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It's another night of tossing and turning, falling asleep too late, and when Hailey wakes up the next morning and looks at the time she curses to herself. Her alarm was set to go off thirty minutes before, but she had slept through it and has to be at the district in another thirty. Even with a three and a half year old and having a demanding job that leaves her on call almost daily and Vanessa being in college, Hailey has never been late to work.
She pulls herself out of bed, cursing to herself again when she realizes she doesn't have time to shower, and quickly ties her hair up into a ponytail and dresses for the day all. She clips her badge, holsters her gun and pockets her phone like she does every day and trudges downstairs.
The lack of sleep and mental exhaustion over the last couple days has her yawning as she enters the kitchen, but the sight she sees makes her smile and immediately puts her at ease.
"Hi mama!"
She's greeted with a toothy grin from her daughter and Vanessa smiles over at her as well from her place in front of the coffee machine. Hailey makes her way over to the little girl, who can just barely see over the countertop from a stool at the island, and kisses the top of her head before leaning down next to her.
Avery Charlotte Upton was the light of Hailey's life and most days, the only light. She had been completely unexpected at a time when Hailey couldn't say which way was up and which was down. She didn't like to think about where she might have ended up if it hadn't been for the arrival of the blonde haired, blue eyed mini version of herself.
"Morning baby. How'd you sleep?" Hailey asks as she reaches a hand out and runs her fingers through her daughter's curls.
"Good. Aunt Nessie made me Eggo's for breakfast!"
"She did? Lucky you. They good?"
Avery nods and holds out her fork towards Hailey. "Want a bite?"
Hailey smiles and shakes her head. "No thank you, you finish 'em. They look yummy though."
Her daughter goes back to eating her breakfast and Hailey stands up straight as Vanessa steps towards her and hands her a steaming mug of what she assumes is coffee.
"Morning sunshine," Vanessa says to her with a smile still splayed on her face.
"Thank you," Hailey says gratefully. "And good morning."
"You didn't eat last night," Vanessa says, eyeing the blonde.
Hailey shakes her head. "Wasn't too hungry after our conversation."
Vanessa nods, a curious look on her face. "And you overslept this morning."
Hailey nods in confirmation even though it wasn't a question and takes a sip from her mug.
"You never oversleep," Vanessa comments.
"Haven't been sleeping well," she says.
"Insomnia again?"
Hailey shrugs. "Not so much again. Don't think it ever really left to be honest."
"You should call Dr. Block."
Hailey nearly winces at the mention of her therapist. A woman who she hasn't spoken to since Avery was just about a year old. A woman who she thought she wouldn't have to see again after convincing herself she was fine. That she was better. That she had moved on.
"Maybe, I don't know," Hailey tells her friend.
"Hailey – "
"Not now Vanessa."
Her tone immediately quiets the brunette who lets out a sigh in concerning disagreement, but nods her head regardless.
"It's almost eight," Vanessa says as she deposits her own mug in the sink. "I gotta get Ave to daycare."
Hailey nods and glances at the time on the microwave as she drops her own cup in the sink. "I gotta go too. I'll walk out with you guys."
Hailey makes her way back over to her daughter who sticks her last forkful of waffle into her mouth.
"We gotta go baby," Hailey tells her. "Can you get your shoes on by yourself?"
The little girl nods back and Hailey helps her down from the stool while Vanessa grabs the dishes to put them in the dishwasher.
It's eight on the dot when the three of them walk out the door, Hailey holding Avery's hand in her own and Vanessa walking ahead of them to the driver's side door of her sedan.
"Have a good day Ave. If I'm home early enough maybe we'll do pizza for dinner okay?" Hailey says to the little girl as she opens the back passenger door.
"I love pizza," Avery says as she climbs into her car seat.
Hailey smiles as she gets settled and then buckles her in. "I know you do. And I love you."
"Love you mama. Are you gonna get the bad guys?"
"I'm gonna try," Hailey tells her with another smile before kissing the top of her head.
"I'll text you later if the day goes late, V. Drive safe," Hailey says to her friend through the backseat.
The brunette turns and smiles back with a nod. "Always do. See ya later."
Hailey closes the door and smiles as Avery waves a hand at her through the window. She waves back and watches as Vanessa pulls out of the driveway and disappears down the street. She reaches for her phone and groans. She's definitely gonna be late, but mornings with her favorite person will never not be worth it.
When she arrives at the district fifteen minutes later than usual, Hailey's not surprised to find her partner at his desk, but she sighs in relief when she sees the door to their Sergeant's office is closed and the light is turned off. Jay catches her eye as she enters the bullpen and heads for her own desk across from his, pulling off her jacket on the way.
"Good morning," Jay says to her with a smile before nodding down.
She follows his line of sight and her eyes land on a to-go cup of coffee sitting next to her keyboard. She picks up the cup and smiles back at him as she sits down in her chair.
"Thanks for this," she says, tipping the cup toward him slightly before taking a sip.
"Rough start?" He asks.
Hailey shrugs, taking another sip before she sets the cup down and powers up her computer. "Sort of."
She sees his eyebrows shoot upward and holds back the eye roll she wants to unleash. She should have known he wouldn't accept her answer.
"I got here before you," he comments then when she doesn't say anything more.
"So?"
"So," he draws out, leaning back in his chair. "You're always the first one here. You're never late."
Hailey leans back in her own chair and lifts an arm to gesture around the nearly empty bullpen. "In case you didn't notice, we're the only ones here. Sarge isn't even here yet. I think that counts for being early, or at least on time."
He ignores the slight bite in her voice and holds up his hands in surrender as the sound of footsteps echoes from the stairwell.
"Speak of the devil," Jay mutters as he nods to their Sergeant coming up the stairs.
Voight nods at the pair of them as he passes their desks, muttering a quiet morning greeting before disappearing into his office. The rest of the team trails in one after the other a few minutes later and they all fall into mindless small talk as they begin their shift.
It's looking to be a slow day and nothing pops off that requires the help of Chicago's elite Intelligence unit so the team spends most of the morning digging through files and updating CI records and finishing up leftover paperwork.
Hailey has long since finished the coffee her partner had gifted her upon her arrival and has gone through another after Kim and Adam go on a Dunkin' run a little after ten. She's been yawning on and off, unable to curb the exhaustion seeping through her body, and ignores the concerned looks Jay throws her way all morning.
By half past eleven she's trekking to the break room for another cup and wondering just how long a person can go on such little sleep. She gets the coffee machine ready, presses the brew button, and waits as the old thing whirs to life.
She stands in front of the sink, leaning forward with her arms outstretched and hands resting against the edge of the countertop. She rests her weight on her arms and drops her head slightly, trying to fight off the sudden urge to close her eyes. She remembers her earlier conversation with Vanessa and debates on whether or not she should call Dr. Block after all.
The lack of sleep and the onslaught of memories over the last few days has left her in a whirlwind, and she's not too sure how to pull herself out of it. There's a moment where she can't help thinking if it's her body's own warped way of protecting her or preparing her. And before she can stop it, she's getting sucked back up into the chaos and the pain, and remembering another moment that sent her spiraling.
It's been four days since she sent him away and he hasn't returned. She's not sure if she should be annoyed or impressed by his ability to be so stubborn, but she settles on annoyance simply for the fact that she misses him and they haven't gone this long without some sort of communication. She's just about to reach for her phone on the tray table next to her hospital bed when there's a knock on the door. She smiles automatically - they've always been on some weird synced up wavelength, but when the door opens and it's not his face she sees, her smile falters.
"Rafferty," she greets, still with a smile, even though it's clearly not her undercover supervisor she was expecting to see.
She thinks he knows this by the look on his face. It's a look she can't quite place as he enters her room and shuffles towards her with his hands stuffed in his coat pockets.
"Hi Hailey. How are you doing? Feeling better?" He asks her.
"For the most part. I can use both my eyes now. Which is good because I can clearly see you don't look like you came all the way here to ask me how I'm feeling when a phone call would have done just fine," she tells him with a smirk now.
He attempts to offer a smile at her candor, but it doesn't quite stretch over his face and she notices.
"What's up?" Hailey asks.
He takes another step towards her so he's right next to her bed and she watches as he opens his mouth to speak, but closes it. And then he does it again twice more as he struggles to find his words.
"Jeff?"
"Hailey, honey."
It's his dad voice that he uses and she is immediately on edge. She's known the man since she graduated from the academy and not once has he ever used that term of endearment, or any others that she can recall.
"What's wrong?" She asks as her heart begins to race.
One beat, two, three, and then...
"Garrett's missing."
Two words is all it takes and it feels as though her chest is about to cave in on itself. Her hands begin to tremble and she can already feel tears burning at the corners of her eyes.
"M-missing? What...what do you mean missing? He...he was just here four days ago, what?"
The older man shakes his head, a sullen look on his face. "I've been trying to reach him. A few of us have and we pinged his phone. We found his phone, but we didn't find him."
"Maybe he lost it or it was stolen or - "
She tries to think of any possible explanation, but Rafferty shakes his head again.
"Your Sergeant and I went to his apartment, Hailey. It was trashed. There was blood, a significant amount of blood. Hailey - "
She shakes her head and the dam breaks as the tears she's been holding back trail down her cheeks and sorrowing sobs wrack through her. "No. No, he's not - he can't - he...he was just here. He was just here. You have to find him. You have to find him, Jeff. Please."
Her entire body shakes as she continues to sob uncontrollably and the man leans forward to wrap his arms around her shoulders, ignoring the way she flinches at his touch. She feels a hand on the back of her head, shushing her and comforting her as if she were a child.
"I'm sorry," she hears him whisper. "I'm so sorry, Hailey."
"Hailey?"
"Hailey?"
Her mind drifts back to the break room and she feels a hand on her shoulder. She jumps out of near habit and instinct, one of her arms flailing out and knocking into a bottle of dish soap that sends it toppling into the sink. She looks up and sees Jay staring at her, eyes wide and full of concern.
"Hailey?" He asks again carefully.
"Yeah?" She croaks out.
"Are you okay?"
His hand is still on her shoulder and she flinches again slightly when he gives it a light squeeze. She shrugs off his hand, ignoring the look of hurt that flashes over his face, and reaches for the soap with shaking hands to stand it upright next to the sink.
"I'm fine," Hailey tells him. She glances at the coffee machine, sees the full pot, and begins busying herself with pouring a cup for herself.
She catches her partner shaking his head out of the corner of her eye and then he steps towards her. They're standing side by side now in front of the counter, almost too close for Hailey's liking, and she wonders for a moment if he can hear just how hard and fast her heart is beating.
"No, you're not. What's going on with you?" He asks again.
"Nothing."
"Nothing? Really?" He scoffs as he leans closer to her and lowers his voice. "You spaced out again like you did yesterday in the truck. And that's what, your third cup today? Fourth?"
"So now you're the coffee police?" She bites back as she looks over at him.
"Hailey, come on. It's me. Talk to me."
"I've just got a lot on my mind, okay? I haven't been sleeping well," she tells him. It's the vaguest answer she can think to say even though it's honest and she hopes he'll accept it and move on, but it's Jay and he doesn't.
"Whatever it is, maybe I can help. If you let me," he offers.
She sighs and shakes her head. "I don't need help. Just leave it, okay? Let it go."
He stares her down, but she's just as stubborn as he is, and she stares back with a look in her eyes that has him swallowing hard and nodding his head in defeat.
"You want a cup?" Hailey asks pointing to the pot.
"No, I'm good," he tells her before turning and heading for the door.
She ignores the heavy sigh of defeat and disappointment she hears from him as he leaves the room and lets out one of her own. If she can't even tell him about her nightmares and memories, how the hell would she be able to tell him about Avery?
The day goes on and the few times Hailey glances up from her computer she catches Jay looking away from her as if he's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Normally she'd find it to be annoying, his hovering and keeping a close eye on her, but the more she mulls it over throughout the day the more she thinks that it's almost nice having someone worrying about her who isn't Vanessa.
He keeps his space though, only talking about work related things, except for when he asks her if she wants her usual from Greek Islands for lunch. It's the first time she smiles since earlier that morning with her daughter and she gives him a nod, and then he's gone. When he returns with their food, she scarfs it down quickly, only realizing then that she hasn't eaten since the day before when she munched on a granola bar in his truck.
It's moments like these where she's grateful to have him as her partner. Because their morning started off rocky and she hadn't been the nicest to him, but here he is, kind and taking care of her as if she hadn't nearly bitten his head off earlier in the break room. She wonders for a moment if she deserves his kindness and is hit with a twinge of guilt in the pit of her stomach. She tries to tell herself to enjoy it while it lasts because he's probably gonna hate her when he finds out the things she's been hiding. Her personal life is no one's business, she knows this, but she's a cop in Chicago on one of the most elite teams in the city. Most people don't hide the existence of a child from their co-workers, but then again Hailey isn't most people and her past is a scary one.
Things continue at a snail's pace after lunch and through the afternoon, and Hailey sends a text message to Vanessa to tell her she should be home at a reasonable hour. By six that night, Voight tells them all to clear out and go home and no one needs to be told twice. They all pack up and Hailey hears Adam and Kevin mention Molly's bar. She knows what's coming next.
"Upton! Molly's tonight. You in?"
Hailey turns to face Adam as she slips on her jacket and shakes her head. "Nah, not tonight."
"You sure Hailey? Adam just said he got first round and that's like a once in a century offer right there," Kevin chimes in.
She smiles because she knows it's true, but she shakes her head again. "I'm sure. Have fun and I'll see you guys tomorrow."
Hailey turns back to her desk, making sure her computer is off, and notices the empty one across from her. She doesn't know when Jay snuck out, but a small part of her is glad he's already gone so that she doesn't have to look at his worrying eyes any longer or feel the guilt rise up in her again. She's not sure how much more of it she can take.
She says a final goodbye to the guys and Kim for the night, and then heads for the back stairwell. She makes her way outside and as she's crossing the parking lot she hears him calling her name. She stops in the middle of the lot and turns to see Jay walking towards her with a shy smile on his face and his hands in his pockets.
"Thought you left already," Hailey says in greeting.
"Nah, in the locker room," he tells her.
She nods once in realization and then tilts her head up at him. "What's up?"
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry for this morning. I didn't mean to cross a line with you today and I think I might have. You're a grown woman and you can take care of yourself. I was just worried about you. I still kinda am."
She shakes her head at him. "I should be the one apologizing to you Jay. You were just being a good partner. I shouldn't have snapped at you like I did and I'm sorry."
He lifts a hand, waving her off. "Water under the bridge. Besides, we may be partners, but I also like to think we're friends too."
"We are friends and I wanna tell you what's going on, but I'm just – "
He shakes his head then. "No, I get it. I've been there. The hard things are never easy to talk about."
"Yeah," she whispers.
There's a few beats of silence that pass between them as they look at one another. He has that look in his eyes again, the kind, but concerned one. And maybe he always has it with her, only uses it with her, but she's never really noticed it until today. It makes her heartbeat pick up just a tiny fraction quicker and makes her almost nervous.
She's ready to say goodnight and go home to see her girl, but then he takes a step closer to her, and she realizes he has more to say.
"Ya know, it wasn't too long ago that I was going through it and really struggling with things, but it was you that pulled me out of the rabbit hole I fell into." His voice is gruff and laced with more emotion than she thinks she has ever heard from him before. He keeps his eyes on her even when she breaks their contact and looks down at her feet.
"Just know that I'm here for you Hailey. Whenever you wanna talk. If you need anything. Okay?"
His words make her look back up at him and he's quick to notice the slight glistening in her eyes. He knows there is something she's not telling him and it makes his chest ache in a way he hasn't felt in a long time.
"Are you uh, you going to Molly's?" He asks her then and she's grateful once again for him knowing her well enough to change the topic of conversation.
She shakes her head. "Not tonight. You?"
"Haven't decided yet."
She nods and there's another beat of silence before she lifts an arm and points a thumb over her shoulder. "I'm gonna head out. You should go to Molly's. Apparently Adam is buying the first round."
His eyes widen in surprise. "He must not be feeling well then because that never happens."
She lets out a short laugh and nods her head again. She's not sure when the air changed between them, but it feels awkward now for some reason she cannot place and she just wants to go home.
And then as if he can read her mind he smiles at her and nods his head to the truck parked a few spots down in the lot. "I'll see ya tomorrow. Have a good night Hailey."
"You too," she tells him and then he's walking away and she lets out a quiet sigh of relief, but the twinge of guilt stabs at her again and she's left thinking about it as she drives out of the parking lot.
When Hailey gets home and walks through the front door, she's hit with the force of her three foot tall mini-me wrapping her arms around one of her legs.
"Mama! You're home!"
"I'm home!" Hailey says matching her daughter's excitement and bending down to lift Avery into her arms. She settles the little girl on her right hip and makes her way into the kitchen where Vanessa sits at the island with a book in her hands.
"She was so excited when she saw your car pull in the driveway," the brunette says with a smile.
Hailey smiles back at her friend and then turns her head to look at Avery in her arms. "Is that right? You happy to see me?"
Avery shakes her head up and down quickly, and then drops it against Hailey's shoulder. She leans her head against her daughter's and squeezes her little body against her side.
"Did you have a good day Ave?"
"Yeah. We did music today and I got to use the tang – um, Auntie what was it again?"
"The tambourine," Vanessa assists.
"Yeah, that thing! It was loud mama, but it was a lotta fun," Avery tells Hailey who just beams down at the girl in her arms and then brushes her daughter's nose with her own.
"I'm glad you had such a fun day baby. You ready for pizza?" Hailey asks.
"Yeah!" Avery says excitedly.
"Already ordered it. Should be here in about a half hour," Vanessa tells her.
Hailey nods and looks back at Avery. "How 'bout we give you a quick bath and get you into some pj's? By the time we're done the pizza should be here."
Avery gives her mother a nod of her head and Hailey carries her girl up the stairs while Vanessa goes back to her book, letting the mother and daughter have their time together.
They come back down almost a half hour later, Avery in her mother's arms again. The doorbell rings not a moment after they re-enter the kitchen and Vanessa smiles, still seated at the island with a book in front of her.
"Perfect timing. I amaze myself sometimes," she says.
Hailey shakes her head in amusement and sets Avery down on the floor.
"Guess that's the pizza little lady. Go help Auntie with the plates. We can eat out in the living room tonight and watch a movie. How's that sound?"
"Yay!" Avery squeals and runs over to Vanessa, grabbing one of her hands and trying to pull the woman to her feet.
"Did you pay over the phone or do I need cash?" Hailey asks as she heads for the door.
"Over the phone, just need a tip!" Vanessa tells her as the blonde disappears around the corner.
"I got it!" Hailey calls back as she grabs her wallet from her jacket in the entryway. She swings the door open and takes a step back on instinct, her eyes widening in surprise.
"Jay," she breathes out.
Her partner is standing on her doorstep, a shy smile on his face, and a six pack in hand.
"Hey," he says.
"You're not the pizza guy," Hailey says as if it's not obvious.
She quickly remembers where they are and what he doesn't know, and inserts her body between the wall of the door-jam and the opening of the door as casually as she can. She glances over her shoulder for a split second and then looks back at her partner.
"Not the pizza guy, but I did bring beer," Jay tells her nodding down to his hand.
"I see that, um, what – "
"What am I doing here, right?" He says and she nods. "I probably should have called, but I knew you'd just tell me you were fine and you'd blow me off. I figured you needed a friend right now. And I'd much rather drink with you than Adam, so here I am."
He watches as she swallows nervously and when she glances over her shoulder again he notices.
"Jay, um, I – "
A look of realization crosses his face and he lets out a chuckle. "Oh man. You totally have company right now and I am definitely ruining it. I'm so sorry."
Hailey shakes her head quickly. "No, that's not, um, I don't - ugh. Damn it. Um – "
"Someone order a pizza?"
The pair of partners look over to see a man in a uniform standing in her driveway with an insulated bag in his hands.
"Uh, yeah, me," Hailey says with a wave of her hand.
The man makes his way towards her, pulling out a boxed pie from the bag, and then hands it to her. She gives him a quick smile as she takes it, and hands him a twenty dollar bill.
"Keep it," Hailey tells him.
The delivery guy smiles back, thanks her quickly, and then he's gone, and Hailey's left alone with her partner again. Her heart pounds in her ears, hands nearly shaking, and she swallows nervously again as she tries to think of what to say to Jay as she looks at him from the doorway.
But then she feels little hands tugging on the hem of her shirt and the door is being pulled open. Avery wiggles in against her side and stands next to her in the open doorway.
"Is the pizza here?" She asks excitedly, having no idea of what her little self has just walked into.
Jay's eyes land on the little girl immediately, widening in confusion and surprise at seeing a child he most certainly wasn't expecting. The shock doesn't last long as Hailey can tell the wheels are turning in his head and he begins to connect the dots. He glances back and forth between Avery and Hailey, and the look on his face tells her he's figured it out. There's only one other person he's seen with those same bouncing blonde curls and bright blue eyes.
His eyes land back on Hailey and they stay there as she leans down and hands the pizza to her daughter.
"Can you please bring this to Auntie? It's pretty warm on the bottom still, so hold the sides okay?"
Avery nods and takes the pizza box from her mother before doing as she's asked and disappears into the kitchen.
When Hailey stands upright and looks back at her partner, his confusion filled eyes are still on her and asking a million silent questions. She watches as he lets out a breath he hadn't even realized he had been holding.
"I'm guessing you're not moon-lighting as a babysitter," Jay says knowingly.
Hailey shakes her head at him slowly, ignoring the burning of tears in the corners of her eyes, and then takes a quick deep breath as she looks him in the eyes.
"She's my daughter."