explain that?

June looked at Nick- the way his head was down, but his eyes were watching her. "Nick was the driver at the house I was posted to as a Handmaid." Start simple. Facts first. "Handmaid's aren't allowed to interact with men- it's a punishable offense. But he would tell me jokes sometimes, if we happened to cross paths during the day- when no one else was around." 'You should definitely avoid the tuna.' June ducked her head to hide a smile.

"And was that the extent of your acquaintance?"

Her mind went to the first night she climbed the stairs to his apartment. "No. Mrs. Waterford, our Commander's wife, realized that her husband was sterile. That word is illegal in reference to men, by the way." She watched as that settled on the women in the room. "Um, yeah, so she decided that it would be best to have me try with someone else. She chose Nick, because she could…" she couldn't say trust- it hadn't been trust, it had been control. She could control Nick. "…she could make sure it happened the way she wanted it to."

Opposing counsel, John whatever, jumped in. "Do you mean that Mr. Blaine forced himself on you at her request?"

Nick slid his hand from hers. Which probably had an influence on the glare she sent the little man when she said, "No." These people hadn't been there. They didn't get to make assumptions like that. "Nick didn't have a choice either. To disobey could get you beaten, or killed. No one would question the Commander's wife."

Carl spoke up then. "Did the relationship between you and Mr. Blaine progress after this…encounter?"

"He looked out for me. He made sure that I was okay. Rita, our Martha, wasn't always the friendliest. I think he just wanted me to know I wasn't alone in that house."

"And is that true, Mr. Blaine?"

Nick raised his head to look at Carl, "Yes, sir."

"And based on what you have told the receptionist, Mrs. Bankole, your daughter Holly was fathered by Mr. Blaine?" June couldn't quite bite back her smile as she nodded. And the soft look Nick gave her reminded her why he couldn't get locked up or sent back to Gilead. Holly deserved to know how much her dad loved her.

"Can you describe how you and your daughters escaped Gilead?"

Her heart was pounding so loud she couldn't hear anything else. She was crammed in the hidden compartment under the back seat. Her muscles ached and her bones were protesting how long she had been folded like this.

They were at another checkpoint. And each one sent her into a panic. What if they decided to check the car? What it they realized that the seats were unusually high? God, what if she fucking sneezed? Nick had assured her that all of the paperwork was in order for this trip- that there was no reason for anyone to stop them. But so far life had been dealing June a pretty shit hand.

She cringed every time Waterford shifted on the seat above her. And she froze every time she heard his voice. She kept waiting for him to say 'Come on out, Offred.' She kept waiting for the moment she lost everything again. But then the car was moving again and she distantly heard Nick say, 'Welcome to DC, sir.' She still couldn't breathe properly, but there weren't as many black spots dancing in front of her eyes anymore.

The light blinded her. After so many hours in the dark under the seat, sunlight was painful. It took too long for her eyes to adjust, tears forming almost immediately. Nick reached down to help her sit up, but stopped her when she tried to get out. "Not yet. We can't stay long." His face was blurry at the edges but she could imagine his expression. The pinched brow, the clenched jaw- he was worried and trying not to be.

A sound from outside of the car startled June. Nick lifted his hand to keep her quiet as he got out and closed the door. The seat was still up. If someone looked inside they would see her. She tried not to think about what they would do to her if they caught her. She tried not to imagine Nick hanging from the wall. But then there were voices outside and all she could feel was fear.

Hours passed in seconds, and the seconds went on for hours. This was a new type of torture. If Aunt Lydia could make the girls at the Red Center feel this… forget about losing an eye or a finger. This would cut off your sanity. Except…losing an eye had taken Janine's sanity. Maybe Aunt Lydia didn't need any help in that department.

The door opened and June nearly sobbed when Nick's face greeted her. "Lie on your side." She settled back down and closed her eyes, positioned herself onto her side. Her fingers were trembling and her breathing was shaky, but she trusted Nick. Even if it meant squeezing herself back into that little hole. A grunt from Nick had her opening her eyes again only to see a cloud of pink.

"Mommy?"

The five seconds that June had to look at her little girl were nowhere near enough. But it was more than she'd had in too long. Her arms wrapped around Hannah tightly as Nick lowered the seat back into place. "It's okay, baby. It's going to be okay. I'm here now, I'm right here." It was all she could think to say. And all she could do was hold Hannah closer, tighter, so that this time no one could pry her little girl away from her.

"Nick got me to DC. I hid in a compartment under the back seat." Her grip tightened on his hand when she felt him try to pull away. "He dropped Commander Waterford off and drove to another location." June looked over at Nick, a smile forming as she remembered getting Hannah back. "I was terrified, but I knew he wouldn't let anything happen to me. Then he put Hannah in the compartment with me and we drove for a few hours- I don't know exactly how many."

Carl wrote something down and passed it to the judges. The secrecy made June nervous and she found herself pressing into Nick. She smiled when she felt his lips press gently against her temple. It was a reflex for him. A physical reminder that he was there and he cared about her. June didn't miss the way the judges watched the moment.

"Please, continue Mrs. Bankole."

So she did. She told them how Nick told her where they were and what was happening even though she couldn't see it. She told them about crossing the border into Canada. She told them about getting to the refugee center and finding Luke and Holly. Then they questioned Nick- about his return to Gilead, about his efforts to help other Handmaid's and children. It went on forever, it seemed.

"Thank you, for your time, Mrs. Bankole. We understand that we've interrupted your routine. However, your being here has helped shed some light on Mr. Blaine's character and motivations." June felt her stomach drop a little at those words. Did they mean that the judges would make a decision immediately? Had she said anything that could make things worse for Nick?

God, she hoped not.

She loved Luke- she was so happy to have found him again. But she needed Nick. She needed him in a way she barely understood sometimes. He was safety and strength and a light in the darkness she found herself in at times. He fought her and fought for her. He let her stand on her own and caught her when she couldn't hold herself together. Everything she had never known she needed in a man- everything she would never have thought she needed before Gilead. It was all perfectly contained in Nick Blaine. And she couldn't lose him- not to Eden or the wall, not to Serena or Fred… Not to the judicial system of Canada or what was left of the United States.

The lawyers stood from the table, effectively ending June's spiraling thoughts. The judges stood also, returning to the corner they had been in before to discuss…whatever they were discussing. The security guards pulled Nick from his chair. It startled her into letting go of his hand. Then instinct took over- the one that said keep him close- and she stood too, her hand gripping Nick's shirt.

The guard who had tried to separate them before, Jameson, stepped between her and Nick. "Ma'am we need you to step back."

"Wait. Where are you taking him?"

"Step back please, ma'am."

June turned to the other side of the room. All four people on the other side of the table were watching- curious expressions blatant on their faces. She turned back to the guard, slipping past him to wrap her arms around Nick' waist. If they were taking him away again, she wanted a proper goodbye. They had earned that much. Nick kissed her hair and let out a long sigh. Like he needed this, too. Then he pulled away.

"It's okay. Tell Holly I love her." His eyes had that intensity that made her head spin when he looked at her. How can you be nostalgic for something while it's happening? She nodded, biting her bottom lip to keep from crying. "I love you." It was so quiet she would have missed it if she weren't looking at him- memorizing him like she had every other time she was in his presence.

Then the guards were pulling him away and Will was back, leading her out of the room.

Her lips wouldn't say the words until she was sitting in her car.

Moira and Luke were waiting when she got home. Hannah was watching a movie in her room and Holly was down for her nap. June wanted to take a nap, or watch a movie. Anything to avoid the conversation she knew was coming. Fuck, she'd be happy if they would give her a minute to decompress before they started their interrogation.

But that was never Moira's style.

"So? What did they call you for?" Moira's eyes were glued to June and it was almost too much. But the absence of Luke's gaze was much heavier. They were both at the kitchen table; both had mugs of coffee in front of them. But there, all similarity ended. "June? What happened?"

She shrugged out of her sweater and dropped it and her keys on the table. "I think it was some kind of arraignment. There were lawyers and judges." She thought about the questions they had asked. She remembered the looks they had exchanged amongst themselves. "They asked how I knew him, how me and Hannah got out. That sort of thing."

Luke looked up from his mug to stare at a spot past her ear. The illusion of looking at her. "It took a while. Was there more to it than what you told me?" It was a dig and they all knew it. And it was petty, but she didn't blame him. There were a lot of things she hadn't told Luke about Gilead. And she almost never mentioned Nick at all.

"I didn't know how to explain Nick to you, Luke. How could I? That world…it's so far removed from the one you've been living in. How do I explain what Nick means to me if I can barely explain Gilead?" It's a copout answer and she knows it. And the way Moira stares her down like she's an alien doesn't help. Fuck it. "I fell in love, Luke. I was trapped in this place, with these horrible people. I was property and a whore. I had no rights; I wasn't allowed my own thoughts. No one saw me as a human being, and that was okay to them- it was acceptable." She took in a shaky breath, eyes falling closed as she tried to keep her composure. "The other Handmaid's knew, so we treated each other like people. But Nick… he was the only one who saw me- June. He told me jokes and he let me rant and he kept me safe. He was kind and gentle and so sweet. And I fell in love."

There, she had said it. It was out now. Did he feel better? Did knowing make his life easier somehow? Because it didn't feel that way for her. It felt like she was ending her marriage. It felt like she was giving up on the family she had fought so hard to get back to. Which made her feel guilty. Because Nick deserved better than to be a secret she kept. And Luke deserved more than a wife who lied to him and pretended another man was holding her at night.

Moira slid her chair back noisily. "I think maybe I should let you two talk." Luke nodded, but his eyes were back on his mug. She turned to June. "This man waited for you- for years. He's your husband. You love him. Don't let Gilead take that from you. Don't let this fucking Guardian make you think you can't have your life back." Then she turned to Luke. "The shit that happens in that place- it's fucked. And you can't ever really understand it. But you can't get mad at her for finding comfort where she could. And you can't treat Holly different. You have to get over your fucking male pride." Then she left, closing the door gently behind her.

They sat in silence for a long time. Then, "Nick wants me to work things out with you. He got me out knowing that I would be going back to you." She let that sink in for a moment. "You know, he risked his life smuggling those letters out… And he gave you all the credit. He never wanted to take me from you." Luke looked at her, finally. And she saw so much in his eyes. Anger, hurt, betrayal, wounded pride, sadness…Fear. "I love you, Luke. But I'm not the same person I was when they took me. And you aren't the same person either."

"But we can try, right? We can try to learn each other again. I want that. Do you?"

She sat in silence. For too long. For just long enough. She didn't say it, but he heard it anyway.

I used to.