JADE

The Astro: Going through this pain and surviving is making you a deeper and more complex person, instead of being shallow or superficial.

Jade was devastated. Her beloved Ham had left her. OK, so he had left her mother really – and poor sod, she couldn't blame him there. But Ham tried to keep the peace in their household. He was always the calm personality. He could often bring Audrey off her pedestal when she got too high and mighty. He would be the calming influence for Jade, and would try and engage Derek, coaxing him out of his room.

Jade was looking forward to having another home to visit, after realising Ham was only moving round the corner. And she was to be a big sister, how delightful was that? She loved babies. With the added bonus of upsetting her mother also so win-win, as far as Jade was concerned.

Now what the hell would they do without him? He was the glue that held the Cunningham's together. She was going to miss living with him, she realised, tears running down her face.

Yarnell & Sieckoswki

yarnellsieckoswki .uk

2nd January 2020

Dear Ms Cunningham,

Thank-you for your email dated 27th December 2019, advising that Mr A Chase is to be removed from your pension as your beneficiary 'with immediate effect' due to him being a 'cheating devious ****wit'.

With full transparency of the facts, Mr A Chase was never noted on your policy. You made an enquiry about an amendment in June 2015, but summarily declined stating 'it's my hard-earned money, not his' and to leave your two children, Jade Cunningham and Derek Cunningham, as sole claimants.

Please let us know if we can help with any further enquiries.

Yours sincerely,

Mike Yarnell

Mark Sieckoswki

AUDREY

The Astro: Although it can be overwhelming, the intention is to bring you depth.

Of course, they couldn't have moved to another town, or another country, or another planet! No, they moved into Ham's old house (#lovenest) two bloody streets away!

Ham and Strawberry were regaling all of their social media fans with details of every homemade meal lovingly cooked, every sequin cushion bought, countless selfies wrapped up in bed sheets together or curled up on their couch, surrounded by tasteful beige furnishings, and as much as Audrey didn't want to stalk them, she couldn't help herself and obsessively watched their lives. Zooming in on every photo of Strawberry, hoping to see stretch marks or blemishes, but to no avail.

Yes, the woman who had swept in and destroyed her perfect life was called Strawberry. Strawberry! She was pregnant and they were madly in love.

F-u-c-k!

Her horrible traitorous children, Jade and Derek, would visit this tramp, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother. They looked upon Ham as their step-Dad as he had helped raise them over the past decade. Actually, he had done most of the raising, provided home-cooked meals, ironed school shirts and helped with homework and weekend projects as Audrey was always at work, or tired from being at work.

*Sadly Reader, these spoilt lazy children didn't really care when they saw their Mother flinch as they shared stories of Strawberry's growing belly.

'Mum, you should see Strawberry's belly! She's so adorable, this tiny perfect little football belly. Due any day now. I can't wait to be a big sister. Strawberry makes these amazing organic cookies, absolute lush. Can't you make these, Mum? Much better for your health than those chocolate ones you get from Waitrose. Can you start buying kale? Oh and did I tell you about Strawberry's homemade jam? And she makes the most amazing vegan dishes, doesn't allow meat in her house.' Jade prattled on endlessly to Audrey, sensing her discomfort but not really bothered.

*Horrible child, Reader, but what does one expect when the mother is doubly horrible?

'That slut will get hers,' her loyal mother, Susan, kept telling her on the phone. 'Karma, darling, karma.'

Karma takes too long. I'd rather beat the shit out of her now, thought Audrey. She grimaced and smashed the pasta she was stirring against the side of the saucepan, imagining it was perfect bloody Strawberry's head, whilst her two children were sat at the dining-room table, Derek on his phone, as usual. They had requested a vegan, keto-friendly dish for their dinner, which Audrey was steadfastly ignoring, thinking 'fuck both of you', as she added extra chorizo sausage into the pan.

I want to drink wine from the skull of Strawberry, she thought,pouring herself another glass of wine. Society was too soft now!

STRAWBERRY

The Astro: Embrace your unique and brilliant personality, your creative, free-spirited nature and learn to value your need for freedom.

Strawberry had changed her name by deed poll when she turned eighteen. 'Jane Michaels' didn't really reflect her true personality and she had been cross with her straight-laced parents since she was a child. They couldn't even be bothered to give her a middle name. She was the youngest of three, and it was as if they had used up any little imagination they had on the first two children.

Here are 4 letters in a row, sweetie – J-A-N-E. That is all the effort we're going to make with your name. Now off you trot, Jane, enjoy your life.

Strawberry was petite, and blonde and blue-eyed, with beautiful glowing clear skin and a lithe toned body and people – men and women - often did a double-take when first encountering her.

She had never worked in a conventional way. The thought of an office job or dressing up in power suits made her shudder. She didn't even know what a 'powerpoint' was and had no interest in learning. She loved all things organic, grew her own vegetables, and made soups from scratch and was a passionate vegetarian.

She spent a lot of time at the gym, enrolling in as many yoga and Pilates classes as she could, keen to keep her body fit and healthy. She ran the occasional yoga class for pocket money and moved from man to man, looking for financial support. She had no qualms about this. As far as she was concerned, she was a child of the earth, lived off the earth, passionate about the earth – she had no interest in earning a proper wage to pay for food and shelter and clothes.

Not when there were gullible men everywhere who could provide for her.

She had found from a young age that men were SO easy to manipulate, beginning with her susceptible father, her male teachers and even her male school friends, all bending over backwards to please her. And men loved her, they always had. They wanted to protect her and look after her, and she played this up, playing the little helpless girl, bringing out their alpha-male tendencies.

At the time of our story, Strawberry is in her early thirties and Abraham was her fourth conquest, and at forty, coincided with his mid-life crisis perfectly.

She had spotted him at the gym, working out in the weights section, and started stalking him. She liked the look of this him and, judging by his car and his gym gear designer labels, he obviously had money.

She had been with conquest no.3 at the time: Richard, a wealthy banker, who looked was getting bored with her quinoa inspired dishes and endless Pilates prattle. She lived in his house whilst he was at work, sleeping, healing and playing with crystals, re-centring her energies and life flows. Strawberry was bright enough to know that she had outstayed her welcome when Richard started getting ratty with her, questioning what she did 'all bloody day' and so she was on the hunt for conquest no.4.

She called them Conquests, after she had overheard the boys as school talking about her as a Conquest. They had a bet going as to who would be the first to get in to her knickers. She made sure that none of them did.

A Conquest was a serious matter for Strawberry – they were the lifeline between her happiness or her living on the streets (or back living with her parents, just as bad and unthinkable). She had a simple checklist:

Wealthy

Attractive as she would need to sleep with them often to have access to their cash

Simple – she found most men were simple

See no.1

Sensing it was time to move on, she went to sleep chanting a trusty spell that had always worked for her in the past.

Dear the power from both sky and ground

I am asking you bring passion to my love.

By this spell that I have cast

My wish is a love that will last forever.

The next day, Strawberry started casually chatting with Ham, when he re-filled his water bottle at the gym, and smiled internally at his instant reaction to her, like most men that she met; the adoring eyes, the stuttering, the puffing of the chest, the standing tall.

She made men feel powerful, as she was so petite and even the shortest or skinniest of men immediately puffed out their chests in a nod to their silverback ancestors, and she would smile and flutter and compliment and flirt, with just the right hint of promised hot sex, and could wrap most men around her tiny little fingers.

It would go wrong – and had gone wrong three times before, she needed to improve on her choice of men - once her shiny package wore off and she bored them with her endless prattle of angels, and tarot cards, without any acknowledgment of world or cultural events that all other humans would talk about. She was pretty but an empty vessel.

She would create special (tasteless) stews of green beans, carrots and kale – with no herbs or seasonings, as this would 'detract from the scent of the earth'. She couldn't bear any fried food, it made her gag. Sometimes, men just wanted a big juicy T-bone steak, with gravy and chunky chips covered in salt.

*And women, Reader!

Ham had stood no chance once she turned on the charm. She quickly discovered that he was quite well-off financially with rich parents, and a wealthy old troll girlfriend who made him miserable. He could easily support Strawberry as well as himself, with his own flat, and no mortgage. He was easy pickings, just looking for a way out from the old troll. Enter: Strawberry!

Within a few weeks, she had coaxed him away from the gym for a herbal tea date, and then a second date at a vegan restaurant across town – and after that date, on the walk home, she had pulled him into an alley, lifted her dress, pulled her knickers to one side, and exposed a young and tight smooth (Brazilian waxed) vagina. She told him how wet she was for him, how manly he was and how desperate she was for his cock.

His cock was inside her before you could say 'I love vegetables' and he came within a minute, so turned on was he. She was a bit disappointed with his small penis, but to be taken care of financially was her main goal.

That same night, to seal the deal, Strawberry bent at the knee and sucked Ham's small penis, outside the home that she shared with Conquest no.3. It was pitch-black and quiet and she knew Richard was home as his obnoxious petrol-guzzling Jaguar was parked in the driveway.

Sure enough, her plan worked, as Ham declared his undying love for her, as he helped her off her knees, promising to look after her for the rest of his life. It had taken her a whole week to convince Ham that he should be with Strawberry from their herbal tea date to public exciting sexual encounters.

Hello Conquest no.4!

A few weeks later, after Ham had spent a miserable week in July with Audrey at her Portuguese villa, celebrating her fiftieth birthday, Ham moved Strawberry into his flat, in the same village as Audrey, just a few streets away. His flat had been a gift to Hamster from his parents, and he rented it out for additional income, but his tenants had recently vacated, so it was the perfect time to move Strawberry in. All the utility bills were still paid by direct debit by Ham's parents, how lucky were some people?!

He was now looking at his partner of nine years in disgust – all he could think about was Strawberry; he was a man obsessed, but living a double life, organising a special dinner at Audrey's favourite restaurant with her children in tow, and at the same time, arranging a Removals firm to move his furniture from storage into his flat, back in England.

Strawberry has bombarded Ham with naughty texts and sexy naked selfies during the entire week he was in Portugal, just in case he dared to waver on his promise to look after her.

'I've been thinking about you…with my fingers…'

'I'm wet because of YOU'

'If you're a good boy, I'll be a nasty girl ; )'

She worried needlessly as Ham was head-over-heels for Strawberry and her apparent sweetness and her earth goodness although, to be fair, he hadn't had the pleasure of her kale stews yet. Years of abuse from Audrey, treating him like her Personal Assistant, had worn him down.

Strawberry was so happy. She had ditched Conquest no.3 in the morning (couldn't have a gap as she wouldn't have anywhere to go), leaving a note on a sticky note while he was at work:

Richard, it's been fun but time for me to move on to someone who appreciates my beautiful being. Love, Strawberry x

She skipped into Ham's flat with her meagre belongings in the afternoon. The penthouse flat was so cute and she loved it; tons of potential, all wooden floors and large windows and skylights and even a roof-top terrace with room to grow her vegetables. Ham's furniture had been moved in so she was able to settle in immediately. She wanted to create a cosy love-nest, although material belongings were not something that usually motivated her. Maybe this is 'it', she thought.

Conquest no.3 sent her with a scathing text telling her how happy he was that she was out of his home, as she was a 'life-sucking leech, boring and smelt of mouldy old vegetables'. She smiled pityingly, knowing that he was probably in a lot of pain, and so forgave him for the text abuse, and asked her guardian angels to forgive him also.

*Reader, he was not in pain, in fact he was wondering why he had put up with her nonsense for so long but then he recalled her tight snatch and remembered why.

Strawberry had no qualms about being the 'other woman'. This wasn't important to her and not part of her Conquest list. See no.1.

And for the first time in her young life, she had the stirrings of a maternal nature. She was very fond of Ham and knew he would make an excellent father, especially when she heard him talk so lovingly about Jade and Derek, and he wasn't even their real father. Imagine how amazing he would be with his own child? She was giddy with the thought of it.

She came off the pill, but didn't discuss with Ham, as she didn't want to scare him away. He was already freaked out with cheating on the troll but he had been hiding Strawberry really well for months now. He was terrified of her! It was so pathetic. Strawberry would coo words of strength into his ear, and squeeze his biceps, telling him how strong and impressive he was. She would obediently bed him and kiss him and showered him with love and respect – and then he would leave and head back to the old troll's house.

At the beginning, she was able to tolerate this, but as the weeks went by, she would become sad and lonely with only her guardian angels for company. She wasn't used to not having the full attention of her male companions. She had never lived alone in her entire adult life and she was discovering that she didn't like it.

Ham was trying to pluck up the courage to leave Audrey, but her wrath was legendary, apparently, and he was feeling guilty about leaving Jade and Derek.

Strawberry stepped up her charms and became the perfect partner. She was shagging Ham at every opportunity. She hung on his every word about his boring job – although the boring job allowed him to spend a lot of time with her during daylight hours, when the old troll was at work. She never snapped, never yawned, always wore matching underwear, could be stretched into any sexual position, thanks to her Pilates classes and even lubricated her tiny little arsehole with olive oil (organic) and let Ham enter the dark side. She wanted him to leave the old troll and complete the #lovenest.

She even cooked steak for his birthday dinner, gagging as the meat sizzled in the pain, imagining the cow crying, such was her desperation to have Ham completely devoted to only her!

She consulted her trusty 'Wicca Book of Spells' book, well-worn, heading to the book-marked page:

Very Strong Love – use at your own risk, this will make your lover fall in love with you

Begin by saying the following to the angels:

'Angels of the sky, I summon thee.

Bring Ham to me.

Make Ham love me forever more.

Make Ham love me until I die.

Make our love powerful and romantic.

Make it last, so mote it be.'

After extracting as much sperm from Ham as possible, Strawberry quickly fell pregnant, her body primed for such an event. After urinating on a stick and seeing the happy blue line, she gave thanks to the universe, burning incense in celebration. She was giddy. It was the icing on the cake for her and she now felt an amazing love for him and their unborn baby. Plus, surely he would be expected to provide for her forever (or at least the next eighteen years). She whispered the baby news to him after a marathon sex session and he cried with happiness and her heart swelled.

Abraham moved into the #lovenest for two weeks in November, whilst the old troll was off on a New York business trip and it was the best time of Strawberry's life. Jade and Derek didn't even notice that he wasn't around. Her heart literally ached when Ham went back to Audrey's house at the end of the two weeks. And although she cried and begged him to stay, he still wasn't ready to tell Audrey that he was leaving.

Ham was torn with guilt for hurting his love, Strawberry, and for cheating on his old love, Audrey.

Wanting to stir things up, Strawberry convinced Ham to fuck her in the bed he shared with Audrey, to show a little bit of oomph. He had snuck her in to Audrey's home, one late November morning, whilst Audrey was at work, and Strawberry had turned her nose up at all the plush furniture and trappings of wealth, conveniently forgetting how she was busy feathering her own nest in the flat around the corner with Ham's money, buying pretty cushions, making vanilla scented candles, and crocheting cosy throws.

She strolled through every room in the house, tutting at all the extravagance, but secretly a little bit envious. She had never had any money of her own.

Jade had been at school and Derek was asleep in his bed – Derek slept through their entire visit. Strawberry made Ham go down on her on Audrey's side of the bed, making her groan in pleasure as his tongue worked her magic, before he fucked her so hard from behind, on her hand and knees, that the bed posts were rattling against the wall. If the truth be told, Ham was imagining it was Audrey at the time, but naive Strawberry wasn't aware of that.

Whilst Ham had a hasty shower in the en-suite, Strawberry pulled out a few blonde hairs out of her head and dropped it by Audrey's bedside table, wanting to leave her DNA and 'essence' in her rival's lair.

She laughed at the business book Audrey was reading 'Hard Choices for Strong People' and childishly moved the bookmark twenty pages on. She unplugged the phone charger by the bed, just as an annoyance, and stole a pair of Audrey's slinky knickers, still with the tags on, from a drawer with the thought of cutting them up and stuffing into a throw cushion later. She bitchily dripped some of Ham's sperm on Audrey's pillow, from her pregnant vagina, before lazily mopping up the rest and casually tossing the used tissue on the floor. Just an extra 'fuck you' to the old troll.

Strawberry didn't reveal any of these activities to Ham, in case he looked at her differently. She still needed him to see her as perfect and support her and her unborn beautiful baby. When he emerged from the shower, he was anxious to get his pregnant lover out of his girlfriend's house as soon as possible. He was running around in a panic in case Audrey left work early, regretting his ballsy move of letting Strawberry in the house, now that his sexual energy had been used up.

Strawberry didn't consider Audrey's feelings. She hadn't from the first herbal tea date. She didn't even think of her as important – just an irritant in her plans to secure Conquest no.4. And as she always thought; if you don't take care of your man, someone else will. She also had no interest in getting married, and thought the whole institution was archaic (although had no problem sponging off her man which many strong women would find archaic). She had never collected unemployment benefits, as she didn't consider herself as 'unemployed' but a free spirit, and thought the whole benefits system was beneath her.

After repeated promises that Ham would leave Audrey so they could properly start their lives together, there came a flood of constant excuses.

'She's got a big presentation coming up at work, I don't want to add to her stress.'

'Jade is having a really hard time, been accused of bullying at school, it's a bad time for me to leave.'

'She sprung the Caribbean holiday on me last minute as a surprise, it would be rude not to go.'

'I can't leave right before Christmas, babes, I'll do it in the New Year, I promise.'

And then Strawberry lost the plot. Sitting alone in her beautiful flat over the Christmas break (not really a break for her, but never mind), totally alone, barely hearing from Ham over the break, plus he had jetted off to the Caribbean with the old troll leaving her all alone, and stroking her pregnant belly, she was suddenly filled with a maternal protective rage for her beautiful unborn baby boy. She had found out the gender of their baby on Christmas Eve and couldn't wait to share the news with his Father. She had also decided to make the switch to being a Vegan for her growing son.

She had figured out the perfect name for their baby and his bloody father was not around to share in the moment. She was going to call him 'Siead' (pronounced Seed, silent 'I'). She was glowing with the sheer genius of the name; it was earthy, it was unique, and it was perfect. He was starting as a seed and he would grow into a seed. It would connect her baby to the earth, and her Siead would flourish into a lovely boy and man.

Siead Reginald Hamster Chase-Michaels.

Take that Mum and Dad with your sad little 'Jane' name!

*Honestly, Reader, what a pretentious name! How would the poor kid get through life with that rubbish name? What's wrong with John or Harry?!

It was Boxing Day, and Strawberry could not handle it any longer. Stroking innocent Siead through her belly, she marched over to the old troll's house, knocked on the door and dragged Ham home with her.

She didn't care that she had ruined Audrey's life and taken her partner away, or given a second thought to Jade or Derek.