Happy Saturday, Friends! Sending lots of love to everyone reading. Thank you for hanging out with me and I'm glad you're enjoying the stories. These one shots loosely follow what's happening on the show, but always aim to fix what is sometimes missing in Surrera's communication. This installment follows 4X10. Disclaimer: The ending gets a little steamy, so if that's not your vibe just scroll through and enjoy the rest :) XO, Reddixon
The A-Shift had just wrapped their shift and were planning to head to Travis & Vic's for some much needed drinks. COVID meant bars in Seattle still only had modified hours with minimal outdoor seating, so their options were limited.
"Are you good to head to Travis & Vic's?" Andy asked Robert standing in front of her locker and slipping on her light jacket. Luckily, despite whatever had happened in the turnout closet, they were still okay. Another day, another moment of agreeing to disagree. She didn't want to dwell on that now though. It had been a hell of a shift and she just wanted to relax.
Robert fully dressed with his go bag draped over his shoulder replied. "Raincheck." He sported a relaxed smile, but his eyes were sober. "I'm gonna catch a meeting and connect with Richard."
"You okay?" Andy replied with concerned eyes. The day had been filled with weird moments.
"Yeah...I'm good. Just workin' the steps." Robert said easily. He wasn't lying per say, but definitely not telling the whole truth.
"Well, text me when you're heading home. The team is great, but I'd much rather spend my day off with you." Andy said, not totally reassured, but trusting her husband.
"Okay," Robert answered with a tight smile. "Have fun." He dropped a chaste kiss on her lips and headed out of the locker room area.
Travis & Vic's Place
The team brunch was in full swing, the whole group was cracking jokes, laughing, rehashing their last few shifts, but Andy was lost in thought. She broke away saying she was going to tidy up the kitchen and that's how Ben found her. Mindlessly rinsing out a bowl, staring out into the window.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Ben asked casually.
Slightly startled, Andy replied. "What?" She looked down into the sink and continued rinsing out the bowl in her hand before placing it into the dish rack.
"You were pretty zoned out there. Wanna tell me what's on your mind?" Ben said gently.
Andy debated for a moment whether or not she should say anything, but going over the situation in her head about Robert and her family, she knew she needed insight. She'd come up with no solutions. "Robert met my family for the first time yesterday...they came in through the testing line." She was tentative as she spoke.
"Yeah, I heard that. How'd it go?" Ben asked genuinely. The rest of the crew had only mentioned the Alvarez family being hilarious and kind.
"Well, they loved him." She shook her head a bit and smiled thinking of the text she got from Michelle.
Ben picked up on what she hadn't said. "But what?"
"I hadn't told them about his demotion." Andy said, shaking her head. Clearly upset with herself.
Ben nodded his and breathed deeply as he took in her words. "Let me guess, that didn't go over too well with him."
"Something like that," Andy said. "He thinks..." She hated to even say the words. "...he thinks I'm ashamed of him. And even though it's not true, I understand why he would feel that way." Ben was quiet and trying to search for his thoughts when Andy spoke up again. "Ugh, don't make that face."
Ben raised his hands a little in retreat. "What face?" He didn't want to give her a hard time, but he knew Robert and was certain that had been a blow. Andy gave him the don't BS me look and he finally continued. "Look, if you didn't tell them, you must have had a good reason..."
"I did," Andy interrupted before Ben could continue. "I just...we were still at work and I didn't really get to explain it like that." She sighed a bit in frustration. "And if I'm being honest, our communication hasn't been great lately." Ben nodded his head and took a sip of the beer he held in his hand. He'd overheard an argument between the two of them a couple weeks ago and it was clear they were having a hard time getting on the same page about stuff. Andy thought for a moment before she continued, "I just wanted to protect him you know. He's got a lot on his plate. I know he wants to make a good impression and I didn't want them to judge him on his worst moment. I didn't want them to hear what happened before getting a chance to know him."
Ben smiled softly, "That sounds like a pretty good reason to me and I'd bet if you told him that, he'd understand."
"I hope so." Andy replied a bit dejectedly. It had only been a few weeks since they'd been reunited after the separation and she wanted to enjoy being together. "I just want to be there for him, let him know I support him and I'm not sure I'm doing a great job at that right now. I mean, I've told him I don't care about his title, but he just doesn't believe me." There was a reason that Robert didn't believe her when she said she didn't care about his title. Sure, some of it probably had to be him and how he felt about it, but there had to be something she was saying and doing or not saying and doing that was giving him the wrong idea. Yesterday with her family hadn't helped either.
"Look, Robert's a little like Kobe in 2013. He tore his Achilles' tendon down the stretch. One minute he's focused on wrapping the season strong and heading into the playoffs. Literally the next minute he was faced with rehabbing a potentially career ending injury and keeping his legacy intact." Ben took a breath before continuing. "Robert was at the top of his game. He got injured, he got sick and he got knocked back. He's now faced with the uncertainty of rebuilding his career. And he's doing the work, but take it from me, starting over is hard. I've done it a couple times. He's also a guy and he probably won't say it, but for someone like him a job isn't just a job. It's a part of his identity. It's one of the ways he knows his place in the world."
"I'm not sure I totally get what you mean." Andy said, unclear on Ben's point.
"Let's say you get invited to a party. You're enjoying a drink and chatting it up with people. What's one of the first questions you usually ask?" Ben posed.
Andy thought for a moment before answering. "What do you do..." her voice trailed a bit as the words came out of her mouth. She was starting to see where Ben was going.
"Robert used to answer that question as Battalion Chief and before that Captain. That meant something. It gave him a sense of meaning, purpose. And sure he still has an important job, but we both know it's not the same. " Andy nodded her head indicating she was tracking. "When I went from surgeon to firefighter it was rough for a while. I didn't know where I fit. He's going through a transition but eventually he'll figure it out. And it can't for his wife to give him a little extra reassurance right now." Ben smiled to himself as he thought about how he'd doled out marriage advice to both of them in the past few weeks.
"Copy that," Andy replied. She was quiet for a moment before she added. "How did you and Bailey figure out how to work together?"
"Time, a lot of mistakes and just talking." Ben said simply and shrugged his shoulders. He'd spent years as a surgeon wrestling with life in his wife's shadow to some degree. There were plenty of times they bumped heads about issues at work. "You do the same job...inevitably, that means issues are going to arise. And that's not really a problem as long as you're talking about it. Both of you has to be able to say your piece and be willing to listen to the other person. Sometimes you'll figure it out and forget it, sometimes you'll agree to disagree, sometimes you just decide to leave work at work and enjoy being home together. There's no perfect science."
"Does it get easier?" Andy asked hopefully.
"I think you get better." Ben replied honestly. "It takes time to figure out each other's quirks, to know what your partner is feeling when they aren't exactly able to say it. It takes making a lot of mistakes and forgiving. It takes work. But marriage isn't about perfection. It's about two imperfect people committing to grow together. And as long as you keep choosing each other and trying, you'll get there."
"Thanks...Dad." Andy said with a mischievous smile. She was so grateful for the advice and wisdom of someone who's marriage had weathered the storm and survived.
"Really?" Ben nudged her a little at the joke.
Meanwhile...
"When do you tell people, you're in recovery?" Robert asked with curiosity as he and Richard walked. They'd fallen into a regular routine of meeting weekly. Sometimes twice a week if their schedules allowed.
"The thing to keep in mind about the program, Robert, is that there aren't any hard and fast rules. There are suggestions. There are recommendations, but how the steps look for each person will be different. So the decision is personal. You tell people when you're ready. I do it in a couple cases... when the person has earned the right to hear my story, when I think it might help someone or when I need to enforce a boundary that supports my sobriety."
Robert shook his head a bit in understanding. "That makes sense." He thought to himself what that might look like for him.
"What makes you ask," Richard replied.
"I met Andy's extended family today," Robert said. "They came through the line for COVID testing and assumed I was still the boss. She hadn't told them I'd been demoted."
"And how'd that make you feel?" Richard asked gently.
"Ughhh...there you are with the feeling questions," Robert joked a bit. Richard smiled, but remained silent letting him know he expected an answer. "How did it make me feel?" Robert repeated. "First I was uncomfortable, just caught off guard, you know. I didn't really know what to say or how to react...then I just felt embarrassed."
Richard could hear in Robert's voice the pain that this caused even though he wasn't saying it. "I can see why that would be upsetting. Did you and Andy get a chance to talk about it?"
"Not really..." Robert answered. It had been a weird end of shift. Things were mostly fine after the turnout closet for the rest of the shift, celebrating with the team when Marsha woke up, having dinner with the group and kissing goodnight before bed, but he knew there were still things to talk about and that was weighing on him right now.
"Well, why do you think she didn't tell them?" Richard asked casually.
Robert sighed long and deep carefully choosing his words. "Andy and I are a lot alike when it comes to work. We both strive to be the best. Are always thinking about what comes next in our careers. When we got together, I was at the top of my career, enjoying the success that comes from hard work. Now, I'm not. I'm the low man on the totem pole. No rank, no power, nothing." Robert tried hard not to sound so dejected as he spoke, but it didn't fool Richard who knew those feelings all too well. "If I'm ashamed and I don't want to talk about it, I get why she would be too."
"Why are you ashamed of being in recovery, Robert?" Richard prodded. He had insight and likely answers, but he wanted to hear from Robert in his own words versus making any assumptions. He would circle back to Andy, but what was more important was how Robert felt about himself in recovery.
Robert looked at Richard like he had two heads for a moment, before collecting himself. "Isn't it obvious?"
Richard wasn't afraid of friction, he knew this is how progress was made. "Well, if I had to ask, it must not have been obvious." He replied calmly.
To say Robert felt uncomfortable would be the understatement of the year. It felt like he was walking across hot coals or cutting himself open in some regard. He wanted to give his feelings and all the talking about them 'the finger'. He was tired. He was over it. He also knew he couldn't do that. He had committed to the work and he wasn't a quitter. "I lined up nearly 2 decades of good choices and undid it all in a matter of months. I developed an addiction to prescription pain meds and worse, I stole schedule 2 narcotics from my own rig, broke my team's trust and when I did come clean and try to fix my mistakes, I got demoted. I hold myself to higher standards than that. I pride myself on discipline and self-control. On making the right calls. The list of things I did wrong is so long I couldn't count them all, the problems I created for myself..." He shook his head as he thought about it. "All I can do now is try and clean up my messes."
"That's some pretty heavy judgement, son." Richard said compassionately.
Robert wasn't sure if Richard expected a reply, but he had one instantly. "I tend to be pretty hard on myself. Been that way since I was a kid."
"Can I say something you might not want to hear?" Richard asked a bit tentatively. He knew there were some things that needed to be said, but also knew that Robert had to be open to hearing them if they were going to land or have any impact.
"We're in it now..." Robert said in a light tone, despite the discomfort he felt as the conversation went along."
"I didn't just hear judgement, Robert. I heard shame. And that's a tricky emotion. It's the thing, under judgement that makes us feel not good enough. Makes us see ourselves as less than if we don't measure up to some ridiculous standard of perfection that doesn't exist. It's the thing that makes us forget that our mistakes don't define us or make us bad people and that we don't have to be perfect to be good." Richard took a breath and looked over at the man walking next to him. Robert appeared to be taking in what was being said. "It's good to have remorse. It's good to feel some guilt, because those things are about acknowledging that something you did, violated your own standards. Does that all make sense?" Richard added.
"Make sense...yep." Robert said casually. "Feel hard and uncomfortable...absolutely."
"High standards aren't a bad thing. I have high standards for myself. They only become a problem when there is no self-compassion that makes failing okay or mistakes normal." Richard said gently.
"I'm just so disappointed in myself. And angry. Angry at myself for letting things get so out of hand. Letting my team down. I don't even know how it got so bad, it just did. I just think I'm better than that." Robert shared in a way he knew he'd never shared with anyone before. "And everyday that I walk into that station house I'm confronted with my failure."
"I get that. I do. I've been there and it's hard to see beyond all that. Yes, everything you just said is true, but what you aren't giving yourself credit for is that you keep showing up. Do you know how much courage it takes to do what you're doing? To show up everyday and face the people who you hurt, to earn their trust back, to rebuild your life and your career. So many people don't do that. That's the important part of your story. You've gotta cut yourself some slack, Robert. Give yourself some grace. Yes, you made some errors, but everyone does. You're human."
"Easier said than done." Robert felt heavy. He knew what Richard was saying was true. It landed, really resonated for him in a place he couldn't exactly name, but that didn't mean he felt like he could implement it.
Richard chuckled a bit. "That's the work. That's the hard stuff that people don't talk about. But doing it is always worth it."
"What if I never get back to where I was?" Robert's question was largely rhetorical, more something for him to think about for himself. "Next to Andy, the job is all I have." He was silent for a moment and Richard didn't try to fill the gap. "I scared myself a little last night...I told Andy she and our marriage was the only good thing I had in my life." Robert cringed a little as he replayed their argument in his head. "Afterwards it occurred to me, that if that was true and something happened in our relationship I might want to start using again. I realized outside of my wife and the job, I'm just not that connected to anything."
"Way to put the pressure on." Richard replied with dry humor in his voice.
Robert was mildly taken aback, but smiled at the humor he saw in his mentor's eyes. "Are you always this direct?"
"Saves time," Richard replied coolly and Robert gave him a knowing smile. "Let me ask you a question...are you breathing right now?" Richard asked with a bit of mischief in his eyes.
Robert looked over at the man who had quickly become more than a sponsor and showed his confusion. "Uhhh, yeah..." He didn't see quite where this was going but he trusted the man and so he answered.
"And how's your health? How's the leg?" Richard asked another seemingly obvious question.
"It's great. I feel great. Almost like the surgery never happened." Robert said with a smile.
"And you're still running into fires right, helping people and doing what you love?" Richard replied knowingly.
"I feel like you're trying to make a point here and I'm missing it." Robert looked a bit chagrined.
"You just listed at least three really good things going on in your life right now. For starters, you're alive. You and I both know drugs could have killed you. You're healthy and strong. Now more than ever, we know good health is something to be grateful for. And you still get to do work you love. Sure, you're not exactly where you want to be, but at one time you were facing the reality of not being able to do the job anymore at all. You see where I'm going here?"
"Yeah, I guess I do." Robert said though his tone was non committal. Of course he was grateful for those things but he still wanted more.
"Look, I'm not telling you to be positive all the time. That's not realistic. I am saying that being present in the moment and grateful will make it easier to spot all the stuff going right in your life. It's also scientifically proven to change the chemical makeup of your brain in ways that are good for you." Robert nodded in Richard's direction, indicating he was still following along. "I know you're frustrated about the job. I don't have a lot of advice beyond what I've already said, but remember I've been there. If I can come back from my mistakes, you can too. Outside of that, the only thing I think you can do is trust that everything will work itself out."
"Trust what?" Robert replied before he could sensor himself.
"The only way my life works, my sobriety works is if I am able to surrender to a higher power. I have to be able to believe that there is some purpose, some meaning, some value in all the challenges that life brings. I have to have faith that there is a creator out there, who made all of us and things are going according to some sort of plan. Y'know, like everything is working out the way that it's supposed to...even when I can't see it or make sense of it. And ultimately, it will be for our good." Richard looked over to Robert to see if he was tracking with him.
"I don't know that I can believe in a God that took my parents from me at sixteen and left me with my nazi grandfather, or let me watch brother after brother die in war or took my first wife in a horrific car accident where I was the first responder. I just don't know." Robert replied honestly. "If this is all "God's" master plan, why is everything so messed up?" Robert questioned.
Richard sighed long and hard. "I don't have all the answers, son. But I do know for every awful thing that's happened to you, you've had a lot of good too. Your parents died, but you kept living and really made something of yourself. You made it home from war when so many soldiers didn't. And even after your first wife died, you found love again." Richard said gently. "Life is always both, and. We're always holding the tension of good and bad. And maybe if right now you can't put your faith in something outside of you...maybe you just focus on gratitude for where you are now and trust that no matter what happens in the future, you'll be good." Richard said and took a sip of his coffee.
"Tall order, Sir. But...easier than surrender." Robert said honestly.
They had just arrived back at the parking lot for Grey Sloan. Richard checked his watch and knew he'd need to get back into work soon. "I've gotta be heading back in, but before I go... I wanna make sure you talk to your wife. Something like her not telling her family about your recovery and demotion is going to prick at you until you sort it out with her. It's important." Richard said firmly, but gently.
"Will do..." Robert replied with genuine commitment. "We just seem to keep having all these weird moments at work that we can't talk about until later. And honestly it's so frustrating because I just want us to be good. I hate that we keep running into bumps in the road."
"Marriage is bumpy, Robert." Richard said. "I think sometimes we get fooled into thinking it's supposed to be easy, but really it's about finding the one you wanna go through all phases of life with - the good and the bad. It's about finding the one you want by your side on your best day and your worst day. It's about finding the one you want to fight with and make up with." Richard paused for a moment before continuing. "Those are the kinds of things that matter. You and Andy got married on the heels of some of the worst times of both of your lives and then a global pandemic hit. Nothing about your situation is normal. Give it some time. Keep working at your communication and remembering why you love each other. It'll sort itself out."
"I appreciate that, Sir." Robert said.
The two men parted ways and Robert headed home...
Andy had made it home before Robert, but knew he was on his way. In late May, they were finally getting warmer days in Seattle consistently and it was her favorite time of year. The weather was going to be great today and all she wanted was to relax with her husband. Sure, they were still in a pandemic so for the most part people were staying home and there also wasn't much you could actually do in Seattle but take a walk and order take out, but she also knew it was something else.
Something had changed. She used to crave busyness. Always on the go, taking extra shifts, out with friends, casual dates, etc. but these days she lived for quiet days at home. Mindlessly, she threw on a pair of cut off denim shorts with a white v-neck t shirt and headed back downstairs to wait for Robert. Just as she was making her way down the stairs Robert walked through the door.
"Hi," Andy said with an instant smile. Her breath caught in her chest just a bit as she appreciated his piercing brown eyes, chiseled jawline and muscular form. He was so damn sexy. Barefoot, standing on the bottom step, she was almost eye level with him and her arms wrapped easily around his neck.
Robert's arms circled Andy's waist and he greeted her back. He relaxed instantly at their embrace and made the smallest of circles on her back as he held her close."Hi." Robert held his wife's gaze just briefly before lowering his lips to hers. Home, with no need to rush and their bodies pressed closely together, he took his time. She felt like heaven.
"I don't think that will ever get old," Andy whispered as they pulled apart.
"Maybe when we're old and grey?" Robert joked with a smile.
She was happy to see him smile. A real smile, one that traveled all the way up to his eyes, not like the forced one from earlier in the day. "How was your meeting?" Andy questioned gently as they held each other.
"It was good." Robert shook his head lightly. "Really good, actually. I'm pretty sure I struck gold with Richard as my sponsor. He just makes things make sense."
"I'm glad." Andy said, returning his genuine smile.
"How were drinks with the team?" Robert asked.
"They were all disappointed that you didn't make it. Apparently, you're gaining popularity." Andy teased.
"Is that so?" Robert said with his own small grin. The best thing about becoming a probie again was connecting with the team. Yet another thing he could be grateful for despite a frustrating situation.
"Other than that, it was just the usual." Andy shrugged a little. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I love them, but these days there is someone else I'd rather spend my free time with."
Playing along, Robert inquired. "Anyone I know?"
"Oh, I don't know..." Andy said with a grin. "He's tall, extremely sexy and makes delicious smoothies."
"He sounds pretty great." Robert added with a smile of his own.
"He is." Andy said and leaned in for another gentle kiss. "The weather is going to be amazing today, what do you want to do?"
Robert pulled away and slipped off his jacket while Andy made her way off the step and headed toward the kitchen. "Well, if you're up for it, I thought we could walk Greenlake and enjoy the sun a little. Get gelato from that stand you love and I'll throw some steaks on the grill tonight."
Andy filled the glass of water from the filter on the fridge as she listened. "That sounds perfect. I especially love the part about you cooking." She joked and Robert laughed a little.
With that, he headed upstairs to change out of his long-sleeved henley and throw on a t-shirt. It wasn't long before they were out the door, sunglasses on, masks in hand and in the car headed down Aurora. It was late morning and traffic was light so they made it there in no time. After finding a parking spot they made their way to the walkable cement path, being sure to keep their distance from people. Hand in hand, they found a comfortable pace.
"I hate that the pedal boats are closed," Andy said. "I love those." She looked over at Robert and saw him make a face. "You grew up in Seattle, don't tell me you haven't been."
"Oh, I've been." Robert said with an unreadable expression on his face. "I just don't plan on doing it again."
"Robert Sullivan are you afraid of a little pedal boat?" Andy goaded him with a twinkling in her eye.
"Afraid?" Robert questioned in disbelief. "Definitely not afraid, but come on. Those things are tiny. I am 6'4". Nothing about squeezing into them is a good time."
"Well..." Andy said with fake disappointment in her voice. "I guess you do have a point there. We'll have to do stand up paddle boarding then." She said.
"Pretty sure I didn't agree to cold water activities in the wedding vows," Robert tossed back nonchalantly. He loved Seattle, but even when it was the dead of summer their lakes were still cold.
Andy nudged him with her elbow and he pretended it hurt. "Hey!" She said stifling a small laugh. Ahhh, she missed this. Light, easy banter. Just being together and being comfortable. They walked a little more before she spoke. "I think this is what I missed most." Despite how much life had happened over the past few weeks, they had only been back together a short time.
"What's that," Robert looked over to her and asked. He could sense a slight shift in her mood.
"Us, being us." Andy replied back simply. "Starting and ending our days together, coming home and having you there or vice versa, just normal stuff."
"Me too," Robert said, using their joined hands to pull her closer into him. He brushed a soft kiss across Andy's forehead as their gate slowed a bit.
With mischief in her eyes, Andy added. "The sex isn't bad either."
They shared a laugh and Robert leaned in for a breathtaking kiss. As he pulled away he breathed, "I'd say the sex is icing on the cake."
They continued walking. "What do you think about us hosting a game night?" Andy asked casually. "Maya could bring Carina and Jack, Inara. We're all in the same little pod for the most part and our place is big enough to spread out a bit."
Robert nodded a bit. "That sounds fun. But we're all pretty competitive, it seems like it could turn into a bloodbath." He teased.
"It'll just keep things interesting." Andy replied with a smile. "I'll send a group text. Maybe next week sometime." She took a nervous breath and continued. "Speaking of get togethers...my tia Sandra told me I wasn't allowed to not bring you to Sunday's BBQ. She said a proper chance to get to know you is long overdue."
Robert was quiet for a moment. "Is that so?" His response was non committal.
Andy looked over and saw the expression on Robert's face. The relaxed look he sported just a few minutes ago was gone and his jaw was tight. With the angle and the sunglasses she wore it was hard to see his eyes, but she didn't need to. "Robert I...
"I don't need an explanation, Andy." He said abruptly. Despite Richard's advice and knowing just how much the situation had bothered him, he was afraid of what she might say. He wasn't quite ready to talk about it.
"Yes you do." Andy stopped walking and their joined hands forced Robert to stop too.
As he turned to face her, Robert started to speak. "I'm..."
Andy pushed her sunglasses up onto her head so she could see him more clearly and so that he could see her more clearly. "You're not fine. And if I was running around thinking you were ashamed of me, I wouldn't be fine either." She reached up and slowly slid Robert's sunglasses down so she could hold his gaze.
Robert stood in front of her and looked down briefly before finding her eyes. "Look, I understand..."
Andy's hands found her hips as she grew a little frustrated. "Are you going to let me finish or are you gonna keep talking over me?" Robert shrugged a little and motioned for her to continue.
"I thought about this a lot today...I don't know if not saying anything was the right call, but I am sorry I hurt you. I would never intentionally do that. I just know you are under a lot of pressure to rehab your career, fix things and I just didn't want you to feel more of that pressure. I think I wanted to protect you. I wanted them to meet you and see you with clear eyes. I didn't want them to judge you based on your worst moment."
Robert let Andy's words wash over him and sighed a bit in relief. He didn't actually believe Andy would intentionally do something to hurt him and her explanation did make sense. But it didn't change the fact that it still stung. "I know you would never intentionally hurt me," Robert said. His voice didn't show the frustration he felt within. "This is complicated. There's no rulebook for this." Robert looked out towards the water and continued. "I asked Richard today, when do you tell people you're in recovery. Outside of meetings, I haven't had to do that with new people. 19 all knew me before..." He sighed a bit. "Richard basically said I should do what I feel comfortable with."
"Well that makes sense," Andy offered gently as she stood next to her husband gazing out at the water and city views in front of them.
"I guess what I'm saying is... if I don't even know when the right time is, it's not really fair to expect you to know either." Robert continued.
Andy leaned into Robert's side, she held his right hand in her left and her cheek pressed into his bicep. "Can I ask you a question?" She was tentative, but determined to clear the air. Robert didn't say anything audibly, but nodded and she continued. "I keep telling you that I don't care about your job or a title you don't have anymore, but you're convinced that I do. Why don't you believe me?" Her question was laced with some nerves but it was sincere.
"I want to believe you...I do...I just. I know you, Andy." Robert shook his head slightly, his frustration now evident. "You are driven and ambitious. You always want to be the best. You're always thinking about your next move and taking your career to the next level. You married me at the top of my game and now I'm not. There's no way you can be happy with a grunt. A guy with no rank, no pull, nothing."
Andy pulled away from Robert, faced him and despite trying to mask her emotions, couldn't help the hurt in her voice. "You make it sound like that's all that matters to me. Like I'm so shallow that all I care about is status or position." Her voice raised in disbelief as she finished.
"I didn't say that," Robert answered quickly, his shoulders raising slightly in retreat. "I don't think you're shallow. Not by a long shot, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think my situation embarrasses you. I think it does." Robert shrugged his shoulders knowing it was more of a rhetorical question. "And I get why..."
"Stop," Andy interrupted. "Just stop." Robert looked at his wife with confusion on his face. She was angry and he was trying to give her an out. Trying to tell her that he understood. "I really wish you'd give me more credit than that and yourself too."
"I'm just trying to say, I understand..." Robert tried to acknowledge. It was his turn to show his frustration. He looked around and scratched at his jaw lightly.
"Do I hate that you got demoted? Yes!" Andy yelled in anger and Robert turned to catch her gaze. "I've been honest with you about that. I do hate it. I think that after nearly two decades of making the right calls, you got hurt and made a mistake. And I think the Fire Commission was unfairly harsh. I think you got mixed up with Dickson...and he got off clean and you got railroaded. I hate the look on your face when you talk about it and the feelings I know you must have, cleaning toilets in the Station that you ran or mopping the floors outside your old office. I hate that for you." Her final words had definition and impact.
"Andy..." Robert tried to interject.
Andy cut him off again, "But I'm not ashamed of you." Her eyes were firey and she was incredulous as she spoke. "I'm not embarrassed by you. That couldn't be further from the truth." She shook her head and took a breath before continuing. "When my dad finally came clean about being sick, I was a mess. I was holding on by a thread. You listened, you held me, you made me laugh, you danced with me, you made me forget. You bent the rules and took me to a condemned burn site and let me take my anger out with a sledgehammer." Her eyes lined with emotion and her voice caught. "And when he vented that roof and saved all of us, you spent 3 days in bed with me. You wiped my tears, you made me eat, you helped me shower, you chased away my crazy dreams...you took care of me. And that wasn't Robert, the Battalion Chief, the Captain or a firefighter. That was you. Just you. So when I think of the man I love, that's what I think about." She pulled back the tears that wanted to fall. "You are so much more than a job. And maybe you don't see it, but I do."
"You wreck me, when you say things like that..." Robert whispered as he closed the distance and pulled her into a tight hug.
Andy held Robert around his waist tightly and breathed in the smell of him. Tears lined her eyes, but she choked back the emotion. "You could walk away from fire fighting tomorrow, just decide to do something else and I wouldn't care. All I want is you."
They held each other for several long moments before Robert broke the silence. "Guess that's a good thing since you're stuck with me." Robert joked lightly and kissed the top of Andy's head. He released his hold lightly, but they continued to loosely hug one another. "This is harder than I imagined it would be. Every single shift I am confronted with the worst mistake I've made in my life. I face that disappointment in myself everyday. I'm a proud man, Andy. And I want to be someone you're proud of too."
Pulling back, Andy looked up into her husband's eyes and spoke softly. "You're too hard on yourself, Babe. And I'm already proud of you." Andy held Robert's gaze and reached up to pull him into a kiss.
Hand in hand, they walked and talked a little while longer. The sky was cloudless and bright blue, the sun was warm but not uncomfortable with a slight breeze coming up off the water. It really was the perfect pacific northwest day. After rounding off their trip around the lake with seasonal flavors of gelato, they headed home. It was mid afternoon when they made it there and just as they walked through the door, Robert grabbed Andy's hand loosely. "C'mon, I want to show you something," he said and led her up the stairs.
As they made it to the top of the stairs Andy teased, "No need to be mysterious...we've done this before." She laughed.
Robert laughed a little too. "I am not taking you to bed, but I do like where your mind is going." With that he placed a chaste kiss on her lips and led her in the opposite direction of their bedroom and to the office. This was one place in their apartment that remained largely untouched by Andy's crazy. She hardly ever found use for being in there. It was very Robert. A combination of masculine and minimalism. He let go of her hand and headed to the closet where he retrieved a black box about the size of a safe deposit box. Andy remained quiet but intrigued. "Let's sit." Robert said. She took a seat on the black modern looking armless chaise, tucking one leg underneath her while Robert rolled the office chair over. Placing the black box on the chair, he sat closely next to Andy and took a breath.
Noticing the slight change in Robert's mood, Andy placed a gentle hand on his cheek and asked. "You okay?" Something was different, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it.
Robert didn't answer with words. He placed a gentle kiss on the palm that moments ago rested on his cheek and placed Andy's hand back in her lap. He opened the black box and retrieved a few pictures that he hadn't shared before. "This is me and Opa. One of our last times out fishing together," he said wistfully as he handed the aging photo to his wife. A young smiling Robert stood by his grandfather's side proudly holding up a fish he'd no doubt just caught.
Andy held the worn picture gingerly and smiled. "You were so cute," she teased a little. "How old were you here?"
Robert thought for a moment. "11 maybe 12," he replied easily. "Growing up, my parents worked a lot. We had a comfortable lifestyle, traveled and I wanted for nothing, but it always felt like a trade off. As doctors, their schedules were busy... my dad especially. I knew they loved me. I never questioned that but they just weren't there."
"But your Opa was..." Andy added and gave a small smile. It was rare that he spoke of his Opa, but when he did there was always this tension of love and anger.
"Yeah. He was usually the one there with a snack or lunch after school, he taught me to ride a bike, how to fish..." Robert sighed but continued. "When my parents died, my relationship with Opa was already far beyond repair. So I spent 2 years in that house with him basically alone. Sure I had friends and kept busy with school but I didn't have anyone I was really connected to. I got used to being alone. I got used to counting on myself. "
Andy listened to her husband with deep focus and intention. He was sharing things that he hadn't before and she wanted to hear him, really hear him. The more he spoke, the more her heart ached. She handed the picture back to him and Robert gave her another. This one was of him and several guys in uniform. Robert was clearly in his early twenties and had what appeared to be some sort of long rifle slung over his shoulder.
"When I joined the marines, there was this instant camaraderie and brotherhood with the guys training next to you. You're all pushing yourself to do the impossible knowing some of you won't make it. 40% of people who go to scout sniper school flunk out. It felt like having a sense of family that I hadn't had in a long time. Then war. And it's just you, trying to remember your training, keep yourself alive and watching your brothers, your family leave the wire and not come back." Andy handed the picture back to Robert and he shook his head a little as he spoke. "The marines prepares you for just about every tactical situation you can find yourself in, but not death. There's no way to prepare you for that. Ignore and override that was the solution. So that's what I learned to do. I let myself care less, kept myself at a distance, didn't let myself feel because that was the only way I could cope." He added.
"You did what you had to do to keep yourself alive and safe." Andy said softly as she slid a hand around Robert's bicep and leaned closer into him.
Robert took a long gaze at the next picture in the small pile and was silent for a moment before continuing. In his hand he held a picture of him and Claire on what looked to be vacation. They were standing on a pier that overlooked the ocean. You could tell they were happy and in love. Andy didn't reach for this one. She let him hold it and kept her hands firmly on her husband. She wanted him to feel her support. "It was hard opening up and connecting with Claire, but I did it. I let myself love her and hope that maybe, just maybe I'd found my person. I could finally have that feeling of family that I hadn't let myself miss. So when she died, I was devastated. Here I was thinking my luck had changed and boom another loss. I was sad...but I was also angry. I was so mad that I'd opened myself up only to be hurt again. So I ran. All the way to Montana and I decided I was never going to let myself be hurt like that again. I threw myself into work, made that my focus and kept people at a distance. It was safer that way. And it worked," Robert joked. "Kind of. I kept myself sane, had a big career, a laundry list of accomplishments and was on track to be a Fire Chief one day."
"You were safe and you were sane, but you were alone." Andy added. Her hand traced up and down his arm slowly now.
"Yeah." Robert said lightly. "My job was everything. If work was good, I was good. If work wasn't going well, I was doing everything I could to make it right. Work was the one thing I could control and the one thing I could count on."
Andy was starting to see where this was going. Robert sharing about his family, his losses and his loneliness was shedding new light on the shadows she felt sometimes still existed in their relationship. He was filling in the puzzle of why he was so closed off in the beginning and why work mattered so damn much. He was trusting her. He was opening up to her.
"My identity, who I am, has been tied up in my job for a long time, Andy." Robert shrugged his shoulders a bit as he spoke. He'd been asking himself so many questions since the demotion and had such a hard time confronting what he knew was true, but this was the first time he'd shared them with his wife. And sitting there next to her, feeling the warmth of her body next to his and the weight of her hand on his arm, he was comforted in a way that he couldn't quite explain. She hadn't said much, but something in him just felt better as he dropped his armor. He felt like he could relax in a way he never had before.
Andy thought for a moment before speaking. There was so much she wanted to say, so much she wanted to communicate. She was pretty sure in this moment right now, she had fallen deeper in love with her husband. The more she understood him. The more intimate she became with Robert's pain, the more she realized just how much work it took for him to open up to her, to be her safe place and to love her as deeply as she knew he did. "I think a lot of people feel that way. Like their occupation helps them know who they are in the world. Hell, I feel that way. We are the people running towards a burning building when everyone else is running out. That's pretty damn impressive...so I don't think you have to make yourself wrong for that. I just... I don't want you to discount all the other things that make you, you. Those are the things that truly matter." Andy replied thoughtfully.
"You think so?" Robert questioned kind of rhetorically as dropped all the pictures back into the box in front of them and wrapped his arm around his wife.
"I know so," Andy said with a fierceness that caught even herself off guard. "When I say that you're amazing and brave and resilient...those aren't platitudes. Those aren't words to make you feel better. It's true. They're me knowing you, how hard you've worked, the things you've overcome, loving who you are and seeing all the potential that's in your future." Andy looked up into her husband's eyes as she finished and staring back at her was a look she couldn't quite place. It was something more than love.
Robert looked down at his wife, emotion welled up in his throat and he brushed a gentle finger over her cheek. "What did I do to deserve you?" He said and leaned in for a gentle kiss.
Just as they pulled away, with eyes barely open, Andy whispered. "Easy. You loved me."
They stayed in the office a while longer...Robert showing Andy the other contents of the metal box. His dog tags, a couple of medals he'd received for missions completed and even his own medal of valor from Billings FD. He had saved 3 members of his crew in a wildfire in Montana. When he was done, they eventually headed back downstairs and started prepping dinner.
"Babe," Andy yelled towards the back door. "What are we listening to?"
"You pick." Robert yelled back from outside. He was about to start warming the grill.
Smooth reggaeton beats filled the kitchen and followed Robert outside. Andy was at the kitchen counter cutting veggies for a salad, moving her hips just slightly and humming to the music when Robert walked into the kitchen and paused to watch her. Barefoot, legs on display in her cutoff shorts, plain black tank and her hair in a top knot he couldn't help the need that swirled in his belly. She was always beautiful, but something about today felt different. They were closer, more connected, more in love. It wasn't long before he stood behind her, wrapped an arm around her waist, pulled her hips to him and grooved with her to the music. With his voice barely audible he sang the lyrics of the song just below her ear, "When she moves like this, I can't, can't walk away, no..." He dropped a slow kiss on the exposed skin of her shoulder and it wasn't long before he was trailing kisses up her neck.
Andy shuddered as Robert's husky voice pierced through the music. An involuntary moan fell from her lips and she leaned back into his embrace. His kisses sent butterflies to her belly and her core flooded with desire. She turned in her husband's arms and met his gaze briefly before their lips collided in a breathtaking kiss. Before she knew it, Robert had lifted her onto the counter and her legs instinctively wrapped around his pulling him close. At first their lips moved together in a slow and teasing pace but with each passing moment it deepened. With hands cupping Robert's cheeks, Andy matched his efforts with equal fervor, relishing in the feel of his lips on hers. Somewhere in the back of her head she remembered they were making dinner, but she was quickly being rendered of her self-control. When the need for oxygen became too much, they slowly pulled away.
"You're starting something you can't finish?" Andy said with raised eyebrows and a slight grin. His eyes were hungry and it was doing things to her insides.
"I have no intention of leaving this business unfinished," Robert said as he pushed the strap of her tank to the side and sucked at her smooth skin.
"You promised to feed me." Andy replied despite her head dropping back to give him better access.
"I will." Robert said as he cupped her jaw and his tongue slid across her lips. He nibbled the corners of Andy's mouth, giving her goosebumps, then took her lips in his again.
Andy knew she was going to give in. Why resist? Dinner be damned. If it burned, they'd order take out. She moaned in delight as Robert continued his assault. She pulled him in closer silently willing him not to stop the magic happening to her neck and bare shoulders. "Yes..." she said barely audibly as his hands cupped her breasts and squeezed ever so gently. A jolt of energy pierced her core. "You're driving me crazy," She said as her hands gripped the edges of the countertops to keep herself upright.
"That's kind of the point," Robert replied and shot her a mischievous grin. His hands glided up and down her thighs and with each stroke Andy pulsed with need. In one smooth motion he slipped her tank up over her head and popped the clasp on her bra. One hand found her lower back, his other trailed from her collarbone to her breasts.
Andy's back arched as Robert's lips locked on a nipple. He alternated from gently sucking to lightly biting and she was losing her mind. "Oh, God," she breathed as her legs scissored with the anticipation of him sending her over the edge.
"Not God. Robert." He corrected between kisses. His voice sounded cocky and a bit arrogant, but Andy didn't care. He was giving her exactly what she wanted. Exactly what she needed...and more. His eyes opened just briefly and he took in the sight of her. Breathless, her cheeks slightly pink, lips full and pouty from their earlier kisses, perfectly golden skin glistening. "You are stunning," Robert said in awe of her.
The unbridled passion and sheer desire Andy could see in her husband's eyes was something she'd never had with anyone else. He had a way of making her feel so sexy, so wanted, so incredibly desired. She needed to feel him. All of him and with that thought in mind her hands found the hem of his t-shirt and pulled up. "You're wearing entirely too many clothes at this point." Robert's t-shirt joined her tank and bra somewhere on the floor. It was her turn to explore. She licked and kissed his bronze skin and perfectly formed chest. Her hands glided across the lines of his ripped abs.
Robert leaned back, let Andy have her way and enjoyed the feel of her mouth cascading across his skin. When she leaned up to kiss him, he held her close before his hands found the button on her shorts. With one strong arm lifting her up, he hooked his fingers into her shorts and pulled at them. Andy pushed them down the rest of the way, her shorts and thong adding to their growing pile of clothes. "Lean back," Robert said gruffly.
Andy complied and steadied herself on her elbows gazing down at her husband through barely open eyes. Robert kissed from her upper thigh down to her calf. Falling to his knees he hitched one of her lean, muscular legs up over his shoulder, opening her up to him. Andy shuddered and gripped her fists tightly as he blew on her center before making his first pass. His tongue slid through her folds and he drew lazy circles around her bud that he knew from experience would eventually be her undoing. She panted as heat flowed through her body. Her head dropped back and her hips grinded against him. Robert held her in place and continued his assault with a pulsing motion that sent her over the edge. "Robert," she cried out as the sky opened up and her orgasm consumed her. Every muscle in her body tightened and her skin tingled as release washed over her. She collapsed against the cool marble countertop to catch her breath. When she finally got her wits about her, she couldn't help the lazy smile that formed on her lips as her husband looked back at her with a satisfied grin. She shook her head just slightly as a blush creeped onto her cheeks at the thought of what just happened in their kitchen.
Robert leaned over slightly and Andy reached up to return his kiss. "I need to be inside you," he whispered against her lips and pulled her into a seated position.
"I need you inside me," Andy returned making quick work of Robert's loose jeans and boxer briefs. She stroked him gently yet firmly and guided him to her center. Gasping as he effortlessly slid home and started a delicious pace. He slipped in and out in a slow motion that caused her insides to wind tighter and tighter. Andy held him close and her legs wrapped around him tightly, pulling him deeper.
"Patience..." Robert whispered as he kissed her. "I'll get you there." He wanted to savor the moment. Memorize the look and feel of her, of them. This was everything. They were everything. She was everything. Their slick bodies moved together in perfect harmony, the feel of her enveloped him and he couldn't get enough.
"You feel amazing," Andy said through staggered breaths. They were chest to chest and as close as two people could be. In a moment like this it was hard to know where she ended and he began. Her hips moved in time with his and she willed him to pick up the pace. She dropped her arms from their place around his neck and gripped his ass tightly. "Harder." She instructed.
Robert's gaze caught hers and he asked a rhetorical question. "Harder?" He didn't need her to answer with words. Her lust filled eyes told him everything he needed to know. In one smooth motion he slipped out of her, pulled her down from the counter, turned her around and entered from behind. Hands gripping her waist tightly, he drove forward with passionate, determined thrusts.
"YES!" Andy moaned as she gripped onto the counter top and met him thrust for thrust.
Fueled by the encouragement of her moans, Robert reached around and fingered the small bundle of nerves that he knew would tip her over the cliff. He felt it. Her muscles contracting around him. Her entire body pulsating. He surged forward once then again and joined her as she toppled over into a blissful orgasm. Robert held his wife loosely and trailed wet kisses up her back. Her head turned and glassy, sated eyes greeted him. Their lips found one anothers in a steamy kiss.
"That was..." Speechless, Andy tried to find her words.
"Record breaking?" Robert teased. "We may have just edged out the top spot."
Andy nodded and tipped her head slightly. "You might be right." They both laughed and stood for another moment catching their breath. "C'mon, let's get cleaned up," she said. Robert pulled up his pants and scooped his wife into his arms, carrying her upstairs to the shower. "You have to disinfect the counter," she said as she held on tightly.
"Why me?" Robert questioned as he moved effortlessly up the stairs with her in his arms.
"You started it." Andy replied with a small grin.
"Do you need a refresher on what just happened? You were a very willing participant." Robert returned as he set her down and turned to start the shower.
It was just over an hour later, the happy satisfied couple finally did sit down for dinner. Just as he'd promised, Robert grilled the perfect steaks while Andy whipped up twice baked potatoes and a side salad. After enjoying easy dialogue and each other's company they set about putting away the leftovers, loading the dishwasher and tidying up.
Andy noticed Robert check his watch and sigh a little. "Already thinking about work?" She inquired curiously.
Robert looked over at her and smiled. "No...I'm..." They were having a great night. He didn't want to throw cold water on the mood.
They were standing next to each other at the sink and Andy nudged him a little with her hip. "Talk to me."
"I just wish I knew where I fit at work, that's all. I'm not where I was and I'm not really new. It's just this weird in between place. I'm used to leading. That's comfortable. I know how to do that. I don't know how to do this." Robert said a bit exasperated as he leaned up against the sink.
"For someone so smart, you can be so clueless." Andy teased with a smile.
"What?" Robert said a bit taken off guard by her response.
Andy muttered to herself in Spanish and tossed the dish towel she'd been holding onto the counter before finally saying out loud. "This must be why god made wives."
"I'm not..." Robert was genuinely confused now.
Andy interrupted him before he could continue. "You fit here. At 19. On this team. In this house. You fit here." Robert went to speak, but she didn't let him. " Okay sure, a year ago you were calling the shots but you and I both know that you can lead from anywhere on the field. And what you're doing right now matters. And not just in the obvious ways. You're showing all of us what it looks like to have a very public failure and comeback stronger. And I respect the hell out of you for that."
"I don't need a pep talk, Andy." Robert tried to cut in. He wasn't looking for her to try and make him feel better, he was just getting his thoughts off his chest.
"I'm not giving you a pep, Robert." Andy replied back sassily. Her hands found her hips and she continued talking. "If you are our weakest link, if you are the lowest man on the ladder, we are unstoppable. And even if no one says it we all know it. You make our entire unit better. You force all of us to level up our game." She paced for a moment before stopping in front of him and looking him square in the eyes. "When you were in the marines. You weren't just a shooter, sometimes you were on watch. You observed, provided data and made sure the one pulling the trigger had everything they needed to take the best shot. You can do that now." She smiled a bit before continuing. "It's annoying, but you do see things faster and more clearly than the rest of us sometimes."
Listening to his wife, Robert couldn't help but feel better. And when she was finally finished speaking he asked. "Are you done?"
"Do you feel better?" Andy quipped back.
"Yeah," Robert said, unfolding his arms and closing the short distance between them. He pinned Andy in with each hand resting on the counter next to her and leaned in to kiss her.
"I guess I'm done then. You're welcome." Andy said with a small smile just before their lips touched.
Robert leaned his forehead against hers and whispered lightly. "Thank you for being in my corner. With you I'm never out of the fight."
Andy gazed up into the eyes of the man she loved and easily replied. "I will always have your six." And it was true. She would always hold him down, support him and have his back...just like he did for her.