April 4th: Tris

The past 3 nights I've slept horribly. Every dream I have is plagued with visions of Tobias and I arguing, us breaking up, him finally realizing that I'm selfish and that he's too good for me.

We haven't spoken atall since our fight a couple days ago. I spent the whole weekend moping around. I texted him a couple times, called even more, but no response.

My family could definitely tell something was up with me. Usually I spend entire weekends at Tobias's side, so it's definitely easy for them to notice when we're fighting. My parents know about Wellington already, they were actually the ones who encouraged me to apply, though I remember my father's word of caution when he told me to be honest with Tobias about this whole process.

I didn't listen to him. In retrospect, I probably should have, but I was too scared of what Tobias's reaction would be. I didn't realize that by putting that conversation off for so long, it would make his reaction the worst it could possibly be.

Now, today is school, so there's no avoiding anything. Tobias and I have a couple classes together, and we eat lunch in the same group, too. I'm just praying he doesn't continue to give me the cold shoulder.

"Well, well, look who finally decided to eat with us," my father muses, closing his newspaper as I take a seat in my usual spot at the huge dining table.

"Did you get tired of eating those microwaveable meals alone in your room, Beatrice?" My mother asks.

"Could I get a break? It's been a rough weekend," I mutter, scooping fruit onto my plate.

"Will you tell us what you and Tobias have been fighting about, or at least just make up with him already? We want Milo back," Owen states, and all my other siblings nod in agreement.

I sigh. Usually Milo switches between our house and the apartment pretty frequently, but since Tobias and I haven't been speaking, he spent the whole weekend over there. "You can go over there and get him yourself, you know." After all, Tobias isn't pissed at them.

"Sweet, can we go after school mom?" Nathan asks, giving her a hopeful look.

My mom is looking at me with an indiscernible stare. "Sure, boys," she says after a few moments.

They all cheer and I sigh to myself, stabbing at my fruit. I barely have any appetite with how nervous I am to go to school and see Tobias, but still, I force some food down before heading to the kitchen to fill up my water bottle for the day.

I stare at my reflection in the microwave on my way out, and decide to take my hair out of its ponytail and shake it around a bit. I look paler, more tired than I usually am, my cheeks sunken in a bit as well. This weekend definitely took its toll on me, and proved that I really can't be without Tobias.

For love you have to make sacrifices sometimes. So, I know what I'm going to say to Tobias today.

"Hey," Caleb enters the kitchen, "Figured you'd need a ride today since your boyfriend obviously isn't coming to pick you up like usual."

"Caleb!" My mom scolds from the kitchen.

I sigh, and roll my eyes. I'm so used to his blunt remarks that they don't even phase me anymore.

"Sure. That'd be nice," I tell Caleb, brushing past him to make my way out to the car. Let the day begin.

The parking lot is full of students as usual. Usually I'm walking into the school building with Tobias, but if we ever show up separately we make a plan to meet at the front of the school, or if he has lacrosse in the mornings I always head over to the gym or the field to wait for him.

This morning is different. I split apart from Caleb and Nathan, wishing both of them a good day before I head into school alone. Not alone for long, though.

I feel a strong arm wrap around my shoulders, and look up to see Uriah. "Hey, Tris," he greets, ruffling my hair slightly.

I push him away from me playfully, trying to smooth down the tresses that he ruined. "Morning, Uri."

"You look like you could use a coffee. Wanna head over to the cafeteria with me? We still have 20 minutes till class starts."

"Honestly, that'd be great." I tell him gratefully. Getting some caffeine into my system would be nice, and hopefully make whatever happens today easier to bear.

He links his elbow through mine and I giggle, following him over to the cafeteria.

"So," he says, his tone more careful now. "What's uh, up with you and Tobias?"

I frown, removing my elbow from his. "What have you heard?"

"I slept over at Zeke's last night and Tobias was in a piss poor mood. Didn't come out of his room at all except to get some food, and when I asked him where you were he told me to fuck off."

I feel my cheeks growing warm and I shake my head. "Just stuff, Uri. Don't worry about it."

"Okay," he says, shrugging. "But if you need a shoulder to lean on, or anyone to talk to, I'm here."

I smile a little, "I appreciate that."

We enter the large cafeteria. The line in front of the coffee station is long, so I try to make small talk while we wait.

"How's Marlene?" I ask, rocking back and forth on my heels.

"Uh," Uriah hesitates, "We're kind of on an off period right now, I dunno. We're not… necessarily like you and Tobias, or Zeke and Shauna, or even Will and Christina. What we had has always been a little more casual and spontaneous, and mostly just us hooking up."

"Oh," I state, tilting my head to think about it. I guess I knew that Uri and Marlene were never in a super serious relationship, but I didn't think it was an on and off type of thing. "Well, you know, whatever works for you guys. You both deserve to be happy," I tell him, hoping that was the right thing to say. He doesn't really look upset about it or anything.

He smiles slightly, "Thanks, Tris. Obviously I don't really know what's going to happen, I really love her, but sometimes life gets in the way and we both have to pay attention to other things for a while. She's thinking about going to Milan for college, and Jesus, that's so far."

"Milan? Really?"

"Yeah, they have a really good fashion and design school, and that is what she wants to study."

"That is kind of far," I muse. But then again, so is Wellington. I guess it also depends on the couple. "You're thinking about Canadian universities, right?"

"Yeah, I think it'd be a good experience, ya know? But also, Ruby is here, and so is my entire family. I don't really wanna miss out on my niece growing up… so no matter where I end up going, I think I might end up taking a gap year."

"That makes a lot of sense. I know if my mom had had another child this past year, I'd probably want to be close by as well, so I understand wanting to be close to your family. It was really hard for Leo to be all the way in Japan when Anna was growing up."

Uriah smiles faintly, "You get it, Tris. My mom thinks it's a waste to take a gap year, that I'm just pushing away all my responsibilities, which isn't the main reason why but that honestly may be a small part of it. I also just feel like I need some time to figure out what I really want to do. The world is honestly kind of fucked, sending us into it when we're only 18 and telling us we need to get a career and start living an adult life so soon. I just wish it would all slow down."

"I think those are both really good reasons to want a break," I say faintly.

He shoots me an appreciative smile. After we finally get our coffees we head over to first period together. We both have English, and Tobias happens to be in this class as well. The three of us usually sit together. I swallow nervously as I think about what's going to happen today.

Uriah notices the look on my face before we walk into the room together. "It's going to be okay, Tris. Just chill out."

I exhale a little and nod my head, taking a long sip from my coffee. "Yes. Okay. Let's go."

"Oh, shit, hey," Uriah says glancing up to someone else.

I look to see who he's talking to, and my stomach does somersaults when I see that it's Tobias, entering the classroom at the same time we are. His backpack is slung awkwardly over his shoulder, and he's wearing a midnight t-shirt that matches his eyes.

We exchange looks with one another at the same time and he looks away just as fast. I feel like a stone has dropped low into my stomach.

"Hi," he says carefully, his eyes on Uriah the whole time.

I internally sigh. Looking at him closer I can tell he looks as awful as I feel. Don't get me wrong, he's still gorgeous, but the dark circles lining his eyes and the fact that his hair looks like he just rolled out of bed without running a comb through it tells me that this fight has affected him just as much as it has me. God, I don't even want to know how much of a mess I look like right now.

"Ran into Tris as she was walking in and we decided to grab coffee together. Surviving Kang's class isn't going to be easy, it never is first thing in the morning." Uriah claps a hand on my shoulder amicably and I notice Tobias's eyes flash with annoyance… and jealousy?

"You 3 are blocking the doorway." I turn and see Molly Atwood giving all of us a flat stare with her arms folded. For once I'm glad for her poor mood as it saved me from a semi awkward situation.

I walk into class sheepishly, followed by Uriah, and then Tobias.

I decide to take a seat at my regular spot, which is in between Uriah and Tobias. Uriah, also takes his regular spot, so that leaves Tobias's usual empty seat next to me. Of course there are a few other empty seats in the room that he could also take…

I hold my breath as I watch him glance at the seat for a few moments, and nearly exhale from relief when he gingerly sits down, pulling his notebook from his bag.

There's still a couple minutes till the final bell, and all of us are just sitting in awkward silence. Where any other day would be filled with Tobias and I being our usual selves around each other and Uriah talking so much that he wouldn't even notice the second bell, all of us just sit still.

I decide to break the silence with Tobias. "Um, the boys have been missing Milo. They're planning on dropping by your apartment after school to pick him up, if that's okay with you."

Tobias doesn't respond for a few seconds, he just continues looking forward, the muscle in his jaw flexing slightly. I'm incredibly worried that he's just not going to answer me, but finally he says, "There's no need for that."

"No?"

"I can just drop him off after school today."

I feel hope blooming in my chest at his words. "Uh, great. Do you wanna stay for a movie or something?"

He shakes his head, folding his fingers over each other. "I don't really think I'll be staying around for long. Got some errands to run, so I can probably only drop him off."

I feel something inside me deflate. "Oh."

He lifts a shoulder, "Sorry."

I turn back towards my desk, and make side eye contact with Uriah, who pats my knee comfortingly. I understand Tobias being angry, but why is he being so icy towards me? This honestly isn't fair. I gave him his space this weekend, and I know what I did was wrong, but now it's time to talk about things, because that's what you do in a relationship.

I turn back towards my boyfriend, "Hey, can we at least talk about this instead of you having this weird demeanor towards me?" I hiss.

For the first time today, he turns and makes full eye contact with me. I notice the tips of his ears turning slightly pink. "I told you I needed time."

"And I gave you plenty of that. But we can't just… continue like this."

"Well I don't know what you want me to do, we're in fucking English class, Tris."

"We weren't when I called and texted you a dozen times this weekend!"

He closes his eyes for a few seconds and exhales. "Okay… how about lunch? We can go off campus to Shake Shack."

I feel my lips curve into a small smile, glad that we are finally getting somewhere. "Sounds good."

The ride over to the Shake Shack in Tobias's car was slightly awkward. We didn't speak much, or play any music either.

I feel an odd sense of nostalgia when we walk through the doors of the restaurant. This was where I held Tobias's hand for the very first time, over a year ago. I remember how scared I was to do it, too, and then the pure happiness I felt when he squeezed my hand back.

I don't think I ever imagined us getting to the place we are now. Everything we've been through won't all be for nothing. I love him and he loves me and it has been that way all along… we're meant to be, and I would never make any decision if I knew it was going to jeopardize our future together.

Tobias tells me he's going to order first, so I nod, standing behind him in line. I sigh when I hear him order my food as well, and then press my lips together when he pays for both of our meals.

"You didn't have to do that," I state as we walk over to a booth.

"Some way to show your gratitude."

"I'm just saying I can pay for my own shit."

"I know you can, but I can also pay for your shit, so I'm gonna." He shrugs, ending the discourse right there.

I look down at the table as I contemplate how to get out the words I want to say to him. I just need to… say it to him straight. He deserves honesty, and to know my true feelings.

"I'm gonna stay in the US," I say in one breath.

"You should go to Wellington," he says at the same time.

My eyebrows shoot into my hairline, "What?"

He looks equally surprised at what I said, but he continues, "I realized… that if I really love you, I would support your dreams no matter what. I want to see you flourish, Tris, to do whatever you want to do and be amazing at it. If going to Wellington will make that happen, then I support you no matter what."

I feel a lump forming in my throat at his words, and I swallow it down. "Tobias, I'm not going to do that. You said the other day that I was your dream, and I want you to know that I feel the same way about you. For love, you make sacrifices, you always put the other person first. And I know how selfish I was in not telling you about my plans… I genuinely have no excuse for that and I am so, so sorry. But I don't want to create any unnecessary distance between us. You're it for me, and I can't imagine my world without you in it."

He opens his mouth to respond but is interrupted by an employee at the counter calling out our number. He apologizes and slides out of the booth to grab our food, leaving me there with my heart hammering in my chest. When he returns, sliding my tray in front of me, I have no urge to touch my food until I hear a response.

"Look, let's say potentially you get in," he begins, staring at me seriously. "You would reject that outrageous opportunity for me? I don't want you to have to do that, you would probably spend forever resenting me and thinking about what could have been, and I'll have to live with knowing that I kept you back from something you really wanted to do. That isn't the key to us being happy either."

"So you… want to break up? If I get in?" What if he did realize how he was wasting his time with me this weekend, and this is his way to have a nice clean break with me.

His face scrunches up instantly, "What? No."

Relief floods through me and I offer him a small smile, picking at one of my fries. "It's going to be hard to keep up a relationship on two different continents, Tobias," I point out.

"I know that… I do. But we don't even know if you've gotten in, or if you're going yet and you have a lot of other options. I'm just saying, I don't want you to rule anything out or feel guilty for wanting to go somewhere because of me. Obviously the decision affects both of us, but wherever you want to go, we'll work it out."

"Tobias… you don't have to be so good about all of this. I was wrong in keeping it from you, and I was selfish-"

"While I wish you had told me… you were also right. I was so focused on us going to Duke together that I never even stopped to ask you what you wanted to do. I just… assumed. Assumed you'd want to follow me. Which is dumb, and unfair. We both… fucked up, Tris. But we can move past it, yeah?"

"Yeah. I mean… I don't know what I really want, either. The thought of being apart from you fucking sucks more than anything, and with Wellington I really just wanted to exercise my options. But I just… It is really helpful, knowing that you're supportive of me, and we can be more honest with each other through this process moving forward."

"Yeah, I would really like that," he answers softly. "Whatever happens, wherever we both end up going, I never want to lose you."

"I never want to lose you, either," I answer, holding his gaze meaningfully. There's so much love and care in his eyes, and I can only hope I'm reciprocating it equally, because it's what I feel. So much.

Tobias and I may have different paths ahead of us, but it doesn't mean we still won't be with each other in spirit. He'll always be a part of me, that much I'm certain of.

"So now I guess we wait and see what happens," he states.

"Yeah, now we wait." I reach across the table to grab his hand, squeezing it gently. Just that one point of contact after these few days apart brings me so much relief. We've made it this far, and we're both still in it for the long haul.

Things are going to be alright.

Sorry about the long wait. Life is as busy as ever, I'm attending school in person again, my family is moving houses, I'm getting my first dose soon, and it's my birthday weekend :) Lots to do but I've been writing this chapter for a couple weeks now, it was just difficult to piece some of it together and I had things to do that I had to prioritize over this story sadly.

I'll try to have chapter 4 up soon, it would mean the world if you left a review with your thoughts. Thank you for the continued support.

-Kiki