You guys are the BEST! Rushed to finish this chapter because I'm so thankful for the feedback I'm getting. Remember I promised ups AND downs. Remember that when you are reading hahahaha! SVU has never been a happy go lucky show all the damn time. But HAPPY E/O is ALWAYS my endgame :)
1 month later…
By mid January, things were chaotic but happy. Olivia's birthday being in December had meant that Christmas was right after. The Stabler family once again showed her how to celebrate a holiday with a family. And she couldn't have been more grateful. The kids were back at school following break and Elliot and Olivia were in full swing at work. The cold winter seemed to bring out the worst in their perps and both Elliot and Olivai were feeling the exhaustion take over them.
One morning, well before the sun was up, they were both lying fast asleep in their bed. It felt like they had barely been home for a few hours when Olivia heard her phone ringing. Pulling herself out of his embrace she groaned, "No…"
Elliot grumbled and peeked his eyes open to glance at the clock, "It's 4 in the morning. That means nothing good…"
She whimpered, pulled herself all the way and reached for her phone, shivering in the cold morning air, "It's Cragen." She could hear Elliot sigh behind her, "Hi Cap." He waited patiently as she listened to the conversation, knowing she would relay the message, "Yeah...is Fin already there?" His hand slid down her back as she sat up straighter, "Okay. No. I understand. I know. I know...but I'm fine. See you later."
Snapping the phone shut, she looked back at the still half asleep Elliot, "What happened?"
"Body in the Hudson." She frowned, "Fin's already on his way to get me. I gotta jump in the shower to wake myself up."
He tangled his hand with hers, "They don't need me?"
Olivia shook her head and threw the blanket off of her, "No. Cap said you can stay."
He sighed and tried to reach for her again, "Wait…"
Looking at him over her shoulder she smiled, "El...I don't want to make Fin wait. He's already going out of his way to get me so you can have the car."
"I know." He said rubbing the sleep from his eyes, "I've been thinking about that...we should probably get a car for you too. Now that you're living here in Queens...it makes sense. We can drive together when we can but sometimes, like now, it will be easier having two cars. No use having Fin backtrack or paying for a cab."
"Okay." She squeezed his hand and smiled, "Well...we can talk about it." He tugged on her arm again and she laughed, leaning over him, "I need to shower…"
He smirked at her hopefully, "I could go for a shower too…"
Shaking her head she kissed him and shoved his chest back, "Fin will never forgive me if I make him wait because we were going at it." He pouted and she kissed him gently, "But if we get out of work at a decent hour tonight...I'll make it up to you."
Touching her nose with his finger he smiled, "I'm going to hold you to that."
She offered him a wink, slipped out of the bed and tiptoed to the bathroom to hop in the shower. Elliot watched her go and smiled thinking about the fact that he got to wake up with her every morning from here on out. They hadn't had time to do much planning for the wedding or setting up the full adoption but...it didn't matter. As long as he knew it was happening, he could wait a while longer.
Twenty minutes later, Olivia slipped out of the bedroom and into the dark hallway. The door to Lizzie and Richie's room opened and Richie was walking out, bleary eyed and half asleep. She smiled as he stumbled towards her, "Livvie?"
Leaning down, she scooped him up and he cuddled into her side, "Hi baby...what are you doing up?"
"I had a bad dream." He whispered snuggling into her, "Can I sleep in your room?"
She sighed and pressed a kiss to his head, "I have to go to work. But Daddy is asleep. You can go in with him."
"Will you take me?" He mumbled, clinging to her tighter, "Please?"
She smiled and walked glanced at her watch knowing Fin could wait another minute. "Sure honey." Walking back towards the room, she pushed the door open and saw Elliot turn around towards her, "Room for one more?"
Elliot smiled and pulled the blanket back, "Yeah." Olivia gently placed Richie down who was still between sleep and being awake, "Everything okay?"
Richie snuggled into Olivia's pillow, "Bad dream…" He reached for Olivia again, "Mommy?"
Her heart fluttered again, both the kids and her were still getting used to the new name. Sometimes they called her Olivia, and other times like now, the name of Mom or Mommy flowed easily like now. Smoothing back his hair, she smiled at him, "Yeah buddy?"
He yawned and peeked up at her with one eye, "Be safe."
Her heart melted and she leaned forward and kissed his head, "Always. I love you."
"Love you." He said turning to lean into his Dad's embrace.
Looking over at Elliot, the smile on his face filled her heart with joy and she smiled, "Love you too."
Elliot held Richie closed and smiled, "Love you more."
She smiled, shook her head and once again walked out of the room once more.
Four hours later, Olivia was exhausted. Sitting with Fin at their desks, she was going through photos from their crime scene. Biting back a yawn, she leaned against the back of her chair.
Fin looked over at her, "Am I boring you?"
Shooting him a look she shook her head, "Tread lightly Fin...I'm beat. Not all of us got to take a week-long getaway for the New Year."
Fin chuckled and nodded, "I gotta say it was nice to get away...but I bet you'll be planning a honeymoon sooner rather than later. I see you picking a tropical destination."
Looking at him she frowned, "Honeymoon?" He gave her a look and she smiled, "Right...right."
Fin narrowed his eyes at her and laughed, "What, you forgot the fact that you were a newly engaged woman?"
She smiled and shook her head, her eyes instinctively going down to the ring on her finger, "I didn't forget. I'm just so damn tired I'm not thinking straight."
"So where are you going to go?" He asked curiously, "Europe? Hawaii?"
Olivia rolled her neck back and forth, "Fin, I don't know. We haven't had time to even think about it."
"Well what are you waiting for?" He asked, he watched her stand up and walk towards the coffee machine, "Start planning! I love a good wedding! And make sure your bridesmaids are hot. I love hooking up with a bridesmaid at a wedding."
"Bridesmaids. Right…" She frowned letting the words ring through her brain, "Honeymoon...bridesmaids."
Fin watched her from his spot at his desk and asked a question he was sure would have an intense reaction, "You're not having second thoughts, are you?"
Olivia's head snapped up and she looked at him frantically, "What? No! Of course not! Why would you even think that?"
Fin stood up and walked towards her, his hands up in defense, "Okay...take a step back there Benson."
She looked around the squad room and frowned, "Why would you say that?"
"I just...noticed that you seemed a little off." She didn't respond and he moved closer to her, placing a reassuring hand on her arm he whispered, "You okay?"
Olivia sighed and rubbed the back of her head, "I'm fine. I just...haven't had time to wrap my head around this all." He gave her a look, "I don't mean...about the actual marriage. I want that. But the wedding...the planning. We haven't really talked about that part."
"Okay…" He said with a shrug, "So talk about it. I mean...you agreed to adopt his children and spend your life with him. You have to have talked about bigger issues than this...in fact I know you have. So just talk to him."
"Okay." She said with a nod, her heart rate slowing down just slightly, "Okay...you're right. I don't know why I'm being so weird about this."
Fin chuckled and shook his head, "I hate to break it to you Benson...but you're weird about most things."
She rolled her eyes and shoved him back, "I'll remember that when I'm supposed to be defending you Totuola."
He laughed harder as he watched her walk back towards her desk.
It was past 10 before Olivia pulled up in front of the house in a cab. She was beyond exhausted. Her whole body felt like it was going to collapse at any moment. Climbing up the stairs, she stood outside for a minute, yawning and trying to pull herself together. She stumbled forward, when the door opened.
Elliot stood there with a smile on his face, "Hey. I didn't think you'd make it home."
She groaned and stepped into the house, leaning in to kiss him quickly, "You and me both."
Elliot rubbed her back and helped her take off her coat, "Are you hungry? There are plenty of leftovers."
She shook her head and tugged at her boots, "Honestly? I just want to go to bed. I'm beat."
"Need a shower first?" He asked hopefully, leaning into her but she pulled away.
"El...I'm sorry. I can't even stand up straight right now." She said with a sigh, and a small pout wishing she had the strength to give him more, "Seriously...I'd love too. But if I don't go to sleep I'm going to pass out."
Kissing the side of her head he smiled trying to reassure her that he wasn't upset, "I get it."
Turning to look at him, she frowned and touched his cheek, "I'm sorry."
He shook his head and kissed her again, "Liv it's okay." Leaning forward he kissed her forehead, "Go upstairs. Go to sleep. I'll be up in a bit."
Wrapping her arms around his waist, she hugged him close, letting the stress of the day wash away as he held her, "I love you."
"Love you too." He replied giving her a gentle squeeze, "Go on. Otherwise I'll have to carry you."
She groaned and turned away but offered him a sweet smile over her shoulder, "Tempting…"
He smiled and watched her walk up the stairs. Turning, he walked towards the kitchen to finish cleaning up and getting the kids lunches ready for tomorrow. Upstairs, Olivia stripped herself of her clothes and pulled on sweats and one of Elliot's t-shirts and brushed her teeth. Climbing into bed, she sighed and pressed her head into the pillow behind her. She felt herself beginning to finally drift off when the door creaked open. She heard whispering, the pitter patter of feet and she couldn't help but smile. The mattress shifted under the weight of two kids and she pulled the blanket back.
"You're home." Lizzie said from behind her as she leaned against her.
Olivia lifted her head off the pillow and nodded, "I'm home."
Both of them curled up beside Olivia, "Catch the bad guys?" Richie asked.
"Just about." She said with a yawn putting her arm around them both, "What are you doing awake?"
"We like to keep checking until we know you and Daddy are home." Lizzie said, "Just in case."
"I'm home. Close your eyes. We all need sleep." She said yawning again.
"Night Mommy." Lizzie said snuggling into her.
Olivia fell asleep with a smile on her face, not worrying about anything else for tonight.
The following morning, the kids were running rampant throughout the house as they got ready for school. Olivia had showered, got herself ready for the workday and walking herself downstairs. In the kitchen, Elliot was trying to keep everything under control but the kids were running around the counter arguing.
Olivia caught Kathleen on one of her turns around the kitchen Island to chase after her brother, "What's going on?"
Elliot grumbled and tried to clean off the counter, "Richie spilled his milk on Kathleen and Maureen and all hell has broken loose."
"Dad said a bad word!" Richie yelled as he laughed continuing to run from his sisters.
Kathleen tried to squirm out of Olivia's grasp and Richie stomped on Olivia's foot hard as he passed her, "Ow. Damn it."
"Mommy said a bad word!" Richie said laughing harder as he continued to run.
Elliot reached out and pulled him off the floor like Olivia had done with Kathleen, "Stop!
Richie squirmed in his Dad's arms, "Dad! Let me go!"
Elliot held onto him tighter, "Richie calm down." As his legs continued to swing, he caught Elliot straight between the legs causing him to buckle forward, "Son of a bitch."
Richie was giggling uncontrollably as his Dad dropped him, "Another bad word!"
Olivia put Kathleen down and walked over to Richie sternly, "Richie...that's enough." She turned to Elliot and put her hand on his shoulder, "You okay?"
He turned from her and grumbled in a raspy, pained voice, "Hope you weren't dead set on more kids."
Olivia couldn't help but laugh as she rubbed his back gently, "El-"
A loud crash sounded from behind them and Elliot stood up straight and his voice boomed through the room, "Richie!" The frustration in his voice caught the attention of the four children and everyone froze, "Time out. Now!"
Richie's lip trembled, "But...Daddy…"
"Now!" He said pointing towards the living room angrily, "Go."
Richie turned, walked towards the living room with his head hung low and his shoulders slumped. Olivia watched him go and saw the girls starting to try and clean up the mess. "Girls don't touch that." She said, referring to one of the glasses that broke, "I'll get it. I don't want you to cut yourselves."
Elliot groaned again and started to limp away, "I'll be right back."
Olivia saw him walking towards the bathroom, clearly needing a minute to compose himself after the kick. Moving around the kitchen, she cleaned up the mess on the floor and urged the girls to finish their breakfasts. She kept one eye on Richie who was on the couch, she could tell he was crying and it broke her heart. After a few minutes, Elliot came out of the bathroom and walked towards the living room. Olivia saw him kneeling in front of his son, talking sternly but fairly and saw Richie responding. Leaning forward, he hugged his Dad and then walked back into the kitchen. He said his apologies to his sister and then turned to Olivia.
Immediately the tears sprang from his eyes and he ran at her, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please don't leave!"
Olivia looked up at Elliot, both clearly shocked by his outburst, "Richie…" Reaching down she lifted him up and the little boy clung to her so hard she gasped feeling his bony limbs digging into her sides, "Hey...shhh." She rubbed his back soothingly, "Buddy it's okay. Take a deep breath." Richie continued to sob in her arms, "Richie, why would you think I would leave?"
Elliot walked closer to them when Richie refused to respond. "Buddy…"
Sniffling, he pulled away and stared up at her under his long lashes, "Because I was being bad."
"Oh honey, no." She wiped away his tears with one of her hands, "If you think some broken dishes and running over my toes is going to send me running...you are very mistaken. Can't run me off that easily." She emphasized her words by tickling him and offering a smile.
Richie smiled slightly but still looked nervous, "So...so you're still adopting us and marrying Dad?"
"Of course." She said nuzzling him close, "That hasn't changed at all."
Richie frowned harder as he thought through his next question, "Well...then why haven't we done it yet?"
Looking back at Elliot, she wasn't quite sure how to respond. He looked uncertain as well but tried to formulate a response, "Well...these things take time. We have to plan them."
"So plan them." Richie said quickly as if it was the easiest thing in the world.
Elliot smiled and nodded his head in reassurance, "We will bud."
"As annoying as he is...he's right." Maureen said walking over to them with her empty cereal bowl that she placed in the sink, "Why haven't we started planning the wedding at least?"
Olivia looked away and it didn't go unnoticed by Elliot. It caused a ripple of fear and worry to form in his chest. But he turned his attention back to his kids. One battle at a time he reminded himself. "Well the Holidays were busy...and work has been crazy for Liv and I. We just haven't had time." He looked over at Olivia again, she was still holding Richie but not looking at any of them, "But we will. Soon." He paused and added a hopeful, "Right Liv?"
His words made her turn towards him and she nodded once, somewhat unattached, "Yes."
He narrowed his eyes at her, trying to read her expression but he couldn't. "Okay. Well...we are going to be late. Everyone needs to clean up and go brush their teeth. Meet back down here in ten."
He watched as Olivia whispered a few more comforting words to Richie as she wiped away his remaining tears. The sight made him smile and soften slightly. But when Richie hoped down from his arms and ran to the stairs, Olivia turned away from him towards the coffee machine. He hesitated for a moment, then walked up behind her. Her body stiffened when he touched her lower back and he felt frustrated.
"Is everything okay?" He asked, leaning towards her.
Turning her head, she gave him a little smile but it wasn't her usual smile and they both knew it, "Of course. Why wouldn't it be?"
He frowned and studied her face, looking for signs of distress, something that maybe he had missed before. "I don't know…you just seem off."
She leaned up and kissed the corner of his mouth and then walked towards the fridge, "El...it's just been a long week. I'm tired."
He watched as she filled her coffee cup with half and half and moved around the kitchen. Her body language was all off. She wasn't her normal affectionate and cheery self. She had a wall up. And it bugged him. Especially because it seemed to go up the minute Richie asked why they hadn't started planning. He assumed it was because they were busy. But was there more to it? Was she having second thoughts about all of it?
Feeling frustration win over his worry he asked, "Are we actually going to start planning?"
She sighed and put her coffee cup down hard on the counter, "El don't be ridiculous. Of course we are. Like you said, we've just been busy."
When she brushed past him again he huffed, "You sure that's it?"
Searching for her keys she didn't look at him when she answered, "Yes." His silence made her look up and she saw the tense look on his face, "Are you seriously mad at me right now?"
Crossing his arms over his chest he frowned, "I'm a little irritated that you seem put off by the idea of planning our wedding."
She rolled her eyes at him, "Last time I checked, you haven't said anything until now either. So how is this all on me?"
"Fine. That's fair. But I'm bringing it up now." Walking closer to her he said in a softer voice, "Maybe this afternoon I'll give our priest a call and we can set up an appointment with him."
Her brow furrowed and she was quiet for a moment, contemplating his words. She always knew religion was important to him. And since they started dating, he had managed to drag her to church on a number of occasions. But a church wedding...that wasn't something she had even contemplated before. "Oh. Right. Uh...okay."
He huffed, throwing his arms up in defeat, "Seriously Liv, what the hell-"
Hearing the kids feet on the stairs she gave him a warning look, "I think we should table this conversation until later."
He laughed angrily and stepped away, "Fine. Avoidance is what you're best at."
Tears stung in her eyes and she knew she had pushed him to far, "El wait-"
He shook his head, grabbed his coat and went to meet the kids at the door. It was going to be a long day…
When they dropped the kids off at school, the tension grew. The way Elliot was gripping the steering wheel made her anxious. She kept trying to look at him, but the hard set of his jaw made her shiver. She hated when he was angry at her.
Just as she was about to pluck up the courage to say something, her phone rang. Taking it out of her pocket she saw it was Fin, "H-hi Fin." She stuttered, still feeling out of place. She listened to him for a moment then responded, "Um sure. Yeah...we are passing there in a second actually. I'll text you. Bye." Hanging up, she looked at Elliot who made no move to show he had been listening to her conversation, "Fin wants to know if you can drop me at Mercy. Our vic is awake and only wants to talk to me."
Elliot switched lanes quickly causing her to jerk in the car. "Sure."
She sighed and reached for his arm but he shifted away from him, "El please-"
"Liv...I'm really frustrated right now. So I'm going to ask you to NOT push me. I'm afraid I'll say something I'll regret." His voice was low, not angry but she could hear the pain behind it.
"Okay...but I just need you to know-" He shook his head and she swallowed hard, "I need you to know that I do-"
Putting the car in park outside the hospital, he turned quickly to her, cutting her off completely, "I'll just see you later."
Sucking in her lower lip, she bit down hard trying not to cry, "Elliot…"
Lifting his chin he whispered definitely, "I let you have space when you need it. Now I'm asking for the same thing."
Her head hung low and she signed, knowing there was no way to get through to him now, "Okay." Unbuckling her seatbelt, she reached for her effects and then slowly opened the door. Her legs were shaking as they hit the pavement under her, she turned to him again, "I love you. You know that, right?"
He quickly turned from her and put his hand on the gear, "Sure." She went to open her mouth to respond but he cut her off again, "Can you shut the door?"
Stumbling backwards, her hand touched the cool metal as she closed the door tight. Not a second later, he peeled out of the parking spot and away from her. Her breath got caught in her throat and for a moment she thought she might burst into tears. How had things gotten so screwed up this morning? Why was she so stressed about planning the wedding? She knew she wanted to be married to Elliot. She had no doubts about that.
So what the hell was her damn problem?
She sighed and walked towards the hospital hoping some time apart would let him cool down enough so they could talk things through. She knew he was the only one that could talk her down when she was stuck in her own thoughts and insecurities. The only problem was, she wasn't sure he would be willing to listen this time.
Olivia had spent most of the day at the hospital with their victim trying to simultaneously keep her calm and get more information about her attack. By the time she got back to the Precinct with Fin she was completely drained. Her head was pounding and the worry she felt about the situation with Elliot was at an all time high. She sighed when she saw he wasn't in the office either. Another Detective let her know he was with Munch down at the ME's office going over evidence on another case. It was late afternoon and she was hoping they could get out of here at a decent time to allow them to talk. She still wasn't sure what exactly to say but she knew she had to say something. Otherwise, she feared the worst.
She was bent over a stack of paperwork when Alex waltzed into the squad room, "Oh good you're here."
Looking up, Olivia saw that her friend's arms were filled with magazines, "What's all this?"
"I picked these up on my way over." She threw them down on top of Olivia's desk, "We seriously need to start planning!"
Olivia's eyes roamed over the stacks of bridal magazines and her heart dropped to her stomach, "Alex…"
"I feel like we need to pick a date first. That way you can think about color schemes, flowers and the appropriate dress for the weather." She picked up one magazine and opened to a page, "Personally, I think this dress would look absolutely stunning on you."
The dress in question was over the top, a ball gown, something that screamed bridezilla and she cringed, "Yeah...that's not really my style."
Alex nodded and grabbed another magazine, "Well what about this one?" Olivia didn't respond, but she looked overwhelmed, "Okay maybe we put the dress off for now." She put the magazine down, "Have you guys talked at all about a date? About a season? Will you adopt the kids before or after the wedding?"
Olivia's heart was pounding hard in her chest and she tried to focus on her breathing, "We haven't really had time to talk about it. It's only been a month. We aren't really in a rush."
Alex shrugged, "Okay. Well it's still good to talk about it. Venues, caterers, wedding planners all that stuff books fast. Helping my sister with her wedding I realized you can't wait long. All the good stuff will be taken."
Olivia's hands started sweating, "Venues. Caterers…"
"I kind of assumed Elliot would want to get married at his church. But you would need to book that too. And then we can think about venues. But I really think you need to pick a date." She said still not quite picking up on how uncomfortable Olivia was.
Olivia nodded slowly, "Okay."
"Oh! I almost forgot." She pulled a folder out from behind her and smiled, "This is a guest list I started the other day."
Olivia took the folder and her eyes roamed the page, "Alex...there has to be over 200 people on this list."
Alex nodded and reached for another magazine, "I think I got to about 230."
Olivia's mouth hung open, "230? Are you crazy? I don't think I know 230 people! And if I do...I definitely don't like 230 people enough to invite them to my wedding."
Alex laughed, "That might be true. But between the NYPD and everyone down at the DA's office who have all been waiting for this to happen...it adds up to quite a lot of people! It's your own damn fault for being so interesting"
Olivia growled as she read names, "Alex...no. No way."
"There is still room for you to invite family. I put your college friends down already." She said pointing.
Olivia glared at her, feeling herself reaching her breaking point, "Newsflash, I don't have family. And I can tell you that Rachel isn't invited so take her off." The last thing she needed was her so called "friend" Rachel there fawning all over Elliot again. One kiss was enough in her mind.
Alex's face flushed at the mention of Olivia's family or lack thereof. She remembered that Olivia's Mother had only died the year before, "Olivia...I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."
"It's fine." She said angrily as she searched through the mess on her desk for her phone that was pinging, "Can you move this shit please? I have work to do."
Alex sighed and started to gather the magazines. "Okay. So maybe bringing them to work wasn't the best idea. But maybe I could come over some night? Or you can come to mine without the kids."
"Fine. Yes." She said, still searching for her phone but just wanting the conversation to be over..
"Oh and by the way, I know an amazing photographer. My friend's husband and she actually does wedding cakes. I can get a discount I think." She said smiling.
"Jesus Alex! Would you back off? I don't want to talk about all of this right now." She screamed.
A few heads in the squad room turned towards her, surprised by her outburst. Alex walked closer to her, "What's going on?"
"Nothing. Nothing is going on." She answered through gritted teeth, "I'm just not in the mood to discuss stupid wedding cakes, flowers and dresses. Where the hell is my phone?"
Alex stilled her frantic hands, "Olivia, you're not having cold feet are you?"
"Why does everyone keep asking me that? You. Fin. Richie. Elliot." She held up her hand and waved around her ring, "I said yes."
"Right but the wedding planning is important and you're going crazy over it. I mean these are important details." Alex said, "You can't avoid them forever."
"I'm not avoiding anything. I just don't care about that stuff. I'm not the girl who fawns all over the wedding shows and latest bridal magazine issues. It doesn't matter to me." Her heart was beating fast as she spoke.
"Well it should matter. It is part of getting married." Alex replied with a shrug.
Before she could even think it through, the words tumbled from her mouth, "Well then maybe I don't want to get married!"
As the last word fell from her lips, she saw someone moving out of the corner of her eye. Her heart dropped to her stomach when she looked more carefully. Elliot was standing with Munch in the doorway. The pained look on his face, the confusion and deep hurt made her sick.
His jaw set quickly and he nodded once, "Well okay then."
Olivia stumbled forward and tried to reach for him, "No. Elliot, wait. No. I didn't mean that!"
He shook his head and started to walk down the hallway at a fast speed, "Yeah. I think you did."
She willed her feet to move faster as she tore after him, "No. I didn't! It was taken out of context. Just wait. Please wait!"
Elliot spun around at the last minute and she stumbled backwards as he crowded her space. The look on his face frightened her and he pointed accusingly at her, "You said you were ready. You said you wanted this. Wanted me. My children. You made a promise."
She tried to reach for his hand desperately but he yanked it away, "I do. I do. Please just let me explain-"
"There's nothing to explain." His eyes were dark but she only saw hurt reflecting back at her, not anger, "I got the message loud and clear this time." When she tried to pull him away he mumbled, "Don't follow me."
He tugged his arm from her grasp and climbed in the elevator. Olivia's knees gave out as the tears came and Munch was there to catch her before she fell. "What have I done?"
Munch pulled her closer, "Okay. Take a breath Olivia."
Fin walked into the hallway having missed the exchange in the squad room, "Liv? Your phone's been ringing."
With shaky hands, she reached for it and glanced down. The text message that popped up broke her heart even more. It was from Elliot, moments before he had walked into the squad room.
I'm sorry about earlier. I was just upset. I'm on my way back to the precinct. Can we talk? I love you.
The tears came hard and fast and she held on tighter to John, "I-I need to g-go home."
Munch rubbed her back and looked at Fin, "Okay. We'll drive you. Everything is going to be fine. Let's go."
When Fin and Munch finally got Olivia home, she tore out of the car and ran up the path. Flinging the front door open, she desperately called into the large house.
"Elliot! El?" She ran through rooms but as she had anticipated, he was nowhere to be found.
She could hear Fin calling her name from downstairs but she ignored him. Standing in the hallway, she leaned against the wall and tried to focus. Where else would he go? She had to find him. She had to explain. While driving, she realized what her issue was. It wasn't being married. She wanted that more than anything. She wanted to be his wife. But the extravagant ceremony, the pomp and circumstance, being the center of attention...it made her uncomfortable. She had been alone so long she felt very out of place in large crowds. The thought of standing in front of 200+ people in a church she wasn't sure she believed in, being stared at, watched, possibly judged, made her afraid. Those old insecurities resurfaced. How many people at the wedding would be thinking the same thing as she so often felt…
She doesn't deserve him. She isn't good enough for him.
Tears sprung up in her eyes again but she froze when she heard a noise from the twins bedroom. She was off in a flash again and pushed the door open, "El-" she froze when she saw who it was instead, "Bernie…"
The older woman turned from her task and frowned at Olivia, "Olivia…"
There was no mistaking the anger in Bernie's voice and she cringed realizing she knew something was wrong, "What are you doing?"
She heard her sigh before answering, "Packing clothes for the kids. They are staying with me tonight."
Olivia's mind immediately started racing and her heart ached, "What? Why?"
"Elliot called. He said he needed them out of the house tonight. That he didn't want them to see you arguing. Or possibly you packing." She answered by shooting her a look.
Olivia fell against the wall, "No. No I'm not packing. I-I-where is Elliot? I need to talk to him. He doesn't understand. What I said...it wasn't-"
Bernie put the bag down on the bed and turned all the way towards her, "Olivia...I just have to say this. You can't play with my son's heart like this. He's already been left before. He put it all on the line for you."
Olivia placed a hand on her heart and whispered, "Bernie, please believe me. I love your son more than anything in this world. Elliot and the kids...they mean everything to me. They're all I have. I didn't mean...what I said it wasn't about Elliot. It was stupid. I was upset and I said something I wish I could take back. Please. Please...just tell me where he is."
Bernie stared at her carefully, "I won't pretend that I haven't made mistakes in my life. That I haven't said things I regret...but Olivia-"
"I know." She said, her lip trembling, "I know. And as his Mother you have every reason to hate me." She wiped at her tears, "In fact I hate myself. I never want to hurt him...never. I didn't mean it. God I didn't mean it. I want to be his wife. I do!"
Bernie sighed and reached for her hand, "Come sit."
Olivia sat down on the edge of Lizzie's bed, "Bernie…"
"Olivia...I know that you haven't had a lot of experience with having a family." She whispered, "I can imagine that we are a bit overwhelming at times. We're loud and wear our hearts on our sleeves. But...you need to decide if this is what you want."
"It is." She pleaded, "Bernie it is...I've never been so happy." She sighed and looked down, "It's not...it's hard to explain."
"Well why don't you try." She said squeezing her arm, "This is important...try."
Olivia licked her lips, "It's just a lot...a whole big wedding. I don't have a family of my own. My friend Alex was talking about over 230 people...and all these things I needed to plan and my head was spinning. I don't know how to do any of that. I have no one to even plan with. And...and I'm sad. As much as I struggled with my Mother...there is a part of me that wishes she was here." She bit her lip and shook her head, "I don't even know if she would want to be a part of it...if she would care. But it's just making me think about a lot of things. I got overwhelmed and insecure and I lashed out."
Bernie thought about what she was saying and then nodded, "I think I can understand that. I know that you've been on your own...for most of your life. But you have six people who want to welcome you into their family."
Her lip turned up in a smile and she whispered, "Six?"
"Yes. Six." She said leaning into her, "Me included. You make my son very happy. And my Grandchildren. Don't let your insecurities ruin this…"
"Bernie, where is he?" She asked hopefully, "I need to talk to him. I need to explain. I don't know if he'll even listen…"
"He was going to pick up the kids and then bring them straight to my house. I'll...tell him to come home. But I can't promise he will. He's very upset." She said sadly, "He shuts down when he is upset."
Olivia hung her head, "The look on his face...and we had been fighting earlier about it. It's all so stupid. I know that. I'll do whatever he wants...a church, a big wedding, I don't care. I'll figure it out. I just want to be his wife."
"Olivia...that wouldn't make you happy." She said shaking her head, "And in turn, it wouldn't make him happy because it wouldn't be what you want. If you're going to make this work you need to talk things out. Make compromises. Be a team." She said nudging her, "Joe and I...we sometimes forgot that and it showed. But you and Elliot have always been a good team. You need to lean on that."
Looking up at the woman she frowned, "Bernie...I'm going to fix this. I promise."
Resting her forehead against Olivia's she smiled, "I know you will." Pulling back she smiled, "As a woman who has made many mistakes in her life, I understand saying things you regret. But as a Mother and a Grandmother...I'm asking you to think carefully. If there is any part of you...any part of you at all that is unsure. Say it now."
She shook her head addamently, "No. I swear Bernie. I want this. I love them. So much. I'm sure."
Standing up, Bernie reached for the bag again, "Okay."
Olivia frowned, "Maybe the kids should-"
"No...I think they should come stay with me." Bernie said softly, "You two need to talk. Spend some time together. I'll handle everything with the kids. This is important."
Olivia sighed but nodded in agreement, "Okay."
"Just tell him how you feel." Bernie said as she walked towards the door, "He needs the truth...don't hide from him." Turning towards her again she smiled, "My son can be difficult...but he loves you. He'll respond to what you have to say. I know he will."
Olivia watched her walk away and the only thing she could think was...but will he even come home?
Elliot had dropped the kids off at his Mother's and lucky for him they didn't seem to notice anything was off. Or if they did, they didn't question it. They were used to them needing to work late nights os it wasn't unusual for them to spend a night at their Grandmother's. He had no idea what he was going to do when he left but his Mother had pulled him aside and insisted he go home and talk to Olivia. She had told him that Olivia had come home looking for him and he felt an irrational sense of anger at the words.
Everytime he thought about what she had said…
Well then maybe I don't want to get married!
Instead of letting himself feel the pain, he went immediately to anger. It was safer that way. He was angry that she had let him believe she was ready. Angry that she had made his kids think this was what she wanted. She had said yes. When he proposed, she said yes. She said yes to the adoption. She said she was all in.
He wanted to drive around for hours until he ran out of gas. But his Mother told him if he didn't, he'd regret it for the rest of his life. The nagging feeling in the back of his mind told him he should go home. He just wasn't sure he was ready to face it. Ready to face her…
But before he knew it, he was in the driveway. He saw the lights on in the house and he knew she was home. He just wasn't sure what he would find when he went inside. He wasn't sure what she would say...or how it would impact him forever. He sat in the car for what felt like hours but was only a few minutes. He wondered if she had seen him from the window, if she didn't she hadn't come out. He could sit out here a little longer but he knew that it wouldn't do him any good. Wouldn't do them any good…
Sighing, he took the keys out of the ignition and exited the car. Walking towards the house, he felt like his feet were dragging against the path. He felt like a giant weight was holding him down. When he got to the door, he pushed it open and walked in, expecting to be pounced on by her the minute he stepped foot into the foyer.
Instead it was quiet. Eerily quiet. Instantly he remembered what it was like after Kathy left. The quiet...the kids were quiet. He was quiet. He felt lost. And then Olivia had shown up and turned everything right again. She had put the color back in his black and white world and he had fallen so hard for her. Harder than he could have thought possible. His heart ached when he thought of coming to this home without her. He didn't care that Kathy had left...not really. He dealt with it. But to live here now without Olivia...it would never feel like home again.
He sighed and tossed his keys down on the table beside the door. He kicked off his shoes and pulled off his jacket. Clearly she wasn't downstairs, so his eyes moved towards the stairs. He could see a light on and he decided it was now or never. Pulling himself up the stairs, he listened for any sound of her. But still, there was nothing. That almost made the anxiety worse. When he finally got to the end of the hallway and he pushed open the door, his heart squeezed in his chest. She was lying on the bed, curled up in a tight ball clutching his pillow. It was clear she was asleep. Looking at her...she looked so small.
She always came off as this together than nails, take no prisoners, badass of a woman. That was the Olivia she wanted the world to see so there was never any question about if she could handle the job. But here...in their bedroom he saw a different side to her. A softer side. A side that told him that underneath the tough exterior, she still had a lot of insecurities and demons hiding away. And maybe...just maybe that would explain this mess.
He was lost in thought and hadn't realized that she had woken up. But when he blinked again, she was pulling herself up into a sitting position against the headboard. Her knees were pulled up to her chest and her arms were wrapped around her legs. "Hi…"
He let out a rattling breath and moved further into the room, "Hi…"
Resting her chin on her knees she sighed, "I'm...I'm really glad you came home."
Elliot looked down and began to pull at his tie, "Hm…"
Her eyes never left him as he moved around the room, riding himself of his work clothes. He didn't talk. Didn't look at her. Didn't acknowledge her much. She knew she deserved it but it was making this that much harder. He went into the bathroom to change completely and she held her breath until he came back. On any other night, he'd crawl into bed with her. But tonight...he just stood there, staring at her as if he wasn't sure he belonged anymore. Not sure if he was wanted.
"Elliot." She whispered, trying to keep her voice steady, "I need you to know that I didn't mean that what I said...it came out all wrong."
Leaning against his dresser, he crossed his arms over his chest as a way of protection and looked at the ground, "Then what did you mean? Because to me...it was clear. You don't want to get married. But...you said yes Liv. You told me you were ready and you said yes. So what the hell changed?"
Scooting off the bed, her body shook as she walked towards him. His body went stiff when she was a foot away from him and she took the hint. He wasn't ready for any physical contact yet. Stepping back, she knew she needed to tread lightly. "Nothing changed...I do want to marry you." His eyes lifted up to look at her, "El, I swear." Placing her left hand over her heart she whispered, "There is nothing in this world I want more than to be your wife."
Elliot looked down at her hand, eying the ring, "I'm not sure I believe that anymore."
Her shoulders slumped and she lifted her hand to run through her hair, "I know. And I'm so sorry for that but it's the truth." She bit her lip, "I want this. I want this life with you. It was...the other stuff. That's what's overwhelming me."
He frowned and shook his head, "Other stuff? What other stuff?" His eyebrows rose, "The kids?"
"No!" She answered quickly, reaching for his arm but he stiffened again, "God no. Elliot no. Not the kids."
"Then what other stuff Olivia?" He said with a shrug, "What are you talking about?"
"The planning…" She mumbled her cheeks flushed with embarrassment, "All the decisions. When I pictured us getting married...I just pictured being married. Not...the actual wedding."
Elliot sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, "To actually be married, we'd need to have a wedding, Liv."
"I know." She said shifting from foot to foot, "I know. But...it's a lot. All things I haven't thought about or ever really cared about." She cringed when he looked put off again, "God...this is coming out wrong."
"Why don't you tell me what you actually mean here Liv because I'm lost." He said with an aggravated shrug and he held out his hands weighing his words, "This is either I want to be with you or not."
"Elliot I want to be with you." She said in a soft voice, "The big wedding...that's the issue. Alex was talking about flowers, cake, photography, dresses, catering…" Her hands were moving frantically, "Venues and she had 230 people on a guest list!"
Elliot rubbed the back of his neck again. He was young when he got married the first time and had done none of the planning. Kathy and her Mother had taken the reins and made all the decisions. He just showed up. But he did remember there being a lot of things that everyone fawned over. Personally, none of it really mattered to him either. And he remembered feeling very out of place during the entire day.
"There are decisions to be made, yes." He frowned then looked at her, the last part of her sentence finally registering with him, "230 people?"
Olivia nodded, "Yes! Half the freaking NYPD and members of the DA. Plus your family…" She looked down her sadness overwhelming her, "Not that I have a family so that is less people but-"
"You do have a family." He said softly, her head shot up towards him, "You do. Me. And the kids. We're your family."
For the first time since he got home, his voice was soft and understanding, "You're right. I do...but it's still different." She shrugged her shoulders, "I don't have a Mom to help me with decisions or help me pick out a dress. Or a Father to walk me down the aisle…" Her heart fluttered sadly.
Elliot sighed, mentally kicking himself for not considering this aspect. Her Mother had only been gone for a year. Despite their difficult relationship, it would still be hard for her to not have parents beside her in this instance. "Liv…"
"And...I've never been good at being the center of attention. 230 people...staring at me. In this big ridiculous dress that apparently Alex thinks I should wear. And in a church…" Her face flushed, "I'm trying...to be better about that for you. But it's a lot for me. It's all a lot. But I swear El...it isn't about being married to you." This time when she reached for him he didn't pull away, "I want to be your wife. I want you to be my husband. Please, please believe me."
Looking down at her hand in his he frowned, "This morning, I felt you pulling away. And then I got angry because I thought we were past that. I reacted poorly. But walking in and hearing you say that you didn't want to be married...Liv that hurt. Really hurt..."
"I know." She moved even closer to him, desperate for him to understand, "Oh God El I know...I'm so sorry." She touched his face and he didn't pull away, "I love you. I love you so much. I should have just talked to you...but I don't think I even realized why I was stressing out. At least not until Alex started talking about everything. It's sutpid. It's so stupid. I know. I'll do whatever you want me to do. Whatever you want for a wedding I'll figure it out. It's okay."
"No. It isn't." He said shaking his head, "This isn't my wedding Liv. It's our wedding. We shouldn't be making decisions separately. We should be making them together. That's the point." She looked down at his chest and he whispered, "Tell me what you want Liv."
"I just want to be your wife." She said with a shrug, "I want to adopt the kids...I want to be a family. The other stuff doesn't matter to me. I just...don't really want it to be a big production. It makes me...uncomfortable. Everyone will be thinking what I'm thinking…"
He frowned, confused by her words, "What does that mean?"
Swallowing the lump in her throat she whispered, "They'll be staring at me thinking...she doesn't deserve him."
Elliot's shoulders slumped and he sighed, "Olivia...what?"
She shook her head admently, "I don't deserve you Elliot. Not in a million years and there will always be part of me that will question why you want me." He went to protest, "Please don't go into the list again...I love you for wanting to. But it's just part of me El...I'm sorry."
Elliot sighed and moved past her, causing her to shudder, "Liv...I'm not even going to argue with you on that last part. I'm never going to be able to change your mind. I realize that...it kills me but I can't." He looked over at her and shrugged, "But the other stuff? The big wedding?" He shook his head, "I don't care about any of that either. I sure as hell don't like 230 people...and I know they sure as hell don't like me."
She couldn't help but laugh, "Elliot…"
Smiling at her he said honestly, "If you tell me you want to get married in the backyard, in our sweats I'll say sign me up." He said with a smirk, "I don't really care. I mean...I'd like at least for my Priest to marry us. That is important to me. But if you aren't comfortable-"
"I think we need to make compromises." She said cutting him off, "I understand and respect that that is important to you. I think...I think I'd be okay with that."
Elliot licked his lips and stepped closer to her again, "Okay...well as far as the other stuff...it doesn't matter. Whatever you want to do is fine."
Olivia sighed, "I don't know what I want…" He flinched again and she stumbled forward, "About the wedding ceremony...not the marriage. Not the marriage." He nodded once, "I mean...obviously your kids, your Mom, our friends at work."
Elliot nodded, "I think it should be small. And I'm okay with that. In fact I'd prefer it. Less fuss. It should be about us. Not other people. I don't need to spend the day saying hi to people I don't even really care about. It should be all about you and me, and my kids." He paused and smiled and corrected himself, "Our kids."
His words let her relax slightly, "I...I like that."
"Flowers, cake, pick whatever you like." He said with a smile, cradling her face, "As far as your dress…" He looked her up and down, "Liv you could wear a plastic bag and I'd still think I was the luckiest son of a bitch to ever walk the earth."
She sighed and leaned into him, "El…"
"I understand everything that you were saying. I do...and I'm sorry I didn't consider talking to you about...your parents." He shook his head, "But I meant what I said...I'm your family. The kids...you and me. You have a family now. We just need to do these things together."
"Together…" She whispered softly, "El...I'm so, so sorry." He pulled her close and she instinctively wrapped her arms around his waist and snuggled into his embrace.
Wrapping his hands in her hair, he kissed the top of her head, "I know that you weren't sure why you were upset...but I need you to talk to me. Even if you don't know why you are upset. Just tell me that you're struggling with something and we'll figure it out together." He felt her nod against his neck, "We can do this. I know we can."
Pressing a kiss under his ear she pulled away, "I know we can too."
His eyes studied her face and he pushed a strand a hair from her face, "If you want to wait…"
She shook her head again, "I don't want to wait. But do we want a winter wedding?" She asked.
Elliot shrugged and shook his head, "Not necessarily...New York in the Winter can be a bit depressing."
"I agree." She whispered, "But...I'm not sure the kids are going to let us wait too long. Especially for the adoption…"
"Well there's no one that says we can't do that before the wedding." He said with a shrug, "We could get a jump on that and then wait until we have some nicer weather to get married." He smiled at her, "Wherever you want…"
Resting her head against his she breathed him in, "El…"
"I mean it Liv. Other than the Priest...I don't care about anything else. Tell me when and where and I'll show up." He said with a smirk, "As long as I know that you want to be married…"
"I do." She whispered softly, "I do. So much."
Holding her face in his hands, he kissed her softly, "Well alright then. You know your line so that's a good sign." He felt her laugh again and it made him relax.
Pulling back she whispered, "Summer." He gave her a little smile, "Better weather...maybe early summer?"
His face softened and he nodded, "Summer…"
"But you're right…" She whispered, "I don't want to wait to adopt the kids." She pulled him closer, "They don't want to wait...and neither do I."
Elliot beamed at her, "Okay."
Biting her lip, she smoothed back the shirt on his chest, "El…"
"I know." He whispered, tilting her chin up so she would face him, "I love you too. It's going to be okay." He kissed her again and nuzzled her close, needing physical contact. His hands slid up and down her back, desperate to feel her as close as possible. "Liv...the kids are gone for the night and-"
She smiled and started to walk him back towards the bed, confident that he ahd heard her and they were heading in the right direction. "Practice for the wedding night?"
Elliot beamed at her and pulled her down onto the bed, "Hell yes…"
There were still decisions to be made, things to talk through. But for now, they were both content in knowing they were on the same page. There would be a wedding. A wedding on their terms, no one else's. And until then...they'd figure it out together.