The Austere Stonewall, Book 1: Hermione

Chapter 2: The Big Let Down

Back at the Burrow that night, Hermione let herself in the back door and she siddled into the kitchen. Mrs. Weasley had left her plate on the table under a stasis spell. Hermione canceled it and sat down to tuck in. Eating had been an issue for her as of late. She tried to eat but nightmares would either make her throw up or nauseate her out of an appetite. After years of time turning schedules and stress and obsessive reading habits, her eating had already been an issue.

Ron was the worst of the three of them to be around in the tent when hungry so Hermione had always served him the biggest portion. Harry had occasionally snuck a few bits of his portions onto Ron's plate when the redhead wasn't looking. They knew Ron wouldn't take well to receiving special treatment that implied they could do something better than he could. Hermione and Harry both knew that he'd never been hungry as Harry had been while growing up. Ron had never missed a meal as punishment or been fed scraps from his cousin's plate or even had to eat cold soup from a can through a cat flap in his door after not eating all day. Neither Harry or Hermione held it against him that he'd not been mistreated. Hermione simply knew how to function on less food than usual from skipping meals to research or not being able to be seen in the Great Hall at the same time as her other self. She could bear the burden quietly.

Mrs. Weasley had certainly noticed all the weight the three of them had lost, Ron was less noticeable due to eating well at Shell Cottage during the time away from them and receiving larger portions therefore Mrs. Weasley hadn't realized anything was wrong with Hermione or Harry until they arrived weeks after the battle to stay. She cried when she hugged them and felt how bony they were and berated herself for not forcing them to leave Hogwarts sooner so she could take care of them. She'd cooked a big meal and complained that there had been no one at Hogwarts to make sure they ate and be sure that they had received enough. Harry's face had burned under her scrutiny and Hermione had felt very awkward as she tried to avoid looking her in the face. She did her best to eat but she wasn't succeeding as well as the boys. Harry was happy to eat until he couldn't eat anymore and then eat more less than an hour later as treats and snacks were offered to him which left Hermione the main focus of Mrs. Weasley's attention.

She managed most of the plate and was picking at the rest when the door to the kitchen swung open.

Ron smiled at her, "You're back! Why didn't you say something?" He sat down beside her on the wooden bench and snatched a bite off her plate.

Scooting the plate in between them, Hermione offered, "I haven't been back that long. I was trying to eat before your mum gets onto me again for missing a meal."

Ron nodded his head as he knew better than anyone what a lecture from the Weasley matriarch felt like. He took the fork from her hand and chased the last few bites around her plate and ate them, likely thinking that eating the rest of her plate was solving her problems for her so Hermione gave him a conspiratorial smile. His intention was sweet even if he was too dense to notice her impending possible eating disorder or the fact that the food was meant to help her put back on the weight she needed to be healthy. It was as though she needed to make the food disappear and he did it for her. Like a vanishing charm would not have sufficed if all she was struggling with was to clean the plate.

"It's quiet," Hermione observed. "Where is everyone?"

"Mum and Dad took some food to Bill and Fleur. Since she's eating for two, Mum keeps bringing them care packages. I think Bill ends up eating it rather than Fleur," he chuckled. "Harry and Ginny flooed to his place for an hour or so to look at it and "party plan" or so Gin said." Here Ron shuddered. He hastily continued talking, not wanting to think about his sister and best mate alone. "Not sure where George is tonight. Do you want to take a walk outside with me?"

Hermione blinked. Ron ran the last two sentences together in a rush to get them out that it took a moment to untangle them in her head. This was a conversation that needed to happen so Hermione agreed with a shrug of her shoulders. They stood and Hermione grabbed her plate and took it to the sink. Ron watched her from the back door. She turned on the tap and grabbed the brush and scrubbed the plate clean and then spelled it dry and placed it in the cupboard. There were some crumbs on the table from where Ron had been sitting next to her so Hermione spelled the table clean and banished her napkin to the laundry room. Ron had an impatient look on his face as he stood next to the door waiting to open it for her. She withheld her sigh. If he was so eager, he could have cleaned the table while she washed her plate rather than leaving it for his mum to do when she returned home.

The air was fragrant with the smell of the orchids that dominated the Burrow's yards. It was one of Hermione's favorite parts of summers with the Weasley's. She breathed deeply as she followed Ron to spot in the yard next to a tree. The sun was still setting and the view was nice. She closed her eyes and silently said a prayer to whomever in thanks for allowing her to be alive now to see it.

A hand slipped into hers as they stood there and Hermione's eyes opened as she looked down at their hands intertwined. Ron's other hand came up to rub the back of his neck, a nervous tell that he shared with his father. Hermione just waited, letting him work up his courage to shoot his shot.

Nearly a moment later, Ron turned to her and grabbed her other hand. His palms were sweaty from his nerves, she noted. "Look, I know it's taken me a while to finally do this and I'm sorry it has. You shouldn't have had to wait so long for me to ask you to go with me. You're really great and I know that others will see it too if I don't put my head on straight and snatch you up. Will you? Uh, be my girlfriend?"

It wasn't the most romantic declaration she'd heard but for Ron, it was truly a decent effort so Hermione swallowed as she considered the best way to explain this to him. A no followed by an explanation would out him on the defensive and then the offensive. An explanation with no answer would not be comprehended as Ron would only be listening to hear an answer and would let the rest of what she said float in one ear and out the other.

Squeezing his hand, Hermione took a deep breath. "I know that took a lot of courage to say and I appreciate and acknowledge the guts that took. I can tell you put a lot of thought into what to say."

He smiled at her, encouraged and Hermione hated herself for what she knew was coming next. She felt the meal she'd just eaten chunning in her stomach uncomfortably. "You're right, that was probably a long time expected. I had a crush on you from first year through sixth year, you know?"

Ron grinned at hearing her confess that, finally.

She looked away at the sunset but allowed Ron to keep her hands. She inhaled deeply, "There were times that I had hoped you'd wake up and realize it and ask me out and it would all work out and be wonderful."

She paused and looked back at him. "So much has happened in the last two years. Now that everything is calm, it's just surreal to be standing here outside with you and having this conversation. I watched you a lot in sixth year, did you know that?"

Ron's smile faltered a little in confusion as to where she was taking this conversation. She hadn't given him an answer yet, after all. He nodded and narrowed his eyes slightly, the way he did when he was studying the chess board before an important move.

"I noticed a few things about you that I'd never noticed before. Can I ask you a few questions?"

"Hermione, you can ask me anything, you know that. I'm not hiding anything."

She bit her bottom lip and worded her question carefully. "What was it about Lavender that you liked the most? Not about her looks, she's gorgeous, I agree, but her personality."

Now the redhead was very confused. His brow furrowed as he considered her question and the motive behind asking it. He sensed she might be making a ploy.

"It's not a trick question. I promise. I'm sure I know the answer but I think you need to answer this question for yourself. What was it about her that caught your attention? What did you like about being with her?"

Staring at her warily, Ron replied, "The attention. She noticed me. She followed me around. She wanted me. Not Harry, not one of my brothers." He shrugged. "That attention got old quick, though, " he laughed, trying to bring some levity back into the conversation.

"Ron," Hermione began, "I'm not sure you'll enjoy being with me because my attention will never be so solely focused on you as Lavender's was. Lavender is a submissive partner. She allowed you to make all the decisions for you both and she allowed you to lead. I'm not sure a relationship between us would work out that way."

Ron allowed her hands to slide out of his grasp. "What are you saying?"

Hermione looked at the grass between their feet and said quietly, "I think I would make you miserable, Ron. You're a great guy but I suspect that you need someone more suited for you than me. A girl who can give you the attention you deserve."

Ron shook his head. "No. Whatever gave you that idea? We called it off a long time ago, Mione. I want you. You're the one I want."

Hermione huffed and crossed her arms across her chest. "For how long, Ron? When I want to stay in and read rather than watching a quidditch match with you? When I ask to attend a lecture on the newest charms theory held in Switzerland and you wanted to go to the pub for a pint after a long week of working in the Aurory? How long will it take for you to wish I were someone else who had more in common with you? I think that as great as you are, you deserve someone who will have more in common with you, someone who will have a personality more suited to yours."

"I'm great but not great enough for, you mean?" Ron took a step backward from her. "What about you? You dated an international quidditch star before. This is really about me not being enough for you. You don't know me and what I want as much as you think you do! Just admit you want someone else, someone better!"

Shaking her head and trying to keep calm, Hermione disagreed, "That's not it at all, Ron. I could be happy enough with you. I just don't think you'll be happy with me for very long."

Ron turned away from her and kicked at a clump of grass before spinning back at her, his finger in her face. "You're dating someone else! Aren't you?!"

"Of course I'm not! How would I have found the time to gain a boyfriend? I'm telling you the truth of what I think and how I feel."

He scoffed, "So I work up the nerve to ask you out and your answer is that you're not enough for me? Is this a way of digging for compliments? Am I supposed to tell you all the awesome things about you to convince you that I mean what I say?"

"No! That's not what I said. I just don't think you really know what you want from a partner and that if we started dating, you'd be unhappy with me when you realize it. Your friendship means so much to me. The thought that there could be a time when you go back to hating me and not waiting to even be my friend makes me want to cry."

Shaking his head in disbelief, Ron turned to look at the sun that was mostly below the horizon now. "What makes you think that you know me better than I do?"

Smiling a broken and shaky smile, she admitted, "That's one of those qualities of mine that you will probably always dislike."

Not laughing, Ron was silent for a while. "So that's it? You don't want to try? You won't even give me a chance? Just 'no' and no room to change your mind?"

A tear slid down her face as she nodded her head. She had to stay strong. IF she allowed Ron a chance, he'd marry her. As soon as the law came out, he'd do the honorable thing and propose. A refusal then would be a hundred times worse than her rejection now. If she wanted him to have a chance at being happy, she'd have to stand firm. For both their sakes.

"I'm sorry, Ron. I want to remind friends."

He blinked owlishly at her, having heard her give an actual answer finally.

"Fine," he bit out. "I'm going to Harry's and stay with him for the night. Tell Mum and Dad when they get back, yeah?"

He stormed off across the yard without waiting for her to agree that she would. The 'pop' of his disapperation made the ache in her gut twist like a knife, resonating around her head just like it had when he left them on the run. All she could her was the whooshing of her blood in her ears and the sounds of Ron's apparition echoing around her head. Her knees collapsed under her and she sank down into the tall grass of the Burrow and stared at the spot Ron had been. Her stomach heaved as she considered what she had just done to her friendship. Harry had always taken Ron's side in their fights. Would she lose Harry, too? The Weasleys?

The tears came faster and she turned her head to vomit up her dinner by the tree Ron had been standing next to just moments before. Her body started shaking as the air cooled in the absence of the sun but Hermione couldn't find it in her to move. She stared dumbly at the empty darkness, struggling to gulp in some breaths of air. Her chest was tight and she couldn't get air to go down.

Her only thought was that she had somehow just lost all her friends and family. She was now more alone than she'd ever been before. Dry heaves wracked her body as she tried to breathe. There wasn't enough air. She gasped and tried to get more oxygen, beginning to panic. She fell forward on her forearms, unable to keep her body sitting up. A ringing was loud in her ears now and she struggled for breath and to stop dry heaving from her spot partially laying in the dirt. She didn't hear the sound of apparition as an arm wrapped its way around her middle and tried to pull her to her feet. She began resisting, not knowing who or what had her.

"Hey, it's me. It's Harry. You're okay. I've got you."

The familiar sound of his voice was a balm to her conscience. She threw her arms around his neck and clung to him. She didn't know why he was there but at that moment she didn't care. She knew she was in a bad way but she couldn't help but feel so relieved at having Harry there that she buried her nose in his shoulder. She could feel his hand smoothing her back and she breathed when he did, even if she was wracked with trembling and heaving between them.

When she calmed down some, Hermione noticed that Harry was now rubbing small circles on the back of her neck. It felt nice, she couldn't remember anyone doing that for her before. She pulled back and looked up at him. They were both kneeling in the grass where she had been but the sick she had expelled had been spelled away at some point. She felt grateful for Harry's polite manners rather than having to clean it herself as he watched.

Clearing her rough throat, she asked gruffly, "Why are you here?"

With a wry smile, Harry explained, "Ron showed up at Grimmauld upset. He was shouting and not making much sense. All I could figure out was that he had asked you out and that the answer had been a no. He was looking to pick a fight and I knew that whatever had happened, you might appreciate a friend. Ginny suggested that she stay with Ron and try to talk to him."

"I'm so sorry, Harry. I didn't want to ruin your time with Ginny."

He shook his head. "You matter to me. I was worried Ron had said something hurtful to you. He was kind of spewing some hateful comments when he showed up."

There was a moment of silence as Hermione shifted off her knees to sit on her bottom. "Actually he reigned it in rather well while he was here. Ron handled it better than I thought he would."

He stood and held out his hand. She allowed him to pull her up and lead her into the house. He brought her to the couch and disappeared for a moment, returning with a wet washcloth and a glass of water. He offered it to Hermione who accepted it and wiped her entire face and eyes. Being the daughter of dentists, she transfigured the cloth into an empty cup, took a drink of water from the glass Harry had brought her. She swished it around her mouth to remove most of the stomach acid and spat into the empty cup. She vanished the spit water, and transfigured the cup back into a washcloth that she banished to the laundry. She drank the rest of water, mostly to stall the conversation that was coming.

With a sigh, Hermione told Harry, "I turned him down because I know he needs someone that will give him more attention. It's not easy to tell someone that you can't pay enough attention to them without it sounding horrible. I just won't be able to dote on him the way he needs. I'm so...broken… right now that I can barely take care of myself. I don't want to have a boyfriend who gets pissy if I don't ask him about his day and fret over him the way he needs."

Harry scratched his head as if he'd never considered it before. He probably hadn't. Boys weren't generally a very introspective bunch and her boys were no exception.

"You're right, of course. He doesn't see it now but in the long run, I can see how he might want someone who makes him number one."

Nodding, Hermione ran her finger along a scratch in the coffee table. "It might eventually make sense to him but right now it hurts him. I hope he will find someone to date that makes him happy, happier than I would've."

"What about you, though?"

"Hmm? What about me?"

Exasperated, Harry said, "Don't you deserve to be happy?"

With a shrug, Hermione said, "I'm just trying to put myself back together right now. I need time to be myself and get my life back together before I worry about looking for someone."

It was true, but Hermione bitterly realized she would not get that. She would not have time to get herself together before the law would force her to find a husband.

"Well, I'm here for you, Hermione. You're my friend. My best friend. You've never turned your back on me and you've always had my best interests at heart. I don't know very many willing to help me kill a dark lord."

They both laughed.

"Thanks, Harry. You should go make sure Ron is okay. I'm going to clean up and go to bed soon. I think I'm moving out tomorrow. My house is good enough to live in now. Would you casually mention it to Ron so he won't worry about staying away because of me being in his house?"

"Sure. Can I see the cottage tomorrow?" Harry asked.

"Come over in the morning and go with me. I'll add you to the wards.."

They said goodnight and Hermione shuffled into the kitchen to drink a glass of milk to coat her stomach. She had just poured it when Mr. and Mrs. Weasley came in from the back door.

"Hermione! How was your day, dear? I hope you've eaten what I left. You've been gone so much lately. It makes it hard for me to be sure you're getting enough."

She smiled politely, "Of course, it was delicious Mrs. Weasley. I appreciate you both for letting me stay here the past few weeks."

"Nonsense," Arthur Weasley said as he sat next to her at the table. "You're always welcome here."

Hermione set the half-empty milk glass on the table. "Actually , I wanted to let you know that I finished my house. I was able to get the last few chores done today so that I can move in. I'm going to move tomorrow morning."

Mrs. Weasley turned around from the sink, her jaw dropped down and her hands frozen around the teapot. "Tomorrow? That's so soon!"

Nodding her head as she looked at the tabletop, Hermione swallowed. "I just feel like I may not have this chance again to experience being on my own. I need to learn to take care of myself. I need to learn to be okay on my own before I add anyone else to my life."

Carefully, Arthur asked, "Why do you feel this is your only chance to do this? You're 18, you've a whole life ahead of you."

Sometimes Hermione forgot just how sharp Arthur was underneath his submission to his wife and his contented nature. She looked up to see Arthur and Molly looking at her oddly.

She shrugged nonchalantly, "Hogwarts will resume in a little over a month and I'm sure I'll stay there for holidays to study. When I graduate, I don't really know what I'll be doing but I'll be busy. I appreciate you both opening your home to me. You've both been so wonderful. I think it's for my own good that I learn to take care of myself now."

Mr. Weasley nodded reluctantly but Mrs. Weasley looked like she wanted to argue. Mr. Weasley's hand to her forearm stopped her from voicing her concerns as Hermione had taken a breath to continue.

"I also feel it might be better for Ronald if I were to not be here for much longer. He, erm, he asked me out and I declined. He's not going to want to see me for a bit. He didn't accept my decision very well."

In anger, Mrs. Weasley fumed, "He didn't tell you to leave did he? If he did, I''l have his-"

"Of course not," she rushed to interrupt. "He's got better manners than that. He did go to stay with Harry tonight, though. He asked me to relay that message to you before he left."

There was a lull of silence as they each considered what had been said. No one seemed to know what to say for a moment.

"You're an adult witch, Hermione, and you are capable of making your own decisions. Molly and I would love to have you a guest for as long as you would like to be but if you feel you're ready to move out, we understand and we will support you however possible. We don't want you to ever feel unwanted or unwelcome in our home. You don't have to date Ron to be tied to us."

A tear managed to slip under Hermione's closed eyelids as she tried to reign her emotions in. She was so exhausted that she wasn't able to summon enough strength to raise her occlumency shields. Mr. Weasley had hit the nail on the head with his comment. She was only a friend to their youngest son, if Ron didn't want her friendship now, would she lose the Weasleys?

A hand on her shoulder started her as she realized Molly had come around the table to stand behind her.

"Ron's a great guy, I just think he'd be happier with someone more suited to him. I think I'd make him miserable after a while. He doesn't see it yet. I hope he'll soon understand and forgive me for hurting his feelings," Hermione said quietly to the tabletop as Molly softly rubbed her shoulder.

Molly sniffed, "And you? You said Ron would be miserable with you. Would you be miserable with him?"

She shrugged, "I think I could be content but I don't think it would be much different than how being his friend these past 7 years has been. We're opposites but I have learned how to get along with him well-enough..."

Clearing his throat lightly, Mr. Weasely replied, " Ron just needs time to accept your decision regardless of your reasoning." Arthur continued, "That's not to say you're in the wrong, dear. I think everyone in this room knows that Ron needs someone that he can take care of and Hermione Granger is no damsel in distress."

Hermione nodded reluctantly. "I just didn't want to start a relationship with him knowing that it was most likely doomed and to let it ruin our friendship by allowing it to progress anyway."

There was a beat of silence again before Mrs. Weasley moved to continue with the teapot for them all. "Where is Ginny during all of this?"

"She's with Harry trying to calm down Ron. I suspect she'll be back soon as it's dark," Hermione replied, leaving out the fact that Harry and Ginny had already been at Grimmauld before Ron and she had argued.

Tea was consumed, and Hermione bid them both a quick goodnight before making her way to Ginny's room to get ready for sleep. She felt drained and she really wanted to have a decent sleep before moving tomorrow.

Upon entering Ginny's room, she noted the open window and the curtains fluttering in the breeze. Ginny tended to sleep with the window open no matter the time of year. Hermione had once closed it in the middle of the night and Ginny had woken almost instantaneously.

Walking over to the window to close it most of the way, Hermione noted a scroll on the otherwise clean desk. It had no name on it and was not sealed. Thinking Ginny may have left her a message, Hermione opened it.

"Not much longer now," was the message written carefully in block letters. Hermione flushed, thinking how her best friend must have left it here for Ginny earlier today. A message that was probably moot now with Ron there ruining their evening. She replaced the scroll where she'd found it and grabbed her toiletry bag from inside her famous beaded bag and went to shower.

Once back in Ginny's room, her hair freshly washed with her new potion infused shampoo, Hermione combed through her hair and slipped on a pair of clothes for the night. She definitely needed to get some new pajamas before Hogwarts started up. She was currently wearing an old quidditch jersey of Harry's and an old pair of one of the boy's boxer briefs over her knickers.

She'd carefully packed supplies for their time on the run including the boys' clothing but she'd ended up transfiguring a lot of her own clothing for various needs. One pair of pajamas had become a sling for Ron after he got splinched. A few of her shirts had been used for bandages. She wasn't really even sure how she'd dwindled her wardrobe down so much but she was using her clothing from a couple years ago for work wear. A slight transfiguration had helped the length issue but the material was so thin after that. Care was needed to ensure holes weren't ripped in the thin fabric. Even Mrs. Weasley had been unable to mend some of the wear and tear. The sundress she'd worn today was a dress her mother had purchased for her in 1995. She'd worn it in France. Now it was simply one of the last fully intact pieces.

Sort of like my life, she thought sadly to herself before falling asleep.