"Well," Jean started, she crinkled her eyebrows as she thought about how to break it to her son that Lucien was here with her. That she was contemplating moving on from her mourning of his father. And how to break it to Jack. Jean sighed and sat back into her seat in contemplation. "Frankly I don't want to tell anyone anything. Is it wrong to just want to keep it to ourselves? I want to enjoy it for awhile.
"No, I understand Jean. Though, is it wrong of me to want to tell everyone. I'm so happy that you haven't quit me. I simply don't know how to get along without you."
"We both know that's not true. You have spent most of your life without my presence."
"And look at what a bloody mess I made of it. Jean, you know how my mind is always going in 20 different directions. You calm me down, help me focus and make me want to try harder. There is nothing that I look forward to more than spending time with you, however we do it."
Jean gave him a small little smile. "Well, It's probably best that we get to spend time together in Adelaide, it'll be the only time when we are not being watched or talked about. I just don't think I can handle the scrutiny of Ballarat before we even get our feet under us."
"Agreed. How about this. I want to be honest with Christopher about my intentions."
"And what are those?" Jean raised her eyebrow.
"To do everything in my power to make you happy Jean. If you let me." Squeezing her hand to emphasize his sincerity. He wanted to kiss her but was fairly certain that Jean wouldn't allow that here on the bus with little privacy.
Jean's eyes watered at this heart felt declaration. "That's a good start" she replied smiling.
"Let's just tell him the truth. I couldn't let you leave Ballarat without letting you know how I feel, that I was a bloody fool and chased down your bus to do it and that I want you to return to our home as soon as is feasible. I'll help you with getting things situated at Christopher's. After all, I am a doctor and do have some experience with children." He smiled.
"Well-"exclaimed Jean. She contemplated Christopher's reaction to this statement. She was sure that his mother's romantic life wasn't at the forefront of his mind, he probably was consumed with his own familial issues. But frankly it had never come up. The boys had been gone from Ballarat for many years now and had rarely visited truthfully. Jean hadn't really entertained stepping out with anyone in all those years since they'd left her care. No man had interested her enough to bother. "And what if Christopher isn't receptive to that declaration?"
"How do you think he'll respond? I only met him that one evening, but he seemed very level-headed. I'm sure he knows I'm fond of you or I wouldn't have bothered contacting him and asking him to come for your birthday."
"Yes, he seemed fairly receptive. Really the only problem was my asking about Jack. I didn't realize how sensitive he was about his brother. I hadn't thought that I was pushing Christopher aside, that's why this is so important to me. I really love both my boys and perhaps I need to put more focus on the one son who hasn't cast me away."
"Jean, I didn't want to ask then, but I was quite surprised that Jack hadn't contacted you when he came into town for that race. If you hadn't been there to see Charlie run and you saw him, do you think Jack would have made an effort to see you?" Lucien's hand continued to caress Jean's shoulder and she relaxed back into his chest.
"I don't know Lucien. No one wants to think their children are avoiding them but I'm not sure he was interested in seeing me at all. You know I had to warn Mattie about him."
"Really?" He looked down at her his face turning into a scowl.
"Nothing happened I don't think," she reassured him "but I encountered them in the hallway by the stairs and obviously interrupted.. something. I told Mattie that she could do so much better than Jack."
"Oh Jean, He'll come around. When he gets older and understands more about the world. At some point he'll need his mother and then he'll come to you. Don't give up."
"Well, my luck it would be money for bail. How is it we can put all our love and effort into our children and still fail miserably."
"You at least got the opportunity and you did your best Jean. No one could ask for more. I have learned that children don't always appreciate the efforts we do put in." Jean's head shot up looking into his eyes.
"I'm sorry Lucien, I didn't mean…" Lucien raised his hand to stop her apology.
"I know Jean, I know. We have two chances to have a parent child relationship. In the first one we're the child and the second we're the parent and the second relationship never fixes the issues with the first." Jean sighed.
"No, I suppose not. Still, we can only keep trying."
"Yes, just as I will keep trying with Li. I hope someday you two will get to meet. Although with how things are going in China I'm not sure it will be possible."
"Is she not safe?" Jean asked worriedly.
"It's safer for her than it would be for us to travel over, but it's not advisable to criticize the government. Being half white doesn't make it easier for her. She's part of a good family though who will take care of her. I don't think we have to worry about her though. She wasn't a rebel." He smiled.
"Surprising when you think that she is a Blake." Jean smirked.
Lucien grimaced at her quip then tapped her hand to bring the topic back in focus. "Back to Christopher, Jean, I'm thinking about the future. I want you to know there is no one else for me but you. When I think of life when I'm old and doddering I see you with me. I want you to be there with me until one or the other of us leaves this crazy world which, I hope to God, is a long, long time away. If Christopher doesn't like it well….I defer to you. I would never want to jeopardize your relationship with your son." Jean looked at him with such wonder. When she did ponder what it was he wanted of her, what he was thinking while he gave her that little side smile of charm. When he dropped his chin down to his chest and let those mesmerizing blue eyes look up thru his lashes. When he teased, she was hopeful.
What was it about this man? She'd not discouraged prospective suitors over the years. Certainly not after the boys were grown and on their own, but no one had stood out, made her want more or to consider sacrificing the security she had so diligently built over the years. Jean had learned long ago that if it had been a matter of companionship, she had friends and activities that would occupy her time and mind and make her forget the loneliness. Honestly, the loneliness wasn't nearly so stifling as when Christopher left to join or after that telegram arrived removing him entirely from her future, but always there was a small longing to have more in life than the comfortable existence that had been her days since coming to work for Thomas.
She reflected on how much can be set aside when you accept your solitude. That you can let the physical desire for love, affection and even lust fade because you don't expect that they will come along. And she certainly didn't want to have a relationship for simple companionship, she wouldn't settle. If she was to have another opportunity, she wanted it all. As much as she loved Christopher, she understood so much more in her maturity; realized that as close as they were they weren't really friends. They were so young, and love and lust overcame the necessity for any other emotions. The worst of their fights, on reflection, were due to that one reason. But Lucien. It was a friendship born out of unexpected commonality of loss, and contrasts of perspective, but done with a great deal of respect and general acceptance. Even when they clashed the underlying desire to want the best for the other had shown through.
Lucien was looking intently at Jean. Everything was reflected on her face. Her eyes were always so expressive. He could always tell when she was upset with him or anyone else. The specter of disapproval was one of the first facial expressions that Lucien had received upon arriving at the house. There was no mistaking it. As time passed and he watched her more closely, she was very beautiful after all, he saw the warmth and compassion show for those around them, those sweet smiles and small touches. When she finally gave him that sweet smile the first time his heart skipped. She seemed to glow and her eyes softened and he had an overwhelming desire to touch her face. Being this close to Her he was surrounded by the scent that was distinctly Jean, slightly floral and fresh, smelling a little of lemon and sun and powder. Her skin looked so soft and smooth and he wanted nothing more than to caress her cheek but he kept his hand clinging to Jean's.
One thing he knew for sure, she would not fall into his arms and throw propriety aside. Jean always held herself with dignity and she wouldn't, even if they were married, allow for overt public displays of affection. That she was allowing him wrap his arm around her and nuzzle her temple surprised him. It was an indicator of how much she must care about him. He knew it took quite a lot of patience to deal with his energy and enthusiasms, but she knew just how to manage him and it had all transpired without his really noticing. He had a terrible time being idle, but then so did Jean. She wasn't one to simply sit out in the garden with a lemonade and enjoy the afternoon sun so he would take advantage of this forced idleness of a bus ride to bask in the closeness. Jean seemed to have come to a conclusion and a half smile formed on her face.
"Well, If Christopher doesn't like it, he'll just have to keep it to himself. I'm ready Lucien, I want my future to be with you." And she gave him a look of longing and happiness that he hoped he was worthy of. He would do everything in his power to keep her looking at him as she was now and he responded with the biggest smile.