It's just shortly after midnight when Blaine feels his double bed shift in the small room he shares with his daughter.
"Joey?" Blaine mumbles tiredly and turns around just in time to wrap an arm around Johanna's sleepy body before she slips out from where she tries to sneak under Blaine's blanket with her stuffed pig under her arms.
His daughter immediately curls up against Blaine's shoulder when he pulls her in, and Blaine feels an immediate rush of peace and conflict. "Honey, let daddy take you back to your own bed. Grandma doesn't like it when I let you sleep here." And it's true. Her sleep habits are probably the biggest reason for their constant fights and discussions and the tears of frustration on Blaine's side. She thinks that kids should sleep in their own bed from baby on to become independent. Logically, Blaine knows there's some truth to that statement, but she's so young and is still so clingy and in need of cuddles and body contact.
Personally, Blaine is totally fond of having her in his bed. She's a quiet sleeper, barely even moves around, and on nights when Blaine allows her to sleep in his bed, she peacefully sleeps through the night without waking up once. When she sleeps in her own bed, she wakes up 4 times plus and kicks and cries and seems to have nightmares. She also moves around so much in her sleep then, that she almost always manages to fall out of her bed, and yes, it's a floor bed, specifically designed for toddlers and she more so slides to the ground than she actually falls, yet she still screams every time and won't calm down for a long while. That usually leads Blaine's mother to burst into their room and bitch at him for 'letting her cry' or 'upsetting her'. And does he never think of their neighbours?! What will they think of him?!
Because sure. It's Blaine's goal to wake his neighbours up each night by making his kid cry. Just thinking about that is absurd.
Blaine himself sleeps better when Johanna sleeps in his bed, hearing her breathe and snore lightly always calms him down immensely, no matter how terrible his day was. She just has that effect on him, and sometimes Blaine thinks that she feels the same way about him, and that is why she usually sleeps calmly when she crawls under his blanket.
Blaine can't count the many nights he accidentally fell asleep either in front or inside Johanna's bed when he tried to tug her back in. Sometimes she demands cuddles or a lullaby, and when Blaine thinks she's finally asleep again and can barely keep his own eyes open, she wakes up the second Blaine stands up. Sometimes he's strong enough to keep this up, sing to her, give her cuddles and brush over her eyebrows until she's so fast asleep that she doesn't wake up the second Blaine leaves, but more times than not, he just doesn't have it in him to do that and wakes up in the morning with a stiff back from sleeping in a funny position in her small bed or on the cold, hard floor with his hand curled around hers through the bed rail.
This night, when she mumbles "Daddy" against his shoulder and curls her tiny, chubby arm around his neck, Blaine just doesn't have the endurance to say no. Especially not when she smells like her Hipp baby shampoo from her bath the evening before, and when her breath is damp against his pyjama covered shoulder and her pacifier tickles his bicep each time she suckles.
Suddenly he's weirdly emotional, he's so tired he aches from being a father and working his butt off and the constant stress with his family, that he feels like crying. But he's spent so many countless tears on those topics and is just so goddamn sick of it. So, instead, he pulls his daughter closer against his body and sighs in relief.
He loves her so dearly, she's the light of his life, and yes, he didn't plan on having a kid so early and especially not under the circumstances she was born into, but he'd still do anything for her in a heartbeat. But on the other side, and it pains himself to death to admit it, he misses his pre-kid life. He was out with his friends every day, not even to drink or anything like that, but just to hang out. He had a lot of hobbies, was known and loved by his entire town, and lived and breathed his life in independence.
Sometimes he wished that Johanna didn't have Blaine as her father, simply because her sweet soul deserved so much better. He ruined her entire first year on this planet by not knowing what to do, how to be around a baby. He was frustrated each and every day, he was loud and didn't understand her most of the time. He never hurt her, never shook her when she wouldn't stop crying, but more times than not, Blaine would beg and plead her to just stop crying. On the worst of his days, he was so impossibly overwhelmed with his role as a father, that he felt like he couldn't move his body and take care of her and just sat motionless on his bed while his sweet girl cried, and then his parents would give him a disgusted look and do the job for him. He's incredibly ashamed of himself for his behaviour and wished so badly he could turn back time and make everything better, but he can't. And yes, Blaine fucked up majorly, but he could at least admit that to himself now. He couldn't do that for a very long time, but after he started seeing a therapist, he finally allowed himself to accept and stand up for his mistakes, not that that meant even the smallest amount to his family.
His family never forgave him for the mistakes he made, they became cold towards him, snapped at everything he said, even looked annoyed when he so much as walked into the room, and Blaine feels like throwing up his heart every day. At first, he guessed that he deserved their treatment, but when he started to improve on his parental skills and to get his frustration and anger under control most days, he thought they could maybe start to forgive him, give him a second chance. He apologized so many times, begged even, for them to find it in their hearts to forgive him, but it hadn't happened, not really. Not to this day. It was one and a half very lonely, sad years, and there was no chance of improvement on the horizon.
Before Johanna came into their lives, Blaine was the heart of the family. Everyone always said that. He and Cooper were like inseparable twins, his parents would grant him every wish. Blaine was a cuddler himself, and his mom especially loved that about him and never minded the hugs her (then) 21 old son would demand after a long day. They never really fought, save for the occasional small argument here and there through his teen years. And yes, maybe it was because of his disease that he was the focus of the family, but it was what he was used to since he could think.
Blaine needed attention, people around him, laughter, and love. He often referred to himself as a little Tinkerbell, because her go-to motto was that she needed attention, or else she'd die, and that's how Blaine himself felt on a regular basis.
And now, most days, Johanna was the only person to notice and cherish his presence, and maybe that's why he doesn't mind her sleeping next to him, even if it's selfish. He misses his family, their love and appreciation for him. Johanna, at least, shows him her love…and Blaine is weak and tired and painfully sad, and he's only human, after all, so letting her sleep in his bed shouldn't be so terrible, right?
A stupid, stray tear rolls down his cheek anyway and he stubbornly wipes it away before it hits the pillow. He's become so emotional and sensible since Joe was born, it's almost embarrassing.
He exhales a huff of air, does the egotistic thing he shouldn't do, buries his nose in Johanna's tousled curls, and wills himself back to sleep.
When he's woken up by his alarm clock at 5 AM, he groans against his pillows and then tiredly laughs when Johanna says, "usi" next to him in a cheerful voice and pokes Blaine in the cheek with her finger.
"Music, yes! That was my phone, telling me to wake up," Blaine smiles and rubs his eyes, then pulls her warm body on top of his, and she squeaks happily. "Mornin' Babygirl. Sleep good?"
She sits upon his chest and rubs her palms over his stubble. "Ticki!" She says happily, which, in her gibberish, means that it tickles. She's a little behind on her speaking development, which is just another reason why his family gives him a shit ton of crap because of course, that's his fault because, in their eyes, he doesn't encourage her language skills enough. But Blaine's too tired and too happy in this moment to think about that, and instead of starting his day brooding about everything he does wrong, he pulls Johanna in for a big, gruffly morning hug, which she immediately reciprocates and then giggly jumps off him to pull him towards the bathroom.
That's their routine and Blaine feels relaxed when they brush their teeth together and Johanna, very bravely, doesn't even nag at him when Blaine brushes her bird's nest of hair and pulls it into a tiny ponytail. Speaking from personal experience, brushing tousled curls hurts a lot, and Blaine always tries to be aware of that when he fixes her hair.
She jumps excitedly when Blaine lets her flush the toilet and Blaine chuckles amused. Kids are so weird in certain regards.
When they're dressed, with some resistance on her side (she absolutely hates getting dressed!), Blaine picks her up and carries her to the kitchen to prepare a bowl of oatmeal for her, complete with linseed and raisins. Cooper always puts a big amount of chocolate chips into her bowl, which she loves, of course, but Blaine hates it because it's simply not necessary. After all, she eats it without the added sugar just fine. But that's Cooper's thing; he's the cool uncle and gives her candy at any given situation, even after she brushed her teeth before bedtime and Blaine can't stand it. He doesn't even forbid her candy, he eats sweets whenever he feels like it (which is often), and he normally allows her a tiny something herself, but with reason and rules, and not all over the place like Cooper does.
Cooper's response to that is usually that Blaine doesn't have a say in that, which hurts and makes him angry and at his mercy. Who has more say in that than her own father! But of course, when he tells his parents that, they take Cooper's side and Blaine's parental opinion doesn't matter.
But whatever, Cooper's asleep, and he and Joe had a good start in the day and he won't let that be ruined by Blaine's internal anger and frustration.
After they had breakfast while watching out of the kitchen window, - Johanna is fascinated by the streetlamp outside their house, Blaine cleans her face and sets her down. When she's preoccupied with the fruit-shaped magnets on their refrigerator, Blaine prepares himself a sandwich for work and swallows his daily morning pills. There are only a few pills left of his Azathioprine and he makes a note on the chalkboard on their pantry door to get a new prescription from his gastroenterologist.
When Blaine's old bookbag from school is packed and he himself is ready to leave for work, he picks his daughter up from the ground and gives her a big squeeze before taking her to his parent's room across the kitchen.
His dad left for work an hour earlier, but his mum is already up like she is every morning, and Johanna is happy to see her, and Blaine is as well. He misses his mum so much.
"Hi, kid! Ready to play something fun?" Pamala asks her granddaughter and kisses her head softly.
Johanna giggles excitedly and Blaine's heart swells at the sight of them both. "Okay, so I'll leave then since she's in good hands," Blaine says and leans down to kiss Johanna's cheek. "Bye munchkin. Be a good girl, okay?"
She doesn't really pay attention to him, but that's fine. She's way more interested in his mother's phone on the nightstand and Blaine suppresses a sigh. He doesn't like it when she lets Joe use her phone. But he also doesn't want to fight right now, so he rolls his eyes and lets it slide.
"Bye mum," Blaine says quietly and a little on edge. He never knows how to act around his family anymore. To his surprise, Pam gives her son a small smile and says, "The new haircut suits you."
It's not much, but it's a lot more than he's gotten from her in a long time and Blaine soaks it up like a sponge. He swallows and allows himself an even smaller smile. "Thank you, mum."
She nods her head slightly and puts her focus back on Johanna, but that's okay. Her attention towards him might have been very short, but Blaine takes what he can get. He's desperate.
He grabs his stuff and practically floats to work; he feels so great. The walk there only takes about 5 minutes, and he signs in his name and body temperature he'd taken that morning, changes into his ugly uniform, and allows himself a small smile when he looks into the mirror in the bathroom of the locker room. His boss had said that he looked like a nurse capable of this job and Blaine really wants to believe his words.
Then his eyes grow huge at the thought of tall guy! He'd totally forgotten about him until now, and Blaine feels a flush creep on his cheeks at the feelings he had about him yesterday.
But then Blaine decides not to let himself fall for tall guys stupid arms and stupid eyes today and nods determinately to himself. He'll focus on nothing but his tasks today, learn as much as he possibly can, and become a great nurse for St. Paloma and WLP.
With that in mind, Blaine clips his magnet key on, grabs his lunch and makes his way to the elevator that'll take him to his ward, 15 minutes before the shift starts at 6:30.