The holidays proceeded quickly. Lucy never asked Jane about her love again, but the brunette could see, that it was still occupying her daughter's mind. The night before Christmas they sat on the couch and watched a Christmas movie when Lucy's telephone rang. The girl hit the red button guiding the caller to voicemail. She looked pissed and Jane wondered.

"You lied." Lucy said accusingly when Jane looked curiously.

"I didn't!" Jane responded. Fighting in the small household was always complicated. In addition both women were stubborn and defensive. Both had tendencies to run when it became too hot. But they always managed to get through it.

"Yes, you did!" Lucy shouted and Jane muted the TV.

"What about exactly?" she asked, her eyes keeping on the smoldering ones of her daughter.

"You said that if you loved someone everything would be possible. Yet you gave up and now you say that that it's not possible. What else did you lie about?" Jane didn't understand where this was coming from and shook her head. What she understood though was that Lucy was worried about her and still felt the need to fix things for Jane.

"I don't know what you are talking about!" she firmly said in all honesty. What was this going to become? What lie was Lucy hinting at? Had she found out about her secret? Moreover she was was aware that there was always a point where kids discovered that their parents didn't know everything and weren't perfect. It was a hurtful time for all sides. But this was a bit late for this phase Jane thought while nibbling on her thumb.

"Why can't you be with that person? What circumstances? You are grown up – you can do whatever you want!" Lucy spat and Jane rolled her eyes.

"All right. You want to know the truth? I don't know if she would have loved me. We were best friends. The best friend I've ever had. I never said a word about my feelings because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. When I was ready to open up about it, it was too late, because…." Jane realized what she had said in her rage and stopped. Lucy's eyes were wide open, staring at her.

"She? As in a woman?" she scoffed. Jane rolled her eyes. "Yes, She!" she watched the wheels turn in Lucy's head. She saw how nothing made sense to her girl and wished that she could somehow help her. "And dad?"

"I liked him. We knew each other from school. But the love was only one sided. To me he was just a friend. I never had the strengths to tell my parents that I was… " Jesus, why was it so hard to say gay she wondered while Lucy was keeping a close eye on her.

"Gay?" her daughter helped her, the expression on her face almost amused.

"Yes." Jane huffed, blushing into a deep red.

"So, you slept with this guy to feign that everything was okay?" Lucy tried to piece everything together. "And then you fell in love with your best friend." A statement, so blunt and true and so hurtful that Jane cringed.

"If you want to say that I'm a coward, please go ahead, because I am. Nothing new!" Jane defended herself and was surprised when Lucy pulled her into a hug. "I would never say that. There are so many things you did right Ma! I just try to understand what happened in your life."

Jane knew that Lucy was speaking the truth. She sighed and gave it a thought. She decided that it was time to tell her daughter about the witness protection program. She realized that she would have to do so sooner or later.

"All right. I'm going to tell you something, but you have to swear that you never say a word to anyone. This is really important, do you understand? No one can know!"

Lucy pulled away and studied her. "I'm serious Lucy. No one can know. Otherwise, we are in deep trouble."

"What is it? Did you kill someone? Are you a mob boss?" Her daughter joked. Jane took a bewildered breath. "I think I can't tell you." She said and reached for the remote. Lucy's hand shot up and kept her from pushing the unmute button. Her eyes were serious as they searched for Janes. Jane squirmed.

"I'm in witness protection." The truth was between them and her daughters jaw dropped. "Circumstances…" Jane mumbled sadly. "She thinks I'm dead, as does the rest of my – our - family." She swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump which was building in her throat and to push back the tears.

"Everybody whom I loved and who loved me thinks that I'm dead. How can I cure this wound?" her voice was desperate, and she shrugged helplessly. "But none of this should be your problem. It wouldn't be fair to you to…"

"No!" Lucy yelled and made Jane jump. "We are a family! You can't just always carry everything on your shoulder and protect me Ma! Because this is not fair to you!" Tears were streaming down her face and Janes began to fall as well.

"Lucy, you can't tell anyone. Someone wants to kill me. If he finds out that I'm alive or that I have a daughter, he will find us!" Jane's voice was fierce. "All these years… all these sacrifices would have been for nothing!"

"Yes, I got that part. I won't tell. But we have to find a solution for this problem!" Lucy shouted, pacing the floor before stopping abruptly. "You told me there's always a solution. Guess this was a lie as well." Her eyes narrowed to slits as she looked at Jane.

The brunette felt wary. "I also told you that we don't always get what we want. So, this story can clearly be booked under that category." She stated while rubbing her head. "I have gone through this before. I did the only thing that worked to keep us safe." She said sadly and watched her daughter pace the floor.

"I have grandparents. Maybe uncles and cousins. I never met them. It doesn't work for me!" Lucy yelled in frustration. Jane felt her confusion as the mixed feelings transpired. The need to protect her mother and the need to know more. "I know." She muttered under her breath. "What would you have done though? If you had been pregnant and a gangster boss who killed people with icepicks was after you?" her voice was soft and a bit challenging. "Tell me." Jane swallowed hard at Lucy's bewildered look.

Lucy dropped back to her spot on the couch. "Leave everything and everybody behind to get the kid and try to make the best out of it." She silently said, reaching for Janes hands. Jane licked her lips. They held on to each other as if it was a lifeline, they both needed. In this world they only had each other.

"My life with you was… is… worth it Lucy. You brought me so much joy. We never… Its good enough for me to never regret leaving everything behind. I love you." Jane whispered and felt Lucy snuggle against her chest like she had always done when she had been a little kid.

"Can I at least see pictures of them?" her daughter whispered, and Jane shook her head. "I had to leave everything behind."

"What's your real name then? Can you give me that?"

Jane shook her head. "I must think about it. It's dangerous. And you my girl are a spitting image of me. What do you think will happen if you go places where I've lived? I can't do that."

"You don't trust me!" Lucy exclaimed with a sad tone. "Please. Can we postpone the rest of the conversation? I think that its already enough to process for both of us."

"Please?" Jane asked again and Lucy snuggled back into her and nodded against her chest. "I love you, no matter what." She repeated Janes words from when she had come out to her mother and Jane sighed. "I know. We came so far. We'll get over this as well." She mumbled and Lucy said one word. "Yes."

R&I

Jane knew about all the questions that were awaiting her the next day. Why hadn't she tried to chase the perp down? Why hadn't she gone to the police when being threatened? Why why why? She knew that when Lucy learned that she had been a detective it would even be harder to understand for her daughter. But if she had seen a real chance to get out of this by fighting, she would have done it all. She was ready for the talk when they met the next morning.

Lucy looked as if she hadn't slept at all and Jane couldn't say that she had had a better night. They ate breakfast and then went back to their spots on the couch. Jane waited for the questions to come and replied them all honestly. When the question about her profession never came, she told Lucy about being a homicide detective to prevent the girl from ever calling her a liar again.

Her girl was silent. There was a lot to process, and Jane was willing to give her time. A lifetime of lies had been spilled and both women were truly exhausted and drained. Jane found herself stepping up to the window and staring out into the skyline of San Francisco. It was another cold winter day and snow was falling, leaving the world covered by a white blanket.

The days passed by and Christmas eve was everything else than cheerful. No, she didn't trust Lucy not to go on an adventure, trying to find out who her family was, because she knew damn well that that's what she would have done if she were Lucy.

Jane Rizzoli was buried somewhere in a cemetery and fear had won over her desire to ever return to Boston again.

Lucy would be back at college in three days. And Jane felt as if Paddy Doyle had taken the last positive thing of her life. Wouldn't it make sense to just present herself and get it over with? Being dead couldn't be worth than feeling dead. Lucy was drifting away. Maybe she'd understand one day. But right now, their relationship was shattered, and it felt as if each broken piece cut deep into her heart as she tried to pick them up and pull them together so that her life would make sense again. Jane Rizzoli had reached a dead end in her life and she had no idea how to turn around and make everything good and shiny again.

Maybe she should have fought more she thought. Maybe she was now paying the price for playing it safe. Maybe she deserved this. Maybe she had given up to easily.

She walked to the table and opened the lid of her laptop, checking flights towards Boston. She picked one and booked a ticked. Maybe it was time to face the daemon she thought grimly.