Author's note

WARNING - There is some sexually transgressive behaviour in this chapter. It's nothing too explicit (I think), but I'd still like you to be warned!

For those reading, I hope you enjoy it so far. I'm planning to turn this in quite a long story, so I'd be honoured to have some readers that stay along for the ride (and maybe even leave some feedback (: )

Bioware owns the characters, I only borrow them

Chapter 3 - And to the Fade you shall return

No... NO! This could not be true. Alex shut her eyes tightly, trying to wish the boy standing in front of her away. When she opened them again, he was of course still there. How was this possible? He was- She had- No, there was no way that this was the same person she had last seen all those years ago.

Somehow reading her mind, Dairren negated her fragile hope. "It is in fact, really me." He smiled sadly.

"How?" Was all Alex could muster to say.

"What, because you killed me you mean?" came his reply.

Alex, unable to do anything else, just nodded weakly.

"Well, you didn't, obviously," he stated firmly.

She shook her head. "No, that's not possible," was all she could force out. Not a bone in her body wasn't sure that she had killed him. After all, she had replayed the day of her fourteenth birthday over and over in her mind over the years that had followed. Getting consumed by guilt every time she remembered it.

"Tell me, what do you recall happened that day?"

No, she wasn't always able to stop the memories raging through her mind, but she sure as hell never talked about it. Not to anyone, so she wouldn't start now by talking about it to the very person that horrific event was all about. "Please, don't make me relive it."

"You have to if you want to understand what happened, what really happened." He grabbed her hand and the moment he did, the world around her changed. They were no longer in the mystical surroundings of the Fade, they were... Home?

She couldn't believe her eyes, because she was unmistakably in the gardens of Cousland Castle in Highever. She would recognize her mother's white rose bushes everywhere and now they were right in front of her. Her hand went up to touch the patels of one of the blossoming white roses, when Dairren's voice sounded. "You can't touch anything."

As her hand fell back to the side of her body, he added, "I'm sorry. We're not really here, I just took you here in a memory to show you the events that occurred that day. Look, there we are!"

Alex looked in the direction of Dairren's pointed finger and saw to her disbelief a younger version of herself coming out of the castle's back exit and walking into the rose garden.

Her younger self was talking enthusiastically to the boy beside her, who was of course Dairren. He, however, looked exactly the same as the version of him she just encountered in the Fade.

"How are you doing this?" she asked; her curiosity spiked in spite of the terrible turn she knew the display before here would take in a moment.

"As a mage, you know how. Everything here in the Fade exists by expression of thought. I can show you whatever I desire, but what I'm about to show you is the truth." He looked towards the castle's stable, where the young Alex and Dairren had just disappeared into. "Shall we?"

Alex heard her fourteen year old version giggle from within the stable. She remembered how happy she had been at first. After a year of having a crush on her brother's cute friend, he had finally kissed her. It had been her first kiss and on her birthday nonetheless. It had happened in a secretive corridor of Cousland Castle, just outside from the ballroom where all kinds of people had gathered to celebrate her birthday. Then he had taken her hand and had led her further away from the party, all the way through her mother's rose garden and into the stable where her present self had just seen them disappear into.

She followed Fade-Dairren towards the stable without saying anything. Once they had gotten inside, she saw the scene play out exactly the way she recalled it. She saw herself, excited and skittish at the same time, because two years-older Dairren was showing interest in her. In that young girl's world he was already a man and she was only a stupid child. However, he was looking only at her and giving her all of her first romantic experiences.

Then she saw Dairren, switching from just kissing her sweetly on the mouth to trailing kisses in her neck. She saw how his hands went from gently cupping her face to roughly grabbing the fabric of her dress. She saw how her young self's expression changed from ignorant bliss to a more and more panicked grimace as she tried to get the boy to stop.

"I know nothing can make up for the way I acted as a foolish teenage boy, but for whatever it's worth, I truly am sorry." Though Fade-Dairren's voice sounded genuine, she didn't know what to reply to that, so instead she kept silent and watched the scene before her.

The young girl started to beg, but her assaulter didn't listen. He continued to touch her in all kinds of places she really didn't want him to. Alex hands balled into fists as she remembered how distraught she had felt. She had felt powerless up until the moment something within her had shifted. Without knowing why, something inside of her had said that she had to stop trying to get away and instead had to put her hands on him.

And so she had obliged. She had given in to that strange internal voice and did what Alex saw happening right in front of her now. Her younger self grabbed Dairren by his arms and the moment she touched him, a power surge went through her. At the same time, Dairren went numb under her touch and fell to the ground like one of her ragged dolls.

Her present self turned away now, not wanting to see the utter desperation that would soon wash over the fourteen year old Alex. She didn't want to see her father coming into the stable, trying to make sense of the situation and wanting to comfort her while only making her panic more. She did hear how her younger self ran out of the stable, her father calling after her and following in close pursuit.

Angrily she turned her attention to the Dairren still standing up straight, "I thought you brought me here to show me that I didn't kill you. This only confirms that I did."

"No, you only thought that you killed me, as you did not understand your powers yet. Rather than killing me, you transported my mind into the fade. Leaving my body asleep, look."

"That's ridiculous, they would have check-" Before she could finish her sentence she saw the chest of the Dairren laying on the floor move up and down at a steady pace. No! This could not be true. Surely someone would have checked that the boy was really dead before they put him into a casket right? Right?! Or...they hadn't in all the chaos that had ensued and it was all a big misunderstanding and she had, in fact, never killed a person?

Fade-Dairren looked contently at her and before she could blink, they were back in the Fade. Well, because they never had left, they were back in the same spot as before their 'trip to Highever'.

"Now that you know that you didn't murder a teenage boy, you can forgive yourself. I know that this is what you desire above all else, to rid yourself of the guilt and to redeem yourself."

She felt a sudden hope rise in her body at these words. She could finally be released of the guilt that had weighed on her those past years... but how?

Dairren seemed to know how to answer that question. "All you have to do is help me get out of this place. Since I am no mage, I haven't been able to leave on my own. All the spirits I encountered only helped me hide myself better, but no one could set me free." The hope on his face mirrored her own. "Until you, I know that a skillful mage such as yourself will have no problems undoing the spell you did. Will you help me? All you have to do is take my hand and let me in."

Just as she wanted to reach out her hand to take his, she suddenly became very aware of the Cousland medaillon around her neck. It somehow had begun to feel different against her naked skin, like it wanted her to focus her attention on it for a moment. It made her aware of the here and now... of what she was doing... what had she been doing?

The Harrowing! She had lost sight of it during her trip down not-so-happy memory lane and had gotten wrapped up in what Dairren was offering her... that what she knew she was skillful enough to do... that what she desired most...

Pride and desire. All at once her mind became clear, she hadn't even realized that it had become somewhat foggy, and she recognized the boy standing before her for what it was; a demon.

"No", she said forcefully.

"Wh- what?" The demon boy looked at her in astonishment. Apparently he had already considered it to be a done deal.

She bore her blue-brown eyes into his as she spoke her next words extra carefully. "I'm starting to think that rage demon wasn't my true test after all."

'Dairren' started to sound more frantic as he saw his grip on her loosen. "What? What are you-? Of course it was! Now you have to help me get back and stop wasting time! You've been in here for quite some time now, the templars will kill you if you don't hurry!"

"If that's what they have to do, then so be it. I will never let you in, demon." Her voice sounded exactly as determined as she felt. To emphasize her persistence, she crossed her arms and raised one eyebrow as if she was saying 'sooo, you're stuck here, sorry not sorry'. In the meanwhile she kept in mind she would have to be ready to fight in an instant, since battling a pride demon was no easy feat.

Much to her surprise, the demon didn't get angry nor attacked her. Instead it smiled a wicked grin at her. "You're a smart one. Simply killing is a warrior's job. The real dangers of the Fade are the preconceptions, careless trust... pride. Keep your wits about you, mage."

With that, the demon disappeared before her eyes. As a sudden darkness encompassed her she heard it speak some last advice to her, "Remember: true tests never end."

"Alex?"

No, not again! "Die, demon!" Alex shouted as she shot up, her hands already crackling with lightning as she made herself ready to release some thunderbolts into the direction the voice was coming from.

"By the Maker, calm yourself dear!" a second voice sounded.

Wait, that didn't seem like the words of the demon she had been talking with. Besides, now that she was sitting up straight, her surroundings didn't look like the Fade anymore. No, she appeared to be in her bed in the Apprentice Quarters.

At her bedside were her two best friends; Brianni had a worried look on her face, while Emilia looked more annoyed. Maybe that had to do with the fact that she still had her hands readied to attack. Well in her defense, Highever had felt real as well. "Uhm, how do I know I'm not still in the Fade?"

The elf opened her mouth, but before she could try to reassure her friend, the raven-haired girl had already made up a plan of her own. She rapidly pinched Alex's face three times and then stepped back with her hands on her hips. "Does this feel real enough for you?"

"Oww! alright alright," Alex replied while rubbing her face. "I believe you." Then the realization hit her. "Wait a minute... I'm out of the Fade and... I'm not dead. Does that mean..."

"You passed your Harrowing!" yelled Brianni at the same time Emilia screamed "You're an all grown up, freaking mage-woman!" Then they both crushed her in the tightest embrace.

She happily hugged them back. It felt like eons had passed since she last saw them before her Harrowing. She had however no clue how much time had really gone by. "How long was I gone for?" she asked once the girls had let go of her.

"Cullen said it was the quickest, cleanest Harrowing ever!" Brianni beamed at her.

"Yeah, apparently you completed your Harrowing in record time, you're such a nerd." Even though she was mocking her friend, Emilia couldn't have been more proud.

Heh, Alex thought, who could have guessed? Apparently time passed by slower in the Fade and she hadn't spent as much time there after all.

"So..." Emilia started on a more serious note. "What was it like?"

"Em! You know you can't ask her about it. She is not allowed to tell us anything!" the elven girl replied in her place.

"Stop being such an stupid saint all the time, we're her best friends, she can tell us a little about it," Emilia argued. "Can't you Alex?"

Well of course she could, she just wasn't sure she wanted to. The Harrowing had been far more personal than she had expected and she wasn't ready to go into details about it. Still, she understood her friend's desire to know more about the secret test so she told just enough to satisfy her, without telling anything explicit about her own experience.

The elf showed her obvious disapproval by crossing her arms and looking the other way. However, as much as she pretended not to listen, Alex saw her long ears twitch every now and then at her story. Naturally she was just as curious about it as Emilia, if not more so. Alex couldn't imagine having to anticipate the Harrowing for fifteen years... she hoped for both her friend's sake as her own that they would soon be able to join her in the Senior Mage Quarters.

Speaking of which... "I'm supposed to move now, aren't I?" she asked the girls once they were finished talking about the Harrowing.

"Yeah, you are finally leaving us paupers behind to go live among your fellow mighty mages," Emilia said. Her voice sounded cheery, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. The two of them had been roommates for five years after all.

Alex had mixed feelings about leaving her old room behind as well. Even now, she could vividly remember her first few nights in the tower. How she had cried continuously, because she had just lost her home, her family and, above all, herself. At least that was what it had felt like after the tragedy with Dairren and discovering she was a mage. Only after the Amell girl had become her roommate, had Alex gotten more comfortable in her life as a member of the Circle of Magi. Eventually she had even grown to love their tiny room.

"You can come and go anytime you like. There are surprisingly no rules that forbid you to come to my floor" Alex said to both girls.

"Oh it is your floor already? How rapidly you distance yourself from us lowly apprentices." Emilia put her hand dramatically against her forehead.

Alex rolled her eyes and gave her friend a little shove. "Allright, quit the drama and help me pack already."

Brianni, who had watched the playful banter between her friends with a fond smile on her face, suddenly remembered something. "Oh I totally forgot about this! I was supposed to tell you to see Irving as soon as you woke up."

"Oh, I expected as much", Alex replied. She had last seen Irving last night before her Harrowing and assumed the First Enchanter would want to officially declare her a fully fledged mage.

"Allright off you go to your first important mage meeting. Brianni can start packing some of your stuff, you know how amazing she is at folding," Emilia chimed in.

"And what is it you are going to do?" Brianni asked reluctantly.

"Well if you really must know, I'm going to see you-know-who. He told me he really needed to see me, so you both know what that means," the raven-haired mage replied. A suggestive smile crept on her face.

"You absolutely don't have to do anything Bree, I can do it all when I come back," Alex said with a salty look towards her other friend. Then she hastily made her way towards the door; when she was already halfway through it, she yelled over her shoulder, "Until I come back and officially move upstairs, this is still my room. So you better not meet with Jowan here."

She really really really didn't want to walk in on her roommate with that boy again.

While approaching Irving's office, several loud voices could be heard coming from within the room. The two arguing voices she recognized, since they unmistakably belonged to the First Enchanter and Knight-Commander. There was however a third voice, also male, that cut in every now and then. It was a strong and decisive voice, even as it didn't sound as agitated as the other two.

Once Alex came up to the doorframe, she lingered hesitantly. Inside were indeed Irving and Ser Greagoir accompanied by an unknown third party. The men were caught up in their quite heated argument, not noticing the girl at all. She had no idea if she should interrupt or just return at a later time.

The most angry of the three was without a doubt Ser Greagoir, the vain in his neck pulsing dangerously as he spat, "Many have already gone to Ostagar. Wynne, Uldred, and most of the senior mages. We've committed enough of our own to this war effort!"

Alex couldn't suppress a snort when Greagoir referred to those other Mages as 'our own'. She had already noticed that some of the familiar faces she saw everyday were missing, but she hadn't known where they were off too and what the templar was talking about now.

Unfortunately the sound she had made was loud enough for the men to turn and see her standing in the doorway.

Ser Greagoir shot her an irritated look, while Irving's face lit up instead. The third man eyed her with an unreadable expression.

"Care to explain what you think is so funny about this situation, little girl?" Ser Greagoir's voice sounded condescending as always.

Alex suspected that the Knight-Commander didn't despise her personally, but he had a deeply rooted distrust for all powerful mages, and it would therefore be better not to provoke the man further. Much to her disadvantage, her proud Cousland nature wasn't very helpful with holding her tongue.

Instead she replied sweetly, "I'm sorry, I was just surprised about the use of the word 'own' by our Knight-Commander. I guess I wasn't fully aware of the kinship the Templars feel towards us mages."

Irving didn't seem to mind her boldness and used it as an opportunity to get his own point across. "My new Sister in the Circle has a point, Greagoir. Or is it that you are afraid to let the mages use their maker-given powers without Chantry supervision?"

Ser Greagoir's glare would have obliterated Alex where she stood if it had held the power to do so. Instead he just spat, "How dare you suggest something so outrageous. We'll discuss this subject further, Irving, once you are done dealing with this child." With that he stormed past her and out of the room.

Irving just shook his head, looking awfully tired all of a sudden. Nonetheless a proud smile crept on his face when he looked back at her and his voice sounded cheerful as he congratulated her on her latest accomplishment. "The Harrowing is behind you and you are now an official member within the Circle of Magi." He dragged her into the room and patted her shoulder forcefully. "And not just any member. You set a new record and therefore share great promise. This is why I want to introduce you to Duncan; he is of the Grey Wardens."

The man held out a strong, tanned hand and as Alex shook it, she couldn't help but notice the roughness of them; real warrior hands.

"A Grey Warden? In the tower?" Alex remembered when she had first heard about the order of the Grey Wardens as if it was yesterday. Her old tutor and the Cousland family's personal historian Aldous had started that day's lesson with telling her about the Blights that were woven through the history of Thedas. He had gone on about Archdemons leading armies of horrific monsters and how they rose from their underground home to spread across the lands on the surface. They destroyed everything in their path, eating their victims or worse; tainting them with their blood in order for them to go crazy and become monsters themselves.

The foreign man, Duncan, was the one to answer her. "Grey Wardens go, wherever duty sends them." He held her gaze, his dark brown eyes piercing into hers.

"Then in what manner brings your duty you to Kinloch Hold, if I may ask?" She half expected him to deny her an answer or to give her some meaningless response. That was what young women like her usually got when talking to important men.

The Grey Warden surprised her when he said, "I'm recruiting mages to join king Cailan at Ostagar in the South. We are in dire need of the power you wield against the darkspawn there. I fear that if we don't drive them back, we may see another Blight."

When Aldous had told her about the Blights back then, she had run out of the classroom, straight to the kennels. She had hidden herself away between the young Marbari puppies, hoping to never be found by the horrors her teacher had talked about.

This is where her father had found her at the end of the day. She had told him, tears streaming down her face, how she didn't want those blighted monstrosities to come to Highever and taint everyone she loved. Her father had calmed her in the way only he could; assuring her that the last Blight had been centuries ago and that there was an order of heroes to save everyone if it ever happened again. To top that he, Bryce Cousland, one of the last two Teyrns in Ferelden, would never allow for any darkspawn to wander into Highever. He just wouldn't allow it and she had believed him. He had started to call her 'pup' from that day forward.

Unfortunately, neither her father nor the Marbari puppies were present at the moment, so all she could do at the Grey Warden's terrifying words was to swallow hard.

The Grand Enchanter noticed her distress and stepped in. "Duncan, you worry the poor girl with talks of darkspawn and Blights. This is a happy day for her. Once she has escorted you to your room, she has the rest of the day free to do whatever she pleases." He winked at her.

"We live in troubled times my friend", Duncan replied. "I would gladly retreat to my room to continue negotiating with you and the Knight-Commander at a later time."

They departed from Irving's office and the first few minutes they walked in silence. There were so many things she wanted to know. Talking about the darkspawn and Blight made her skin crawl, but now she was imagining the worst. It would be better to find out the gravity of the situation.

"Have there been many darkspawn attacks?" she chose to ask.

"It is not uncommon for darkspawn to attack the surface in ragtag bands, but what we see now is a horde... an army. Only an Archdemon is capable of doing that. This horde has been spotted first within the Korcari Wilds in the south. If not stopped, they will come more and more to the north."

She felt a cold shiver go down her spine. An army of monsters... so it was happening. Now she understood why so many of the most powerful enchanters were missing from the tower. They needed to stop that from happening at all costs. "And Ser Greagoir would let something personal get in the way of the war effort?" she scoffed.

They walked in silence again as Duncan seemed to weigh his words carefully. Then he replied, "Ser Greagoir serves the Chantry first and foremost. The relationship between the Chantry and the mages has always been strained." He sighed. "You must have realized by now that the Chantry merely tolerates magic, they watch only because they feel they must."

She rolled her eyes, gaining her a small smile from her companion, "As you've witnessed before, I know. And any mages let out from Chantry supervision are perceived as an even bigger threat."

The Grey Warden nodded. "Any mages who can join the king's army can unleash their full power on the darkspawn. In fact, I'm counting on it. Greagoir may be afraid of what might happen after. What if the mages decided they no longer wanted to be managed by the Chantry?"

His tone stayed extraordinarily neutral during this whole conversation. She could understand why, the mage/templar relation was difficult; she thought so herself as well. Mages outside of the Circle were easy prey for demons and had a bigger risk of becoming abominations. Still she couldn't imagine the man beside her not having an opinion on the matter and her curiosity peaked. "What is your opinion on the matter?"

This time his reply came almost instantly and his voice was definitive, "When the king called on the Circle, only seven mages were sent to Ostagar. I believe we must defeat the darkspawn one way or another. My opinion ends there."

They came at a halt in front of the door of the Grey Warden's guest room. With one hand on the doorknob, he turned to her. He looked at her again with those piercing brown eyes. "I asked king Cailan's permission to come and seek a greater commitment from the Circle. Irving spoke highly of you. I have yet to come to a conclusion, but there is no harm in considering if leaving for the war is something you would even want." With that, he disappeared inside.