Before I begin to Live

(Chexton series)

Chapter 3: Transitions

April was confounded by Cicely and Ethan's love for her. He didn't have to say more than he did, for her to know how much she meant to him. Her love helped shape him… changed him… opened him to the possibilities of life. And her death essentially covered every surface she had broken through. The nurse realized she'd never had a love like that, before Ethan. She had loved a couple of men in her life, and dated more than a few. But her love for Ethan was the only one so deep it changed her, with the exception of the baby she lost. Yet she was not the doctor's first or deepest love, as he was hers, so April wondered what did that mean about his feelings for her. Ethan had told her "he wasn't what she wanted", but she had to wonder was he just deflecting the fact she wasn't what he wanted. She knew he wasn't a liar, so she believed, HE BELIEVED, he loved her, but now that she knew about Cicely, April couldn't help but wonder if he realized he was just looking for a replacement.

"April," she told herself, "this is not about you. Choose to honor his efforts to share and keep reading." Once the pep talks registered, she continued.

"The remaining months after Cicely died could only be characterized as an era of numbness. I did all I could to save, revive, and heal our soldiers, no matter the cost. I'd push myself to go the extra mile, including endangering myself so many times I lost count; however, I never allowed myself to invest in the emotions behind the accompanying dangers. Fear, pain, sorrow- I turned all emotion off. I was a robot and the only thing that mattered was the mission. Unfortunately, for the first few months stateside, I was still that unfeeling robot. Then Emily came to visit me in California and called me out on it. Once she mentioned it, I tried to remember something Cicely told me- 'When we're away, we fight to get back to those we love. And when we're home, we fight to show them the love we have.' Though I never allowed my heart opened as it had been for Cicely, my love for my little sister was undeniable. And I had to keep my last promise to Cice, so I fought to love and live.

I was stationed in California about 4 months when I met Lynn. It was a movie style, random romantic meeting, in a coffee shop of all places. In a hurry to get to work, she spun around and spilled her coffee on me. She was so apologetic and took my info to pay for my dry cleaning. I, of course told her it wasn't necessary, but she insisted. I continued to reject her offer to reimburse me for my cleaning, so she insisted I allow her to take me to dinner. She had to be accountable for her mistake, so she needed to do something. Honestly, I found her insistence familiar, because I would've done the same. So I agreed.

During dinner I discovered we didn't have many things in common. Lynn was a paralegal for a local law firm, who dreamed of being Atticus Finch, but not the drive to achieve it. She enjoyed making lotions, scrapbooking, and cooking. I know, not someone most would see me with, but she enjoyed running and rock climbing. Lynn also had a laugh that was contagious enough to make me laugh, and that was a feeling I hadn't experienced in close to a year. After our first dinner, I asked her out again, and she accepted. She was a fun distraction, for the first few months, but then I grew to appreciate having someone around who was nothing like me and totally opposite of Cicely. However, over time, as I listened to her speak about her dreams and aspirations, I would continually encourage her to push herself. I started helping her prepare for the Bar exam. I encouraged her to run a marathon. In all things, I encouraged her to strive higher. Now that I look back, though we were together a total of about 9 months, she had stopped smiling like she did when we first met, around month 4. I thought I had stopped being the robot, but it seems I was a robot brain, artificial heart, in a human body with a soul. I needed a mission, and she became mine; which was the reason she gave for cheating on me the last 2 months of our relationship. She said my constant pushing felt more like I thought of her as a project, not a girlfriend. According to her, I was secretive, as I wouldn't share my nightmares with her and it made her feel like I didn't trust her. My 'encouragement' made her feel like I was trying to make her into someone else; which apparently was Cicely, because she said I called her that name when I was encouraging her to try to go up a rock wall faster. I knew she wasn't lying because I never shared my past with Cice. She said, she felt too much pressure to be with me, and after months of trying to get me to hear her, she chose to spend time with someone who saw and accepted her- not the foundation of what he wanted her to be. She had one regret, not being strong enough to tell me she was unhappy, before starting something with another man. And with an indifferent goodbye, Lynn thanked me for showing her what she did not want in a relationship. She wished I find what I was searching for, although she warned no woman would be Cicely, so I needed to decide if I wanted to have a life in the future or relive my past life in my mind."

Once again, April couldn't help the pang in her gut. She could understand Lynn's perspective, but Ethan hadn't really been that way with her, except about the baby. He was in a bad place when he was with Lynn, but he was better when he was with her, so she could understand how her kiss with Crockett was so much more hurtful. He thought he was healed and chose to love again, yet this woman cheated on him too. April knew it wasn't about him, but one thing she needed to do was make sure he knew that, no matter what. Sipping her tea and preparing dinner, the nurse continued.

"So, here I was, trying to be a real boy, and finding out I wasn't fit for a relationship. Fortunately, orders came in and I didn't have to be a real person- I could just be a soldier, and that's what I did. I lost many friends and patients in Afghanistan, but the worst of those 15 months was the little girl I call 'Sleeping Angel'. April, I know I told you I would tell you why those were the words I would cry out in my sleep, but I never did. You were right. 'Sleeping Angel' was a little girl who arrived at our station in her mother's arms. The woman had walked for miles to bring her daughter to us to make her well, but the little girl looked pristine. She was like a sleeping doll, not even a scratch on her, yet she was dead. Her insides had been pulverized by the waves of one of our bombs and her mother wouldn't accept it. Seeing this beautiful little girl, I could instantly imagine her laughing and skipping; enjoying life and making it better for everyone around her. Her little face tore open every hidden vault within me and I was once again broken. All the emotions came rushing back. It was then I decided to leave active duty and only serve when no one else was left. I needed to find a way to make others' lives better- not worry about mine. It just so happens I was assigned one of the country's domestic war zones- Chicago.

After acclimating to life with non-soldiers, I found myself not as hard (though some wouldn't agree) and more willing to just be. Its then that I met a beautiful woman named Dr. Vicki Glass. Vicki was a feminine version of me. She was spirited and knowledgeable; strong and opinionated; accomplished and military. She understood, without me having to explain, the pull and mindset that comes along with being a soldier, but I wouldn't even share things with her. Though we were alike, I chose to keep my secret pains and hurts to myself. Not sure I can explain why, but I just didn't. I would evade her questions and probes, deflecting to other topics and she would go along. But Vicki also knew the importance of placing service over a relationship, so the first time, we ended things when she was deployed overseas. To my good fortune, while she was gone, you and I became friends and grew closer. I was impressed and intrigued by this intelligent nurse, who seemed to be a loving safe space for almost everyone. You made me not miss the comfortability of Vicki, and explore parts of myself I hadn't in years. But I guess fate had different plans."

Doris's statement of April not being able to compete with Vicki, echoed in her head. Though she didn't want to believe it, once again she questioned whether she was a space filler for Ethan or did he really want her.

"When I woke to find Vicki at my bedside, I was surprised. I honestly thought it would've been you. I know we'd been through some difficult times, but I thought we still cared for each other. But then to see you weren't there, I was hurt. Although I tried to reason that you were doing what we're obligated to do, take care of others, I was hurt I wasn't important enough for you to fight for me. So, though I wasn't sure Vicki was my life changing love, I knew we were good together and it was easy to be with her. Vicki was a good woman, who could add to anyone's life, but she was always insecure about you. She saw firsthand how fighting with you and not being friends was affecting me. Vicki never said anything specific, but I believe what she observed was why, she knew you were the reason I couldn't meet her parents. After that night, I took some time to consider why I couldn't make it work with someone who seemed perfectly fit for me. It just didn't make sense. Then I got a random call that changed everything. Mrs. Townsend said I had been on her mind for a while and she wanted to check on me. I swear it was like I was having a therapy session with Dr. Charles- I reluctantly spilled my guts. I told her what had happened with us and Vicki, as well as my confusion as to why I wasn't driven to work it out with her.

"Well Ethan, sometimes you have to decide whether you want a good life or your best life. It sounds like this Vicki was compatible to your life and actions, but maybe not your desires."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when you speak about her, she seems like your 'on-paper' match, right. She's military, smart, strong, beautiful, a doctor, etc. She'd understand things without you having to explain, yet you didn't share with her. She was a woman you could make a good life with, but not one that made you excited to be alive." I couldn't do anything but agree… she was correct. "When you decide to have your best life, you don't want someone who matches you. You want someone who complements you. They're strong where you're weak, so your partnership is stronger as a whole. That's what has kept my husband and I together through years of ups and downs. Though we don't always see eye to eye, we both learn and grow, when we work together. I want to be the best person for who he is and a fitting match of who he'll become. He makes me strive to be my best and he does the same. So, which woman makes you want to be the best version of you?"

I knew the second she asked. "April. I want to be more… to be whole… better for her and our future."

Mrs. T chuckled softly. "Well I hope one day to be able to meet her."

April, I wrote you this letter, because I didn't want to live with regret any longer. I needed you to know how I got to this place in my life and why I am the way I am. I wanted you to know all of me and I needed you to know how I truly felt about you.

I love you and I want to be with you, but only if you want me too. Your actions make me wonder if you really want to be with me. Knowing you kissed Crockett, imaging his lips on yours, hurts me in ways I can't put into words. I believe you when you say nothing else happened, but can you understand why it's hard to believe? I know how irresistible you are, so I can imagine how difficult it is for him to not be with you. But maybe you want to be with him. That's one of my questions. Do you want to be with him? Or anyone at all? But most importantly, do you love me? Do you want me? Do you see us making a life together? I need to know why things happened and how you feel, if we have any shot of getting past this. I'd would like to sit and talk this out, maybe over dinner, sometime this week, if you want to try to work through it. If not, then I'll take your refusal as the answer to all my questions and cherish what was and move on. I'll be awaiting your decision.

Love, Ethan."

April wiped the tear from her cheek. He still loved her, but she hurt him and she knew that wasn't going to be easy to get over, if ever. She owed him a decision and the truth, but right now she had to get ready for work.

When Ethan arrived in C/T, he ran into Connor but not April. He'd just missed her and his shift was starting. Ethan consulted the night shift and reviewed charts, while he waited for a new emergency.

"Dr. Choi, can you come here a minute?" Maggie asked. Ethan joined her to find April in the lounge.

"Hi," she replied, greeting him with a tired smile. He could see from her eyes she was tired, but he was so happy she chose to wait around for him. "I know you have to start your day, and I'm so tired," she giggled. "Anyway, I wanted to give you these and answer one of your questions." In her hands were a ring box and a letter addressed to him.

Ethan's heart dropped at the sight of the box. "April, uh…," he stuttered, "can we talk abou…", he started but was interrupted.

"Ethan, I would love to have dinner to talk things over," she paused and then looked squarely at him. "I want to talk, but I have my first surgery, so this week isn't good. How's Sunday? Maybe a late brunch?" The doctor was still stunned at the ring box being handed to him. Noticing the shocked expression, trying to hide his hurt, April attempted to explain. "Ethan? Listen to me. Look at me." Ethan obeyed. "About the ring, I don't deserve it right now. I would love to keep it, but depending on our conversation, I didn't want it to be harder to return, if you decide there's no way forward." She slowly kissed his cheek, lingering longer than a peck, and then stepped away. "Let me know about Sunday, ok?" she asked as she headed out the door.

"Sunday's good. Lullaby's at 1?"

"Sounds great," she answered as a few curls escaped her bun and she exited with a wave.