Notes: I originally started writing this while intending to write a Three Little Pigs parody in poem format. I don't know where I went wrong...
Once upon a time in the bright crimson forest of Forever Fall
There lived three students, two short ones and one somewhat tall
Jaune, Ruby and Weiss were the students' names
They were really lazy, always procrastinating and playing video games
They didn't pay their taxes, or even watch the news,
And they wasted their parents' lien on flashy clothes and brand-name shoes
Jaune was the tallest one, he was silly and he lived in a house made of straw
His jokes would often ruin Weiss's mood and make Ruby guffaw
Ruby was inventive and knew how to get things done
She lived in a house made out of brick and wood, which was also a gun
Weiss was rich, that was her character trait. She also complained a lot,
She lived in a luxurious two-storey mansion which her family butler had bought
The three youths lived happily. Singing and dancing, and chasing forest animals with mecha-shifting gear.
Their times of bliss, however, came to an end when Cardin Winchester drew near.
Cardin appeared one day in the forest, he had ginger hair, big fists and ample free time
He knew how to hurt feels and torment nerds in a way most sublime
Drawn in by the tantalizing scent of failure, one day, Cardin knocked on Jaune's door
And Jaune opened it immediately without a question, and was instantly done for
"Already?!" Jaune groaned pitifully, "The story has just begun."
"Yes," Said, Cardin sorrowfully, "But I'm a busy man."
The beating lasted for a few moments, then suddenly the blows ceased
"Hey Jauney-boy, sorry, I've got to go," Cardin dropped his card at his fringe
The card read, 'Bullies Inc, a different problem for every solution'.
Jaune nodded, clearly impressed by the bully's steadfast resolution
"See you next week," He rasped weakly, shaking Cardin's big hand
He then curled up on the floor, not even trying to stand
Scratching his chin thoughtfully, Cardin went to the brick and wood house that was near
He wanted to introduce himself to Jaune's friends, and to perhaps borrow a beer
"I am not opening the door!" Shouted Ruby after he knocked, "I heard Jaune's girly scream of fear."
"Come on, I mean, you no harm," Cardin responded charmingly, "I'm just here for a punch and a beer."
And Ruby huffed and shook her head. "Yeah right, you think I was born this year?"
"I don't know," Said Cardin cleverly, "You sound so young and childish, and your voice, it is smooth like silk."
"Hey!" Ruby whined angrily, "I'm not a kid, I'm growing up! I drink a lot of milk!"
Infuriated she unlocked the door, deactivated her killer drones and threw the reinforced door wide open
Cardin prepared to beat her up, he then smelled the air and stood there frozen
Unlike his best pal, Jaune, this kid didn't smell like a sore loser
"Forget it," Cardin mumbled quietly, turning around to leave, "I may be mean, but I'm not a child abuser."
Appalled by the ginger's words Ruby ran after the bully
"Hey, where are you going?" She shouted, "I'm old enough for this, truly!"
Roused by all of the shouting, Weiss climbed down from her bed of pure ice
This was just unacceptable. She had been woken up, not once but twice
Stepping down from the balcony, Weiss descended a staircase made of bowing servants in chains
Faunus maids dressed her as she walked, a butler handed her a glass of champagne
"First Jaune, then you, Ruby Rose, what is the meaning of all this noise?"
Weiss inquired calmly, jumping down from the backs of two Faunus boys
"Weiss, this bully won't bully me! He says I am too young. Please, tell him otherwise!"
Abruptly the heiress frowned, If she could she would ignore Ruby's cries,
After all, Weiss was cold, she longed to sever their fragile ties,
Yet a Schnee didn't stand alone. A proper queen needed allies,
And so begrudgingly… Weiss decided… to compromise
"You, peasant, speak," She ordered Cardin, "Why won't you beat dear Ruby black and blue?"
"You can't discriminate against others! It is the right thing to do."
"So come on, throw her around, dunk her head into the loo."
"Klein will hold her while you slap her, a real bully would come through."
Cardin growled, Cardin bellowed, Cardin's huffed and puffed and snarled
Cardin reached into his pocket, and tossed Weiss his business card
"They call me Cardin the Destroyer, I punch people till they hurl,"
"So you don't think that I'm a pansy, but I won't beat a little girl?"
"We professionals have standards, work ethics, all that shtick,"
"Rules to establish who we slander, who we mock, and who we kick."
"Now you are asking me to forsake the legacy of those that came before,"
"Nelson Muntz, Draco Malfoy, the forefathers of pettiness and food wars"
"Thus I refuse your offer, you spoiled daughter, spawn of an immoral Dust tycoon,"
"I won't abide a skewed plotter, find other dancers for your tune."
And so Cardin walked away, into the sunset he disappeared
Our School Daddy, our golden standard. The man, the legend, both loved and feared.