A/N: Ok sooooo, this chapter was done and I realized it could work here and I wouldn't have to keep anyone waiting too long if you're still here lol. Hopefully I'll have the "continuance" of the last chapter up sometime next week.

I know this has been a mess, but I thank you for being here with me if you still are! Life is crazy and ya lol.

Anyway, welcome back Elliot stabler?

——-ES——-

Song: Human- Rag'n'Bone Man

Lyrics:

I'm only human

I make mistakes

I'm only human

That's all it takes

To put the blame on me

Don't put the blame on me

——-ES——-

Chapter 3- Human

February 13th 4:06PM

Manhattan, NY

Busy city streets were nothing new to Elliot Stabler. Especially in one of New York city's most famous Burroughs, Manhattan. This used to be his playground. He knew every short cut, every dead end, and every one way street. He could navigate with his eyes closed if he had to.

Being back here felt like coming home, even if it wasn't under the best circumstances. He shouldn't be here; god knows it, he knows it, Kathy would know it if she knew where he was at all. That was besides the point, he stayed away as long as he could.

He had been back in New York for a year, but he hadn't felt the need to leave Queens. Not Until he had seen the news of Olivia's ordeal. Actually, that wasn't entirely true. He had felt pulled here since the day he left, literally day one. He had only felt it stronger every single day he's been back. He's just been able to fight it, and he was strong enough. He could continue his lies to Kathy, to god, to himself. Until a few days ago.

Elliot walked frantically, weaving in and out of the droves of people who occupied the rainy, crowded sidewalks. It had been eight days. Eight long, long days since he had seen Olivia's face on the news. He can still see the caption scrolling along the bottom of the breaking news section. "Hero cop saves family of four." He couldn't hear much over the crowd of people at the bar, and he certainly wasn't prepared to see her that day, especially not like that. The blood came rushing to his ears, and his heart was pounding. He wanted to jump into a cab and go see her. But he had no idea where to find her, he realized.

He knew where to find her now, under the cover of daylight, or at least where to start. He had calmed himself long enough to talk himself out of ruining everything he had been working for over the past seven years. His family. Only as he sat there, day after day, night after night telling himself that he, Elliot Stabler, lifelong catholic, married not to mention family man, would ruin his marriage over his ex- partner... Who he hadn't seen or spoken to in over seven years. One he had left without so much as a goodbye, one he left in the throws of passion. One who deserved so much more.

Only now he was willing to do whatever it took if it meant she'd give him the time of day. . Because fuck if he didn't try… he tried to forget Olivia. He got the phone calls, he heard the voice mails, he read every single text message until eventually they stopped coming. Until eventually he was so deep undercover, any trace of his old life had become nothing more than a beautiful nightmare.

He had tried to think about his wife, his kids, especially Eli. He was so young at the time… he's still so young, too young to understand why Elliot did what he did by going undercover, and why he's doing what he's doing now. Maybe one day he'll tell him. He'll tell him Jenna's name, and how he shot her. How he took the life of a grieving, distraught, young woman who had just lost her mother. How he felt he had to go undercover to help stop that kind of thing from happening to even one more person if he could help it. How Eli got him through those times, how his family, including his mother, got him through those times, how Olivia got him through those times…

Olivia had crept up on him, every single day. In some way shape or form she had managed to slip into his subconscious. Even when he was overseas, Bologna Italy to be exact. He had gotten as far away from New York, as far away from her as he possibly could. He had tried doing the local thing for a while. He had worked at a couple of precincts in Queens, and one in Long Island, he even tried a corrections facility in New Jersey for a while. But the temptation was too strong. His ex-partner was only a handful of subway stops away.

So when the FBI offered him a chance to go undercover in Italy, to help take down a ring of sex traffickers specializing in underaged boys and girls, he jumped. He immediately started packing, gave his wife and Eli a kiss goodbye, left her with a note, and went to FBI headquarters in an unmarked car. No questions asked. He couldn't save Jenna, or himself but he could hopefully help save someone else, and he hoped he could forget Olivia all together.

The case broke two years, four months, and six days later. Eliot counted. Everything. Every day, every victim lost, every abuser killed, every kill he was forced to make….

He counted every time Olivia entered his dreams, every time he had seen her face in a crowd of people, every time he dreamt of her taste, her touch, her anything... He counted every time he felt guilty for not thinking about Kathy the way he thought about Olivia….

He counted both of Eli's birthdays. Thought about how he had grown, what he had learned. How he was behaving for his mother… his mother whom Elliot loved, but wasn't in love with… He stayed with her for his family, he had reasoned, he stayed with her because god would spite him, because it was his duty, because he was a fucking coward.

Still, on this day he moved. One step in front of the other, bare ring finger in tow, as he inched closer and closer to the 16th precinct Manhattan. Olivia would be there, she had to be. It had been eight days since he had seen her on TV walking out of the elegant brownstone with a gun to her head. She'd be chomping at the bit, eager to get back on the streets and do what she did best… and he'd face her, he'd take whatever she had to throw at him, in front of a crowd, behind closed doors, physical, verbal, it didn't matter… he'd take it, and he'd deserve it. He'd wait for her. He would do whatever it took.

Olivia got him through the front doors of the building today. He hadn't been here for seven years. Since the day he shot Jenna, since the day he thought he had lost Olivia for good, and he realized he couldn't live in a world without her. He thought she was dead, bleeding out on the floor when he pulled the trigger on Jenna. He didn't rationalize what he had done, quite honestly he didn't think past his own brief, yet instantaneous grief. He just pulled the trigger.

Everything was a blur after that. Blue eyes lingered in brown He registered Olivia's voice and made brief eye contact, before he laid eyes on the rest of his squad, and then he left. He dropped his gun for IAB, and bolted. He'd do his due diligence as far as the job was concerned later. That's all he could remember from that day. That's all he had room for.

——-ES——

February 13th 4:48pm

16th precinct SVU, Manhattan

The elevators dinged open before Elliot registered he was only moments away from having to face his ex-partner. His heart beat wildly in his chest, in sync with each of his rapidly falling footsteps. The precinct was unfamiliar. It had been upgraded since he had last been here.

Nervous blue eyes scanned the busy office looking for a familiar face. Special victims unit was always busy, there was very rarely a dull moment, so it was easy to lose a face in the crowd. "Can I help you?" An unfamiliar voice asked him from behind. He turned to find a short blonde who regarded him skeptically.

His eyes narrowed at her defensive mannerisms, but he cleared his throat and uttered six words he thought he wouldn't say for a long time, if ever again... "I'm here to see Olivia Benson." He felt a hand on his shoulder then, before he heard his old friend.

"Elliot Stabler in the flesh." Fin was standing next to him, he could see him in his peripheral vision, but his eyes never wavered from the stranger in front of him. She didn't like him. This blonde stranger didn't know him from Adam, but she didn't like him. If looks could kill he would be lying dead on the floor right now.

He finally tore his eyes away and fixed a smile on his face before extending his hand out. "Fin, I've missed you."

Fin tilted his head up then, "you'd hardly know it man," he dug in right away. No need to pussyfoot around something that could be settled right then and there.

Elliot took in a deep breath before exhaling slowly pulling his hand back from the rejected handshake. "I know. But I mean it." He clicked his jaw then. "We'll catch up later, I swear, but I'm uh…" he cleared his throat then, pulling at the collar of his jacket before nervously speaking. "I'm actually looking for Olivia."

"She's not here," Fin said without hesitation.

"I'll wait." Elliot moved to take a seat before he was stopped by a hand on his arm.

Fin scanned his eyes over to Elliot before looking over at his Partner who was regarding both men through narrowed eyes. "Let's go grab a coffee," his eyes never wavered from Amanda's as he spoke.

Amanda made a move then, her mouth opened to speak before Fin stepped between her and Elliot, cutting her off in her tracks. "I think we got some catching up to do, don't you?" Fin asked, leading Elliot away from his fuming friend. "Besides, I think you owe me a few coffees anyway." He left no room for arguments as he moved to grab his jacket.

——-ES——-

February 13th 5:18pm

Manhattan Coffee Shop

Rain fell from the sky in a steady stream as Fin and Elliot made their way into a squad favorite coffee shop. It was a standing room only when they entered, many patrons dipping in for a warm cup of coffee to ward off the wet cold day. Voices fought for dominance, each one blending in with the next as excited chatter filled the tightly packed room. "Start talking." Fin's voice broke through the noise as they stood waiting in line with nothing but time between them.

Elliot ran a hand over his face, Fin wasn't holding back today, and honestly Eliot shouldn't have expected less. He knew he would have to jump through hoops to get to Liv, it couldn't have been easy for him. He cleared his throat and looked straight ahead, blue eyes scanning the menu just for something to do as he spoke. "What do you want to know?" The sooner he got this over with the closer he was to finding out where Olivia was.

They made a step forward as the line moved at a somewhat steady pace, "Let's start with the beginning." Fin shoved his hands in his pocket as he looked over to the familiar stranger standing beside him.

"You mean from when I shot Jenna?" Elliot asked, shifting uncomfortably on his feet.

"I mean from when you walked away without a word to anyone." Fin scratched his chin as they both took another step forward.

Elliot scanned the room, he was still very guarded when it came to talking about life after the Jenna incident. When he realized he didn't recognize anyone in the immediate vicinity he spoke. "I didn't have a choice man," Elliot locked eyes with Fin for the first time since they'd entered the coffee shop, hoping one of his oldest friends would understand what he was saying. Praying that he understood how deep those simple words were rooted.

Fin's features softened as he regarded his friend. He had been on the job long enough to know that sometimes you just had to walk away for a while. It didn't take long for him to flip the switch though before he spoke again. " You had a choice to weather or not to say something, at least to Liv." He shook his head.

Elliot could feel his blood boiling beneath the surface as he contemplated his next words. Fin was right, he had a choice, and he owed an explanation to Olivia at the very least, especially after the way he left...he'd never get those half naked images of Olivia under his fingertips out of his mind, But that's none of Fin's business, and he couldn't tell him the full extent of the truth if he wanted to, not without at least talking to Olivia first. "Look," Elliot strained out as he bit the inside of his cheek, "there was a lot going on, and I should've said something at least to Liv, ok?" He was struggling to keep his voice to a minimum as he spoke. "But I didn't, I fucked up, and I'm trying to own up to that now."

They stood in silence for the rest of their wait, Elliots words brewing between them. Fin for his part was trying to decide whether or not he could trust his former friend, and Elliot for his part was trying to decide how much he was willing to give up in return for what he wanted.

It wasn't until they found a table in the corner, coffee in hand that Elliot finally broke the silence between them. "I can't say much about it yet, but I was undercover for the FBI." Elliot offered before taking a sip of his coffee,

Hoping to ease back into conversation. At the moment this seemed to be the easiest way back in.

"That would explain some of the silence." Fin jabbed again, because it felt nice to release some pent up aggression towards Elliot Stabler.

Elliot couldn't help but laugh as he set his coffee down on the marble surface of the table. God he was an idiot, he definitely shouldn't be here. If this was Fin's reaction to him, he could only imagine Olivia's. It had been too long, too many wounds had been covered over by an ugly scar left behind by the man who seemingly walked away so easily. He could scream to the heavens if he had the courage to say out loud that walking away from Olivia Benson was the single hardest thing he had ever done in his life. But this wasn't just about her, or them. He walked away for him, and his family, and at the time it seemed like a good idea, maybe no one would ever understand that. "I get it Fin, you're pissed. And maybe I shouldn't have come here." Elliots smile faded then as he ground his teeth together internally struggling with his fight or flight reaction. Surely there was an easier way to get to Olivia…

There was no movement across the table until Fin eventually started laughing. Elliot noticed the rise and fall of broad shoulders before a light chuckle broke through the recent tension. Elliot furrowed his eyebrows wondering if the world around him was just simply going crazy, or maybe it was him, but then Fin spoke and broke him out of his resolve. "Look man," He tried to steady himself, not so sure why he was laughing at all. "A lot happened while you were away, and it's not really my place to give you any of the details." He wiped a stray tear from his eye, as the laughing subsided and his tone turned more serious. "I will give you her number, under one condition." Fin picked up a napkin from the table and pulled a pen from his pocket as his eyes met Elliots.

Elliot's form instantly relaxed and he nodded confirming he'd comply.

"Take it slow," Fin was jotting down an unfamiliar sequence of numbers as he spoke. "I don't pretend to know what you two had, or what you're hoping to gain here," he didn't look up as he tucked the pen back in his pocket. "But Olivia's been through a lot, and I'm assuming you have too." He might not know who Elliot is now, but he can recognize the look of someone who's been through the ringer. Especially one whom he used to know so well.

Elliot wasn't sure what he was trying to gain there either, not really. He would take whatever Olivia was willing to offer, no questions asked. He was willing to do whatever it took to get whatever communication lines opened he could. "I just want to talk to her," he confessed , because it was true. "If i can't wear her down after a few minutes I'll disappear until she's ready to talk to me."

Fin seemed happy with that since he slid over her number messily scribbled down, the numerical sequence rested on the brown napkin giving Elliot more hope than he had had in years. He tucked the napkin in his pocket, letting it share space with his phone in this pocket. Fin's phone rang then as Elliot made a mental note of the numbers he already had committed to memory. "I gotta go, my number hasn't changed." Fin reached out a hand finally willing to compromise and open his own line of communication. "Olivia isn't who she used to be." Fin spoke as he and Elliot shared a firm handshake. "I guess I should tell you she quit about a week ago and that this might not be as easy as you think." With that he left, leaving Elliot to his thoughts.

——-ES——-

February 13th 7:48 pm

Hell's Kitchen Deli

Elliot had called in a favor owed, and it was quite easy to get Olivia's address from the police database. He knew it would be, and knew he could've started there to begin with, but that just felt too impersonal, and so many boundaries had already been crossed, he might as well cut his losses.

So here he sits, in a Deli across the street from Olivia's apartment, picking at a sandwich that he was simply too nervous to eat, trying to work up the courage to face the woman he had spent so long trying to forget. He was so close to Olivia now he could feel her energy pulling at him through two buildings and across a New York City street like an invisible tether.

Elliot stared out the window at the unfamiliar building belonging to his ex-partner, willing his feet to work on their own volition, and cross the damn street, but the stubborn bastards stood rooted to the spot unwilling to cooperate. Elliot had spent so many days, and more sleepless nights than he could count going over what he'd say to her. "I had to focus on my family." It was an easy excuse, one she might not question too much… but it was a lie. "I couldn't come back, there was just too much baggage." Closer to the truth, but still not good enough. "I thought I could forget you." The truth, but he's a selfish prick for admitting it, he thinks.

His ringing phone shook him from his thoughts. It was Kathy, he knew it was because the guilt pulling at his gut was palpable. They were seperated, again, he had told her he needed time, but the truth was his mind was already made up… he wanted Olivia benson… Kathy didn't deserve the lies, and since he was already preparing his soul for hell, he should just finally admit to what his wife had been alluding to for years. He was in love with Olivia Benson, and the time had come that he could no longer fight it.

He didn't know what the future held between him and Olivia, or if there was even a future at all. But even in his fucked up brain he knew what this could do to Kathy. He needed to be sure of something, anything, before he hurt more people he loved.

He had known it for longer than he was willing to admit that Kathy was right about his feelings for Olivia. And heaven help him he should answer the fucking phone that was still ringing in his hand, and tell her where he was and what his intentions were. He should own up to his sins, and confess them to her before he crossed the street and possibly changed the course of their lives forever, because there was no way he could walk away from Olivia again.

He should stop being such a damn asshole, and go home and explain everything to her in person because after all the bull shit Kathy put up with through the years, she was still there, willing to stand by his side and work through whatever to make their marriage work.

Thunder shook the windows of the minimally filled deli, temporarily knocking out the power all at once causing his phone to stop ringing. The pang in his gut released almost instantly but it didn't stop him from looking down and seeing Kathy's name on the screen, a missed call with no voicemail to follow.

His sandwich lay all but forgotten on the table in front of him looking more unappealing than ever. He loosened his tie, as she shoved his phone back in his pocket and for the first time felt a pause to his actions.

He was too close now, too close to turn back, he reasoned, and so he gathered his sandwich, threw it in the trash and got ready to brave the temperamental weather and cross the street.

Enough with the thinking, nothing was coming to him anyway, and what explanation would ever be good enough? He was just going to show up, knock, and hope like hell that she didn't punch him before he ever got the chance to speak. Maybe he'd just come out with it, and confess his love, maybe he could make up an excuse about why he was there and how he had found her. Maybe he'd tell her about all the things he had been through and hope she would take pity on him.

He crossed the street with a run then, pulling his jacket over his head, hoping to block some of the unforgiving rain falling on him like arrows from above. It's adrenaline that's driving him forward, moving one foot in front of the other like his life depended on it.

He stops when he reaches the front door of the building. Years of police training affords him the knowledge that it won't take much to get in the door when he's ready. But he chooses to take a steadying breath before the rest of his pursuit.

Blue eyes scan the door panel to his left, Benson O. Is listed three rows down on the right. Elliots heart beats a little faster as a steady hand moves forward and selects row five on the left panel, and he prays to god whoever lives there is home.

"Yeah?" The voice is barely audible over the downpour of rain.

"Electric company." He rasps out without any other words.

There's a buzz then, and Elliot pulls at the front door without hesitation. He's moving on autopilot then. He's never been here before, but he stops thinking and allows the ever growing energy he feels guide him. His stomach is flip flopping around with nerves, and his heart is beating so fast he swears it's going to pop out.

He's close now, after seven flights of stairs and a left turn. He can feel her. Jesus this isn't just his imagination. 7B, he repeats it in his head like a mantra inching closer and closer to the life he left behind.

And then he's there, standing in an empty hallway like a fool. Willing himself to lift his hand a knock. "It's now or never." He takes a deep breath in, lifting his hand and beginning a steady stream of knocks. "It's now." He determines, and he's not leaving until he sees her.

Images of their last time together flood his brain; black lace, olive skin, brown eyes, Olivia, Olivia, Olivia.

She's not answering, but he's not leaving, not until he lays his eyes on her and sees she's okay for himself. He's knocking incessantly now, his knuckles are already reddening with the force, "come on Liv," he sends up a silent prayer.

"Jesus Christ, I'm coming!" It's Olivia's voice, he can breathe a little… she's there, she's home… he's so close.

"I'm here for you Liv," he thinks as the door comes flying open, "and I'll never leave you again."