3 – Northern Lights
I sit in the snow and watch the sky above Alaska. The cold doesn't bother me. Temperature, in general, doesn't seem to have much on effect on our bodies. The bed of snow I lie on feels soft and pleasantly cool to me.
We are away from any city and the stars are like diamonds scattered across the carpet of the night. This time of the year, it means I could watch them most of the day. Alaskan winters are very kind to us. When my family and I lived in this area, we were free to mingle with humans any time we wanted, not that there are many of them here. Even then, I also used to spend time sitting outside, letting my mind fill with beauty, and silence, hoping the distant universe would relieve me of the burden of my individuality. That's what I was looking for when I came back here, a few long days ago, but so far I've had no luck. The peace I was hoping for is still eluding me. Despite the quiet and beauty all around me, I can't help feeling restless, unsettled.
Tonight the constellations are partially hidden from sight. Ghostly green folds spread and swirl across the visible universe; the Northern Lights make the view even more mesmerizing, but it's all to no avail, their charm too cold and distant to bring me any form of solace. I've been staying with my cousins for a whole week and yet my thoughts are still in turmoil. When I look up, oddly enough, I still see the face of the boy that unwittingly chased me away from Forks, my home the last two years, and forced me to leave my family. His expressive green eyes, now reflecting and magnifying the aurora's hues, look puzzled. They look so liquid, like I could swim in their depths and try to corner the elusive thoughts hiding in the trenches hidden somewhere in his inaccessible mind. What a bizarre thought…
I hear a sound, as yet far behind me, and turn around. My cousin Tanya, in shorts and a t-shirt, is sauntering over, yet moving so fast she barely disturbs the snow beneath her feet. She's not my cousin by blood, exactly, but we've known her and the rest of her coven for a long time and now we think of her as part of our extended family. She slows down to gain more traction for a few yards and then cheekily snow-plows next to me, entombing me in the spray. I sit still and pretend not to notice that I'm buried alive. Another perk of not needing to breathe. She quickly digs me out, laughing the whole time.
"Lynn, I hope I'm not bothering you…" She hesitantly says, still chuckling.
I swipe more powder off my arms and smile to help her out. I'm glad she came because I welcome the distraction. My solitude hasn't helped me.
"Not at all. In fact, I should apologize. I realize I've been very poor company lately." God only knows what they're thinking of my inexcusable behavior the last few days.
She frowns.
"To tell you the truth, we've all been worried about you. Since you returned here, out of the blue, you've hardly said a word. You know you're always welcome, but something's bothering you, that much is obvious…"
"More than welcome, in some case…" I point out with an annoyed grimace, momentarily sidetracking her train of thought.
She looks at me, slightly puzzled, and then laughs again.
"So you noticed our visitor's crush?" She asks with a naughty leer.
"It would have been difficult not to. He was following me all over the house. I had to threaten to rip his throat out to get him to desist." I growl softly.
She laughs and then shakes her head. I can see where this is going and I'm not sure our destination will be worth the price of admission. We've had similar conversations many times.
"Okay, Lynn, our visitor from Newfoundland, Vlad, is not everybody's type… And he's probably a bit too wild for you. But I can't understand how you still seem to be uninterested in…"
"Relationships?" I interject, eliciting another nervous laugh.
"I was just going to say 'recreational sex'. A relationship works too, except you've never been in one."
It's my turn to laugh. When it comes to recreational sex her appetite is insatiable. She's known to enjoy the ardor of men as well as other vampires of both genders. She even hit on me, a long time ago, when she thought she had discovered the real reason for my coldness toward men. She was wrong. I've never been interested in romance; it's just the way I'm wired.
"You should know, Tanya. You've had plenty of both over the years. But, for me, it's not the same. When I was still human, life was very hard. Many details are lost, but I remember I was always helping my mother or doing odd jobs. I didn't have what people these days would call a normal childhood, or any desire to find a mate. As I told you many times, that hasn't changed in the many years since Carlisle turned me. I don't see how it could…" I brood over the immutable, static nature of our existence. Major changes, for us, do happen, but they're extremely rare.
I take in the scenery and savor the irony of my next statement.
"Look at the view," I add "and how I spent most of the time out here watching the sky and the barren landscape all around me. Maybe, at school, they call me the ice queen for a reason." I end with a well-timed smirk.
"Maybe they do." Her mouth puckers in distaste and then she abandons the pretense and smiles.
"You don't know what you're missing out on." A wistful note in her voice makes me wonder…
"Maybe so, but I usually like my life the way it is…"
"Do you?" She's serious now, any hint of facetiousness gone from her voice. "Sure, maybe you're just different that way. Maybe you're not interested in sex… Some humans are like that too, as you told me many times. Even so, you've looked different recently."
"How so?"
"Before you moved to Forks, two years ago, you already seemed more distant, I suppose. Not sure it's the best word…. Bored, maybe?"
I gather a snowball in my hands, unbothered, and toss it away from us. I hear it land with a muffled thump despite the distance.
"It's true; I've been losing interest in some of our favorite activities. I stopped composing a few years ago. Maybe you're right, maybe the last few years I've felt listless, like my old passions are not enough, or like they're spent. I still hope it's just a phase, but I still hope it's just a phase…. None of that is related to the reason for my sudden return…"
"Speaking of which, you've clammed up real tight about that. Are you finally going to tell me then?" She looks at me ingenuously, the expression so unusual on Tanya I'm thrown off balance.
I look at her carefully. I've known her for a while… We all trust her and her sisters; they're our 'cousins' after all. And yet, I don't feel like telling her the real reason for my retreat. I don't want to confess my weakness. I've always been fiercely independent and protective of my own choices, not to mention proud of the self-control Carlisle inspired me to cultivate. My whole life, since the turning, I'd never felt as weak as I have these last few days. I must admit I'm ashamed of revealing my sudden weakness to her, or anybody else. It goes against my entire nature, makes me feel unmoored, adrift on unknown currents.
I shake my head.
"You know I trust you Tanya, and I always will, but this is something I really don't feel like discussing with anybody at the moment. That's one of the reasons why I needed to leave Forks for a bit… But now…"
She starts building a preposterous snowman and I look at her mesmerized.
She appears distraught.
"Okay," She finally says, "I'm still a little hurt you don't want to share your worries with me… We may not be related by blood, but there's few of us and our ties should mean something. But tell me one thing; you really never met somebody that interested you? Ever?"
I snort in derision.
"You really are obsessed, aren't you? No, I haven't; as I already told you a million times. Not once in a hundred years."
"Alright. Tell me something else. You still look antsy. What are your plans? Would you like to stay with us for a while? It would make us all happy if you did, but I sense you'll be on the move soon. Am I wrong?" She says so quickly I have to make an effort to catch every word.
I sigh while she completes her silly creation with some props she brought along for the occasion.
"Staying here doesn't seem to be helping, no. The last few days I've been in a strange mood; the peace I was hoping for is still beyond my grasp. Yes, I need to go somewhere…"
"Will you go back to your family? To Forks?"
Will I? Good question. I'm really not sure. The boy is my singer, according to Carlisle. My throat still hurts when I recall his cursed scent, and the promise of heavenly delights it bore. However, I managed to resist the temptation despite having fasted for weeks and the lack of warning. If I could go back, sated and prepared, and resume my pretenses of normalcy without putting anyone in danger, I could stay with my family, live my usual life. The thought almost makes me smile, giddy with delight; I miss them.
"I want to go back, but I don't think I should. And yet, where else could I go?"
"The world is yours to choose from, cousin." She trills, amused.
There are areas I haven't visited yet; that's true. I could go there. I could spend a couple of years hiking the mountains of Patagonia, or New Zealand, maybe go to Asia. Valerian, my brother currently traveling somewhere in the US says the Himalayas are awesome. In a couple of years the boy will leave town; I could return then.
I grimace. If Tanya notices, she doesn't utter a word.
"My heart doesn't seem to be in it." I tell her.
The real problem is that I can't stand the idea of being forced to leave my home by a mere mortal. I haven't lived my life running away from challenges and I won't start now. I can be strong, make sure I'm ready, steel my resolve. It will be hard, but I know I can do it. In a sense, I've been preparing for this ordeal my whole life. I will certainly need all the strength I've built up while living with Carlisle to do this. Who knows, I might even get to talk to the boy and figure out why he seems so different from the otehrs. That could be interesting; I've always enjoyed solving riddles. I know what I will do now.
I stand up, feeling a little lighter now that I've made my decision. My smile is still pained.
"Tanya," I whisper in her ear as I hug her. "Take care of yourself and give your sisters my farewell. I can't stay here but I won't flee my problems like a coward. I'm going home."
The next day, I turn into the private road that leads to our house. It looks abandoned for a stretch, as we keep it to deter unexpected visitors. I drive past the small lake nearby and eventually park outside our home. The glass-wall appears dull and unreflective in the gray light of another overcast day in Forks.
The rest of my family is already waiting for me. Alice must have told them I was coming back. As soon as I'm out of Carlisle's car, Esme and my tiny sister are already hugging me. Jasper looks unconcerned, if a trifle smug; he's glad he's not the one struggling to control his thirst in this instance. I don't blame him… I've probably patronized him enough in the past. Emmet looks mostly indifferent but a little amused, and I know his mind won't hold any emotion that hasn't already manifested itself in his features.
Carlisle and Rosalie stand farther back, possibly worried about the future of a certain human boy, but I forget about them and wallow in the comfort of being back with Alice and my mother. I try to tell them about their decision but Esme shushes me; she's just glad I have returned.
Carlisle, as I knew he would, eventually moves closer.
"Lynn, we all glad you're here, of course. But what are your plans? I'm not sure going back to school would be wise. Maybe we could tell the locals you decided to take some online courses instead? Make up some excuse?" Joy for my return and concern about the chief's son are in conflict.
"Was it that bad, sister? So bad you had to leave?"
Emmett asks me, half-smiling, after Esme and Alice have released me from their embrace.
"You should know…" I glare at him but he's not impressed. We are just joking around but he knows I'm a dangerous opponent despite the size disparity; my mind reading evens the field.
"Just kill him and be done with it…." Esme and Carlisle visibly flinch.
"Emmett….."
He doesn't need to say anything else; my brother looks contrite.
"If it's like what I experienced, I know it's hard to resist it. I'm sorry father. I know I failed you but it was overwhelming… I'm not sure Lynn can go to school with this boy and not feel it."
"And she has to sit next to him in French."
"Alice…" I scold her, and notice Jasper is shaking his head.
"I thought your control could rival Carlisle's…" He smirks, bemused, but then his features soften. "At least, now we will share a similar burden…"
"Yes, we will. I intend to go back to school."
Esme gasps and Carlisle frowns. I read the question in his mind and answer it.
"Father, I'm sure I can rein in my thirst. I went hunting on the way back. I couldn't feed on him even if I wanted to, but it doesn't matter; I'm determined. I won't let you down."
"Alice?" Carlisle asks, but I know what she's thinking.
"I don't see any problem; she won't kill him…." The space between her brows furrows and puckers. "At least not tomorrow…"
Now we all look at her, frowny and concerned…
"What do you mean?" Usually she can divine my future actions very clearly. Her powers work best with people closest to her. I search her mind and, sure enough, past Monday I only see shadows and mist.
Esme's and Carlisle's concern increase when she explains that she can't see very far in my future at the moment.
"Why do you think that is?" Father asks, looking perplexed.
"I don't know," she shake her head, the spikes gelled in her hair flail in harmony with their master's discomfort. We are very close and normally she could easily see as far as weeks or months ahead. I shiver.
"The chief's son, Brandon, did he notice anything strange about you, the day you left?" Carlisle asks me, forcing me to remember that awful French class.
"He could tell I was angry; I'm sure of that. If looks could kill he would have died a different way but he still wouldn't have made it out of there alive. I heard a classmate also noticed I was angry, but I never said a word and I didn't do anything stupid; I just acted like a human. I scanned all minds in the vicinity… But…."
"But what? Alice prods me, and Carlisle looks very interested.
"There is one problem. I can't read his mind."
My family members freeze.
"You can't read his thoughts?" Carlisle's question is a muted whisper, but hardly anybody's moving. Humans might mistake our tableaux for a group of garden statues. "Had that ever happened before…?" He half mumbles before I can reply.
"No," I answer, still unsure of what this all means. Alice has perked up, and she seems about to say something. Rosalie beats her to the punch.
"I don't like all this." Rosalie barks so roughly that her usually melodious voice sounds strange… Heads turn to look at her. "Don't you see..? A lot of weird things are happening. It all started when this boy moved to town. At first Lynn had to leave, unable to resist the temptation of his blood, and now Alice can't see her future, something so rare as to be almost impossible. It can't be a coincidence."
I want to protest, but Alice, of all people, agrees with her.
"Rosalie's right. There might be some kind of connection. Why did this kid move to Forks?"
"I'm not sure. Charlie just told me his son was moving in with him. He lived in Phoenix with his mother."
"We are worrying about nothing." I scoff. "He's just another predictable human…"
Alice elbows me with enough force to make me grunt.
"Not that predictable, little sister, or have you forgotten our bet?"
"What bet?" Carlisle asks, curious more than anything; we all crave distractions and he often joins in.
Emmett explains it to him, and Alice trills that for the first time a boy asked about Lynn first. They all pretend to forget I'm there and exchange comments to the effect that I finally have an admirer. If they could read mind they'd know too many boys have dared seduce me in their minds. I usually don't advertise the fact; those thoughts are just so disgusting…
"Regardless, I'm still confident I can stay disciplined. Maybe Jasper and Alice can look over me…"
I look into Alice's mind and, for tomorrow at least, I only see a normal school day. She's usually right, but the future is in constant flux and nothing is cast in stone. I relish the challenge, buoyed by the fact that it will also give me an opportunity to decipher the boy's silence through a more conventional approach. I'm happy I'm home, where I belong.