a/n: so i tried to avoid doing this because i know that everyone in the EO fandom is currently writing similar content but after watching the reunion of benson and stabler last thursday, i simply couldn't help myself. this is my take on the letter that elliot composed for olivia and some of her internal reflections. i hope you enjoy and please remember that i don't own the law and order franchise. but law and order forever and eternally owns me.
"Perhaps it's just easier to smile and pretend everything is fine, rather than admit my heart's a little swollen from losing something that wasn't even mine." -Courtney Peppernell, Pillow Thoughts
No Excuses
She had lost count of the times she had imagined it-grasping a letter from him in her palm. She'd technically received one, weeks after his departure, but explanations had been vacant in that meager note. There had only been three syllables, along with a medallion, a sacred commitment she had long since felt he cleaved.
Semper Fi.
Always faithful. Always loyal.
How was she supposed to trust such a promise?
He'd left without a word and days turned into months, months morphed into years which became a decade. Olivia never received a commentary, not even when her face had been publicized on every news station. Not even in the aftermath of a brutal, Russian game when Olivia would rouse, drowning in her sweat and terror.
She'd claim she didn't need anyone. Or that she didn't want anyone. But that was an invention. When her wrists were bound to that iron bed frame, Olivia would have sacrificed her pride. She would have tossed it in the face of the bastard William Lewis if it meant that he could come bursting through the doors.
Elliot.
He'd emerged from the mist on a habitual ten-thirteen, one that Olivia had virtually evaded. The fact that Kathy Stabler was fastened to a gurney had barely registered when he called her name.
Liv!
Ten years of emptiness, of desolation, vanished. The pothole that had dwelled in her damaged chest was abruptly filled with a fresh batch of cement.
But not so hastily. Even though there was, perhaps, an explanation, Olivia was cognizant that there was no excuse. She couldn't allow her hopes to elevate, for Olivia was a fragment of her former self. She didn't know the man that stood before her now and pretending otherwise was trivial on both ends.
He'd colored in a few shapes, in the passing days. Elliot was living with his wife in Rome, acting as a contact for the NYPD. He'd been there for eight trips around the blistering sun, well before Olivia was captured by the devil. She could discern through body language that her ex-partner was oblivious, but that didn't wipe the slate clean for Olivia. Not when she still battled with infrequent nightmares.
He could have written, if he didn't want to hear her voice. He could have mailed her a postcard from Puglia. He could have done something to fortify the statement that he'd scrawled on dismal, yellow parchment.
Semper Fi.
All these eons, a segment of Olivia had wondered if he'd died. She couldn't permit herself to sojourn in the theory because the concept of Elliot's death was suffocating. But she hadn't heard from any of the Stablers. Not from the children who remained in the United States. It was like those thirteen years had simply been a fever dream.
The best damn fever dream of Olivia's existence.
But now he was back. He was here to stay, or at least that's what he vowed at Kathy's small memorial. He had apologized and given her a letter and a portion of Olivia wanted to abolish it. Elliot had said that he wouldn't blame her if she did.
Because there were no excuses. There was no vocabulary in the English language that could mend the wounds that Elliot had carved in her. Those blemishes were permanent, and they resided by the scars that Lewis had tattooed in her weakened flesh.
Right when Olivia was considering her methods, though-should she burn the stationary or slide it through her office shredder-she realized that she was deluding no one. Olivia had wanted this, pined for this, forever. If she destroyed the note, it might not harm the stranger that Detective Stabler had become. But the action would further bruise Captain Benson.
Noah dozed off early on Sunday, his youthful limbs exhausted from sledding at the park. Once he was asleep, and the apartment quiet, Olivia settled herself onto the chesterfield. She resisted the temptation to pour herself a glass of wine because Olivia desired to be lucid for this journey. Her stomach was dismayed, bubbling like a geyser and, suddenly, Olivia wasn't certain if she craved this.
Regardless of what Elliot had authored on this paper, it was evident that normalcy was over. Olivia's life was about to be amended. That notion in and of itself was hardly unfamiliar. But she hadn't ever endured this kind of odyssey. She'd never received an epistle from him, not even in those thirteen years, that distorted fever dream.
She severed the adhesive that sealed the ivory envelope.
Dear Liv, I've been sitting at the desk in my hotel room, staring at this paper for what seems like several hours and I'm not gonna lie, I feel pretty pathetic. I feel like after thirteen years, talking with you shouldn't be this difficult. But then again, the thirteen years we spent in the squadroom together aren't probably the ones in the forefront of your brain. I broke a promise to you, Liv, the promise that I made in the first year of our relationship. I promised to be your partner, for better or worse. I bailed when it came to the actual worse.
I understand if what I've done is unforgivable. I'm not writing this in an attempt to gain anything from you. I know you deserve better and I know there's no excuses for ten years of silence. Recent events, though, have taught me an important lesson, one that I feel like, given our line of work, we should have learned long ago. That lesson is that life is short and maybe you have learned it. Knowing your IQ and how much higher it is than mine, you probably have. But I obviously didn't…if I had, I wouldn't have been such a cowardly bastard.
I would have told you that I love you, Olivia…that I always have and I always will. I understand if those words are scary and if you're not ready to articulate them back yet. Or if you're never ready to say them to me at all. I know I fucked things up and there's no taking that back, but I want you to know that I care about you and that I always have your six. I want you to know that those words-I love you-can mean a lot of things. Whatever it is you want them to mean. You're in charge, Captain Benson.
Yes, Fin filled me in on a few of your accomplishments. He told me about your promotions, your son, and your awards ceremony. Our original arrangement was to surprise you there but looking back, that definitely wasn't an ideal plan. You hate surprises, but you also never treat yourself with the admiration you deserve. I thought that you warranted a night of celebration. In retrospect, though, that was just another selfish assumption on my part because the truth is, I don't know the Olivia Benson from the past ten years. I don't know anything about her, except that she's Captain of SVU and a kickass mother…and no I'm not surprised at either of those revelations. Didn't I always tell you that the adoption agency was wrong? You are, without a doubt, prime parent material. I hope you've also learned to be kinder towards yourself, to give yourself the love you dispense so freely upon others.
Okay, look…basically, what I'm trying to say is that I don't know if my presence would bring you happiness or not. Maybe we can reach that state someday, where we're happy again or maybe we can't, but if you'll consent to it, I would really like to try. I would like to try to rebuild our relationship, even if it takes a lifetime for you to trust me again. I'm ready to do whatever it takes, Liv. I'm ready to prove my devotion to you. Semper Fi.
Semper Fi, El.
a/n: thank you to Alexis Dawn and fragilevixenfic for betaing this for me! i promise i will be back with a fearless update soon. thanks for reading and don't forget to review! xoxo