It was too much, it was overwhelming. First, he's pulled from the shelter in what seemed like an eternity by an alpha, only to be left in the hands of another. He was alone, without orders to obey for the first time in a long, long time. There was no routine, neither an alpha barking orders, there wasn't a supervisor, there wasn't any other omega talking to him, nothing, just deep, hazy uncertainty. He panicked and then put his unaccustomed legs to use, waiting the worst in a small closed, scared and confused. It was all to much, he felt so…drained. Exhausted
There was no in-between, it was being in the frightening company of an alpha, but without the terror of not knowing what to do, or being left totally alone with the thoughts of him slowly consuming him.
And he was alone again. Alone, waiting for the alpha to come in to "talk". That's what Tracy said.
Crowley took a deep breath, control yourself, control yourself, control yourself ...
He took another step into the bedroom, it was big, very big and for some reason beyond his comprehension that made him even more uncomfortable. Maybe it was because he felt vulnerable, maybe it was because he had to turn completely around to see the rest of the bedroom ... maybe it was because, obviously, the scent of alpha filled the room.
His lower lip trembled and he buried his teeth in it, the pain distracting him. The scent of alpha ... it was strong, like coffee and ... and... it was something else and Crowley couldn't name. It was an earthy smell, but there was more to it. Static, tension ... it was the smell of the earth when a thunderstorm was coming.
That didn't calm his senses at all.
He felt that at any moment lightning would strike.
Glancing around, he noticed that the room was equally well decorated as the rest of the mansion, perhaps even more. Violet curtains, purple carpet with gold accents, furnished without a single speck of dust. And a couple of mirrors.
In fact, there were three mirrors. He let out a very weak sarcastic laugh. Egocentric, that seemed just right for his general idea about alphas.
He took another step, not daring to touch anything this time. He kept his hands uncomfortably stiff and immobile as possible as he slowly wandered around the bedroom. He wondered if he could sit on the bed ... or maybe he should wait for him on the bed, which seemed more logical.
Except a part of his mind said no, that doesn't seem logical at all.
He, the alpha, didn't seem angry and didn't seem to have any intention of hitting him or something worse, not at the moment, at least. He could be wrong. He was wrong guessing the age of the alpha, whom was not some ignorant and careless youngster. If he had to guess again, he would say his age was around Crowley's.
So Cowley couldn't be his first omega, surely, could he? Maybe he just preferred not keeping anyone in his house, just a quick trip to a bar for a night and that was it.
He made the decision to sit awkwardly on the bed and play with his fingers. They needed to talk, Tracy had said, just talk. He didn't know if he would be able to have a long conversation with him, with any alpha for that matter. They taught them to be quiet around alphas.
That wasn't his problem, his problem was that he couldn't keep his fucking mouth shut.
The door opened and all of Crowley's senses went on alert. The alpha entered slowly, rubbing his fingers against his closed eyes, looking tired.
Once inside, he closed the door carefully and stared at him, Crowley hadn't noticed the color of his eyes, a deep purple. Those beautiful eyes surely were just an extra reason to enlarge the alpha's ego, as if alphas needed more ego.
"Ah, I see that you are better" he took a couple of steps, he was untying the knot of his cravat, that was not a good sign "Tracy told me you did not have dinner"
Crowley hesitated to answer, but noticing how the alpha looked at him expectantly he decided to explain. "I wasn't hungry ... in ... in the shelter they prepared a lot of food to say goodbye to me" he replied with his head down.
"How nice of them" he smiled sarcastically, "must have been a top notch shelter" there was a sharpness in his voice, he wasn't buying it and Crowley felt his skin crawl being caught in the lie
But the alpha did nothing, he opened a drawer and put the cravat away with measured care, then turned his attention back to the omega "What's your name?"
Crowley avoided his gaze, although the alpha was only a few inches taller, he seemed much stronger, his muscles well defined. With Sandalphon, Crowley at least had the certainty of being able to put up a good fight "Anthony Crowley"
"'Tony, then"
He couldn't help but meet his gaze and frown. "Don't like that," said tightly, then added, barely audible, "I mean…I'd rather just Crowley, alpha"
The alpha remained expressionless, "Crowley" repeated as if he was testing the name "... Crowley ... Yes, I like it" and smiled like a salesman trying to sell something. He approached and extended his hand "Gabriel"
Crowley flinched as soon as he saw Gabriel moving, but understanding his intentions, he reached out a trembling hand and shook it with the alpha. Crowley had never shook hands with an alpha before, no such formality was necessary when you were bought from a glorified brothel, he supposed.
Gabriel took his hand firmly, and nodded slightly. Then stepped back and looked around him, he seemed confused, too "Well Crowley ... uh ... welcome"
Crowley kept his gaze on the floor, what was he supposed to say? "Thank you, alpha"
The impatient way the alpha tapped his foot on the floor did not go unnoticed. What would happen as soon as that patience ran out?
You're in his bedroom, sitting on his bed and you're an omega, what else could it be?
He gulped, the alpha was speaking, but none of his words actually reached Crowley, his breath starting to shake once more. Relax, relax, relax, control your nerves, whatever he asks you to do, whatever he wants, endure it, endure it...it's just sex, it will end quickly, will end quickly, will end quickly
"Hey!" The alpha raised his voice and clapped his hands, drawing Crowley's attention, he had moved away from the bed, closer to the window, his eyebrows furrowed and his nose wrinkled. "You're shaking" pointed out the obvious, except it wasn't obvious, Crowley hadn't noticed, neither had realized that he was now hugging himself.
"Could you ... just ... just tell me what to do and get this over with?" asked in a shaky voice, his face filled with shame, he was so pathetic.
Gabriel blinked "Well, I was trying to do that, I guess we'll save the heavy talk for tomorrow" and waved a hand "Come on, get up"
He inhaled deeply, calm, calm ... Slowly he stood up and looked at the alpha, he gulped, what now?
"There" the alpha raised a hand and made a motion with it, an indication for Crowley to follow him. He turned around, opening the door once more.
Crowley diligently followed him, not too close, but not too far, either. Outside the Bedroom, the alpha pointed to a corridor with several doors, just to the left "Pick one."
The omega frowned and looked at the alpha "Me?"
"Yes, the one you like best" he shrugged "Most of the bedrooms are the same, same decoration, same size… and they are unoccupied, no one lives here besides me and the servants"
"If ... they are all the same, why d-don't you choose one for me? ... Alpha"
Gabriel cocked his head almost imperceptibly, but his confusion was quite obvious in his eyes. "Because... you're the one who will sleep there?"
Crowley was quiet, it didn't really matter, did it? It occurred to him that, most likely, the alpha did not want to spend the night with him in his room, surely he would be disgusted to have Crowley in his bed.
So it didn't matter which room.
Cautiously he took a couple of steps towards the first door, the one that was right next to the alpha's room and placed his hand on the doorknob for a moment, behind him Gabriel looked at him with a mixture of impatience and uneasiness. . He finally turned the doorknob and walked into the room.
"I think ... this one"
Gabriel followed him, he didn't stop to look at the room that much "Here?" he didn't even try to remind the omega that he hadn't seen the others.
"Yes, alpha"
Gabriel nodded and entered the room, walking around "Good, good ...See, the sheets are kept here, there is the closet and that door leads to a bathroom and-" he turned, only to find the omega unbuttoning his jacked, his fingers trembling again and his face crumpled with shame.
Gabriel let out a surprised huff, his eyes shocked and concerned "What are you? ... No, don't! …I am not…" He looked around, gesturing with his hands, even in his nervous state, Crowley could tell that Gabriel also seemed to be on the edge, and he couldn't understand why "Don't" he said again, and Crowley obeyed.
"Look, sweetie…I would be very appreciative if you kept your clothes on while I'm here"
Crowley felt his face flush with shame, if possible he hunched over more and lowered his hands to either side, tensed.
Gabriel seemed to want as if he wanted to say something, he opened his mouth for a moment, but did not form a word. Instead, he sighed heavily.
He looked around quickly "Just ... make yourself comfortable and that's it, tomorrow we'll talk about ... your situation here"
Silence.
Gabriel approached, just a couple of steps and frowning, Crowley made an effort to keep his head even lower "Where did you leave your things? I guess you brought clothes"
Crowley's lower lip trembled, and he gasped "I wanted to ... talk about it, I brought two bags with me, b-but ... They stayed in the carriage."
Gabriel raised an eyebrow "With Sandalphon?"
"Yeah"
The alpha clicked his tongue "Too bad, knowing him, he will burn them thinking you carry a disease or bedbugs" he cocked his head "We will have to buy you new clothes"
Crowley looked up, eyes wide "N-no!" he protested in a broken voice "N-no ... please, they are ... important" once again he avoided the alpha's gaze, glancing towards a distant corner "I don't have bedbugs" ... Could you ... go to look for them? It's your friend…s-sir"
Gabriel scoffed, and Crowley could feel his hopes leaving him, but the alpha kept talking " 'Friend' Funny ... I'll see what I can do."
Gabriel stepped back, to Crowley's relief "For now, though, I'll have to lend you some" he looked up and down at the omega " ... I'll be back "
He looked at himself in the bathroom mirror, if he looked pathetic before in his suit that was a bit too big for him, now he looked ridiculous. Gabriel had given him some nightgowns to sleep in and a couple of casual clothes, having something clean and fine to wear was a little relief from all the hustle and bustle.
As soon as he came out of the bathroom, the alpha was still there, looking at him curiously. At least he didn't laugh "Well , uh…it will do" he paused for a moment, noticing how Crowley didn't dare step out of the threshold "So ... good night, then"
Something inside him twisted "Are you going to leave me here alone, all the night?"
"Yes, of course" he replied confused, his brow furrowed "The alternative is not very ... practical. Why?"
"I-…"
"Yes?"
"I'm not-…I-" He shook his head "…Nothing, alpha"
Gabriel rolled his eyes and grimaced "Gabriel"
Crowley looked at him confused, but didn't dare to say more.
"Don't call me alpha, we have a name for something, don't we?"
That was new, it was easier to never call them by their names ... because that was humanizing all of his abusers, and somehow, it was more painful to think that everything they had done to him was done by humans with names, with feelings like him.
Gabriel was now staring at him harshly, trying to guess his mental debates. Crowley trembled at the thought that if the alpha could read his thoughts, he would get so angry that he would make him pay for his offense.
"You wouldn't like me to call you omega all the time, I'm right?" he tried again.
Crowley blinked, maybe it was a test, maybe he was looking for a reason to deserve punishment, he wasn't going to fail "It's not my decision, alpha"
"Gabriel-" he corrected, now more exasperated.
Crowley was silent, his gaze fixed on the floor.
He heard the alpha sigh "Good night," he closed the door, and then heard a few steps down the hall.
Crowley didn't step out of the threshold of the bathroom door until he heard the door to the alpha's bedroom close, on the other side of the wall.
He sat down on the bed gingerly, as if at any moment teeth were going to grow out and bite him. One minute, two minutes, three minutes ... one leg on the bed, one on the floor.
One minute, two minutes, three minutes, four, five, six ... two legs on the bed, eyes fixed on the door, waiting for it to open at any moment.
The door would open, the alpha would come in, showing him that it was all fake kindness and a cruel joke for twisted amusement. He needed to stay alert.
As if that's going to be of any use, you fool.
As if staying alert could prevent anything. He is stronger than you.
One minute, two minutes, three minutes, four minutes-
He heard the creak of wood and jumped on the bed. But nobody entered. Maybe a servant was just passing by?
He gasped in horror at the idea that crossed his mind. There were many servants in the mansion, even if Gabriel meant nothing, what would stop any of the servants? And Gabriel wouldn't lift a finger, would he?
He was alone, vulnerable in a strange house, full of strangers, in strange clothes.
His neck was beginning to beg to change position, to release tension, but Crowley refused to take his eyes off the door. His fingers were gripping the sheets fiercely. His legs gathered as close to the rest of his body as possible without obstructing his vision to the door.
One minute, two minutes, three minutes, four minutes, five minutes, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven...
The branches of a tree hit the window, and Crowley yelped, but immediately his hand darted up and covered his mouth, again he stared at the door, waiting for it to open and the alpha to arrive, shouting, telling him to be good and quiet.
No one came.
Crowley almost felt the need for someone to come. At least he could change his position. Stretch his legs.
One minute, two minutes, three minutes, four...
But what could happen if he did? What would be the worst that would happen if he just lowered his head and made himself comfortable in bed, just for a few minutes? He tried to reason with himself.
The alpha told him to make himself comfortable.
He sneered bitterly, the alpha is a liar, of course.
One minute, two minutes, three, four, five, six, seven ...
Another noise startled him, the creaking of a nearby chair, he thought. He suppressed a shudder, he would have preferred the alpha to leave him a candle.
Every sound, every creak, it all felt too much. As if more than sound, it was physical. The creaking of the oak branches outside pushed him back on the bed as if he had been touched.
And he couldn't understand why ... The shelter was full of noise.
One minute, two minutes, three, four, five ...
Except that in the shelter he was never completely alone, the space felt small, suffocating even. And he knew all the rooms, by heart.
One minute, two minutes, three minutes, four ...
Howls nearby, just like that afternoon. Was the property haunted by a pack of wolves?
One minute, two minutes, three minutes, four, five ,six...
Seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven...
Twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen…
Twenty...
Thirty-five...
…
Warm light filtered through the window and flooded the entire room. Too much light, Crowley could barely make out past his bed, the light blinding him. The rest of the room felt fuzzy, as if there was nothing beyond his bed and the window. Next to him, someone was sitting on the bed and Crowley knew he was smiling at him
The silhouette was blurred by the light, happy blue eyes met him. His lips moved, and although Crowley heard no sound, he knew what he was saying.
"I brought you a bread roll with butter" he held out his hand with the small bread, probably stolen from the kitchen.
Crowley got up slowly, his surroundings seemed to spin, he lifted a hand to his head and noticed that he had a bandage, but did not care and accepted the bread.
"Thanks angel" He smiled, smiled sincerely.
The face of his companion turned cold then, eyebrows drawn together with concern "Dear-" he started.
"I know what you will say" Crowley interrupted him, although he did not hear his own voice "I'm fine"
His angel shook his head.
"You must see further, dear"
Crowley felt confused, that was not what he was supposed to say "What?" He looked at the bread in his hands, suddenly it was stale, full of mold. Disgusted he dropped it, and it didn't hit the ground, it just kept falling into nothing.
"It's been a long time, my dear" the sweet voice continued, his silhouette seemed more blurred now "But you can't go back"
"Back to where?" He felt panic creep into him "Aziraphale? Wait, where are you? Where are we?"
Aziraphale just smiled.
"Aziraphale! Where are you?! Angel!" Crowley felt himself screaming, but no sound reached his ears, he began to freak out, was Aziraphale even listening? "Angel, answer me, where are you?!"
"Sshhh, far, far away" Aziraphale whispered, his silhouette beginning to fade "Don't come back Crowley, the shelter will be your grave otherwise"
"Wait-! …Don't go, angel, please!"
Aziraphale did not answer, the silhouette was gone, there was nothing left, just an empty whiteness, the light now cold.
Crowley continued to call for his angel without an answer. He just kept screaming and screaming into that void of whiteness until his screams became pathetic cries of despair.
He woke up with a scream, feeling like he was choking, his chest rising and falling trying to get air into his lungs. He looked around, taking a few seconds to recognize the place.
Crowley's hand darted up to his head, there was no bandage. And of course, neither was Aziraphale.
He sat on the bed, waiting for his breathing to calm down, trying to make sense of the dream.
It was new, most of the time Crowley just had nightmares ... This ...wasn't exactly a pleasant dream, but it was better than reliving the nights he shared with an alpha.
He reasoned a bit. Nothing that the Aziraphale said in his dream was ominous or something Crowley didn't know already, really. The angel was far away, he didn't know where, but far away seemed like a good guess. It had been a long time, he couldn't say when exactly because he didn't even make an effort to remember the day, but a long time was right.
Ultimately, Crowley knew that at some point he was going to freak out and kill himself if he didn't leave that damn shelter.
A shaky sigh. He looked at the window, it was still dark outside, that was not new, he had gotten used to never sleeping through the night
"Aziraphale, I'll find you, I promise" he murmured to himself, his voice raspy "I'm out now, I'm one step closer"
He felt as if he should cry, but not a single tear fell. How was he going to find Aziraphale if he was afraid of his own shadow?
How, how ...
A noise took him out of his thoughts, it was not the branches of the tree, nor footsteps, it was his own stomach. He was terribly hungry. Starving.
He had gotten used to eating after waking up in the middle of the night and now he was seeing the consequences. It was a strange house, he felt that something would jump from any corner at any time ...
And yet the hunger was overwhelming, more than the fear.
One minute, two minutes, three minutes ...
One foot on the floor, one on the bed.
One minute, two minutes ...
Both feet on the floor.
One minute...
He was in the hallway, he didn't take the time to look around and regret it. Shadows seemed to watch him from corners but he completely ignored them.
Be brave, be brave, be brave. He repeated to himself over and over as he came down the stairs, his legs shaking.
It was difficult to find his bearings, even more in the dark, panic creeping into him again, what if he got lost? What was he planning to do? This was ridiculous, his only chance and here he was giving the alpha reasons to get rid of him.
He walked down a corridor, then another, and another ... he reached the dining room. He was going well, right? The kitchen must be close.
Door to the right, door to the left. Finally.
But he still couldn't celebrate, there didn't seem to be a single leftover in the kitchen, everything was clean, put away and organized.
First he approached the cauldron ... Nothing. He opened drawers, went through cabinets. It was even more complicated in the dark, he squinted his eyes trying to discern what he was doing, trying not to stumble.
Crowley walked over to where the silverware was kept, then his eyes were fixed on one of the steak knives. Without much thought, he pulled it out of its place and watched it carefully.
Curious, he pressed the tip of his index finger to the edge of the knife.
He leaned across the table, not taking his eyes off the knife. In the shelter they went to extraordinary lengths to prevent any of the omegas from coming into contact with weapons or objects such as knives.
There was no question of why. He had thought about it many times...
A simple cut to the back of his neck, enough to leave a scar ... no more fear that an alpha would want to bond, ever.
And there were others, much more drastic options, of course.
This time he ran his palm along the edge, without pressing too hard, he only felt a slight discomfort, something like a small burning, but ...
He heard footsteps and a door, flickering light approaching.
He dropped the knife immediately and backed away until he was against the wall, paralyzed. The light of candles made him blink several times, dazzled.
Gabriel set the candelabrum aside and looked at him with a raised eyebrow, obviously expecting an explanation. He seemed very tired.
Crowley stood stiff without moving in the slightest, his eyes wide.
"So ..." the alpha started "Why are you awake?" he asked, flatly.
"I-I ..." he inhaled deeply "... Insomnia" that wasn't a lie entirely.
The alpha hummed, unimpressed, he took a couple of steps into the kitchen, arms crossed and his head tilted to the side.
"And… you?" Crowley tried to divert attention from himself.
The alpha smiled "Insomnia".
"A-ah ..." he nodded, then looked sideways, he felt cornered. He was cornered.
Another step and Crowley started shaking "I- ... I was a little h-hungry" he decided that telling the truth was the least dangerous option.
The alpha's eyes moved and glared at the knife left on the table. He took it in his hands and inspected it, then he shot a knowing look at Crowley.
"I see" several more steps, Crowley started to move sideways, trying to get away, but Gabriel just stopped and put the knife away, this time in an upper cabinet.
There was silence, Gabriel was just staring at him, until he finally shook his head "You must be very hungry to dare to get here, in the dark, especially considering your..." he looked Crowley up and down "... Nervousness ".
Crowley did nothing but nod slightly, his eyes on the ground.
Gabriel hummed and started to look around. He opened some upper cupboard, inspecting, he seemed to find something as he closed the cupboard again and approached Crowley to give him something.
Crowley looked down at his hands, his eyes narrowed.
"What's wrong?" the alpha asked "Looks like you've seen a ghost"
Crowley didn't take his eyes off the bread roll he was holding in his hands, he felt a chill run down his back.
"Come on, it's just a bread roll, it's not poisoned or something, it has butter"
Crowley shook his head, trying to react, it was just an interesting coincidence. He looked up "Thank you alph-" he stopped just in time "... I mean ... thank you, Gabriel"
Gabriel smirked and offered him another bread roll "Whatever, now, let's go back to our respective bedrooms, before Tracy finds out that we are attacking the pantry"
And he once again he took the chandelier, and waited for Crowley to come out of the kitchen, to guide him into his room once more.
By the time they reached his bedroom, Crowley had eaten both bread rolls. He opened the door and looked back, Gabriel offered a slight nod "Good night... again" and left.
One minute, two minutes...
Crowley lay back on the bed, he stared at the door for several minutes, he was calmer now and his hunger satiated. This time, it was easy to slip into a deep, dreamless sleep, he needed it.